South Park: The End of Obesity

South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.


 * Randy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?
 * Shelley: I'm going to school.
 * Randy: Not looking like that, you aren't.
 * Shelley: Not looking like what?
 * Randy: We've talked about this, Shelley. You don't go to school wearing shirts that show off your body like that.
 * Shelley: All the girls at school dress like this, Dad. Mom already said it was okay.
 * Randy: What?
 * Sharon: It's really just the fashion now, Randy.
 * Randy: I don't care if it's the fashion, I don't want my innocent little daughter going to school dressed like a cum whore! Go put on a different shirt.
 * Shelley: [defiantly] No! I don't have to. My body's not a distraction, it's perfect, and you can't tell me what to do.
 * Randy: You're gonna get stared at all day. Little boys are perverts.
 * Shelley: Mom already said I could wear it!
 * Randy: [mocking her; nasally] "Mom already said I could wear it!"
 * Shelley: You're stupid! The school says girls can wear shirts like this so I can do what I want!
 * Randy: Okay, cool, then maybe I'll just wear whatever I want to school to come pick you up later!
 * Shelley: [walks out of the front door] GO AHEAD! [slams the door and leaves]
 * Randy: [frustrated] Ugh!
 * Sharon: She's gonna be fine, Randy. She's just growing up.
 * Randy: Oh, she's gonna be fine? Okay. Mark my words. If you walk around wearing a shirt that exposes your belly, you end up with a bad group of people doing a bunch of drugs. You'll see.


 * Kyle: Okay, Cartman, if your doctor wants to put you on medication, your insurance will pay for it.
 * Cartman: No, they said the insurance won't pay for it 'cause, um, they're kind of new drugs, and so the only people that can get them are people who can pay 1,200 bucks a month and the rest of us get this. [takes out his Lizzo prescription]
 * Kyle: What's this?
 * Cartman: It's a prescription for Lizzo. Rich people get Ozempic, poor people get body positivity.


 * Randy: Towelie! You're not gonna believe this. Dude, have you ever done GLP-1 peptides?
 * Towelie: GLP pep what now?
 * Randy: There's these new, crazy drugs people are doing. It's like cocaine and molly mixed together. They make women go crazy.
 * Towelie: No, really?
 * Randy: Yeah. Last night I was partying with nine hot MLFs, and this morning I woke up, and guess what? I don't feel like total shit. It's like a miracle drug.
 * Towelie: You partied all night and felt fine the next morning?
 * Randy: Totally fine. There's, like, nothing wrong with me.
 * Towelie: Wow. You want half a breakfast burrito?
 * Randy: No, I'm good. I seriously thought maybe I couldn't do hard drugs anymore 'cause of all the downsides the next day, but this, like, changes everything. There's another rager at Mable Thompson's house tomorrow. I can't fuckin' wait.


 * Kyle: Who needs hospitals and insurance, when we have TikTok and YouTube?


 * [The Marshes are having dinner at the table, but Randy is feeling bummed and hasn't even touched his food]
 * Sharon: Is something wrong with the food, Randy?
 * Randy: No, no, it was great.
 * Sharon: You're done? You want to just skip to dessert? I made your favorite pie.
 * Randy: [smiles] Ooh, pie? [then goes back to frowning] Yeah, maybe later.
 * Sharon: [to her children] Kids, can you leave the table so I can have a talk with your father?
 * Randy: What? What'd I do? Don't leave.
 * [Stan and Shelley leave the table and walk out of the kitchen]
 * Sharon: Randy, I think I know what's going on.
 * Randy: You do?
 * Sharon: Yeah. You keep saying you're going to the gym and doing Pilates, but then you aren't eating anything. Are you doing those new drugs everyone's doing?
 * Randy: What? Oh, my God. What? Sharon. I am not doing drugs.
 * Sharon: Just be honest, Randy.
 * Randy: Sharon, I smoke weed and drink beer. That's it. I can't believe you would even think I would... [gets up from the table] Sharon!
 * Sharon: Then how are you not eating?
 * Randy: What...? I ate. Just 'cause I don't eat as much as you. Just 'cause I'm doing Pilates, working out and stuff. Sorry, I don't eat as much as you do. I'm just trying to be better. Not on drugs. Why would you even suggest that I'm doing drugs? Are you drunk?


 * [Cartman injects his first obesity drug peptide dose into his body]
 * Kyle: Cartman?
 * Stan: Do you feel anything?
 * Cartman: I think so. Get me some Cocoa Puffs.
 * Stan: What?
 * Cartman: I need to make a cereal bomb. Get me Cocoa Puffs, Cap'n Crunch, and a bucket of KFC. Hurry!


 * Sugar Industry Boss: All of us in the sugar business have a big problem. We designed our cereals so that people would always crave more and more. But now obesity drugs are making people less cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Ain't that right, Sonny?
 * Sonny the Cuckoo Bird: We're talking a 60% hit to the business.
 * Sugar Industry Boss: These obesity drugs are an attack on all of us. Even you, Captain Crunch. The drugs are moving in on our turf. And we'll all be in trouble soon. Trix Rabbit… Tony le Tigre… and Sugar Bear.
 * Sugar Bear: We're only losing all the rich people. We'll be fine as long as lower-income people keep taking Lizzo.
 * Mascots: Lizzo, yeah. Lizzo, that's right. Yep, yep. Lizzo.
 * Sugar Industry Boss: We can't just keep pushing body positivity on people because there's a new threat… compounding pharmacies.
 * [The mascots all watch a TikTok video]
 * Kyle: Hey, what up, guys? It's your new friends at South Park Compounding Pharmacy. We are now taking orders for our affordable obesity drugs available to everyone. We're not here to just make money, we're here to make things fair.
 * Butters: And to make some money.
 * Kyle: Our semaglutides are safe and even cheaper than a Little Debbie snack cake.
 * Little Debbie: [insulted] Motherfucker.
 * Kyle: So just "Like and Subscribe" if you want to get on the list and we will get everyone who wants it their semaglutides.
 * Tony the Tiger: These people think they can just come in and mess with everything we've built? I say we kill every last fucking one of 'em.


 * Cartman: [comes downstairs and enters the living room] Mom, Mom! Look at me.
 * Liane: [surprised at her son's appearance] Eric! Oh, my goodness!
 * Cartman: It worked, Mom. I'm normal.


 * Cartman: [as Laura tries to take away his second obesity drug peptide dose] No, this is mine!
 * Laura: Give it to me, fatso!
 * Cartman: Fuck you, I need that!
 * Laura: Give me the peptide, you little fat fuck!


 * Sharon: I'm telling you, Sheila, these new drugs are pretty amazing. I was feeling so ashamed of myself. Watching Randy go out and exercise all the time, and not eating as much, but I just don't have the same kind of willpower he has.
 * Sheila: Which of the drugs are you on, Sharon? Ozempic? Monjaro?
 * Sharon: Oh, no, I talked to my doctor. He said insurance would only pay for those if I had diabetes.
 * Sheila: But if you can't afford them, how are you managing your weight?
 * Sharon: Don't you know, Sheila, now there's a whole new obesity drug for those of us who can't afford Ozempic and Monjaro. I've controlled all my cravings to be thinner with Lizzo.


 * [Kyle and Butters enter the kitchen and find Cartman, sadly making another cereal bomb, but this time, topping it with Twinkies and gravy]
 * Kyle: Cartman, what are you doing?
 * Cartman: The drugs are wearing off, Kyle. I didn't get my second dose. I just want to make an Oppenheimer and forget the whole thing.
 * Kyle: That's it? You're just gonna give up?
 * Cartman: I don't want to hope anymore.
 * Kyle: Well, you got to hope, Cartman. You hope and you work instead of turning to shit like that!
 * Cartman: It's all just making it worse, Kyle! Don't you get it?! Knowing there's a cure. Knowing I can have willpower injected into my body. It's all just made me dream about what my future can be like. But I realize now that those dreams are never gonna come true.
 * Kyle: Cartman, your dreams are going to come true.
 * Cartman: No, they won't.
 * Kyle: Yes, they will. You'll do everything you dreamed about, you just have to fight for those dreams. I don't have the willpower that you do. Just come back to the pharmacy with us. We're not gonna quit.
 * Cartman: But all our shit got stolen. My obesity drugs are with some women who don't even need them.
 * Kyle: So, are we gonna let them win? People can be as unfair as they want. But as long as there's a factory in India, I will never stop making obesity drugs for the needy.


 * Dig 'Em Frog: You think you can sell your drugs on our fuckin' turf? Only one drug is king in America. And that drug is sugar.


 * Tom: One of the largest manufacturers of semaglutide was attacked today by body positivity activists. Our own Bill Norman has more.
 * Bill: Tom, the advocates for body positivity broke into this obesity medicine facility and opened fire on everyone inside. The terrorists claimed that obesity is not a disease and that every body is beautiful as they then burned the factory to the ground. The identity of the attackers is still unknown, but one member of the militant group sent this anonymous message.
 * Tony the Tiger: [covering his identity; in distorted voice] Now instead of obesity drugs, people will have to rely on good things, like self-esteem and body positivity. They're g-r-r-reat!
 * Cartman: Does this mean I'm not gonna get my next dose? I'm just gonna stay fat?!
 * Kyle: What the hell is wrong with people?


 * Sonny the Cuckoo Bird: [riding a helicopter; on walkie-talkie] Destroy that shipment!
 * Cartman: Dude, it's Cocoa Puffs bird!
 * Randy: [sees Captain Crunch and Lucky the Leprechaun in a green 1972 Dodge Polara from the driver side mirror as Captain Crunch fires his rifle] And-and Captain Crunch! I think that's Captain Crunch!
 * Captain Crunch: You ain't taking this shit to your compounding pharmacy!
 * Randy: What's a compounding pharmacy?


 * Stan: Tony the Tiger killed Kenny!


 * Linda: Butters, what are you doing?!
 * Butters: Oh, hey, Mom!
 * Linda: Butters, you give Mommy those obesity drugs right now!
 * Butters: But I thought you didn't use obesity drugs, Mom. I thought you were doing Pilates and stuff.