Steve Martin

Stephen Glenn Martin (born 14 August 1945) is an American comedian, writer, actor, musician and composer.

Quotes



 * The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need. My name in print. That really makes somebody. Things are going to start happening to me now!
 * As "Navin R. Johnson" in The Jerk (1979)

Hmm... Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means.
 * All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: "Dead men don't wear plaid."
 * As "Rigby Reardon" in Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)


 * You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.
 * As "Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr" in The Man with Two Brains (1983)


 * A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.
 * As Harris K. Telemacher in L.A. Story (1991)


 * Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
 * As Harris K. Telemacher in L.A. Story (1991)


 * Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman — it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.
 * Hosting the 73rd Academy Awards (2001) [14:42]


 * I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
 * Introducing the best adapted screenplay at the 2003 Academy Awards


 * It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it — The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.
 * After Moore's speech at the 75th Academy Awards, in 2003.


 * People come up to me and say "Steve, what is film editing?" And I say "How should I know? You're the director."
 * Introducing the film editing award at the Oscars.

Let's Get Small (1977)

 * You know, a lot of people come to me and they say: "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.

A Wild and Crazy Guy (1978)

 * I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.


 * Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! [audience repeats] I promise to be unique! [audience repeats] I promise not to repeat things other people say! [audience repeats, laughs] Good!

[Audience member]: What's your mood watch say? Martin: Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer.
 * It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, 'cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. — I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.


 * I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening — or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning … But never at dusk! Never at dusk, I would never do that.

Comedy Is Not Pretty! (1979)

 * Comedy is not pretty.

Quotes about Martin

 * Steve Martin came around for a barbecue once. I was grilling and he said, “Oh, no, I can’t have any of that.” I asked why not and he said, “Sorry, I’m vegetarian.” I said, “You didn’t know we are?! Everything on the grill is veggie!” He said, “Ahhh” and ate three veggie burgers and then asked where he could buy them.
 * Paul McCartney, Animal Times interview (Fall 1998)


 * (What’s your favorite book by a comedian?) It’s a tossup between Charlie Murphy’s “The Making of a Stand-Up Guy” and Steve Martin’s “Born Standing Up.” Both books capture the business incredibly well.
 * Trevor Noah interview (2016)