Roseanne (season 1)


 * Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | Main

Roseanne was a television sitcom, airing on ABC, that ran from 1988-1997 and was revived in 2018, about a blue collar family with a humorous backbone, through the trials of life, marriage, raising a family, and making ends meet.

Life and Stuff [1.1]

 * Dan: Are you ever sorry we got married?
 * Roseanne: Every second of my life.
 * Dan: Me, too.
 * Roseanne: You are, really?
 * Dan: [thinks] Nah.
 * Roseanne: OK, me neither, then.


 * "''Roseanne: Beer Commercial
 * Roseanne: The point is, you think this is a magic kingdom where you just sit up here on your throne!
 * Dan: Oh yeah?
 * Roseanne: Yeah! And you think everything gets done by some wonderful wizard - oh, poof, the laundry's folded; poof, dinner's on the table!
 * Dan: You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner! I'm fixing dinner!
 * Roseanne: Oh but honey, you just fixed dinner three years ago!




 * Roseanne: [exasperated at Becky and Darlene's arguing] This is why some animals eat their young.




 * BeckyL '' Mom Dad Darlene cut her finger off!
 * Roseanne What Happened?
 * Becky  She cut herself with the scissors.
 * ''' Roseanne O.K. Let's Go
 *  Becky: Take her to the emergency room. She needs a tourniquet!
 *  Roseanne: Shut up, honey!

We're in the Money [1.2]

 * Dan: (About a drywall job) Be a lot of money if I get it.
 * Roseanne: You're not gonna get it.
 * Dan: There'll be a lot of guys puttin' bids in.
 * Roseanne: And they're all better than you, I bet.
 * Dan: Hey, I'm pretty good.
 * Roseanne: You're not either.
 * Dan: I'm the best!
 * Roseanne: You're the worst!
 * Dan: I am drywall master of the universe! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!


 * Roseanne: (to Darlene) What did I tell you about killing your brother in the living room?

Language Lessons [1.4]

 * Dan: You only married me for my cooking.
 * Roseanne: Uh-uh. I married you 'cause you needed a date for your wedding!


 * [In the garage]
 * Jackie: She's always telling people how to live their lives...
 * Dan: Yeah, well, that's because she thinks she knows everything.
 * Roseanne: [from outside] Well, I do!


 * Dan: It wouldn't be as bad if you didn't come over every weekend.
 * Jackie: Well, Dan, if you had a job, you wouldn't notice as much.


 * Dan: Hey! You can insult my wife and you can insult my children, but never badmouth my chili!


 * Roseanne: You knew when you married me that I had a sister!
 * Dan: But I didn't think she'd be be here every weekend.
 * Roseanne: Well, I didn't think I'd be here every weekend.

Radio Days [1.5]

 * Becky: Mom!!!
 * Roseanne: She's not here.


 * Roseanne: [to Becky and Darlene] OK, there's only one way to solve this problem. Give me that pillow [takes pillow from Darlene] and give me that blanket, too.[takes blanket from Becky] All right, now turn around and face each other here. [the girls face each other]. Now I want you two to fight to the death.


 * Becky: I'll get the tape.
 * Darlene: No, I'll get the tape.
 * Roseanne: I'll get my tubes tied.

Lovers' Lane [1.6]
Roseanne: (Booker is getting ready to bowl) Booker, Did you get that infection cleared up?(Booker drops the ball behind him)

The Memory Game [1.7]

 * Dan: Where's your school spirit?
 * Roseanne: I lost it on prom night with everything else.


 * Becky: I hate my hair. I hate my clothes. I hate my face.
 * Darlene: That makes two of us.

Here's to Good Friends [1.8]

 * """ Booker: On for what?
 * """ Booker: JAckie, I'd Love to go.
 * ""Crystal: I'm so stupid stupid stupid
 * ""Roseanne: Oh Crystal Don't Be Stupid
 * '''Darlene: I know, Mom
 * '''Crystal: (Full mouth) I Can't help it
 * """ Is This chair taken?
 * """Roseanne: Lighten up, Crystal


 * """"Dan:"" How did it go with Crystal?
 * """Darlene: So what did you think?

Dan's Birthday Bash [1.9]

 * Dan: You know Vinnie, that new kid I hired?
 * Roseanne: Oh, you mean that 19-year-old Adonis with the washboard stomach?
 * Dan: You noticed.
 * Roseanne: Noticed? Hell, I made sketches.

Saturday [1.10]

 * Roseanne: Why must you mere mortals gamble with your own thoughts when you have the goddess of corn here to keep you from screwing up?


 * Dan: Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot, you're the real expert with women.
 * Dwight: I guess I know my way around the henhouse all right.
 * Dan: Yeah, probably so, since you're still living at home with your mom.


 * Dwight: You know, if my woman ever talked to me that way, you know what I would say?
 * Dan: Yeah, "Get back in the house, Ma!"


 * Jackie: [regarding Dwight] I was down at his hardware store the other day and he was following me around like a puppy. I thought it was cute.
 * Roseanne: Cute? I'll bet his parents are brother and sister.

Canoga Time [1.11]

 * Dan: Hey, kiddo, you gonna stick around and mooch dinner from us tonight?
 * Jackie: No, I have a date.
 * Dan: Animal, vegetable or mineral?
 * Jackie: Booker.
 * Roseanne: Vegetable.


 * Darlene: [attempting to change a grade on her report card] I can't match this red ink. [Miss] Crane probably drains the blood out of stray cats to get her ink!


 * Booker: [trying to explain to Jackie why he is so late for their date] I was on the phone with my mother. [Jackie makes a face, Dan snickers] I was!
 * Roseanne: Geez, Booker, you ought to take a shovel around with you when you travel.

The Monday Thru Friday Show [1.12]

 * """Roseanne: Rock and Roll!!!
 * """Roseanne: Becky, Go wash for dinner.
 * """Becky: What are we having?
 * '''Roseanne: Frog legs
 * """Jackie: Are you serious?
 * Dan: What's this in my pocket? It could be? It might be? It is ... holy cow, it's a honeymoon! [hands Roseanne a brochure] Why yes, it's paradise.
 * Jackie: Oh, another guy who thinks he's got paradise in his jeans.
 * Roseanne: Yeah, paradise lost.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Darlene: I figured a paper route was an easy way to make money.
 * Dan: Ha, Darlene, there's no easy way to make money. If there was, your mother would have found it by now.
 * """ Roseanne: Watch out for the mist

Bridge Over Troubled Sonny [1.13]

 * DJ: Mom, Darlene's still on the phone.
 * Roseanne: Hey, don't come in here ratting on people now. Dan, he's ratting on people!
 * Dan: Cheese eater. [makes squeaking noises]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Becky catches Darlene smoking]
 * Becky: What do you think you're doing?
 * Darlene: What does it look like, Einstein?
 * Becky: You're gonna die, you know that?
 * Darlene: From one cigarette?
 * Becky: Yeah: Mom and Dad are going to kill you.

""Dan: Sonny, It's Me Dan
 * ""Darlene: Knock it off, you little twerp

Father's Day [1.14]

 * [Darlene is playng with trick handcuffs]
 * Roseanne: You know, Darlene, I have the feeling that you're going to have an even nicer pair of those someday.

Nightmare on Oak Street [1.15]

 * [ D.J. comes in the Conner's garage with hair clips in his hair ]
 * D.J: How do I look Dad?
 * Dan: Beautiful.
 * D.J: Guys aren't supposed to look beautiful!
 * Dan: Damn beautiful.
 * D.J: That's better!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Becky: I wonder what people did before television.
 * Roseanne: They made dolls out of corn cobs and stared at fire.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Dan: I had this recurring dream in broad daylight. I had this mug with a little airplane design on it, and every time I'd drink from it, the engine would start up, and it would get closer, and I swear this is true, the propeller went up my nose.
 * Roseanne: You're scary.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Darlene: Will everybody stop talking about nightmares? I didn't have a nightmare!
 * Roseanne: If you didn't have a nightmare, then why'd you have trouble goin' to sleep?
 * Dan: Were you worried about your basketball game?
 * Darlene: No, I wasn't worried about my basketball game.
 * Roseanne: Did you screw up in history again Darlene?
 * Darlene: No, I didn't screw up in history again.
 * Roseanne: Well then, what is the matter?
 * Darlene: I got my period! Okay?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Jackie (to Roseanne): So what's going on?
 * Roseanne: Darlene got her period last night.
 * Jackie: No kidding? She's only 11.
 * Roseanne: I was 11 when I got my period.
 * Jackie: Yeah, but you were already wearing a D-cup.
 * Roseanne: Yeah, two of them.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Jackie: The poor kid's just been sentenced to 45 years of monthly inconvenience.
 * Roseanne: Gee Jackie, I hope I can find a way to pass that enlightened wisdom on to my daughter.
 * Jackie: You will, just tell her about all those famous athletic women types, and how they all get their periods too.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * (Roseanne and Jackie recall how their mother dealt with their first periods)
 * Jackie: What about when she brought home pamphlets from the Red Cross?
 * Roseanne: For two weeks, I thought what I had was a natural disaster.

<hr width="50%"/>

Mall Story [1.16]

 * Becky: Mom, Darlene and DJ are killing each other out there.
 * Roseanne: What's the bad news?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Roseanne: (to Becky) We gotta wait for your dad to park the car. Then we gotta hear the Epic Saga.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Darlene: Dad, I need money.
 * DJ: No, she doesn't!
 * Darlene: Go suck on a loafer. C'mon Dad, Mom won't gimme any!
 * Dan: She probably has a good reason.
 * Darlene: No, just cheapness.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Dan: There's no way I'm spending my Saturday sitting in a shoe store waiting to be waited on with 50 other guys who are waiting to be waited on. I ain't buying shoes. That's it. End of discussion.
 * Roseanne: And get a couple of extra pairs of laces too.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Roseanne: Ya know, I love malls...you can live, die, and learn to play the organ, all under one roof!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Becky: (sulking) I'm never eating again.
 * Roseanne: Okay, but you're still doing the dishes.

<hr width="50%"/>

Becky's Choice [1.17]

 * Roseanne: [coming home from the grocery store while Dan, Darlene and D.J. play baseball] Get your popcorn, get your peanuts, get over here and help me with these damn bags!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Darlene: Do I HAVE to get dressed up for this boring dinner?
 * Roseanne: No, we're all dining naked.
 * Darlene: AGAIN?!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Darlene: This is great, now I gotta eat this stupid fish and wear this stupid dress...
 * Roseanne: And then you're gonna do the stupid dishes.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Dan: [forbidding Becky to see Johnny] I want you to get on the phone, you call the tongue bandit, and tell him you ain't goin' nowhere tonight.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Dan: Something is about to occur that is gonna wish you were to woke up as a different person, in a different house, in a different country, on a different planet.
 * [Behind him, the doorbell rings. Dan opens the door to reveal Edgar and Bonnie standing there, all smiles, carrying a box]
 * Bonnie: Croissants!
 * [Dan and Roseanne are speechless]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Becky: [about Johnny] It's none of your business!
 * Roseanne: It IS my business when you start sneakin' out of this house to meet some guy that I would consider leavin' your father for!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Roseanne: You know, Becky, what you did is gonna make it to ZIT Magazine's Ten Most Vicious Teens!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Darlene: So how long's Becky grounded for?
 * D.J.: What'd she do?
 * Roseanne: She forgot to gag Darlene like I told her.

The Slice of Life [1.18]

 * [Roseanne and Dan are contacting their insurance at the hospital while Darlene is having an appendectomy]
 * Roseanne: Conner. C as in 'cat,' O as in 'oaf,' N as in 'numbskull,' N as in 'nitwit'...E as in...'empty-headed,' R as in 'target!'

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Roseanne: I found it, Darlene!
 * Darlene: What?
 * Roseanne: The floor of your room!

Workin' Overtime [1.19]

 * [The ladies have just learned that Booker is assigning them an extra hour of overtime because of a mistake Jackie made on her machine.]
 * Jackie: I suppose you're going to point the finger at me.
 * Roseanne: Yeah, and you know which one.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Waitress: My Marvin passed away about 7 years ago. I miss him.  He was a good man.  The hardest part﻿ is going home at night to an empty house. It's so damn quiet. Y'know, sometimes, I turn on the ball game and turn it up real loud like he used to do.  And I hate sports! But what are you gonna do?

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Roseanne: [examining D.J.'s artwork] This is a pretty picture. Is this one for school?  There's Daddy and me, and Becky and you... where's Darlene?
 * D.J.: [points to a spot on picture] Right there.
 * Roseanne: That looks like a bunch of flowers.
 * D.J.: I know. That's her grave.
 * [D.J. grins at Darlene, who glares back]

Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore [1.20]

 * Becky: [yelling at Darlene] How come I found my new sweater in the bottom of your grungy closet?
 * Roseanne: Because everything in the free world is in the bottom of the grungy closet. So what else is new?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Becky: [frustrated at the washing machine] I HATE this house! Nothing ever works!
 * Roseanne: [cooking] Except me.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Crystal: I was on my way home from taking Lonnie downstate to his grandma's and almost lost control of the car. It's like the end of the world out there!
 * Roseanne: Great, no more Geraldo!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Becky: [about Darlene] Can't we have her put to sleep?
 * Roseanne: Well, we tried, but the vet backed out.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Jackie: Fork over the bread, Fred.
 * Dan: Don't hurry back, Jack.
 * Jackie: Thanks for the cash...stupid.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Roseanne:(After hearing about the tornado watch), okay, eveybody duck and cover.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Roseanne: What's the worst that could happen? A tornado picks up our house and slams it down in a better neighborhood.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Roseanne: [scolding Darlene for playing a prank during the tornado] That is not funny! You're grounded till menopause!
 * Darlene: Yours or mine?
 * Roseanne: Your father's!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Crystal: How do you like yours [marshmallows], Roseanne?
 * Roseanne: Like I like my men: crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Roseanne:(To DJ) Don't bother your aunt Jackie when she's in the middle of a breakdown.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Roseanne: (After hearing loud bumping noise outside of the front door, scaring Crystal.) It's for you, Crystal!

<hr width=50%/> (Roseanne and Dan bump into eachother in the hallway to the kitchen, making them both yell, scaring Crystal)
 * Crystal: What was it?
 * Dan: Nothing.
 * Roseanne: I just bumped into my future, and it was hideous!

<hr width=50%/>
 * Becky: Mom, can Darlene and I go and see what's left of the neighborhood?
 * Roseanne: Yeah, be careful where you walk though, and no looting unless it fits me.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Darlene: Our stuff was lying all over the neighborhood!
 * Roseanne: What'd you bring it back for? This was my big chance to get rid of it.

Death and Stuff [1.21]

 * Darlene: Will Dad﻿ have a third cup of coffee?
 * Becky: Will Mom get off the sofa by noon?
 * Roseanne: Will you get the hell out of my house?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Salesman: Good afternoon, ma'am, and how are you? I would like a moment of your time.
 * Roseanne: [closes the door] I already been saved.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [After the salesman dies on the table]
 * Roseanne:(Checks his pulse) Oh my God! He's dead!
 * Dan: Check it again!
 * Roseanne: I know how to count to zero!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Roseanne: Well, don't look at me. If we would have had sex like I wanted to, none of this would have happened.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Darlene: How's my baklava?
 * Police Officer: It's very hot. Don't touch it.
 * Darlene: [touches baklava] Ow!
 * Roseanne: You think 'cause you got a gun, she's gonna listen to you?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Coroner: [checks the body for a pulse] Yep, he's dead.
 * Roseanne: Well, there's that in-depth﻿ medical expertise we've been waitin' for.

Dear Mom and Dad [1.22]

 * Dan: Let me see if I got this straight: we need milk.
 * Roseanne: Milk.
 * Dan: We need eggs﻿.
 * Roseanne: Eggs.
 * Dan: Bullets.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Bev: What kind of list is he making, not that it's any of my business?
 * Dan: A hitlist.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Roseanne: If my parents move to Lanford, I'm going to be sleeping on a cot for the rest of my life because I'm going to be in prison for blowing them away.

Let's Call It Quits [1.23]

 * Mr. Faber: How long you been here, anyway?
 * Roseanne: Long enough.
 * Mr. Faber: Your, uh, personnel file says "11 years."
 * Roseanne: You know, the last three supervisors was checking out my personnel file, but you see any of them around here?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Mr. Faber: [after Roseanne quits by dramatically punching out and tossing her time-card on the floor] Well, that was a wonderful performance, Roseanne, but if any of you are considering joining her, may I point out there are two doors to this room: one that pays and one that doesn't.
 * [following Roseanne's lead, Jackie punches out, quitting. One by one, Vonda, Sylvia, and Crystal do the same.]
 * Roseanne: I guess we're not going to make our quota today, Honey-bunch.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Jackie: It's high time that we thank the woman responsible for our emancipation: my sister, ex-Wellman employee, and a heckuva woman in her own right....What was your name again?
 * Roseanne: Sally Field!