Saved by the Bell

Saved by the Bell was a popular teen sitcom which ran from 1989 to 1993 and built a large, loyal fanbase. Its original incarnation, Good Morning, Miss Bliss (1987), starred Hayley Mills as the goodnatured Miss Carrie Bliss.

Dancing to the Max [1.1]

 * Zack: Come on Jessie, there's lots of guys taller than you.
 * Jessie: Name one.
 * Zack: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?


 * Zack: Jessie, I'm in big trouble.
 * Jessie: What did you do, sell your parents' house again?


 * Danny: Jessie, would you like to be my dance partner in the contest?
 * Jessie: (Standing up) I'd love to...(Seeing how short Danny is) but I don't believe in dance contests.


 * Screech: (To the doll he was dancing with after being turned down by Lisa) It's all your fault, I told you to let me lead!


 * Casey Kasem: C'mon, everybody, let's do the... the.. the Sprain!




 * Kelly: What happened to you?
 * Lisa: I kicked the TV and sprained my ankle.
 * Jessie: Why?
 * Lisa: I was watching the new Revlon commercial and they discontinued my nail polish.

The Lisa Card [1.2]

 * Zack: This looks like a job for…Zack-man.


 * Lisa: You think I went overboard?
 * Zack: Like the crew of the Titanic.


 * Zack: The moral of the story, gang? Well, it's simple: (Zack shows a credit card with the name Lisa on it) The Lisa Card, don't leave home WITH it.


 * Zack: Screech even sold his body to science.
 * Jessie: Yeah, they gave him twenty dollars to take it back.


 * Zack: We only made $53 selling Lisa's clothes. So, she had to do the most humiliating, insulting, degrading thing possible for her - get a job.
 * Lisa is seen waiting tables at The Max
 * Customer: Miss, this isn't what I ordered. You were supposed to toast my buns!
 * Lisa: You want toasted buns? Go sit on a microwave!
 * Lisa drops tray
 * Lisa: I'm sorry, Max.
 * Max: That's okay. It's only the third tray you've dropped. Don't worry about it.
 * Zack: How's she doing? Let me put it another way: If Lisa were a car, she'd be recalled.


 * Slater: I'm confused, sir. You know, maybe I'm just trying too hard to get girls to like me.
 * Mr. Belding: Hey, now I can identify with that. This may come as a surprise to you, but when I was your age, I wasn't... well, you know... the hunk I am now!
 * Slater: I can't believe this, sir! No, I thought you were Stud City!
 * Mr. Belding: Everybody thinks that!


 * Zack: ... Kelly got B's, and her parents got her ice cream. (looks at report card) I haven't figured out WHAT to buy my parents yet.

The Gift [1.3]

 * Zack: A bad day at Bayside and not a vacation in sight. Now is time for midterms and the worst of them all is history with...
 * Zack{booming voice}: Terrible Testaverde!
 * Students in passageway flee in panic. Lisa appears with donuts as she is overeating due to nervousness
 * Lisa: Zack Morris, do not mention that man's name!
 * Zack: Oh you mean Terrible...UMPH!
 * Lisa shoves donut in Zack's mouth
 * Lisa: Here, have a donut. Have some more...no wait, I need the rest!


 * Students are about to take midterm monitored by Mr. Belding, who was fooled by a fake call from Zack. Mr. Testaverde comes in the classroom dressed in overalls
 * Mr. Testaverde: Where's the flood?
 * Mr. Belding: George?! What are you doing here?
 * Mr. Testaverde: Well, my loyalty to the school wouldn't let me stay home in time of crisis. Besides, plumbing is my hobby. Where's the flood?
 * Mr. Belding: Flood? What flood?? And what happened to your laryngitis?!
 * Mr. Testaverde: Laryngitis? I don't have laryngitis! And what are you doing here?
 * Mr. Belding: I'm giving your midterm, see?
 * Mr. Belding shows questions to Mr. Testaverde
 * Mr. Testaverde: These are not the questions to my midterm.
 * Mr Belding: These are the questions you called me with.
 * Mr. Testaverde: Richard, you called me.
 * Mr. Belding: No George, you called me.
 * Mr. Testaverde: Wait a minute, you called me George. You always call me George. The person who phoned me called me Mr Testevarde.
 * Mr. Belding: The person who phoned me called me Mr. Belding. But what kind of devious creature would make two fake phone calls?
 * Mr. Belding and Mr. Testaverde have their eyes on the chief suspect, Zack, who buries his head in his hands. The two men walk over to Zack's desk, where Mr. Testaverde places his plumber's helper atop Zack's head and forces him to stand erect and to make eye contact with Mr. Belding. Zack's cell phone rings, which is answered by Mr. Belding
 * Mr. Belding: Zack can't come to the phone right now. He's on his way to pick up his season tickets to detention. If you'd like to leave a message, please wait for the beep.
 * Zack: Beep.


 * Mr. Belding: Screech, your mother called and told me about lightning hitting you. Now, I just want to make sure you're doing alright. Tell me -
 * Screech: 8:30 last night.
 * Mr. Belding: ...when exactly were you struck by lightning? 8:30?
 * Screech: Yeah.
 * Mr. Belding: Are there any -
 * Screech: One.
 * Mr. Belding: ...side effects? Did you say one?
 * Screech: Yeah, but it's a secret. I'm not supposed to tell anyone that I can see the future.
 * Mr. Belding: See the future? Screech, that's -
 * Screech: Preposterous?
 * Mr. Belding: Right.


 * Mr. Belding: Now, where was I?
 * Screech: You were about to say no one has the power to see the future.
 * Mr. Belding: Right, Screech, no one has the power to see the future!
 * Screech: Oops, I'll pick them up!
 * Mr. Belding: Pick what up? (knocks over pencil holder) Uh... Screech, I'm just curious. My mother-in-law is staying with us indefinitely. By any chance, can you tell me -
 * Screech: She'll be gone by Tuesday.
 * Mr. Belding: ALRIGHT!


 * Jessie: You know, you guys, I just remembered; there was one time that I did not get an A. I was in the fourth grade, Mr. Simmons had a nervous breakdown and gave the entire class L's and Q's.
 * Kelly: Why is getting an A so important to you?
 * Jessie: It's not important. Alright, it is. I know it shouldn't be, but I just can't help myself. It's my whole identity.
 * Kelly: What are you talking about?
 * Jessie: Will you stop hollering at me? Everyone's gotta be something, right? She's the fashionable one, you're the popular one and, who am I?
 * Kelly: The wacko one.


 * [Students got slaughtered by Mr. Testaverde's midterm. Test results are in]
 * Kelly: I do not believe this, C-! [Kelly grabs Zack's lapels after he overconfidently claimed he could help her] Zack Morris, I am a forgiving person, but this is going to take a very long time!
 * Jessie: Lisa, what is that funny looking letter next to my name?
 * Lisa: It's a Q, Jessie.
 * Jessie: No, really, really, I can take it. Whatever I got, I deserved. For the first time in my life, I took the easy way out. I'm prepared to face the consequences.
 * Lisa: It's a B, Jessie. [Jessie faints]
 * Screech: Zack, I got an A!
 * Zack: Hey, Screech, how did you do that?
 * Screech: Well, I was seeing so many pictures, I just stayed up all night and went over everything.
 * Zack: Ohh, you cheated! You studied!
 * Slater: As for me, D+, and now we go to the bottom of the barrel, Zack Morris, F- for scamming. I get back my bomber jacket, and you can use your cellular phone to order me a pizza.
 * [the class departs the room, except for Zack, who calls the pizzeria]
 * Zack: Yes, I would like to order a large pizza. For toppings, I would like mushrooms, anchovies, and the hottest peppers you can find!

Fatal Distraction [1.4]

 * Kelly: So many boys, so little time.

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 * Zack: Kelly.
 * Kelly: Hi Zack.
 * Zack: So Kel, big dance Friday night, huh?
 * Kelly: I haven't asked anyone yet, Zack.
 * Zack: Really? Well, I just want you to know that I'm keeping my calendar clear, you know what I mean?
 * Kelly: I know what you mean. You want me to ask you?
 * Zack: You could do worse.
 * Slater: She could do better... a lot better.

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 * Zack: Mr. Belding... quick! You gotta help me! My life is being threatened by one of your students!
 * Mr. Belding: Just one? You're losing your touch, Zack. Calm down. Just tell me who's threatening you.
 * Zack: Kelly "The Killer" Kapowski.
 * Mr. Belding: Kelly Kapowski?
 * Zack: Yes.
 * Mr. Belding: Excuse me for a minute.
 * [turns head to laugh]
 * Mr. Belding: [still snickering] What's she gonna do? Spike you to death with a volleyball?

Screech's Woman [1.5]

 * Slater: (on realizing Zack is Bambi) Preppy, is that you? NIIIICEEE legs.

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 * Screech: No, actually, you've helped me. You've made me realize that there are a million fish in the sea and I'm just the worm to attract them.

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 * Zack: What's she doing here?
 * Lisa: I went over to Jessie's and said, "Jessie, I need to borrow your color wheel." Jessie said, "Why?" I said, "Zack needs it." She said, "Why?" And so I told her and she said ...
 * Jessie: Why, I wouldn't miss this for the world.

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 * Zack: Do you think I want to dress up as a girl?

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 * [Jessie hands Zack a shaver]
 * Zack: (touching his face) I don't need to shave.
 * Jessie: Your legs.

Aloha Slater [1.6]

 * Slater: What's happening here, Screech? Nobody wants me around anymore.
 * Screech: Can you blame them, Brillo head?

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 * Screech: Hey, Zack, Slater isn't that great. You could do that too if you had muscles.

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 * Slater: Did they really say that (call him a "chauvinistic, musclebound meathead")?
 * Screech: Hey, would I have the guts to make it up?

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 * Teacher: Hey! This is Study Hall, not Soul Train!

The Substitute [1.7]

 * Mr. Crane: Everyone tell me your names...
 * Screech: I'm Screech.
 * Slater: I'm Slater.
 * Kelly: (dreamily) I'm yours.
 * Zack: I'm bummed!

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 * Mr. Crane (as Romeo): With love's light wings did I o'erperch these walls. For stony limits cannot hold love out. And what love can do, that dares love attempt.
 * Kelly (as Juliet): If my kinsmen see thee, they will murder thee.
 * Slater: Go kinsmen!

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 * Zack: Oh to be that straw sitting in my lady's cup! Gladly would I be made of plastic and risk drowning in a sea of cola to touch fair Kelly's lips.

Cream for a Day [1.8]

 * Coburn: All right. Now, what about my 10 bucks?
 * Zack: [hands him a 10] Oh, yeah, here you go.
 * Coburn: Hey, wait a minute, Jason Bateman's not on a $10 bill.
 * Zack: Oh, you noticed.

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 * Zack: Did you wash your face today?
 * Screech: Why would I do that during the week?

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 * Screech: Zack! My worst nightmare has come true!
 * Zack: You found out that ALF is a puppet.
 * Screech: He is??!!

Pinned to the Mat [1.9]

 * Kelly: I'm kinda thinking about being a housewife or an actress. Do you think I'd be a good actress, Zack?
 * Zack: Every night you star in my dreams!

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 * Needik: Where's Slater?
 * Screech: I killed him! I wanted first crack at you!

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 * Slater: Screech, what are you doing?
 * Screech: Cruising for chicks.
 * Slater: In the boys' locker room?

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 * Screech: (to Needik) Your mom's ugly, your dad's ugly and your dog's ugly!

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 * Screech: (to Slater) Don't talk about his dog!

Beauty and the Screech [1.10]

 * Zack: I like school. It's a good way to kill time between weekends. It gives me five days to plan my Saturday night.

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 * Mr. Belding: Screech you can't elope!
 * Screech: Who are you calling cantaloupe, you melon head?!

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 * Kelly: Okay, so when do we start?
 * Screech: Well, tonight, but it has to be at my place. I'm not allowed out after ALF.

The Friendship Business [1.11]

 * Max: How about four friends, with a Screech on the side?

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 * Mr. Tuttle: You gave away your inventory? The goal of this project is to run a successful business.
 * Zack: We'd rather be friends.
 * Mr. Tuttle: I see.
 * Lisa: So, we're ready for whatever grades you wanna give us.
 * Jessie: But please don't make it too low. I hyperventilate.
 * Mr. Tuttle: Ms. Spano, raise that chin. [as the students hum the Battle Hymn of the Republic before the song itself is heard in the background] If you learn that it was a mistake for a company to be cold, calculating, and cutthroat, if you learned that it's better to be happy, healthful, and humane, why, then you've learned the best business lesson of all! You all get an A!
 * [Zack and his friends all cheer and high five]

The Mamas and the Papas [1.12]

 * Zack: So I can watch The Young and the Restless.
 * Jessie: It's more The Blonde and the Useless.

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 * Screech: You homewrecker! Stay away from my mommy!
 * Slater: She's not your mommy!
 * Screech: Is that true, daddy?
 * Zack: I'm not your daddy!
 * Screech: I'm an orphan.

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 * Jessie: Slater, haven't you heard of the Women's Movement?
 * Slater: Sure...Put on something cute and MOVE it into the kitchen.

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 * Lisa: Lisa no en casa.
 * Screech: I love it when you speak German!

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 * Jessie: Slater, since we both work we should share the household chores.
 * Slater: Sure, you cook and I'll eat

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 * Jessie: You macho pig!
 * Slater: Oink oink, baby!

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 * Mr. Belding: Do you boys take these girls to be your school wives?
 * Zack: Oh, you bet!
 * Slater: I guess.
 * Screech: WHA-HOO!
 * Mr. Belding: That's what Mrs. Belding said when we got married. Girls?
 * Kelly: I do.
 * Jessie: I do.
 * Lisa: I don't.

The Election [1.13]

 * Mr. Dewey: You make light of algebra now, but when you're all grown up and your friends are making logarithm jokes at cocktail parties, you won't have a clue as to what everybody's laughing at.

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 * Lisa: On behalf of the new student body president: Jessica Myrtle Spano!
 * Class: Myrtle???

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 * Jessie: I'm interested in the student body.
 * Zack: I'm interested in a student body... (looks at Kelly) Hers.

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 * Jessie (on Zack's propaganda video): That made a mocracy of demockery!

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 * Lisa (on Jessie's campaign for school president): I'm going to tell you this as gently as I can - you're going down the toilet.

The Zack Tapes [1.14]

 * Zack: Mr. Belding, I want to give you a peace offering. Here is California Girls by the Beach Boys.
 * Mr. Belding: I already have that album, Zack!
 * Zack: Uh, this one has, uh, been remixed with...Dolby sound!
 * Mr. Belding: Well, OK, but you are still on the hook for meeting with your mother tomorrow.
 * Later when reciting subliminal messages
 * Zack{on tape}: Zack Morris is a good kid.
 * Zack{on tape}: Zack Morris is a great guy.
 * Zack{on tape}: Zack Morris is the son I've never had.

<hr width=50%/> (reciting a subliminal message from a tape)
 * Kelly: He is the kind of boy every girl dreams of.
 * Kelly and Jessie: Great looking, smart and funny. Yes, that's Zack Morris.

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 * Zack (on tape): Zack Morris is a ten.
 * Kelly: Ha! Two fives is more like it!
 * Lisa (subliminally tricked into falling for Screech): I'm stuck with three and seven left over.

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 * Zack (on tape): Zack Morris is a blonde Tom Cruise.

King of the Hill [1.15]

 * Mr. Belding: [while putting on buttoned sweater] I'm taking a different approach with you, Zack.
 * Zack: [observes Belding's sweater] So you're gonna be "Mr. Rogers"?
 * Mr. Belding: You're in the neighborhood.

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 * Zack: Alright, maybe the first day didn't turn out as I planned, but hey, I'm just warming up. I love school. Too bad classes get in the way.

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 * Mr. Dewey: O.K., settle down, everyone. I'm Mr. Dewey. How was everyone's summer? Mine stunk. Let's get started.

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 * Zack: We weren't arguing.
 * Slater: We were doing a math problem, how two and one won't go.
 * Mr. Dewey: I don't believe it and I don't care. I'm tired, I have a toothache and I have to go home and pump iron.

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 * Zack: Hi, you're new here. I'm Zack Morris.
 * Slater: And I'm Roger Rabbit, so what?

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 * Slater: (to Kelly) (putting onion ring on her finger) I think we're engaged.
 * Kelly: I think I'm gonna cry.
 * Zack: That makes two of us.

Save That Tiger [1.16]

 * Mr. Belding: I didn't start it; you started when you planted poison ivy on our football field.
 * Mr. Stingwell: That was kind of rash, wasn't it?

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 * Slater: We pumped helium in Valley's music room. Now their Glee Club sounds like the Chipmunks.
 * [he, Zack, and Screech inhale helium from balloons]
 * Zack, Slater & Screech: [higher-pitched voices] Oh when the saints come marching in!

The Prom [2.1]

 * Zack: Every time I call her she's washing her hair! Who washes their hair six times a day?
 * Slater: You do!

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 * Mr. Belding: Now Zack, I know that you and Lisa are in charge of decorations, but this year's theme is not going to be (holds up a banner) Zack and Kelly's Prom!

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 * Jessie: I think it's reverse macho pigism and I don't like it.

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 * Kelly: (sadly) This is the first time I ever lied to my father.

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 * Screech: Forget going to the prom! We're through!
 * Lisa: Wait a minute. You're not supposed to dump me. I'M supposed to dump YOU!

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 * Lisa: I have a map of every mall from here to Tijuana.

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 * Alan: Hey stop with the fat jokes or I'll sit on you!
 * Zack: Ooh, this is getting heavy! (mockingly)

Zack's War [2.2]
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 * [Zack and Mr. Belding face each other in an American Gladiators-style joust]
 *  Mr. Belding: I've been waiting for this day, Morris. This one's for you and your sweet little girlfriend Kelly.
 * Chet: Ready?! Go!
 * Zack: Oh, hi, Mrs. Belding.
 * Mr. Belding: [turns around] My wife's here?
 * [Zack knocks him off with his pugil stick]
 * Chet: One second! A new record!

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 * Lisa: By the way, are you married?
 * Chet: By the way, yes.
 * Lisa: By the way, adios!

Save the Max [2.3]

 * Slater: Let's look at the old scoreboard... I mean... hey... it's not THAT old.

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 * Nerd #1: [after hearing Slater on the air] Boy, that guy stinks.
 * Nerd #2: Yeah, somebody should wave a skunk in front of him.

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 * Screech: [sees a picture of the Beatles] Hey, who are the three guys with Paul McCartney?
 * Zack: That's the Beatles, you idiot!
 * Screech: Paul never would've made it if he had stuck with those wimps.

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 * Zack: [on seeing a picture of Mr. Belding mooning the school board in an old school newspaper] Whoa, now there's a side of him I've never seen!
 * Jessie: Well, looks like Mr. Belding was the Zack Morris of the 60s.

Driver's Education [2.4]

 * Mr. Tuttle: Miss Turtle, what is the first thing we do when we get behind the wheel?
 * Lisa: Adjust the mirrors.
 * Mr. Tuttle: Correct. And for what purpose?
 * Lisa: To check my make-up.
 * Mr. Tuttle: Miss Turtle, I suggest you study harder, or start practicing how to say "taxi!"

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 * Zack: Come on, Mr. Tuttle. Any yo-yo can learn how to drive.
 * Mr. Tuttle: Which explains why you're here, Mr. Morris!

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 * Screech: Once, my dad let me back his car out of the garage. Then he got mad at me.
 * Mr. Tuttle: Well Screech, your father was probably just nervous.
 * Screech: Well, he had a right to be - I forgot to open the garage door.
 * Lisa: I hope he had "dork" insurance.

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 * Zack is scheming to frame Slater. He meets Screech in the men's room
 * Zack: Hey, Screech, I told Mr. Belding that you do a great impression of Mr. Turtle and he wants to hear it.
 * Screech {normal voice}: Certainly Zack, what stall is he in?
 * Zack: Not here, you dingbat! gives Screech his cell phone He's in his office waiting for our call. Now pretend you're Mr. Tuttle and ask Belding to get the keys out of the driver's ed car.
 * Principal's office. Mr. Belding picks up phone
 * Mr. Belding: Hello?
 * Screech {impersonating Mr. Tuttle}: Hello Mr. Belding, this is Mr. Tuttle. I need you to do me a favor and get the keys out of the driver's ed car?
 * Mr. Belding: Why can't you do it yourself?
 * Screech: Um, um, I am shaving my body hair so I can swim faster.
 * Zack winces, as does Mr. Belding on other line
 * Mr. Belding: Sorry I asked! All right, Tuttle, I will get the keys out of the car for you. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?
 * Zack: Good, now stall him for five minutes.
 * Zack departs men's room to set scheme in motion
 * Screech: Would you please tell me the long story of how you became a princpal?
 * Mr. Belding: Well, if you insist. The year was 1956. Elvis was king, Eisenhower was in the White House, and I was in kindergarten on a finger painting scholarship. God, I loved those paints!

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 * Mr. Tuttle (after Zack has been caught and forced to reveal his scheme): Wow! Good plan!

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 * Slater: I was in the seat, I'll take the heat.

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House Party [2.5]

 * Maxwell: Here's a buck babe, just for being beautiful.
 * Jessie: Here's a dirty look just for being you.

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 * Slater (assuring Jessie what will happen to her on her date with a geek): Once you go geek, you never go back!

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 * Slater: Hey, Screech. Want me to get you anything? A Coke, some fries...a hot dog?
 * Screech:(crying) Dog? (puts head on table)
 * Zack: So what if they had him since he was a puppy?
 * Screech: (squeaks) Puppy?
 * Jessie: All right, one date. But Nerdstrom better keep his paws to himself!
 * Screech: (wails) Paws!

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 * Mrs. Powers: Zachary?
 * Zack: (jumps up) Yes, Mrs. Powers? (crosses arms)
 * Mrs. Powers: There's something wrong with the statue.
 * Screech: There is?
 * Mrs. Powers: Yes. (turns statue to the kitchen) Elvis likes to face the kitchen so he can watch me cook!

Blind Dates [2.6]

 * Mr. Belding: Penny will meet you at the mall at seven.
 * Zack: Why at the mall?
 * Mr. Belding: Because I don't want you to know where I live.
 * Zack: That's understandable, sir.

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 * Mr. Belding: Another afternoon in detention, number nine in the series...
 * Zack: No, I think that's number eight.
 * Mr. Belding: No, number eight was when you sold the school to the Japanese.
 * Zack: Ahh...What was wrong with Honda High School?

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 * Zack: Screech, I'm going to do you a favor.
 * Screech: Last time you did me a favor, I ended up naked on a bus.
 * Zack: Look, you had a window seat!

Rent-a-Pop [2.7]

 * Zack: Have I ever told you that you are the best Princpal in Bayside, no, make that California?
 * Mr. Belding: Zack, I'm not a matador, so take the bull outside!
 * Jessie: What the little brownnoser is trying to say is we'd like to hold a carnival on school grounds to raise money for the ski trip.
 * Mr. Belding: Good idea, do it! [Students are glad at getting Mr. Belding's approval and depart his office expect for Zack, who is stopped] Zack, I want to talk to you about something else. Do the letters F, F, D and C mean anything to you?
 * Zack: Fine feathered dogs and cats?
 * Mr. Belding: No!
 * Zack: That's OK. I like this game!
 * Mr. Belding: F, F, D & C are your grades in biology, English, geography and math!
 * Zack: I do not believe it...a C? I had no clue I was doing that well in math!
 * Mr. Belding: Zack, you're flunking. I think it's time I met your father.
 * Zack: Hold on, sir. My mother is the one who comes to meet you. After all, she has her own parking space.
 * Mr. Belding: She also has no clue about what kind of a student you really are.
 * Zack: Well, you gotta love her!
 * Mr. Belding: No father, no ski trip!
 * Zack: I want my mommy!

Jessie's Song [2.9]

 * Zack: This week is our geometry midterm. Hey, I'm not worried; I always sit next to smart nerds.

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 * Jessie: [sings] I'm so excited! I'm so excited! [starts to cry] I'm so... scared!

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The Fabulous Belding Boys [2.15]

 * Mr. Belding: Class, this is my brother... Rod Belding.
 * Screech: Wow. A building with two Beldings, one of whom is balding.

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 * Kelly: Where's Rod?
 * Zack: I'll go look for him.
 * Zack proceeds to Mr. Belding's office but stops himself when it looks as if the Belding Brothers are arguing
 * Mr. Belding: I can't believe you're doing this! The class trip leaves in 5 minutes!
 * Rod: If you met this stewardess, you'd know. She's a 10.
 * Mr. Belding: You're doing this to spend time with some stewardess?
 * Rod: This is not just some stewardess. This is Inga and she's only in town for the weekend.
 * Mr. Belding: What am I supposed to say to the students? That you dumped them for a weekend fling?
 * Rod: Of course not! Tell them I'm sick, tell 'em anything. Cover for me!
 * Mr. Belding: I'm tired of covering for you!
 * Rod Belding: Come on, Richard, don't be mad. We're brothers.
 * Mr. Belding{angry tone of voice}: Get out of my school, Rod!
 * Zack ducks behind a row of lockers to avoid being caught. Rod Belding departs the principal's office and walks by annoyed, without taking notice of Zack. Mr. Belding then leaves the principal's office to proceed to the school entrance area
 * Mr. Belding: May I have your attention, please? I have some bad news. My brother Rod cannot take you on the class trip.

(Everyone groans and slater says why not?) Mr. Belding: He has the flu. He's very sorry to dispoint all of you.
 * Slater: I guess we won't be going anywhere now.
 * Zach: Let's go home guys. (They start to leave)
 * Mr. Belding: Hold on, everybody. I may not be a great rafting expert like Rod or even as cool a guy, but I would like to try and take you.

[class is now cheerful]
 * Kelly: Really, Mr. Belding?!
 * Mr. Belding: If you don't mind a leader who can't swim too well! Let's get going!
 * Class proceeds to board buses, as does Mr. Belding, but Zack motions to speak with him in private
 * Zack: Mr. Belding, why didn't you tell them the truth?
 * Mr.Belding: The truth?
 * Zack: About the stewardess? I heard everything.
 * Mr. Belding: I'm sorry you had to hear that. Besides, I know how much you kids looked up to him. Heck, Rod always was the most exciting Belding.
 * Zack: Maybe so, but we got the better Belding.

From Nurse to Worse [2.16]

 * Jennifer: Good morning. My, don't you look nice!
 * Zack: [deep voice] Hey, there, Jennifer.
 * Jennifer: How are you feeling today?
 * Zack: My head is feeling hot.
 * Jennifer: This is a most unusual reaction to a flu shot. Sit down and wait here.
 * [she closes the curtain and departs the station just as Slater arrives; Zack is mistaken by retreating footsteps]
 * Zack: Jennifer, is that you?
 * Slater: [falsetto] Uh-huh.


 * Zack: Jennifer, are you not going to come in?
 * Slater: Nuh-uh.
 * Zack: Fine.
 * [he pulls back the curtain to see Slater]
 * Zack: ACK! What happened to Jennifer?!
 * Slater: Who cares? Take me! I'm yours!
 * Zack: What did you hear?
 * Slater: Enough to destroy your relationship with Kelly! I can strike a deal to keep this between you, me and the curtain if you do something for me.
 * Zack: What?
 * Slater: How would you feel about taking another flu shot?
 * Zack: Deal.
 * [Nurse Butcher enters]
 * Butcher: Okay, which one of you is A.C. Slater?
 * Zack: I am.
 * Butcher: Bend over, Blondie.

The Last Dance [3.1]

 * Slater (to Screech): You are a strange and weird person.
 * Screech: Well, thank you for noticing!


 * Kelly: Can we still be friends?
 * Zack: Forever.

Zack's Birthday [3.2]

 * Zack: Starting today, this is where I work. Pretty nice office, huh? You see, the whole gang landed summer jobs at the Malibu Sands Beach Club, with a little help from Lisa, whose parents are club members. (sighs) Girls on the beach, fun in the sun, money in my pocket. This is gonna be the best summer ever.
 * Leon: (to all his employees, Zack included) I've owned this club for 15 years. So, I know exactly what you new employees expect: girls on the beach, fun in the sun, money in your pocket. You think this is going to be the best summer ever.
 * Zack: (to the home audience) Boy, this guy's really sharp.


 * Stacey: I'm looking for a Leon Carosi.
 * Zack: What do you wanna see that jerk for?
 * Stacey: Because that jerk's my father.

The Aftermath [3.3]

 * Slater (to Zack): Look, Preppy, you can't just spend the rest of your life in your room.
 * Screech: Well, I don't know, Slater. It's a pretty nice room.


 * Kelly: Zack, this is our song, A-12. It's sacred.
 * Zack: No, no, no. A-12 was sacred. Right up until you dumped me for that jerk.
 * Kelly: Don't you dare call him a jerk. You don't even know Jeff, and right now, the only jerk I see is you. (slaps him)
 * Zack (to his date, Kimberly): My gosh, can you believe her? I told her I wanted a strawberry shake instead and she gets all upset.
 * Kimberly: I heard every word, you creep. How dare you use me to get back at your old girlfriend? (throws the milkshake over him)

The Game [3.4]

 * Mr. Carosi (to Gary): Look, I... (double take) you sure are tall, son. Have a roll.
 * Gary: Thanks. I love rolls.
 * Mr. Carosi: Have a dozen.

Fourth of July [3.6]

 * Zack: Stacey, wait! What were you gonna say to me?
 * Stacey: Oh, well, you're...uh...definitely taller than me.

Check Your Mate [3.7]

 * Jessie: Slater, who do you think will come out on top today?
 * Slater: Call it a hunch, but I think Screech is gonna kick that commie's butt!
 * Jessie: Slater, we're on the air. In this age of Glasnost, you don't say "kick the commie's butt"!
 * Slater: Oh, sorry. What I meant was "kick that commie's heiny"!

My Boyfriend's Back [3.8]

 * Kelly (about Mr. Carosi): Maybe he wants to give us a raise!
 * Jessie: Kelly, are you taking stupid pills again? We're lucky he pays us with American money!

Fake I.D. [3.9]

 * [Zack meets a college girl and lies about his age]
 * Slater: [smiling] So what happened, Preppie? Did she turn you down?
 * Zack: Guess again, my high school friend. Danielle my collage friend just asked me to meet her tomorrow night at "The Attic".
 * Screech: Wow, the attic. That is cool. There could be bats up there.
 * Slater: YOU'RE bats, Screech. "The Attic" is an 'over 18' club, and Zack's only 16.
 * Zack: That may be true, Slater. But by tomorrow morning, we'll all be 18.
 * Screech: Oh, no! Mom said I have to move out at 18. I gotta look for a place!

Boss Lady [3.10]

 * Slater (to Stacey after she causes the kithen staff strike): Nice going, Terminator 3.


 * Jessie: Zach, you wouldn't understand. You live in a world of privilege.
 * Zach: And you live next door to me.

Pipe Dreams [3.11]

 * Screech: [to Zack's pet duck] So long, Becky. And remember... [makes quack sounds]
 * Screech: [to Zack] I heard Donald say that to Huey, Dewey, and Louie.
 * Zack: And you're screwy.

The Last Weekend [3.12]
(After Stacey leaves to go back to college)
 * Jessie (to Zack): You need a friend?
 * Zack: Wouldn't hurt.
 * Slater: How about five friends?

The Wicked Stepbrother (1) [3.13]

 * Kelly: Jessie, let's go to the Lost and Found.
 * Jessie: Why?
 * Kelly: Because you've lost it.

The Wicked Stepbrother (2) [3.14]

 * Eric: Lisa, how'd you get tickets to the M.C. Hammer concert?
 * Lisa: Why?
 * Eric: They're so hard to get; I just wanted to know how you got 'em.
 * Lisa: I got them from Zack.
 * Eric: You mean he bribed you with them to go on a date with me?
 * Lisa: Eric, it's not what you think.
 * Eric: Is it true, yes or no?
 * Lisa: Yes, but you don't understand...
 * Eric: Oh, I understand. So, when you told me you liked me, that was a lie too? Lisa, I never wanna see you again. (walks out of the Max)
 * Lisa: Eric, wait! Eric, listen to me!
 * Jessie: Lisa, is that true?
 * Lisa: (crying) Yes, but when I took the tickets, I didn't like him. Now, I don't like me. (Jessie consoles Lisa)


 * Jessie (to Eric): You are a selfish, inconsiderate excuse for a human being. If I was a guy, I'd punch you out.
 * Eric: Yeah. Too bad you're just a chick.
 * Jessie: Just a chick? Just a CHICK?! (punches Eric right in the face)
 * Eric: I can't believe you just did that!
 * Jessie: C'mon! Want more?! You know, I was really excited about you coming here. I never had a brother, and I thought we could have fun! Be close and do things together. I tried to make us like a real family, but you wouldn't even give it a chance! And you know what? I don't want a brother anymore. (she storms out of the room)

Date Auction [3.15]

 * Jessie: If any one of you sweeties dares bid on my Slater, I'm gonna hunt you down in the streets like a rabid dog!


 * Lisa (to Brian): Here's something I learned in French class: Au revoir, creep!

All in the Mall [3.16]

 * Kelly: Wow, look at this line.
 * Lisa: Man, we'll never get tickets to the U2 concert.
 * Slater: Oh, ye of little faith.
 * Zack: That's right. Yeah, we told you we had a plan. Hey, have I ever let you guys down before?
 * Kelly & Lisa: Yeah!
 * Zack: When?
 * Lisa: The time you snuck us into the drive-in movie in the trunk of your car.
 * Zack: So I forgot the trunk key. You still got to hear the movie.
 * Kelly: But it was a Japanese movie.
 * Zack: Hey, I tried to read the subtitles as fast as I could.


 * (When the gang is followed by two guys into the movie theater)
 * Lisa: It's them! They're here!
 * Kelly (to Zack and Slater): "Oh, just shopping. It's a mall, you know." Right. I hope they kill you two first!


 * Screech: Oh, no, I'm not sleeping here again. Last night, the security dogs were nipping at my underwear.

S.A.T.'s [3.17]

 * Slater: (to himself) All right. Concentrate, Slater. CONCENTRATE! How can I concentrate? I'm starving! I only had four Twinkies and a box of Ding-Dongs for breakfast!


 * Jessie: Ms. Billingham, is the only reason you want me now is because Harvard wants me, too?
 * Ms. Billingham: Well, Ms. Spano, we are the "Harvard of the West."
 * Jessie: Well Ms. Billingham, thanks, but no thanks. If Stansbury is that hypocritical, then they'll just have to do without Jessica Spano.
 * Slater: AND, without A.C. Slater.
 * Kelly: AND, it's Stansbury's loss!
 * Screech: Do you have any brochures I can look at, so I--- (Kelly yanks him by the collar)

Palm Springs Weekend (1) [3.18]

 * Screech: (to Slater and Zack) Gentlemen, we have struck gold. Let's work out.
 * Zack: I don't know about you, but working out is the last thing on my mind.
 * Screech: I hear you, blood.
 * Slater: "I hear you, blood"? Where'd you get that?
 * Screech: Chapter 3: Talking cool.

Palm Springs Weekend (2) [3.19]

 * Jessie (to her dad): I want you to call off the wedding. Leslie's not right for you.
 * Mr. Spano: I love Leslie, and she loves me.
 * Jessie: But, there's so many other women.
 * Mr. Spano: Jessie, I'm your father, and I'll always love you. You're growing up, and soon, you'll have your own life. I want my own life, too. I'm marrying Leslie, and that's final.
 * Jessie: Then I won't be there to see it.


 * Slater: I never thought I'd be dating a real princess.
 * Christina: And I never thought I'd be dating a real American Cheesecake.
 * Slater: That's beefcake.


 * Lisa (to Jessie): Girl, if I were Leslie, I woulda slapped you until my hand hurt, and then I woulda slapped you for making it hurt.

Hold Me Tight [3.20]

 * (After Jessie throws a fit and storms off, a group of students look at Kelly)
 * Kelly: She's my friend, but not my best friend. (pause) Actually, I hardly even know her.


 * Screech: Kristy, can I have the candle?
 * Kristy: Oh, sure. Do you want to lick the icing?
 * Screech: No, I love to chew wax.

No Hope With Dope [3.21]

 * Screech: Wow, my first Hollywood party. I wonder if the Simpsons are gonna be there?

Rockumentary [3.22]

 * Slater: Wow, Lisa, I just saw you on US Gladiators. Wow, you beat up everybody, including the audience.
 * Lisa: Nobody messes with Lethal Lisa.


 * Zack: Look at me. I look like Mr. Madonna!

Cut Day [3.23]

 * Zack: Hey, Mr. Belding. What brings you to study hall?
 * Mr. Belding Don't get cocky, Morris. I've got my eye on you.
 * Zack: Sorry, sir. You're not my type.


 * Ms. Simpson: "To be or not to be. That is the question." Who said that?
 * Zack: You just did, ma'am.
 * Ms. Simpson: Right! Hamlet.


 * Zack (to Mr. Belding after he gave him some "candy"): The crunchy part's the thorax.

Home for Christmas (1) [3.24]

 * Santa (to Zack): Have you been a good boy?
 * Zack: Get real!


 * Jessie: Ok, who's up next to take a picture with Santa? Tommy, you're back.
 * Tommy: My mom wanted me to apologize to you.
 * Jessie: Aww, that's nice.
 * Tommy: I'm sorry...you ugly old bat! (runs away)
 * Jessie: You little brat!!


 * Kelly (to Laura): Thinking about Zack?
 * Laura: Yeah. I can't believe he took me to go see Santa!
 * Kelly: Yeah, I can't believe he didn't make you sit on his knee!

Home for Christmas (2) [3.25]

 * Mr. Moody: (calling security) This is Melvin Moody and I'm in a bad Moody, I mean mood!


 * (In the hospital, the guys give Frank some cookies as a gift)
 * Frank: Ah, cookies, just what the doctor ordered.
 * Screech: Who's your doctor, Famous Amos?

Mystery Weekend [3.26]

 * Screech: Lisa, don't drink that! (Lisa spits out her water) It might be poison!
 * Lisa: You're right. (to Screech) You drink it. (hands the glass of water to Screech)
 * Screech: (sips the water) Hm. Tastes fine to me; I'll live!
 * Lisa, Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly: Darn!

The Fight [4.1]

 * Lisa: Hallelujah, we're seniors!
 * Everybody: Amen!


 * Slater: Hey, Zack! Last night at the movies you went too far.
 * Zack: (jokingly) I just helped a mother get together with her son. What's so wrong about that?
 * Slater: Wrecking my date with Joanna wasn't funny.
 * Zack: Oh, like it was funny wrecking my study date the night before?
 * Slater: Hey, you started it, man, by making me look like a jerk at the Max!
 * Zack: Well, that's what you are.
 * Slater: What did you say?
 * Zack: You heard me. Now why don't you get out of my face?
 * Slater: And what if I don't, punk?
 * Zack: Then I'll just have to make you, punk!
 * [Zack and Slater begin fighting]

Student-Teacher Week [4.2]

 * Zack: (after he takes Slater's side in skipping Kelly's test) Come on, Kelly, I bet a lot on this game.
 * Kelly: And I bet a lot on you. First, as a friend, then as a boyfriend, now as a principal. I used to think you were something special. I guess I lost that bet.
 * Slater: Well, you're special to me, Zack. Really special!


 * Zack: Why be a teacher when you can be a principal? It's the easiest job around. You don't do anything. Ask Belding.

Screech's Spaghetti Sauce [4.3]

 * Screech: The sauce you can have, but the secret she's-a mine!


 * Zack: Look, the chemistry lab is for student use. Well, we're students. So, we're using them.
 * Jessie: You really believe that, don't you, Zack?

The New Girl [4.4]

 * Zack: I'm Zack Morris.
 * Tori: Should I be impressed?

The Bayside Triangle [4.5]

 * Zack (to Screech) This has gone far enough. Look, I'm sorry I hurt you, all right?
 * Screech: Sorry? You're sorry? You were my best friend, Zack. You could've had any other girl in the school...why Lisa? Why'd you have to steal my dream? I hate you!

Teen-Line [4.6]

 * Zack: Let's have another round of applause for the real star of today's game, the only one who has to be in a wheelchair all the time, Melissa Donahue!


 * (After Melissa rolls away, upset at Zack, after the basketball game)
 * Zack: What was that all about?
 * Tori: Maybe she wants to be your friend and not your cause.

Day of Detention [4.8]

 * Ken Kelly: Zack, can you be at the Max today at 4:00?
 * Zack: You bet! By 4:00 today, I am going to be--
 * Mr. Belding (interrupts Zack): In detention. I told you not to use this phone on school property again.


 * (After Mr. Belding shows up Zack and wins the trip to Hawaii)
 * Mr. Belding: A trip to Hawaii? This is great! Now I have an anniversary gift for Mrs. Belding! And to think, all this time, I just thought you were trying to get out of detention.
 * Zack: Yeah, I was doing this, all for you. (mumbling to himself) Took weeks of planning.
 * Mr. Belding: And I owe it all to you!
 * Zack: Well, maybe now you'll do me a favor in return.
 * Mr. Belding: Ah, we can talk about it...in detention!

Wresting with the Future [4.9]

 * Major Slater (to Slater): My C.O. just went A.W.O.L. with the G.I. from the P.X. I gotta go A.S.A.P. See you, A.C.
 * Zack: You guys sound like an eye chart.


 * Zack: Come on Slater, tell him the good news...Iowa.
 * Major Slater: Iowa?
 * Slater: I owe-a Zack ten dollars. Can you lend it to me?
 * Major Slater: (looking surprised) That's good news?
 * Zack: It is to me.

Drinking and Driving [4.10]

 * Mr. Morris (after learning that Zack was drinking alcohol): What would you do if you were in my position?


 * Mr. Belding: (explaining Screech's version of what happened in the accident involving Lisa's mom's car) It's a terrible thing that happened to those monkeys though.

Love Machine [4.11]

 * Slater: I'm dead. Jessie's gonna rip my eyes out, punch my face in and then break up with me. It's her usual pattern.

Class Rings [4.12]

 * Zack: What's wrong, Lisa?
 * Lisa: This ring put a green stain on my finger!
 * Zack: Why would it do that?
 * Lisa: Because it's not real gold, DUH!
 * Zack: Well, maybe it's just yours. (the rest of the gang reveals green marks after removing their rings) Maybe it's just ours.
 * (More students show up with green marks on their fingers)
 * Nerd: There he is!
 * Zack: Maybe it's just everybody's!


 * Zack: This is my associate, A.C. Slater.
 * Gem Diamond: What's the "A.C." stand for?
 * Slater: Abnormally Cruel. (gives him a painfully firm handshake)

Isn't It Romantic? [4.13]

 * Zack: Happy Valentine's Day!


 * Slater (to Zack): What, no rose for me, preppie? And I thought we were real close.
 * Zack: Slater, face it. It's over.

The Will [4.14]

 * The Guys: We're bad, we know it. We're bad, we've shown it!


 * The Girls: We're bad! We knew it! You cheated! You blew it!


 * Zack: Guys, plan A did not go so well. It's on to plan B.
 * Slater: What's that?
 * Zack: Unconditional surrender.

The Teacher's Strike [4.15]

 * Screech: M...Mercury. V...Venus. E...E...E-I-E-I-O...
 * Zack: Screech, what's the rest of it?
 * Screech: Old McDonald had a farm...


 * Jessie (to Zack about Screech after he gets sick): You took the doofus skiing.


 * (At the Academic Bowl)
 * Mr. Belding: Who invented basketball?
 * Nerd: O.J. Simpson!
 * Mr. Belding: That is incorrect.
 * Nerd: Okay. O.J. Chamberlain!
 * Mr. Belding: No! That is wrong and ridiculous!

Slater's Sister [4.16]

 * Slater: My mother told me I should look out for my little sister.
 * Tori: Someone should look out for you.


 * Slater: I've had it with this bozo! I'm so mad at this guy I could punch his lights out!
 * Zack: Hey, Slater, who are you talking about?
 * Slater: You, you slimeball! Go ahead, take my sister to the Sock Hop! But you won't see me there!

The Senior Prom [4.17]

 * Zack (to Kelly): Look I know it's supposed to be over between us, and I know we're friends now, but Kelly, I don't feel that way. You're the only girl for me and you always will be.

Screech's Birthday [4.19]

 * Zack: Screech, we're sorry we forgot your birthday.
 * Slater: We're even sorrier we made you hall monitor.


 * Zack: Wait, I've got it. This is genius. Today, we'll give Screech a surprise party.
 * Slater: But his birthday was yesterday.
 * Lisa: That's the surprise.
 * Zack: Now this will make Bayside history. It won't be just any surprise party. It'll be the most daring birthday party ever!
 * Kelly: Sounds exciting.
 * Jessie (getting nervous): Wait, I don't know about this. It sounds dangerous. I'm getting nervous!
 * Slater: Will someone shoot her with a tranquilizer dart?

Snow White and the Seven Dorks [4.20]

 * Kelly: Mirror, mirror from the mall, who's the awesomest of them all? (to Lisa) If you say Jessie, I'll brain you!
 * Lisa: Uh, I pass! Next question, please!


 * Screech: I wanna announce to one and all that I love the mirror from the mall!
 * Lisa: And if you touch me, I swear I'll knock you through the wall!

Earthquake [4.21]

 * (While an earthquake is going on)
 * Screech: Oh my gosh, it's a volcano!


 * Becky Belding: Why don't you get me ginger ale, with a big scoop of peanut butter?
 * Screech: Ah, that's my favorite combination too.
 * Lisa: Well, Screech, maybe you're pregnant.
 * Screech: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Lisa. I'm not even married!

Best Summer of My Life [4.22]

 * Slater: Tell her I'll think about it.
 * Zack: Jessie said, "Once a pig, always a pig."
 * Slater: That's my mama.

Slater's Friend [4.23]

 * Kelly (while looking at Artie the lizard): Aww, he looks so peaceful when he sleeps.
 * Lisa: Oh, please. You're going gaga over something that burps bugs.
 * Jessie: I think he looks a little pale.
 * Kelly: Maybe he's sick.
 * Zack: Why would he be sick? (Screech walks over) Hey, Screech, come here. Take a peek at Artie. Does he look any different to you?
 * Screech: No.
 * Zack: See?
 * Screech: Except for the fact that he's dead.


 * Jessie: (singing) Oh Artie boy, the bugs, the bugs, are buzzing. There's gnats and ants, mostquitoes on the fly. And there'll be bugs for breakfast lunch and dinner in that big chameleon banquet in the sky.

School Song [4.24]

 * [When the gang re-writes Screech's school song]
 * Screech: There you are, you butchers! You've totally changed my song!
 * Lisa: No, we didn't, Screech. It's still about Bayside.
 * Slater: Yeah, and we used most of the words you did. "The", "and", "it". "Bayside".
 * Screech: Oh. Well, in that case, it's okay then.


 * Bayside Glee Club (singing their school song): It seems like only yesterday we started, but soon we'll put away our books and pens. We'll go on with our lives once we have parted, but how can we say farewell to our friends? The double dates, the parties, and the dances, crammin' for a midterm until 3:00. The football games, the Max, and the romances, soon Bayside will be just a memory. Our 4 years here have all become unraveled, and so our high school story finally ends. But years from now, no matter where we've traveled, we'll all look back and think about our friends.

The Time Capsule [4.25]

 * Zack: We all have one last message for the class of 2003.
 * Jessie: Take care of our planet so that the kids of 2103 can enjoy it as much as we do. Peace and love.
 * Slater: Bayside was the first real home I ever had, so be good to it or I'll come and get you.
 * Lisa: All my fashion secrets are taped to the back of my old locker, number 144. In the meantime, keep on rocking, Bayside.
 * Screech: Class of 2003, let me leave you with one wise thought. Be kind to all geeks, dweebs and nerds. Ten years from now, they'll be the ones with all the money.
 * Kelly: No matter what happens, keep on smiling and when life hands a lemon, make some lemonade.
 * Zack: High school is the best time of your life. So love, live it, and if you have any time left, do some homework.

Graduation [4.26]

 * Jessie (after Lisa gives Screech a kiss): Lisa, I thought you didn't like him. Why did you kiss him?
 * Lisa: I'm gonna miss him, he's a decent guy.
 * Jessie: Lisa, he once got dressed, and THEN took a shower. He may be decent, but he's still a dorky guy.
 * Lisa: Well, if it wasn't for that "dorky guy," you wouldn't be valedictorian! Ohhhh...
 * Jessie: Valedictorian? What do you mean?
 * Lisa: Forget it. I promised not to tell.
 * Jessie: Lisa! I have to know! How did he make me valedictorian?
 * Lisa: All right. Screech's average was higher than yours, but he told Mr. Belding to let you be valedictorian because it meant so much to you. This sure would be a much better world if there were more dorky guys, don't you think?


 * [last lines of the series]
 * Zack: How about that? I actually graduated high school! [jumps off the stage] Right here, guys! [graduation caps go flying as the studio audience applauds and the theme song plays one last time]

Miscellaneous Episodes
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 * Mr. Belding: Hey, hey, hey. *What* is going *on* here?

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 * Zack: I like school... it's a good way to kill time between weekends.

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 * Zack: You know, I've finally found out the best thing about high school: once you graduate, you don't have to come back.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Slater: What, no rose for me, preppie? And I thought we were real close.
 * Zack: Slater, face it. It's over.

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 * Lisa: If you don't get rid of Linda, I'm gonna throw her out the winda.

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 * Jessie: I have had it with Eric. He took my TV, my hairdryer and my room. I am in crisis.
 * Kelly: You sound like you're on 'Thirtysomething.'

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Lisa: Yeah, I have all these problems, and there's no one ever there for me. I talk and talk and talk, but no one ever listens.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Jessie: If any of you sweeties dares bid on my Slater, I'll hunt you down in the street like a rabid dog.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Jessie: Your understanding of politics is limited to who won the election on 'Sesame Street'.

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 * Lisa: Girl, if I were Leslie, I woulda slapped you until my hand hurt, and then I woulda slapped you for making it hurt.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Kelly: Who are you?
 * Screech: Oh, I'm, uh, I'm- Sinead O'Connor.
 * Kelly: That's a very famous name. You have a hit song in the charts, you know...?
 * Screech: Oh, uh, that's the other O'Connor. She's my niece. She learned from me.
 * Lisa: You taught her everything she knows?
 * Screech: Oh, that I did. Now she can clean toilets with the best of 'em.

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 * Jessie: Slater, since we're together, I think we should share the household chores.
 * Slater: Sure, you cook and I'll eat.

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 * Mr. Belding: Zack, just because you always park your car in that same spot, does not mean it's official.
 * Zack: Then make it official, just like my seat in detention.

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 * Jessie: You macho pig.
 * Slater: Oink oink, baby.

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 * Slater: You are a very strange person.
 * Screech: [flattered] Well, thanks for noticing.

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 * [Jessie and Slater are at war with each other]
 * Mr. Belding: I wanna know what's going on right now.
 * Jessie: [pointing to Slater] Ask brillo-head, he started it.
 * Mr. Belding: Well, Brillo-He - I mean, Slater...

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 * Slater: Ok, Preppie. While you're treading cola, Kelly and I are going to the beach.
 * Zack: Kelly, this news disappoints me verily! I thought you and I could go over some more scenes from "Romeo and Juliet".
 * Kelly: Oh that's a good idea, Zack. Sorry, Slater.
 * Slater: What? I don't believe this. You'd rather study than go to the beach?
 * Zack: Parting is such sweet sorrow... chump.

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 * Slater: Hey, mama, wanna have a burger with a real man?
 * Jessie: Sure, I'll go find one.

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 * Slater: What's the matter, Dad?
 * Slater: My C.O. went A.W.O.L. with a G.L. from the P.X. I gotta go A.S.A.P. C U, A.C.
 * Zack: You guys sound like an eye chart.

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 * Mr. Belding: Go to class, learn something.

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 * Screech: Hey, ya know what, Slater? With this microscope, your nose hairs look like the Amazon Rain Forest.
 * Slater: If you don't get that thing out of my face, I'm gonna have the Natives come out and eat you.

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 * Zack: Lisa, you are looking lovelier than ever today.
 * Lisa: Can the sweet talk. You're giving me a zit.

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 * Kelly: Jessie, let's go to the lost and found.
 * Jessie: Why?
 * Kelly: Because you've lost it.

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 * Zack: Maybe we could sell Screech to Exxon.
 * Slater: Nah, they'd never buy a geek that doesn't squeak.

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 * Jessie: Do you realize we haven't argued for 15 seconds?
 * Slater: It was 20, shut up.

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 * Mr. Belding: Zack, I am not a matador so take the bull outside.

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 * [Screech is walking scrunched down near the floor]
 * Zack: I'm sorry you were stuck in the file cabinet for so long.
 * Screech: That's okay, just paint me blue and call me a Smurf.

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 * Kelly: [talking about Slater's dancing] Wow Slater, that was hot!
 * Zack: Ha ha. Are you kidding? I moved better last summer when a bee flew in my shorts.

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 * Louise: Would you ever go steady with a guy named Moose?
 * Lisa: Why not, you could always hang your coat on his antlers.

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 * Lisa: Some people get a little strange when it's time to see Nurse Butcher.
 * Jessie: Not me, I'm in perfect health. I eat properly, exercise daily, get the right amount of rest.
 * Slater: You sound like a commercial for Oat Bran.

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 * Lisa: What's wrong Kelly?
 * Kelly: Men, especially Zack Morris.
 * Slater: Hey, don't judge us by our worst specimen.

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 * Jessie: Eh, I hate coffee. Suzy, can I have another cup please?
 * Zack: So why are you drinking it?
 * Screech: What else is she gonna do with the coffee Zack?
 * Zack: Use your head as a donut and dunk you in it.
 * Screech: No way, my head would never fit in the cup.

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 * Slater: [talking to Jessie] Guys are great at math. It's just a shame you weren't born a man.
 * Jessie: Yeah, it's a shame you weren't born one either.

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[after Jessie storms off in a fit, a group of students are looking at her]
 * Kelly: She's my friend... but not my best friend. Actually, I hardly even know her.

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[Kelly has just stormed away from Zack]
 * Screech: I'm leaving, too! I'll send for my ant farm.

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 * Lisa: Screech, stop and smell the roses.
 * Screech: Oh, I smelled the roses once and a bee flew up my nose!

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 * Screech: Oh no, Zack! Last time you had an idea, I wound up naked in a jar full of jellybeans!