South Park/Season 16

South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

Reverse Cowgirl [16.1]

 * Betsy: What is that?
 * Clyde: A toilet.
 * Betsy: That's right, it's a toilet, Clyde! And where is the toilet seat? It's up! Because you left it up, again! We've been through this countless times, Clyde!
 * Clyde: Okay, Mom, just not in front of my friends, okay?
 * Betsy: No, not okay, because you are getting the message! What if I'd fallen in it?! START LISTENING TO ME! Put it down! PUT IT DOWN! [Clyde quickly puts the toilet seat down; walks out of the bathroom] Thank you. [walks away]


 * Betsy: [off-screen] Clyde?! Clyde?! [enters Mr. Garrison's classroom] There you are!
 * Clyde: Mom?
 * Betsy: Clyde Donovan, you come home this instant!
 * Clyde: Why?
 * Betsy: What have I told you about putting the toilet seat down after you go to the bathroom?!
 * Clyde: Mom, I'm in class.
 * Betsy: How many times do I have to tell you, Clyde?! I was trying to get ready for work and the toilet seat was up, again!
 * Roger: Betsy, come back home. It's just not that big a deal.
 * Betsy: No, Roger, it's a disgusting habit, and I am sick and tired of it! If I had sat down, I would've gotten toilet water all over my vagina!
 * Butters: My grandma's from Virginia.
 * Betsy: You are coming home right now, Clyde, and you are putting the toilet seat down where it belongs! Let's go!

Cash for Gold [16.2]

 * Randy: Well, Dad, it was really great seeing you. We'd love to stay for dinner, but the food here gives Sharon diarrhea.
 * Sharon: What?! Randy!
 * Randy: [shushes her] Just trying to leave without being rude.


 * Stan: You should be ashamed of the people in America that you are exploiting! How dare you take advantage of those less fortunate?!
 * Cartman: You dirty double-crossing assholes! You try to cut me out, huh?! You guys stole my formula, then try to fuck me!

Jewpacabra [16.4]

 * Cartman: Cartman's Passover holiday special. starring... The Jewpacabra!


 * Cartman: Ugh... what!? [stands up] What's going on?!?
 * Man 1: The plagues! The plagues are upon us! Run!
 * (it starts to rain frogs. Cartman runs away) 
 * Cartman: It's raining frogs! [finds Kyle, who is climbing to the roof of his house on a ladder] Kyle! Kyle, my Hebrew friend! Did you see that it's raining frogs!?
 * Kyle: [bangs a nail into a piece of wood] Yes! It's because the Pharaoh won't give the Hebrews what we want! God is angry.
 * Cartman: So God makes it rain frogs? That just seems kind of mean to frogs, Kyle.
 * Kyle: That's how God is! And if Pharaoh doesn't give us what we want, next he's gonna kill all Egyptian first born boys!
 * Cartman: Wha- Okay, look, I'll talk to the Pharaoh and see if he'll change his mind.
 * Kyle: It doesn't matter. Because God is going to harden the Pharaoh's heart!
 * Cartman: What does that mean?
 * Kyle: It means Jehovah is going to use his powers to keep the Pharaoh from letting us go.
 * Cartman: Well that doesn't seem very fair, Kyle. I mean, if God is going to make Pharaoh say no, then why would he punish him for saying no?
 * Kyle: That's just how God is.
 * Cartman: You're wrong, Kyle! God is not a dick!
 * [Kyle gets angry]


 * Cartman: Nooooooo! [Sheila and Gerald apply the lamb's blood to their door. Kyle watches them] Kyle, why?! What are you doing?!
 * Kyle: This is what God told us to do!
 * Cartman: No, Kyle! I don't believe you!
 * Kyle: You'll see! [Cartman runs away but realizes other families are also doing it. He runs though the corpses of lambs]
 * Cartman: Noooo! [goes inside somewhere, but sees two kids with bloody eyes]
 * Kid 1: What's happening to us? [both of the kids puke blood and fall over]
 * Cartman: Noooooo! [runs past a mom and her child] 
 * Child Mom: Don't let God kill me! [his head explodes and his mom screams]
 * Cartman: Noooo! [he is confronted by a man]
 * Man 2: [holds out a flat sandwich] Care for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!?
 * Cartman: No! The bread's all flat! Nooo! [shoves the bread down and keeps running] Noooooo! [the Pharaoh has kneeled down. All children around him have their heads explode. Screaming and shouting can be heard in the background]
 * Pharaoh: Son! We were wrong! I was wrong!
 * Cartman: We were wrong! I'm sorry God I'll be Jewish I promise! Please don't kill me! Don't kill me! Noooo!
 * [his head explodes, and the Pharaoh cries in despair]

Butterballs [16.5]

 * Stan: This video can change how people think about bullying! It needs to be seen by everybody, Kyle!
 * Kyle: If it needs to be seen by everybody, then why don't you put on the internet for free? [short pause] Well?
 * Stan: What, what was the question again?
 * Kyle: [slowly speaking] If you really think every kid in America should see your anti-bullying movie, then why don't you put it on the internet for free?

I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining [16.6]

 * Julien: (narrating) But then the unexpected happened.

Sarcastaball [16.8]

 * Stephen: And you can just sit here in your room and think about what you've done! [Butters sits on his bed, looking chastened] Just because people try and make football a little safer by changing a kickoff rule doesn't mean you need to take it to "Oh, why don't we just drink each other's cum?" Sarcasm like that is homophobic, chauvinistic, and completely lacking in maturity! Any questions?
 * Butters: What's sarcasm and what's cum?
 * Stephen: We'll talk about that when you're older.
 * Randy: Come on, everybody, let's work on that kick off change and get back to some football.

Going Native [16.11]

 * [Stephen and Linda show up in Principal Victoria's office with their son]
 * Principal Victoria: I'm sorry, but your son is distracting the other students and his attitude is just getting worse.
 * Stephen: Butters, what on earth has gotten into you?!
 * Butters: I don't know, Dad, I was just pissed off I guess.
 * Linda: Do you think this behavior is fair to your teacher and classmates?
 * Butters: I don't suppose it is, but I don't give a darn!
 * Stephen: Do you have any idea how grounded you are about to be, mister?
 * Butters: [angrily snapping] Why don't you shut up, Dad, and stick in your ear, for crying out loud!
 * [After a short pause…]
 * Linda: Stephen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
 * Stephen: Yes. Our little Butters is flowering.

Obama Wins! [16.14]

 * Kyle: [runs up to the boys at the neighborhood park] Guys! You guys! Listen. Cartman has tens of thousands of voter ballots hidden somewhere. He's changed the outcome of the election!
 * Stan: Wow, really? That's pretty impressive.
 * Kyle: Come on, guys! He's hidden them somewhere and we have to find them!
 * Stan: But I thought Obama won pretty easily last night.
 * Kyle: Dude, because of the electoral college these votes in swing states can really matter.
 * Stan: I don't understand that stuff at all. I need Morgan Freeman to explain it to me.
 * Jimmy: Yeah, I love when Morgan Freeman explains stuff.
 * Craig: Whenever I'm confused about what's going on in a movie, I'm always so relieved when Morgan Freeman shows up and explains the plot to me.
 * Kyle: God damn it this is serious, you guys! Cartman has stolen the election!
 * Butters: Well, maybe Cartman had a good reason.
 * Kyle: [stares at Butters for a while] Butters, you know something, don't you?!
 * Butters: Huh? Wha? NO. Uh-uh, why?
 * Kyle: [walks towards him] What did Cartman tell you?!
 * Butters: He didn't tell me nothin'. And I'm sworn to secrecy. I-it's really important, Kyle, and it isn't what you think. [gasps] Uh, don't make me say anymore!
 * Kyle: Tell us what you know, right now!
 * Butters: I can't! Don't you see?! [feels his body and takes out a small bottle of almond M&M's] Don't make me swallow this! Wa-I'll do it!
 * Stan: Is that an M&M?
 * Butters: It's an almond M&M. Ah-I'm very allergic to almonds. Please, just leave me alone.
 * Kyle: Then you have to tell us!
 * Butters: Well… uh… HWAAAH! [quickly swallows the almond M&M and makes sure he doesn't throw up]
 * Kyle: Oh, shit! Don't let him swallow it!
 * Stan: Pry his mouth open!
 * Craig: He ate it!
 * Kyle: [grabs Butters by the collar] Butters, where are the ballots going?! Where are they going?!
 * Butters: Ah! Bah! I hate almonds.


 * [As the boys search everywhere around in the Cartman residence, Liane enters with a bag of groceries]
 * Liane: Oh, my goodness, what's going on?
 * Kyle: Sorry, Ms. Cartman, but your son took some things that didn't belong to him.
 * Liane: Oh, I've told him to respect people's property. What did he take?
 * Stan: He stole ballots in all the swing states so the wrong person was elected president.
 * Liane: [walks off into the kitchen] Oh, well, no TV for him for a few days.
 * Jimmy: There's nothing here, Kyle. Not even one Scooby clue.
 * Stan: [looking outside] Oh, my God, you guys! Look! Dude, it's Boba Fett's ship!