Rescue Me (season 2)


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Rescue Me (2004–2011) is an American comedy-drama TV series, airing on FX, about the professional and personal lives of New York City firefighters after the trauma of the September 11.

Voicemail [2.01]

 * Franco: What's with the camera?
 * Laura: Oh, my folks wanted to see where I worked. So I, uh, you know, I thought I'd send them a couple pictures give them an idea of what it looks like.
 * Sean: Oh, yeah? You gonna take any pictures of us?
 * Laura: I don't wanna scare them.


 * Franco: Hey, Laura. Can you do me a favor?
 * Laura: If it involves any part of your body, no.


 * Chief Reilly: Broads.
 * Lou: Crazy broads.
 * Chief Reilly: [sees Laura] Speaking of which. [to Laura] Banker's hours, sweetheart?
 * Laura: Sorry, darling.
 * Chief Reilly: Excuse me?
 * Laura: From now on, you call me names, you're getting them right back.
 * Chief Reilly: Don't push it, dollface.
 * Laura: Okay. Love-lum. [walks into the house]
 * Chief Reilly: Love-lum?
 * Lou: I've used it.


 * [Lou catches Tommy sitting outside the house in his truck]
 * Tommy: I got this new girlfriend, and uh, she's really into antiques. Uh, and I remember that antiques shop up here and I went over to look at---
 * Lou: [interrupting] Who the hell do you think you're talking to asshole? I've helped you concoct some of the most bullshit cover stories---
 * Tommy: [talking over Lou] This is not a concoction, okay?
 * Lou: ---Under the worst possible pressure situations okay?
 * Tommy: I have a new girlfriend, okay?
 * Lou: [mocking] Antiques, and my new girlfriend. Why don't you kiss my goddamn giant Irish pisshole? I've seen you out here in your truck 10, 20, times in the last three months. I figure you must to desperate to know what's going on so I figured I come out here and fill you in.


 * Tommy: [About a woman who's reportedly trapped on the third floor, after the newspaper called the FDNY racist] Is she black?
 * Chief Reilly: I guess so. Given the neighborhood I guess. Why?
 * Tommy: Well, we're racists. Just think how much easier it would be if we only had to save the white people.
 * Sean: [laughs] Or even, you know, models.
 * Tommy: There you go.

Harmony [2.02]

 * Sheila: [in baby talk] The diddle baby wants his big Daddy to bring some more soupy. Do you think that big Daddy can bring some more soupy-woupy?
 * Tommy: That had better be the baby talking because if it's you, big Daddy's gonna come home and punch you right in the neck.


 * Sean: [about his date] She said if I can find her friend a date we can move on to the next stage.
 * Mike: What's the next stage?
 * Sean: The blow job stage.
 * Mike: I like that stage.
 * Sean: Yeah, it's the best stage.


 * [Franco puts the "moves" on Laura]
 * Laura: Can I tell you how this is gonna go?
 * Franco: Yeah, please. I love a woman who takes control.
 * Laura: You're really cute, and really funny, and make great faces, until I sleep with you which I eventually will because you're a tall stud and I'm as unlaid as a pile of bricks.
 * Franco: Sounds good so far.
 * Laura: But then I'll want more out of the relationship eventually, you know, me being the woman and all and I'm so goddamn good in the sack you will actually try and commit for the first time in your life. You'll change for me Franco. But then you'll resent me and I'll resent you for resenting me. Pretty soon we won't even stand being in the same room together let alone forcing our body parts to intersect. But we have to be in the same room because we work together. So unless one of us dies in a fire or moves away or kills the other. We'll be forced to remember the bloody horrific train wreck of a relationship that we had that started with your hand on my coat. But it's your move, stud.
 * Franco: [pause] I'll see you tomorrow.
 * Laura: Smart man.


 * Lou: [to Chief Reilly, who has had his face scratched in his sleep by his wife who has Alzheimer's] Next time you try banging the cat, put little booties over its paws so it can't scratch. That's what I do.


 * Tommy: It's not like you need me around here anyways. The biggest call we got in the last three weeks was that old lady reporting a gas leak. Ended up she was the leakee.
 * Tommy: I'm gonna go upstairs, and leave you three guys alone so you can blow each other.
 * Tommy: I'm gonna go upstairs, and leave you three guys alone so you can blow each other.

Balls [2.03]

 * Laura: You call me "honey" one more time and I'm going to kick your nuts through the top of your head.


 * Franco: [After sex] Alright, so what does this mean?
 * Laura: This meaning... [makes a motion to them with her fingers] This?
 * Franco: Yeah. What does this mean?
 * Laura: [laughs] Oh, come on. You did not just ask me that. I'm just the girl here.
 * Franco: Hey, well I wanna get things clear. We work together, things could get messy.
 * Laura: Okay, let me do the math for you. [points to herself] Drunk and horny. [points to Franco] Perpetually horny.
 * Franco: Yeah.
 * Laura: Equals out [looks at her watch] 34 minutes of extremely hot, but meaningless sex. So do you want to discuss this more? [pulls one foot above her head] Or do you want to go for the full hour?
 * Franco: Talking is way overrated, I'm sorry. [kisses her]


 * John Sr.: Hey, it's not about the money, Tommy.
 * Tommy: Well, then what's it about? Go ahead Dad and enlighten me.
 * John Sr.: It's about the sex.
 * Tommy: Oh, Christ.
 * John Sr.: Now, let me tell you something my cock still functions and this broad thinks I'm funny and I get to bang her for free.


 * Lou: [after rescuing Sully, who's dressed in female fetish clothing] All the angels and saints.
 * Franco: Holy shit.
 * Mike: Is that Sully? [Sean checks, sees that it is, and jumps up and away from him instantly]
 * Chief Reilly: Blessed screaming Jesus on a whole wheat goddamn cracker.
 * Sean: Okay, I think I'm gonna puke.
 * Sully: Wait, guys let me explain.
 * Lou: Go ahead, man. We're all ears.
 * Sully: [laughs] Oh, who am I kiddin', right? I like to dress up like a chick, okay? I like to wear panties and high heels and... rough sex.


 * Tommy: This is the big emergency that you had me come over and help you with?
 * Sheila: Yeah. An emotional emergency.
 * Tommy: Do me a favor: Next time call the hormone hot line.
 * [Paulie beeps the horn from in the truck]
 * Sheila: Hey, retard! I got neighbors.
 * Paulie: Sorry!
 * Tommy: [to Sheila] He really is retarded.
 * Sheila: Really?
 * Tommy: Yeah.
 * Sheila: [to Paulie] Sorry!
 * Paulie: What?
 * Tommy: Shut up! [to Sheila] You know, I have to go to work, I have to drop him off blah blah blah.
 * Sheila: Oh, I'm sorry. Am I an inconvenience to you? Oh, yeah. I must be a big fat inconvenience to you. [Tommy starts walking towards his truck] Right? Unless of course you've got no place to go or you're lonely or you're looking for some place to park your cock.
 * Tommy: Talk to you later.
 * Sheila: Oh that's perfect. There's a picture I can't get enough of. You walking away. Hey, you have no responsibility here, too bad you're not married, you don't have to handle it right? You big pussy! [starts crying and Tommy starts his truck]
 * Tommy: You got a girlfriend, Paulie? [Paulie shakes his head] I think I'm the retarded one.

Twat (aka &#!&) [2.04]

 * Mickey: I used to hear voices the first two months I was sober. Sometimes I thought, you know, it was like God; sometimes it was Satan.
 * Tommy: Two months?
 * Mickey: Yep. God was tellin' me I was a worthless piece of shit, Satan's tellin' me I'm God's gift.
 * Tommy: What did God sound like?
 * Mickey: Tom Hanks.
 * Tommy: Figures.
 * Mickey: Satan was a doubleheader: one minute, he's like Jack Nicholson; the next, you know, like Hillary.


 * Franco: [to Laura] The point is this we all use every ethnic and personal slogan in the book against each other. You name it we say it.
 * Tommy: It's true. Cock-breath.
 * Franco: Shithead.
 * Sean: Asswipe.
 * Mike: Numb nuts.
 * Tommy: Ball brains.
 * Franco: Shit for brains.
 * Sean: Dipshit.
 * Mike: Pussy.
 * Tommy: Prick.
 * Franco: Dick.
 * Sean: Scumbag.
 * Tommy: Dick face.
 * Franco: Ape ass.
 * Mike: Ape face.
 * Tommy: Pencil dick, tight ass, needle dick.
 * Franco: Yeah. And that's not even getting into any of the gay stuff.


 * Sean: Laura, we call each other names all the time it's like, you know, what do you call it?
 * Mike: Name calling?
 * Sean: No, it's like ball busting but more-- more--
 * Tommy: Camaraderie.
 * Sean: No... no.
 * Franco: It's part of being on the team, you know, you joke around. You jive, you cut.
 * Laura: I never sit around with my girlfriends and call them a twat. I was on the basketball team in high school. I was on the girl's softball team in college and I never called any of those women a twat. You know why? Because every woman I've ever met finds that word offensive. Not as offensive as the other word but in a race you know, they're like neck and neck.
 * Tommy: Yeah, but now you work in a job with men. A highly-populated job by men, so now you gotta cut the men you work with a little slack.
 * Mike: I thought the word that women hated most was the "C" word.
 * Sean: Yeah. I thought they invented "twat" so no one would ever have to say the other word ever again.
 * Laura: I think men invented both and never bothered to check with women about either.


 * Chief Reilly: [about Laura] Franco, you're not messin' around with her are you?
 * Franco: What're you nuts? She's not even my type.
 * Chief Reilly: Franco, she's got two tits, a pussy and she's breathin'.
 * Franco: Okay, so my taste in women has a wide set of parameters.


 * Johnny: [On the phone] Oh, let me get this straight, you quit drinking but you're going around beatin' up cops? The city was safer when you were a drunk.
 * Tommy: Yeah. Blow me.

Sensitivity [2.05]

 * Don Kleinman: Okay, you think you're prejudiced?
 * Tommy: Yep.
 * Don Kleinman: Against who?
 * Tommy: Chevy Neons that cost 12 grand to buy but have 8,000 dollar paint jobs and have 9 Spicks inside of them smokin' weed. That's one thing.
 * Don Kleinman: Now the term Spick--
 * Franco: It's okay, I'm a Spick.
 * Don Kleinman: Well, see that's not really th---
 * Tommy: Crazy chink broads that really don't know how to drive in the first place but now they have cell phones stuck to their ears while their doin' 65 MPH down 5th Avenue, huh, right? Crazy chinks on bikes who have 10 pounds of Chinese food strapped to the handle bars.

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 * Franco: You see, that's another thing. Puerto Ricans even get shafted when it comes to racial slurs. Chinks have what, like four? We have one-- Spick. That's it. The Irish they got, mick, patty, donkey. The Italians they got guinea, wop, dago.
 * Sean: Yeah, and spaghetti-bender.
 * Franco: Ah, spaghetti-bender went out of style during Sinatra's first marriage.
 * Mike: Greaseball.
 * Franco: Yeah, greaseball. There you have it; that's four.
 * Tommy: Yeah, and the same thing with the Jews, right? Heeb, kike, Jew boy, Benny.
 * Franco: Shylock.
 * Tommy: That's five.
 * Franco: Black people, forget about it. Spear-Chucker, jungle bunny, raisin head, porch monkeys.
 * Lou: Spook.
 * Sean: Tar baby.
 * Franco: Yeah. It's endless, totally unfair. [Don Kleinman just looks at them, totally mortified] What?

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 * Don Kleinman: [After watching a sensitivity video] Now, what did we learn from that?
 * Tommy: Uh, that only white people can be racist?
 * Don Kleinman: That wasn't the point of the video.
 * Tommy: Well, it's pretty obvious. Where are the black guys callin' white people crackers, huh? Where were the Mexicans shittin' all over the Puerto Ricans? You know? Where were all the chinks who hate the Japs, who hate the Koreans who hate-- [Don trys to interrupt him but Tommy keeps going] This is bullshit. This is just to cover the FDNY's ass, that's all this is good for. Just in case some Puerto Rican woman or some fat Chinese guy files a lawsuit against the FDNY or God help us there's another disgruntled female firefighter who thinks she has a case. The FDNY can say "No, no, no, they can't be prejudice, they took this horseshit sensitivity training." Let me tell you somethin'. The next time I run into a burning building and refuse to bring out anybody who's not the same color as me, then that's when you can bring my angry, pink, sober, Irish, ass back down here. Got it? I'm gonna go out for a smoke! (door slams)

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 * Johnny: Are you outta your mind, huh? Did mom know?
 * John Sr.: If your mother knew we wouldn't be having this conversation because I'd be dead somewhere in some river with my balls in my mouth. [mocking Johnny] "Did mom know?"
 * Tommy: You know the guy's almost the same age as me, right? He's like a couple weeks younger. I mean how long were you seein' this broad?
 * John Sr.: Uh... oh, about 36 years.
 * Johnny: What? You were having an affair for 36 years?
 * John Sr.: What can I tell you? When it comes to adultery I'm a one woman man.

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 * Lou: Hey kid, my dreams are all filled up with Candice Bergen, a chocolate wheelchair and the Olsen Twins.
 * Chief Reilly: I've had the same dream. Except its Carly Simon and a big tub of chunky peanut butter.
 * Tommy: Why chunky?
 * Chief Reilly: Better traction.

Reunion [2.06]

 * Colleen: I am never getting married and I am never getting pregnant.
 * Tommy: Well you just made your dad a very happy man, sweetheart.

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 * Johnny: Tommy, when you're in jail in some hick town, and you're taking it up the ass from Otis the drunk, don't call me. Don't call me, you'll be on your own, bro.
 * Tommy: No I won't. I'll have Otis.

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 * Mike: [about his tall girlfriend] Well, you never met her how do you know she's gigantic?
 * Lou: Well, I was on my way to work and I saw her swatting planes away from The Empire State Building.

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 * Johnny: So, you're not in jail yet?
 * Tommy: No. Why would I be in jail? Except for maybe killing you, which I would right now, except it would interupt my smoke.

Shame [2.07]

 * Tommy: Steak and ice cream?
 * Uncle Teddy: It's my latest invention, beef-stash-eo. I called the people at Ben & Jerry's but they said "no." Some people have no vision.

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 * [Sean quietly sits down beside Lou]
 * Lou: What?
 * Sean: Well, it's my cock.
 * Lou: Oh, forget I asked.

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 * Sean: It's like my dick is some sort of weapon of mass destruction.
 * Lou: Okay, first of all. Your dick is not a weapon of mass destruction because if it were I would be in complete awe of you, which I am not. But there are really two issues here Sean. The first pertains to the fact that you have a tiny fragment of brain matter lodged somewhere in your skull. No offense.
 * Sean: None taken.
 * Lou: Second is your dating pool. Which in my opinion, should be drained, filled in, and black topped over. Maybe even a playground for poor kids built on top.

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 * Lou: Now, the only problem is that she wants to see me out with my imaginary girlfriend. I'm done for.
 * Tommy: Nah, not necessarily. Situations like this, this is why God invented whores.

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 * Tommy: What, are you drinking all day now?
 * John Sr.: I'm 82. I'm retired, and I'm married to a new and much younger woman who's not only rich but likes to bang my brains out at least 3 times a week. So I'm not drinking kid. I'm in a perpetual toast.

Believe [2.08]

 * Tommy: [on the phone] Hey, you backstabbin' son of a bitch.
 * Johnny: Oh, hey, Tom.
 * Tommy: You're supposed to be my brother, asshole.
 * Johnny: I am your brother. I was just tryin' to do you a favor.
 * Tommy: By helpin' Janet take my kids again? That's supposed to be doin' me a favor? How's that work?
 * Johnny: Tommy, if you would just listen to her.
 * Tommy: You know what, Johnny? You're dead to me. You're dead to me. You got that?

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 * Janet: I don't wanna go to court.
 * Tommy: You try takin' these kids away from me again--
 * Janet: I don't wanna take them again. You know this whole thing? I didn't get angry, I got sad. My whole head went back to when we first met... Our wedding, how funny you were, Colleen being born. Those Beatles songs that you used to sing to her to make her fall asleep. Those sweet little horse-clown pictures that you used to draw for Katy. (Janet starts crying) You know Tommy, I couldn't even move for almost a day, and then I couldn't stop crying. I need my kids. But at least three or four times a day when I had them Connor and Katy would look at me and ask where you were. "Is Daddy coming for the weekend?" "Is Daddy coming for Christmas." "Where's Daddy now?" "Is Daddy dead, you would tell us if Daddy died, right mom?" I was in a hospital for a couple of weeks. But I uh got some counseling. And I got back up on my feet. The thing is while I was there, I got my head straightened out enough that I got a little perspective. I think for the sake of the kids, and from what we used to be like, before Jimmy died. I think we oughta give it one last go.
 * Tommy: One last go? That's a hell of a way to jump start a relationship.
 * Janet: Until death do us part, right?
 * Tommy: Right.

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 * Sean: [after a river rescue] Oh, Jesus, my skin smells like it's rotting.
 * Lou: Yeah, why don't you bottle that and call it "essence of ass."

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 * [They are outside the Chief's house at his party, looking inside at all the gay guys]
 * Lou: Probie, get in there and get us some booze.
 * Mike: Why me?
 * Tommy: Because you can probably slip under the gaydar.
 * Mike: Me? What about Sean?
 * Tommy: If we were to have the gayest lookin' guy in the crew contest, you win, hands down.
 * Lou: Or pants down as the case may be.
 * Sean: What does that mean? He has better hair than me? Better body? Better what?
 * Tommy: You're really not asking me that question right now are ya?

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 * [Sean is a little drunk]
 * Mike: Hey, man, straighten up. There two hot chicks in a party full of gay guys. It's like catching fish in a barrel.
 * Sean: [pauses] It's shooting fish.
 * Mike: What?
 * Sean: It's shooting fish in a barrel. That's the expression, you dumbass.
 * Mike: Yeah but if they're in the barrel, why would you shoot 'em? Why wouldn't you just reach in with your hands and pull one out?

Rebirth [2.09]

 * Lou: [about Janet] She's either the world's greatest actress or she's on drugs.
 * Tommy: What I can't be funny?
 * Lou: Not to her. Not in years. Unless of course it's a brain tumor. But you wanna know somethin' with all the shit that's gone down between the two of ya in the last five years let alone for her to be laughin' at your jokes, it's gotta be a tumor the size of a goddamn grapefruit.
 * Tommy: I don't think it's a tumor, okay?
 * Lou: Well, then we have option number three.
 * Tommy: Which is what?
 * Lou: Goof balls.
 * Tommy: Goof balls?
 * Lou: Pills. They have pills for everything now. Stop smoking, pay attention, blah blah blah. I bet my right nut that she's one of those brand new, I hate my husband, I hate my life, my vagina hurts, please just take it all away that kinda thing. Take two a day and not only is your asshole husband funny but you might wanna bang his lying, deceitful, cheatin' little brains out. No offense, Tommy.
 * Tommy: None taken.

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 * Franco: It's not a thingy, Sean! It's a step. And you're supposed to make amends for your own personal bullshit not mine! Tellin' Laura I was bangin' the nurse, that's one thing. Tellin' the whole crew that I was bangin' Laura, Sean, that's like a whole new level of retardation. That is like the special Olympics of substance abuse.
 * Sean: Well, I was drunk.

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 * Tommy: [Franco wants to write Laura a poem] No, no, listen to me, listen to me. I don't care who we're talkin' about-- young chick, old chick, in-between chick, Cindy Crawford on her best damn day-- they all think their ass is fat, okay? We love the ass. We all think the ass is like a festival of fun. It's a place to go, chock-full of stuff we can to do, but to them, the ass is death. Gravity and death and hard goddamn times. Stay away from the ass, okay? Go with the tits. Tits, eyelashes, eyes. All right? That's it. [Lou looks at him] What?
 * Lou: You write a poem about tits, she's gonna rip it up and shove it down your throat. Chicks wanna hear about emotions, they wanna hear about remorse, they wanna hear I'm sorry's up the goddamn ying-yang.
 * Tommy: So you write a poem that says I'm sorry, blah blah blah. I regret bing bang boom. And then you throw in a "Hey, I like your nice beautiful tits." [Lou stares at him] What?
 * Lou: Emotions.
 * Tommy: Tits.
 * Lou: Remorse.
 * Tommy: Melons.
 * Lou: I'm sorry.
 * Tommy: Gazungas.
 * Lou: I love you.
 * Tommy: Double peaches of pleasure.

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 * Lou: Around here, we got the probie, he controls all the homo retard crap, okay? Garrity covers all the stupid retard bullshit. Franco is our pussy man. You control all the drinkin' and the fire hero worship crap. Poetry is my territory, you're musclin' in on my turf.
 * Tommy: You need to take some kinda chill pill because you're very upset--
 * Lou: Lemme ask you somethin' else. Where were the tits?
 * Tommy: Where were the tits?
 * Lou: All week long in the poem! [mocking him] It's gotta have tits. Gotta love tits. It needs tits, it needs tits. 14 goddamn lines, not one tit.
 * Tommy: It was implied.
 * Lou: Oh, it was implied?
 * Tommy: Yes, in subtext.
 * Lou: It was subtext. Subtext, my ass. What are you Walt goddamn Whitman all of a sudden? The Tommy Gavin I know would never write that poem. The Tommy Gavin I know would never write that poem to seduce his own piece of ass let alone his buddy's. You wanna know something? This, the fall you just took, the dancing, the singing, the cleaning, the la-la-la, what the hell are you on?

Brains [2.10]

 * Sean: Hey, maybe I can help.
 * Chief Reilly: Yeah, and I can grow a vagina.

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 * Sean: You call up and you tell them what kind of service you want, what kind of hours you need and they send over a bunch of nurses.
 * Chief Reilly: I only need one.
 * Sean: I know, but that's like the fun of it. They send over a bunch and you choose one. It's like American Idol, you know, except it's nurses instead of singers, and you don't get to call up and vote to see who wins, and Paula Abdul's not there acting like a freak show. Actually it's not like American Idol at all.

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 * Johnny: [to Tommy, on the way to donate blood] You might wanna pick up someone else's blood on the way. Yours is probably still flammable.

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 * Tommy: [After they donated blood] I just feel really light headed. You don't have anymore juice, do ya?
 * Johnny: You almost fell getting off the table, you pussy.
 * Tommy: I got up too fast, okay? And you should watch your language in front of the house of God. Back me up on that.
 * Father Murphy: He's right.
 * Johnny: Sorry.
 * Tommy: Yeah, asshole.

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 * Johnny: You give that guy a bad nose job, a ranch with some rides on it and Liz Taylor's home number, you're looking at Michael Jackson my friend.
 * Tommy: Okay, first of all he's our half brother, okay? So if he's Michael Jackson, you know who that makes us? That makes me Tito and that makes you Jermaine
 * Johnny: Why do I gotta be Jermaine?
 * Tommy: Cause I'm Tito.

Bitch [2.11]

 * [After Tommy just drank orange juice that had pulp in it]
 * Janet: Since when do you hate pulp?
 * Tommy: Ever since they started takin' the time to take the goddamn pulp out. Since then, okay?
 * Janet: Honey, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a thing with the pulp.
 * Tommy: Yeah. I hate all pulp. I hate orange juice pulp. I hate that stupid British band named Pulp. Pulp Fiction. Quentin Tarantino, what's with that goddamn head by the way. Is that not the biggest head in the history of heads? He turns sideways it's like you're lookin' at a map of the New Jersey coastline. And Kill Bill what a piece of shit. And then there's a Kill Bill 2 what's that about? Jesus Christ.
 * Janet: Tommy, the kids.
 * Tommy: Kids, when you grow up don't see either one of the Kill Bill's they both suck, okay?

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 * Franco: Oh, shit. Sean Garrity readin' a book. That's the first sign of the apocalypse.

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 * Chief: [seeing Sean and Mike play Scrabble] Look at this: A meeting of the minds and the minds are a no-show.
 * Tommy: [looking at the Scrabble board] Hmm. "Tag." "Arm." "It." "Go." That's great guys.
 * Laura: Why even bother keepin' score?
 * Mike: [placing tiles on the board] F-E-L-L. Read it and weep.
 * Sean: Oh, shit. How many points? [Sean and Mike just stare at each other, Mike takes a little time to figure it out]
 * Mike: Eight.

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 * Franco: I don't know if I can believe you or not, Tom. See the Tommy Gavin I used to know was a lyin', cheatin', schemin', brawlin', skirt-chasin' son of a bitch. I looked up to him. You always knew where he stood, but this new Tommy, this, uh, fancy coffee-drinkin', pastry-eatin', kind, sweet, sincere one, uh-uh, Bro, I don't trust him as far as I can throw him.

Happy [2.12]

 * Uncle Teddy: You mean to tell me she's leaving 60 million dollars to the goddamn cats?!
 * Lawyer: And the cancer foundation.
 * Uncle Teddy: I got cancer.
 * Tommy: You do?
 * Lawyer: Cat cancer.

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 * Sean: Hey, I've--I've been thinkin' about your nuts. And I think it's gonna be okay. I mean, look at Lance Armstrong. He turned out really well.
 * Mike: Yeah, was that before or after he landed on the moon?
 * Sean: No, Lance Armstrong. The guy who won the Tour de France like 26 times in a row. (Mike is silent) Whoa, holy shit, bro you don't even know what the Tour de France is, do you?
 * Mike: I want to say wine tasting?

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 * Maggie: I figured you and me we always had a special bond. Backed each other up.
 * Tommy: I know. I know.
 * Maggie: I figure the only reason that you like me is because I'm the only person the family hates worse than you.
 * Tommy: There might be a sliver of truth to that. But you know I love you and Johnny likes you.
 * Maggie: Oh, don't pump sunshine up my ass Tommy. Johnny is scared shitless of me. Always was.

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 * Michael: I haven't seen you in many, many years. Peggie Sue. I hardly reconized you.
 * Maggie: You know what? Why do you gotta call me that name? I hate that name. My name's Maggie.
 * Michael: It's the name your mother and I gave you.
 * Maggie: I don't care. It's a stupid name. Just because you and mom were a Buddy Holley fan doesn't mean I gotta be stuck with that stupid name for the rest of my life.

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 * Sean: [gasps] You banged my sweet cousin, Angie?
 * Franco: No.
 * Sean: Oh, Jesus.
 * Franco: I banged your sister.
 * Sean: Missy? Franco she was like 17.
 * Franco: I know. I waited a year.

Justice [2.13]

 * Michael: I'm an old man. So they put me in jail. That could be two weeks for all we know.
 * Uncle Teddy: That could be one week.
 * Michael: Thanks, asshole.
 * Uncle Teddy: Look, you're not doing this, if this goes down, I'm the shooter.
 * Michael: I had first dibs.
 * Tommy: Did you just say dibs?

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 * Sean: Seriously, this whole Katy thing is freaking me out. I can't shake it.
 * Lou: So you believe in heaven?
 * Sean: Of course.
 * Lou: With people standing around on clouds all day?
 * Sean: Well, yeah.
 * Lou: With wings?
 * Sean: We---I don't know about wings. That seems a little stupid.
 * Lou: But people standing around all day on water vapor. That's perfectly reasonable?
 * Sean: Look, all I'm saying is that there is a heaven, okay? I've always believe that. What it is exactly, that's up to each individual person. You know? Like, my heaven, for example, I mean, there's clouds.
 * Lou: We've established that.
 * Sean: But there's a lot of downtime, y'know? And you can play video games all day. Oh, and the best part is, if you, like want a Mountain Dew or somethin', you don't have to go and get it and open the can, y'know? You just-- You think it, and then taste just...appears in you mouth, and you're quenched. You know, your thirst.

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 * Sean: [After talking to Katy] You had to be there, Lou. It was eerie.
 * Mike: Yeah spooky. Like in horror movies where the little girl's a total freak and kills everyone in the end.
 * Sean: Yeah, and the way she was talking, uh, and her eyes. She didn't blink the entire time that we were with her.
 * Mike: She didn't. I was watching.
 * Lou: You know, guys, she's a little girl. Whose brother just died. She's dealing with it.

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 * [Sean and Mike enter Katy's room while she's sitting on her bed drawing on a pad using crayons.]
 * Sean: Hi
 * Katy: Hi
 * Sean: How are you doing? (He walks towards the bed and sits down next to Katy.)
 * Katy: I miss my brother.
 * Sean: Yeah, yeah, I bet. But you know what, Katy? You just- ah- you just gotta remember that you're gonna- see him again... someday. You know, up in heaven.
 * [Katy is silent.]
 * Sean whispers to Mike: You want to help me out here, say something? Say something. Say something!
 * Mike: Um, you see, Katy, um, where he is right now, there is no pain. He is happy. And he doesn't remember anything about the accident. God makes that all go away.
 * Sean: Is that true?
 * Mike: That's what I heard.
 * Sean: Wow. Wow.
 * [They turn their attention back to Katy.]
 * Sean: Listen Katy, you gotta know that Connors is fine and he's being taken care of, and you're going to see him again."
 * Katy: No, I won't.
 * Sean: Yes, you will, sweetie, I promise.
 * Katy: No, I won't. Because there is no heaven.
 * Mike: Of course there's a heaven, honey.
 * Katy: Prove it.
 * [Mike and Sean glance at each other and whisper something.]
 * Sean: Um... See, y-you just have to... believe.
 * Katy: I do believe. I believe there is no heaven, just as there is no god. Human beings know he doesn't exist. We need to feel special, more special than animals and bugs. Because we are scared. We need to think there is someone out there protecting us, watching over us. We're nothing. We come from dirt, and we go back into the dirt.
 * Mike: See ya. (He quickly gets up and leaves.)
 * Sean: Listen, Katy-
 * Katy: Can you please leave me alone now?"
 * Sean: Absolutely. (He gets up and leave.)

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 * Johnny: [About Tommy]I hope to Christ he doesn't fall off the wagon.
 * Uncle Teddy: I wouldn't blame the guy if he drove the wagon right through the liquor store window and drank the entire inventory.