South Park/Season 24

South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

The Pandemic Special [24.01]

 * Butters: Hey, Dad, do you think maybe we could go to Build-A-Bear today?
 * Stephen: Butters, for the last time, you can't go to Build-A-Bear.
 * Butters: But, they said they're open again, so I--
 * Stephen: Yes, they're open, but we are not the Johnsons, and we do not go to non-essential businesses when it's non-essential! Hey, do you people mind?! You're supposed to wear your mask over your nose. Looks like you're wearing a diaper for your chin. Chin diapers don't help.


 * Sharon: A pandemic special, Randy? Really?
 * Randy: What?
 * Sharon: People are hurting! People are dying, Randy! And all you can think about is make a special about it?
 * Randy: I'm doing something positive to try and help. People really needs this right now.
 * Sharon: You're a child, Randy!


 * [Mr. Mackey is in his home office on a Zoom meeting with the parents]
 * Mr. Mackey: M'kay, welcome, parents, to this all-school town meeting to talk about how we're gonna get your kids back into the classroom. Can everyone hear me okay? [the parents all replying] Okay, well, parents, we've made some amazing adjustments and hirings, m'kay? We believe we can welcome students back on Monday. M'kay?
 * Sheila: How are you going to do this?
 * Stephen: Yeah, what happens when my son is sitting in a room with Craig Tucker, whose father doesn't even wear a mask outside?
 * Thomas: Oh, here we fucking go again. Stop mask shaming, Stotch!
 * Stephen: Well, it's really not a mask if you wear it down around your chin. That's a chin diaper.
 * Thomas: There's no real proof that a mask even fuckin' does anything!
 * Stephen: Spoken like a true redneck.
 * Carol: Oh, fuck you!
 * [The parents all start talking over each other in annoyed anger]
 * Mr. Mackey: Okay. Okay, everyone. Alright. [presses a key on his computer keyboard silence muting everyone] Mmkay! I just muted everybody! Okay! Now, if we don't get along, I'll just sit here with you all on mute! Okay, now let's try this again. [presses a key, unmuting everyone]
 * Ms. Tweak: I saw Wendy's mother not wearing a mask in the changing room at Ross.
 * Mrs. Testaburger: The fuck are you doing spying on me in the changing room?!
 * Mr. Mackey: Okay! BOOM! [mute silences everyone again] You're all muted! M'kay? I can do this all day! Now, we've made changes at the school, and we feel prepared to welcome your students back! [Roger raises his hand] Mr. Donovan.
 * Roger: I don't care what changes you've made. My son Clyde is not going to class.
 * Mr. Mackey: And that is your prerogative. Mute. Uhkay, Mrs. Marsh.
 * Sharon: I thought that the issue was the teachers not coming back.
 * Mr. Mackey: That is correct. Our teaching staff does not feel safe to return, but… we have hired all new teachers, m'kay? These are people who have recently lost their jobs due to recent events and are desperate for work. Uhkay, so they'll do just about anything.
 * Stephen: What new teachers?


 * Det. Yates: Alright, students, listen up. I know this situation is not ideal, but we all have to quarantine together for two weeks.
 * Cartman: This is bullshit!
 * Det. Harris: You don't want to infect your families, do you? You were all exposed to a student here who was taken to the hospital due to COVID. [Stan raises his hand up] Yes?
 * Stan: Uh, we were there, and Token was actually taken to the hospital because you guys shot him.
 * Det. Harris: Yes, due to COVID. If it weren't for COVID, all the previous teachers would have still been here, we wouldn't have been in the class, and nobody would have gotten shot. Therefore, the young man is in the hospital due to COVID.
 * Officer: It was COVID-related.
 * Stan: That doesn’t make any sense!


 * Sharon: Randy? Where are the car keys? Randy!
 * Randy: [wakes up] Huh? Uh, what? What?
 * Sharon Where are the car keys?
 * Randy They're probably in my pants pocket. Why?
 * Sharon I have to get over to the hospital.
 * Randy The hospital? For what?
 * Sharon: It's Jimbo. Doctor said he's better, so I can take him home.
 * Randy: Jimbo's better?
 * Sharon: They said he doesn't have any symptoms, and his tests are showing negative.
 * Randy: [realizes his DNA has cured Jimbo] Holy shit.


 * Stan: Kyle, I need to talk to you.
 * Kyle: Hey, dude.
 * Stan: I'm really worried. About Butters. I think he's sick.
 * Kyle: You think he got the virus?
 * Stan: No! It's all the other stuff. The isolation and the uncertainty. I'm just really worried what all the stuff around COVID is doing to some kids. You know, not every kid is like us. There's some kids who really can't take it anymore!
 * Kyle: I know, this bullshit sucks. But Butters will be okay.
 * Stan: And what if he's not? What if Butters is actually starting to lose his mind? What if he feels his body shutting down right now?
 * Kyle: You really think it's that bad?


 * Sharon: [comes out of the house] Randy? Randy!
 * Randy: Just… what?!
 * Sharon: Randy, you gotta get in here!
 * Randy: I'm doing something important, Sharon! People need this right now!
 * Sharon: Come upstairs, something's wrong with Jimbo! [Randy enters holding his crotch as he limps] He'd just been sleeping for days. [puts her mask on and walks to Jimbo's room] They said he was getting better. Last night, his fever came back. And then a few hours ago this "thing" appeared on his face.
 * Randy: What thing?
 * Sharon: [lowers down Jimbo's mask, revealing a mustache on his face, identical to Randy's] Jimbo's never been able to grow a mustache.
 * Randy: Huh. That's weird.


 * Randy: [limps next to Jimbo, whispering to him in soft anger] Just fucking shut up! You have no idea if it's because of the Special! You could just be sick again 'cause you're a fat, fucking alcoholic! And I am NOT going to jail for you! [smacks Jimbo in the face and limps away holding his crotch]
 * [Hells Pass Hospital; the doctor looks closer at the mustache on Gerald's face]
 * Doctor: And you say you've never had a mustache before?
 * Gerald: No! Never! I just came outta nowhere!
 * Sheila: How could this happen, Doctor?
 * Doctor: Have you put anything toxic in your body lately? Any drugs or alcohol?
 * Gerald: No! I mean… I've enjoyed a little of the Pandemic Special.
 * Doctor: Oh, no, no, no. That…that's totally fine.
 * Nurse: Doctor, you better come to the emergency room!
 * Doctor: [shocked] Holy shit!
 * [The emergency room is packed with all male and female patients with pandemic mustaches on their faces]


 * Stephen: Butters?! Butters, you get back to quarantine or you're gonna be grounded!
 * Thomas: Hey, Stotch! You heard what the scientists said! Get your diaper up over you mustache area!
 * Stephen: I'm not wearing a damn diaper over my nose!
 * Mrs. Testaburger: Don't you care about people?!
 * Stephen: Yeah, we care way more about what's right than you do, bitch! [punches Mrs. Testaburger in the face as she falls to the ground and gets punched in return by Thomas]


 * Stan: [stopping Cartman as he tries to kill the pangolin in the shredder, which is the only hope to stopping the pandemic at Build-a-Bear] Don't do it, Cartman! That thing's our only chance!
 * Cartman: You're only chance! For your normal, not mine! I am not going back to school!
 * Stan: You guys were right, okay? This hasn't been about Butters. I've been acting like this because I can't take these shutdowns anymore and I'm scared what it's doing to me! I'm looking for who to blame, saying I'm trying to help people to make myself feel better, because the truth is… I just want to have fun again! I wanted to see that I can go out in the world and do things that I used to do, but I can't! I'm not any better and I don't care any more than anyone else. And I did all this [tears well up in his eyes] because I just want my life back! [starts sobbing] I just want my life back… [begins to weep]
 * [Cartman looks at the shredder, the boys, steps down from the shredder, carries the pangolin out of the store and hands it over to the Chief]
 * Kyle: [awed] I don't believe it.
 * Stephen: So, so what happens now?
 * Chief Scientist: Now we have hope. We've learned that we might never get back our old lives, but by working together, we just might find a new way to- [President Garrison appears out of nowhere with a flamethrower, burning both him and the pangolin to death]
 * Garrison: Don't forget to get out and vote, everybody! Big election coming up! [walks away]


 * Randy: [walks into his and Sharon's bedroom, finds his wife asleep] Hey, Sharon? I need to talk to you. [sits on the bed] I'm not as strong as you are, Sharon. I can't deal with hard times the way that you can.
 * Sharon: [sits up visibly showing her pandemic mustache] If you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen, Randy. [Randy looks at her not saying any words] What?
 * Randy: You want nothing to do with the Pandemic Special?
 * Sharon: No. I don’t smoke marijuana, Randy.
 * Randy: Uh-huh. [gets up from the bed and walks off]
 * Sharon: Well, what did you want to talk to me about?
 * Randy: I just… think maybe I'm gonna do a few more specials. You got some shit on your face.

South ParQ Vaccination Special [24.02]

 * Elderly Woman: [double flipping off the crowd while stepping into Walgreens] 79, bitches!
 * Tillie Plink: DUMBY!! LET ME GO, YOU SIMPLE BISCUIT!!


 * [Mr Garrison and Mr. Service show up at the White residence and hold the White family hostage]
 * Bob: What's this all about? Did we do something wrong?
 * Manu: AW! But, here are the rules!!!! Number 1: Fuck you! Number 2: Munch on my dick! Number 3: All you need is———
 * Mr. Garrison: [turns to face the family] God damn right you did something wrong! Our public school system is dying and you tutors are trying to take advantage of it!
 * Manu: Blood and bows, what are you trying to inter——
 * Bob: But we were just trying to be like you!
 * Mr. Garrison: You'll never be like me! I've been a teacher for over 30 years! I'm just trying to get my old life back and assholes keep getting in my way! [Manu starts screaming out the correctional "F" bomb several times, hysterically; to Manu] NO 'YA JUST SHUT UP!!
 * Bob: But we have to tell children the truth! They have to know!
 * Mr. Garrison: They have to know what?!
 * Bob: About-- about the whole thing! About the vaccinations! That the pandemic was blown out of proportion!
 * Crystal: That Venezuelan socialists switched out circuit boards from voting machines in 12 states!
 * Bob: Good, sweetie! [he looks back up at Mr. Garrison] Don't you understand everything is being manipulated!
 * Mr. Garrison: [turns around] Everyone's being manipulated... So that's why everyone in town is being such an inconsiderate jerk about me coming back?
 * Bob: Yes. They don't want people to like you. They need people to hate you!
 * Mr. Garrison: Who are they?
 * Bob: They're the elites. They do whatever they want and they feed on the pain and torture of children! And if anybody starts to care, they'll just cut us off when we tell the truth!


 * [As the school faculty wait in the principal's office for the boys to show up with COVID vaccines]
 * Ms. Nelson: [pacing back and forth] I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time. I don't know why I believed them when they said they had vaccinations. [starts to break down] I don't why I believe in anything anymore.
 * Flutterbaby: You can't talk like that! [points a gun


 * Stan: Look, let's just face it, you guys. We don't trust each other and we don't like each other!


 * Bob: Don't give in to them! They're trying to make a joke of everything! That's what they do!
 * Mr. Garrison: How do the elites control Mr. Service's balls?
 * Bob: You still don't get it, do you?! They don't just drink adrenochrome, they run the show! The whole damn show! [a cursor appears suddenly, messing with his appearance] It comes down to two people -- Oh, you don't like that, do you?! That's getting a little close to home, huh?! You can't control me anymore, you sons of bitches! [cursor continues to alter him in various ways] They're making fun of me to try and discredit my beliefs! [Is transformed into an obese woman wearing a dress, then a large penis] Oh, you don't like that, do you!? Don't want the world to know that!
 * Mr. Garrison: Listen! Listen, whoever you are! I don't give a shit what you do!
 * Bob: What?! What are you saying?!
 * Mr. Garrison: Please! I just want my old life back!
 * Bob: [turned into a pig] No, stop! They're monsters!
 * Mr. Garrison: I don't care what you do to kids, I just want people to like me again!
 * Bob: You son of a bitch! Aah! [runs towards Garrison]
 * Mr. Garrison: AAH! Mr. Service! [show freezes; whole frame turns, revealing multiple layers of animation; walking back and forth] Ah, oh, okay, what the hell is this? Hey, come back! [frame turns back to normal, albeit mirrored] How would you like to make a deal?
 * [The cursor shrinks down Mr. Service, transforming him into Mr. Hat]
 * Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat! You've returned! I'm so glad to have you back, Mr. Hat.


 * Mr. Garrison: Hey! Hold on a second, everybody! [grunting as he drags behind him, Bob White, who is been turned into a giant penis] I think I can help things out here!
 * Stan: What the heck is that?
 * Qanon Member: It's him! It's the chosen one!
 * Qanon Member #2: He's come to save us all like the prophecy foretold on the internet!
 * Scott: Wait, he's the chosen one?
 * Mr. Garrison: Listen! Listen, everybody. I -- I think I owe you all a big apology. I came in here expecting everything to just go back to normal, but... we've all been through the proverbial butthole of hardships lately. I thought we could all just magically be friends again. But relationships are very fragile things. And in times of crises when we need each other most, it's sometimes when we grow furthest apart. But through it all, Mr. White here has taught me a very important lesson. Make sure you're on the side of the people with the most power. And so, I've worked out a deal with some pretty powerful people... [looks up at the sky] Alright, boys, do your thing! [Low bass tone sounds, and as fireworks explode in the air, an Air Israel plane appear] It's Air Israel with enough vaccines for every adult in town!
 * [The crowd cheers and runs towards the plane and an Israel man tosses out boxes full of vaccines]
 * Gerald: Hey, Garrison, good job!
 * Stephen: Yeah, you're alright, Garrison!
 * Mr. Garrison: [laughs] Oh, jeez. Thanks, everybody.


 * [The boys run inside the school with the vaccines where all the teachers are waiting]
 * Kyle: Mrs. Nelson? We're here!
 * Mr. Mackey: Boys! Boys, you made it!
 * Cartman: Of course we made it. [motions to Stan and Kyle] 'Cause our broship can survive anything.
 * Stan: Hello, Ms. Nelson.
 * Kyle: We got your vaccination for you, Ms. Nelson.
 * Ms. Nelson: Boys... you really did it. I... I can't believe it. For a while there, I thought I... [she breaks into a coughing fit] Excuse me. I thought I wasn't gonna... [coughs again] ...gosh, excuse me. [she continues coughing and gasping, and later, she dies from COVID]
 * [Ms. Nelson's funeral]
 * Fr. Maxi: As a teacher, Ms. Nelson did everything she could for her students. So it seems even more unfair that she…was just a few days late getting the vaccine before she died of COVID. And now as Mr. Garrison takes over teaching for Ms. Nelson permanently… I think we should all take a moment to say… Hey! The rest of us made it, South Park! We're on the other side of this damn thing! [all the adults cheer] And so it's time for adults to screw these masks and party like it's 2021!

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 * Stephen: [dancing happily] Adults are all vaccinated! Adults are all vaccinated!