Shrek 2

Shrek 2 is a 2004 animated film in which Princess Fiona's parents invite her and Shrek to dinner to celebrate her marriage, not knowing that the newlyweds are both ogres. It is a sequel to the previous film.
 * Directed by Andrew Adamson, Kelly Asbury, and Conrad Vernon. Written by Andrew Adamson, Joe Stillman, J. David Stem, and David N. Weiss.

Once Upon Another Time...(taglines)

Puss in Boots

 * I hate Mondays.

Dialogue

 * [first lines]
 * Prince Charming: Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the King and Queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land, everyone was happy...until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. [the scene shows Prince Charming riding on his horse] It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's Keep. [enters the Dragon's Keep] For he was the bravest, [takes off his helmet] and most handsome... [shakes head in slow motion] ...In all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss [sprays in his mouth] would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to the princess' chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her...[gasps, seeing the Big Bad Wolf in Fiona's place]
 * Big Bad Wolf: What?
 * Prince Charming: Princess...Fiona?
 * Big Bad Wolf: No.
 * Prince Charming: [relieved] Oh, thank heavens. Where is she?
 * Big Bad Wolf: She's on her honeymoon.
 * Prince Charming: [shocked] Honeymoon, with whom?!
 * [Scene changes to Shrek and Fiona entering their honeymoon suite out of the gingerbread house]


 * Donkey: Say no more, say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you.
 * Shrek: [angrily] Donkey.
 * Donkey: Yes, roomie?
 * Shrek: You're bothering me.


 * Donkey: Royal ball?! Can I come?
 * Shrek: We're not going.
 * Fiona and Donkey: [shocked] What?
 * Shrek: I mean, don't you think they might be a bit shocked to see you like this?
 * Fiona: Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry, they're gonna love you, too.
 * Shrek: Yeah, right. Somehow, I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club.
 * Fiona: Will you stop it? They're not like that.
 * Shrek: Then how do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
 * Fiona: Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance!
 * Shrek: Oh, to do what, sharpen their pitchforks?
 * Fiona: No, they just want to give you their blessing.
 * Shrek: Oh, great. Now I need their blessing?
 * Fiona: Well, if you wanna be a part of this family, yes!
 * Shrek: And who says I want to be a part of this family?
 * Fiona: You did, when you married me!
 * Shrek: Well, there's some fine print for you!
 * Fiona: [exasperated sigh] So, that's it? You won't come?
 * Shrek: Trust me, it's a bad idea. We are not going, and that's final!


 * Donkey: Are we there yet?
 * Shrek: No.
 * Donkey: Are we there yet?
 * Fiona: Not yet.
 * Donkey: Okay, are we there yet?
 * Fiona: No.
 * Donkey: Are we there yet?
 * Shrek: No!
 * Donkey: Are we there yet?
 * Shrek: Yes.
 * Donkey: Really?
 * Shrek: NO!
 * Donkey: Are we there yet?!
 * Fiona: No!
 * Donkey: Are we there yet?!
 * Shrek: No, we are not!
 * Donkey: ARE WE THERE YET?!?!
 * Shrek and Fiona: [in unison, extremely enraged] NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
 * [Shrek begins angrily mimicking Donkey]
 * Shrek and Donkey: Are we there yet? Hey, that's not funny. Hey, that's really immature. See, this is why nobody likes ogres! All right, your loss!
 * Donkey: I'm going to just stop talking!
 * Shrek: Finally!
 * Donkey: But this is takin' forever, Shrek, there ain't no in-flight movie or nothin'.
 * Shrek: The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far...[softly] away!
 * Donkey: All right, all right. I get it! I'm just so darn bored!
 * Shrek: Well, find a way to entertain yourself. [there's silence for a moment, then Donkey pops his lips, then again, and Shrek grows more impatient, then Donkey pops his lips a third time] Ohh! For 5 minutes, could you not be yourself? [loudly] FOR 5 MINUTES!!! [after another moment of silence, Donkey pops his lips one last time] AAAAARRRGH!!!!!!! ARE WE THERE YET?!?!
 * Fiona: Yes!
 * Donkey: Oh, finally!


 * [Shrek gulps at the dinner table. To his sides sits Lillian and Fiona, and across from him sits Harold. Lillian looks around nervously and Harold angrily stares at Shrek. Shrek, unsure of how to eat the food on his plate properly, plops it in his mouth, and grins with the food still stuck in his teeth. Lillian cringes. Fiona tries to sip her drink courteously.]
 * Fiona: [lets out a loud belch that interrupts a conversation] Oh! Excuse me.
 * Shrek: Better out than in, I always say. Eh, Fiona? [he and Fiona laughed] That's good enough...  [they stopped laughs after neither Harold nor Lillian join in] I guess not.
 * Donkey: [from another room] What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am. [bursts into the scene from the kitchen] Hey! What’s happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. You know I had the hardest time finding this place. [sits next to Harold]
 * Harold: [angrily] No, no! Bad Donkey! Bad, down!
 * Shrek: Hey! That's not nice to bad Donkey.
 * Fiona: No, no, no, Dad! Dad! It’s all right! It’s all right. He’s with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon.
 * Donkey: Yup, that's me: the noble steed. [to the server] Hey, waiter! How ‘bout a bowl for the steed?
 * Shrek: Oh, boy. [slurps from the bowl]
 * Fiona: Um, Shrek?
 * Shrek: Yeah? Oh, sorry! Great soup, Mrs Q. Mmm!
 * Fiona: No, no, no. Darling. [demonstrates that the bowl he ate from is for washing his hands]
 * Shrek: Oh. [chuckles]
 * Lillian: [as the rest does the same] So, Fiona, tell us about where you live?
 * Fiona: Well, Shrek owns his own land. [to Shrek] Don't you, honey?
 * Shrek: Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and...cute little duckies and--
 * Donkey: What?! [laughs] I know you ain’t talking about the swamp!
 * Shrek: [clenches through his teeth] Donkey.
 * Harold: An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original.
 * [Donkey dunks his mouth in his bowl and drinks]
 * Lillian: Well, I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children... [Harold starts choking on his drink and Shrek accidentally swallows his spoon. They both gag until Shrek spits out his spoon onto the table.]
 * Shrek: [chuckles] It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it?
 * Harold: Indeed. I just started eating.
 * Lillian: Harold!
 * Shrek: What's that supposed to mean?
 * Fiona: Dad, it's great, okay?
 * Harold: Well, for his type, yes.
 * Shrek: [offended] My type?!
 * Donkey: [starts to leaved, nervously] Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom.
 * The chef: [he and a host of servers enter the room with dinner, including a whole turkey, lobster, and a pig] Dinner is-a served!
 * Donkey: [sits back down] Never mind, I can hold it.
 * [The servers set the food on the table.]
 * The Chef: Bon appetit!
 * Donkey: Oh, mexican food! My favorite!
 * Lillian: Well, let's just not sit here with our tummies rumbling, everybody dig in.
 * Donkey: Don't mind if I do, Lillian.
 * Harold: [angrily pulls the lobster towards himself] So, I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be--
 * Shrek: [angrily pulls the turkey towards himself] Ogres, yes!
 * Lillian: Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Right, Harold?
 * Harold: Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't [violently stabs the knife into the lobster] EAT your own [violently slices open the lobster]   YOUNG?!
 * Fiona: Dad!
 * Shrek: Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who've been [violently rips off both drumsticks from the turkey] LOCKED away in a tower!!! [angrily takes a bite out of 1 drumstick]
 * Fiona: Shrek, please!
 * Harold: I only did that because I love her!
 * Shrek: Oh, aye! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle?!
 * Harold: You wouldn't understand! You're not her father!
 * [Fiona sighs and facepalms herself as Shrek and Harold angrily continue to ripped apart their food, sending bits and pieces flying across the table]
 * Lillian: It's so nice to have a family together for dinner. [Shrek and Harold angrily stand up and furiously glare at each other, then violently tug over the pig in the middle of the table, accidentally sending it flying upwards] Harold!
 * Fiona: Shrek!
 * Shrek: Fiona?!
 * Harold: Fiona!
 * Fiona: Mom!
 * Lillian: Harold-
 * Donkey: [happily] Donkey! [The pig lands on the table with a thuds. Fiona angrily stands up and glares at Harold and Shrek, then runs out of the room, causing Harold to get enraged and Shrek to sigh]


 * Shrek: Fiona? Fiona? [barges into the room along with Donkey]
 * [The Fairy Godmother gasps at Shrek]
 * Donkey: Oh, you got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo.
 * Fiona: Oh, um, Fairy Godmother, furniture, I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek.
 * Fairy Godmother: [confused] Your husband? What did you say? When did this happen?
 * Fiona: Shrek is the one who rescued me.
 * Fairy Godmother: [angrily] But that can't be right!
 * Shrek: Oh, great! More relatives!
 * Fiona: She's just trying to help.
 * Shrek: Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving.
 * Fiona: What?!
 * Donkey: Leaving? I don't wanna leave.
 * Fiona: When did you decide this?
 * Shrek: [as he is packs] Shortly after arriving.
 * Fiona: [remorsefully] Look, I'm sorry...
 * Fairy Godmother: No, no, no, that's okay. I need to go anyway. But remember, dear, if you should ever need me, [whips out a "Happiness" business card] happiness is just a teardrop away.
 * Shrek: [rudely snatches the "Happiness" card from the Fairy Godmother] Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy...
 * Fairy Godmother: So I see. [laughs in a not so good way] Let's go, Kyle. [Kyle whips the horses on the carriage and he and the Fairy Godmother leaves]
 * Fiona: [sarcastically] Very nice, Shrek.
 * Shrek: What? I told you that comin' here was a bad idea.
 * Fiona: You could have at least tried to get along with my father.
 * Shrek: You know, somehow, I don't think I was going to get daddy's blessing, even if I did want it.
 * Fiona: [as a bichon Frise starts barks] Well, do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted?
 * Shrek: Sure. Do you want me to pack for you?!
 * Fiona: You're unbelievable! You're behavin' like a... [pauses; sighs]
 * Shrek: Go on, say it!
 * Fiona: Like an OGRE!?
 * Shrek: Well, here's a newsflash for you, whether your parents like it or not, I AM AN OGRE! [a bichon Frise continues barks, Shrek angrily roars at the bichon Frise, causing it to whimper in fright and cover its eyes with its paws] And guess what, princess, That's not about to change.
 * Fiona: [sadly walks to the door] I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. [leaves]
 * Donkey: That's real smooth, Shrek. [mimics Shrek] "I'm an ogre! AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGHHH!!" [Shrek screams]''


 * Harold: I knew this would happen!
 * Lillian: You should. You started it.
 * Harold: I can hardly believe that, Lillian. I mean, really, he's the ogre, not me.
 * Lillian: I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona's choice.
 * Harold: Yes, but she was supposed to choose the prince we picked out for her! I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... this... thing?
 * Lillian: Fiona does, and she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. [Harold sighs]


 * Fairy Godmother: [to Harold] You remember my son Prince Charming? [showin' him sitting next to her]
 * Harold: Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When did you get back?
 * Charming: [irritated] Oh, about 5 minutes ago, actually. [raised tone] After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert, I climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower-!
 * Fairy Godmother: [cuts him off] Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. [to King Harold, using the same hostile tone Charming used earlier] He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess… is already married!
 * Harold: [stammers] I mean, it wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time.
 * Fairy Godmother: [to Kyle; shouts] STOP THE CAR! [Kyle screeches the carriage to a stop] Harold. You force me to do something I really don't want to do.
 * Harold: [gasps] Where are we?
 * Fast-food Clerk: Well, hi there! Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy. May I take your order?
 * Fairy Godmother: My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy. Uh, okay. Two renaissance wraps, no mayo… chili rings…
 * Charming: I'll have the medieval meal.
 * Fairy Godmother: One medieval meal and, Harold, curly fries?
 * Harold: No thank you.
 * Fairy Godmother: Sourdough soft taco, then? What do you want?
 * Harold: No, really, I'm fine.
 * Fast-food Clerk: [gives Fairy Godmother their meals] Your order, Fairy Godmother. [also gives her a free double-headed axe] And this comes with the medieval meal.
 * Fairy Godmother: [gives the axe to Charming] Here you are, dear. You see, we made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part.
 * Harold: [sighs deeply] Indeed not.
 * Fairy Godmother: So, Fiona and Charming will be together.
 * Harold: Yes.
 * Fairy Godmother: Oh, believe me Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter… [takes a bite of her wrap and talks with her mouth full] but for your kingdom.
 * [The carriage pulls up back at the castle and one of Fairy Godmother's henchmen shoves Harold out]
 * Harold: Well, what am I supposed to do about it?
 * Fairy Godmother: [tosses the double-headed axe into his hands] Use your imagination.


 * Shrek: Face it, Donkey, were lost.
 * Donkey: ?
 * Shrek: Aye.
 * Donkey: ?
 * Shrek: ?
 * Donkey: ?
 * Shrek: ?


 * Donkey: Did I missed?
 * Shrek: No, you got him.
 * Puss: [after attacks Shrek] Now, ye ogre! Pray for mercy from... [slashes "P" on the tree] Puss...in Boots!
 * Shrek: [Growls in rage] I'll kill that cat!
 * Donkey: No, he's not.
 * Puss: Ah-ha-ha! [He drops the sword, then starts heaving for a second, confusing Shrek and Donkey. Then spits out the hairball and coughs] [chuckles] Hairball.
 * Donkey: Oh, that is nasty.
 * Shrek: [picks up Puss by the back of the neck] What do you reckon we should do with him?
 * Donkey: I say we take the sword and neuter him right here. Give him the Bob Barker treatment!
 * Puss: [frightened] Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor! I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The king offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers-
 * Shrek: [covers his Puss' mouth with his Shrek's finger] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this?
 * Puss: The rich king? Sí. [Shrek drops Puss to the ground, Puss screeches]
 * Shrek: [sighs] Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing.
 * Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek, don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you.
 * Shrek: [sits on the rock] Gee, thanks. [looks down at the river reflection and sighs] Maybe Fiona would have been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming.
 * Puss: Sí, that's what the king said. [Donkey gives him a dirty look] Oh, uh...sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.
 * Donkey: [walks over to Shrek] Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her.
 * Shrek: Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just...I just wish I could make her happy. [pauses out] Hold the phone... [pulls out Fairy Godmother's business card] "Happiness." [flips it over] "A tear drop away." Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you.
 * Donkey: Oh, man, where do I begin? Well first there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. I ain't never got over that. Then this fool went off and had a party and he had the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got all drunk and start beatin' me with a stick going, "Piñata! Piñata!" What is a piñata, anyway?!
 * Shrek: No, Donkey, I need you to cry!
 * Donkey: Yeah, well don't go projecting on me! I know you're feelin' bad, but you gotta let your own- [Puss angrily stomps on his hoof] OWWWW!!!!!! [whimpers and tears] You little hairy litter-licking sack of...
 * [Donkey's tear sheds and Shrek lets it fall onto the card. A bubble is conjured, and Fairy Godmother appears in it]
 * Fairy Godmother: ["Voice Message" Bubble forms after landing] What? Is it on? Is it on? [clears her throat] This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After! [Bubble pops]
 * Donkey: Ohhh.
 * Shrek: Are you up for a little quest, Donkey?
 * Donkey: That's more like it! Shrek and Donkey, on another whirlwind adventure! [singing] Ain't no stoppin' us now! Whoo! We're on the move!
 * Puss: Stop, ogre! I have misjudged you.
 * Shrek: Join the club. We've got jackets.
 * Puss: On my honor, I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life as you have spared me mine.
 * Donkey: I'm sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken. Let's go, Shrek! [sees Shrek walking to Puss] Shrek? [slight pauses out; Shrek looks down at Puss, who gives him a cute, helpless look. Shrek smiles] Shrek?!
 * Shrek: Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly. Aw, let's keep him!
 * Donkey: Say what?!?! [Puss purrs and Shrek marvels at his cuteness. Donkey groans in frustration]
 * Shrek: Aw, listen. He’s purring!
 * Donkey: Oh, so now it's cute!
 * Shrek: Aw, come on, Donkey. Lighten up.
 * Donkey: Lighten up?! Oh, I should lighten up?! Look who's telling who to lighten up!


 * [Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive at the Fairy Godmother's potion factory]
 * Shrek: Hi. I'm here to see...
 * Jerome: The Fairy Godmother. I'm sorry, she is not in.
 * Fairy Godmother: [from the gramophone intercom] Jerome, coffee and a monte christo. Now!
 * Jerome: [sighs] Yes, Fairy Godmother. Right away. [to Shrek] Look, she's not seeing any client today, okay?
 * Shrek: That's okay, buddy. We're from the union.
 * Jerome: The union?
 * Shrek: We represent the workers in all magical industries both evil and benign.
 * Jerome: Oh, oh, right.
 * Shrek: Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?
 * Jerome: Uh... [turns the gramophone intercom away from him] A little. W-We don't even have dental.
 * Shrek: [whispers to Donkey] They don't even have dental. [to Jerome] Okay, we're just gonna have a look around. Oh, by the way, I think it would better if the Fairy Godmother didn't know we were here. Know what I'm saying? Huh?
 * Donkey: Hmm?
 * Shrek: Huh?
 * Donkey: Huh, huh, huh?!
 * Shrek: Stop it.
 * Jerome: Of course. Go right in.


 * Shrek: Alright, look lady?!
 * Fairy Godmother: Don’t you point…those dirty green sausages at me!


 * Shrek: Hurry! [Puss pulls the blue potion] Nice catch, Donkey.
 * Puss: Finally! A good use of your mouth.
 * [more potions drop, the siren sounds and the door begins to close]
 * Shrek: C'mon!


 * [after escaping Fairy Godmother's potion factory]
 * Shrek: [reading the potion bottle] "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. "For you and your true love. "If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. "Happiness, comfort and beauty divine."
 * Donkey: [confused] You both will be fine?
 * Shrek: I guess it means it'll affect Fiona too. [opens the potion bottle]
 * Donkey: Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. So why don't you just drop that jug o' voodoo, and let’s get out of here.
 * Shrek: It says "beauty divine". How bad can it be? [sniffs the potion and sneezes]
 * Donkey: A-ha! See, You're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again!
 * Puss: Boss, just in case there is something wrong with the potion… allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honor to lay my life on the line for you.
 * Donkey: Oh, no, no. I don’t think so. If there’ll be any animal testing, I’ll do it. That’s the best friend’s job. Now give me that bottle. [Donkey snatches the potion bottle from Shrek's hands with his mouth, which starts drinking it, but Shrek snatches it back from Donkey.]
 * Shrek: How do you feel?
 * Donkey: I don't feel any different. Do I look any different?
 * Puss: You still look like an ass to me.
 * Shrek: Maybe it doesn't work on donkeys. Well, here's to us, Fiona.
 * Donkey: Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back.
 * Shrek: I know.
 * Donkey: No more wallowing in the mud?
 * Shrek: I know.
 * Donkey: No more itchy butt crack?
 * Shrek: I know!
 * Donkey: But you love being an ogre!
 * Shrek: I know! [sighs] But I love Fiona more.
 * [Shrek starts chugging the potion]
 * Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait! [Shrek swallows the potion, then feels his stomach gurglin'. Donkey and Puss hides behind the rock, then Shrek farts.] Got to be… I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion.
 * Puss: Maybe is a dud.
 * Shrek: Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be.
 * [Dark storm clouds come above Shrek, Donkey and Puss]
 * Donkey: Uh-oh. What did I tell you? I feel something coming on. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die! [rain starts pouring, soaking the trio and getting them wet] Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy!? I'm melting!   I'M MELTING!!
 * Shrek: It's just the rain, Donkey. [Donkey chuckles, they head to a barn for some shade. The blue ooze from Shrek's sneeze reaction on the mushroom transforms into a rose.]
 * Comandante: [disembodied] Where's Puss in Boots?!
 * Donkey: Uh, it's Far Far Away.


 * [after Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrived at the barn for shelter]
 * Donkey: Oh, don’t worry. Things seem bad because it’s dark and rainy and Fiona’s father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you. [Puss hisses] lt’ll be better in the morning. You'll see. [sings, then gets dizzy] The sun’ll come out… Tomorrow... Bet your bottom...
 * Shrek: Bet my bottom?
 * Donkey: I'm comin', Elizabeth! [faints]
 * Shrek: Donkey? A-Are you all right?
 * Puss: Hey, boss. Let's shave him.
 * Shrek: [gets dizzy] D-Donkey. [groans and faints, Puss yowls offscreen]


 * Shrek: It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place.
 * Puss: I hate Mondays.


 * Fiona: AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
 * Shrek: Fiona!
 * Fiona: Shrek?


 * Harold: Fairy Godmother. Charming.
 * Fairy Godmother: Ugh, you'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold.
 * Harold: Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming.
 * Charming: Umm, FYI, not my fault.
 * Fairy Godmother: No, no, of course it's not, dear.
 * Charming: I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre?
 * Harold: No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay?
 * Fairy Godmother and Charming: [In unison, shocked] What?!
 * Harold: I mean, you can't force someone to fall in love!
 * Fairy Godmother: Oh I beg to differ. I do it all the time. [pulls out the Love Potion vial and hands it to Harold, and he takes it] Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming.
 * Harold: Umm, no.
 * Fairy Godmother: What did you say?
 * Harold: [stutters] I...I...I can't. I...I won't do it.
 * Fairy Godmother: Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. [sticks her wand in his face] Is that what you want? Is it?
 * Harold: No.
 * Fairy Godmother: [puts down her wand] Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. Y'know he's all high in the front, he can never get to the back. You always need someone to do the back of your hair.
 * Charming: Oh. Thank you, mother.
 * Donkey: [from outside the window, shocked] Mother?! [Fairy Godmother, Charming and Harold turn their heads fast to see Shrek, Donkey and Puss outside the window, hearing everything]
 * Shrek: Um, Mary! A talkin' horse!
 * Fairy Godmother: [enraged] THE OGRE! [Shrek, Donkey, and Puss ride away from the Poison Apple, she flies after them and tells the knights get them] STOP THEM!! THIEVES!! BANDITS!! STOP THEM!!!


 * Captain: Catnip...
 * Puss: That's, uh, not mine...


 * Donkey: I gotta get outta here! You can't lock us like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, "You have the right to remain silent." Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!?
 * Shrek: Donkey, you have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.
 * Puss: [camera shows just Puss] I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.
 * Pinocchio: Shrek? Donkey?
 * Puss: [looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him] Too late.
 * Shrek: Gingy, Pinocchio, get us out of here!


 * Shrek: Quick, tell a lie!
 * Pinocchio: What should I say?
 * Donkey: Say something crazy, like, "I'm wearing ladies underwear!?"
 * Pinocchio: I'm wearing ladies underwear.
 * [Silence]
 * Shrek: Are you?
 * Pinocchio: I most certainly am not! [his nose extends]
 * Donkey: It looks like you most certainly am are!
 * Pinocchio: I am not! [his nose extends more]
 * Puss: What kind?
 * Gingy: It's a thong! [pulls at his pink thong and lets it slap back]
 * Pinocchio: Ow! They're briefs!
 * Gingy: [takes the key and runs across Pinocchio's nose as it continues to extend with each denial] Are not!
 * Pinocchio: Are too!
 * Gingy Are not!
 * Pinocchio: Are too!
 * Gingy: [reaches Shrek and uses the key to free Shrek, Donkey, and Puss] All right, here we go. Hang tight.
 * [Shrek lands his feet on the cell floor. Then Puss]
 * Donkey: Wait, wait, wait! Ow! Ow! Hey, hey, hey! [lands on his back on the cell floor] Ow!
 * [Shrek looks at the Far Far Away palace from outside the window]
 * Shrek: [hears a muffled voice] What? [sees the mouse's tail sticking out from Puss' mouth] Puss!
 * Puss: Hmm? [spits out a blind mouse] Sorry, boss.
 * Shrek: Quit messing around! We've got to stop that kiss!
 * Donkey: Oh, I thought you were gonna let her go.
 * Shrek: I was, but I can't let him do this to Fiona.
 * Donkey: Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's finally coming around!
 * Puss: It's impossible! We'll never get in. The castle is guarded and there is a moat and everything!
 * Gingy: Well, folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a popsicle stick. [pausing; Shrek looks at Gingy] What?
 * Shrek: Do you still know the muffin man?
 * Gingy: Well, sure. He's down on Drury Lane. Why?
 * Shrek: Because we're gonna need flour. Lots and lots of flour.


 * Shrek: There it is, Mongo, to the castle! Nonononono, ?


 * Mongo: [drowns] Be good.


 * [Shrek and Donkey barged into the ball to rescue Fiona]
 * Shrek: [to Charming] Hey, you! Back away from my wife!
 * Fiona: [puzzled] Shrek?
 * Fairy Godmother: You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone!
 * Shrek: [to the pigs] Now!
 * Pigs: [starts the battle] Pigs and blanket!


 * Fairy Godmother: Harold! You supposed to give her the potion!
 * Harold: Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea.


 * [The clock strucks midnight]
 * Puss: Boss! The Happily Ever After potion!
 * Shrek: Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever?
 * Fiona: What?
 * Shrek: Because if you kiss me now… we can stay like this.
 * Fiona: You'd do that? For me?
 * Shrek: Yes.
 * Fiona: I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after… [Shrek starts to lean a little closer to kiss her but she puts her hand on his mouth] With the ogre I married.
 * Puss: Whatever happens, I must not cry. You cannot make me cry. [starts to sob]


 * [last lines; post credits]
 * Donkey: [singing] All by myself, Don't wanna be all by myself... anymore
 * Puss: [enters with two ladies] Amigo. We are off to the Kit Kat club. Come on, join us.
 * Donkey: Thanks, compadre. I’m… I’m not in the mood.
 * Puss: We will cheer you up! Find you a nice burro!
 * [A roar is heard]
 * Donkey: [delighted] Hey, baby!
 * [The Dragon from the first film flies in the scene.]
 * Donkey: Hey, that’s my girl! Yeah! All right! Baby, where you been? [Dragon cries] I’m sorry, too. I should’ve stayed. But Shrek had this thing he had to do. What? Say it one more time. What you talking about? Are you serious?
 * [A baby dronkey flies in.]
 * Dronkey: Papa!
 * [One fire breathes which Donkey avoids, screams while seeing the baby dronkeys flying into him to hug. Donkey laughs.]
 * Donkey: Look at our little mutant babies! [The Dragon blows a pink heart-shaped smoke. Cut to black.] I got to get a job.

Far Far Away Idol

 * Shrek: No, you're really on fire!

Cast

 * Mike Myers — Shrek
 * Eddie Murphy — Donkey
 * Cameron Diaz — Princess Fiona
 * Julie Andrews — Queen Lillian
 * Antonio Banderas — Puss in Boots
 * John Cleese — King Harold
 * Rupert Everett — Prince Charming
 * Jennifer Saunders — The Fairy Godmother
 * Frank Welker — Dragon, Dronkeys
 * Guillermo del Toro as Comandante (disembodied)
 * Aron Warner — Big Bad Wolf
 * Cody Cameron — Pinocchio, Three Pigs
 * Conrad Vernon — Gingy, Muffin Man, Mongo
 * Chris Knights — Blind Mouse
 * Larry King — Ugly Stepsister
 * Chris Miller — Magic Mirror
 * Joan Rivers — Herself

Taglines

 * In Summer 2004, They're Back for More.
 * Once Upon Another Time...
 * Not So Far, Far Away.