Shrek the Third

Shrek the Third (or Shrek III, also known as Shrek 3, or Shrek 3: Escape of Tower) is a 2007 film in which, after being reluctantly designated as the heir to the land of Far, Far Away, Shrek hatches a plan to install the rebellious Artie as the new king while Princess Fiona tries to fend off a coup d'état by the jilted Prince Charming. Shrek was a first sequel in 2001, Shrek 2 was a second sequel in 2004, and Shrek Forever After was a third sequel in 2010.
 * Directed by Chris Miller. Written by Jeffrey Price and Peter S. Seaman, Chris Miller, and Aron Warner, based on Shrek! by William Steig.

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Shrek

 * Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona, and I never will be.
 * Well, somebody better be dying.
 * Better out than in, I always say. [chuckles]
 * [screams, groans] Donkey. Donkey! Wake up!
 * Oh, Arthur, come out, come out, wherever you are!
 * We're here for the mascot contest, too.
 * Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon?

Dialogue

 * [First lines; The movie begins with a familiar beam of light shines down. These beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming rides the horse his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane]
 * Prince Charming: Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower, where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming! [Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moves background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience]
 * Gingerbread Man: This is worse than "Love Letters". I hate dinner theater!
 * Pinocchio: Me, too. [his nose grows]
 * Prince Charming: [rides to the base of the tower] Whoa there, Chauncey! [dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground, and strikes a dramatic pose]
 * Actress: [as the princess, leaning from the tower window] Hark! The brave Prince Charming approacheth.
 * Prince Charming: [puffing his chest out] Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you, then take my place as rightful king. [An old couple at a table look confused]
 * Old Lady: [to the old man] What did she say? [Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage. The whole crowd erupts into applauses]
 * Gingerbread Man: Yeah! It's Shrek!
 * Little Pigs and Pinocchio: Whoo, Shrek, yeah!
 * Prince Charming: [ignoring the cheers, pulls out his sword, and confronts the Shrek-like beast] Prepare, foul beast, to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar!
 * Waiter: [singing while carrying a birthday cake] Happy birthday to thee / Happy birthday to thee
 * Prince Charming: Do you mind?! [hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade]
 * Gingerbread Man: Do you mind?! Boring! [The audience laughs]
 * Prince Charming: [glares at them, then rises to recover, and points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple] Prepare, foul beast... [looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience] Someday, you'll be sorry.
 * Heckler: [off-screen] We already are! [They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse, and exits]
 * Ogre Mascot: Grr! ''[The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make-shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture]
 * Prince Charming: [heavy sobs] Mommy... [weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face] You're right. I can't let this happen. I CAN'T! [looks at the castle on the hill. He stands up, faces the castle, and holds his chin up high] I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother, I will restore dignity to my throne! [a big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to the crowd] And this time, no one will stand in my way. [crumples up the newspaper in his fists. The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing. The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up]
 * Shrek: Good morning.
 * Princess Fiona: Good morning. [dreaming] Morning breath.
 * [Shrek breathes in and smiles]
 * Shrek: [dreaming] I know. Isn't it wonderful?
 * [The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes.]
 * Donkey: [singing] Good morning, good morning! [Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused] The sun is shining through / Good morning, good morning [coming closer and closer to Shrek] To you! [to Fiona] And you! [to the Dronkeys] And you! [the Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path as Puss comes in] They grow up so fast.
 * Shrek: [greatly annoyed] Not fast enough. [lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed]
 * Puss in Boots: [leaps onto the bed] Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. Several functions require your attendance, sir.
 * Shrek: Great! Let's get started. [immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore]
 * Donkey: Come on, lazybones. Time to get moving! [yanks off the sheets, surprised to see Shrek's bare legs] AHH!!! You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies!
 * [Then the title "Shrek the Third" appears on the stain glass window, as the movie begins. The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the begin titles over is superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church. Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous]
 * Eels: [singing] I got some sleep and I needed it / Not a lot, just a little bit / Someone's always trying to keep me from it. [Shrek holds a sword, but he doesn't have any idea what he is supposed to do with it] It's a crying shame / It's a royal pain in the neck.
 * Shrek: [looks at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword, and starts to knight the knight] I knight thee. [accidentally stabs the knight] Heh, heh. Ooh.
 * [The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them]
 * Donkey: Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real king. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek, please?!
 * Raul: [stares at Shrek, who raises his eyebrow] Ahem. I will see what I can do.
 * [He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly, Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chain saw. Vroom! Vroom! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked]
 * Princess Fiona: Ow!
 * [Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rips it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. Pop! A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. Reveal: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps]
 * Donkey: Oh!
 * Puss in Boots: [rolls his eyes] Yeah, wow.
 * Princess Fiona: [feeling uncomfortable] Uh, is this really necessary?
 * Raul: [to Shrek] Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona.
 * Shrek: I'm Shrek, you twit.
 * Raul: Whatever.
 * Puss in Boots: Okay, peoples. This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle!
 * Donkey: Smiles, everyone! Smiles!
 * [Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood]
 * Shrek: I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona.
 * Princess Fiona: I'm sorry, Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. [Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh] Shrek?
 * Shrek: Yeah.
 * Princess Fiona: You look handsome.
 * Shrek: Ah. Come here, you. [she gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and he leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. They let out a huge breath of air] Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. [tries to scratch his butt but to no avail] Oh. [whistles] Hey, you! Come here. [a man holding a ruby scepter walks over to him] What's your name?
 * Fiddlesworth: Uh, Fiddlesworth, sir.
 * Shrek: Hoo-hoo-hoo. Perfect.
 * [The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona]
 * Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek!
 * [The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt]
 * Shrek: Ahh! You've done it. A little to the left, yeah. That's great.
 * Princess Fiona: Uh, Shrek?
 * [Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention]
 * Shrek: Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh, that's it! Oh, that's good.
 * Princess Fiona: Shrek...
 * Shrek: Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing! You're on it. That's great!
 * Princess Fiona: Shrek! [Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly, Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye]
 * Donkey: [stumbling through the crowd, screamed] Ow! My eye! My eye! [grabs hold of a lady in the crowd]
 * Woman: What are you doing?! [pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocks over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona]
 * Shrek: Fiona! [trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapped him]
 * Fiddlesworth: Uhhh... [whimpers]
 * Shrek: [has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor] Are you okay?
 * Princess Fiona: Yeah. I'm fine. [her eyes widen]
 * Fiddlesworth: [his jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers] Ahhhh!!! [The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire]
 * Donkey: Oh! Shrimp! My favorite! [blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide. Crash! Bang!]


 * Harold: He's named is Arthur.
 * Shrek: Arthur? [Harold coughs]


 * [At the Poison Apple Pub]
 * Prince Charming: What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? [Mabel turns around in front of him] Ah, Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. Where's Doris, taking the night off?
 * Mabel: She's not welcome here, and neither are you. [spits into the mug] What do you want, Charming? [wipes the mug with a cloth]
 * Prince Charming: Oh not much, just a chance at redemption... [laughs] and a Fuzzy Navel. [stands up and turns to the villains] And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends!
 * [Captain Hook angrily rips across the piano keys with his hook, the Singing witch angrily bares her teeth at Charming, the Evil Queen angrily breaks her pool cue stick, and Stromboli angrily smashes his beer mug]
 * Captain Hook: We're not your friends. [Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar; he then places his hook against his neck] And you, don't belong here.
 * Prince Charming: You are right, oh, I mean, you are absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us?
 * Cyclops: Do a number on his face!!!!
 * Prince Charming: No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. [to the Evil Queen] Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White and then what happened?
 * Evil Queen: Oh, what's it to you?
 * Prince Charming: They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel?
 * Evil Queen: [remorsefully] Pretty unfair.
 * Prince Charming: [to Stromboli] And you! Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father.
 * Stromboli: I hate that little wooden puppet.
 * Prince Charming: And Hook...need I say more? [Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage] And you! Frumpy-pigskin.
 * Rumpelstiltskin: Rumpelstiltskin.
 * Prince Charming: Where's that first-born you were promised? [Rumpelstiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm; turns to Mabel] Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? [Mabel sighs depressingly] Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating bonbons, cavorting with every little last fairy-tale creature that has EVER done you wrong! [turns his attention to the villains] Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?!
 * [The villains cheer rowdily, but then start to have a big brawl in the pub. Charming looks and drinks his Fuzzy Navel]


 * Puss in Boots: [talking to cats] It's out of my hands, senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny, but I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. [another female cats talking] As are you... [to another female cat] And you... [more cats arguing at each other] And, uh...hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. [another cat yells angrily] I gotta go. [leaves]


 * Princess Fiona: [feeling her stomach] Shrek!
 * Shrek: [calling out to her] Yeah?!
 * Princess Fiona: Wait!
 * Shrek: What is it?!
 * Princess Fiona: [taking a deep breath] I'm...I'm... [but was cut off by the ship captain's fog horn]
 * Shrek: [laughs] I love you too, honey!
 * Princess Fiona: No! No, I said I'm- [cut off by the fog horn again]
 * Shrek: [grabs the fog horn from the captain, and throws it overboard] You're what?!
 * Princess Fiona: I said I'm pregnant!
 * [The fairytale creatures cheer]
 * Shrek: [can't believe his ears] Oh...what was that?!
 * Princess Fiona: You're going to be a father!
 * Shrek: [nervous laugh] That's great.
 * Princess Fiona: Really?! I'm glad you think so! I love you!?
 * Shrek: [smiles back at Fiona] Yeah... [nervous laugh] Me, too. You...
 * [Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing]
 * Donkey: [pops up onto the railing] I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle! I'M GOING TO BE AN UNCLE!!!
 * Puss in Boots: Oh, and you, my friend, are royally- [the different fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog]


 * [The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself. Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door]
 * Shrek: Ahhh. Home. [smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right outside of his swamp house. He leaps off the boat] Whoo-hoo! [takes a deep breath of swamp air] Ahh. [skips and dances happily toward his house]
 * Princess Fiona: [off-screen] Shrek!
 * Shrek: Ooh. [laughs, sashays through the front door with his eyes closed, presenting himself] Fiona?! [after a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that Fiona is not there] Fiona?! [looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed behind him. A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him, with a light shining on it. He turns slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket. Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling innocently at him] Oh, no. [the baby burps] Better out than in, I always say. [chuckles. This time, the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed directly at him] Whoa! [puts his hand up to block the vomit, but to no avail] WHOA!!! [the baby continues to vomit, but eventually stops after completely soiling themselves. The baby looks like it's about to sobs] No, no, no, no! It's okay. [the baby cries] It's gonna be all right. [picks up the baby, smiling at it cautiously. He holds it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes that his house is filled with babies]
 * Ogre Baby: Dada!
 * [Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls, and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him. Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a baby out of the cauldron]
 * Shrek: Stop! Hey, wait! No! [panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf. Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs through the room picking up babies. After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides open the curtain to his bedroom] Huh? [sees a baby sitting in his bed]
 * Ogre Baby: [looks up at him with a shrug] Ba ba pants.
 * [Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around. Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace. First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow. Hundreds of them start piling in. Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind. Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet. He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his high school. Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked. Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose himself]
 * Shrek: [screams, groans] Donkey. Donkey! Wake up!
 * [Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. Shrek screams in horror. As the camera zooms in, his eyes glow red and his teeth became sharp and pointy.]
 * Donkey: [with ogre baby head] Dada!
 * [A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again, screaming. Donkey and Puss wake up]
 * Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Are you okay?
 * Shrek: [breathing and composing himself] Oh, I can't believe I'm going to be a father. [Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to the ship's railing] How did this happen?
 * Puss in Boots: Allow me to explain. When a man has feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him.
 * Shrek: I know how it happened. I just can't believe it.
 * Donkey: [to Puss in Boots] How does it happen?
 * [Puss in Boots rolls his eyes at Donkey]


 * Donkey: Worcester-shiree? Now, that sounds fancy!
 * Shrek : It's "Worcestershire".
 * Donkey: Like the sauce? Mmm. It's spicy!


 * [Shrek and Puss in Boots search the hallways, looking for Artie]
 * Shrek: Oh, Arthur, come out, come out, wherever you are!
 * [Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss in Boots look as Donkey bursts out of the locker. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing]
 * Donkey: [angrily] Yeah, you better run, you little punk no-goodniks! 'Cause the days of little Donkey Dumpy Drawers are over!
 * [An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped to Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a hall monitor who stops them]
 * Hall Monitor: Hold it.
 * [Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor]
 * Student 1: We're here for the mascot contest.
 * Student 2: Grr!
 * [The hall monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea]
 * Shrek: [pleased with himself] We're here for the mascot contest, too.
 * Hall Monitor: [suspicious] This is a costume? [reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin]
 * Shrek: [trying to hide the pain] Ay! Worked on it all night long. [struggling not to scream in agony]
 * Hall Monitor: [lets Shrek's face snap back into the place, and still suspicious] Looks pretty real to me.
 * Puss in Boots: If he were real, could I do this? [throws his Batarangs deep into Shrek's butt]
 * Donkey: Or this? [kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs]
 * Shrek: [winces, sweats, and unbelievably strained] If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful.
 * Donkey: Now watch this!
 * Shrek: [interrupting; through gritted teeth] That's quite enough, boys.


 * Arthur Pendragon: [to Shrek] Please, don't eat me.
 * Students and Teacher: Eat him! Eat him! Eat him!
 * Shrek: I'm not here to eat him!
 * Students and Teacher: [groaning] Aww.
 * Shrek: It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You are the new king of Far Far Away.
 * Arthur Pendragon: What?!
 * Lancelot: Artie? King? More like a Mayor of Loserville!
 * [Everyone laughs]


 * Captain Hook: [looming over a young boy threateningly with his hook] Well, well, well! If it isn't Peter Pan!
 * Mother: His name's not Peter!
 * Captain Hook: Shut it, Wendy.
 * [Mother screams in terror]


 * [Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio's head towards him]
 * Prince Charming: You! You can't lie. So tell me, puppet...where is Shrek?
 * Pinocchio: [turns his body around, thinks nervously] Well...I don't know where he's not.
 * Prince Charming: [gets in Pinocchio's face] You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is?
 * Pinocchio: [still a little nervous] It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume, that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect.
 * Prince Charming: So you do know where he is!
 * Pinocchio: On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably...
 * Prince Charming: Stop it!
 * Pinocchio: ...I do not know where he shouldn't be. [Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated] If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was, it could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't.
 * Gingy: [continues to singing "Lollipop Song"] On the good ship Lollipop...


 * Puss: What did I say?


 * Shrek: [to Artie shortly after they crash the boat] If you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't! We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another! And you're gonna be a father!
 * Arthur Pendragon: [confused] What?
 * Donkey: [to Shrek] You just said father!
 * Shrek: [to Artie] I said...king, you're gonna be king!
 * Artie: [imitating Shrek] You're gonna be king! [reverts back to his normal voice] Yeah, right. [walks away]
 * Shrek: Where do you think you're going?!
 * Arthur Pendragon: Far, far away, from YOU!!!
 * Shrek: You get back here, young man! Now, I mean it!
 * [But Artie walks away again]


 * Shrek: Listen, Artie. Eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean if it doesn't groove or what I'm sayin' ain't straight trippin' just say, "Oh, no you didn't! You know, you're gettin' on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's... then I'll - I'll know it's whack! [gets hit in the face with a branch that Artie had evidently pulled back]
 * Artie: [runs up to Merlin's house] Somebody help! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me! [knocks on the door of a tree incessantly] Hello! Hello!
 * [A holograph of Merlin emits from a crystal a few feet adjacent to the door]
 * Merlin: Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare- [the holograph cuts off; comes out the front door and says] I knew I should have got that warranty. [bangs on the holograph, which gives him an electric shock]
 * Artie: [recognizing him] Mr. Merlin?


 * Artie: This is lame.
 * Merlin: [whacks him] You're lame.


 * Shrek: (Quiet, you!) Alright, alright, journey to the soul.


 * Fiona: Charming, let go of her!
 * Prince Charming: But why would I want to do that?
 * Rapunzel: [looks at Charming] Woof!
 * [They both share a kiss, much to the squad's shock]
 * Fiona: [anonymous] What?
 * Prince Charming: Say hello ladies to the new queen of Far Far Away!
 * Cinderella: Yay! [claps]
 * [Awkward pause]
 * Fiona: Rapunzel, how could you?
 * Rapunzel: Jealous much?
 * Prince Charming: Soon you’ll be back where you started… scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week.
 * Rapunzel: But Pooky, you said you wouldn't hurt them.
 * Prince Charming: Not here, kitten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later.

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 * [After Merlin sends Shrek, Donkey, Artie and Puss back to Far, Far Away]
 * Donkey: [in Puss' body, groans] Man, I have not been on a trip like that since college.
 * [Shrek and Artie are surprised]
 * Shrek: Donkey?
 * Donkey: [in Puss' body, confused] What? Is there something in my teeth? [gasps in horror, and looks around himself, then realizes that he is in Puss' body] What the-? Oh, no! I have been abracadabra-ed into a Fancy Feasting, second rate sidekick!
 * Puss: [in Donkey's body, falls on the ground; groans] At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside of pinata! You should think about going on a diet!
 * Donkey: [in Puss' body] Yeah, you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants! [covers himself as if being naked] I feel all exposed and nasty! [Shrek and Artie laugh] Oh, so you two think this is funny?!

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 * Guard: How dare you!
 * Shrek: Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs.
 * Artie: He's a star, people! Hello?! I'm Sorry about this, Mr. Shrek.
 * Shrek: I'm gonna lose it! [continues trying to keep his cool]
 * Artie: I assume you have everything ready for tonight? You did get the list for the dressing room?
 * Donkey: [in Puss' body] Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. [aggravated] Oh, and please tell me you at least got the saffron corn with jalapeño honey butter. Because our client cannot get into his properly emotional state without his jalapeño HONEY BUTTER!
 * Shrek: I just lost it.
 * [Puss turns eyes at Shrek even more aggravated]
 * Guard: Perhaps we should talk to Nancy in Human Resources.
 * Puss: [in Donkey's body] Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, I PROMISE!

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 * Shrek: [confronts Charming in the dressing room] Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you.
 * Prince Charming: Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time. [presses a button]
 * Shrek: [grabs him] Where's Fiona?
 * Prince Charming: Don't worry. She and the others are safe, for now. [grins evilly; the guards burst in and hold Artie hostage. Shrek puts him down] Let me guess. Arthur.
 * Artie: [facing him] It's "Artie", actually.
 * Prince Charming: This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? [laughs and held the dagger to Artie's throat] How pathetic. Stand still so I won't make a mess.
 * Shrek: Charming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him.
 * Artie: Then who's this about? I'm supposed to be king, right?
 * Shrek: You weren't really next in line for the throne, I was!
 * Artie: [shocked] But you said the king asked for me personally.
 * Shrek: Not exactly.
 * Artie: What's that supposed to mean?
 * Shrek: I said whatever I had to say, alright? I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill, so just go!
 * Artie: [hurt and angered] You were playing me the whole time.
 * Shrek: You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought.
 * [Donkey tries to reason with Artie, but Puss stops him]
 * Artie: You know, for a minute there...I actually thought you...
 * Prince Charming: What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? [Artie breaks free from the guards and glares at Shrek before storming out the dressing room in anger. Shrek feels guilty] You really do have a way with children, Shrek.
 * [The guards lead Shrek out of the room]

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 * Donkey: [in Puss' body] We went to high school, the boat crashed, and we've got Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Booped by the magic man!
 * Doris: You poor sweet things.
 * Cinderella: [confused] I don't get it.
 * Snow White: The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get?
 * Sleeping Beauty: [wakes up] Huh? Who dat?

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 * Donkey: [in Puss' body] Alright people, let's do this thing. Go Team Dynamite!
 * Pinocchio: But I thought we agreed we'd go by the name Team Super-cool.
 * Gingerbread Man: As I recall, it was Team Awesome.
 * Wolf: I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron.
 * Donkey: [in Puss' body, annoyed] Alright, alright, alright! From henceforth, we're all to be known as Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron.

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 * Artie: [off-screen] Everybody, stop!
 * Prince Charming: [exasperated] Oh, what is it now?!?!
 * Shrek: [surprised] Artie?
 * Artie: [jumping and leaping onto the stage] Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? [all the villains raise their hands] You're telling me you just want to be villains your whole lives?
 * Hook: But we are villains. It's the only thing we know.
 * Artie: Didn't you ever wish you could be something else?
 * Evil Tree Steve: Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree.
 * Prince Charming: You morons! Don't listen to him! Attack them!
 * Evil Tree Ed: [covering Charming's mouth] What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you.
 * Evil Tree Steve: Right. Thanks, Ed.
 * Artie: Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But you know, a good friend of mine once told me...that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre, or just some loser, doesn't mean you are one. The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. If there's something you really want or someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way...is you.
 * Rumpelstiltskin: Me?
 * Guard: Get him, lads!
 * Artie: No, no! What I mean is, each of you, is standing in your own way.
 * Villains: [realizing] Oh.
 * Headless Horseman: I've always wanted to play the flute.
 * Evil Queen: I'd like to open up a spa in France!
 * Hook: I grow daffodils, and they're beautiful. [smiles, looks thoughtfully at his sword, and throws it down]
 * [The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight, who's holding Pinocchio, is thinking about it, when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingy high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground. Suddenly, Charming kicks himself free from the Evil Tree, and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it up, his aim set at Artie. Despite his fear, Artie faces Charming bravely. As Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break his chains. Just before Charming strikes, a chain whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Enraged, he charges at Shrek and impales him with the sword. Charming let us go, and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him, and falls to the floor, groaning]
 * Prince Charming: [thinking he killed Shrek; laughs evily, and turn to the audience] A new era finally begins! [the audience cowers, but Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie] Now, all of you, bow before your king!
 * Shrek: [rises up behind Charming, and clears his throat, which started Charming in shock] You need to work on your aim. [takes the sword out of his armpit, and holds up Charming in the air]
 * Prince Charming: [doesn't believe this] This was supposed to be my Happily Ever After!
 * Shrek: Well, I guess you need to keep looking. [looks at Fiona lovingly, then back at Charming] 'Cause I'm not giving up mine. [throws Charming on the stage and whistles the signal]
 * ''[Dragon pushes the tower with her tail]
 * Prince Charming: [looking up; last words] Mummy?!
 * [The tower crushes Charming, killing him]

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 * Donkey: [normal voice] I'm me again!
 * Puss: [normal voice] And I'm not you!
 * Merlin: Oops. [realizes that Puss's cape and Donkey's tail were swapped, then walks away] Ah, never mind.

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 * Shrek: [looking at Artie talking with princesses] See, what did I tell you? The kid's gonna make a great king.
 * Princess Fiona: For what it's worth, you would have too.
 * Shrek: [rubs Fiona's stomach] I have something much more important in mind.
 * [They kiss]

Cast

 * Mike Myers — Shrek
 * Eddie Murphy — Donkey
 * Cameron Diaz — Princess Fiona
 * Antonio Banderas - Puss in Boots
 * Julie Andrews — Lillian
 * John Cleese — Harold
 * Rupert Everett — Prince Charming
 * Eric Idle — Merlin
 * Justin Timberlake — Artie
 * Frank Welker — Dragon
 * John Lithgow — Lord Farquaad
 * Conrad Vernon — The Muffin Man

Taglines

 * Who's ready for Thirds?
 * He's in for the royal treatment
 * The Wait is Ogre!
 * Cookies that talk. Trees that walk. Donkeys on deck. It must be... Shrek!
 * A family movie you will want to see ogre, and ogre, and ogre again
 * The best Shrek yet!
 * For the funniest happily ever after.