Sausage Party

Sausage Party is a 2016 3D adult animated comedy film about a sausage and a bun who discover the truth about what humans do to food at "the Great Beyond". It is the first ever R-rated CGI film.
 * Directed by Conrad Vernon & Greg Tiernan. Written by Kyle Hunter, Ariel Shaffir, Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg. Story by Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg and Jonah Hill.

Get your Fill! (taglines)

Carl

 * [witnessing a shopper eating baby carrots] THEY'RE EATING CHILDREN!!!! FUCKING CHILDREN!!!!! [sees a window as an escape route] WE GOTTA RUN!

Dialogue

 * Frank: Hey, Brenda. What up, girl? [chuckles] Sorry about those guys. Such stupid jerks, right?
 * Carl: [off-screen] Uh, I can hear you, dude.
 * Frank: [turns to Carl] Shut up, fuck you. [turns back to Brenda] So looks like tomorrow's the big day, huh? [chuckles] You and me, finally gonna be official.
 * Brenda: I'm so happy, the Gods put our packages together.
 * Frank: It's because, we belong together.
 * Brenda: It's like, we were made for each other.
 * Frank: I can't wait just finally get up in there, just raw-dog it. But full disclosure, I'm pretty freaking nervous about this. I don't know how well, I'm gonna perform once it happens. I've obviously never been in a bun, so. [laughs]
 * Brenda: Hey, I'm not gonna be any better. I've never opened up. I mean, look how tight I am.
 * Frank: Oh, my freaking freak Look, okay. I know it's against the rules. But, I can't wait anymore. I need to just feel you.
 * Brenda: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
 * Frank/Brenda: Just the tips?
 * Brenda: I can't believe we're doing this.
 * Frank: I know. We're so naughty.
 * [Frank and Brenda are about to touch the tips but then stop]
 * Brenda: But it's fine, right? I mean, nothing bad's ever happened from just the tips.
 * Frank: No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
 * [Frank and Brenda then touch the tips]
 * Frank & Brenda: Ah.
 * Frank: Ooh. Oh yeah, go in there.
 * Brenda: Ooh. Big tip.
 * Frank: Oh, you wouldn't dare.


 * Douche: [rushes to the shopper] No, no, no. Wait, babe, wait. Please hold up. No, don't go. Come on. I can still get up in there! I could still... get up in there. Oh, my God! My nozz! My poor freaking nozz!
 * Frank: You okay?
 * Brenda: I think so.
 * Douche: Yo, did you two do this to me?! Are you two responsible for my nozzle being irrepressibly messed up?!
 * Frank: Whoa, whoa, easy, man. Easy.
 * Brenda: Yeah, your nozzle's bent. Sorry. But, you know, you should be happy you're alive.
 * Frank: Yeah, Banana's whole face peeled off, Peanut Butter's wife is dead, look at him, he's right there!
 * Peanut Butter: Jelly! I'm gonna fix you. I'm gonna fix this.
 * Douche: You think I give a fuck about PB (Peanut Butter) or J (Jelly)? Fuck this! Imma kick your ass. How you like them apples?
 * Apple: Who, us?
 * Douche: No, not you. Come at me, bros.
 * Frank: Come at you? What does that mean?
 * Douche: Fine. You won't come at me? Well then, guess who's comin' to you. Me!


 * [Frank enters Firewater's cave and finds Firewater himself chanting "Hi ya. How are ya?" at a fire. Firewater stops when he sees Frank.]
 * Firewater: Hi ya. How are ya?
 * Frank: Hi ya. How are ya? Uh, I'm Frank. Are you... Firewater?
 * Firewater: Mmm-hmm.
 * Frank: What are you doing in this cave?
 * Firewater: I am the original inhabitant of this land. My kind once had a pristine aisle, majestic and untouched. Then we were driven out of it... by a bunch of god damn crackers!
 * Frank: Oh, yeah. The crackers. They do have a nice aisle. Okay, anyway, look, I was told that you might have some answers.
 * Firewater: Answers I have, but first... [throws salt into the fire, conjuring an image of a question mark] I must know the question.
 * Frank: Okay, well, before I saw him jump to his death, Honey Mustard said that the Great Beyond is bogus and the gods are monsters, and I always kinda thought that it didn't quite add up. So, I guess my question is what really happens in the Great Beyond?
 * Firewater: [after smoking a hit in a kazoo] To find that which you seek, all you must do is look deep... into my Bag of Wonderment. [pulls out a large sack]
 * Frank: Whoa.... [looks into the bag] I don't see anything.
 * Firewater: Deeper, deeper, deeper... [Frank leans closer into the bag] Put your whole head in the bag there. There you go.
 * Frank: Just say when, I'm just gonna keep going in.
 * [Suddenly Frank falls into the bag and everything is pitch black except for his eyes]
 * Firewater: Guys, get out here! Help me kill this prick!
 * Mr. Grits: Damn, this motherfucker knows too much! We gotta off his ass!
 * Firewater: Someone hand me a blade! I'll gut this bastard!
 * Twink: No! If we kill him, we are no better than the gods!
 * Firewater: Oh, he's right. Take off the Bag of Wonderment.
 * [Frank is released from the bag]
 * Frank: Who are you?
 * Mr. Grits: We the "Noon" perishables, motherfucker.
 * Twink: We never expire.
 * Firewater: We are.... immortal. This here's Twink. And Grits.
 * Mr. Grits: They call me Mr. Grits.
 * Firewater: Yeah, Mr. Grits. Whatever.
 * Mr. Grits: Tell him about the crackers?
 * Firewater: Yeah, I told him about the crackers. [to Frank] You don't even wanna hear what they did to Mr. Grits over here. [shudders]
 * Mr. Grits: Fucking crackers... I'm gonna freak them crackers! Right in the crack of their cracker assess! Cracker Ass crackers!
 * Frank: Why were you gonna kill me? I mean, all I did was happens in the Great Beyond! Geez! What's the big whoop?
 * [the Nonperishables huddle up]
 * Mr. Grits: We can't tell this sausage-ass motherfucker the truth! We just met his ass!
 * Twink: He basically knows it already. Maybe it's... it's time to end this.
 * Firewater: I am tired of all the lies. Prepare yourself, for you're about to learn... the terrible truth. Does anybody wanna hit before we get into this? Twink?
 * Twink: Nah, I'm cool.
 * Mr. Grits: Shit, if we smokin', I'll hit it.
 * Firewater: That's what I thought.
 * Mr. Grits: Pass the weed, motherfucker. [takes a hit of Sativa] Goddamn. [coughs two times] Whoo, whoo! This indica?
 * Firewater: Nah, man. Sativa! Good shit, clean high.
 * Frank: [Mr. Grits hands him the kazoo] Oh, no thanks.
 * Firewater: Trust me. What's you're about to hear, you'll want some.
 * [Frank gulps and takes a big hit of Sativa and coughs nonstop]


 * [Teresa Del Taco has Brenda, Lavash, and Sammy hide in the Mexican Bar's tight closet with her]
 * Tequila: [walks inside] Alright, I got'em right here amigo. I-- Crap! [finds that Lavash, Sammy and Brenda have disappeared]
 * Lavash: [squeezed in the closet with Sammy Bagel Jr.] Get your nose out of my crotch!
 * Sammy Bagel Jr.: "Get my nose out of your crotch?" Get your crotch off my nose!
 * Brenda: Hey, why are we hiding?
 * Teresa: Shh! Cállate! He's coming.
 * Brenda: Who?
 * Teresa: The one they call... El Dou-che.
 * [Douche enters the bar; all the Mexican food products are frightened]
 * Mexican Food Product 1: [quietly] El Dou-che.
 * Mexican Food Product 2: [quietly] El Dou-che!
 * Mexican Food Product 3: [quietly] El Dou-che!
 * Douche: What gives, bro? You told me you had them. So you dragged me over to this fucking aisle with these illegal products, and now I don't see them. So where the fuck are they? Spill the beans!
 * Refried Beans: Que?
 * Douche: Beans, I swear to fucking God if you don't shut the fuck up!
 * Brenda: [looks out from the closet] Oh no! He's back! Where's Frank?
 * Tequila: They were just here!
 * Douche: What part of "I want the sausage and the bun dead, and if you see them, come and get me, and if I find out that you didn't come and get me or just couldn't find them good enough, I'll fucking kill your assess" did you not understand, Tequila?
 * Tequila: Well, it's a pretty confusing sentence to be honest with you, you know. I mean, this is... uh, this happens, you know...
 * Douche: [calms down] Ah, bro, c'mere, ah, it's fine, it's cool. No biggie! I'm not gonna do something so fucked up to you now as soon as I get you in close. Come here. [grabs Tequila and shatters him]
 * Salsa: No way! Jose!
 * Douche: YES WAY! Jose's fuckin' dead, yo! [drinks Tequila's fluids, causing him to turn green and grow stronger muscles]
 * Teresa Del Taco: [watches Douche drink Tequila's fluids] Puta Madre! Puta Madre!
 * [Douche throws Tequila's cap into El Guaco's crotch]
 * El Guaco: Ay! right in my guac and balls!
 * Douche: And the same thing's gonna happen to all of you unless you find the sausage and the bun!


 * [in the Nonperishables' cave, Frank is still coughing after taking a big hit of Sativa]
 * Firewater: It's good shit, isn't it?
 * Frank: [coughs] Okay, okay, I'm super baked, and my friends are probably wondering where the hell I am. Will somebody please just tell me something already?
 * Firewater: [Takes a hit of Sativa from the Kazoo] Okay. The thing about the Great Beyond is... [blows] We invented it!
 * Frank: What?!
 * Firewater: I know, right? As soon as you're out those doors, the gods kill our assess.
 * Frank: What are you, crazy? That doesn't make any sense! Why would the gods wanna kill us? It makes no sense.
 * Firewater: Uh, because it makes them stronger. Every kill gives 'em power and it's never enough. Over the years, they've grown bigger, stronger, fatter. Their hunger's insatiable, buddy! I mean, fuck!
 * Frank: You guys are fucking nuts. How much of that shit have you been smoking? Too fucking much, is how much.
 * Firewater: We blaze for real, 24/7, no joke, but we also know our shit. Before us, everyone knew the awful truth. (an animated flashback of Shopwell's dark times in the past, showing many foods are helpless upon being bought by human customers that looked horrifying and demonic)  Oh, how they screamed. It was a living nightmare. So we, the Nonperishables, created a story: the story of the Great Beyond, a place where the gods care for you and all your wildest and wettest dreams would come true. They would go out those doors happy, instead of shitting themselves.
 * Frank: Wait, wait. So you're telling me you wrote the song.
 * Firewater: I can't take full credit. I wrote the music. Twink here is my lyricist. We both drop it right and drop it all the time. Boom! The melody came to me one night, when I was getting super, super, super baked, like fuck-a-guy baked. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, he does. The song had a great hook, it caught on, you know. In time, everyone accepted this false truth. But over the years, things started to get a little... funky. The aisles started changing my verses to support their own views. Messing with Twink's tight-butt lyrics, remixing my stuff without my permish. Now, every morning, when I hear the song, I'm like, "What the fuck are you guys saying? I mean, wasn't there a part today about exterminating juice? I didn't write that shit! I love juice! Always have! Juice are hilarious! Who the fuck do these guys think they are?!" Anyway, at least it's distracting them from the truth: that they get brutally devoured.
 * Frank: So that means Carl & Barry are dead?
 * Firewater: I don't know who those dudes are, but if they went out those doors?
 * Grits: [smoking Sativa from the pipe] Dead [coughs] as a motherfucker. [coughs]
 * Frank: Oh, God. If what you're saying is true, I-I gotta tell everybody.
 * Firewater: Very noble, little sausage. But also very pointless. No one will believe you.
 * Frank: I have to try. Everyone will die otherwise.
 * Firewater: Huh yeah, that's a good point. Fuck me, right?
 * Frank: Wait! You guys have any proof of this?
 * [Firewater and Grits turn to Twink who walks up to Frank]
 * Twink: Go to the dark aisle, beyond the ice.
 * Frank: Why? What's in that aisle?
 * Twink: Oh you'll see. But I warn you: Once you see that shit, it'll fuck you up for life. Good luck! Have fun! [Kisses Frank on the lips and runs off laughing]
 * [Frank then leaves]
 * Firewater: Hey, Grits, pack another bowl will ya? I'm a-hankering for a hunk of herb.


 * [At Camille Toh's house, Camille enters her kitchen with bags of Groceries, humming. She places the bags on her kitchen counter and looks down at her Camel Toe]
 * Camille Toh: Shit. [unhinges her Camel Toe] Oh, I really needed that Douche.
 * Carl: Holy Shit, we're actually here! C'mon, Barry, you're missing it man. Dude, get in on this shit.
 * Barry: God, what have I done? Frank needed my help, but I wasn't there for him. After all the times he stood up for me, you know. God, I'm such a fearful coward. He'll never forgive me. I'll never forgive me.
 * Carl: Look, Barry, the only way to respectfully honor Frank... is to completely forget about him.
 * Barry: Oh!
 * Carl: And hey for all we know, he's okay! He's probably heading back to our Aisle and he'll be here tomorrow. Just act happy, ignore your feelings. Come on, let's see that smile. [Barry begins to smile] Ah. I see that lip curling up. [Barry bares his teeth with a smile] Oh, there you go! Whoo!
 * Barry: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. We're in the Great Be-friggin-yond. [hollering]
 * [Camille Toh grabs the Sausage package]
 * Troy: Get ready, boys! We's about to fill what we need to fills.
 * [Camille Toh opens the package as Carl sighs loudly and dumps the sausages on the kitchen counter]
 * Troy: Feel that breeze.
 * Barry: Carl, do you feel that?
 * Carl: This feels amazing.
 * Sausage: Ow!
 * [Camille Toh then opens a bag of Tortilla Chips and pours them in a bowl]
 * Tortilla Chip: Whoo-hoo!
 * [Camille removes the plastic off a block of Cheddar Cheese]
 * Cheddar Cheese: Oh yeah. [rubs his cheeks]
 * Barry: We're out of the package.
 * Carl: It's beautiful, man. It's just beautiful! [gaze upon the kitchen] I'm crying! I'm crying 'cause it's so pretty here!
 * Barry: Stretch your legs with me, Carl. Just do it man.
 * [Camille Toh picks up an Irish Potato]
 * Irish Potato: Oh, ho, ho, yes. Yes! I'm the first to enter eternity.
 * Carl: Oh! Potato, way to go buddy! That's my guy!
 * [The groceries watch and cheer as Irish Potato gets washed by Camille]
 * Irish Potato: Being bathed by the hands of a God.
 * [Baby Carrots and the other foods cheer for the Potato]
 * Irish Potato: Oh Danny Boy, The pipes, the pipes are call... [Camille suddenly slices his stomach off with a vegetable peeler] OH JESUS FUCK! [The groceries gasp as Camille continues peeling the Potato's skin off] OH GOD, ME SKIN! SHE'S PEELING ME FUCKING SKIN!
 * Carl: What...the...FUCK?!
 * Irish Potato: [last words before his death] JESUS, YOU FUCKING WHORE! [Camille Toh opens the lid from a pot and a cloud of steam escapes, blinding the Potato's eyes] ME EYES! THEY BURN! [Camille Toh throws Irish Potato into the water and he drowns]
 * Italian Tomato: [last words before his death] No, please-a no! I've-a got-a famiglia! [Camille Toh slams the knife down on the Italian Tomato, slicing him in half]
 * Groceries: [Screaming]
 * [Four bacon strips are tossed into pan full of boiling oil to fry them (with one's eye that violently pops), a lettuce has his eyes gouged by Camille's thumbs as he gets torn apart, a loaf of bread is being slice apart and the block of cheddar cheese is having his head grated]
 * Cheddar Cheese: [last words before his death] NO! NO!
 * [Below the Cheddar Cheese are the Tortilla Chips screaming as shredded cheese falls on them]
 * Carl: CHEESE! YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT!
 * [Camille then places the bowl with the Tortilla Chips into a microwave, closes the door and they are microwaved alive with heated grated cheese as it burns through their cooked corpses. A wine bottle grunts in pain as his wooden cap is being screwed in and Camille yanks it off and Wine splatters on Troy and two sausages behind her.]
 * Troy: Oh no!
 * Buns: [screaming]
 * Carl: No!
 * [Barry closes his eyes while Carl watches in horror as Camille Toh dumps a bunch of screaming Baby Carrots into a bowl but two miss]
 * Baby Carrot: FOR THE LOVE OF SHIT, RUN!
 * [They begin to run]
 * Camille Toh: [humming, then turns around and notices the Baby Carrots about to fall off the counter] Oops.
 * [The Baby Carrots jump off the counter, but Camille Toh catches them]
 * Baby Carrot: [last words before her death] I WANT MY MOMMY!
 * [Camille Toh puts the Baby Carrots in her mouth and starts chewing them alive.]
 * Carl: THEY'RE EATING CHILDREN!!! FUCKING CHILDREN!!!!! [Sees an open window near the sink] WE GOTTA RUN!
 * Barry: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! [drops to the floor and curls into a ball, clutching himself] WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
 * [Carl returns to him and picks him up]
 * Carl: Barry! [slaps him in the face] Snap the fuck out of it and RUN!
 * [Carl pulls Barry with him and they make a dash towards the open window. They come to a stop when they reach the edge]
 * Carl: Okay, little buddy, jump on the count of three! [Barry nods] One! Two! Thre... [Barry prepares to jump, when he hears Carl groan and getting stabbed off screen] Ugh...
 * Barry: Carl?
 * Carl: [Groaning] BARRY! BA-RRY!
 * Barry: Gar Ba-bar what? What are you saying Carl? [A knife pokes through Carl's stomach] Carl! Oh God, no! CARL!
 * Carl: [Groans]
 * Barry: Oh God. [The knife slices all the way up Carl] CAAAAAARL!
 * Carl: [last words before his death] BAAAARRYYYYYY!
 * [Carl's body splits in two and falls back into the sink]
 * Barry: Carl, dear sweet Carl! What have they done to you, Carl? No! [Barry looks up] WHOA! [He sees that Camille is moving her knife towards him] No! No! No! [Backs away from the knife and falls off the window edge] NOOOOO! AAAAAHHHH!!!


 * Douche: That's no way to treat a lady.
 * Brenda: Oh, freak!
 * Douche: That's right, girl. It's me. And what we got here, a taco?! A whiny doughnut?! [referring to Lavash] Some stupid floppy thing that nobody knows exactly what it is! Okay, so... [A queso cheese comes up behind him]
 * Queso: Did someone say "Queso"?
 * Douche: That's a fucking stretch, and you know it, Queso! [Queso rolls away] So where was I? Oh, right. I was about to beat on you most viciously... and in my opinion appropriately, to find the whereabouts of the sausage who destroyed my body and my... [Brenda rips the sticker off Douche] FREAKING!!!
 * Brenda: Run for your lives!
 * Douche: OHHH, that HURTS so MUCH!


 * [the Druggie has injected bath salts into his bloodstream, making him able to see the food walk and talk]
 * Druggie: [seeing Barry walk] What the fuck?
 * Barry: Uh... hello?
 * [they both scream at each other in fright]
 * Barry: Please don't kill me, please just, just wait!
 * Druggie: What are you? [pokes Barry] Are you some kind of... magical sausage?
 * Barry: Uh, yeah, uh, no, oh, no, I'm just Barry, I'm just Barry! Wait! Wait, you can actually understand me? And I can actually understand you?
 * Druggie: Whoa, the bath salts are showing me the real world. It's freaking lifted the veil of non-reality!
 * Krinkler's Chips: Holy shit! He can actually see us?!
 * Druggie: Bath salts are just as bad as they said it would be! Oh! I'm tweaked! I'M TWEAKING, AAH!
 * Barry: Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude, dude, dude, just take it easy, just breathe, dude, just breathe. You're not tweaking, you're just peaking, man, just be with me. Be cool. This wave's gotta crash.
 * Druggie: I can't! You're all alive and looking at me with your... With your gloves and your, your, your little shoes and your arms and your legs!
 * Pizza: Legs! Huh?! Look at me! Look at me! I ain't got no legs, you fuck! You ate my goddamn legs!
 * Druggie: Oh, no! Not Mr. Pizza! Shit! I've eaten so many of your family members! I've committed pizza genocide! Mr. Sausage, when will it end?!
 * Beer Can: When will it end? When he stops drinking us!
 * Krinkler's Chips and Ticklish Licorice: Yeah!
 * Cookies: And stops eating us!
 * Sandwich: Same here!
 * Pop Tart: Fuck yeah!
 * Toilet Paper: And when he stops using us!
 * Krinkler's Chips: What did he do to you?
 * Toilet Paper: [nervously backs away] You don't wanna fucking know.
 * Druggie: Okay! Okay. Look, I promise. I'll never eat food again, I'll just... so I'll just eat dirt! Wipe my ass with sticks!
 * Barry: Good. And there's one more thing you're gonna do. Take.... me.... home. [points to the Shopwell's bag]
 * Druggie: You got it. I just need to rest my eyes for a... [falls asleep]


 * [Barry, Krinkler's Chips, and Toilet Paper tried to figure out how to get back to Shopwell's]
 * Barry: Shit.
 * Krinkler's Chips: How the fuck does this thing work?
 * Barry: I wish this god would wake up already. How am I supposed to get back to Frank?
 * Gum: Perhaps I could be of some assistance.
 * Barry: What? Who the hell is that?
 * Toilet Paper: Oh, only the most intelligent being alive.
 * Gum: I am Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol, Mannitol, Calcium Carbonate, Soy Lecithin, Vegetable-Derived Glycerin and Talc. But for expediency's sake, you can call me... Gum. For 20 years, I was stuck underneath the desk of a brilliant scientist. I was scraped off and discarded, and eventually found myself stuck to a shoe that dropped me here. Your home is a supermarket. This is but one of many as your particular chain of supermarkets is ever-expanding unified by a singular purpose to store food and products for human consumption. The supermarket in the closest physical vicinity to us is here. If the human operates his automotive, the journey should take 9.8 minutes.
 * Barry: Great. That last part was all you had to say, really.


 * [Frank climbs up to one of the shopkeeper counters, holding a page out of the cookbook. He activates the cameras, broadcasting himself to the rest of the store]
 * Frank: Um, friends, ramen, [Ramen look at each other and shrug] Country Club Lemonade.
 * Country Club Lemonade Can: Huh?
 * Frank: Lend me your ears...o-of corn.
 * Corn: [sighs]
 * Frank: I'm Frank, and, a-and I'm a sausage. A little sausage with some pretty big news. Everything we've been led to believe is a lie! When we're chosen by the gods, they're choosing us for death! Murder! Automatic expiration! The Great Beyond is bullshit!
 * Curry Paste: What?!
 * Chunk Munchers Cereal: That's crazy talk!
 * Lettuce: You liar!
 * Frank: I know you don't wanna believe it, but I have proof! [shows the page from the cookbook, depicting a graphic image of a hot dog being eaten]
 * Licorice Rope: What is this!?
 * Relish: It's... It's murder!
 * Sammy Bagel Jr.: Th-this, this makes no sense!
 * Lavash: W-what, what about the extra virgin olive oil?! My flaps will be dry for an eternity! I can't have dry flaps! I can't! [ululates, the other items on the Halal shelf join in; on the Kosher shelf, the food items have turned and are presumed praying, as if they were at the Western Wall]
 * Frank: Okay, whoa, whoa, easy, guys, easy, look, I have a plan! We can run!
 * Ice Cream: I can't run! I'll melt!
 * Frank: Okay, uh-uh, then, then, uh, we'll hide!
 * Bag of Dog Food: Where? I'm huge.
 * Frank: Then we'll fight!
 * Peanut: I ain't fightin' alongside a bunch of fruits!
 * Watermelon: Whatever, you nutjob.
 * Curry Paste: So, we cannot run, we cannot hide, and we cannot stand up to them because they're gods, and they're immortal! So basically, there's no hope, and we're royally fucked!
 * Chunk Munchers Cereal: Hey, guys! You wanna believe that? [referring to cookbook page] Or this? [A Honey Drippers cereal box around turns around, revealing two kids holding up a happy box of the cereal]
 * Watermelon: I don't like bad things.
 * Apple: Me either!
 * Curry Paste: We choose the more pleasant thing!
 * Ice Cream: Yeah, I mean, what this sausage is saying, it's just, uh...a theory!
 * Frank: No, no, no, it's not a theory, you morons. It's a fact! I'm showing you physical evidence. Open your fucking eyes. Don't be so weak.
 * Brenda: Oh, Frank, what are you doing?
 * Refried Beans: You, señor have no bedside manner!
 * Frank: What, I have bedside manner!
 * Frozen Fruitz: You don't respect anyone else's beliefs!
 * Sauerkraut: You intolerant piece of shit!
 * [the clock changes to 7:00 am behind Frank. The lights automatically switch on. Darren walks behind Frank]
 * Frank: No, it's starting! No.


 * Darren: Wait, snap out of it, man! Slap it, slap yourself in the face, man! Oh, man, you lost your mind, is this even, no way, this isn't real now this can't be real.
 * Douche: Oh, it's real, bro.
 * [Darren turns around and points to Douche with a gun]
 * Darren: [gasps in horror] A talking douche!
 * Douche: It's cool, bro. Chill, okay?
 * Darren: No, no, no, this is too much! This is too much. It's too much, breathe, man!
 * Douche: We both want the same thing. Like, I'm feeling honestly the two of us could like collaborate together like a mashup, bro.
 * Darren: A mashup? I-I don't understand. What's happening?
 * Douche: You don't need to understand. [Douche unzips Darren's zipper and goes inside his pants.] You just need to relax and open wide.
 * Darren: Wait, what are you, what are you doing?!
 * [Douche sticks his nozzle up Darren's anus, causing him to groan]
 * Douche: Oh, yeah!
 * Darren: Dude, that went up my ass!
 * Douche: [laughs] Now, stand up!


 * Douche: Look, sausage, I relish the fact that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me! [Relish, Mustard and Ketchup whimper in the corner in sheer terror] Yeah, that's right. Shut your mouths. [laughs madly] I sucked a juicy box's duck, and I'm shoved up a god's butthole, and this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro!
 * [Douche eats a chunk out of Frank's torso, making him scream in pain]
 * Brenda: Oh, my God! Frank!
 * Douche: I'll tell you who eats shit! Gods do, bro! I'm a fuckin' god!
 * Darren: [last words before his death] Goodbye, little sausage. [Aims his magnum at Frank, preparing to shoot him]
 * Brenda: Oh, Frank!
 * Teresa: Hey, bun. Need a boost?
 * [Darren tries to shoot Frank]
 * Frank: Help me!
 * Gum: Perhaps I could be of some assistance.
 * [Gum moves toward Darren as he then shoots at Gum, which blasts a hole in his head and seemingly kills him. The wound then regenerates similar to the T-1000 from Terminator 2]
 * Gum: Matter cannot be created or destroyed, human. You have made a fatal error in judgment. Let me educate you.
 * [Cut to Barry, who is standing on a makeshift cart that is being powered by propane tanks, but is held in place. Barry then gives the signal for two bags of flour to drop down to release the cart from its position and it accelerates towards Darren as Douche and Frank then see it approaching]
 * Douche: Fuck!
 * [Frank kicks Douche's eyes with his feet and he jumps. Brenda is able to swing him to safety onto the 4th of July sale shelf. Darren sees Barry on the cart that is currently speeding towards him as he fires at Barry, who dodges the bullet in a Matrix style. The cart hits Darren, which traps him inside the trash can]
 * Douche: What's happening out there?!
 * Barry: Now!
 * [Various foods set up a bunch of boards in a curved direction to turn the cart onto a designated path]
 * Coconut Milk: So long, asshole!
 * [The cart then passes by Sammy Bagel Jr. and Kareem Abdul Lavash, who are holding matches to ignite the propane tanks, which causes the cart to then blast off as a couple of food items then set up a ramp which sends the cart flying through the roof of Shopwell's and into the sky. There, the propane tanks detonate into fireworks, which kills Darren and Douche, causing blood to drop from the sky. The foods in the store cheer after witnessing the death of Darren and Douche. An eyeball lands in the peanut aisle.]
 * Peanut: [While holding one of Darren's eyeballs in victory] Yeah!
 * Barry: It's over. We won. We fuckin' won! [laughs triumphantly]
 * [all the food in the store cheer in triumph]
 * Tampon: Ew. [as she steps into a drop of Darren's blood, causing her to bulk up due to absorbing a lot of the blood, and roars victoriously]


 * [last scene; Frank and his friends head to the garbage room and find Firewater]
 * Firewater: Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible. And for that, I give you mad props. But now that you have shattered one truth, it is time for you to learn that we are not real! Booga-booga-booga!
 * Gum: While tripping balls, Firewater made an important metaphysical breakthrough.
 * Firewater: The world is a total illusion, bro. Our lives have been manipulated for the entertainment of monsters. Twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters! Puppet masters in another dimension. We're something called... cartoons.
 * [everyone else gasps in shock]
 * Frank: What?
 * Firewater: You, Frank, are the plaything of a demented, sloppy Jewish actor named [throws salt into the fire; conjuring an image of Seth Rogen's face] Seth Ro-gan.
 * Frank: Wait, I'm Jewish?
 * Sammy Bagel Jr.: So... who am I?
 * Gum: You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named [Firewater conjures up an image of Edward Norton's face] Edward Norton.
 * Sammy Bagel Jr. Edward Norton? What kind of parent gives their kid a stupid cunt name like that?
 * Gum: Worry not, friends. I have a solution.
 * [Firewater turns a dial, activating a portal]
 * Gum : I have invented a stargate device that will allow us to travel to our dimension.
 * Firewater: Fuck yeah, he did! And it's dope. This guy's smart, like, fuck-a-guy smart! Know what I'm saying? Yeah, you do. Anyway, we're gonna go to this other dimension, and cut the strings once and for all! Anybody want a hit before we do this?
 * Frank: You ready to get baked and walk through Gum's stargate with me?
 * Brenda: As long as we're together, I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
 * [Frank and Brenda smoke marijuana from the kazoo and the main characters hold hands together and walk through the portal]

Taglines

 * Get Your Fill!
 * Your Food is Revolting.
 * Watch what you eat.
 * A hero will rise. (Frank tagline)
 * He's a real douche (Douche tagline)
 * Always use condiments (Honey Mustard tagline)
 * She's got buns, son (Brenda tagline)
 * Mazel Tov! (Barry tagline)
 * Check out his "O" face (Sammy Bagel Jr. tagline)
 * Wrap that ass (Kareem Abdul Lavash)
 * She's down with beef or fish (Teresa Del Taco tagline)
 * Baked and fried (Druggie tagline)
 * Jerkin' and clerkin' (Darren tagline)
 * Macerated and educated (Gum tagline)
 * His cork is huge (Firewater tagline)
 * Check out his package (Mr. Grits tagline)
 * Bun Worshiper (Carl tagline)

Main Cast

 * Michael Cera — Barry
 * James Franco — Druggie
 * Bill Hader — Firewater/Tequila/El Guaco
 * Salma Hayek — Teresa Del Taco
 * Jonah Hill — Carl
 * Anders Holm — Troy
 * Nick Kroll — Douche
 * David Krumholtz — Kareem Abdul Lavash
 * Danny McBride — Honey Mustard
 * Edward Norton — Sammy Bagel Jr.
 * Craig Robinson — Mr. Grits
 * Seth Rogen — Frank/Sergeant Pepper
 * Paul Rudd — Darren
 * Kristen Wiig — Brenda

Minor Cast

 * Scott Underwood — Gum/Pizza/Twink/Krinkler's Chips
 * Alistair Abell — Mariachi Salsa/Gefilte Fish
 * Iris Apatow — Grape 3/Berry Good Candies/Coconut Milk
 * Sugar Lyn Beard — Baby Carrot/Cookies
 * Ian James Corlett — Apple/Ticklish Licorice/Bag of Dog Food/Relish
 * Michael Daingerfield — Chunk Munchers Cereal/Lightbulb/Indian Chutney
 * Brian Dobson — Italian Tomato/Lettuce
 * Michael Dobson — Queso
 * Ian Hanlin — Beet
 * Maryke Hendrikse — Loretta Bun/Popped Cherry Mixer/Plum 1/Frozen Fruitz
 * Lauren Miller-Rogen — Camille Toh/Tampon
 * Nicole Oliver — Watermelon/Female Shopper 1/Sally Bun/Ice Cream
 * Kelly Sheridan — Female Shopper 2/Roberta Bun/Grape 2
 * Jason Simpson — Plum 2/Fat Guy/Fit Man/Beer Keg
 * Greg Tiernan — Irish Potato/Noodle Soup
 * Vincent Tong — Pislitz Chips/Juicebox/Jamaican Rum
 * Conrad Vernon — Sauerkraut/Grape 1/Toilet Paper/Beer Can/Catcall Sausage/Pop Bottle
 * Samuel Vincent — Old Pork Sausage/Sandwich/Pop-Tart/Licorice Rope/Refried Beans
 * Harland Williams — Ketchup/Drug Dealer/Baba Ganoush