Pokey the Penguin

Pokey the Penguin is a surrealistic online comic strip, which began in 1998 and continues to be updated (albeit sporadically) to this day. The individual strips have little or no apparent logic on first glance, are filled with corrections (crossed-out words, occasionally images scribbled over), and lack of evident punch lines.

Pokey the Penguin

 * THE GLUE IS POURING OUT IN AN AMAZING DISPLAY OF ADHESION - POKEY, "Pokey and the glue"


 * THE UN? HA! I SPIT ON THE UN! --Pokey, “Pokey and the Moon-Cheese”


 * “WITH A FEW SMALL MODIFICATIONS, ANY CANOE CAN TRAVEL THROUGH TIME!!!” --Pokey, “Pokey in Ancient Scotland”


 * “I DO NOT LIKE THE HAT!!!” -- Pokey, “The Devil”


 * “BEFORE WE GO TO THE RESTAURANT I MUST ENCASE YOU IN CARBONITE!!! (Throws frozen date into ocean) NOW WHO IS GOING TO THE RESTAURANT!!!” --Pokey, “Pokey Goes to Hawaii”


 * “IT IS ORDINARY DUST! NO SALE” --Pokey, “Hola”


 * (After killing Archangel Michael) “LET ME DO IT I AM A GOOD ARCHANGEL! I ALREADY HAVE THE WINGS AND THE GUN! JUST GIVE ME THE WHISKEY!!!” --Pokey, “Pokey the Archangel”


 * “MY NAME IS POKEY THE PENGUIN I LOVE CHESS!! IT IS LIKE BALLET ONLY WITH MORE EXPLOSIONS!” --Pokey, “All Positions Occupied”


 * “ZIING! THE EXTRA “I” MEANS EXTRA ZING!” --Pokey, “The Extra 'I'”


 * “THE SECRET IS: RUSSIANS KEEP THEIR MIDGETS IN CAGES!” --Pokey, “Po Russky"


 * “HE HAD TWO EYES BURNING LIKE COAL-EMBERS, SUNK INTO A GNARLED TREE-TRUNK OF A FACE! HE WAS MORE BURNING TREE THAN MAN!” --Pokey, “I Will Never Forget His Face”


 * “NO ONE TAKES FIRST PASSAGE OVER POKEY!” --Pokey “Pokey and the Gold Chains”


 * “NOTHING EJECTS A TEAR FROM MY FACE SO FORCEFULLY AS A SUNRISE!” --Pokey “Pokey and the Sunrise”


 * "I TOLD EVERYONE WE SHOULD HAVE A WITCH-HUNT, BUT THEY WANTED TO HAVE A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED BOOK BURNING INSTEAD!" --Pokey, “Pokey was Correct”


 * "HOORJ!" --Pokey, "Pokey and Tommy the Toaster"


 * "YOU SEEM TENSE! WHY NOT RELAX WITH A NICE CIGARETTE? WELCOME TO FLAVOR COUNTRY!" --Pokey, "Chicken Delicious is a Bad Influence"


 * "NOTHING RIDES YOU LIKE A GOOD PAIR OF HOT PANTS!" --Pokey, "Pokey Has Hot Pants"

Small Child

 * “IN THIS MANNER YOU HAVE RETRIEVED YOUR BRAINPAN POKEY!” --Small Child, “Pokey is Roots”


 * “I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE KEPT THE PILLOW WAREHOUSE RIGHT NEXT TO THE PORN FACTORY!!!” --Small Child, “Hello Sexy World”


 * “I FED HIM A STRICT DIET OF GASOLINE AND IRON FILLINGS! HE'S AS STRONG AS AN OX AND FIVE TIMES SMARTER” --Small Child, “Pokey and the Hover-Chair”


 * “BUT POKEY YOU FOUND THAT BIBLE IN A CRACKERJACK BOX!!! IT HAS A PIRATE ON THE FRONT!!!!” --Small Child, “St. Bluebeard (Biblical Proportions)”


 * “POKEY WHAT FINERY!!!” --Small Child, “Friend, Can You Spare Some Money?”

Mr. Nutty

 * “GHOST MONEY HAS A VERY HIGH EXCHANGE RATE!!” --Mr. Nutty, “Pokey is Solid”


 * “DID ANYONE REMEMBER TO REMOVE HIS WALLET?”(At Pokey's funeral) –Mr. Nutty, “Pokey Dies”


 * “JOHN LOCKE! FANCY YOUR ESCAPING FROM SATAN'S GNASHING TEETH AND ENDING UP HERE!” --Mr. Nutty, “The Root of Safety”


 * “I KEEP ALL MY RECORDS IN THIS LOAF OF BREAD, FOR REASONS I NO LONGER REMEMBER!!” --Mr. Nutty, “Mr. Nutty's Position”


 * “THE FIRST LAW OF PHYSICS STATES THAT ROCKETS WILL ALWAYS FLY STRAIGHT UP INTO THE AIR!!!!!” --Mr. Nutty, “Mr. Nutty and the Rocket”

Skeptopotamus

 * "I AM RAPPING ABOUT WORLD HISTORY!" -Skeptopotamus, "Skeptopotamus and World History"


 * “I AM DESIROUS OF DELICIOUS CHEESE” --Skeptopotamus, “The Sadness at the End of Days”


 * “LIKE THE TWO PRONGS OF MY DINNER FORK YOU STEAL THE HEART AND POSSESSIONS” --Skeptopotamus, “Pokey Objects”


 * “I HAVE DOMINION OVER YOU! YOU ARE MY SLAVES” --Skeptopotamus, “ Skeptopotamus' Secrets of Vitality”

Headcheese

 * “DESOLATION MOUNTAIN IS MADE OF POTATO FLAKES!!!” --Headcheese, “Mambo”


 * "POKEY TODAY I AM ATTENDING SCHOOL CHICAGO-STYLE. IT MEANS, TO DO SOMETHING WITHOUT YOUR PANTS ON POKEY!!!!" --Headcheese, "Chicago-Style"

Gustavo

 * “IF DEMOCRACY FAILS, YOU CAN COUNT ON STALIN!” --Gustavo, “You Can Count on Stalin”

The Devil

 * “I AM MASTERING THE POSSIBILITIES” --The Devil, “The Devil”
 * “WE ARE TO ENGAGE IN FISTICUFFS IN THIS LAND OF ELVES AND HAPPINESS!” --The Devil, “Pokey and the Bump on the Noggin”

Minor Characters

 * “HERE ON RUM ISLAND WE DO NOT BELIEVE IN RUM!” --Penguin, “Welcome to Rum Island”


 * “IF STROKING THE SACRED TEXT IS A SIN THEN MAY I NEVER BE BLESSED POKEY” --Penguin, “The Anatomicon”


 * “THUSLY THE PANTS COME OFF AND THE TEST SCORES RISE!” --The Principle, “Chicago-Style”


 * “OUR STEEPLE IS ROCKET-SHAPED TO TAKE US TO THE MOON! WHERE GOD LIVES!!” --Robot Minister, “Pokey and the Robot Church”


 * "HURRY UP OLD BEAN! FETCH MY KEYS AND DRIVING CAP POST-HASTE!" -Chicken Delicious, "Let Us Meet Chicken Delicious" (This may have been said by either Pokey or Chicken Delicious; the comic is ambiguous)

Dialogue

 * “POKEY THESE ARE PLUMS! I WANTED ORANGES!” --Small Child
 * “THAT IS THE PRICE OF LOVE” --Pokey, “The Price of Love”


 * “IT IS WEDNESDAY POKEY!!!!!!!” --Small Child
 * “WRONG!!!! VIOLATORS MUST BE PROSECUTED!!!” --Pokey, “Happy Candy Day”


 * “I AM ENDING YOUR LIFE BOSS!!” --Pokey
 * “YOU THERE! GET TO WORK! I DO NOT FUND YOUR NUMBSKULLERY!” --Jewish Carpenter, “Pokey and the Jewish Carpenter”


 * “AND THESE ARE THINGS WE WOULD NOT DIE FOR POKEY!! LEAD, CANS OF PAINT, WAX--” --Small Child
 * “WAX!! SON OF A—I HAVE TO CHANGE MY LIST!!” --Pokey, “I Have to Change My List”


 * “POKEY ARE YOU DRUNK ON LOVE?????” --Small Child
 * “YES . ALSO WHISKEY. BUT MOSTLY LOVE...AND WHISKEY.” --Pokey, “Drunk on Love”


 * “SO SEXY RUSSIAN SPY VIXEN, YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME??”” --Mr. Nutty
 * “I STAB YOU IN THE ORGAN!!!” --Pokey
 * “YOU'LL HAVE TO STAB MORE THAN JUST ONE ORGAN TO STOP ME!!!” --Mr. Nutty, “I Will Destroy Him”


 * “POKEY THE NORTHERN LIGHTS!” --Small Child
 * “THAT IS HOW YOU SAY 'HELLO' IN SAN FRANCISCO!” --Pokey, “San Francisco”


 * “POKEY I DID NOT KNOW CANARIES WERE MINED FROM THE SUBTERRAIN!” --Small Child
 * “THE EARTH'S GEOLOGY IS RICH WITH CANARY!” --Pokey, “Pokey in the Abandoned Mine”


 * "THIS MINIATURE FLYING AMUSEMENT IS THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!!! IT ENABLES ALL TO FLY, EVEN THE FLIGHTLESS"
 * “PITY ON THE FLIGHTLESS POKEY” --Small Child
 * “PITY INDEED ON THEM, LITTLE GIRL!! OH NO PREMATURE ACTIVATION!!!!” --Pokey
 * “THE LAUNCHER MAKES A RISIBLE SHOW OF YOU POKEY!!!!!!!!!!” --Small Child, “Pity on the Flightless”


 * "SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE BAD WITH THE GOUDA" --Small Child (Reading Pokey's comic)
 * "EVERY COMIC HAS A CHEESE PUN! AWESOME POWER!" –Pokey, "Hello Sexy World"


 * "I AM POKEY THE PENGUIN! WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?" --Pokey
 * "WHEN WE ARRIVE IN THE LAND OF RICHES, WE WILL NOT NEED FRIENDS!" --Immigrant


 * "BOOKS MAY BE READ, SMALL CHILD!!!!" --Pokey
 * "POKEY WHAT AN IDEA!!!! YOU ARE A SECOND SUN IN MY SKY!!!!" --Small Child
 * "I OFTEN BURN WHITE HOT AND DRIFT LAZILY ACROSS THE STRATOSPHERE EMITTING PIERCING SCREAMS JUST LIKE THE REAL SUN!!!!" --Pokey, “Pokey is Strong and Virile”


 * [DEF LEPPARD IS ROCKING THROUGH A SET!!!]
 * "BREAKIN THE LAW BREAKIN THE LAW!" --Joe Elliott
 * "HOORAY! THE DEMON LEFT MY JAR OF PEANUTS!!!" --Pokey
 * "OH NO! HE POSSESSED MY ONE REMAINING ARM!!!" --Rick Allen
 * "YOUR DEMONIC ARM WANTS ONLY A PEANUT!!!" --Pokey
 * "ALSO, TO ELECTROCUTE THAT NUN!" --Rick Allen
 * "NO" --Nun, "Def Leppard Saves"

Catch Phrases

 * "HOORAY!" --All Characters


 * "YES!" --All Characters, usually after a statement rather than in answer to a question.


 * "HELLO POKEY!" --Any Minor character that doesn't know Pokey


 * "CRUD!" --Pokey


 * "SMASHING JOB OLD BEAN!" --Mr. Nutty


 * "I DON'T BELIEVE IT!" --Skeptopotamus


 * "COOKIE!" (Usually appears as caption in panel when Gustavo arrives)


 * "BIF!" --The Boxing Glove


 * "MAMA MIA!" --Italians