Stanley Holloway

Stanley Holloway (1 October 1890 – 30 January 1982) was an English stage and film actor, comedian, singer, poet and monologist.

Sam, Sam, Pick Oop Tha' Musket

 * It occurred on the evening before Waterloo, And troops were lined up on parade, The Sergeant inspecting 'em he was a terror, Of whom every man was afraid


 * All excepting one man who was in the front rank, A man by the name of Sam Small, And 'im and the Sergeant were both 'daggers drawn', They thought 'nowt' of each other at all


 * As Sergeant walks past he was swinging his arms, And he happened to brush against Sam, And knocking his musket clean out of his hand, It fell to the ground with a slam


 * 'Pick it oop' said the Sergeant, abrupt-like, but cool, But Sam with the shake of his head, Being that thou knocked it out of me 'and, Let thou pick the thing up, instead


 * 'Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,' The Sergeant exclaimed with a roar, Sam said 'Tha' knocked it doon, reason tha'll pick it oop, Or it stays where it is on't floor


 * The sound of 'igh words very soon reached the ears of an officer, Lieutenant Bird, Who said to the Sergeant, 'Now what's all this here?' And the Sergeant told what had occurred.


 * 'Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,' Lieutenant exclaimed with some 'eat, Sam said, 'he knocked it down, reason he picks it oop, Or it stays where it is, at me feet'


 * It caused quite a stir when the Captain arrived To ‘find out the cause of the trouble’ And every man there, all excepting Old Sam, Was full of excitement and bubble.


 * 'Sam, Sam, pick oop the musket,' Said Captain, for strictness renowned. Sam said 'He knocked it doon, reason he picks it oop, or it stays where it is, on the ground.'


 * The same thing occurred when the Major and Colonel Both tried to get Sam to see sense, But when Old Duke o' Wellington came into view Well, then the excitement was tense


 * Up rode the Duke on a loverly white 'orse, To find out the cause of the bother, He looked at the musket and then at Old Sam, And he talked to Old Sam like a brother


 * 'Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket' The Duke said as quiet as could be,  'Sam, Sam Sam Sam, pick oop tha' musket,  Coom on lad, just to please me


 * 'Alright Duke,' said Old Sam, 'just for thee I'll oblige, And to show thee I meant no offence',  So Sam picked it up, 'Gradely, lad' said the Duke,  'Right-o boys... let battle commence.'


 * "Old Sam Small" monologue

And Yet I Don't Know!

 * Now my sister's daughter, Elizabeth May Is going to get married next Sunday, they say Now what will I buy her? She's such a nice girl. I think a piano will do very well. I saw one today, 'twas a beauty I found. Only ninety-five guineas. I'll have it sent round.


 * And yet I don't know. And yet I don't know! The sewing machine that cost me twenty guineas or so. And that would buy plenty of linen and thread And things that are hand-made are best, so it's said. It's not that I'm mingy - although I'm half Scotch. I know what I'll buy her. A Ingersoll watch.


 * And yet I don't know. And yet I don't know! The handkerchiefs that cost me three shillings or so - And that seems a lot for poor Uncle John And anything goes to blow noses on. Talking of noses, hers is red enough. I know what I'll buy her. A nice powder puff. Now she can't powder her nose with a grand piano. Nor yet with a sewing machine. She can't powder her nose with an Ingersoll watch - Well that's silly, you know what I mean. She can't powder her nose with a jumper. She'll find that a little bit rough. So I'll pop round to Woolworth's tomorrow, God bless her And buy her a nice powder puff. And yet I don't know. And yet I don't know! Sixpence ha'pennies aren't found in back yards. I'll not buy her a powder puff at all - no. I'll just send her my kindest regards.
 * "And Yet I Don't Know" monologue

My Word! You Do Look Queer!

 * I've been very poorly but now I feel prime, I've been out today for the very first time. I felt like a lad as I walked down the road, Then I met Old Jones and he said, "Well I'm blowed! My word you do look queer! My word you do look queer! Oh, dear! You look dreadful: you've had a near shave, You look like a man with one foot in the grave." I said, "Bosh! l'm better; it's true I've been ill." He said, "I'm delighted you're better, but still, I wish you'd a thousand for me in your will. My word, you do look queer!"


 * My knees started knocking, I did feel so sad. Then Brown said, "Don't die in a pub, it looks bad," He said, "Come with me, I'll show you what to do. Now I've got a friend who'll be useful to you." He led me to Black's Undertaking Depot, And Black, with some crepe round his hat said, "Hello, My word you do look queer!"


 * I crawled in the street and I murmured,"I'm done." Then up came Old Jenkins and shouted,"Oh son!" "My word you do look well! My word you do look well! You're looking fine and in the pink!" I shouted, "Am I? Come and have a drink! You've put new life in me, I'm sounder than a bell. By gad! There's life in the old dog yet. My word I do feel well!"
 * "My Word! You Do Look Queer" monologue