Secret Diary of a Call Girl

Secret Diary of a Call Girl is a British drama television series, which originally aired on ITV2 from 27 September 2007 to 22 March 2011. Based on the 2005 book The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl by former call girl Belle de Jour, the show focuses on Hannah Baxter and her secret life as a high-class call girl in London, under the pseudonym Belle.

Episode 1.1 [1.01]

 * Belle: I love London. I love its rudeness, its lack of community, its impatience. I even love its weather. But most of all, I love the anonymity. The first thing you should know about me is that I'm a whore. In a world of children in bikinis and grandmothers in fuck-me boots, the surest way to tell a prostitute is to look for the woman in the designer suit. Locate the lifts, glide past reception. Look like you know where you're going. Walk quickly, don't attract too much attention. Be fabulous but forgettable. You should also know that this isn't the real me.


 * Belle: Escort, hooker, prostitute, whore—I don't mind what you call me. That's just semantics.

Episode 1.2 [1.02]

 * Belle: Behind closed doors, in warmly lit rooms all over London, pleasure is taking place. Some spontaneous, some planned, and yes, some paid for. And tonight's... tonight's is strictly invitation only. Sometimes, I get paid to do the things I've always wanted to do.


 * Aleksandar: Oh, but what do you do for a living?
 * Belle: In this dress, no one will care.

Episode 1.3 [1.03]

 * Belle: I always use black cabs, not minicabs. At least you get a different driver each time. They know what I'm up to, and I know they know. But they still ask me and expect me to lie. It's just a game we play. Everything in here is important. [shakes large handbag] But the only essential thing on an all-night job is this. [raises arm to display watch] A lot can happen on an all-nighter.


 * Belle: Maybe the girlfriend experience is like me as a real girlfriend. Starts out all exciting and passionate, then I get bored, sleep with someone else and leave.

Episode 1.4 [1.04]

 * Belle: I spend half my life removing hair and maintaining my body. Being an escort involves pain, but it's almost always self-inflicted. But sometimes pain can be pleasure.


 * Belle: Sirona was right. Hurting people is a very special talent. S&M has taught me one thing. Maybe absolute control isn't always best. Maybe sometimes you've got to give a bit away.

Episode 1.5 [1.05]

 * Belle: [answering phone] Hello?
 * Stephanie: Do you do girls?
 * Belle: [laughs]
 * Stephanie: It says here, "Yes" to anal, GFE, school uniform. "No" to scats, stags and water sports. You've got nothing against girls.


 * Ben: I need to ask you something. It's a favour. You don't have to do it if you don't wanna do it.
 * Hannah: You're not gonna ask me to have sex with you and Vanessa, are you?
 * Ben: What? No.
 * Hannah: Whew. [laughs]
 * Ben: Others may pay hundreds for you, but I had you when all it took was half a lager and a couple of Marlboro Lights.
 * [Pause]
 * Ben: Will you be my best man?

Episode 1.6 [1.06]

 * [Belle has a flashback to when she first met with Stephanie]
 * Stephanie: No need to be nervous. Just gonna ask you a couple of questions. First of all, A-levels?
 * Belle: Uh, yeah. History, English, Politics and General Studies.
 * Stephanie: No. I mean, do you do anal?


 * Ben: [after Hannah took a break from her work] So, have you gone back to being an amateur?
 * Hannah: Temporarily.
 * Ben: Is that just so you can have sex in the Olympics?
 * Hannah: Only if the government covers all my training costs.

Episode 1.7 [1.07]

 * [Belle is interviewing a male escort to work with]
 * Belle: And what do you think you bring to a client's experience?
 * Man: 12 inches.


 * Belle: Sex is really a numbers game. Group sex is complicated, but that's mechanics. For me, the hardest numbers have always been 1 plus 1. Can never seem to make them add up.

Episode 1.8 [1.08]

 * Belle: Is that weird? Asking your ex-boyfriend to take photos of you in your underwear so rich strangers can decide whether they want to pay you to have sex with them?


 * Belle: That's the thing. In London, you can keep secrets. You can be anonymous, you can be whoever you want. But as long as one person knows you entirely and loves you still... it's the best place in the world.

Episode 2.1 [2.01]

 * Belle: Aren't we all going through the motions for money? Aren't we all whoring ourselves for The Man? Of course not. I'm literally whoring myself. It's different.


 * Bambi: I wanna be called... Bambi. Cos that's what people used to call me in school.
 * Belle: Bambi. Right, because you're quite... doe-eyed?
 * Bambi: No, it's cos my mum got shot.
 * Belle: [shocked] Oh, my God. I'm— I'm so sorry—
 * Bambi: No, I'm only joking. [laughs]

Episode 2.2 [2.02]

 * Belle: [analysing her breasts in the mirror] My body is my work. And If I'm not in good shape, then neither is my career, so... Belle... is considering some professional... development.


 * Stephanie: A city without whores is like a house without bathrooms.

Episode 2.3 [2.03]

 * Hannah: [at the movies] So, what are we gonna see again?
 * Alex: It's, uh, a French-Canadian documentary about Alzheimer's. It's hilarious.
 * Hannah: Really?
 * Alex: No! No, it's a comedy. Time Out calls it "the perfect date movie," so no pressure. I've never seen a movie without Will Ferrell or a talking dog before.
 * Hannah: Oh, I'm touched.
 * Alex: You should be.


 * Belle: My 12:30. Tony. He also wants a girlfriend. The GFE. A girlfriend experience. 90 minutes. £400 worth of chat. And cuddles. I know it doesn't make sense, but somehow this is easier. This is the kind of girlfriend I can be.

Episode 2.4 [2.04]

 * Belle: [in bed with Alex] I don't do that very often. Fantastic sex. Unpaid. With someone I actually like—a bit. Quite a bit. I think. [pause] When did sex become so complicated?


 * Bambi: I've got a little friend come to stay.
 * Belle: Who?
 * Bambi: Aunty Flo.
 * Belle: Bambi, have you taken something?
 * Bambi: What? No. I... I've got the painters in.

Episode 2.5 [2.05]

 * Hannah: [to Ben] I've got another client now. First one in 10 days. In whore terms, I'm practically a virgin.


 * Belle: Is it better to find out your girlfriend's a prostitute on a full or empty stomach?

Episode 2.6 [2.06]

 * Belle: You get knocked down. You get back in the ring.


 * Stephanie: Do you know what love is, Belle? A marketing ploy. Remember that.

Episode 2.7 [2.07]

 * Alex: [to Hannah] I've never felt so humiliated, disgusted and appalled in my life. And I've never felt so cheated, manipulated and... and deceived. And if I'm honest... I've never... hated someone... as much as I hated you that day.


 * Hannah: My problem with the job market is that I'm used to thinking on my back, not my feet.

Episode 2.8 [2.08]

 * Belle: In escorting, as in life, you don't always get the ending you expect, but it helps if you write your own story.


 * [Belle is about to be interviewed on TV]
 * Bambi: Bloody hell, babes, you look like a transvestite.
 * Belle: Thanks, Bambi.
 * Ben: A pretty one.
 * Bambi: Yeah.
 * Belle: Yeah, thanks for your support.

Episode 3.1 [3.01]

 * Belle: Do you ever feel like you've bitten off more than you can chew?
 * Jesse: All the time.
 * Belle: Yeah? What you do about it?
 * Jesse: Well, either spit it out or... swallow.

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 * Belle: Breezing through reception areas looking inconspicuous is my forte. Well, usually. At my publisher's office, I feel I might as well be wearing a flashing sign that reads "hooker."

Episode 3.2 [3.02]

 * Belle: We all fantasise to escape our ordinary lives. And in my line of work, I am the fantasy. Every encounter lingers like a ghost, following me all the way home. It keeps me company. Someone to share the secret of who I am, and what I've just done.

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 * Hannah: My sister's still here and you can't meet her. Now I've got to go.
 * Bambi: Why? Is it because I'm common?
 * Hannah: What?!
 * Bambi: Is it because I'm black?
 * Hannah: No, it's because you're a whore, you muppet.

Episode 3.3 [3.03]

 * Belle: [to Duncan] For the record, I do it better than I write it.

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 * Duncan: [reading a print draft of Belle's next book] This third paragraph is lovely.
 * Belle: People don't normally think of sucking cock as lovely.
 * Duncan: I do.

Episode 3.4 [3.04]

 * Belle: And the shoes? Do you like these?
 * Duncan: Yeah, they're great. Very, erm...
 * Belle: Fuckable?
 * Duncan: I was gonna say vintage.

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 * Belle: What is kinky? Something with kinks or twists. Well, that's all of us, isn't it? It's just a matter of finding who fits with your kinks. To be loved unconditionally... that would be something.

Episode 3.5 [3.05]

 * Belle: Love is overrated, and built on very shaky ground, whereas an affair with a wardrobe... it's solid and it lasts forever.

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 * [Belle and Duncan are discussing the possibility of a relationship]
 * Belle: Say we meet after work, and you say, "How was your day, darling?" And I'm like, "Yeah, it was fine, I had sex with this guy. It was nothing. How was yours?"
 * Duncan: Well, if I've been with a guy, then I'll tell you.
 * Belle: I've slept with 1,036 men.
 * Duncan: No, I can't top that.

Episode 3.6 [3.06]

 * Belle: If you're gonna do roleplay, you have to do it completely. You have to get every detail right. But it's not just about the clothes. Or the props. You have to work out how he wants to feel, get inside his head, find the spark of the fantasy, fan it... till it's on fire.

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 * Duncan: So this bar is full of escorts.
 * Belle: Well, I don't know about full, but yeah.
 * Duncan: Go on, then. Where?
 * Belle: Oh, you wanna play Guess the Escort?

Episode 3.7 [3.07]

 * Belle: [on her way to visit a male escort] I've spent all this time writing about clients, but I don't know what it's like to be a client, so... This is just research. Duncan approves of research, so... not cheating. Is it?

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 * Hannah: I think we're just confusing things a bit.
 * Duncan: What do you mean?
 * Hannah: I think you wanna be having sex with Belle, not me.

Episode 3.8 [3.08]

 * Hannah: [at Bambi's wedding] Weddings bring out the best in people... even if you don't follow all the traditions. Who said you had to be a virgin to wear white? You don't have to be a prince to marry a princess. And not all fairy godmothers carry a wand.

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 * Hannah: [to Duncan, after learning he had a professional appointment with Bambi] I'm a whore... who has sex for money, who gets judged and looked down on. But you know what? When I look at you, I can hold my head up high.

Episode 4.1 [4.01]

 * Belle: So much to tell you. Three weeks of sun and sex on a private island with a millionaire client. It looked good in the brochure. Not all it's cracked up to be. Still, it's good to be home. Every London girl's dream: my own front door.

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 * Ben: Life is messy, Han. What's the alternative? You hide away in your perfect house all alone?
 * Hannah: I'm just scared.
 * Ben: I know, Hannah.
 * Hannah: You don't... You know, you have... you have other people. You have friends and family who know you. They know everything about you. And I just have you.
 * Ben: And you'll still have me.
 * Hannah: Not if I fuck it up, I won't. And I always do. You know, my job—
 * Ben: Your job is just your job, Hannah. It's not you. I can handle it.
 * Hannah: If I lose you, Ben, I'll have nobody.
 * Ben: You will not lose me.
 * Hannah: But I might.
 * Ben: Hannah, there are thousands of reasons why we shouldn't try. There are thousands more why we should.

Episode 4.2 [4.02]

 * Belle: You can always spot a virgin. There's the ones who've been to an all-boys' school, the ones who are... hooked on porn, the terminally unattractive, and the guys who tried once, but something bad happened. But whichever Tim is, I'm gonna go in there and give him the best damn night of his life. Granted, I... may not be... much of a madam, but I'm one hell of an escort.

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 * Tim: I haven't been completely straight with you. I'm not really a virgin.
 * Belle: Right.
 * Tim: Well, I am... but I'm not. But...
 * Belle: But...
 * Tim: The thing is... Oh, it's silly, really. Do you know Katy Perry?
 * Belle: Yeah, yeah. "I kissed a girl and..." Oh, you... kissed a girl and you... liked it?
 * Tim: Yeah. Which was a bit of a surprise because I'm gay. So it caught me unawares, so to speak.
 * Belle: Hang on, you're gay? [laughs] You're gay! That's why—
 * Tim: It didn't work. Exactly! I didn't want it to work. That's why I came 'round, to tell you that you didn't do anything wrong.
 * Belle: Thanks! Of course! [sighs with relief] Oh, that feels good.

Episode 4.3 [4.03]

 * Belle: You wanna know the real difference between you and me? It's that I love the very thing you fear most: the danger.

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 * Belle: That's the thing about thrill-seeking: you wanna push it as far as you can without crossing the line. Because once you've done that... you're completely lost.

Episode 4.4 [4.04]

 * Poppy: Do you charge more?
 * Belle: What?
 * Poppy: For the gross stuff. Blowjobs... anal, golden showers.

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 * [Hannah walked in on Poppy having sex with a stranger in her house, and Ben didn't do anything about it]
 * Hannah: Ben, she's 19 years old!
 * Ben: Yeah, and she's just had a fucking massive shock! I think you forget how hard it is, Han. Not everyone—
 * Hannah: Oh, God, give me a break.
 * Ben: Not everyone can take this kind of shit in their stride. The lies you're told, the lies you have to tell, the constant fucking insecurity. Do you know what, if you think about it, this is a completely fucked-up situation.
 * Hannah: Yeah? Well, then maybe you shouldn't have moved in with me and my fucked-up situation.

Episode 4.5 [4.05]

 * Charlotte: [on the phone] Mr Bennett, you do realise I beat men for a living? Tomorrow at four will be fine. [hangs up]
 * Poppy: You're amazing.
 * Charlotte: I know.
 * Poppy: How do you do that?
 * Charlotte: It's quite simple. Men need to be told what to do. Believe me, when they say no, they really mean yes.

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 * Hannah: Sometimes you value least the people who love you most. Until you remember that without them, your life is worth nothing.

Episode 4.6 [4.06]

 * Belle: If there's one thing I've learned from years of satisfying the escapist fantasies of men, it's that sometimes the best way to deal with a problem is not to deal with it.

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 * Charlotte: The truth is, I had heard you were good. Your reputation precedes you.
 * Belle: I suppose we should've just... sorted this out in the beginning, instead of letting things drag on.
 * Charlotte: Speaking of which, there's a human rights lawyer shackled to my boiler. I suppose I should go and release him.
 * Belle: [laughs] Yeah, exactly. [realises Charlotte is serious] Oh, you... OK. Sorry.

Episode 4.7 [4.07]

 * Belle: Why is it that people just love to dress up? And we're all guilty. The new haircut, that make-up we can't really afford. Just the little things we do to try and turn ourselves into someone else. All to find that day, that hour, that moment that makes us feel like we're really living. Because, let's face it: reality can be so overrated.

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 * Harry: [to Belle] Some people get to you, some people make you care. Whether you want to or not.

Episode 4.8 [4.08]

 * Lewis: You could have done anything. Why choose this?
 * Belle: The same reason you're in advertising, probably. I mean... I'm good at it. I think, and, erm... I just... I enjoy it. You know, I like getting to know clients. I like finding out their secrets. Kind of like, erm, a private detective. [both chuckle] Or a priest... ish. With just, like, better underwear. Just loads and loads of sex. [laughs]
 * Lewis: Is it really that simple?
 * Belle: Well, no, I never said it was simple.

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 * Hannah: Some choices we make for ourselves in life. And some we make for other people. Not because we don't love them, but because we do. The only way we know it's right is if it lets us stay true to ourselves. But we can't regret our choices. The past is behind us. All we have is the present. And the future. Whatever that may bring.

Cast

 * Billie Piper – Belle/Hannah Baxter
 * Iddo Goldberg – Ben
 * Cherie Lunghi – Stephanie Charlton
 * Ashley Madekwe – Bambi/Gloria White
 * Callum Blue – Alex McCloud
 * James D'Arcy – Duncan Atwood
 * David Dawson – Byron Seebohm
 * Paul Nicholls – Harry Keegan
 * Lily James – Poppy
 * Gemma Chan – Charlotte