Saturday Night Live

 Saturday Night Live (SNL) is a weekly late night 90-minute (including commercials) American comedy-variety show based in New York City which has been broadcast by NBC on Saturday nights since October 11, 1975. It is one of the longest-running network programs in American television history. Each week, the show's cast is joined by a guest host and a musical guest who usually performs a song prior to its album's release.

Opening

 * Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!
 * Final line of every cold open skit

George Carlin/Janis Ian & Billy Preston [1.01]

 * English teacher: I would like to feed your fingertips.
 * Foreigner: I vould like to feed your fingerteeps.
 * English teacher: To the wolverines.
 * Foreigner: To the volver-eenes.


 * George Carlin: Thank you! Talk about a live show! It's nice to see you, welcome, and thanks for joining us- live! Um... I'm kinda glad that we're on at night, so that we're not competing with all the football and baseball. So many, man... and this is the time of year when there's both, you know? Football's kinda nice, they changed it a little bit- they moved the hash marks in. Guys found it and smoked them, anyway! But you know, football wants to be the number-one sport, the national pastime. And I think it already is, really, because football represents something we are- we are Europe Junior. When you get right down to it, we're Europe Junior. We play a Europe game. What was the Europe game? (high voice) "Let's take their land away from them! You'll be the pink, on up; we'll be blue, the red and the green!" Ground acquisition. And that's what football is, football's a ground acquisition game. You knock the crap out of eleven guys and take their land away from them. Of course, we only do it ten yards at a time. That's the way we did it with the Indians- we won it little by little. First down in Ohio, Midwest to go!


 * George Carlin: The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me. What is a Jumbo Shrimp? I mean, it's like Military Intelligence- the words don't go together, man.


 * George Carlin: Did you ever dial the phone and forget who you're calling? Don't you feel dumb? You don't know whether to hang on and hope you remember the voice or not.. Then when you remember who it was, you have to call back, so you change your voice so they don't think you're a moron.


 * Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight: dedication ceremonies for the new Teamsters Union Headquarters building took place today in Detroit, where Union President Fitzsimmons was reported to have said that former President Jimmy Hoffa will always be a cornerstone in the organization.


 * Chevy Chase: (President) Ford was on the campaign trail, announcing in Detroit that he had written his own campaign slogan. The slogan: "If He's So Dumb, How Come He's President?"

Paul Simon/Art Garfunkel, Randy Newman, Phoebe Snow, Jesse Dixon Singers [1.02]

 * Chevy Chase: Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase, here to keep you up on what’s going down! President Ford’s regular weekly accident took place this week in Hartford, Connecticut, where Ford’s Lincoln was hit by a Buick. Alert Secret Service Agents seized the Buick and wrestled it to the ground. The president was unhurt except for putting his thumb in his eye. Alert Secret Service Agents seized the thumb and wrestled it to the ground.


 * Paul Simon: [to Marv Albert before his match with Connie Hawkins] I've gotta stay with my strengths, basically... singing and songwriting.

Candice Bergen/Esther Phillips [1.04]

 * President Ford: My fellow Americans... ladies and gentlemen.. members of the press... and my immediate family. First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. Thank you all for being here, and I am truly honored to be asked by you to open the "Saturday Night" show with Harvey Cosell.


 * Chevy Chase: Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase and you're not.


 * (Door knock)
 * Gilda: Who is it?
 * Voice: Mrs. Bragalaaaa....?
 * Gilda: Who is it??
 * Voice: ...Plumber.
 * Gilda: Plumber? I didn't ask for a plumber. Who is it?
 * Voice: ...Telegram.
 * Gilda: Oh. Telegram. Just a moment...
 * (Gilda opens the door. A shark swoops in and bites her.)

Robert Klein/ABBA, Loudon Wainwright III [1.05]

 * Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris. Our top story tonight...
 * Garrett Morris: OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!!!
 * Chevy Chase: President Ford flew to Paris for a summit conference, and boy, are his arms tired!
 * Garrett Morris: PRESIDENT FORD FLEW TO PARIS FOR A SUMMIT CONFERENCE, AND BOY, ARE HIS ARMS TIRED!!!
 * Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
 * Garrett Morris: GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TO-MOR-ROW!


 * Chevy Chase: Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has been cited for contempt of Congress! Kissinger commented, “So what? Congress has at least as much contempt for me as I do for him. Besides, Nixon lied, didn’t he? And he gets to sunbathe while I get terminal jet lag.”


 * Chevy Chase: A new book has been published and released, and it’s entitled, “Friends of Richard Nixon.” A short work, it is only one page longer than the work, “Famous Antarctic Television Personalities of the Eighteenth Century.” Of his former boss, President Ford said, “Well, I spent most of the week reading it, finding it challenging in its scope.”


 * Chevy Chase: The United States... hold it... The United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution equating Zionism with racism. Black entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr., a convert to Judaism, was quoted as saying: “What a breakthrough! Now, finally, I can hate myself!”

Lily Tomlin/Howard Shore and His All Nurse Band [1.06]

 * Chevy Chase: The FCC announced today that for every Ford commercial run on television, a minute of an old Ronald Reagan film must be shown. As a result of this action, a spokesman for George Wallace responded by demanding equal time by showing one minute of "Ironsides."


 * Chevy Chase: Later, Mr. Ford pierced his left hand with a salad fork at a luncheon celebrating Tuna Salad Day at the White House. Alert Secret Service agents seized the fork and wrestled it to the ground.


 * Chevy Chase: Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not. The top story tonight: The Senate Intelligence Committee has revealed that the CIA has been involved in no less than nine assassination plots against various foreign leaders. Commented President Ford upon reading the report, quote, "Boy, I'm sure glad I'm not foreign."


 * Lily Tomlin: Being a New Yorker means never having to say you're sorry.

Richard Pryor/Gil-Scott Heron [1.07]

 * Richard Pryor: How you doin'? Thank you very much for coming here to New York. Uh, hope I'm funny. I'd like to dedicate this to, uh, show to Miles Davis, my friend. He's in the hospital, sick. But he's cool. Miles always gets women, though, 'cause he talks so cool. You know, Miles go: [scratchy whisper] "What's happenin'?" I get women, too. I can't keep 'em but I get 'em. Women always leave me, man! I don't mind 'em leavin' but they tell you why. You know what I mean? Just leave! Don't tell me why! 'Cause there ain't nothin' you can do but stand there and look silly, right? You be... [imitates a man standing there and looking silly: points to himself in surprise, shrugs helplessly, rolls his eyes, shakes his head in disbelief] And the madder you get, women get cool when you get mad. [as an angry man] "WELL, GO ON AND GET OUT THEN!" [as a cool, calm woman] "I'm leaving." [as the man] "I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" [as the woman] "Don't worry, you shan't."


 * Richard Pryor: Drive you to drink, jack, you know? I tried drinkin' for a while but I used to go into bars and check out the people that were drinkin' and they weren't happy. And they get beat up a lot. No -- drunks, they start out cool. Brother be cool at first and he goin': "Give me a Scotch and soda, please." Real cool. 'Bout a hour later: "WHAT?! WHAT YOU MEAN I'M DRUNK?! HUH? I wasn't drunk when I came in here! And I ain't gonna leave till I'm sober. Now, you can dig that, baby.


 * [During a word association exercise as part of a job interview]
 * Interviewer: Dog.
 * Mr. Wilson: Tree.
 * Interviewer: Fast.
 * Mr. Wilson: Slow.
 * Interviewer: Rain.
 * Mr. Wilson: Snow.
 * Interviewer: White.
 * Mr. Wilson: ...Black.
 * Interviewer: Bean.
 * Mr. Wilson: Pod.
 * Interviewer: Negro.
 * Mr. Wilson: Whitey.
 * Interviewer: Tarbaby.
 * Mr. Wilson: [pause] What'd you say?
 * Interviewer: Tarbaby.
 * Mr. Wilson: Ofay.
 * Interviewer: Colored.
 * Mr. Wilson: Redneck.
 * Interviewer: Jungle bunny.
 * Mr. Wilson: Peckerwood!
 * Interviewer: Burrhead!
 * Mr. Wilson: Cracker!
 * Interviewer: Spearchucker!
 * Mr. Wilson: White trash!
 * Interviewer: Jungle Bunny!
 * Mr. Wilson: Honky!
 * Interviewer: Spade!
 * Mr. Wilson: Honky honky!
 * Interviewer: Nigger!
 * Mr. Wilson: DEAD honky!

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 * Interviewer: Okay, Mr. Wilson, I think you're qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?
 * Mr. Wilson: Your momma!
 * Interviewer: Uh.. $7,500 a year?
 * Mr. Wilson: Your grandmomma!
 * Interviewer: $15,000, Mr. Wilson. You'll be the highest paid janitor in America. Just, don't... don't hurt me, please...
 * Mr. Wilson: Okay.
 * Interviewer: Okay.
 * Mr. Wilson: You want me to start now?
 * Interviewer: Oh, no, no... that's alright. I'll clean all this up. Take a couple of weeks off, you look tired.

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 * Chevy Chase: UNICEF fell under attack this week when Syria formally protested the charitable organization's new Christmas card, which says, in ten different languages, "Let's kill the Arabs and take their oil!"

Candice Bergen/The Stylistics, Martha Reeves [1.08]

 * Don Pardo: [voiceover] This is Don Pardo saying, oh oh oh! Whoops! I'm reading upside down!

Elliott Gould/Anne Murray [1.09]

 * Mrs. Henderson: [calling upstairs] Honey?! Did you send for interior demolitionists?!
 * [Interior Demolitionist 1 picked up a vase and shatters it with a hammer]
 * Mr. Henderson: [from upstairs] I can't hear you what you're saying, honey - I'm in the shower!
 * Mrs. Henderson: [calling upstairs] Do you send for interior demolitionists?!!
 * Mr. Henderson: [from upstairs] What?!
 * Mrs. Henderson: [to Interior Demolitionist 1] Do you want - you want some coffee?
 * Interior Demolitionist 1: Oh yeah! Great!
 * Interior Demolitionist 2: No coffee for me, thank you.

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 * Vito Corleone: The ASPCA is out to get me because of this horse thing.

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 * Vito Corleone: Alright. The Tattaglia Family is moving in on my territory. They've taken over numbers, prostitution, and restaurant linen supply, and now they want to bring in drugs. Also, they just shot my son, Santino, fifty-six times.
 * Therapist: Ah! Now we are getting somewhere. What do you think about this?
 * Vito Corleone: Drugs, I am against.

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 * Chevy Chase: Well, as the primaries approach, more and more varied candidates are joining the fight for the Democratic ticket. The latest entry is Senator Robert Byrd. Byrd was once a member of the Ku Klux Klan, but says now that he deeply regrets that association. Byrd has been quoted as saying: "I don't judge a man by the color of his skin; I judge him according to the size of his nostrils."

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 * Chevy Chase: Meanwhile, Sargent Shriver, stressing his close association with the Kennedy clan and his affinity for the Trumans' straightforwardness, has written his campaign slogan: "The Duck Stops Here." Asked if this plans would affect a Kennedy draft, Shriver commented: "I do not believe this year that Teddy Kennedy will throw his hat into the water."

Buck Henry/Bill Withers, Toni Basil [1.10]

 * Ron Nessen: Mr. President, you're signing your hand.
 * Gerald Ford: Come on in and sit down, Ron.
 * [Nessen gets up from his chair, walks out the door, shuts it, reopens it, walks back in and sits in the same chair]
 * Gerald Ford: Now what's this about a press conference, Ron?
 * Ron Nessen: You called it, Mr. President.
 * Gerald Ford: Called it what?
 * Ron Nessen: No, you called the press conference, Sir.
 * Gerald Ford: I see. [Looks over at Liberty] Heel, Liberty. [Looking back at Nessen] Sit down and make yourself comfortable, Ron.
 * Ron Nessen: I am sitting, Mr. President.
 * Gerald Ford: Ah! Then you must be comfortable.
 * Ron Nessen: Yes, Sir. Thank you.
 * Gerald Ford: I'm pretty comfortable myself.
 * Ron Nessen: That's good.
 * Gerald Ford: [Looks around the Oval Office] I just don't see what's so awful about this room, personally.
 * Ron Nessen: No, Sir, Oval. It's the Oval Office, sir.
 * Gerald Ford: Ah!
 * Ron Nessen: Not awful, Oval, round.

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 * Chevy Chase: Another note on the Super Bowl: President Ford expressed regret that he won't join Mr. Kissinger in Miami tomorrow, saying he's flying to Boston for the first game of the World Series.

Peter Cook & Dudley Moore/Neil Sedaka [1.11]

 * Chevy Chase: This week, the FDA banned Red Dye #2, saying the red coloring agent was suspected of having cancer-causing qualities. Coincidentally, it was reported this week that Ronald Reagan has revealed that he underwent treatment for cancer of the hair.

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 * Chevy Chase: President Gerald Ford has released a list of eight potential running mates for the 1976 election. Among them listed are Elliot Richardson, Charles Percy, Howard Major, and Sen. Edward Brooke of Massachusetts. White House sources said that Brooke, a black man, will not actually be a choice for a running mate, but that "The President will put his name as a token of his appreciation.

Dick Cavett/Jimmy Cliff [1.12]

 * Chevy Chase: Well, the popular TV personality known as Professor Backwards was slain in Atlanta yesterday by three masked gunmen. According to reports, neighbors ignored the Professor's cries of 'Pleh, pleh!'

Peter Boyle/Al Jarreau [1.13]

 * [shortly after Emily Litella is about to finish her editorial replay against 'canker' research]
 * Chevy Chase: Uh, Emily?
 * Emily Litella: What?
 * Chevy Chase: I'm sorry, it's an editorial about cancer research, not canker sores.
 * Emily Litella: Ohhh! I never thought of that! Never mind!

Anthony Perkins/Betty Carter [1.16]

 * Domintrix: RING AROUND THE COLLAR!

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 * Norman Bates: Hi, I'm Norman Bates for the Norman Bates School of Motel Management, here to explain how to be your own boss in this rapidly-expanding field. Best of all, you learn at home, right in the privacy of your own shower. I'll show you how to run anything from a tourist home to a multi-unit motel inn.

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 * Norman Bates: Yes, a diploma in motel management can be your passport to prosperity, independence, and security, but are you motel material? Let's find out with a simple quiz. Question 1: A guest loses the key to her room. Would you (A) Give her a duplicate key, (B) Let her in with your passkey, or (C) Hack her to death with a kitchen knife. Question 2: Which of the following is the most important in running a successful motel? Is it (A) Cordial atmosphere, (B) Courteous service, or (C) Hack her to death with a kitchen knife.

Ron Nessen/Patti Smith [1.17]

 * Chevy Chase: Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not!
 * [cut to film segment of real-life President Ford]
 * Gerald Ford: I'm Gerald Ford, and you're not.

Raquel Welch/Phoebe Snow, John Sebastian [1.18]

 * [Jean-Paul got shot and fell into the snow]
 * Tom Tryman: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! It looks to me like he's been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet!
 * [Jean-Paul regains balance on his skis]
 * Jessica Antlerdance: Just grazed, I think, Tom..
 * [Jean-Paul got shot again and fell back into the snow]
 * Jessica Antlerdance: Oh, no! That one got him, he's down! No, he's down this time...no, no! No, he's getting up!
 * [Jean-Paul continues to ski downhill, albeit a little awkwardly]
 * Jessica Antlerdance: Always the mark of a fine athlete is the ability to recover in difficult situations.
 * Tom Tryman: I can't believe he's going for the finish line... and -
 * [Jean-Paul got shot for the last time and fell down to the snow for good]
 * Tom Tryman: Oh, no! Again... again he's been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet, and, this time, I think he's down to stay, Jessica.

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 * [SNL Producer Lorne Michaels offering The Beatles a certified check to reunite on the show]
 * Lorne Michaels: The National Broadcasting Company has authorized me to offer you this check to be on our show. A certified check for $3,000. Here it is right here. A check made out to you, the Beatles, for $3,000. All you have to do is sing three Beatles songs. "She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah." That's $1,000 right there. You know the words. It'll be easy. Like I said, this is made out to the Beatles. You divide it up any way you want. If you want to give less to Ringo, that's up to you.

Madeline Kahn/Carly Simon [1.19]

 * Richard Nixon: [after watching Henry Kissinger leave the Oval Office] Jewboy! Jewboy! Jewboy!

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 * Chevy Chase: Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to out editorials. Here with an editorial reply is Miss Emily Litella.
 * Emily Litella: What's all this fuss I keep hearing about violins on television?

Dyan Cannon/Leon & Mary Russell [1.20]

 * Chevy Chase: Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and, that's the news, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. Just kidding! And you're not.

Buck Henry/Gordon Lightfoot [1.21]

 * [Dell Stator's Toad Ranch jingle]
 * When you're at home or on the road
 * And you've got to stop to crave that toad
 * Dell Stator's, Dell Stator's
 * Dell Stator's Family Toad Ranch!

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 * [SNL Producer Lorne Michaels begging The Beatles to reunite on the show, increasing the offer that he previously made during episode 1.18]
 * Lorne Michaels: I was able to convince NBC to sweeten the pot. John, Paul, George, and Ringo: we are now prepared to up the original offer to $3,200.
 * [Holds up a certified check payable to The Beatles]
 * Lorne Michaels: As you can see, it's a check for $3,200 made out to you, The Beatles. Off the record, this increase comes to an extra $50 for each of you. That's if you split it equally. I'm still not sure what your situation with Ringo is. Furthermore, NBC will also take care of your hotel accommodation. Don Pardo, tell the Beatles what they can expect when they come to get that check for $3,200.
 * Don Pardo: It'll be my pleasure, Lorne. First of all, the lads from Liverpool will be picked up by a radio-dispatched Checker cab that will whisk them to Cross Town Motor Inn, located in the heart of New York's fashionable garment district. Once there, they will check in in the recently renovated lobby. And then it's off to their rooms via round-the-clock elevator service, where they'll be treated like royalty as pitchers of ice water are hand-delivered to their rooms, and they can drink that water from glasses sanitized for their convenience. Oops! Ringo spilled a little something on his jacket? No problem: not with prompt 48-hour dry cleaning service. "In by Tuesday, out by Thursday!" And let's just put a shine on those shoes too, with a free shoe shine cloth. And, Lorne, since The Beatles will be staying in separate rooms, the four Mop Tops can still speak to each other as much as they want to because there is no charge for room-to-room calls. And, after "a hard day's night", The Beatles can sleep as late as they like with leisurely checkout time of 10 a.m. That's the Cross Town Motor Inn, a hotel tradition, hosting New York's visitors since 1971. "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Back to you, Lorne.

Elliott Gould/Leon Redbone, Harland Collins & Joyce Everson [1.22]

 * Captain Kirk: [voiceover] Captain's Log, final entry. We have tried to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. And except one television network, we have found intelligent life everywhere in the galaxy. Live and long prosper. Captain James T. Kirk, SC 937-0176 CEC.

Kris Kristofferson/Rita Coolidge [1.24]

 * Chevy Chase: The Smothers Brothers announced this week that they are splitting up. Dick Smothers says he want to spend more time with his family; Tommy will continue his career as soon as he breaks in a new brother.

Lily Tomlin/James Taylor [2.01]

 * President Ford: It was my understanding that there would be no math during the debates.


 * Chevy Chase: Good evening, I'm God! Let's take a look at tonight's top stories, shall we?


 * Chevy Chase: Ugandan dictator Idi Amin has decided to go under species change surgery. If the surgery was successful, he will take a career on American television. However, if the surgery is unsuccessful, he will eat American television.

Karen Black/John Prine [2.04]

 * Chevy Chase: (on the phone) Don't worry. I'll do Jiminy Cricket.
 * (makes a Jiminy Cricket face, then sings)


 * When you wish upon a star,
 * your..
 * (realized he's on the air and hangs up)
 * Chevy Chase: Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and I don't like you.


 * Catherine the Great: Oh well, I guess I am queen. And a queen is a queen. But I am also a woman. And a woman is a woman.
 * Snowball: And a horse is a horse.
 * Catherine the Great: Of course, of course.

Steve Martin/Kinky Friedman [2.05]

 * Chevy Chase: Well, on the warmmer, happier side of life, far from the stories which seem sad or tragic, baby gorilla Boom-Boom was flown by Concorde from Paris to Washington last Thursday, to join the Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey's Zoo & Circus. Boom-Boom enchanted passengers and stewardesses during the three-and-a-half hour flight by dancing in the aisles, making cute noises, and breaking into the cockpit and ripping apart the face of the captain, mutiliating the navigator, and crash-landing the jet in Greenland. One humorous note: There are no survivors.

Buck Henry/The Band [2.06]

 * Chevy Chase: Well, the results of the election are in. Gerald Ford: 0. Jimmy Carter: 0. More on this as it develops.

Dick Cavett/Ry Cooder [2.07]

 * Jane Curtin: Actress Sally Field is making a comeback, in a 4-hour drama, Sybil, to be televised tomorrow night on NBC. Adapted from the book, "Sybil" is a story of a woman who took refuge in sixteen different personalities. Sally welcomes the challenge of this role, and feels confident to pull it off. As she recently told the reporter: "Thank you, it's nice to be here." "Should I check your oil, ma'am?" "And now it's time to play, Double Jeopardy!" "We'll call this baby... Jesus." "Je m'appel Henri!" "Franklin, stop playing with that and come to bed!" "Good Yante, Rabbi." "I do." "Who is this masked man?" "I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not!" "Come on, Sandy, we gotta find Daddy Warbucks!" "$20 for me, $10 for the hotel." "Every boy wants a Hasbro toy!" "Hey, Abbotttt!" "I am not a crook!" Lassie, it's me Timmy!" "And as god as my witness, I'll never be hungry again."

Sissy Spacek/Richard Baskin [2.15]

 * Peter: [on the phone] Hello? Hello?
 * Jimmy Carter: Yes. Hello, Peter?
 * Peter: [on the phone] Is this the President?
 * Jimmy Carter: Yes, it is.
 * Walter Cronkite: Do you have a question for the President?
 * Peter: [on the phone] Uh.. I uh.. I took some acid.. I'm afraid to leave my apartment, and I can't wear any clothes.. and the ceiling is dripping, and uh..
 * Walter Cronkite: Well, thanks you very much for calling, sir..
 * Jimmy Carter: Just a minute, Walter, this guy's in trouble. I think I better try to talk him down. Peter?
 * Peter: [on the phone] Yeah..?
 * Jimmy Carter: Peter, what did the acid look like?
 * Peter: [on the phone] They were these little orange pills.
 * Jimmy Carter: Were they barrel shaped?
 * Peter: [on the phone] Uh.. yes.
 * Jimmy Carter: Okay, right, you did some orange sunshine, Peter.
 * Peter: [on the phone] Very good of you to know that, sir.
 * Jimmy Carter: How long ago did you take it, Peter.
 * Peter: [on the phone] Uh.. I don't know. I can't read my watch.
 * Jimmy Carter: Alright, Peter, just listen. Everything is going to be fine. You're very high right now. You will probably be that way for five more hours. Try taking some Vitamin B complex, Vitamin C complex.. if you have beer, go ahead and drink it.
 * Peter: [on the phone] Okay..
 * Jimmy Carter: Just remember you're a living organism on this planet, and you're very safe. You've just taken a heavy drug. Relax, stay inside, and listen to some music. Do you have any Allman Brothers?
 * Peter: [on the phone] Yes, I do, sir. Everything is okay, huh Jimmy?
 * Jimmy Carter: It sure is, Peter. You know, I'm against drug use myself, but I'm not going to lay that on you right now. Just mellow out the best you can, okay?
 * Peter: [on the phone] Okay.
 * Jimmy Carter: Okay!

Jack Burns/Santana [2.17]

 * Jane Curtin: According to a book published this week, that not only George Washington has wooden teeth, but America's first president also had a wooden eye, a wooden leg, four wooden toes, a wooden wrist, a wooden spleen, and a wooden prostate gland. In fact, he was the rowboat that crossed Delaware. Don't you love history?


 * Gags Beasley: Remember this: There is a thin line between comedy and humor.

Shelley Duvall/Joan Armatrading [2.21]

 * Jane Curtin: Well, Watergate cover-up co-conspirators John Mitchell, John E. Erlichman, and Cubby Haldeman have been signed on as Mouseketeers on the Mickey Mouse Club TV series. When asked to comment on this unusual move, the three defendants quote in unison, "Why, because we like you!"


 * Emily Litella: [her phone messenge] Hello, this is Emily Litella. I'm not home right now. But I will call you back as soon as possible. Just leave your name, number, and what time you called, after you hear the sound of the jeep. [beep]

Buck Henry/Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance [2.22]

 * Jane Curtin: Today was the 102nd running of the Preakness, and our Update sports team was there, where we not only covered the race but also attached a microphone to the jockey of the race's winner, Seattle Slew.
 * [cut to stock footage of the race]
 * Jockey: [voiceover] Ouch..! Ouch..! Ow..! Oh, boy..! Hey.. hey.. aiiee..! Ow-ay.. ow..! Ow.. ow.!
 * Horse: [voiceover] It's okay, we'll be alright!
 * Jockey: [voiceover] Okay. Oh..! Ow..! Ow..!
 * Horse: [voiceover] We're okay!
 * Jockey: [voiceover] I know, my- ow!
 * Horse: [voiceover] Ohhh, I told you, Wilbur!
 * Jockey: [voiceover] Ow, I wish I was wearing my jockey shorts-- aiieee! Ow..!
 * Horse: [voiceover] Oh boy, Wilbur! Oh..! Good boy!
 * [cut back to Jane Curtin at the news deck]
 * Jane Curtin: A footnote to the race: the other favorite, Run Dusty Run, not noted for being a good loser, threw a tantrum and had to be dragged away kicking and screaming.

Steve Martin/Jackson Browne [3.01]

 * Yortuk Festrunk: [Czech accent] We are... two wild and crazy guys!


 * Dan Aykroyd: During the Lance Hearings, Sen. Charles Percy has been inaccurately accused of tax fraud and embezzlement. Percy later apologized, saying that anyone can make a mistake. Well this story has JUST come in: In 1946, while in the navy, Percy has sex with a polar bear.
 * Jane Curtin: Uh, wait a minute, Dan. We just had a report that that story is inaccurate. But we do have this, uh, from one of our sources: In 1972, Percy personally ordered the assassination of baseball player Roberto Clemente.
 * Dan Aykroyd: Uh, this bulletin is JUST coming in, Jane: That last story is, in fact, inaccurate, but we DO have information that in 1957, Percy ordered the assassination of a polar bear while having SEX with Roberto Clemente. More on that story, uh, when we get some of the facts. [looks offscreen] Will someone check that out?

Ray Charles [3.05]

 * [Beginning of Weekend Update]
 * Don Pardo: [voiceover] And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!
 * Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd: [shocked] What?!
 * Don Pardo: [voiceover] [apologetic] Sorry, old script.

Buck Henry/Leon Redbone [3.06]

 * John Belushi: [as he holds a lit cigarette] I logged a lot of miles training for that day and I downed a lot of donuts, Little Chocolate Donuts, they taste good, and they've got the sugar I need to get me going in the morning. That's why Little Chocolate Donuts have been on my training table since I was a kid.

Chevy Chase/Billy Joel [3.11]

 * [fake NBC title card of "The Little House on The Praire Burns To The Ground"]
 * Don Pardo: [voiceover] The Little House on The Praire Burns To The Ground will not be seen tonight, so that NBC will air the following special program.


 * [On Weekend Update, while Emily Litella is telling Chevy Chase that she missed him, Jane Curtin is not happy]
 * Jane Curtin: [angrily] Emily?! What are you doing here?! SCRAM!
 * Emily Litella: Oh, go to hell, Miss Clayton.

Michael Palin/Eugene Record [3.16]

 * Todd: Mr. Brighton? Did I sent you the letter?
 * Mr. Brighton: I don't know.
 * Todd: Because I forgot to stamp it!
 * [Todd crushed Mr. Brighton's toes with his foot]
 * Lisa Loopner: Your fly's open, Mr. Brighton.
 * Mr. Brighton: [fuming] YES, I KNOW!
 * [Mr. Brighton left the Loopner household abruptly]

Steve Martin/The Blues Brothers [3.18]

 * Dan Aykroyd: This just in, Garrett Morris is dead. A group of 8 youths has fatally shot the late Update correspondant at the kids' playground. Another paraquat-related death.
 * Jane Curtin: Hoping your news is good news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Fred Willard/Devo [4.02]

 * Jane Curtin: Our top story tonight: The New York Yankees evened the World Series with two games apiece this afternoon, with a 4-3 victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers. [audience cheers and applauds] Though thrilled about today's victory, millionaire-owner George Steinbrenner, in what he said was a precautionary move to ensure another world championship, purchased the entire Los Angeles Dodgers team, and immediately enstated Billy Martin as the Dodgers' manager for the rest of the series.


 * Bill Murray: Punk rock star, Sid Vicious, was arraigned yesterday in the night of the killing of his girlfriend. Vicious' lawyer said that it may be difficult to get a fair trial for the ex-Sex Pistol, considering his name. So, during the proceedings, Sid will change his name from "Sid Vicious" to "Sidney, Not Such a Bad Guy Once You Get To Know Him."

Steve Martin/Van Morrison [4.04]
Steve Martin:(enters with a clamp on his head) I do not feel well tonight. I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. It was though my heads was in a vice! I though it would go away, but it hasn't. I took some aspirin-it meant nothing. I decided to continue with the show, anyway. Pardon me. What? There's a clamp on my head? Aha! Those Saturday Night people! They didn't even TELL me! I went through makeup and everything and nobody said a WORD!

Carrie Fisher/The Blues Brothers [4.06]

 * Jane Curtin: This past Thursday was the Great American Smoke Out, a day that everyone in America was encouraged to stop smoking cigarettes for a twenty-four hour period. Here to comment further is Update health correspondent, Roseanne Roseannadanna.
 * Rosanne Rosannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey, writes in and says "Dear Rosanne Rosannadanna, Last Thursday, I quit smoking. Now, I'm depressed, I get wet, my face broke out, I'm nauseous, I'm constipated, my feet swell, my gums are bleeding, my sinuses are clogged, I got heartburn, I'm cranky, and I have gas. What should I do?" Mr. Feder you sound like a real attractive guy. You BELONG in New Jersey! But I know exactly what you're goin' through 'cause once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, quit smokin'. And to get back in shape, I had to join one of those fancy-shmancy health clubs. You know, the ones where it's real expensive to join, but it's worth it 'cause you get to see a lot o' people that you don't know naked! Like, some people got those bulgy-bulgy thighs, the ones that get chafed just 'cause they're always scrapin' against each other. And there's other people there that got these funny belly buttons. Like, some go in and some go out or it's like a hole or it curls around or it's like a little knob on it, like a door. Some of them got a little piece of their sweater still in it! Some of 'em look like a little star or a shell or a clam. Or some, you don't what they are! But personally, I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, don't like to walk around with no clothes in front of other people! Not that I don't got a great body. But why should I waste it on a bunch of fat ladies in a health club? Anyway, they got this sauna there, which is a little hot room where you go to sweat like a pig. So I go in there, but before I sit down, I put this clean towel on the bench 'cause there's a lot of people in there and you don't know where they been! So, listen to this. Who do you think is sitting next to me but Dr. Joyce Brothers! That very smart pixie lady who thinks she knows everything. But what this nude psychologist doesn't know is that she had this little teeny tiny ball o' sweat right here, hangin' off the tip of her nose! It was just hangin' there! It wouldn't fall off! Like, if she turned her head, it didn't fall off; if she stood up, it didn't fall off; she scratched, it didn't fall off; and when she picked a little piece of sweater out of her belly button, it didn't fall off! That little sweat ball just wouldn't fall off! So I yelled at her. I said, "Hey! Doctor! Flick that sweat ball off your nose! What are ya tryin' to do? Make me sick?!" She...
 * Jane Curtin: Roseanne!
 * Roseanne Rosannadanna: What? What?
 * Jane Curtin: What do health clubs, sweat, and saunas have to do with cigarettes?
 * Roseanne Rosannadanna: Well, Jane. It just goes to show ya. It's always somethin'. If it's not one thing, it's another! Either you smoke or you have a sweat ball hangin' off your nose! It's just like the song we used to sing on Thanksgiving when I was a little girl. Everybody would come over to my house lookin' all pretty and cute and everything. My mother would make a turkey with stuffing and for dessert we'd have the traditional Banana Rosannadanna cake. Before we ate, we'd bow our heads. Bow your head, Jane. Come on, bow your little head. Come on. Jane, bow your head. Bow your head now. [Jane bows her head] We'd bow our heads and we'd all sing. [singing] We gather together to ask the Lord's blessing Please look down upon the Roseannadanna household Bring peace to our fathers, good health to our mothers And please don't make me sweat like Dr. Joyce Brothers! Amen!

Walter Matthau [4.07]

 * [Richard Nixon showed his family his new political slogan that promotes his reformed personality]
 * Richard Nixon: I got a million slogans. "The New Dick!" It is nice? Short, sweet, and everyone wants to see.
 * Pat Nixon: It's short and sweet, but I don't think everyone will see it.

Ricky Nelson/Judy Collins [4.12]

 * Chico Escuela: Beil Murray is berry, berry, good to me and Hane Curtin is a sarcastic bisch.

Margot Kidder/The Chieftains [4.15]

 * Fred Garvin: Call me... Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute.
 * [Shows title card while 20's music played over it]


 * Bill Murray: So if you're a Rhesus Monkey and you want to donate your body to science, please hop in the box and send yourself to "Rhesus Roundup, San Simian, California."


 * Dan Aykroyd: I'm station manager Dan Aykroyd. During the past few weeks in Los Angeles, actor Lee Marvin and his former live-in companion Michelle Triola Marvin have been in court to settle her claim that he owes her half his income from the six years they lived together. That is a subject of tonight's Point-Counterpoint. Jane will take the pro-Michelle Marvin point, while I will take the anti-Michelle Triola counterpoint.
 * Jane Curtin: Dan, times change and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them. But the lack of a piece of paper does not necessarily mean a lack of total commitment. A woman is this modern-day relationship may well give up all her personal pursuits, as Michelle Marvin claims she did, to give her full support to her man's career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there's an old saying: "Behind every successful man there's a woman." A loving, giving, caring woman. But you wouldn't know about that, Dan, because there's no old saying about what's behind a miserable failure.
 * Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut! Bagged-out, dried-up, slunken meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules. If you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let's shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuting means nothing to you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of the cheap ham radio. But hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, reptatious swamp sow is after actor Lee Marvin's last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle are saying is that when you're on your backs, the meter is running. Well, please spare us, gals, and tell us the rate's at the top. Then we can choose which two bit tarts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.

Milton Berle/Ornett Coleman [4.17]

 * Milton Berle: You folks on the show, hold it please. Let's hear it for Lee Marvin and his witnesses, ladies and gentlemen. Take a bow. Lovely outfit. You always dress this classy? Now, uh... I don't feel much like workin', I got bad news, my wife ran away with my best friend... and I miss him.


 * Milton Berle: [in response to a sudden noise from the band stand] NBC just dropped another show.


 * Bill Murray: In Britain, where political campaigns are often a source of unmistakenly British wit, we have this from Prime Minister James Callaghan. Commenting on the likely defeat of his Labour Party by the Tories in the upcoming British election, Callaghan quipped: "When I congratulate Mrs. Thatcher, I won't know whether to clasp her hand or hand her a clasp!" When asked to explain that joke, Callaghan replied: "By the term 'clasp', I mean, of course, a paper clip, such as much be used to hold together the various important papers and documents which, as Prime Minister, Mrs. Thatcher would very likely be handling." [Bill chuckles] There'll always be an England!


 * Irwin Mainway: Look, Miss Face, is this just another one of your personal attacks?

Maureen Stapleton/Linda Ronstadt & Phoebe Snow [4.19]

 * Jane Curtin: Dan, you self-important swine ass.


 * Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you magnificently ignorant slut.

spooo

Bill Russell/Chicago [5.03]

 * Jane Curtin: Miss Lillian Carter removes her makeup. This and other stories coming up on Weekend Update next.

Howard Hesseman/Randy Newman [5.06]

 * Bill Murray: The British rock group, The Who, Cincinnati's Riverfront Stadium, and a concert promoter were named as co-defendants in a $27 million class-action suit, because of the mishap that occurred earlier this week. The legal proceedings was marred, however, when they broke for lunch, four city councilmen were trampled to death.

Teri Garr/The B-52's [5.09]

 * Jane Curtin: This just in: Paul McCartney was freed, but the crisis continued in Tokyo.


 * Father Guido Sarducci: I had a bunch of Quaaludes in my sock.


 * Father Guido Sarducci: Live from New York and the wonderful empire of Japan, it's Saturday Night.


 * Mr. Potato Head: [sings]
 * I am Mr. Potato Head
 * The pride of Ireland green.


 * Lady Pinth Garnell: Tune in next week on Bad Playhouse, where we present an awful Japanese version of Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. So until then, good night.

Bob Newhart/The Amazing Rhythm Aces, Bruce Cockburn [5.18]

 * Al Franken: The top ten shows for the 1979-1980 television season included some A's, some B's, some C's, and some S's. Did you see any N's? No. Not one N. Why? Because Silverman is a lame-o! And I heard he has a nice limousine service. I like to call it "A Limo for a Lame-o."


 * [after Mr. Bill was caught trying to escape]
 * Mr. Hands: Uh oh, they see you. And the warden (Sluggo) says that you are surrounded. So stand up and reach for the sky.
 * Mr. Bill: [still trapped in rubble] No wait! I'm stuck! So don't shoot, okay?
 * [prison firing squad doesn't believe him and fires under Warden Sluggo's orders]
 * Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! They shot me! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
 * [The firing squad spells the words "THE END" in bullets on Mr. Bill's body]
 * Mr. Hands: Bye bye!

Steve Martin/3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney [5.19]

 * Father Guido Sarducci: (outside Paul McCartney's den) Well, the pence hitting the window didn't work. My serenading didn't even work, but I know THIS is going to work. Rock. (Throws a rock at the window-the lights turn on). That's an old gossip columnist trick. Miss Roland taught me that one. Works every time. He'll be out-I know it. (Paul comes out) Here he comes and this is it if you can believe it!

Buck Henry/Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & The Voices of Unity [5.20]

 * Butler: Lord and Lady Douchebag!


 * Earl of Sandwich: Douchebag, how are you? I haven't seen you at the House of Lords in ages! Don't tell me for the first time in memory we are going to have a House of Parliament without a Douchebag?
 * Lord Douchebag: My dear Sandwich, Parliament has always had its share of Douchebags, and it always will.
 * Lord Salisbury: Spoken like a true Douchebag.


 * [During the goodnights]
 * Buck Henry: Thank you for coming. Good night... and goodbye.

Elliott Gould/Kid Creole & The Coconuts [6.01]

 * Charles Rocket: Meanwhile, actor Cary Grant today, slapped former Weekend Update anchorman Chevy Chase, with a $10 million defamination suit, for allegally calling him a "homosexual" on NBC-TV's "Tomorrow" show. Grant charges that Chase's remarks were completely and totally false, and added, "He's the homo, not me. And one more crack like that and I'll scratch his eyes out, Mary!"

Malcolm McDowell/Captain Beefheart and His Magic Band [6.02]

 * Charles Rocket: {to Cuban couple} Tourists, are you?
 * Cuban Man: {speaks Cuban and translates} It means, "how do you do?"
 * Charles Rocket: Okay, well, sounds like you've got a couple of drinks this afternoon, huh?

Ellen Burstyn/Aretha Franklin, A Pink Cadillac [6.03]

 * [On Weekend Update, during the Saturday Night Sports segment]


 * [He pulls out a boombox] Doc Severson an the Band SNL Saturday NIGHT Live -Where going ridin

on a freeway Of Love Aretha Franklin -well if hers has a rhythem an blues section yes we cant stop that !!! Many a player rode with her an she knew all the players in the band an the Lady That Sang The Blues !

David Carradine/Linda Ronstant, The Cast of Pirates of Penzance [6.05]

 * NBC Executive: There's just one thing. You are a virgin, aren't you?
 * Cheerleader: I sure...[hesitates after realizing she isn't] I- [NBC executive walks away] Wait!

---
 * Nun (after being turned down for a chance at being an SNL cast member because she's not a virgin): Damn you, Father Sarducci!

Ray Sharkey/Jack Bruce and Friends [6.06]

 * Eddie Murphy: How you'd doing? I'm Eddie Murphy. Anybody in the audience ever- (audience cheers enthusiastically) Thank you! Thank you. How many people in the audience have seen black people fight before? (the audience cheers enthusiastically) For those of you who haven't, I'll show you what it's like: (he turns his head and falls into character) "What did you say to me, man? What? Now, wait a second! Now, be cool, man! Me and you gonna talk!" (looks to his side) "Little Dude, did you hear what he said about my momma? The dude said my momma got a wooden leg with a kickstand! Now, my momma ain't got no kickstand on it, man! It's just a regular wooden leg! Don't you exaggeratin' about my momma, man!" (he looks around himself) "He said WHAT?! Your momma got a wooden leg with a KICKSTAND on it?! You crazy man! You should whip his behind, man! Whip it, what, just like that record sing: Whip it! Whip it good! Put your FOOT in his BUTT! Keep it there for a little while!" "Hey, be cool, little dude! I'm gonna say something about his momma! Say, man! (to the little dude) Listen to this here. Say, man! Your momma... got some MOUTH in the back of her NECK! And the bitch chew like this! (He stretches his arms out and swings his head up and down in rhythm) Hear what I say about his momma, little dude?" (laughing as Little Dude) "Momma got a mouth in the back of her neck and chew like!" (imitates motion) "I can't breathe! I can't breathe! Oh! Oh! Whip his butt! Don't be changin' the subject, you gettin' your behind WHIPPED! Believe me!" (does a double take) "Say, man- put that gun away! Whatchoo gonna do with that gun, shoot somebody? Well, then, SHOOT HIM! Go ahead, shoot him! He's messing with you, not me! Shoot him!" "That's right, man! Shoot me, if you gonna shoot somebody!" (He makes a popping noise, then looks down at the little dude) "Nice shot, man!"

Robert Hays/Joe King Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Gold [6.08]

 * Eddie Murphy: Now I know what you're saying, "This kid is young. Will he ever burn out?", I don't think so.

(reveals that he is wearing sunglasses, along with a mirror on his hand)

Charlene Tilton/Todd Rundgren, Prince [6.11]

 * Mr. Robinson: Did your mamma slap you? Then you said it right!


 * Charles Rocket: Listen here Ronnie baby! If you wanna make some money, why won't you have Nancy shop at Sears?!


 * [During the goodnights, Charles Rocket is in his wheelchair with a bandage on the wound of his neck]
 * Charlene Tilton: Charlie, how do you feel when you got shot?
 * Charles Rocket: Oh, man. It's the first time i've ever been shot in my life. I'd like to know who the fuck did it.
 * [The cast responded with a mix of shock and laughter to the curse word]
 * Charlene Tilton: Okay!

Bill Murray/Delbert McClinton [6.12]

 * Ann Risley: The press hasn't been overly kind.
 * Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: "Saturday Night Live is Saturday Night Dead."
 * Cast: [groans] Oh, come on, geez.
 * Bill Murray: "From Yuck to Yeech." [cast groans still] My favorite though, is, "Vile From New York."
 * Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.
 * Bill Murray: Come on! It's funny, it's funny!

(none)/Jr. Walker & the All-Stars [6.13]

 * Al Franken: After five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken. [His name appeared on screen] So, NBC wants to pick a new producer. Now, most knowledgeable people, as you might imagine, hoped it would be me, Al Franken. [His name appeared on screen again] But instead, without consulting the show's staff or cast, NBC picked Jean Doumanian. Now, I don't want to be cruel to Jean -- because it might make you think less of me, Al Franken. [His name appeared again] Anyway, it took NBC 12 shows to figure out their horrendous mistake. And a month ago, they fired Jean. Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone like me, Al Franken? [His name appeared again] No, they picked Dick Ebersol. I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn't know Dick. Okay. Now, the show is going to be a little better. No english-speaking person could do the worst job than Jean. And I think it's time that we should get this tired old format off the air. So if you write for me, Al Franken. [His name appeared again] Just write to: Put SNL To Sleep, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, New York, 10020. And one more thing, me and Tom Davis are hosting Saturday Night Live next week, with musical guest, The Grateful Dead. So watch that. After that, don't watch it anymore.
 * [Audience applauds]
 * Chevy Chase: And that's the news, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

(none)/Rod Stewart [7.01]
Pooped 'em

Eddie Murphy/Lionel Richie [8.9]

 * Eddie Murphy: Live, from New York, it's the Eddie Murphy show!

Lily Tomlin/Pervis Hawkins [8.10]

 * Lily Tomlin: Live, from New York, it's the Lily Tomlin show!

Sigourney Weaver [12.01]
(Madonna reads a message from NBC about season 11 of Saturday Night Live)
 * Madonna: It was all a dream. A horrible, horrible dream.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Derek Stevens: (singing "The Lady I Know")
 * There's a lady I know
 * If I didn't know her
 * She'd be the lady I didn't know.


 * And my lady, she went downtown
 * She bought some broccoli
 * She brought it home.


 * She's choppin' broccoli
 * Choppin' broccoli
 * Choppin' broccoli
 * Choppin' broccoli


 * She's choppin' broccoli
 * She's choppin' broccoli
 * She's chop.. ooh!
 * She's choppin' broccola-ah-ie!

Rosanna Arquette/Ric Ocasek [12.03]

 * Mephistopheles: (hypnotically at camera) You, watching this at home, worship me! I command you! Become my willing thralls and live enternally!
 * Doug Llewellen: That's all for this edition of "The People's Court."
 * Mephistopheles: Know the sweet, sublime feeling of complete obedience to your Evil Master! Come serve me, the Prince of Darkness, I command it! Hear me!
 * Baliff: Come on, let's go! Come on!
 * Mephistopheles: Wait, wait just a second... Obey me! Obey me! (laughs wickedly)


 * Dennis Miller: Tonight's top story: Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse turned up in the People's Republic of China this week to promote their series in Chinese television. This is just part of a worldwide Disney organization, which also includes "Goofy in Beirut" and also a new Disney character, "Hassenfutz in Nicaragua."


 * Dennis Miller: And the New York Mets defeated the Boston Red Sox in Game 6 of the World Series tonight, prompting New York Yankees owner, George Steinbrenner to fire his manager Lou Piniella.

Chevy Chase, Steve Martin, Martin Short/Randy Newman [12.06]

 * Steve Martin: If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.
 * If I had two wishes that I could wish for this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace...and the second would be for $30 million a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account.
 * You know, if I had three wishes that I could make this holiday season, first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing, the second would be for the $30 million every month to me, and the third would be for all encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.
 * And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, first would be the crap about the kids, second would be for the $30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model, Paulina somebody, I can't think of her name, of course my lovely wife could come, too. She's behind me 100% on this, I guarantee you.
 * Wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should be the first wish! So, if I made that the first wish, because, you know, it could all go boom tomorrow, and then what have you got? No, no, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. Wait a minute, who am I kidding? I mean, they're not gonna be able to get all those kids together! I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible! It's more trouble than it's worth! So, we reorganize, here we go. First, the sex thing—we go with that; second, the money. No! We go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids. Oh, wait, oh geez! I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in Hell! That would be the fourth wish! And of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. Thank you, everybody, and Merry Christmas.

Tom Hanks/Keith Richards [14.1]

 * Sam Donaldson : Vice-President Bush, there are millions of homeless in this country - children who go hungry, and lacking in other basic necessities. How would the Bush administration achieve your stated goal of making this a kinder, gentler nation?
 * George Bush : Well, that is a big problem, Sam, and unfortunately the format of these debates makes it hard to give you a complete answer. If I had more time, I could spell out the program in greater detail, but I'm afraid, in a short answer like this, all I can say is we're on track - we can do more - but we're getting the job done, so let's stay on course, a thousand points of light. Well, unfortunately, I guess my time is up.
 * Diane Sawyer : Mr. Vice-President, you still have a minute-twenty.
 * George Bush: What? That can't be right. I must have spoken for at least two minutes.
 * Diane Sawyer: No, just forty seconds, Mr. Vice-President.
 * George Bush: Really? Well, if I didn't use the time then, I must have just used the time now, talking about it.
 * Diane Sawyer: No, no, Mr. Vice-President, it's not being counted against you.
 * George Bush: Well, I just don't want it to count against Governor Dukakis' time.
 * Diane Sawyer: It won't. It will come out of the post-debate commentary.
 * George Bush: Do you think that's a good idea?
 * Diane Sawyer: You still have a minute-twenty, Mr. Vice-President.
 * George Bush: Well, more has to be done, sure. But the programs we have in place are doing the job, so let's keep on track and stay the course.
 * Diane Sawyer: You have fifty seconds left, Mr. Vice-President.
 * George Bush: Let me sum up. On track, stay the course. Thousand points of light.
 * Diane Sawyer: Governor Dukakis, rebuttal?
 * Michael Dukakis : I can't believe I'm losing to this guy.

Steve Martin/Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers [14.20]

 * Steve Martin: You know, I've been coming here to do Saturday Night Live since 1976, and the thing that keeps bringing you back is the people you get to work with...and I would like to show you something we recorded on this stage in 1978. [Steve then shows the season 3 sketch "Dancing in the Dark", in which he dances with original cast member Gilda Radner, who had passed away the day the episode premiered] You know, when I look at that tape, I can't help but think how great she was, and how young I looked. Gilda, we miss you.

Debra Winger/Eric Clapton [15.16]

 * Dennis Miller: Here now with a commentary on the values and priorities in American journalism is Mr. Subliminal. Hello, Mr. Subliminal. [pause] Welcome Mr. Subliminal, everybody.
 * Mr. Subliminal (Kevin Nealon): Thank you. Thank you, Dennis (haircut). You know, there's so many... There's so many important newsworthy events in today's world. But what's making headlines? [Holds up two copies of the New York Post with the same story...] Donald and Ivana Trump (greedy pigs). I mean, what's the big deal? The Trumps are just two normal people with normal problems (therapy). Donald's a confused man who should evoke our sympathy and understanding (cheating bastard), and Ivana... a very sweet and unfortunately heartbroken women (had it coming to her) who was misled into signing an obviously unfair prenuptial agreement (sucker). And caught up in all... of this, in the middle, is a sweet, innocent country girl named Marla Maples (homewrecker), who never had a chance... never had a chance to defend herself before the press (guilty). And who cares? Who cares where she's hiding out? (Atlantic City) Personally, I just don't understand the fascination with her (breasts). I mean, Germany... German reunification is right around the corner (big mistake), and Marla's picture... Marla's picture is on the cover of every paper. There's no reason for this (big breasts). Now, let's get our priorities in the right place (hot sex). So, in summing up, let's leave Donald (fishmouth) and Ivana out of the news, and let that poor innocent Marla Maples (slut) live her life without the press manipulating her (call me). I mean, come on. I mean, really.
 * Let me just say this. Marla doesn't deserve this (tie me up), and the public doesn't deserve this. Unlike other news reporters, I have true journalistic values (talk dirty to me). And from this point on, I will bring to you only the most important and newsworthy issues in today's world (bring Donald's money). Thank you.

Roseanne Barr/Deee-lite with Bootsy Collins & the Rubber Band [16.13]

 * [The Happy Fun Ball sketch]
 * Kid 1: It's happy!
 * Kid 2: It's fun!
 * Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3: It's Happy Fun Ball!
 * Announcer: Yes, it's Happy Fun Ball! The toy sensation that's sweeping the nation! Only $14.95 at participating stores! Get one today! [suddenly, in a serious tone] Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball. Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete. Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs: Itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremites, loss of balance and coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, profuse sweating, or heart palpitations. If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head. Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin. When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Inc., and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability. Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball includes an unknown glowing green substance which fell to Earth, probably from outer space. Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime warranty. [back in energetic tone again] Happy Fun Ball! Accept no substitutes!

Season 17
EPISODE 1, SEPTEMBER 28TH 1991 DA Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls

Tom Arnold/Neil Young [18.8]

 * Secret Service Agent : Sir, we've only been jogging for three blocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fast food places.
 * Bill Clinton : I just want to mingle with the American people, talk with some real folks.. and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something.
 * Secret Service Agent: Fine. But please don't tell Mrs. Clinton.
 * Bill Clinton: Jim, let me tell you something—there's gonna be a lot of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton about.

Jason Alexander/Peter Gabriel [18.17]

 * Bennett Brauer : [making air quotes throughout] That's right, Bennett Brauer, here with a commentary. Not quite what you're used to, perhaps. Not a tidy picture, is it? Because in today's souped up society, apparently John Q. Viewer is only comfortable getting his opinions from a Ken doll. Well, maybe I'm not a "G.Q. model" or a "hunk". Maybe I'm not "handsome" or even "presentable". I'm not "pleasing to the eye". Maybe I'm not "witty". I have no "charm" or "appeal". I'm not "smart" or even "the average". I don't "pee in the potty". I'm not "clean". I don't "smell good". I'm not "polished" or "prepared". I have nothing "interesting to say". I guess I don't "play the game". When I eat, I don't "use silverware" or "wipe my face". I don't "wash afterwards" or even the "next day". So I guess I just don't "fit the mold", and if that 's the case, I'll just step back and I'm sure John and Jane Doe can go back to enjoying the endless parade of commentators who don't "make people queasy". Thanks, that's all for now, Kevin.

Christina Applegate/Midnight Oil [18.19]

 * Chris Farley: First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.


 * Chris Farley: You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and livin' in a van down by the river!


 * Chris Farley: Young man, what do you want to do with your life?
 * David Spade: Well, actually, I kind of want to be a writer.
 * Chris Farley: ...Well, la-dee-FRICKIN-da! We got ourselves a writer here! Hey Dad, I can't see real good, is that Bill Shakespeare over there?
 * Phil Hartman: Well, actually, Matt, we've actually been encouraging Bryan in his writing.
 * Chris Farley: Dad, I wish you could shut your big YAPPER!


 * Chris Farley:From what I hear, you're using that paper not for writing, but for rollin' doobies. Well there's gonna be plenty of time for doobie rollin', when you're LIVIN' IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!


 * Chris Farley:Young lady, what do you want to do with your life?
 * Christina Applegate:(Sarcastically)I wanna live in a van down by the river.
 * Chris Farley:Well you'll have plenty of time for livin' in a van down by the river when...YOU'RE LIVIN' IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Kevin Kline/Willie Nelson & Paul Simon [18.20]

 * Bennett Brauer: That's right, Bennett Brauer here with another commentary. Didn't think the suits would have me back, perhaps. Thought they'd have my derriere replaced by one of those cookie cutter store mannequins. Well, maybe I'm not "the norm". I'm not "camera friendly". I don't "wear clothes that fit me". I'm not a "heartbreaker". I haven't "had sex with a woman"; I don't know "how that works". I guess I don't "fall in line". I'm not "hygienic". I don't "wipe properly". I lack "style". I don't have "charisma" or "self esteem". I don't "own a toothbrush" or "let my scabs heal". I can't "reach all the parts of my body". When I sleep, I don't...I "sweat profusely". But I guess the "powers that be" will keep signing my paycheck, at least until John and Jane Q. Viewer start to go for the remote so they can get back to watching commentators who don't "frighten children" and don't "eat their own dandruff" and don't "pop their white heads with a compass they used in high school".

Sara Gilbert/Counting Crows

 * Lucy (David Spade): God, I love these fries!
 * Cindy (Chris Farley): If you love' em so much, why don't you marry 'em! [Takes some fries] Can I have some?
 * Lucy: Um, sure, Cindy, go ahead..
 * Cindy: [taking more] Oh, God, these are good!
 * Kristy (Adam Sandler): Uh.. Cindy, can you leave some for us?
 * [Cindy laughs and keeps eating]
 * Lucy: I thought you were, um, trying to lose weight?
 * Cindy: [deep voice, while choking Lucy] LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING!

Emilio Estevez/Pearl Jam [19.18]

 * Kevin Nealon: [subliminal editorial] In Singapore, public flogging by law is one hundred years old. (Dick Clark) And, frankly ...I was stunned to think there was any place on Earth where a teenage boy could be stripped and paddled across his bare buttocks. (Neverland Ranch) Admittedly...some convicted felons deserve to be beaten. (Leona Helmsley) But some say justice must be satisfied. But who gets satisfaction out of having people tied up and whipped? (Rick James) Others say...this acts as a deterrent but no one can predict the future. (Hillary Clinton) Yes, the boy admitted to spray painting cars, but he's only eighteen and young people often do stupid and impulsive things they later regret. (Shannen Doherty) I happen to think...that everyone's entitled to one mistake. (Euro Disney) And I'm not saying there aren't...those who I'd love to see get a good flogging. (Urkel) It's just that...I'm afraid we've become so insensitive that we've learned to accept the idea of a man's beating in public. (Pee Wee Herman) Let's have some compassion... Remember... No, I'm just saying, you gotta... Remember, justice should be tempered with mercy. These words from a wise man (Bazooka Joe) should be our watchword. ... And hopefully, before long, this boy can go on with his life and his story will be yesterday's news and long forgotten. (Debbie Gibson) Thank you.

John Goodman/Tragically Hip [20.16]

 * Todd O'Connor (Chris Farley): Oh, you know that Saturday Night Live show? It got way worse. Oh, yeah. It's just sad. They got that fat guy screaming all the time. Come on! Pull the plug on that freaking thing, huh?

Mariel Hemingway/Blues Traveler [21.1]

 * Norm Macdonald: The much talked about film Showgirls opened this week, and here's my review. Basically a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of 1-10, I give it a 10.

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 * Norm Macdonald: And now a new feature on Weekend Update, here's Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. Nancy?
 * Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.
 * Norm Macdonald: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?
 * Nancy Walls: Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [Norm and Nancy solemnly shake their heads, which they do with every sad story] The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbagemen, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap.
 * Norm Macdonald: That...that just breaks your heart.
 * Nancy Walls: And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.
 * Norm Macdonald: Oh...oh, you hate to hear that.
 * Nancy Walls: It's the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who's been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for 75 years...
 * Norm Macdonald: Oh, hey, I love that swan.
 * Nancy Walls: Well, wait. He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his own beak.
 * Norm Macdonald: Oh...that's just senseless.
 * Nancy Walls: And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen. The liver was later found in a large Kaiser roll with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing. It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.
 * Norm Macdonald: Oh...what a world we live in, Nancy. What a world.
 * Nancy Walls: I think somewhere, Norm, we got off the track as a society.
 * Norm Macdonald: Well, is that all for the Head-Shaking News, Nancy?
 * Nancy Walls: No, no, Norm, there's one more item. I'm a new cast member, I just moved here all the way from Chicago, and this Head-Shaking News thing pretty much is my big spot on the show.
 * Norm Macdonald: Oh...that's not right.
 * Nancy Walls: What are you gonna do?
 * Norm Macdonald: Well, hey, maybe this Head-Shaking News thing will kinda take off.
 * Nancy Walls: You really think so?
 * Norm Macdonald: [shaking] No, I don't. Nancy Walls, everybody.

Chevy Chase/Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories [21.2]

 * Norm Macdonald: Well, it is finally official: murder is legal in the state of California.

Alec Baldwin/Tori Amos [21.11]

 * Norm Macdonald: [on George Burns's 100th birthday] I don't know the secret to his longevity, but I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn't know it either.

Jim Carrey/Soundgarden [21.20]

 * Norm Macdonald: Our top story tonight: In an emotional press conference this week, Bob Dole announced that he was resigning from the U.S. Senate, where he has served for nearly three decades. Dole said he regretted leaving the Senate, but needed to focus all his energies on a goal many had once thought impossible: getting Bill Clinton re-elected. Meanwhile, the Clinton administration has charged that the new Republican budget contains hidden tax breaks for big business and the wealthy. In response, Republican lawmakers said, "Shhhh!"

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 * Norm Macdonald: Tomorrow night on 60 Minutes, Dr. Jack Kevorkian will sit for his first-ever in-depth interview. According to producers, Kevorkian agreed to the interview only on condition that it be conducted by veteran correspondent Andy Rooney. Wait! Don't do it, Andy, it's a trap! It's a trap!

Bill Pullman/New Edition [22.3]

 * Norm Macdonald: While jogging on San Diego this weekend President Clinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker who shouted at him, quote: "You're a draft-dodging, yellow-bellied liar; you're a disgrace to the office of the Presidency, to your gender, and to this nation," and then added: "I'm still gonna vote for you."

Chris Rock/The Wallflowers [22.5]

 * Nat X: So what’s going on in the news today? Same thing every day: O.J. Black people too happy, white people too mad. I haven’t seen that many mad white people since they cancelled M*A*S*H. Everybody “Hey look at all them black people too happy talkin’ about “Look what we won! We won, we won!” Hey - what we won? I ain’t get nothin’ yet! Every day Nat X look in his mailbox, nothin' in there. Where my O.J. prize? Okay? Everybody talkin’ about its about race, it’s about race. That’s a bunch of crap. It’s about fame. ‘Cause if O.J. wasn’t famous, he’d be in jail right now. That’s right—if O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn’t even be O.J. He’d be Orenthal the bus driving murderer.

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 * Tori Spelling : Hi Nat! It’s good to be here, how are you?
 * Nat X: Look, don’t come here a kissin’ my behind. The only reason you’re here is ‘cause your daddy paid me, okay? Now I saw your movie of the week.
 * Tori Spelling: Oh thanks, did you like it?
 * Nat X: Did I like it? Let me put it this way: I’ve seen better actin in a Cambodian whorehouse! Alright? I’ve seen better actin’ in tough actin’ Tinactin.

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 * Norm Macdonald: Yesterday, in a dramatic finish to his White House bid, Bob Dole began a 96-hour, 15-state, non-stop campaign tour that will take him right through Election day. Political experts are calling the grueling marathon a, quote, "last ditch effort," while medical experts are calling it, quote, "a suicide attempt."

David Alan Grier/Snoop Dogg [22.11]

 * Norm Macdonald: In Atlanta this week, two separate bomb blasts rocked a building which houses an abortion clinic. Asked if there were any suspects, an FBI spokesman said, "We don't want to rush to judgment like we did in the Olympic Park bombing case," but then added, "It's Richard Jewell."

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 * Norm Macdonald: In Springfield, Missouri, the local cable company mistakenly aired five minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon Network, during an episode of The Flintstones. Experts say that children who saw the broadcast called it the "greatest Flintstones episode ever!" In literary news, the ever-reclusive J.D. Salinger will publish his first book in 34 years. Asked what inspired him to finally write again, Salinger said, "Get the hell off my lawn!"

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 * Norm Macdonald: Finally, according to the U.S. News & World Report 1997 Career Guide, the best job in the United States, for the second year in a row, is Interactive Business System Analyst. However, last year's worst job, Assistant Crack Whore, has been replaced by a new worst job: Crack Whore Trainee.

Alec Baldwin/Tina Turner [22.14]

 * Will Ferrell: They say Gene Roddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from Brasky talkin' in his sleep!

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 * Alec Baldwin: He hated Mexicans!
 * Will Ferrell: And he was half Mexican!
 * Mark McKinney: And he hated irony!

Matthew Perry/Oasis [23.2]

 * Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell): Let's see what Mr. Travolta put: "Miso", a type of soup. Very good. And your wager? "Horny". "Miso Horny".
 * John Travolta (Darrell Hammond): (laughing) Oh, come on, that's hilarious!
 * Alex Trebek: No, it isn't!

Nathan Lane/Metallica [23.8]

 * Norm Macdonald: In January, production will begin on the seventh season of MTV's The Real World. The seven young people appearing in the series will represent different backgrounds, ages, religions and sexual orientations. However, this year, they will share one trait in common—I will hate them.

Samuel L. Jackson/Ben Folds Five [23.10]

 * Colin Quinn: (as the new Weekend Update anchorman) You know how you go to your favorite bar, and your local bartender isn't there? You ask, "Where's Jeff?" "Jeff no longer works here, I'm Steve." And you're thinking, "Hey, who's this idiot? I like Jeff." But you still want your drink? And even though Steve doesn't mix your drink the same way you're used to, like Jeff, you still like the same bar, you don't want to have to go to a different bar. And even Steve might feel kinda bad because Jeff trained him. Jeff showed him how to work the cash register, where the tonic was on the soda gun, who tips, who doesn't. Well...I'm Steve. What can I get you?

Garth Brooks [23.14]

 * Saddam Hussein: Live-time from the New York, it's the Saturday fun hour!

David Duchovny/Puff Daddy [23.20]

 * Alex Trebek: Let's move on to "Current U.S. Presidents", for $400. And the answer is: "He is the current U.S. President. [No one responds, so more clue is revealed] He has white hair, and you've probably seen him in the news. His first name is 'Bill' [No response] Mr. Goldblum, I know for a fact you had dinner with him recently. His last name is Clinton! His name is Bill Clinton, please someone simply say, 'Who is Bill Clinton?'" Someone just say it! Anyone. [Timer sounds] And the show has reached a new low.

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 * Alex Trebek: Let's see what you put: "2". The number 2!
 * Jeff Goldblum (David Duchovny): Aha! Aha! The letter 2, my friend!
 * Alex Trebek: No, 2 is a number.
 * Jeff Goldblum: I can't read or write.

Ben Stiller/Alanis Morrissette [24.4]

 * Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond): The day is mine! I'll take 'Famous Titties' for 400.
 * Alex Trebek: 'Titles'. 'Famous Titles'.
 * Sean Connery: Damn!
 * Alex Trebek: And the answer is: 'This movie title is taken from the name of the book Gone with the Wind.' Mr. Connery.
 * Sean Connery: Dolly Parton.
 * Alex Trebek: 'Titles', Mr. Connery. Not 'Titties'.
 * Sean Connery: Not a fan of the ladies, are you, Trebek?

Gwynyth Paltrow/Barenaked Ladies [24.16]

 * Bill Clinton: Live, from New York, it's Gloatin' Time!

Drew Barrymore/Garbage [24.16]

 * Sean Connery: I've got to ask you about 'The Penis Mightier'.
 * Alex Trebek: The what? No. No, no, that's 'The Pen Is Mightier'.
 * Sean Connery: Gussy it up however you want, Trebek, what matters is: does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man?!
 * Alex Trebek: It's not a product, Mr. Connery.
 * Sean Connery: Because I've ordered devices like that before - wasted a pretty penny, I don't mind telling you. And if 'The Penis Mightier' works, I'll order a dozen.
 * Alex Trebek: It's not a penis mightier, Mr. Connery. There's no such thing.
 * Nicolas Cage (Jimmy Fallon): Wait, wait, are you selling penis mightiers?
 * Alex Trebek: No! No I'm not!
 * Sean Connery: Well, you're sitting on a gold mine, Trebek!

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 * Alex Trebek: Let's see what all of you wrote. We'll start with you, Mr. Cage. You wrote... and your podium's gone.
 * Nicolas Cage: I don't know where it went. I'm confused.
 * Alex Trebek: You lost your podium? I don't see... You know what? I don't care. Let's move on. Calista Flockhart.
 * Calista Flockhart (Drew Barrymore): [louder than before] What? What?
 * Alex Trebek: Settle down, just relax. You wrote...nothing. And your wager? Nothing!
 * Calista Flockhart: The pen was too heavy.
 * Alex Trebek: Fair enough. Mr. Connery?
 * Sean Connery: We meet again.
 * Alex Trebek: Let's see your answer. I guess that's your wager: a buck. Fine. And your answer is..."Futter". Buck Futter. I don't get it.
 * Sean Connery: Oh...I think you do, Trebek. I think you do, indeed.
 * Alex Trebek: Well, thanks for joining us.
 * Sean Connery: Buck Futter!

Norm Macdonald/Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, & Eminem [25.3]

 * Norm Macdonald: You know, when the people here asked me to do the show, I’ve got to say, I felt kind of weird. I don’t know if you remember this, but I used to actually be on this show. I used to do the "Weekend Update" news routine, you remember that? That’s where I did the make-believe news jokes, you know? That was me, right? So then, a year and a half ago, right, I had sort of a disagreement with the management at NBC. I wanted to keep my job. Right? And they felt the exact opposite. So you see, they fired me because they said that I wasn’t funny. Now, with most jobs, I could have had a hell of a lawsuit on my hands for that, but see, this is a comedy show. So, they got me. But, now, this is the weird part, it’s only a year and a half later, and now, they ask me to host the show. So I wondered, I go, "hey, wait a sec. Heeeyyyyy! How did I go in a year and a half from being not funny enough to be even allowed in the building, to being so funny that I’m now hosting the show? How did I suddenly get so goddamn funny?!"
 * It was inexplicable to me, because a year and a half, let’s face it, is not enough time for a dude to learn how to be funny. Then it occurred to me: I haven’t gotten funnier, the show has gotten really bad! So, yeah, I’m funny compared to, you know, what you’ll see later. Okay, so let’s recap. The bad news is: I’m still not funny. The good news is: the show blows!
 * Alright, folks, we've got a bad show for you tonight!

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 * Burt Reynolds (Norm Macdonald): Hey, uh, I speak a little French. You're an ass bite. Pardon my French.
 * French Stewart (Jimmy Fallon): My name's French!
 * Burt Reynolds: Yeah, who gives a damn?

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 * Burt Reynolds: Hey. Hey, uh, check out the podium. Look at this.
 * Alex Trebek: Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to 'Turd Ferguson'.
 * Burt Reynolds: Yeah, that's right. Turd Ferguson's a funny name.

Christopher Walken/Christina Aguilera [25.16]

 * Bruce Dickinson: I gotta have more cowbell!

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 * Bruce Dickinson: Gentlemen, I put my pants on like you: one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on I make gold records.

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 * Bruce Dickinson: Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription is more cowbell!

Tobey Maguire/Sisqó [25.17]

 * Keanu Reeves (Tobey Maguire): I know kung fu!
 * Alex Trebek: For the last time, no you don't.

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 * Alex Trebek: Let's just go with Foreign Flicks for $800.
 * Sean Connery: [buzzing in] Ursula Andress.
 * Alex Trebek: What?
 * Sean Connery: Ursula Andress, Catherine Deneuve, and Charo, twice.
 * Alex Trebek: That's Foreign Flicks, Mr. Connery.

Rob Lowe/Eminem [26.1]

 * Jim Lehrer : Well, that brings us to the close of tonight's debate. Each candidate will now give a brief closing statement.
 * Al Gore : Jim, may I make two closing statements?
 * Jim Lehrer: I'm afraid not. In fact, we are almost out of time, so I will instead ask each candidate to sum up, in a single word, the best argument for his candidacy. Governor Bush?
 * George W. Bush : Strategery.
 * Jim Lehrer: Vice-President Gore.
 * Al Gore: Lock-box.

Jennifer Lopez [26.11]

 * Tracy Morgan: Live from New York, it's Jennifer Lopez's booty!

Conan O'Brien/Don Henley [26.14]

 * : According to a report released Tuesday, female inmates in the United States have been victims of sexual misconduct by corrections employees in every state, except Minnesota. So ladies, if you wanna rob a bank, but you don’t want your cooter poked, head to beautiful Minnesota, land of 10,000 lakes.

Christopher Walken/Weezer [26.20]

 * Centaur Doctor: Are we going to ask any questions about my medical background?
 * Interviewing Doctor: The rest of the interview will be centaur questions.

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 * Interviewing Doctor: Is there centaur pornography?
 * Centaur Doctor: Yes, there is centaur porn.
 * Interviewing Doctor: If I were to watch centaur porn, but with a piece of cardboard covering the horse parts, would I find the female actresses attractive?
 * Centaur Doctor: Maybe, but you gotta remember: sooner or later, there's gonna be a horse penis in there.

Reese Witherspoon/Alicia Keys [27.1]

 * Lorne Michaels: Can we be funny?
 * Mayor Rudy Giuliani: Why start now?

Seann William Scott/Sum41 [27.2]

 * George W. Bush: (in a message to Osama bin Ladin) If you really wanted to win against me at something, you should have challenged me to a game of Scrabble. Or perhaps a beard-off, for you see, I don't have a beard. And when I do, it comes in all patchy.

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 * George W. Bush: Don't mess with Texas.

Winona Ryder/Moby [27.20]
According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career women shouldn't wait to have babies because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27. And Sylvia's right - I definitely should have had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago over a biker bar, pulling down a cool $12,000 a year. That would have worked out great. But Sylvia's message is basically that feminism can't change nature - which is true, alright. If feminism could change nature, Ruth Bader Ginsberg would be all oiled up on the cover of Mac - but she's not. Ladies, there's no reason to panic, though. It's out of your control, anyway. Either your cooter works, or it doesn't. My mom had me when she was 40, and this was back in the 70s, when the only fertility aid was Harley's Bristol Creme. So, waiting is just a risk that I'm going to have to take. And I don't think I could do fertility drugs, because, to me, six half-pound translucent babies is not a miracle. It's gross. I'd rather adopt a baby, I don't need a kid that looks like me. I was an ugly kid. I looked like a cross between that chick from the Indigo Girls and.. the other chick from the Indigo Girls. Not a cute kid, alright. Dratch, Poehler, Maya? how do you feel about author Sylvia Hewlett?
 * Tina Fey: The cover story of New York Magazine this week is "Baby Panic". This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table - "Where Are The Babies?", "Why Haven't You Had A Baby?", and "For God's Sake, Have A Baby!" Thanks, Time Magazine, just what I need - another article so depressing, I can actually hear my ovaries curling up.
 * ,, : We hated Sylvia Hewlett!
 * Rachel Dratch: Yeah. Sylvia, um, thanks for reminding me that I have to hurry up and have a baby. Uh, me and my four cats will get right on that.
 * Amy Poehler: My neighbor has this adorable, cute little Chinese baby that speaks Italian. So, you know, I’ll just buy one of those.
 * Maya Rudolph: Yeah, Sylvia, maybe your next book should tell men our age to stop playing Grand Theft Auto III, and holding out for the chick from Alias.
 * Rachel and Amy: Yeah.
 * Tina Fey: You're not gonna get the chick from Alias!
 * Maya Rudolph: Yeah, why don't you just shut up and put a baby in here! [pointing around her crotch]
 * Amy Poehler: You guys want to go and, uh, stare at Ana some more?
 * Maya Rudolph: Yeah!
 * Rachel Dratch: Okay!

Hugh Laurie/Beck [32.4]

 * Borat Sagdiyev: Alive from New York - home of the Jew - it's Saturday night!

Julia Louis Dreyfus/Snow Patrol [32.15]

 * Oprah (Maya Rudolph): (to Darfur refugee) Let's talk about this, Olessi. Why do you think things are going badly?
 * Olessi Oneweeja : Well, as you may or may not know, this region is four years into a brutal conflict which has claimed over 200,000 lives, the UN has refused to classify the conflict as a genocide, and while there is a current ceasefire, I don't think anyone thinks it's permanent.
 * Oprah and Rhonda Byrne (Amy Poehler): Very negative thinking, very negative.
 * Oprah: Secret!
 * Rhonda: Olessi, I know this is hard for you to hear, but your outlook is what's hurting you.
 * Olessi: No, I think it's the.
 * Rhonda: No, it's you!
 * Oprah: Olessi, did you get the copy of The Secret we sent?
 * Olessi: Yes.
 * Oprah: And? Did you read it?
 * Olessi: No.
 * Rhonda: Why not?
 * Olessi: Because I ate it.
 * Oprah: Well, digest every word.

Shia LaBeouf/Avril Lavigne [32.17]

 * Dakota Fanning: When I hear the word 'hotel', it invokes images of Hotel Rwanda about the Rwandan Genocide.
 * Dylan Sprouse: Dakota, you're scaring us!

Michael Phelps/Lil Wayne [34.1]

 * Sarah Palin (Tina Fey): You know, Hillary and I don't agree on everythi...
 * Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler): [cutting in] On anything! I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.
 * Sarah Palin: And I can see Russia from my house!
 * Hillary Clinton: I believe that global warming is caused by man.
 * Sarah Palin: And I believe it's just God hugging us closer!
 * Hillary Clinton: I don't agree with the Bush Doctrine.
 * Sarah Palin: [laughs] I don't know what that is!
 * Hillary Clinton: But, Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate a American election.
 * Sarah Palin: So, please, stop Photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures!
 * Hillary Clinton: And stop saying I have cankles!
 * Sarah Palin: Don't refer to me as a MILF!
 * Hillary Clinton: Don't refer to me as a FLIRJ! I Googled what it stands for, and I do not like it!

Ryan Reynolds/Lady Gaga [35.2]

 * Madonna: What the hell is a discostick?
 * Lady Gaga: (singing) I think you know.
 * DJ Dynasty Handbag: I want you two to behave.
 * Lady Gaga: Ok we'll try.
 * Lady Gaga: Hey guess what Madonna...I'm totally hotter than you.
 * Madonna: Hey guess what (hits Lady Gaga's head) I'm totally taller than you. And what kinda of a name is Lady Gaga? It sounds like baby food.
 * Lady Gaga: The kind that's #1 on the Billboard charts. (attacks Madonna)
 * DJ Dynasty Handbag: I said behave beotches.
 * Madonna: You better stop interrupting us
 * Lady Gaga: Yeah we're pop icons Respect (gives Madonna a high 5)
 * (Lady Gaga and Madonna start to fight again)
 * DJ Dynasty Handbag: I want you two to kiss and make up
 * Madonna: Ok
 * Lady Gaga: Excellent
 * Madonna: You made my ring come off
 * Lady Gaga: Sorry
 * DJ Dynasty Handbag: Kiss each other
 * (about to kiss then DJ Dynasty Handbag gets in between them.)

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 * Lady Gaga: Born in New York, in Lenox Hill of ‘86 Cheered for the Yankees with my dad in Section 6 And after traveling, just dancing round the world I still prefer a beer and whiskey with my friends on Rivington street ... I miss every little thing about the city Subway trains, the girls are pretty Love the hot dogs on 72nd street They’re tasty and they’re cheap Was just a waitress on Cornelia Now I’m living my dreams, baby! Singing about my Poker Face New York, It’s Saturday night!

Sigourney Weaver/The Ting Tings [35.12]

 * Seth Meyers: This week you didn't need Cinemax to see someone get screwed on TV. So how did NBC let it come to this? Well, I think I can explain it. Let's say you're married and it's the #1 marriage in the country, but then you meet someone else who sweeps you off your feet, so you say to her, "I want to marry you, in five years," and she says, "Yes, I will wait five years to marry you." So then you go home and you tell your current wife, "Honey, in five years we're getting a divorce." Now you might think your current wife would be super cool with that and thank you for being honest, but it turns out she's actually super mad and as the five years pass she gets in really good shape. So when the time comes for the divorce, she's looking better than ever. She looks so good that you see other people looking at her and you get jealous, so you come up with an awesome plan: you'll still marry the second person, but you'll also stay married to the first. So you tell the new wife, "Good news! We're totally married, but every night when I get home I'm gonna spend a half hour with my first wife first, but then I'm all yours." And before you even see how she feels about it, you hold a big press conference and tell people you've changed the future of marriage. Now if you think the new wife is cool with this plan, she's not. She's super mad. And the first wife is also acting weird because, you know, you have two wives. But then, just when you think you're stuck, you come up with a perfect plan to solve all your problems: You kill your second wife.

Zach Galifianakis/Vampire Weekend [35.16]

 * Zach: I really don't know what I'm doing here! I don't know what I'm talking aboot. Excuse me -- I've been in canada, opening up for Miles Davis...Kilometers Davis. I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers. My girlfriend looks a little bit like Charlize Theron, and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter. She's writing a book about contemporary feminist theory. She let me read the manuscript and I got to say: It's pretty good for a girl. I went to my school reunion not too long ago, and it was very weird...because I was home schooled. Just me there by a bowl of punch, listening to Kool and the Gang. Why I rented that limousine, I have no idea. This woman said to me the other day, "Zach, I like your beard," and I said, "Look, I'm Greek. This isn't a beard. This is part of my eyebrow." [To the band] Are you guys just gonna sit there? I thought we were gonna rehearse something. [The band joins him] There we go. Sometimes I'll do something and I say to myself, "That is so Raven." And then, other times I'll do something and I'll be like, "That was not very Raven." If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles. I've been trying to quit drinking. The other day I drank a 12-pack of O'Doul's, and I went riding around in my car and I got pulled over by a cop. He's like, "Son, have you been drinking?" And I'm like, "Uh, sort of." he said, "What have you been drinking?" and I said "O'Doul's, nonalcoholic beer." And he wrote me a ticket for being a gaylord. I was reading on CNN.com today, before the show. You know that kid who had sex with his high school teacher about a year ago? I read online today that that kid died, today. He died of high-fiving. He was in a high-fiving accident.

Tina Fey/Justin Bieber [35.18]

 * Sarah Palin: Are You Smarter than a Half-Term Governor?

Gabourey Sidibe/MGMT [35.20]

 * Seth Meyers: Where can tourists go if they're looking for a great time in New York City?
 * Stefon: If you're looking for a good time, look no further. New York's hottest club is Crease. Club promoter Trannie Oakley has gone all out, and inside it's just everything—lights, psychos, Furbys, screaming babies in Mozart wigs, sunburned drifters with soap-sud beards...
 * Seth Meyers: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what?
 * Stefon: You know, it's that thing where a hobo becomes a rich man, so they take the big bubble bath.
 * Seth Meyers: I...think I know what you mean. But now Stefon, if people, like if a family of normal people were looking to see some of the classic New York sights, you know, like Central Park or places like that, Statue of Liberty, would you have any recommendations?
 * Stefon: Yes. New York's hottest club is Wesh. Nine-year-old pimp Ichi Yakaguru is back with an all-new hot-spot that answers the question: "What?" This place has everything—trants, stilts, throw-up music, an albino that looks like Susan Powter, Teddy Graham people...
 * Seth Meyers: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, could I stop you for a second? What are Teddy Graham people?
 * Stefon: It's that think of like, when a guy has the stumpy arms but with the belly.
 * Seth Meyers: Yeah, that's definitely not a thing. You're doing great, Stefon, but again, if we were talking about just regular, run-of-the-mill people, maybe from the Midwest, who were just looking to do something with their kids or their grandparents, if they were coming here, could you recommend someplace that would be fun for them?
 * Stefon: New York's hottest club is Twice. Don't be thrown off when you're greeted at the door by a rabbi that looks like Joaquin Phoenix. you're at the right place. Club owner Robert Blake has thought of everything—goths, carnival barkers, groups of guys with Afros in graduation caps, human fire hydrants...
 * Seth Meyers: What is a human fire hydrant?
 * Stefon: You know, it's that thing of when high-waisted midgets have, like...[trying not to laugh] I know, I'm doing great. It's that thing when high-waisted midgets have, like, the red pants and the big ass.
 * Seth Meyers: Oh right, that thing. Look, Stefon, we asked you to come here and tell us about the fun touristy things, we were pretty clear on the phone. Places people, regular people could go on a spring weekend.
 * Stefon: Right, mm-hmm.
 * Seth Meyers: But I have to say the things you described sound like visions a dying gay man might have if he was under too many blankets.
 * Stefon: Fair, fair.
 * Seth Meyers: But you know what, Stefon? Your heart was in the right place, and I really enjoyed having you here.
 * Stefon: Oh, yay!

Emma Stone/Kings of Leon [36.4]

 * Seth Meyers: So, Stefon, right off the bat, it's great to see you. What did you do this summer?
 * Stefon: All of it.
 * Seth Meyers: So, Stefon, if someone is coming—relax, buddy, you're gonna do great. If someone is coming to the city this fall and wants to have the full New York experience—you know, do some fun stuff—where should they go?
 * Stefon: If you're looking for an experience, look no further. New York's hottest club is Trash. As you step through the stainless steel doors of this meat-packing hot spot, you'll be greeted by none other than Pierre the Muslim Elvis impersonator. This club has everything—clones, freaks, sneezing, a Russian man on a prepaid cell phone, and anyone can get in. There's no password. At the door, just do the Cosby face.
 * Seth Meyers: The Cosby face?
 * Stefon: Yeah, uh...[Flashes his fingers in front of his face and pokes through wide-eyed]
 * Seth Meyers: Well, that is nice of them to make it so easy for folks to get in. But Stefon, what about someone who...let's say they're coming to New York for the first time, and they wanna have one of those classic New York nights.
 * Stefon: Yes, yes, I'm with you.
 * Seth Meyers: So where should they go?
 * Stefon: Seth, New York's hottest club is Gush. Club owner Gay Dunaway has built a fantasy word...world that answers the question: "Now?". This place has everything—geeks, sherpas, a Jamaican nurse wearing a shower cap, room after room of broken mirrors, and look over there in the corner. Is that Mick Jagger? No, it's a fat kid on a Slip 'n Slide. His knees look like biscuits...[Briefly breaks into laughter and covers his face] ...and he's ready to party.
 * Seth Meyers: It was not Mick Jagger?
 * Stefon: [fighting through laughter] No, it wasn't Mick Jagger, it was a fat kid with biscuit knees.
 * Seth Meyers: Just wanted to double-check. Stefon, now the reason I wrote you and asked you to come back here...
 * Stefon: A letter.
 * Seth Meyers: I wrote you a letter 'cause that's the only way you'll communicate. I wrote you the letter and I asked you to come back here because New York is really making a push...tourism push for normal American families.
 * Stefon: Yes, they are.
 * Seth Meyers: They are, yes. Yes, so if you could just take a minute, and you don't have to do it now, but if you could take a minute and think of just some fun wholesome places, not for people like you, but for visitors—American visitors from normal middle America, we would really appreciate it. So just don't talk until you're sure you have it.
 * Stefon: I got it already. New York's hottest club is Push! This club has everything—ghosts, banjos, Carl Paladino, a stuck-up kitten who won't sign autographs, Furkels...
 * Seth Meyers: Do I wanna know?
 * Stefon: Yes, you do.
 * Seth Meyers: Furkels are...
 * Stefon: Fat Urkels.
 * Seth Meyers: Sure they are.
 * Stefon: And after you've been with one of those guys, you'll ask yourself, "Did I do that?"
 * Seth Meyers: Stefon, if I were you, I'd be asking myself that all the time. Stefon, not to belabor the point, but we were looking for fun activities a mom, a dad, a grandma, a grandpa, and some kids could enjoy. You instead took us on a tour of a coked-up gay Candyland.
 * Stefon: That's accurate, that's accurate.
 * Seth Meyers: But I think we'll have you back.
 * Stefon: Hooray!

Miley Cyrus/The Strokes [36.16]

 * Miley: There's a photo of me being kissed by a dude
 * And Annie Leibovitz tried to get me nude
 * For those of you who think that's very crude
 * I’m sorry that I'm not perfect!


 * I never stole a necklace or got a DUI.
 * Never cheated on my wife like that golfer guy
 * So what, you could see a little boob from the side?
 * I'm sorry that I'm not perfect!


 * And sure, I danced on a pole, and people called it sinning
 * But at least I didn't date a porn star and tell everyone I'm "winning."


 * [Joined by and ]


 * Kristen Wiig: Didn't make a dirty tape and pass it along.
 * Bobby Moynihan: Didn't text a photo of your dong.
 * Miley: Don't both of these things seem worse than a bong?
 * I'm sorry
 * Kristen Wiig and Bobby Moynihan: She's sorry
 * Miley: So sorry
 * Kristen Wiig and Bobby Moynihan: So sorry
 * Miley: Really sorry that I'm not...
 * Miley Cyrus, Kristen Wiig and Bobby Moynihan: Perfect!

Elton John [36.18]

 * Seth Meyers: Donald Trump, who claims to be testing the waters for a presidential bid, sparked controversy this week by demanding to see Barack Obama's birth certificate. Look, if Donald Trump wants to talk about Barack Obama's birth certificate, what do I care? Though if he loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife? What bothers me is that he's getting so much attention for this fake presidential run. I know Trump thinks any publicity is good publicity, the same way he apparently thinks any hair is good hair. But why are the rest of us talking about this like he really might be President? If saying you were going to do something counted, my dad would be on the cover of Finished Basement Magazine.
 * I think the problem is that with this GOP field, Trump actually seems like a viable candidate, and conversely, all the candidates remind me of contestants on Celebrity Apprentice. Look, Newt Gingrich, you're a trusted conservative, you're a religious man, you brought divorce papers to your wife when she was in the hospital for cancer. [Singing] Two out of three ain't bad, that makes you Meat Loaf, and you're fired.
 * Mitt Romney, you basically created Obamacare in Massachusetts, and now you're running against it, so you're attacking the exact same thing you used to get ahead. You're Jose Canseco, and you're fired.
 * Rick Santorum, this week you said that the reason Social Security is insolvent is that America has aborted 1/3 of its children. Everything out of your mouth makes me say, "WHAT?!" You're Lil Jon, and you're fired.
 * Herman Cain, I don't know a single thing about you. You're John Rich, and you're fired.
 * Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, sexy from a distance, crazy up close. Lisa Rinna and NeNe Leakes, you're fired, you're fired.
 * And finally, Donald Trump, you're bossy, you're entitled, you probably still listen to Burt Bacharach. You're Dionne Warwick, and you're fired.

Mick Jagger [37.22]

 * Seth Meyers: What have you been up to, buddy?
 * Stefon: Oh, the things these eyes have seen?
 * Seth Meyers: Yeah. Now, Stefon, the summer means lots, lots of special events. What's a good venue for families looking to get together and celebrate it?
 * Stefon: If you're looking to celebrate the summer, I have just the place for you. New York's hottest club is Scampi. Illegally parked behind the Statue of Liberty, this hate-speech haven is the creation of frat-boy guru D-Bag Chopra. This place has everything—Zip drives, Gozers, Kesha, and guess who may drop by. Is it Ryan Seacrest? No, it's a drowned albino who looks like Axl Rose. Plus, for the kids, there's a special workshop where you can build a bear, but not the kind you think. So come by this weekend and check out a VIP section filled with furtlenecks.
 * Seth Meyers: Oh, I'm sorry, do you mean turtlenecks?
 * Stefon: No, no, no, no, no, furtlenecks. It's that thing when fat guys have a beard, but only on their chin roll.
 * Seth Meyers: Stefon, I don't mean to cut you off, but that place just doesn't sound right.
 * Stefon: But they even have a pack of roaming draggers.
 * Seth Meyers: What are draggers?
 * Stefon: It's that thing when an old dog has short legs, but a long penis. [Briefly breaks into laughter and covers his face]
 * Seth Meyers: Stefon! Now, New York has so many cultural events during the summer months. Can you recommend just one of those?
 * Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. If you want culture, and you want it now, I've got the place for you. New York's hottest club is [imitates a passing car]. Written and directed by James L. Brooks, this place has everything—backpacks, sea lions, Ron Wood, a rental car filled with bottled water, my best friend Joel, plus a special appearance by evil celebrity chef Wario Batali. He's just like his brother, expect he doesn't wear Crocs.
 * Seth Meyers: I can't wait to meet him. But Stefon, for people who like culture, regular culture like theatre, where can they go?
 * Stefon: Try blindfolded theatre group Shakespeare in the Dark. This year, they're performing the Scottish play.
 * Seth Meyers: MacBeth?
 * Stefon: No, Jacked Beth. The story of a seven-foot-tall female bodybuilder, she's got the heart of gold and a voice as deep as the Mighty Mississippi.
 * Seth Meyers: She sounds like quite a woman.
 * Stefon: I went to prom with her.
 * Seth Meyers: Stefon, I'm gonna do you a favor and narrow it down. Why don't you tell us some spots people can go to for the Fourth of July.
 * Stefon: Absolutely. If you want to celebrate the Fourth of July in style, New York's hottest club is [nerd voice] Hello. [Covers his face again]
 * Seth Meyers: What place?
 * Stefon: Hello. This place has everythings—Raffis, yeticabs—pedicabs driven by Yetis—slowpokes, a woman with nowhere to turn. Just for the Fourth of July, they've got a special display of Jewish fireworks.
 * Seth Meyers: What are Jewish fireworks?
 * Stefon: The ones that go peewwww-ehhhhhh. The whole thing is hosted by cross-dressing founding father Jenjamin Franklin, and if there's a lightning storm, he'll tie a key to the end of it.
 * Seth Meyers: The end of his kite.
 * Stefon: No, honey, not his kite. So, this year on America's birthday, give her what she really wants—a hearty salute and a human R2-D2.
 * Seth Meyers: I'm sorry, for those of us who don't know, what is a human R2-D2?
 * Stefon: It's that thing when a midget on roller skates dials a speakerphone, and you put a garbage can over their head.
 * Seth Meyers: Stefon, I know I tell you this every night. Stefon, you can count me out because I'm taking my girlfriend to the beach, and I'd invite you, but there's only room for two in our convertible.
 * Stefon: Fine. Guess I'll just eat poison 'til I die. [begs for sympathy from audience] Aww, poor Stefon.
 * Seth Meyers: Fine, you can come. I'll make my girlfriend walk.
 * Stefon: Fourth of July!
 * Seth Meyers: We'll celebrate with a bang. No, wait, I meant
 * Stefon: Too late, we're doing it.
 * Seth Meyers: Stefon, everybody! Have a great summer!

Matthew McConaughey/Adele [41.06]

 * Matthew: It has been 14 years since I did this show, and I gotta tell you, I did not remember how much work it is. Seriously, we've been doing 16-hour days the last six days just getting ready. Not that we are actually ready, 'cause I promise you, we are not. But you know what? I'm pretty sure everything tonight is gonna go okay, okay, okay.
 * That's not what you thought I was gonna say, was it? All right, well, let me tell you the origin story of the phrase you thought I was going to say. This is titled The Right Bar at the Right Time. It's 1992, I'm in Austin, Texas, in college, not even thinking about being an actor at this point. I go to this bar where I get introduced to this producer. This producer and I started talking, and four hours later, we get kicked out of so said bar. On the taxi ride home, he says, "hey, McConaughey, you ever done any acting?" I said, "well, no, not really." He says, "well, I'm doing this movie, and you might be right for this part."
 * Well, sure enough, I wake up the next morning, I go pick up the script, it's called Dazed and Confused. My character, David Wooderson, he has three lines in the entire film. Alright, but one of those lines is what I like to call a launchpad line. Know what I mean by that? A launchpad line is a line that, if the character really believes it, then I could feel like I could write a whole book on this character, alright? The scene goes like this. Wooderson's hanging out at a pool hall with some buddies, and some girls walk by, he smacks one of 'em on the ass, and his buddy says, "man, you're gonna go to jail for that, Woodman." And Wooderson says, "Naw. That's what I like about these high school girls; I get older, they stay the same age."
 * So I get called into this wardrobe-makeup test on the set, right? I'm not supposed to work, but I get called in for it. The director comes up to me, Richard Linklater. He says, "oh my God, you look great, man. This is Wooderson, this is exactly who I hoped you'd be." He says, "listen, you know, we're doing this drive-thru scene tonight, and I know you're not supposed to work, but you think Wooderson might be picking up on the red-headed intellectual? You know, he's already been with the cheerleaders and the typically hot girls; what about the red-headed intellectual?" I said, "sure, he would, man. Wooderson loves all kinds of women." He goes, "hey, you wanna shoot it?"
 * Next thing I know, I'm in a car getting ready to shoot my very first scene in my film acting career, unscripted. Am I nervous? You're damn right, I'm nervous. So I started thinking, I said, who is Wooderson? Who's my man, what's he about? And I tell myself, "Wooderson's about four things: he's about cars, weed, rock and roll, and chicks."
 * I look around where I am. I say, "well, I'm in my '70 Chevelle, that's one; I got Slater riding shotgun, so I'm definitely getting high, that's two; and we got Ted Nugent playing 'Stranglehold' on the 8-track, well, that's three." At this point, I hear over the intercom, "action!" And I look up across the drive-thru at this red-headed intellectual, and I say to myself, "buddy, you got three out of four. Alright, alright, alright!"

Tom Hanks/Lady Gaga [42.03]

 * Tom Hanks: A magazine cover recently called me "America's Dad," [takes off jacket and puts on sweater] and I would've preferred "Sexiest Man Alive," but I will take it. Anyhow, America is feeling nervous these days, and I'm a responsible father, so I thought maybe it's time we had a little chat.
 * [Walks to the left side and takes a seat]
 * Hey, buddy. There's my big, growing nation. How you doing, champ? So, rough year, huh? Yeah, I hear ya. You got a lot goin' on inside ya. Feeling anxious and conflicted and scared about what's gonna happen next. Well, you are gonna be fine. Remember when you went through that Depression? This is nothing. You're just growing up, and you're in an awkward phase. For example, you may have noticed that your...your complexion is changing? You're getting a little darker, and you're freaking out about it? Well, that's natural for a nation of immigrants like yourself. Also, you're a lot gayer than you used to be. That is cool. That is trill. It's fleek, whatever that means.
 * So, how you doin'? You okay with money? Really? 'Cause I heard you're in some debt. I'd like to help you out, but if I do, you're never gonna learn. Also, I don't have $19 trillion, I have $230 million.
 * Something else I wanna talk to you about. You got a lot of guns, kiddo. You need all those guns? Alright, alright, I don't wanna have that fight again. Let's just drop it, you know. Drop it.
 * Hey, one thing you should know. We can smell it, the weed. It's like you're not even trying to hide it anymore. But don't worry, I won't tell your mom, because I don't need to because she can smell it, too.
 * Look, all I came in here to say is, you are great. I know some people are saying China's better than you. Sure, you know, China might be popular right now, but people don't understand how hard it is to be you. I mean, you got a summer birthday, that's always tough. Also, you know, you are so dang creative. Think of everything you have done. You went to the moon, you invented the Internet, you created a cannon that shoots T-shirts.
 * Alright, alright, look, I'm gonna get outta your hair. You got a big decision in the next couple weeks, but I know you're gonna make the right choice, as long as you think from [points to head] here and [points to heart] here, and not so much down there. And no matter what happens, I'm proud of you. Now, enough of the sulking. I want you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go show the world what else you can stuff inside a pizza crust. [Holds fist out] Pound it, pound it. [Takes a fist bump] Ah, that's my man. [Walks back to center] That kid is gonna be fine because that kid is a Hanks!


 * Chris Wallace: Good evening, I'm Chris Wallace, and welcome to the third and final Presidential debate. Tonight is going to be a lot like the third Lord of the Rings movie. You don't really want to watch, but, hey, you've come this far.

Benedict Cumberbatch/Solange [42.05]

 * Beck Bennett (runs out on a game show podium): Hi, and welcome to my new game show where we get to the bottom of something that's been throwing me for a loop all week. Let's meet our contestants.
 * Vanessa Bayer: Hi, I'm Vanessa Bayer, and I'm here because you asked me to be.
 * Beck Bennett: Great. Contestant number two?
 * Aidy Bryant: Hi, I'm Aidy Bryant, and, Beck, what is this exactly?
 * Beck Bennett: You'll see. Contestant number three?
 * Benedict Cumberbatch: Um, hello, I'm Benedict Cumberbatch, and I don't remember this sketch at dress rehearsal.
 * Beck Bennett: Fantastic. And now, it's time to play...
 * Audience (as splash screen for game show appears): Why Is Benedict Cumberbatch Hot?
 * Benedict Cumberbatch (realizing what he just got himself into): Oh...Beck.
 * Beck Bennett: Yeah, that's right. Every girl in the cast has been so horny for this dude all week, so, as a guy, I'm just trying to figure that out.

Dave Chappelle/A Tribe Called Quest [42.06]
(After Kate McKinnon, dressed as Hillary Clinton, plays Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah")
 * Kate McKinnon: I'm not giving up, and neither should you.

<hr width="50%"/> (during a sketch in which Hillary Clinton supporters are shocked to find that Donald Trump, despite his controversies, is winning the election)
 * Supporter #1: Why isn't everyone turning out for Hillary Clinton the way they did for Barack Obama?
 * Chris Rock: Maybe because you're replacing a charismatic black man with a 70-year-old white woman. That's like the Knicks replacing Patrick Ewing with Neil Patrick Harris.

Jake Gyllenhaal/Sabrina Carpenter [49.20]

 * [Outro to "Nonsense"]
 * Sabrina Carpenter: He is 30 rock hard 'cause I said hi
 * My sense of humor is, but I am not dry
 * SNL, I just came for the first time.