Reno 911!

Reno 911! (2003–2009, 2020) was an American television show, airing on Comedy Central, that provided an irreverent look at what goes on behind-the-scenes in Reno, Nevada's Sheriff's Department.

Season 1 Quotes

 * Terry: Have you ever had skittles? They're like pure sugar!


 * Officer Garcia has been shot
 * Deputy James Garcia: Oh, God, call for help.
 * Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Help! Help!
 * Deputy James Garcia: Use your goddamn radio.


 * repeated line
 * Deputy Raineesha Williams: White people are crazy.


 * repeated line
 * Deputy Raineesha Williams: Y'know what I'm sayin'?


 * Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Lt. Dangle and I have a very special relationship. We're like a brother and sister...except a brother and sister who have sex.


 * Talking to a Klan member
 * Deputy Jones: OK, let me tell you...D.T.A.M.S: Don't take another motherfucking step.


 * Terry: I heard a rumor.
 * Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What's that, Ter?
 * Terry: Mexican werewolves are coming up from Mexico and selling crack.


 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Hey, Terry! Sheriff's Department!
 * Terry: Hey, guys!
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Hey.
 * Terry: What's goin' down?
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Well, I'll tell ya what's goin' down, Terry: you know that they've installed a camera right here at this red light here.
 * Terry: Oh my God!
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Yeah, and it takes a picture whenever someone runs a red light.
 * Terry: Oh wow, that's awesome, it's like the future is here.
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: It is awesome.
 * Deputy Travis Junior: So you know why we're here?
 * Terry: Why, was there a fire?
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: You've been chargin' three bucks, you run up when the car is at a red light, and you give a HJ during the red light.
 * Terry: Oh my God, that sounds, that's not something that I would ever do.
 * Deputy Travis Junior: Except we've got about...
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: We got about 38 photos of you and that's only last night.
 * Terry: Well, I can see how you would think that, but I sell... oranges.
 * Deputy Travis Junior: You sell oranges?
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: You sell oranges?
 * Terry: Mmhm!
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: I'll take some.
 * Deputy Travis Junior: Yeah, I'd like some too.
 * Terry: I've sold out, I've sold out of my oranges...I run out and people are like beep beep, I go OK, and say you're driving and I just put it in their lap.
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Well...
 * Deputy Junior: I don't know about that.
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Come on, Terry.
 * Terry: I can't, I have to call my girlfriend... listen I don't even know what you're talking about.
 * Begins tugging Terry away on his roller skates
 * Deputy Travis Junior: We're talking about you giving hand jobs at three bucks a pop at this red light up here, that's what we're talking about.
 * Terry: OK, OK, a hand job is still a job, OK?
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Come on, easy does it, Xanadu it right into the car.
 * Terry: You Xana-Don't it!
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Did he just say "Xana-Don't it?"


 * talking to a junior-high class
 * Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Now, I don't care if you wear mini-skirts. I don't care if you wear Dungarees. I don't care if you're good at basketball, I don't care if you're fun to be around. But you can rest assured that every one of you, at some point, is going to be raped.


 * Deputy Garcia: Criminals are the vomit of society and we are the sawdust.


 * said of a prostitute
 * Deputy James Garcia: God vomited and there was Jackie.


 * Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Raineesha Williams is a loudmouth, backstabbing Jew. I wanna say Jew but I think she's in fact very openly Catholic, which I have a problem with, too.


 * Jackie the Hooker: Shit, my wig falls off...now everybody knows I don't have cancer...

Season 4 Quotes

 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Sheriffs department
 * Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Hey Terry.
 * Terry: Hiiii.
 * Deputy Trudy Wiegel: How's it going tonight?
 * Terry: Hi.
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: (to two girls sitting at Terry's table) Seriously. Take a walk.
 * Terry: (to girls) Bye you guys, I'll see you at the party.
 * Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Terry.
 * Terry: Whats going on?
 * Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Whats going on is that apparently you've been doing peoples taxes.
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: (reading from advertisement in news paper) Terry Bernadino, certified public accountant?
 * Terry: That's me, at your service. Why? Do you want me to do your taxes?
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: (yelling) When did you get your CPA?
 * Terry: What's that?
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Oh my god will you stop.
 * Terry: Oh, is that that thing where someone can't breath and you give them CPA? Whatever I'll stop, I'll just go back to being a Doctor.
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: How did you even start doing peoples taxes Terry?
 * Terry: Um.. some guy, who, who ah, was not my boyfriend for a while, said he wanted me to look at his taxes. So I was like, maybe I wont maybe I will and then he punched me in the face, so I was like alright...
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: So you're the victim. This is a Terry story...
 * Terry: No...
 * Deputy Trudy Wiegel: (as Terry starts crying) There he goes again.
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Trudy, Trudy, this is amazing. In this part of Terry's life, Terry's the victim. As opposed to, as opposed to every other time. (to Terry) This time, you're the victim.
 * Deputy Trudy Wiegel: If I recall the last time Terry was the victim was when he was giving pap smears in the back of his van.
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Yeah, remember that?
 * Deputy Trudy Wiegel: And somehow he was a victim because the lady clamped down on him.
 * Terry: (still crying) Yeah. She... she Kicked me in the face.
 * Deputy Trudy Wiegel: (Leading Terry in his roller skates, who has now stopped crying to the police car) Come on Terry.
 * Terry: Stop. There's a curb right there I can't go over it.
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: You can't go over it?
 * Terry: No I'll fall and hurt myself.
 * Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Terry,I like you. I used to like you.
 * Terry: Thank you. (leans in to kiss Dangel, who backs off)
 * Terry: What?

Season 5 Quotes

 * (The whole group is in the conference room except Dangle.)
 * Jones: Who's your guys' best friend in the world?
 * Garcia: Santa Claus?
 * Junior: Yeah, that's what I was gonna say, Santa Claus.
 * Jones: Nope. Jones is your best friend, 'cause guess who's got tickets to the game!
 * {Everyone cheers}
 * Jones: We're going to University of Reno!
 * Williams: To Jonesy! (everyone holds up their coffee mugs in a toast)
 * (Dangle enters skipping)
 * Dangle: Hello, gang!
 * Williams: Good morning!
 * Dangle: Good morning indeed, very good morning indeed!
 * Williams: Yes it is, yes it is.
 * Dangle: I've been promoted!
 * All: (unenthusiastically) What?
 * Williams: Really?
 * Dangle: I'm going up to Carson City. (everyone cheers) Going to Carson City: Nevada State Police Director of Public Relations, Jim Dangle!
 * (Everyone claps)
 * Dangle: I'm goin', girl! And I made some reservations for Friday night, at Dan Swanky's, and thought maybe we could have a farewell dinner at Dan Swanky's at eight. I look forward to seeing you there and I'm going to miss you a whole lot of missing you all!
 * (Everyone grimaces: the get-together is the same night as the game.)
 * Johnson: ...I think Saturday is a great day for Dan Swanky's.
 * Jones: Yeah, I agree.
 * Dangle: What part about my reservation at Dan Swanky's didn't I make clear? I mean, I made a reservation at eight on Friday.
 * Jones: Sir, I, uh, I got us all tickets to the Lady Wolfpack, there's a final conference game and, well, this doesn't happen very often... sir.
 * Dangle: It's mandatory. It's mandatory. How's that?
 * Jones: Sir, I, uh, it's just...
 * Dangle: Are we talking about the Lady Wolfpack still?
 * Jones: I just...
 * Junior: Could we for a second?
 * Dangle: Hey, you know what's flying in? (makes helicopter sound) Oh. A period. To your fucking sentence about the Lady Wolfpack, just arrived.


 * [In regards to Inspector Smiley, an English transfer to the department for the day as part of the "Badges Across the Water" program.]
 * Dangle: Smiley reminds me of someone from Mary Poppins... Not Vic, the Chimney Sweep, but another friend of Mary Poppins we never met.
 * Wiegel: That's funny, because Smiley also reminds me of someone from Merry Poppins. Who, for instance, comes riding in on some sort of jaloppy with Whipped ices, and he says, "Come along, children, I have whipped ices!" And when they get close enough to him, he grabs 'em, and rapes the shit out of 'em, and then tosses them in the back seat, and then, off he goes. And then: "Chip chip cheerio!"
 * [Dangle is speechless.]

Other Seasons

 * Travis: Now that I've said that out loud, it sounds really stupid, so it probably isn't true.