Scrubs (Season 8)


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Scrubs is an American medical comedy drama television series created by Bill Lawrence that aired from October 2, 2001 to March 17, 2010 on NBC and later ABC. The series follows the lives of employees at the fictional Sacred Heart teaching hospital. The title is a play on surgical scrubs and a term for a low-ranking person because at the beginning of the series, most of the main characters were medical interns.

My Jerks [8.01]

 * Denise: You know, it's ironic that cancer starts with "can", because at this stage there's nothing we can do about it.


 * Dr. Maddox: Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
 * Ted: Well, one's in case I get sad, and the other one's in case I get really sad...
 * Dr. Maddox: Well, see you tomorrow.
 * Ted: We'll see...


 * J.D.: So, this intern that you mentioned... earlier, I'm sure eventually he turned into a pretty... amazing doctor, didn't he?
 * Dr. Cox: Actually, it was a she.
 * J.D.: It wasn't me?
 * Dr. Cox: No no, it was you. It was you.

My Last Words [8.02]

 * Dr. Maddox: Hi, I'm trying to keep non-medical personnel from coming back here. I'm the chief of medicine.
 * Jordan: I'm the chief of slag-smacking, so I'd keep moving if I were you.
 * Dr. Maddox: That's very clever.
 * Jordan: Being clever's not how I got the job; smacking slags is.


 * J.D.: [To Denise] I need you to connect with your patients, okay? If they need some sympathy, dig down in your soul and find some.
 * Denise: Yo, Mr. Harris! Sucks you'll never walk again.
 * Mr. Harris: Hell yeah, it does!
 * Denise: Better, right?
 * J.D.: No, no, Jo. He... he lost his feet.

My Saving Grace [8.03]

 * J.D.: It's like all of a sudden this hospital is a police state!
 * Elliot: The next thing you know, they're gonna be charging doctors for candy at the gift shop!
 * J.D.: They do charge doctors for candy at the gift shop, Elliot.
 * Elliot: Really? Then why does Johann always let me...
 * J.D.: Because he wants to make you his wife and bring you back to Estonia.
 * Elliot: Ah, that's why he's always asking me if I'm comfortable around oxen.


 * Katie: You know what's really driving me crazy? You keep acting like you know me.
 * Carla: Don't bother with the sob story. I've been here a long time, I've heard it all before.
 * Katie: Really? Because my dad died when I was six. And to cope, my mom drank herself through most of my childhood. No one ever did anything for me. I've always had to do it for myself.
 * Carla: [in a sympathetic tone] Oh, Katie...
 * Katie: [choking up] I know.
 * Carla: [suddenly harsh] Heard it! Me? Dead mom. J.D? Dead﻿ dad. Elliot? Emotionally abusive parents. Dr. Cox? Emotionally and physically abusive dead parents which he may have killed, no one's sure.

My Happy Place [8.04]

 * J.D.: [voiceover] Ted finally said what we were all thinking.
 * Ted: [to Kelso] Why are you spending your retirement hanging around the place you used to work? It's so sad. By comparison, it almost makes my life seem... [pause] Aw! Still sad!


 * J.D.: The point is, Elliot. You're a lot stronger than you used to be. I've changed, too... I have a beard now.
 * Elliot: How about you? Do you still let that inner-voice of yours control you?
 * J.D: [inner-voice] This is getting too serious! Kick her! Kick her in the head! [out loud] Not as much.

My ABC's [8.05]

 * J.D.: I grew up on the street... No, not the hood. The Sesame Street.


 * J.D.: Dude, have you been having fantasies about Muppets all day too?
 * Turk: No, but I'm straight.
 * J.D.: That's just un-called for.

My Cookie Pants [8.06]

 * Jordan: Excuse me? Dr. Kelso, isn't it? I'm Jordan Sullivan.
 * Dr. Kelso: What are you doing?
 * Jordan: I'm introducing myself, because clearly anyone who would convince Perry not to take the Chief job has never met me.
 * Dr. Kelso: That pansy-assed little tattletale!
 * Jordan: Bob, so help me God, you fix this or I will grab you by your muffin top and stomp on your withering man-parts until your eyes pop out!
 * Dr. Kelso: Twenty years ago I would have thrown you on this table and made love to you right here.
 * Jordan: And I would have loved it!


 * Dr. Cox: So this is what fear feels like. It's kind of like being drunk, only in a very sad way. You're just lovin' watchin' me fall apart like this, huh?
 * Dr. Kelso: More than comfy shoes and a warm place to crap. But you're gonna take this job. Partly because you were meant to do it, but mostly because if you don't I will always remind you that you are a sackless little fraidy-cat.
 * Dr. Cox: Why the hell'd you try to talk me out of it?
 * Dr. Kelso: I had to tell you the truth to prepare you. If I'd fluffed it up, you would've tortured me forever.
 * Dr. Cox: So you actually think I'm the man for the job?
 * Dr. Kelso: Who the hell do you think recommended you?
 * Dr. Cox: Thank you.
 * Dr. Kelso: You're welcome.
 * [The two men sit in silence for a few moments; Dr. Cox realizes something and groans.]
 * Dr. Cox: Oh, God, no.
 * Dr. Kelso: What?
 * Dr. Cox: You don't really think we're becoming friends, do you?
 * Dr. Kelso: [Realizes] Good Lord, I hope not.

My New Role [8.07]

 * [Janitor walks into Dr. Cox's new office with a framed picture]
 * Dr. Cox: What the hell is that?
 * Janitor: Some stupid gift from the board. It's a photo of Sacred Heart when it first opened in 1884.
 * Carla: There's a hybrid in the parking-lot.
 * Janitor: I might have the date wrong. So, where do you want me to hang it?
 * Dr. Cox: Somebody else's office?
 * Janitor: Are you trying to stop me from doing my job? How would you feel if I tried to stop you from taking patients' wallets after they died?
 * Dr. Cox: Doctors don't do that.
 * Janitor: [smiles and winks] Look at you &mdash; sticking with the plan!


 * [Dr. Kelso walks into Dr. Cox's office as Dr. Cox is holding a photo against the wall]
 * Dr. Kelso: So that's what a Chief of Medicine does!
 * Dr. Cox: Oh now, what's with the lab coat, Bob?
 * Dr. Kelso: Ah, the old gal down in the pharmacy doesn't know that I've retired, so she still hooks me up with free morning-after pills.

My Lawyer's in Love [8.08]

 * Jack: Janice, you have one ugly baby, seriously.
 * J.D.: [to Dr. Cox] Did you actually teach your son to be mean to a baby?
 * Dr. Cox: Not just any baby but your baby.
 * [Jack runs to Dr Cox and is scooped up]
 * Dr. Cox: Come on, Jackie boy, we're going to get 10,000 jelly beans. I love you so much. [walks off with Jack]
 * [Sam looks upset]
 * J.D.: [to Sam] They can be so hurtful.


 * Ted: I'm really not what you would call a winner. Oh sure, I'm a lawyer. But that's only because I took the bar exam in Alaska and they only have like four laws, and most of them are about when you can, and cannot, kill... seals.

My Absence [8.09]

 * Turk: [to Dr. Cox] Have you seen J.D.?
 * Dr. Cox: No, I have not. Would you like to know why? He isn't coming in today. He's on a mini-vacation. And it isn't just today; he's not coming in tomorrow, which, by the way, is my day off. But not anymore! I'm coming in early and I'm staying late, because life is too darn short to spend the day bonding with my family when I could be roaming the halls of this hospital without the possibility of running into that bearded hug-monster you call a best friend.


 * Dr. Cox: Death doesn't really bother me unless it's someone I know. And even then, if it happens in a funny way, like my cousin who, honest to God, was flattened by a steamroller... I still actually enjoy it.

My Comedy Show [8.10]

 * Sunny: You can call me Sunny. My dad nicknamed me that because he said I brighten up a room. Of course, in college I had a few dark years. My car was stolen, I had three—was it three? No, four—I had four abortions.
 * [Denise stares at her blankly]
 * Sunny: I'm joking!
 * Denise: I'm gonna kill you with a hammer.
 * [Sunny laughs]
 * Denise: Why are you laughing?
 * Sunny: Because I'm scared. I'm not that strong.


 * [Janitor and Dr Kelso saw Carla remove a long hair from her breast. She's denying it when the Janitor tries to blackmail her]
 * Dr. Kelso: What do you want?
 * Janitor: I'm getting ready to torture Nurse Chestwhiskers [Carla], but it's her word against mine, so I need you to verify yesterday's incident.
 * Dr. Kelso: What incident? I wasn't even here yesterday.
 * Janitor: You were there.
 * Dr. Kelso: Excuse me. [holds a muffin to his ear] What? Ssh, he's standing right here!
 * Janitor: Me?
 * Dr. Kelso: Okay, I'll tell him. [to Janitor] My muffin thinks you're crazy and she wants you to go.
 * Janitor: Tell your muffin that I think she's crazy. Maybe she should go!
 * Dr. Kelso: No.
 * Janitor: What is happening to me? ''[leaves, upset]

My Nah Nah Nah [8.11]

 * Dr. Cox: Hey, Zeltzer. My family is with me here, but all the tables are full. Do you mind if we join you for breakfast?
 * Dr. Zeltzer: No, not at all. I get family. You know I'm here so much I hardly ever see my wife. That's why I installed a webcam in my house so I can see her during the day. Right now, I'm watching her do the dishes.
 * Dr. Cox: Who in God's name are those two naked people?
 * Dr. Zeltzer: That's Mr. and Mrs. Dish.
 * Dr. Cox: [disgusted] Get out!


 * Lady: I wanna thank you for dinner last night. I've eaten by candlelight before, but never by firefly-light.
 * Janitor: Yeah, it was hard to get them all into jugs, but I thought it was worth it. [clasping her hand] So, what do you want do do tonight?
 * Lady: [letting go] I don't really want to hold hands right now. Is that okay?
 * Janitor: Ssure, You know, that's uhm, I'm fine with that. Whatever. Like, like teenage girls say: "whatever!" We're cool.
 * Lady: Okay. I'll call you. [leaves]
 * Dr. Cox: Hey Janitor, rock solid relationship there!
 * Jordan: You know, there's nothing like looking into someone's eyes and seeing a part of them die. Oh! There it goes. Bye bye, hope!
 * Janitor: Everything is fine between me and Lady. And excuse me for not having a relationship built on a mutual affection for jet-black hate.
 * Dr. Cox: We don't hate each other. Do we?
 * Jordan: A little bit. But we make it work. At least I can hold your hand. [notices Cox's wedding ring] What's this? What the hell, are you wearing a wedding ring?
 * Janitor: You're just noticing now? He's been wearing it for months.
 * Jordan: Months?
 * Dr. Cox: Gotta go! [runs off]

Their Story II [8.12]

 * J.D.: You need to hire a few more nurses.
 * Dr. Cox: Look, Tammy. We don't have the money. If you want to go out and raise the cash yourself, feel free. Maybe you could sell your eggs to a fertility clinic, or sell that beard of yours to the Ridiculous Museum. Better yet, you could make a list of all the people you drive insane and tell them that for a nominal fee, you'll never speak to them again. You of course offer them a monthly subscription at a reduced rate, just to reel them in. And then after a while of you not talking to them, people will forget just how annoying you are and they'll let their subscription run out. And, bang! That's when you show up at their house, and you drive them insane all over again, by speaking to them. And here's the kicker. When everyone's trying to re-subscribe, you lay it on them that the price is now quadruple. And I'm predicting, and that's a low-end guesstimate, you're looking at about $100,000,000 a quarter, easy. You give the hospital a hundred thou, we hire a few nurses. But, until then, you go tell Carla it ain't happening.
 * J.D.: That was super fun.


 * Carla: [to Turk] You know, if we do hook up tonight, for once, you won't be the only one thinking about J.D.

My Full Moon [8.13]

 * Turk: So you're working tonight too, huh?
 * Elliot: Yeah.
 * Turk: Yeah, I'm the on-call surgical-attending. I kinda signed up because J.D. was supposed to be working with me.
 * Elliot: I'm covering for him, he and Sam went on a little trip to... You know what, it's not important.
 * Turk: Oh, no, no, no, finish your thought.
 * Elliot: I didn't wanna be the one to tell you this. Kim had a medical conference in Anaheim and so J.D. went and took Sam to Disneyland...
 * Turk: That's impossible. Because he and I swore to each other that, since neither one of us has ever been to Disneyland, that we would go for our 40th birthday together.
 * Elliot: What do you want me to say?
 * Turk: I want you to tell me that he's not at Disneyland right now, can you tell me that?
 * Elliot: No.
 * Turk: You know what, adults move on. And that's what I'm doing right now, I'm moving on. How do you wanna handle tonight's workload?
 * Elliot: Okay, I was thinking-
 * Turk: ''[screaming] I can't do it Elliot! You know, I tried! I tried, but it hurts too bad, it hurts me deep right here. It hurts me, I can feel it in my chest, that man went to Disneyland without me! They got roller-coasters that roller-coaster in the dark! Okay? You don't know where the turns are coming from! They got the Finding Nemo ride, where you're riding around with Nemo! And it is a ride, a ride, with Nemo!


 * Turk: Derek, can you give Denise's patient a thoracentesis and get that fluid out of there?
 * Derek: Surgery to the rescue! [to Denise] You are welcome.
 * Denise: Awww, that's adorable: you have a crush on yourself. I'd be careful, the guy you're in love with is a douche.

My Soul on Fire [8.14 & 8.15]

 * [Janitor saying his vows to Lady]
 * Janitor: [clears throat] I just wanna say somethin' before we kiss, okay? [to guests] And thanks for coming even though I didn't want you here. [To Lady] Uh, I know that I'm weird, but uh, you know, you'd be weird too, if your mother aged backwards, like mine did. So the thing is that I always kind of... figured that I would end up alone. And then you came along.
 * Lady: Mmhmm?
 * Janitor: And you don't just accept my quirks and my crazy stories and my lies about my mom, you actually appreciate me for them. And uh, I don't think I'll ever stop appreciating you, for that. But I know that I'll never stop loving you for it.
 * Lady: I love you too. [Janitor and Lady kiss]
 * J.D.:[narration] And right then we all realized the value of the romantic gesture, from one person who loves someone, to another.


 * J.D.: Look, Elliot, I don't know if it's possible for me to put how I feel about you into words, but I guess I'll give it a shot. I never really believed I'd find somebody that I love as much as you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. Elliot, I love you more than Turk.
 * Elliot: [touched] Oh, my God.
 * J.D.: I know, that's even hard for me to say, but it's true.

My Cuz [8.16]

 * Carla: So, how was your honeymoon? Did you know Kelso stayed in the Bahamas too?
 * [flashback to Janitor's honeymoon]
 * Lady: I love you.
 * [a drunken Kelso suddenly appears]
 * Dr. Kelso: I love you too. Let's never leave.
 * [back to present]
 * Lady: [uncomfortable] Yeah, we saw him...
 * Dr. Kelso: Yeah, I'm sorry. I was so blitzed on rum drinks I didn't know where I was. I feel horrible.
 * Janitor: Oh, no, stop it. At first, you were like the third wheel from hell, but then we made you do stuff. Made you pay for our meals, got you in a couple bar fights... On the beach, we bet you you couldn't eat a starfish.
 * Dr. Kelso: And?
 * Janitor: I owe you a buck.


 * Sean: It's not fair that we still have to be in each other's lives.
 * J.D.: I know, but I also know that the girls aren't going to let up until we make peace. So, what do you say we change the tone a little bit and both say something nice about each other? I'll go first. Look at you. There's no way around it: you're a beautiful man.
 * Sean: Thank you, J.D.
 * J.D.: Now you go.
 * Sean: I never agreed to that.
 * J.D.: Beautiful son of a bitch!

My Chief Concern [8.17]

 * Carla: I'm just saying, the only time you guys haven't been together was our honeymoon.
 * [Turk and J.D. exchange guilty looks]
 * Carla: What?
 * J.D.: It's time.
 * Turk: No!
 * J.D.: Yes!
 * Turk: Fine. Honey, uh, J.D. and I were together during our honeymoon. He flew in and stayed in the bungalow by the pool.
 * J.D.: He forgot his favorite lotion! Was I supposed to let him get ashey?

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 * Jordan: [to Ted] Hey, sweat-stain, how's it going your girlfriend now that you guys are roomies?
 * Ted: Oh, we're having sex like all the time.
 * [Everyone at the table gags]
 * Ted: Why do people react like that when they picture me having sex?
 * Dr. Kelso: You try it!
 * Ted: [thinks, makes a horrified face] OH GOD!
 * Dr. Kelso: Not a pretty sight, is it?

My Finale [8.18 & 8.19]

 * Sunny: He's finally gone. Talk about making a big deal over nothing, you know. I mean, Dr. Dorian was fine, but he was no better than any other doctor.
 * Cox: For the record, he was the best that ever came through this dump. [J.D. quietly walks behind him] John Dorian was the first and only doctor I ever met who cared as much as I do. And you can forget about him being just an exceptional physician because the fact of the matter is...he's a damn exceptional person. That's why people gravitated to him. That's why I did. He was my friend.
 * J.D.: [overjoyed] Thank you, God. That was beautiful.
 * Cox: [mortified] Oh, God, no.
 * J.D.: It's okay, Perry. You just said how you feel. Honestly, I am so full of your love right now, I literally could not take another drop. Brace yourself, I'm coming in. [He hugs Cox and takes a deep breath] You smell like a father figure.
 * Cox: Oh, please stop.
 * J.D.: [breaking away] Great job, Sunny. You said your line perfectly.
 * Sunny: Thanks, I worked on it.
 * J.D.: I knew that would set you off. Good night, best friend. [He leaves] He thinks I'm an exceptional—[hits the doorway with his hands] ow!—person!
 * Cox: You realize that even though he gets to leave, you have to stay?
 * Sunny: I didn't think that out.
 * Cox: [menacingly] No... you didn't.

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 * J.D.: [After fantasizing about the future] And who's to say this isn't what happens? Who can tell me that my fantasies won't come true? Just this once...