So I Married an Axe Murderer

So I Married an Axe Murderer is a 1993 film set in San Francisco, starring Mike Myers, who plays a beat poet who suspects his girlfriend is an axe murderer. It was written by Robbie Fox and directed by Thomas Schlamme.

Stuart Mackenzie

 * Head! Pants! Now!


 * Give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in.


 * Look at the size of that boy's head. I’m not kidding. It's like an orange on a toothpick.


 * No kidding. His head's like Sputnik. Spherical, but quite pointy in parts.


 * Ooh, that was off-sides, wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow!


 * We have a piper down. I repeat, a piper is down. 'S all right, he's just pissed.


 * Let's get pissed!


 * May, turn off the Bay City Rollers! The soccer game is about to begin!


 * Heid! Paper! Now! Move that melon of yours and get the paper if you can, hauling that gargantuan cranium about!


 * May, shut it!


 * [singing "Do You Think I'm Sexy" with bagpipes] If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, c'mon baby let me know! Haggis solo!


 * Well it's a well-known fact, sonny-Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually in a secret country mansion in Colorado known as The Meadows. (So who's in this Pentavirate?) The Queen, the Vatican, the Gettys, the Rothschilds...and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up! Ooh I hated the Colonel, with his wee beady eyes and that smug look on his face! Ohh you're gonna buy my chicken! Ooh! (Dad, how can you hate the Colonel?) Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes you crave it fortnightly, smart arse!

Charlie Mackenzie

 * [is served a huge cup of coffee] Excuse me miss, there seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the large cappuccino. Hello?!


 * I believe most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.


 * You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called FA-QUE! [pronounces it "fuck you"] It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground.


 * Come Nadia, let us dance like children of the night.


 * [after being asked by Harriet what he looks for in a woman] Most people say a sense of humor, but I'm gonna have to go with breast size.


 * I like the night life. I like to boogey.


 * I think I'm dating Ms. X...


 * I care for Apple Jacks a great deal.

Poetry

 * Harriet! Harry-it Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis Beautiful, bemuse-ed, bellicose butcher. Un-trust... ing. Un-know... ing. Un-love... ed? He wants you back, he screams into the night air like a fireman going to a window that has no fire... except the passion of his heart. I am lonely! It's really hard! This poem... sucks.


 * Woman... woe-man... whoah, man! She was a thief, you got to belief, she stole my heart and my cat. Betty, Judy, Josie and those hot Pussycats... They make me horny, Saturday morny Girls of cartoo-ins Won't leave me in ruins I want to to be Betty's Barney. Hey Jane... get me off this crazy thing... called love.

Dialogue

 * Harriet Michaels: Do you actually like haggis?
 * Charlie Mackenzie: No, I think it's repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.


 * Stuart Mackenzie: Well, it's a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as the Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.
 * Tony Giardino: So who's in this Pentavirate?
 * Stuart Mackenzie: The Queen, the Vatican, the Gettys, the Rothschilds, and Colonel Sanders before he went tets-up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes! And that smug look on his face, "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"
 * Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate the Colonel?
 * Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartarse!
 * Charlie Mackenzie: Interesting.... Coo-coo.


 * Charlie Mackenzie: How many people have you brutally murdered?
 * Harriet Michaels: Well, brutal's a subjective term. What's brutal to one person might be entirely reasonable to someone else.


 * May Mackenzie: Charlie, hand me the paper.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: Mom, I find it interesting that you call The Weekly World News "the paper." A paper contains facts.
 * May Mackenzie: This newspaper contains facts. Look at this. "Pregnant man gives birth." That's a fact!


 * Charlie Mackenzie: So Tony, what's the deal with your clothes?
 * Tony Giardino: What do ya mean?
 * Charlie Mackenzie: I mean you look like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch.
 * Tony Giardino: What are ya talking about, I look hip!
 * Charlie Mackenzie: No no no no no no no, you look like an undercover cop TRYING to look hip.
 * Tony Giardino: I AM an undercover cop trying to look hip.


 * Tony Giardino: Every time you meet a nice girl you can get close to, you always break up with them for paranoid reasons.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: That's not true. I broke up with those girls for very good reasons.
 * Tony Giardino: Oh really?
 * Charlie Mackenzie: Yes.
 * Tony Giardino: Oh really? What about Jill?
 * Charlie Mackenzie: She was in the mafia.


 * Tony Giardino: What about Pam?
 * Charlie Mackenzie: She smelled like soup.


 * Rose Michaels: Let me make you some breakfast.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: Oh gee, you know, I-I'd love to but, you know, I'm really running late.
 * Rose Michaels: What would you say to silver dollar pancakes, fresh squeezed orange juice, bacon, and Kona coffee?
 * Charlie Mackenzie: Well, that sounds great.
 * [scene changes to her pouring Charlie a bowl of Fruit Loops]
 * Rose Michaels: Sorry, I didn't have those other things.


 * Rose Michaels: You know Harriet.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: Well, actually I don't.
 * Rose Michaels: But you did have sex with her.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: Hello!


 * John Johnson: Hello everyone, I am a park ranger and I will be leading you on the tour. All of the park rangers were, at one time, guards, myself included. My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me "Vicky".
 * Tony Giardino: I love Vicky.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: Yeah, Vicky's the best.


 * Charlie Mackenzie: Hi, can we get our check please? Thanks.
 * [the check comes]
 * Charlie Mackenzie: I'll get that.
 * Tony Giardino: No i got it.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no.
 * Tony Giardino: No, no, no. Let me.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no, no, no.
 * Tony Giardino: Charlie, please.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no, no, no.
 * Tony Giardino: Let me pick this up, please.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no, no, no.
 * Tony Giardino: I insist.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no, no, no. No to infinity. Negatory. Negatory, good buddy. Ne-ga-to-ry!
 * Harriet Michaels: I'll pick up the check.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: Okay.


 * Charlie Mackenzie: I think I'm dating Mrs. X
 * Tony Giardino: Charlie. Two words: Therapy.


 * Stuart Mackenzie: So, Charlie tells me you're a butcher.
 * Harriet Michaels: Yes, I am a butcher.
 * Stuart Mackenzie: Do you link your own sausage?


 * May Mackenzie: Harriet, why don't you come with me. I have wonderful photographs when he was a wee baby.
 * Stuart Mackenzie: And show her the picture of Charlie when he shit his pants at Niagara Falls.


 * Harriet Michaels: Charlie, have you ever stood at the edge of a cliff or a subway platform with someone and you thought just for a split second "What if I pushed him?"
 * Charlie Mackenzie: Well, not really. Usually I follow the Judeo-Christian ethic of "Thou shalt not kill" but that's just me.


 * Frank/Obituary writer: Here's another one here, Native San Franciscan, plumber, Elliot, Ralph. Moved to Dallas, disappeared four months ago. Body was found in a sewer.
 * Newspaper reporter: Well, guy takes his job too seriously, life goes down the drain. Haha.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: Did they mention anything about his wife?
 * Newspaper reporter: Alright, okay. Look, I know that we're talking about real people so I'm sorry.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: No, no. I'm serious, did they mention the wife?
 * Newspaper reporter: No, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make a joke about other people's lives.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: No, no. I'm really serious. Did they mention the wife? I just want to know about the wife.
 * Newspaper reporter: Hey, hey! You win, you win, okay? I'm a bad person!
 * Frank/Obituary writer: Hey, c'mon take it easy, will ya?
 * Newspaper reporter: No, he's saying I'm a bad person and that I'm insensitive. He's saying I'm a shit.
 * Frank/Obituary writer: He's not saying you're a shit!
 * Charlie Mackenzie: Did they-did they mention the wife?!
 * Newspaper reporter: No! No! They didn't mention the wife! Ya happy?! Yeah! Oh hoo, yes, yes. I'm insensitive! I'm a very insensitive man! Stop your job, look at the insensitive man! That's what they're paying you for!
 * Frank/Obituary writer: [to Charlie] He was my ride home.


 * Charlie Mackenzie: I don't want to lose you.
 * Harriet Michaels: You didn't. You rejected me.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: Okay, I'm un-rejecting you.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Harriet Michaels: Ralph, this is Charlie.
 * Ralph: It's really great to meet you.
 * Charlie Mackenzie: Oh no, no. It's great to meet you. Yes, yes. I love you!
 * [hugs her tightly out of happiness, making his towel drop]
 * Charlie Mackenzie: ...I'm naked, aren't I?

<hr width=50%/>
 * Charlie Mackenzie: Marry me.
 * Harriet Michaels: No..
 * Charlie Mackenzie: ...Please?

Cast

 * Mike Myers - Charlie/Stuart Mackenzie
 * Brenda Fricker - May Mackenzie
 * Anthony LaPaglia - Tony Giardino
 * Nancy Travis - Harriet Michaels

Tagline

 * The honeymoon was killer