Shining Time Station

Shining Time Station (1989–93) was an American PBS spinoff of the Thomas and Friends series, although it was co-created by Britt Allcroft. The series returned with Family Specials in 1995 and later as Mr. Conductor's Thomas Tales in 1996.

A Place Unlike Any Other [1.1]

 * [Matt cleans by Mr. Conductor's house]
 * Mr. Conductor: Here! You missed a spot. It's the window over here. You did the others, but don't miss this one. That's a good lad.
 * [he appears in front of the house, surprising Matt]
 * Mr. Conductor: Can't do a job half way. What's worth doing is worth doing well, I say. And that goes double when you're doing my windows. Because they're double-paned. A pain in the neck, and a pane to clean. Do you know what I see when I look at that clean window?
 * Matt: No.
 * Mr. Conductor: The inside of the switch house. What else would I see? Well done, lad. What's your name?
 * Matt: Mat--Matthew--M-- Matt!
 * Mr. Conductor: Or is it Matthew-Matt-Matthew? And you may call me Mr. Conductor. Well, you're a good worker. You know who'd like you? My friend Thomas.
 * Matt: Thomas lives in there with you?
 * Mr. Conductor: Dear me, no! Thomas is a steam engine, and he lives on the Island of Sodor. You are interested in trains, aren't you?
 * Matt: Yes, sir.
 * Mr. Conductor: Splendid. Then I'll tell you a story about my friend Thomas. You do like stories, don't you?
 * Matt: Oh, yes.
 * Mr. Conductor: Very well. But first, I have to find my whistle.
 * [he looks in his pockets for his whistle and finds it]
 * Mr. Conductor: Ah! Here we go!
 * [he blows his whistle and the first story begins]


 * Harry: There's just something about this place.

Does It Bite? [1.2]

 * Mr. Conductor: [views the new schedule] Impossible! Ridiculous! And foolishness! This new train schedule is tommyrot, balderdash, and cuckoo. There isn't a train on Earth that can go from Point Pokey to Cloggyville in 11 seconds. It's 14 miles, and look here-- From Doodletown to Turley in 18 hours. Well, it's impossible. Why, I can walk from Doodletown to Turley in 15 minutes, and I'm only 18 inches tall! I'll just have to write the correct times in here.
 * [as he is about to, Stacy enters and notices]
 * Stacy: What are you doing? Stop that! Those are the new train schedules from the railroad company. I am the only one who can change those schedules.
 * Mr. Conductor: Well, it may be new, but it's not a train schedule.
 * Stacy: Give me that pencil!
 * Mr. Conductor: Never! You can't get from Buttertown to Chubby Corners in four seconds! [disappears]

Promises Promises [1.15]

 * Harry: [inspects his sketch] And this becomes a local for Doodlehaven.
 * [Mr. Conductor, as a judge, appears before him, banging his gavel]
 * Mr. Conductor: This meeting is called to order!
 * Harry: I wish you'd warn me when you're going to do that.
 * Mr. Conductor: Sorry, Harry. I'll try to remember.


 * Mr. King: Please, remove all of this equipment at once! Good day. [leaves]
 * Schemer: Boy, oh, boy. Who does he think he is?
 * Harry: He is J.B. King, Schemer! Superintendent of the whole railroad!
 * Schemer: Yikes. Open foot, insert in mouth.

Too Many Cooks [1.17]

 * Mayor Flopdinger: The name is Osgood Bob Flopdinger. I'm the mayor of East Shemp. And I'm looking for a man called Schemer. I never saw him before, but I know his voice. Have you seen him?
 * [Stacy notices Schemer directly behind the mayor and turns the mayor around to distract him while Schemer goes into hiding elsewhere]
 * Stacy: Oh. Mayor Flopdinger! We spoke on the phone earlier.
 * Mayor Flopdinger: Earlier than who?! [calmly] Never mind. The point is this. Have you tried that sandwich spread of his?
 * Stacy: Yes, I have tried it.
 * Mayor Flopdinger: Well, then I don't have to tell you that this stuff is inedible by man nor beast. My shaving cream tastes better than this.
 * Stacy: I'll tell Schemer you stopped by.
 * Mayor Flopdinger: Thank you very much. And tell Mr. Schemer that if he doesn't have a new, improved version of his sandwich spread in time for lunch, he's in big trouble! And not only with me, but also with every one of the Friends of the Flowering Cactus Ladies' Auxiliary. And that's not funny. Believe me, I speak from experience.


 * Matt: Mr. Conductor, how can Schemer make such a big mistake and still be like he always is? He's not sorry or anything.
 * Mr. Conductor: Well, he may not have learned anything. But you have learned about helping people. And Gordon has learned the same thing. Lucky thing for Thomas that he did too. But let me begin at the beginning.

Things That Go Ga-Hooga! in the Night [1.19]

 * Schemer: It's the real man with his head on backwards! It's the real man with his head on backwards! (screams and jumps over the desk)
 * Stacy: Was that Schemer?
 * Harry: I do believe it was.
 * Stacy: Were his clothes on backwards?
 * Harry: I do believe they were.

Is This the End? [1.20]

 * Mr. Conductor: Now, I think it is getting time for me to leave.
 * Matt: Not yet. Please, not yet.
 * Mr. Conductor: Now, let me tell you both something. [removes his hat and dries his forehead with his handkerchief] No matter what happens, we will always be friends.
 * Tanya: Promise?
 * Matt: Promise?
 * Mr. Conductor: It's a promise! Good-bye, now. Good-bye. [leaves]
 * Tanya: Wait! You forgot your hat.
 * Matt: It's too late. Now he's gone forever.

'Tis a Gift

 * Mr. Conductor: [hears a horn honk outside] Oh! There's Midge Smoot! Don't tell her a secret. She's sure to leak it!




 * Stacy: [on the phone] Hello? Shining Time Station. Stacy Jones speaking. Oh, hi, Claire. Oh, you want to bring Vickie here this afternoon?
 * [Matt and Tanya quietly make signals of objection]
 * Stacy: Oh, sure, no problem. Okay. Glad to be of some help. I'll see you in a little bit. [hangs up; to the children] What is your problem?!
 * Matt: Vickie! She's horrible!
 * Stacy: Oh, she's not horrible.
 * Tanya: Yes, she is. She's mean and nasty and selfish and rude.
 * Stacy: Okay, okay, okay. Now, come on. Nobody can be that bad.
 * Matt and Tanya: Vickie can!
 * Stacy: Oh, now come on, you guys. She must have some good qualities. Think about it.
 * Tanya: Well,... No.
 * Stacy: Come on, you two.
 * Matt: Well, both her eyes are the same color.
 * Stacy: Oh, Matt.
 * Tanya: She never threw up on me.
 * Stacy: Tanya!
 * Tanya: Well, she does have a pretty good singing voice.
 * Stacy: Great! Then you can sing carols together.
 * Tanya: No. She never does anything you tell her to.
 * Matt: Yeah, and she never smiles, even when you say something funny to her.
 * Stacy: All right. Listen, you guys. I told her mother that she can come here and play, so I want you to be nice to her, okay?
 * Matt: Will Santa know we've been nice?
 * Stacy: Oh, yeah. Santa will know, and so will Vickie. I hope.


 * Mr. King: Miss Jones!
 * Stacy: Yes, sir!
 * Mr. King: There's a train leaving the station. It's... It's impossible!
 * Stacy: No, it's not, Mr. King. Nothing's impossible, unless you stop believing in it.

Scare Dares [2.1]

 * Matt: Dear Cousin Dan, I can't wait for you to get here. Shining Time Station is busier than ever.
 * Tanya: Dear Cousin Kara, guess what? Our grandfather Harry is transferred to Fort Farley, so Shining Time Station has a new engineer. His name is Billy Twofeathers.
 * Matt: But Schemer is still Schemer, and you know what that means. And Aunt Stacy's fine, and she's really happy running the station. A man named Mr. Nicholas came to visit us at Christmas Time. Mr. Nicholas needed help at his workshop, so when he went back to his home at the North Pole, Mr. Conductor went along with him.
 * Tanya: But then, Mr. Conductor's cousin arrived. There's always a Mr. Conductor living here, or else it wouldn't be Shining Time Station. See you on Halloween. Love, Tanya.
 * Matt: When you get here. Your cousin, Matt.


 * Mr. Conductor: Tanya Lasanya and Matt the Hatt!
 * [Dan and Kara notice him]
 * Kara: Look, it's Mr. Conductor!
 * [Mr. Conductor disappears]
 * Kara: Wait, where'd he go?!
 * Mr. Conductor: No. You're imagining me. I'm not really here.
 * Kara: Wait, don't be afraid of us. Harry's my grandfather and Tanya's my cousin. They told me all about Thomas and the other trains.
 * Dan: Hey, I'm Dan Jones. Stacy's my aunt, and she told me all about your stories and your magic.
 * [Mr. Conductor reappears]
 * Mr. Conductor: You mean you like stories, trains, and magic? Well, you've come to the right place! Let me properly introduce myself. Mr. Conductor, at your service.

Oh, What a Tangled Web [2.2]

 * Mr. King: What, may I ask, is the meaning of this?
 * Schemer: [sleepily] Do be a love and scratch my foot, won't you? [notices Mr. King] Ah, hello, J.B. [suddenly reacts and is now wide awake] Mr. J.B. King, Esq., exalted head. The meaning of this! Yes. Uh, ah, yes. The meaning of this is that it is a managerial retreat. Yes. It's especially restful for important business-type people like yourself and I.
 * Mr. King: Put a sock in it, Schemer!!

The Magic is Believing [2.3]

 * Becky: Neat! How does a doll like that run? On batteries?
 * Mr. Conductor: STOP IT! I don't come with batteries!
 * Becky: Yikes! It's a real little man!
 * Dan: We've been telling you, it's Mr. Conductor!
 * Kara: Now do you believe in magic?
 * Becky: I do. I do. I do!


 * Schemer: [in the opening act of the show] The Scheme Master right here would like to tell you a little comic riddle. [laughs] It's a killer. Okay. All right, listen, here it is. [laughs again] I love this. What is green,... [quietly] Green. [continues] ...has six legs,... [under his breath] Six legs. [finishes] ...and if it drops out of a tree on your head, it'll squish you like a bug? [laughs] Okay. Nobody can guess? I'll hafta tell ya, then.
 * Becky: [raises her hand] I know! A pool table.
 * Stacy: Oh! Very good!
 * [everyone else applauds]
 * Becky: Thank you.
 * Schemer: Well, thank you very much, Miss Smartypants-Know-It-All.
 * [Dan raises his hand]
 * Schemer: Yeah, what?
 * Dan: Doesn't she win anything?
 * Schemer: No! This isn't a game show! I'm not givin' away money! I'm tryin' to do some jokes here! Come on, people! Sit up straight, pay attention, and let's start to laugh at Schemer! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! I'm workin' hard up here!

Win, Lose, or Draw [2.4]

 * Stacy: Hiya, Barton! How was the race?
 * Winslow: It was totally ... You should've seen me. I was out at the starting gate like greased lightning, way ahead of the pack. Well, there was one cat just ahead of me. I poured on the speed. And there we were, rounding the last bend neck and neck, and then wailing down toward the finish line! I gunned it! He gunned it! Engines roared! [imitates engines roaring] What a cat! He took me! [calmly] I lost.

Sweet and Sour [2.5]

 * Rex: The first job Tex and me had was inside a radio in a bank. Always had to play "Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?".
 * Didi: Well, what's why the best place to work is a train station. 'Cause you get to play songs like...
 * Tex: Erie Canal.




 * [Midge and a group of women form a picket in front of Schemer and Schemee's stand]
 * Midge: All right, ladies. Just keep going around in a circle.
 * Schemer: Ah! My dear Midge Smoot.
 * Midge: Don't you dare "Midge Smoot" me! Why, you're lucky my dog is better. After eating two of your cookies, he was sick all afternoon.

A Dog's Life [2.7]

 * Kara: [after Mr. Conductor's story] Mr. Conductor, did you tell us that just so we'd feel better about cleaning?
 * Mr. Conductor: I was comparing your cleaning to the mess on Ginny's farm.
 * Sometimes a little trouble causes great harm.
 * Speaking of harm and making things cleaner,
 * I'd better take a powder, because here comes Schemer! [disappears]




 * Schemer: How's my little pooch, huh?
 * [the dog barks at him]
 * Schemer: [intimidated] Sheesh! Now, is that any way for him to treat his master?!
 * Billy: Respect works both ways.
 * Schemer: All right. I'll show him some respect. [holds out a nickel] Here's a nickel!
 * [the dog barks at him again]
 * Schemer: Now, why did he do that?!
 * Billy: I don't know. Maybe because you tied him up and you didn't take him for a walk. You didn't feed him. You didn't clean up after him.
 * Schemer: Anything else?
 * Billy: You didn't play with him!

Field Day [2.8]

 * Stacy: [looks at the new uniforms] Oh, boy, look at that.
 * Billy: TST. I like the sound of that.
 * Stacy: Yeah. [looks at the back] "The Schemer Team"?
 * Matt: Well, Schemer did pay for the uniforms. [Mr. Conductor appears on his baseball bat]
 * Tanya: Maybe they'll look better when they're on.
 * [Matt moves his bat, causing Mr. Conductor to fall on a mitt]
 * Kara: Mr. Conductor, are you okay?
 * Matt: Sorry, Mr. Conductor. I didn't see you there.
 * Mr. Conductor: [gets back on his feet] Oh, that's all right, Matt. Yes, Kara. I'm as right as rain. I landed as a soft pop fly, you might say.


 * Mr. Conductor: Weren't you supposed to be out playing baseball?
 * Kara: The game's not for a while yet.
 * Dan: And anyway, we're gonna lose.
 * Mr. Conductor: Well, you certainly will with that attitude. Imagine if Thomas had felt like that in the story of a famous race against Bertie.
 * Kara: Did Thomas win?
 * Becky: Tell us, Mr. Conductor.
 * Mr. Conductor: I will.

Wrong Track [2.9]

 * Dan: Schemer, you stole all our money!
 * Schemer: What are you talkin' about? What money?
 * Kara: The one for Stacy's party, and you ate all our fudge.
 * Schemer: Hey, I did not steal any money, and I did not eat any...
 * [Becky shows him the empty fudge box]
 * Schemer: Frankly, I had a couple pieces. But eating the food gave me a good idea. See? Fruit cakes, made by my mommy, five cents apiece. [laughs]
 * Billy: Schemer, did you make Becky spend all her money?
 * Schemer: No, I didn't.
 * Dan and Kara: Did too!
 * Schemer: Did not!
 * Dan and Kara: Did too!
 * Schemer: Did not!
 * Dan and Kara: Did too!
 * Schemer: DID NOT!
 * Becky: Actually, he didn't.
 * Schemer: See? I didn't. [to Becky] I didn't?
 * Becky: I guess I could've said no. But I just got carried away.
 * Schemer: She could've said no, but she got carried away.
 * Billy: Did you know the fudge was for Stacy's party?
 * Schemer: [exasperatedly] Stacy's party. Stacy's party! Who cares about Stacy's party? Some stupid party I wasn't invited to, anyway.
 * Billy: Oh, you do care, and you are invited.
 * Schemer: I am?
 * Dan, Kara, and Becky: He is?
 * Billy: Of course he is! [takes Schemer's fruit cake stand] But it wouldn't be much of a party without fruit cakes.

Crackpot [2.11]

 * Mr. Conductor: I don't think it matters on what we'll collect. All of it was not straw.
 * Kara and Becky: Straw?
 * Mr. Conductor: Haven't I told about the time Percy ended up with a big straw collection and didn't want it? No? Well, then I'll tell you now. [blows whistle]


 * Kara: [after Mr. Conductor's story] I'm glad the forest has grown back.
 * Mr. Conductor: Forests do that. Leaves do, too. But friendships-- They can't grow back once they're broken. That's why we always have to take care of them.
 * Kara: Tea sets don't grow at all.
 * Stacy: [approaches with her newly-repaired teapot] But thank goodness for glue!
 * Kara: [notices the pot's cracks] But it's still cracked. I'm sorry. Next time you tell me not to touch something, I won't do it.
 * Stacy: Apology accepted. But you know, besides, I like these cracks. It gives it character, and it makes me think of all of you.
 * Mr. Conductor: Stacy, are you calling me a crackpot?!

Stop the Press [2.14]

 * Mayor Flopdinger: Scoop! Where is this Scoop?! I'm lookin' for this nincompoop Scoop!
 * Scoop: Mr. Mayor, here I am, Your Honor.
 * Mayor Flopdinger: [holds out his newspaper] Are you the author of this journalistic gobbledygook?
 * Scoop: The story on your campaign speech. Yes, sir. I wrote that.
 * Mayor Flopdinger: [hands Scoop the paper] Well, go ahead and read it. Read it right now, right there.
 * Scoop: [reads the article] "His Honor said that he was here tonight to talk garbage." Well?
 * Mayor Flopdinger: Well, I said I was there to talk about garbage! Trash collections. Clean streets. Recycling.
 * Scoop: Oh. Sorry.
 * Mayor Flopdinger: Sorry? Well, what are you gonna do about it?
 * Scoop: We'll print a retraction in tomorrow's paper. No problem.

Double Trouble [2.16]

 * [the two Mr. Conductors confront each other]
 * Mr. Conductor: He's not me!
 * Evil Mr. Conductor: Yes, I am!
 * Mr. Conductor: I'm much taller!
 * Evil Mr. Conductor: No, you're not!
 * Mr. Conductor: You're fatter, though.
 * Evil Mr. Conductor: No, I'm not! We're the same!
 * Mr. Conductor: We're not the same at all!
 * Evil Mr. Conductor: Yes, we are!
 * Mr. Conductor: No, we're not!
 * Evil Mr. Conductor: Yes, we are!
 * Mr. Conductor: I can prove it! That cutout fits my outline perfectly. It won't fit yours.
 * Evil Mr. Conductor: Will too!
 * Mr. Conductor: Will not!
 * Evil Mr. Conductor: Will too!
 * Mr. Conductor: Be my guest!
 * [the Evil Mr. Conductor runs over to the cut out space where he used to be a picture and lies down in it]
 * Evil Mr. Conductor: You'll see that I'm you, then you'll know that it's true.
 * [Mr. Conductor throws his magic dust on the Evil Mr. Conductor]
 * Mr. Conductor: GOTCHA!
 * [the Evil Mr. Conductor turns back into a picture]

Is Anybody There? [2.17]

 * [Schemer sees the mayor approaching him and remembers something]
 * Schemer: Hello, everyone, we got a special birthday announcement for the mayor; it's the mayor's birthday today...
 * Mayor Flopdinger: No, it's not my birthday. It's my wife's birthday!
 * Schemer: I'm sorry, it's his wife's birthday! Her name is Tuna Melt, and she's crispy on the outside, and she's soft on the inside. That's her name, and... [hands the mayor his microphone]
 * Mayor Flopdinger: Her name is Twylene! Hello, Twylene, dear. It's me, Twylene, yes, your husband!

Becky Makes a Wish [3.1]

 * Billy: You know, Becky, Midge has a great heart, but sometimes I wish she'd zip her lip.
 * [unbeknownst to him, the wishing star passes him]


 * Billy: [having seen all the disaster the star has caused] This is just one of those days I wish I'd stayed in bed.
 * [the star passes him; in an instant, he is in bed]

Schemer's Alone [3.2]

 * Mr. Conductor: Well, I'm here to work. What's our first step?
 * Billy: Uh, your first step, Mr. Conductor, is to watch your step. That shelf hasn't been... [the shelf comes off, and Mr. Conductor slides down] ...nailed in.
 * Stacy: Mr. Conductor, are you all right?
 * Mr. Conductor: All right?! I appear for work and fall off a shelf? I've had better jobs, I'll tell ya.

Bully for Mr. Conductor [3.3]

 * Buster: We'll see how tough you are after I tell my dumb uncle what happened. Then I can draw on the walls all I want.
 * [he stops and looks at Mr. King, who glares at him]
 * Buster: Oh, hello, Uncle J.B. I was just telling them about how well you run the railroad.
 * Mr. King: You're already in enough trouble, Buster. Don't make it worse by lying to me.
 * Buster: Oh, but whatever do you mean, Uncle J.B.? We were just having fun.
 * Mr. King: Buster, we'll talk about it later. [points to the exit] Wait for me outside.
 * Buster: [upset] I never get to have any fun. [points at Dan] It's all his fault!
 * Mr. King: Outside!
 * [Buster exits the station]

Stacy Cleans Up [3.4]

 * Typo: I smell a story here.
 * [he takes a sniff, then groans in disgust and covers his nose]
 * Stacy: [offers a clothespin] Oh, Mr. Typo! Here.
 * [Typo places the pin on his nose and exhales sharply]
 * Typo: Oh, that's much better.
 * Stacy: Yeah, the garbage train outside has no place to go.
 * Typo: "Garbage Dump Opens at Shining Time Station"!
 * Stacy: No, no, no, Mr. Typo! We've got to figure something out.

Billy Saves the Day [3.6]

 * Mr. Conductor: Everyone has something special to offer, but you never know it unless you give them a chance to show you.

Billy's Party [3.7]

 * Stacy: Ginny, please, just try to calm down and tell us what happened.
 * Ginny: Well, you know my dog.
 * Stacy: Yes. The one you renamed Mr. Filthy?
 * Ginny: Well, this time, he's really gone and done it. I took the turkey outta the oven, and he's lookin' at it like a pointer. And I thought: "That's kinda cute", when all of a sudden, he lunged, attacked, ran out the back door with it and tore it to shreds! [frets] And now, I don't have a turkey.
 * Kara: Mr. Filthy is a bad dog.
 * Ginny: From now on, his new name is Mr. Get-Outta-There. What am I gonna do? My nephew and his wife are comin' for dinner.
 * Stacy: You know something? There's a place in Dillylick that has pre-cooked turkeys, and I'm sure they're open for at least another half an hour.
 * Ginny: I can't make it to Dillylick.
 * Billy: You could if I took you there.
 * Ginny: You'd do that for me?!
 * Billy: Sure.
 * Ginny: [sets to leave] Oh, come on. Let's go. Time's a-wastin'!

Schemer Goes Camping [3.10]

 * Becky: Stacy, we're not going camping in the rain, are we?
 * Stacy: No. I think we're gonna have to camp out in the station tonight.
 * Schemer: [laughs] Camp out in the station. Talk about survival!
 * Stacy: Well, what are you gonna do? You haven't packed any sleeping bags or blankets.
 * Kara: No food, no lanterns.
 * Becky: No raincoats, no flashlights.
 * Schemer: [through his bullhorn] Who cares? Real men know how to survive in the w--
 * [Stacy stuffs something in Schemer's bullhorn; Schemer lowers it]
 * Schemer: Real men know how to survive in the woods using their basic instincts. For example, if we get hungry, we'll just eat bugs and bees and bark like the bears do. And if it starts raining, why we'll just build a log cabin. In short, Miss Jones, we'll be living off the land like that great American frontiersman: Pat Boone.




 * [Ginny exposes a cowering Schemer to Stacy and the children]
 * Schemer: Okay, I admit it! I admit it! I don't know anything about camping! But please! Please! Please keep that mountain lion away from me!
 * Ginny: Mountain lion? There are no mountain lions in this neck of the woods.
 * Schemer: Yes, there are! It's a mountain lion! It had a big furry tail, and little eyes, and little tiny legs, and... [imitates chomping] Chompin' on nuts.
 * Stacy: Oh, Schemer. That does not sound like a mountain lion. To me, it sounds like a squirrel.
 * Schemer: A squirrel? [calms down] Well, it sure looked like a mountain lion.
 * Stacy: Okay, Schemer. Why don't you come here and sit down with us? We'll get you dry, get you something to eat.
 * Schemer: Oh, no, no. I don't want anymore food. I'm too full. I think I ate too many sandwiches.
 * Kara: Hey, Schemer, how'd you get out of the creek?
 * Schemer: Gettin' outta the creek was easy. Gettin' outta the swamp-- Now, that was hard! I pulled myself up by this branch, but then it got really scary and everything, 'cause it was dark, and I was... [sobs hysterically] I thought I was a goner, and then that was it. I thought I'd never see Schemer again. But then I heard this little whistle.
 * Stacy: A little whistle?
 * [she notices Mr. Conductor holding up his whistle before he disappears]
 * Schemer: Yeah. It was like this little whistle, and I didn't know where the heck the sound came from. So I start following the sound of this little whistle, I'm going through the woods, and all of a sudden, here I am at Shining Time Station. But I was kind of afraid to come in, because I kinda thought that the kids wouldn't wanna see the old Schemer again.

Mr. Conductor's Evil Twin [3.11]

 * Evil Mr. Conductor: I won't go back! Not this time! A broken promise is not a crime.
 * Kara: Well, then, I'll tell on you.
 * Evil Mr. Conductor: Tell. Go ahead. They'll just get angry and sent you to bed.


 * Evil Mr. Conductor: Stick him quick! He'll get away!
 * Mr. Conductor: Wait! I'm me! He's not!
 * Evil Mr. Conductor: Stick him with that gluey pot!
 * Kara: Which one of you's Mr. Conductor?!
 * Evil Mr. Conductor: ME!
 * Mr. Conductor: ME!
 * Kara: Your whistle!
 * Evil Mr. Conductor: My whistle?!
 * Mr. Conductor: My whistle!
 * [the evil Mr. Conductor blows his whistle, which sounds like it used to be for the real one's whistle, and the real Mr. Conductor blows his whistle, which is still at its low toot from earlier; Kara pours the glue on the evil Mr. Conductor]
 * Evil Mr. Conductor: NO!!!!
 * [he turns back into a picture]
 * Mr. Conductor: YES! Thank you, Kara. If you hadn't recognized my whistle, we'd have never gotten out of this mess!

Bad Luck Day at Shining Time Station [3.12]

 * Schemer: [after finding out Schemee took his technique too far] Come on. He's just a child, and he's my nephew. I don't think it's appropriate that you punish him.
 * Midge: Why not?
 * Schemer: Because I'm going to.


 * [after Schemee's bad luck scam has been exposed]
 * Midge: I am so disappointed!
 * Stacy: Because it wasn't bad spirits? Only Schemee?
 * Midge: Exactly. I was having such a good time with all the bad spirits.
 * Boonswaddle: But, Midge, there were spirits! I heard them!
 * Midge: Oh, just save it, Doris--! Come on! --For the clap trap of next Friday's meeting of the ladies' auxiliary.
 * Boonswaddle: [notices the wet floor] Very wet here.
 * [she and Midge leave the station]

Stacy Forgets Her Name [3.14]

 * Stacy: Tell me, do I know you?
 * Dan: Of course you know me. I'm your nephew, Dan.
 * Stacy: Oh, hi. Nice to meet you, Dan.
 * [they shake hands as Mr. Conductor appears]
 * Mr. Conductor: Hi, Dan. Hello, Stacy. [Stacy looks at him]
 * Stacy: [shrieks] A little man! [hides behind the information desk]
 * Dan: Aunt Stacy, come back! It's only Mr. Conductor!
 * [Mr. Conductor disappears, then reappears on the information desk; Stacy reacts]
 * Mr. Conductor: You don't have to be afraid of me. My name is Mr. Conductor, and I've known you since you were Dan's age. I knew your parents when they were Dan's age. I live here in the signal house on that mural.


 * [Schemer, disguised as his attorney, approaches Stacy just after she has recovered from her amnesia]
 * Schemer: Ah! Ah, Ma'am. Uh, Ma'am, uh, there you are. My client, Mr. Schemer, is hoping that you could re-sign this.
 * Stacy: Yes, uh,... Your client? Ma'am? Since when do you call me ma'am?!
 * Schemer: Uh, it's just a little joke, Jonesy,-- Miss Ma'am,-- Miss Jones.
 * Stacy: Yeah, and it's also important to remember who your friends aren't! Who would take advantage of someone for their own, low, mean-spirited personal gains?!
 * [she removes Schemer's disguise]
 * Schemer: Ouch.
 * [wincing, he sets off]
 * Schemer: Uh, I take it that means you are declining my client's offer?
 * [Stacy ignores him; Schemer shrugs and leaves]

Mr. Conductor's Movie [3.16]

 * Stacy: Ladies and gentlemen, cast and friends, Shining Time Station is proud to present... Oh. Mr. Conductor, what's your title?
 * Mr. Conductor: Producer/director.
 * Stacy: No, no, no, no. I mean, the title of the movie.
 * Mr. Conductor: Oh. A Little Light Madness.
 * Stacy: ...Proud to present, A Little Light Madness, starring... starring everyone.

The Joke's on Schemer [3.17]

 * Didi: Can you believe Schemer? He thinks today's April Fools Day, just 'cause the kids changed the date on the calendar.
 * Tito: And because he's out to trick everyone, he thinks everyone's out to trick him.
 * Rex: Maybe one of us oughta tell Schemer he's makin' a mistake, Tex.
 * Tex: Go right ahead, Rex.
 * Jukebox band: [in unison] Not! [laugh]

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 * Kara: [after the prank pulled on Schemer has backfired] Stacy, we're really sorry.
 * Dan: We let things go too far.
 * Becky: Will Schemer really lose the arcade?
 * Stacy: I don't think so. I think if we talk to Mr. King and explain what happened, everything will be all right, just as long as it doesn't happen again.
 * [Mr. Conductor appears]
 * Stacy: Oh, Mr. Conductor. What do you think? Should we help Schemer?
 * Mr. Conductor: I think so. This wasn't entirely his fault. But we better help him soon so he has time to get ready like me.
 * Dan: Ready for what?
 * Stacy: For tomorrow, which is really April Fools Day. And Schemer's gonna hafta go through this all over again!
 * [all five laugh]

Dan's Big Race [3.20]

 * [just as Schemer and Schemee celebrate the latter's victory in the race, something falls out of Schemee's pocket and clinks to the floor]
 * Schemer: [stops] What was that?
 * Stacy: I was wondering the same thing.
 * Winslow: It's a lug wrench!
 * Stacy: [picks up the wrench] It certainly is. And I bet that this lug wrench will fit Dan's bike.
 * Schemee: Uh-oh. [to his uncle] You said to do anything to win.
 * Schemer: Hey, when I said "anything", I did not mean "anything".
 * Winslow: And that means you're disqualified, Schemee. And I get my nickels back.
 * [Schemer hands Winslow back his nickels]
 * Schemee: That's not fair!
 * Stacy: Fair? Schemee, not only did you break Dan's bike, but you could've caused Dan to have a serious accident. Now, is that fair?
 * Schemee: No.
 * Stacy: Well, I think you owe someone an apology.
 * Schemee: But I won the race.
 * Schemer: Hey, hey, hey! "Won the race"? I lost a pile of nickels, and more importantly than that, I lost the pride of the Schemer name.
 * Schemee: [frowns] I'm really sorry now.
 * Schemer: You're gonna be a lot more sorry when I get you home, take away your bike, and straighten out this curl! [drags his nephew out of the station] Now, c'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Mr. Conductor Gets Left Out [3.21]

 * Stacy: [upon seeing the children fixated on the television sets] Holy couch potato! That's it! No more TV.
 * [she unplugs the sets, shutting off the televisions; the children snap out of their trances]

Once Upon a Time [Special 1]

 * [Mr. Conductor writes in his diary]
 * Mr. Conductor: Dear diary, there's only one way to begin this story. Once upon a time, because it was Founder's Day, the day we celebrate the history of Shining Time Station, I was up bright and early, trying to get things ready. I shampooed the pigeons, cleaned out the wishing well, and I just begun another job.

Second Chances [Special 2]

 * [everybody has discovered that the baseball scoreboard had been desecrated from the spray paint]
 * Felix: Vandalism! Can you imagine that? Right in our own backyard!
 * Ginny: You know, I can't understand why anyone would deface public property.
 * Stacy: What happened?
 * Ginny: Somebody spray-painted all over the baseball scoreboard.
 * Stacy: Are you sure?
 * Felix: This is a new low for our valley.
 * Ginny: Who would do such an awful thing?
 * Kit: [walks in] Hey, Stacy. Have you seen Billy?
 * Stacy: Oh, uh... Yes, Kit. He's waiting for you at the ball park.
 * Kit: Thank you. [leaves the lobby]

One of the Family [Special 3]

 * Kara: [hands Mr. Conductor an envelope] This came in the mail for you today. It has no address on it, but I guess it's for you.
 * Mr. Conductor: [opens the envelope] Let's see. Who could be writing to me?
 * [he extracts a letter from the envelope and reads it]
 * Mr. Conductor: Oh, no. No! This can't be happening! No way!
 * Kara: What's the matter?
 * Mr. Conductor: My sister's coming for a visit.
 * Kara: You have a sister?
 * Mr. Conductor: Well, I know we had the same parents, and we grew up in the same house. But somewhere along the way, my little sister was raised by laughing hyenas.
 * Kara: Little sister? How little is she?
 * Mr. Conductor: Oh, she's grown up now, but you never know it.
 * Kara: What do you mean?
 * Mr. Conductor: Well, you see how neat and polite I am? She's messy and rude. She got away with everything when we were kids.
 * Kara: Like what?
 * Mr. Conductor: One night at dinner, she took off her shoes and socks and put her feet in the mashed potatoes! UGH! Another time, she took my drawings and made paper airplanes out of them!
 * Kara: Well, she was younger then. She wouldn't do that now.
 * Mr. Conductor: Oh? What about the time she threw my favorite mittens in the toilet?!
 * Kara: Maybe she was just trying to have some fun.
 * Mr. Conductor: She had fun, all right. She laughed about it for weeks.
 * Kara: Still, it's nice when relatives come to visit, remember?

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 * Stacy: Harry, I'd like you to meet Billy, Billy Twofeathers. He took your old job-- Engineer, first-class.
 * Harry: [shakes hands with his successor] Hello, Billy.
 * Billy: Oh, I've heard a lot about you, Harry. You left some mighty big shoes to fill around this place.
 * Harry: Thank you, Billy!
 * Stacy: So tell me, what you been up to?
 * Harry: Well, let's see. It's hard to know where to begin. For one thing,...
 * Billy: [in response to the ringing phone] I'll get it.
 * Stacy: Oh, thank you, Billy.
 * [Billy heads for the workshop]
 * Harry: I'm planning on rebuilding an entire steam engine. An old favorite of mine.
 * Billy: It's for you, Stacy!
 * Stacy: Oh, excuse me, Harry.
 * [she heads for the workshop as Billy approaches Harry]
 * Harry: I was just telling Stacy my plans to build an entire steam engine...
 * Mr. King: [barges into the station] Mr. Twofeathers! There's a boiler problem with engine 4. I need you to look at it right away.
 * Billy: No problem. Thanks, Harry. [leaves]
 * Harry: Yeah, yeah, yes, Billy. Yes.
 * Mr. King: [surprised] Harry, is that you?!
 * Harry: Yes!
 * Mr. King: [shakes hands with Harry] Welcome back, old timer!
 * Harry: Hello!
 * Mr. King: What have you been doing with yourself?
 * Harry: Well, I was just telling Billy about my plans to build...
 * Mr. King: [looks at his watch] I'm afraid that'll have to wait, old friend. I have a dozen things to do. What time do you have?
 * Harry: I wouldn't know.
 * Mr. King: But what happened to that gold watch that we gave you when you retired?
 * Harry: Well, it stopped working.
 * Mr. King: I see. Well, we'll get that fixed for you! [leaves] Nice talking to you, Harry.
 * Harry: Yes. Yes.
 * Schemer: [enters and passes Harry] Hey, Harry. How ya doin'? Ah, just great. I'll talk to you later.
 * Harry: Schemer? Schemer? Maybe things have changed around here.

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 * [Mr. Conductor finds his sister with the Jukebox Band]
 * Mr. Conductor: I have been looking everywhere for you!
 * Sister C: Hey, there, big brother! Look at all these tiny people I found. They talk too much, but I've got them under control.
 * Tito: [laughs] Your sister's quite a card. A joker!
 * Rex: She was just tellin' us about when you was younger.
 * Tex: And you ran outside.
 * Rex: And your pants fell down!
 * [the band breaks into laughter]
 * Sister C: Well, that's pretty much the bare facts.
 * Rex: The naked truth.
 * Tex: Yeah, the long and the shorts of it.
 * Mr. Conductor: How could you?!

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 * Schemer: Nobody but nobody stands a chance against us. We shall be victorious in our victory.
 * Schemee: What'd you put in here? A couple of huskies?
 * Schemer: Better than that.
 * Schemee: You didn't stick in little Tommy Havermeyer, the fastest kid in the valley, did ya?
 * Schemer: No! I didn't think of that. [quietly] There's a lawn mower engine in here! [laughs]
 * Schemee: [inspects the seat] Doesn't look like there's much room for a driver.

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 * [Ginny and Midge notice Schemer on his cart going haywire]
 * Midge: My goodness, Ginny! What in the world is Schemer doing?
 * Ginny: Looks like he's mowin' the lawn.
 * Midge: Oh, isn't that nice?

Queen for a Day [Special 4]

 * [Biff and Bull approach the Queen's car]
 * Bull: Now what?
 * Biff: Now what?! She's in there! The old lady with the jewels, remember? And we are gonna steal 'em.
 * Bull: I know that! But how?
 * Biff: We simply uncouple that car, and the rest of the train speeds away, which leaves us here alone with the jewels.
 * Bull: Oh. Okay, let's do it.
 * Biff: By all means, please! Proceed!
 * Bull: I don't know why I'm always the one that has to do all the real work around here!
 * [he reaches for the coupling and detaches it; the rest of the train takes off with the thieves in tow, leaving the Queen's car behind]
 * Biff: Great! Now, we jump for it!
 * Bull: What?
 * Biff: Hurry! Move! Jump!
 * Bull: Jump?! Whattaya mean jump?!
 * Biff: The car with the jewels! It's gettin' away!
 * Bull: Oh, no.
 * Biff: Too late! [smacks his partner] Now look what you've done!
 * Bull: What I done?! It was your idea!
 * Biff: Hey! At least I got an idea, peabrain! [stares at the abandoned car] Look at it! It's gettin' away!

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 * Kit: Hey, Mickey, I'm going to the clubhouse. Are you coming or not?
 * Mickey: The clubhouse? Oh, yes. Quite. I mean, sure thing. [to Kara and Becky] Excuse me, ladies.
 * [as he leaves, Kara and Becky are left astonished]
 * Kara: "Excuse me, ladies"?! He's so... polite.
 * Becky: Should we ask him to be in our play? He'd be a perfect prince.
 * Kara: I don't know. I wonder what a real prince would be like? [Mr. Conductor appears] Hi, Mr. Conductor.
 * Mr. Conductor: Hello, Kara. Hi, Becky.
 * Becky: Mr. Conductor, have you met a real prince?
 * Mr. Conductor: Not exactly, at least not yet. But Thomas has lots of experience with crowned heads. He's even met the Queen.
 * Kara and Becky: [in unison] No!
 * Mr. Conductor: Yes! [blows his whistle]

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 * Mr. Conductor: [notices Biff and Bull on a handcar] Well, it seems we've been dealt a pair of knaves to go with our queen.

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 * [Biff and Bull find Schemer about to part with the handbag full of jewelry]
 * Schemer: Goodbye, jewels.
 * Biff: Nice suitcase, pal.
 * [Schemer, in surprise, snaps the bag shut on his hand]
 * Biff: I said I like your suitcase!
 * Schemer: Oh, thank you very much. It is nice, isn't it?
 * Bull: Just hand it over, mac.
 * Biff: What it is, see,-- We're detectives. Private eyes. And we're on the trail of some hot rocks!
 * Schemer: Hot rocks?
 * Biff: Stolen jewelry, diamonds, pearls-- Stuff like that. We're after a lady with an English accent. She stole 'em, see? She's what we call the perp. You seen her around?
 * Schemer: No, I have not! I don't know any English perps! Can't help you there. No can do.
 * Bull: Just give it here.
 * [he and Biff reach for the bag]
 * Schemer: Stacy! Stacy! [smacks the thieves] Get away from me, you!
 * Stacy: [enters with a baseball bat] Schemer, are you all right?!
 * [Biff and Bull stop and look up at her]
 * Stacy: Can I help you, gentlemen?
 * Biff: G'day, ma'am. We're detectives.
 * Bull: Yeah, private eyes.
 * Biff: And I was wondering,...
 * Bull: You see, your friend there has somethin' that belongs to us, and we'd like it back.
 * Stacy: Schemer?
 * Schemer: [points at the thieves] Bad men! Bad men!
 * Stacy: Do you have something to prove that you're real detectives? A badge, some identification, something like that?
 * [the thieves ponder]
 * Bull: Identification...
 * Biff: A badge, huh? What it is, see,-- We don't hafta tell you who we are, because we are undercover.
 * Stacy: Oh. Well, this is my station. And unless you can prove that you're real detectives,...
 * Bull: No, no, no, no, no, no. Like he said, see, we're under-the-covers.
 * Stacy: Oh. Well, I suggest that you leave.
 * [Biff and Bull laugh]
 * Bull: Who's gonna make us leave, huh? What, you?
 * Stacy: [holds up her bat] That's right! [inches toward Biff and Bull] Now, this happens to be my station. I am the station manager. And I'm not gonna ask you one more time... to leave this station!
 * Biff: [intimidated] We'll be back, pal! We'll be back!
 * [he and Bull retreat]
 * Schemer: [mockingly] "We'll be back, pal! We'll be back!" Run! Run! Run, you little chickens! Run! [laughs] You and me, Jonesy.
 * Stacy: Schemer, what was that all about? What's an English perp?
 * Schemer: No, no, no, no, no, no. A Schemer burp. [burps; gasps] Excuse me, Miss Jones! [apologetically] Excuse me, Miss Jones. Excuse me.
 * [he sets off]
 * Stacy: [exasperatedly] Oh, Schemer.

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 * [Biff and Bull build a smoke bomb]
 * Biff: Old sneakers.
 * [Bull hands him an old pair of sneakers; Biff adds them to the mixture]
 * Biff: Old socks.
 * [Bull hands him an old pair of socks to add to the mixture]
 * Biff: Rotten broccoli!
 * [he holds out his hand, but Bull stays still]
 * Biff: I said rotten broccoli. Hey! [hands his partner a clothespin] I told you to wear one of these, ya dope!
 * [Bull puts the clothespin on his nose]
 * Bull: Sheesh.
 * Biff: Now, rotten broccoli.
 * Bull: [hands him an old head of broccoli] It's so gross!
 * Biff: Well, of course it's gross! It's supposed to be gross. [adds the broccoli to the mixture] When this stink bomb goes off that that talent show, those jewels are gonna be ours!
 * [both men laugh maniacally and continue preparing the smoke bomb]

Series regulars

 * Didi Conn - Stacy Jones
 * Brian O'Connor - Horace Schemer
 * Ringo Starr - Mr. Conductor (season 1)
 * Leonard Jackson - Henry "Harry" Cupper (season 1; 1995 Special 3)
 * Jason Woliner - Matthew "Matt" Jones (Main season 1; Recurring season 2)
 * Nicole Leach - Tanya Cupper (Main season 1; Recurring season 2)
 * George Carlin - Mr. Conductor (seasons 2 & 3; 1995 specials)
 * Erica Luttrell - Kara Cupper (seasons 2 & 3; 1995 specials)
 * Ari Magder - Daniel "Dan" Jones (seasons 2 & 3; 1995 specials 1 & 2)
 * Danielle Marcot - Becky (Recurring seasons 2; Main season 3; 1995 specials)
 * Tom Jackson - Billy Twofeathers (seasons 2 & 3; 1995 specials 1-3)

Recurring

 * Jerome Dempsey - Mayor Osgood Bob Flopdinger (All three seasons; 1995 special 1)
 * Mart Hulswit - Mr. J.B. King, Esq.
 * Bobo Lewis - Midge Smoot
 * Jonathan Shapiro - Schemee (seasons 2 & 3; 1995 specials 2 & 3)
 * Gerard Parkes - Barton Winslow (seasons 2 & 3)
 * Barbara Hamilton - Ginny Johnson (seasons 2 & 3; 1995 specials)
 * Aurelio Padrón - Felix Perez (seasons 2 & 3; specials 2 & 4)

The Jukebox Band

 * Jonathan Freeman - Tito Swing
 * Olga Marin - Didi
 * Wayne White - Tex (1989)
 * Alan Semok - Tex (1990-1995)
 * Craig Marin - Rex
 * Peter Baird/Alan Semok/Vaneese Thomas - Grace the Bass (1989)
 * Peter Baird/Kenny Miele - Grace the Bass (1990-1995)