Sidney Morgenbesser

 (September 22, 1921 – August 1, 2004) was an American philosopher, noted for his wit.

Quotes

 * During a lecture, the Oxford linguistic philosopher J. L. Austin made the claim that although a in English implies a positive meaning, there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative. Morgenbesser responded in a dismissive tone, "Yeah, yeah."
 * The Independent, The Independent, Professor Sidney Morgenbesser: Philosopher celebrated for his withering New York Jewish humour, 6 August 2004. The Times, Sidney Morgenbesser: Erudite and influential American linguistic philosopher with the analytical acuity of Spinoza and the blunt wit of Groucho Marx, September 8, 2004. (Some have quoted it as "Yeah, right.") Block, Melissa (August 2, 2004). "The Witty Professor: Sidney Morgenbesser". NPR.org. Baum, Devorah (2017). The Jewish Joke: An essay with examples (less essay, more examples). Profile Books. ISBN 9781782831938.


 * Morgenbesser in response to B.F. Skinner: "Are you telling me it's wrong to anthropomorphize people?" (quoted by Daniel Dennett)
 * Dennett, Daniel "The Evolution of Reasons" in Contemporary Philosophical Naturalism and Its Implications (2013) edited by Bana Bashour, Hans D. Muller p. 61.


 * Morgenbesser was leaving a subway station in New York City and put his pipe in his mouth as he was ascending the steps. A police officer told him that there was no smoking on the subway. Morgenbesser pointed out that he was leaving the subway, not entering it, and hadn't lit up yet anyway. The cop again said that smoking was not allowed in the subway, and Morgenbesser repeated his comment. The cop said, "If I let you do it, I'd have to let everyone do it." To which Morgenbesser, in a much misunderstood line, retorted: "Who do you think you are, Kant?" He was then hauled off to the police station, where The Categorical Imperative had to be explained to the police officers. ("Kant", properly pronounced, sounds much like cunt, which is what he was mistaken for having said).
 * The Independent, The Independent, Professor Sidney Morgenbesser: Philosopher celebrated for his withering New York Jewish humour, 6 August 2004. The Times, Sidney Morgenbesser: Erudite and influential American linguistic philosopher with the analytical acuity of Spinoza and the blunt wit of Groucho Marx, September 8, 2004.


 * On the : Morgenbesser, ordering dessert, is told by the waitress that he can choose between apple pie and blueberry pie. He orders the apple pie. Shortly thereafter, the waitress comes back and says that cherry pie is also an option; Morgenbesser says "In that case I'll have the blueberry pie."
 * Gaming the vote: why elections aren't fair (and what we can do about it), William Poundstone, p. 50, ISBN 0-8090-4893-0.


 * Morgenbesser said the following of George Santayana: “There’s a guy who asserted both p and not-p, and then drew out all the consequences…”
 * "Language Log" blog, Language Log, If P, so why not Q, 5 August 2004.


 * Interrogated by a student whether he agreed with Chairman Mao’s view that a statement can be both true and false at the same time, Morgenbesser replied “Well, I do and I don’t.”
 * The Independent, The Independent, Professor Sidney Morgenbesser: Philosopher celebrated for his withering New York Jewish humour, 6 August 2004. Obituaries – Sidney Morgenbesser, 82, Kibitzing Philosopher, Dies. The New York Times (September 8, 2004).


 * During campus protests of the 1960s, Sidney Morgenbesser was hit over the head by police. When asked whether he had been treated unfairly or unjustly, he responded that it was "unfair but not unjust. It was unfair because they hit me over the head, but not unjust because they hit everyone else over the head.”
 * The Independent, The Independent, Professor Sidney Morgenbesser: Philosopher celebrated for his withering New York Jewish humour, 6 August 2004. Obituaries – Sidney Morgenbesser, 82, Kibitzing Philosopher, Dies. The New York Times (September 8, 2004). Some of his students then argued that it may have been unjust, because he had not been proven guilty, but it was not unfair because the others were treated in the same way. The Times, Sidney Morgenbesser: Erudite and influential American linguistic philosopher with the analytical acuity of Spinoza and the blunt wit of Groucho Marx, September 8, 2004. This alternative version is sometimes attributed to Morgenbesser himself.


 * Morgenbesser described ethics as entailing “ought implies can” while in Jewish ethics “can implies don’t.”
 * The Times, Sidney Morgenbesser: Erudite and influential American linguistic philosopher with the analytical acuity of Spinoza and the blunt wit of Groucho Marx, September 8, 2004.


 * When challenged why he had written so little, he fired back: "Moses wrote one book. Then what did he do?"
 * The Independent, The Independent, Professor Sidney Morgenbesser: Philosopher celebrated for his withering New York Jewish humour, 6 August 2004. The Times, Sidney Morgenbesser: Erudite and influential American linguistic philosopher with the analytical acuity of Spinoza and the blunt wit of Groucho Marx, September 8, 2004.


 * When asked his opinion of pragmatism, Morgenbesser replied "It's all very well in theory but it doesn't work in practice."
 * The Times, Sidney Morgenbesser: Erudite and influential American linguistic philosopher with the analytical acuity of Spinoza and the blunt wit of Groucho Marx, September 8, 2004.


 * A proposed response to Heidegger's ontological query "Why is there something rather than nothing?" – "And if there were nothing? You'd still be complaining!"
 * There are two errors in the the title of this book: A sourcebook of philosophical puzzles, paradoxes and problems, Robert M. Martin, p. 4, ISBN 1-55111-493-3; "G. A. Cohen - Wisconsin-Madison Lecture". www.youtube.com. Retrieved 2019-09-27.


 * A few weeks before his death, he asked another Columbia philosopher, David Albert, about God. "Why is God making me suffer so much?" he asked. "Just because I don't believe in him?"
 * The Independent, The Independent, Professor Sidney Morgenbesser: Philosopher celebrated for his withering New York Jewish humour, 6 August 2004. The Times, Sidney Morgenbesser: Erudite and influential American linguistic philosopher with the analytical acuity of Spinoza and the blunt wit of Groucho Marx (September 8, 2004). Obituaries – Sidney Morgenbesser, 82, Kibitzing Philosopher, Dies. The New York Times (September 8, 2004).


 * Asked to prove a questioner's existence, Morgenbesser shot back, "Who's asking?"
 * Remembering Sidney Morgenbesser, by Gary Shapiro in 'The New York Sun' 3 August 2004 (Archived by Wayback Machine).


 * A student once interrupted him and said, "I just don't understand." He responded, "Why should you have the advantage over me?"
 * Remembering Sidney Morgenbesser, by Gary Shapiro in 'The New York Sun' 3 August 2004 (Archived by Wayback Machine).


 * Of Hilary Putnam – "He’s a quantum philosopher. I can’t understand him and his position at the same time."
 * Quoted in Malcolm Thorndike Nicholson, "A philosopher in the age of science" (March 14, 2013).