Sam & Cat

Sam & Cat is an American teen sitcom that premiered June 8, 2013, on Nickelodeon and ran until its cancellation on July 17, 2014. It is a spin-off of both iCarly and Victorious.

#Pilot [1.01]

 * Sam: I don't have anywhere I really need to be, and you kinda seem like you need a roommate.
 * Cat: Are you saying what I think you're saying?!
 * Sam: Yeah.
 * Cat: Your gonna stay here with me in L.A. for a while and help me find a roommate?!
 * Sam: I already found you a roommate!
 * Cat: [throws her money on the couch] Shut up, who is she?!
 * Sam: Me!
 * Cat: Oh my god! [runs and hugs Sam] This is the best day ever! So much better than yesterday when we were in garbage.
 * Sam: Isn't it?


 * Taco Truck Owner: Hey! Aren't you Sam from iCarly?
 * Sam: Are you a cop?
 * Taco Truck Owner: No.
 * Sam: Then Yeah, I'm Sam.


 * Cat: What if I fall in the toilet and get stuck again?


 * Sam: If she gets stuck in the toilet again, would you please text me a pic of that?


 * Dice: You look like Sam from that web show iCarly.
 * Sam: Nah, that chick is way hotter than me.
 * Cat: (giggles) She is Sam!
 * Dice: Woah, you're awesome!
 * Sam: Yeah.


 * [Cat gets into the sofa bed next to Sam]
 * Sam: Uh, what are you doing?
 * Cat: I'm gonna sleep next to you so you don't get scared.
 * Sam: I'm not gonna get scare— Oh, whatever.
 * Cat: So, how long you going to be in L.A.?
 * Sam: Uh… I don't know.
 * Cat: Well, don't you want to get back to Seattle?
 * Sam: Eh, I'm in no rush. I mean, my best friend moved to Italy with her dad, and my mom is kind of a nut job.


 * Little girl: Can you take Darby?  He's heavy!  [hands the baby to Cat]
 * Cat: No, you guys, I gotta go!  Here.  [hands the baby to Sam]
 * Sam: Woah, I don't want this beast!  [places the baby in a flower pot]  Oh, yeah, pretty flowers.


 * Nona: [inside a sack getting pushed through the front door in a trolley by some young kids]  Aah!
 * Cat: Nona!
 * Sam: Nice sack.


 * Sam: What happened to you?
 * Nona: Those little demons happened to me!


 * Dice: And guess what I got today?
 * Cat: Ooh, is it something?


 * Dice: I got hair from Will Smith, Katy Perry.  I got Ryan Seacrest, Justin Bieber—
 * Cat: How much for the Bieber?!
 * Dice: Thirty dollars.
 * Cat: I'll take it!


 * Sam: Hey!  Don't pick up that trash can!  There's a girl in there!
 * Cat: Oh, my god!  [gets tipped out of the trash can into a garbage truck]


 * Sam: C'mon, elderlies love living with other elderlies!  They eat dinner at four o'clock and talk about pills.


 * Cat: [pulls Sam out from inside the sofa bed]  That's not how you sleep on a sofa bed.


 * Cat: Oh, please!  You saved me from being squished in garbage!  Let me repay you with the gift of bathing!


 * Dice: Save your snot!
 * Sam: You're a weird kid!


 * Sam: You got another robe I could wear?  You know, one that doesn't make me look like a vomiting rainbow.

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 * Cat: [loudly into a megaphone]  I'm stopping my vehicle!

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 * Cat: Hi!  What's wrong?
 * Young boy: We can't find our cat.
 * Cat: Shut up, my name is Cat!
 * Young boy: Can you help us find our cat?

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 * Sam: How much Bieber did you sniff?!

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 * Sam: And why is there a battery in my burrito?

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 * Sam: Let's see.  You have red hair and I'm blonde, so I get 130 and you get no-hundred and 20.  [gives Cat $20]
 * Cat: Ooo, thank you!

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 * Cat: We have to give him C-3PO!
 * Sam: CPR?
 * Cat: Okay, we'll try that first!

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 * Cat: Where's my Nona?!

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 * Cat: Is it okay if she stays here with us tonight?
 * Nona: Hmm…sure. I assume you don't have a prison record.  [laughs with Cat]
 * Sam: Yeah…you assume that.

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 * Cat: Who's gonna make me soup?
 * Nona: You can learn.
 * Cat: I can?
 * Nona: Sure, you just open the can, pour it into a bowl, and put it in the microwave.
 * Cat: Wait, slow down…

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 * Cat: You left the baby in the bush!?
 * Sam: I'm getting the baby!

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 * Cat: Bye!  [gum falls out of her mouth and into a trash can]  Dang it!  My gum fell out of my mouth!

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 * Cat: I'm gonna faint. I'm gonna puke. I'm gonna fuke!

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 * Sam: How was school?
 * Cat: Learn-y.

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 * Cat: Oh, my gosh, that was so much fun!
 * Sam: Not so much for this guy. [picks up a dead rat and throws it away]

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 * Sam: Hey! Quit sniffing the Biebs.
 * Cat: I can't help it! He smells so talented!

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 * [Cat starts tickling Sam on the motorcycle]
 * Sam: Don't tickle me.
 * [Cat stops, puts her fingers in Sam's ears]
 * Sam: Take your fingers out of my ears.
 * [Cats removes fingers, starts drumming on Sam's helmet with her hands]
 * Sam: This is gonna be a long ride.

#FavoriteShow [1.02]

 * Cat: Our first real customer!  Now we're professional babysitters!  Shh!  Just be cool, he doesn't have to know we're new at this.
 * Sam: He's three feet away.
 * [Cat turns around and the customer waves at her]

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 * Cat: Woop woop woop!  Shh!  Be cool!
 * Sam: I'll try to control myself.

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 * Sam: Try to escape, eh?  Well, now you go in the hole, see?  [eats the bone rib]

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 * Sam: Okay, Math.  Let's see.  [looks at the t.v.]  Channel two plus channel five equals channel seven.

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 * Sam: That show was a big hit!  What kind of t.v. network cancels a big hit?!
 * Cat: It's insane!  They're not even gonna do a big final episode!
 * Sam: What?!

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 * Little boy: Can someone read me a story?
 * Cat: No.
 * Little boy: Is toothpaste a vegetable?
 * Sam: No.
 * Little boy: Can I jump off the roof?
 * Sam & Cat: Yes.

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 * Sam: Look, on t.v. shows, they don't own a usual pear computer, so they change the pear to a banana.
 * Cat: Oh!  That's so clever.

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 * [door bell goes "ding dong"]
 * Cat: Ding dong.
 * Sam: Why'd you do that?
 * Cat: Do what?

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 * Dice: Aww, you're sweet.
 * Sam: [removes Dice's hat, pulls him toward her by his shirt]  Never call me sweet.

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 * Sam: You know what you need?
 * Cat: My own unicorn?

#TheBritBrats [1.03]

 * Ruby: Wait!
 * Nona: Yes?
 * Gwen: We want to buy that card.
 * Cat: But I'm buying it.  Here's my $5.
 * Gwen: I'll give you $10 for that card.
 * Cat: I'll pay you $50 for that card.
 * Gwen: $100!
 * Cat: $200!
 * Nona: [brings her hand up to her heart]  Ugh, my pace maker!
 * Gwen: Alright, I'll buy that bingo card for $500!
 * [everyone in the room gasps]
 * Nona: I'm sorry, but I have to sell the card to this little foreign girl.
 * Cat: But…but…but…
 * Ruby: Yes!
 * [the two girls walk off, then they turn around and blow raspberries at Cat]

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 * Sam: The next number is…G41.
 * [everyone awws]
 * Gwen: Yes!  Look, Ruby, we got another one!
 * Ruby: We should go to Vegas!
 * Sam: Okay, the next number is… [sarcastically trying to trick everyone, especially the two little girls] …ahh, there's a scratch on this number; I should probably just throw this one in the trash—
 * Gwen: Just say the number!
 * Ruby: Get on with it!
 * Sam: …B7.
 * Gwen & Ruby: Bingo!!
 * [everyone awws]
 * Gwen: We just won a giant television machine!
 * Ruby: Wooo!
 * Cop: [enters whistling]  Okay, this is a raid.
 * [everyone gasps]
 * Nona: We are being raided?
 * Cop: This is an illegal bingo game.
 * Sam: Since when is bingo illegal?
 * Cop: When you're giving away a prize worth over $2,000.
 * Sam: Cat!  You're running an illegal bingo game!
 * Cat: But it was Nona's idea!
 * Nona: I don't even know these girls!

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 * Cat: That snack…that snack she's eating!  Is she eating… [grabs the little girl eating bibble, smells her breath]
 * Ruby: Bibble!
 * [Cat lets go, walks backwards screaming]
 * Gwen: You want some?
 * Cat: No!  Yes!  I mean, how much bibble do you have?!
 * Gwen: We brought a big tin jug of it…
 * Ruby: …from England.
 * [Cat screams, picks up and hugs both of the little girls]

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 * Cat: I'm baaaaaack!!  [runs with her jug of bibble to the kitchen]  I got bibble!  I got bibble!!  I'm back and I got bibble!!  Woooooooo!!
 * Dice: Did you get my money back?
 * Cat: Yes!  At first.
 * Sam: And then what?
 * Cat: And then, they had this big tin jug of bibble which I bought!  Where's my spife?  [looks and finds her spife]  There's my spife!  [starts to open the jug of bibble]
 * Sam: Wait, how much did you spend on that can?
 * Cat: The can was free; I just paid for the bibble inside.
 * Dice: How much?
 * Cat: $500!  Plus my bike!  [points at Dice]  Don't judge me.  [carries on opening the bibble]
 * Sam: You gave those little Brit brats all Dice's money?!
 * Cat: And my bike!  Everybody clear?  Everybody up to speed?  I hope so 'cause I gotta eat me some bibble!  [opens the tin jug to find a load of cotton swabs]
 * Cat: Cotton swabs?!

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 * Cat: I fell off my bike, but I don't think I broke any of my parts.

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 * Cat: So what do you guys wanna do?
 * Gwen: Oh, anything would be lovely.
 * Ruby: Lovely.
 * Cat: We could make some tea.
 * Sam: You could do our laundry.
 * Cat: We could play games.
 * Sam: You could rub my feet.
 * Cat: We could sing songs.
 * Sam: While you rub my feet.

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 * Dice: Those little girls were supposed to sell me five new Pear Phone sixes.  And they sold me rocks.  Rocks!
 * Cat: They're nice rocks.
 * Dice: Who cares?
 * Cat: Any rock collector would.

#NewGoat [1.04]

 * Cat: Is that my toothbrush?
 * Sam: Would I have a toothbrush that did this?
 * [music starts playing from the toothbrush, Cat starts dancing]

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 * [doorbell]
 * Sam: Here, pick a channel.  Nothing educational.
 * [the goat changes the t.v. channel; Sam opens the entrance door]
 * Sam: Yeah?
 * Dilben: Let me in.
 * Sam: Why?
 * Dilben: Thank you.  [watches a goat in the sofa]  Ahoy!  I knew I smelled an animal.
 * Sam: Ahoy?
 * Dilben: You're not allowed to have that beast in this building.
 * Sam: Why are you wearing a cape?
 * Dilben: Because I am.
 * Sam: Are you a magician?
 * Dilben: No.
 * Sam: Superhero?
 * Dilben: No.  I wear a cape because I like capes.
 * Sam: Weirdos like capes.
 * Dilben: [shows the printed papers]  See this here?
 * Sam: No.
 * Dilben: This paper.
 * Sam: Did something poop on your forehead?
 * Dilben: I command you to listen to me!
 * [Sam places two donuts on her ears]
 * Dilben: This says, "Residents of this building may keep cats or small dogs.  No other animals allowed."
 * Sam: Are caped weirdos allowed?
 * Dilben: You're new to this building, aren't you?
 * Sam: Kinda.
 * Dilben: Well, I happen to be a big deal around here.  And you have one day to get rid of that goat.
 * Sam: That's not a goat.
 * Dilben: Is, too.
 * Sam: It's a cat.
 * Dilben: That's a lie.
 * Sam: It's a small dog.
 * Dilben: Another lie!
 * Sam: So you have no friends?
 * Dilben: Irrelevant!  Sign this, to show that you've been warned about your goat.
 * Sam: I'm not signing anything.
 * Dilben: You will sign it!  Or I won't leave.  [the next scene depicts Dilben with his shirt around his waist and his pants over his head, kicked out of the apartment by Sam]  How dare you put my shirt around my waist and my pants around my torso!
 * Sam: Thanks for stopping by.
 * Dilben: You give me back my cape!
 * Sam: No.
 * Dilben: Why not?!
 * Sam: Because young boys shouldn't wear capes.  [closes door]
 * Dilben: [leaving]  Sherlock Holmes wore a cape.

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 * [someone knocks the door twice]
 * Cat: Come in, Dice.
 * Dilben: I'm not Dice.  I'm—
 * Sam: Get out.
 * Cat: No.  Um, hi, Dilben!  Come in.  Would you like a muffin?
 * Dilben: I spit on your muffins.
 * Cat: You should try butter.
 * Dilben: Your goat is still here.
 * Sam: It's not our goat.
 * Cat: We're just babysitting him.
 * Dilben: Yeah, right.
 * Sam: Hey, you got another cape.
 * Dilben: I wanna speak to your grandmother.
 * Cat: My Nona?
 * Dilben: Get her.
 * Sam: She doesn't live here anymore.
 * Dilben: Whaaat?
 * Cat: She moved to Elderly Acres.
 * Sam: Yup.
 * Dilben: Interesting.  And who else lives here with you two?
 * Cat: Nobody.
 * Dilben: Delicious.
 * Sam: What are you yammin' about?
 * Dilben: Building rules!  All apartments must have at least one adult resident.  And since you're both in high school, and you're keeping a goat!  My father has two reasons to throw you out!  [tries to leave the house but Sam interrupts him]
 * Sam: Dilben.
 * Dilben: Yeeees.
 * Sam: Before you go… [the next scene shows Dilben with his shirt around his waist and his pants over his head, once again kicked out of the apartment by Sam]  Enjoy your Saturday.
 * Dilben: I still have one more cape!
 * Sam: Suck a truck.  [closes door]
 * Dilben: [leaving]  I will not suck a truck!  Or enjoy my Saturday!
 * Sam: [opens door]  Alright, Dilben, you can have your cape back!  [Dilben runs to the door trying to get his cape back]  Whoops!  [closes the door; Dilben fails and leaves]

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 * Nona: Call Dr. Stanky.
 * Cat: Dr. Stanky!
 * Sam: Use your phone.

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 * Cat: Boys, boys, boys!  Fighting is never the answer!  Now let's try using our words.

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 * Cat: You know what they say, "Easy like a goat."
 * Sam: Who says that?
 * Cat: The goat keepers?

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 * [doorbell]
 * Cat: Ding dong.
 * Sam: Ugh!  That's Dilben.
 * Cat: Okay, Goomer, are you ready?
 * Goomer: Yep.  I'm Uncle live here, and I'm you.
 * Cat: No!  You're our uncle and you live here!
 * Goomer: Uncle Fudge.
 * Sam and Cat: No!
 * Cat: [opens the entrance door]  Hi, Dilben.  This must be your dad.
 * Dilben's father: May we come in?
 * Cat: Well, sure.
 * Sam: Just get in the shower with the goat and make sure he stays there.
 * Dice: I don't wanna get in the shower with a goat!
 * Sam: Shower with the goat!
 * Dice: Oh!
 * Sam: Bleh!
 * [Dice runs to the bathroom]
 * Dilben's father: So my son tells me that you're living here with a goat.
 * Sam: Not anymore.
 * Cat: No more goat.
 * Dilben: They had a goat.
 * Sam: Well, now we don't.
 * Cat: Sam!
 * Dilben: And they're living here by themselves without a proper grown-up.
 * Sam: By ourselves?
 * Cat: Uncle Goomer?  [Goomer doesn't want to respond as he wishes to be called "Uncle Fudge"]
 * Sam: Uncle Fudge?
 * Goomer: Oh, hi.  I'm their uncle, and I live here.
 * Cat: With us.
 * Goomer: With them.
 * Sam: And he's twenty-seven.
 * Cat: Yup, wanna see his I.D.?
 * Sam: They don't need to see his I.D.
 * Dilben's father: I would like to see his I.D.
 * Goomer: Sure, I got it right here in my pants.
 * Sam: You don't need to show them your I.D.
 * Goomer: Here it is.
 * [the goat bleats, runs to the room; Dice runs after it]
 * Dice: Murf!  Come back here!
 * Dilben: Ahoy!
 * Dilben's father: That's a goat!
 * Sam: Well, thanks for swinging by.
 * Dilben's father: Now this says you live in Van Nuys.
 * Goomer: Well…I'm so ashamed.
 * Dilben: Ha!  You girls are outta here.
 * Cat: But this is our home!
 * Sam: Look if you want us outta here then you're gonna have to call the cops.
 * Unknown man: [enters]  Dilben?  Are you in here?  Dilben!
 * Dilben: Uh, what?!  I've never seen that man before in my life; go away, dad—uh…stranger.
 * Sam: Who are you?
 * Unknown man: Dilben's father.
 * Dilben: No!
 * Cat: Well, then who's this man?
 * Dilben's fake father: All right then.  I can clear this up.  [runs out the house, scared]
 * Sam: What is going on?
 * Cat: This is getting kinda weird.
 * Goomer: I'm Uncle Fudge.
 * Sam: Shut up.
 * Dilben's true father: Has Dilben been telling you that his father owns this building?
 * Cat: Uh-huh.
 * Sam: Yeah.
 * Dilben's true father: Well, I don't.
 * Sam: You're really his father?
 * Dilben's true father: That's right.  He's embarrassed of me because of my job.
 * Cat: What's your job?
 * Dilben's true father: I sell—
 * Dilben: Don't say it!
 * Dilben's true father: I sell wide shoes to wide-footed women.
 * Dilben: Oh, no!  Aaah!  [sits on the sofa, embarrassed]
 * Sam: Yowza.
 * Cat: Why is it such a big deal?
 * Dilben: You think it's easy being unlikable and having a dad, who sells wide shoes to wide-footed women?!
 * Dilben's true father: You think it's fun for me, having a son who wears capes?!
 * Dilben: They're fashionable!
 * Sam: Okay, ho ho hold on.  So…you're just an annoying kid who lives in this building?
 * Dilben's true father: He certainly is.
 * Cat: And you just sell wide shoes?
 * Dilben's true father: To wide-footed women, yes.
 * Sam: Well, since neither of you have any power over us… [the next scene shows Dilben and his true father with their shirts around their waists and their pants over their heads, kicked out of the apartment by Sam]  Bye!  [closes door]
 * Cat: Murf sneezed on Goomer.
 * Goomer: Bad dog.

#TextingCompetition [1.05]

 * Cat: She's always texting me about wazzing.
 * Sam: Sometimes while I'm wazzing.

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 * Mrs. Torso: I thought I told you not to come.
 * Sam: You did.
 * Mrs. Torso: Then, why are you here?
 * Sam: Oh, because we don't care what you say.
 * Cat: [laughs]  She's so disrespectful!

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 * Cat: Vice President of what?
 * Sam: I think it's the Vice President of America.
 * Cat: Oh.  Do we know what his name is?
 * Sam: Nah, we're just high school students.

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 * Cat: In school, we learned the ancient Indians used to weave rugs.
 * Mrs. Torso: What are you, dumb?
 * Sam: Hey! Weave her alone.
 * Cat: [Laughs] She is all up in your business!

#BabysitterWar [1.06]

 * Sam: That red headed girl is done with her food.
 * Bugles: Understood! [Takes Cat's food]
 * Cat: No! [Angry at Sam] You lied to a robot!

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 * Cat: Look, there's a naked robot!
 * Sam: Where?

#GoomerSitting [1.07]

 * Cat: It's a machine!
 * Sam: Please don't show me what it does.
 * Cat: Watch what it does! [flips the switch] See? I flipped the switch, and then the machine flipped it back to its original position.
 * Sam: Please don't show me again.
 * Cat: Watch again!

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 * Cat: I want five yo-yos.
 * Dice: You can have one yo-yo.
 * Cat: Five!
 * Dice: Four!
 * Cat: Three!
 * Dice: Two!
 * Cat: One!
 * Dice: Okay, one yo-yo.
 * Cat: Haha, sucker!

#ToddlerClimbing [1.08]

 * Sam: We're ceiling inspectors.
 * Cat: Here to check your ceiling.
 * Sam: It's the overhead kind. Put a check by that.
 * Cat: Check by that!

#MommaGoomer [1.09]

 * Sam:(to Goomer) What do we call your mom?
 * Cat: Oh, yeah, what's her last name?
 * Goomer: Same as mine: Merr. So just call her Mrs. Merr.
 * Sam: Wait, your last name is Merr?
 * Goomer: Yeah, my Daddy was French, so my first name is Gieux, and my last name is Merr. See? Gieux Merr.
 * Sam: Gieux.
 * Cat: Merr. Like what those three wise guys brought baby Jesus.

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 * Sam: (to Sikowitz) We need to use this classroom.
 * Sikowitz: You strike me as pushy.
 * Cat: She can be pushy.
 * Sam: I can also be punchy and kicky.

Sam and Cat's Super Rockin' Fun Time Babysitting Service

#RevengeOfTheBritBrats [1.11]

 * Cat: That makes sense, even to me!
 * Nona: These pork fingers are so spicy! Oh! My mouth is on fire! Oh!
 * Bugles: [sprays Nona with fire extinguisher] Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!

#MotorcycleMystery [1.12]

 * Goomer: Where's your motorcycle?
 * Sam: Oh, it's right over—[sees motorcycle is gone]
 * Sam: [violently shakes Cat] CAAAAAAAT! WAKE UP! Where is my motorcycle?! '''WHERE...IS...MY...MOTORCYCLE?!?!

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 * Sam: Hey!  This is America—you speak either English or Spanish!

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 * Cat: Excuse me!  I am looking for an elderly man who I do not know and whose face I do not remember.  Has anyone seen an elderly man who I do not know and whose face I do not remember?

#SecretSafe [1.13]

 * Sam: Anyway, don't look at it like we're babysitting ya.  You'll just be, like, crashing here with your two cool teenage buds.
 * Cat: Cat and Sam.
 * Sam: I don't like it when you say it that way.
 * Cat: Sam and Cat.
 * Sam: Better.

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 * Sam: Hello!  Dice!  You still there?  If you let us out now, I promise I won't break both of your legs!
 * Cat: Hey, Sam.  Try to open the door to the safe so we can get outta here!
 * Sam: Wow, why didn't I think of that?

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 * Goomer: What's the combination?
 * Cat: Nine oh two nine one!
 * Sam: That's our zip code.
 * Cat: Five seven three two
 * Sam: That's your phone number.
 * Cat: I give up.

#OscarTheOuch [1.14]

 * Cat: (to Oscar) But babysitting is supposed to make kids happy. Don't you wanna be happy?
 * Oscar: I don't know. What's it like?
 * Cat: Did you hear that?
 * Sam: You hear this? (snores)

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 * [Whenever he gets injured]
 * Oscar: Predicament!

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 * Mrs. Lurkin: Come on, Oscar. I'm taking you away from these irresponsible girls.
 * Oscar: No.
 * Mrs. Lurkin: What?
 * Oscar: First, you apologize to Sam and Cat.
 * Mrs. Lurkin: Apologize? For what?
 * Oscar: For shouting at them after they gave me the best day of my life. Yeah, I got hurt, real bad, but for the first time of my life, I actually had fun.
 * Cat: We had fun with you too, Oscar.
 * Sam: Kinda.
 * Mrs. Lurkin: Oscar, what is your point?
 * Oscar: That living life trying new things is worth getting a little hurt sometimes.
 * Cat: Yeah, haven't you heard the 47 songs about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

#DollSitting [1.15]

 * Sam: I don't want to babysit.
 * Cat: We're getting paid double.
 * Sam: I like this plan.


 * Sam: Is there a spell in there that can turn my mom into a woman with a job?

#PeezyB [1.16]

 * Peezy B (to Sam): Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What's your name, Goldilocks?
 * Sam: Puckett.
 * Peezy B: Well, guess what, Puckett?
 * Sam: What?
 * Peezy B: You got swag and you got spunk. You got that swaggy spunk!

#SalmonCat [1.17]

 * Narrator (on Dice's laptop screen): Heeeeeeeeyyyy kkkkkiiiiiddddssss.  It's time for the wet and wacky world of Salmon Cat.  Today's episode is about SSSSSHHHHHAAAAAARRRIIIINNNNNNGGGG.
 * Sam: [watching Salmon Cat on the screen]  Ugh.  This is TTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE.
 * Cat: [watching Salmon Cat on the screen]  Shh!  I like it!
 * Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen): Meow meow meow meow meow.  I've got a whole bag of candy!
 * Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen): Oink, oink, oink!  Hi there, Salmon Cat!
 * Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen): Hi there, Octo Piggy!
 * Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen): Can I have some candy?
 * Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen): Noooooooooo.
 * Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen): But I was hoping you would SSSSSHHHHHHAAAAAARRRREEEE some of your candy with me!
 * Sam: [sick of the show]  Okay.  I can't watch any more of this trash.

#Twinfection [1.18]

 * Cat: Well, what movie did you see?
 * Sam: "Blood Monkeys: Chimpley Strikes Back."
 * Cat: [gasps] That's rated R!
 * Sam: So?
 * Randy: [angrily] That movie messed me up, man!

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 * Cat: Well, I am really smart.
 * Sam: [spits out her drink and laughs] Say that again!
 * Cat: I said, "I am really smart".
 * Sam: [spits out her drink and laughs again]

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 * Melanie: Now, why did I have to come here?
 * Sam: 'Cause I need to mess with my roommate's head.
 * Melanie: Okay...so I'm supposed to be you. [points at Sam]
 * Sam: No! You're gonna be evil, insane, wild, and dangerous.
 * Melanie: So...you.
 * Sam: Me...times a hundred.
 * Melanie: Wait, you mean the "twinfection" thing?
 * Sam: Uh-huh.
 * Melanie: Oh, Sam, you know no one's dumb enough to fall for that.
 * Sam: [laughs] Let me tell you a little about my roommate. [smiles]

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 * Sam: I tricked Cat, I tricked Cat, I'm so cool 'cause I tricked Cat! [Myron and Byron jump up and start dancing] I tricked Cat with my twin sister!
 * Cat: What are-
 * Sam: Her name is Melanie and she's dancing too!
 * Cat: What are they doing here?
 * Sam: I don't know!

#MyPoober [1.19]

 * Cat: (to Ellie) Let's make a deal. How about we buy you any two desserts you want and you throw Poober in the toilet?

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 * Sam: Hey, Cat?
 * Cat: Hey.
 * Sam: How did Ellie know that our money was in the pineapple?
 * Cat: [nervously changes the subject] Umm....oh, Spanish Talk Radio! I wonder what they're saying, I'll turn it up. Oh.
 * Sam: [turns off the radio]
 * Cat: I know I shouldn't have told Ellie about the pineapple, but it seemed like a good move at the time.
 * Sam: Dang it, Cat!

#MadAboutShoe [1.20]

 * Doctor: Nurse, what is your name?
 * Sam: Sally Meatballs. [Jumps out window]
 * Stacey: I'm suspicious.

#MagicATM [1.21]

 * Cat: Officer. Officer. Could you turn on the radio?
 * Officer Kelvin: Yeah, sure. Hey, and maybe later, we'll go get some pizza and go to the mall and meet some boys.
 * Cat: I think he's being sarcastic.
 * Sam: [sarcastic] No!

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 * Cat: Sam?
 * Sam: What?
 * Cat: Could you please pull over so I could put on my seat belt?
 * Sam: No!

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 * Sam: Get the keys from the cop?
 * Cat: Okay. Which one?
 * Sam: The one I'm sitting on!

#Lumpatious [1.22]

 * Lucas: (to his brother Jepson) Why you got to be so... lumpatious?!

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 * Woman: Hmm, do you have an appointment?
 * Cat: Yeah, I made one online.
 * Woman: Cat Valentine and Samantha Pookay?
 * Sam: It's Puckett.
 * Woman: My screen says Pookay.
 * Cat: I'm pretty sure it's Pookay.
 * Sam: Shouldn't I know?
 * Cat: Yeah, you should!

#TheKillerTunaJump: #Freddie #Jade #Robbie [1.23]

 * Dice: I'm in major trouble here.
 * Sam: No, you're not! 'Cause I'm gonna jump the tuna.
 * Dice: [grateful] Yes.
 * Cat: You promised me you wouldn't.
 * Sam: Oh, what do you care? You can't like me very much if you're gonna flirt with my ex-boyfriend right in front of my face.
 * Cat: W-well you flirted with Robbie right in front of my face.
 * Sam: Oh, you mean like this? Mmm… that was some tasty Robbie.
 * Cat: Y'know what? Jump your stupid motorcycle over the tuna fish.
 * Freddie: Whoa, whoa, whoa. That sounds dangerous.
 * Cat: It is… and I don't care what happens to you.

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 * Cat: I thought you guys were fighting.
 * Sam: Why would we be fighting?
 * Cat: Well, you're both anti-social misfits, filled with anger and rage.
 * Jade: Wait. Is that why you haven't invited me over ever since you moved in?
 * Sam: And why you never wanted me to meet her?
 * Cat: Yeah.
 * Jade: What'd you think would happen?
 * Cat: Murder.
 * Jade: Do you wanna murder me?
 * Sam: No, I'm good.

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 * Nona: Who are those boys in the water?
 * Jade: It's Frobbie! Somebody save Frobbie!
 * Freddie: Please don't call us that!

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 * Cat: [Screams excessively until fainting]

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 * Robbie: If you love Sam, why have you been going around Los Angeles fadoodling with Cat?
 * Freddie: I have not been "fadoodling" with Cat.
 * Cat: [Raises hands] You could've if you wanted to!

#YayDay [1.24]

 * Sam: Ah, all right. I'll buy everyone a present for Yay Day.
 * Cat: Me too?
 * Sam: Swear no snooping?
 * Cat: Yes. Cross my bra.

#BrainCrush [1.25]

 * Sam: Do we have a hammer?
 * Cat: No.
 * Sam: [begins banging head into the door]
 * Cat: Sam, don't do that!  Use this.
 * Sam: I asked you if we had one of those!
 * Cat: You asked me if we had a hammer.
 * Sam: Well, what do you call that?
 * Cat: A nail banger!

#BlueDogSoda [1.26]

 * State regulator: What are you two, a couple of dummies? Blue Dog Soda has been banned in California!
 * Cat: Banned?!
 * Sam: Whaaaaaat?!
 * Cat: Why?
 * State regulator: 'Cause there's too much sugar in it and thanks to me, the State Bureau of Interference has passed a law: It is now illegal to sell or to drink Blue Dog Soda.
 * Sam: That's insane!
 * Cat: That's our favorite beverage.
 * State regulator: Too bad! Did you know that some people drink 10-12 bottles of this junk per day?
 * Cat: Well, we don't!
 * Sam: Yeah, but we drink, like, 1 or 2 a week!
 * State regulator: Yeah, well, some people drink too much of it.
 * Sam: So? Just 'cause some people drink too much of it, now nobody can have any?
 * State regulator: That's right! Because the public is too stupid to be trusted with things that they enjoy!
 * Chinese Woman: Wǒ bù xǐhuān nǐ shuōhuà de fāngshì! Wánquán bù hélǐ! ("I don't like the way you talk! It's completely unreasonable!")
 * State regulator: Shut up!
 * Worker Holding Box of Blue Dog: I'll take it myself.
 * Another Worker: Hey, watch out!
 * (Worker holding box of Blue Dog falls and spills all the Blue Dog)
 * Sam: [shrieks]

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 * State regulator: So, you girls babysit?
 * Cat: Yeah.
 * Sam: Why, you gonna ban us from babysitting now, too?
 * State regulator: Nah. I have a kid, and I don't like him. So, maybe I'll dump him on you two for a while.

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 * Sam: Pretty soon, we're gonna have all the Blue Dog Soda we want.
 * Cat: How?
 * Goomer: Harh.
 * Sam: I'm makin' it. I went online and did a ton of research, and pretty soon, I'm gonna have the exact formula.

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 * Sam: We're making Blue Dog Soda as a protest. This is about doing what's right!
 * Dice: What do you mean?
 * Cat: Well, it's wrong that there are people out there who want to butt into everybody's business and tell us what we can and can't have!
 * Sam: Exactly.
 * Dice: Okay. So, then, what's the plan here?
 * Sam: We make enough Blue Dog Soda for ourselves and to sell to anyone who wants some.

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 * Sam: [opens the door] It was Cat.
 * Cat: SAM!!!

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 * State regulator: Look, are you two babysitters or not?
 * Sam: Listen, buddy, unless you got a warrant, you can't just come in here and b—babysitters?
 * State regulator: Yeah. Remember the flier? It said you two babysit.
 * Cat: We do.
 * State regulator: Good. [to Mitch] Mitch, get in here! [to Sam and Cat] This is my boy, Mitch. And I thought that maybe you two could babysit him for a few hours.
 * Sam: Oh, so you came here just 'cause you want us to babysit your kid?
 * State regulator: Yeah. And he's not much trouble. He just likes—what d'you like?
 * Mitch: Television, football, cheese.
 * State regulator: That sort of stuff.
 * Mitch: Why can't I just stay with you?
 * State regulator: Well, because Daddy has to go find some bad people and put them in jail.
 * Cat: What bad people?
 * State regulator: Somebody has been making illegal Blue Dog Soda and selling it.
 * Sam: No, those "jerks."
 * Cat: Yeah, "jerks."
 * State regulator: We don't know who it is, yet, but some genius copied the formula.
 * Cat (to Sam): Genius.
 * State regulator: We're gonna find 'em, we're gonna bust 'em, and we're gonna shut 'em down.
 * Sam: Okay.
 * Cat: You do that.
 * Mitch: How come?
 * State regulator: 'Cause sugar is bad.
 * Sam: Okay, so, you, uh, gonna shut down the people who make grape juice? 'Cause grape juice has a lot more sugar in it than soda has.
 * State regulator: Uh, n-no it doesn't.
 * Sam: Yeah, it does.
 * Cat: Grape juice has lots more sugar than soda.
 * Sam: So, you gonna ban grape juice?
 * State regulator: L-look, I am not interested in facts! So, anyway, I'll be back to pick up the kid later.
 * Mitch: I love you, Daddy.
 * State regulator: Don't embarrass me.

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 * State regulator: You Blue Dog Soda punks are in serious trouble!
 * Sam: Why?
 * State regulator: Why?!
 * Sam: What's your problem?
 * Cat: Yeah, what's wrong with making a tasty soda that everybody loves?
 * Dice: Which we wouldn't have had to do if you hadn't banned Blue Dog Soda in the first place!
 * Goomer: Has anybody seen the butt-scratcher?
 * Cat: What's your problem with Blue Dog?
 * State regulator: My problem is that some people drink too much of it and that's not healthy.
 * Sam: So? Some people eat too many sandwiches; you gonna ban sandwiches?
 * Cat: Oh, and roller coasters! What if a kid decided to ride roller coasters all day long everyday? He'd flunk out of school!
 * Dice: You gonna ban roller coasters?
 * Sam: And what about sleeping? I mean, if a person sleeps way too long, they're gonna wake up in a pile of their own poop.
 * Cat: You gonna ban sleeping?
 * Goomer: And pooping?
 * Dice: And what about hugs?
 * Sam: Right!
 * Dice: If you hug someone real tight for too long, you could kill 'em.
 * Goomer: That is true.
 * Sam: So, maybe you should ban hugging.
 * Dice: Why don't you just ban everything?
 * Cat: Yeah! Because too much of anything could be bad for you, but it's not fair to punish everybody.
 * Sam: Just 'cause some people can't control themselves.
 * Goomer: Don't you think people oughta be free to choose?
 * Cat: This is America.
 * Dice: The 7th-smartest country in the world.
 * Sam: And we don't need people like you telling everybody what we can and can't do.
 * [the audience cheers. The State Regulator sits down, crying]
 * Mitch: Dad, what's wrong?
 * State regulator: They're right! I'm so stupid!

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 * Sam: To Blue Dog!
 * Cat: And to freedom! [the quartet celebrates their victory with bottles of Blue Dog Soda]

#BlooperEpisode [1.27]

 * People: Ariana, will you take our picture?
 * Ariana Grande (Cat): Uh… sure. Wait, you don't want me in the picture, right?
 * People: No. Oh, no. We want a picture with Jennette.
 * Jennette McCurdy (Sam): Oh, yeah. L.O.L.

#FresnoGirl [1.28]

 * Sam: Did you get a B?
 * Kim: [sadly] No. [happily] I got an A!
 * Cat: We trickered you into thinking she failed!

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 * Sam: Ah, so I guess you want money now.
 * Matyoo: [laughs] Yes. [picks up Pear Pad] Your total with tax comes to $156.20
 * Cat: What?!
 * [Sam coughs]
 * Matyoo: Is there an issue?
 * Cat: $150!?
 * Sam: For a doll?!
 * Matyoo: For a Fresno Girl doll.
 * Sam: My mom's had butt surgery that didn't cost that much!
 * Kim: You guys, if it's too much money, you don't have to buy Gabriella for me. I'm used to being disappointed.

#StuckInABox [1.29]

 * Sam: [walks in the apartment and sees Cat pedaling her bike which is hanging from the ceiling] Whoa! Not the weirdest thing I've ever walked in on here.

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 * Goomer: [riding Cat's bike that's hanging from the ceiling] Look at me! I'm going nowhere!
 * Sam: Yeah, that pretty much sums up your life.

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 * Sam: (to Dice) Dice, go clean up our kitchen.
 * Dice: No!
 * Sam: Then why are you here?

#SuperPsycho [1.30]

 * Cat: Hey! Who wants to try my hot crapple pie?
 * Sam: Let's answer together.
 * Dice: Let's sing the answer.
 * Dice and Sam: [sings] Nobody.

#DroneBabyDrone [1.31]

 * Nona: Flying robits?!
 * Sam: Robits?
 * Cat: That's what she calls robots.
 * Sam: Why would she call robots robits?
 * Dice: 'Cause she's old.
 * Nona: [sprays Dice with a hose. She smiles] I may be old, but who's wet?

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 * Cat: Do you guys hear that?
 * Sam: The drone!
 * [Everyone runs to the door]
 * Cat: I don't see it!
 * Sam: Me, neither.
 * Dice: Maybe it's coming from the other way.
 * [Everyone runs to the other door]
 * Cat: Oh, I see it!
 * Sam: That's the moon!
 * Cat: Dang it!
 * Nona: Over there!
 * Sam: There it is!
 * Cat: OMG! Hi, drone
 * Dice: It's so cool
 * Sam: Man, it's coming pretty fast.
 * Cat: Real fast.
 * Nona: Where is it gonna land?
 * [Drone smashes through window]
 * Cat: It's here!
 * Sam: Beef stick.
 * Cat: Enormous man's underpants.
 * Drone: Thank you for shopping at Zappathon.com.
 * Dice: How great is technology?

#FirstClassProblems [1.32]

 * Sam: Okay, here's your water.
 * Kelly: What's this?
 * Sam: Oh, it's from France. It's called "Aqua Toilette."
 * Philip: France. Merci.
 * Cat: "Toilette." That kinda sounds like toilet. [Sam whispers in Cat's ear]
 * Cat: Oh, God.

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 * Cat: Hot rags!
 * ID Checker: Shut Up!

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 * Security Woman: Bags on the belt. Shoes off.
 * Cat: Excuse me! I'm assuming those in First Class don't have to take off their shoes.
 * Security Woman: Yes, you do.
 * Cat: But the floor looks really dirty and sticky.
 * Sam: I got this.
 * [Sam lifts Cat onto conveyor belt and takes off Cat's shoes]

#KnockOut [1.33]

 * Cat: (about Rita Rooney) But-but that's a girl.
 * Goomer: Yeah, the meanest girl in the world. She's cruel.
 * Dice: Wait, you're saying that the person picking on you is a girl?
 * Sam: [pushes him] Shut up.
 * Dice: Ow.

#WeStealARockStar [1.34]

 * Sam: Hey, you! [approaches Brody] Uh, can I borrow your spear gun?
 * Brody: I don't know. Are you a fellow spear fisherman?
 * Sam: [imitates Brody] No, no! I am a spear fisherwoman!

#GettinWiggy [1.35]

 * [last lines of the series'YOU'RE THE BEST ROOMMATE EVER DON'T LEAVE PLZ]
 * [in Nona's apartment]
 * Sam: Hey, Nona. What goes…? Hey, what are you doing?
 * Nona: Well, I'm getting ready to go back to Elderly Acres.
 * Sam: What? No! What? No. You can't leave! Well, come on! What's for dinner? I mean, let's go, right? Mac and cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese, huh?
 * Nona: I got a phone call. I can go back now. The funk mites are gone.
 * Sam: Well, that's great, but—
 * Nona: And Cat's coming home tonight, and she's going to need her bed back.
 * Sam: But… but I don't want you to leave!
 * Nona: Oh, honey. You'll be all right.
 * Sam: [sobs] No, I won't!
 * Nona: Sam. [Pearphone rings] I think that's your phone ringing.
 * Sam: [answers Pearphone] Who is it?
 * Dice: Sam?
 * Sam: What do you want?
 * Dice: I got good news and bad news.
 * Sam: What?
 * Dice: Well, the good news is I got the cover of the magazine.
 * Sam: Wow. Yeah, great. What's the bad news?
 * Dice: One of the other boys is being taken to a scalp hospital.
 * Sam: That's it?
 * Dice: No, Cat's being arrested.
 * [The police puts handcuffs on Cat]
 * Cat: I mean, it really looks like a wig.
 * Sam: Wait, Cat was really arrested?
 * Dice: Yes. You got to get Nona to come to Arizona and bail her out, or else Cat's going to be in jail for 2 weeks.
 * Sam: Really? Okay, I'll try to tell Nona if I can. Bye.
 * Dice: Bye.
 * Nona: Who was that?
 * Sam: Oh, that was Dice and Cat.
 * Nona: Oh, are they coming back here?
 * Sam: Um, no.
 * Nona: What's going on?
 * Sam: [lying] They decide to stay in Phoenix for 2 more weeks, so Cat says you should stay here and take care of me until she gets back.
 * Nona: Really?
 * Sam: I promise.
 * Nona: Well, I guess I better start dinner then. [laughs]
 * Sam: Yep. Yes, you should. [starts lying on the couch]

Cast

 * Jennette McCurdy as Sam Puckett
 * Ariana Grande as Cat Valentine
 * Cameron Ocasio as Dice
 * Maree Cheatham as Nona
 * Zoran Korach as Goomer