Stroker & Hoop

 (2004–2005) is an American adult animated television series created by Casper Kelly and Jeffrey G. Olsen for Adult Swim.

C.A.R.R. Trouble (a.k.a. Feelin' Dirty)

 * Stroker: C.A.R.R., where's the advance money from Megan's parents?
 * C.A.R.R.: You spent it on all sorts of crap--snacks, lottery tickets, beer, porn.


 * C.A.R.R.: Wait, Miss! There’s a sponge on my backseat. Could you just scrub my underside—
 * Jogging Woman: Pervert!
 * C.A.R.R.: A Whore!
 * Jogging Woman: A Whore?! Did you just me “A Whore”?! [C.A.R.R. drives away]

The Five Diamonds (a.k.a. A Hard Act to Follow)

 * (The Diamond Monster is wrecking havoc at the Arena)
 * Hoop: Stroker, I think we've been helping the bad guys.
 * David Copperfield: (appears beside them with arms crossed) No crap.

Tinfoiled Again (a.k.a. Star Crossed Livers)
Hoop: "Well burn my biscuits.":''[Phrase uttered by Hoop and several actors repeatedly while in Ron Howard's office. ]''

The Rube Job (a.k.a. Revenge is a Dish Best Served Fried)

 * Stroker: Eeny, meeny, miny, Mumu.

(Stroker shoots Mumu)
 * Hoop: Great job, Stroker. For a second there, I thought..

(Stroker shoots Hoop)

XXX Wife (a.k.a. Stroke Her and Boob)

 * Stroker: What's all this mail?
 * C.A.R.R.: Oh, it's the copies of "Stroke Her and Boob 2," just like you asked. One hiccup--once they sell out, they make more, so we're into the third printing. But no problemo--I took out a home equity loan in your name to pay for it.
 * Stroker: Wait a minute, what?
 * C.A.R.R.: On the bright side, congratulations! You and Hoop have been nominated for some awards; Hoop was nominated for ten, including Best Newcomer.
 * Stroker: How many did I get?
 * C.A.R.R.: One--Best Cleveland Steamer.


 * Stroker: Judd Winner is going down
 * C.A.R.R.: Oh, that reminds me. You were also nominated for Best Actor Going Down On A...
 * Stroker: Enough!

Quiller Instinct (a.k.a. Peeping Todd)

 * Hoop: My porcupine sense is telling me that I am not wanted here.
 * C.A.R.R.: All right, Hoop. One of your powers actually works.

Just Voodoo It (a.k.a. For Whom the Bear Tolls)

 * Coroner Rick: She had the motive, she was the last one to see him alive, she's goin' down.
 * Stroker: She's goin' down, alright--on me, after I prove her innocence.

I Saw Stroker Killing Santa (a.k.a. A Cold, Dead, White Christmas)

 * Stroker: (fires a single shot at his future self) That was a warning shot. My next shot'll be in your chest.
 * Ghost of Christmas Future: You idiot, the warning shot was in his chest!
 * [Future Stroker dies]
 * Stroker: Oh, crap. That's really gonna mess up the space-time contin..continuum--the space-time plane.


 * C.A.R.R.: Hop in, Santa. We're gonna get Stroker.
 * Santa: What about the storm?
 * C.A.R.R.: I can make it, Santa.
 * Santa: But you don't have four-wheel drive.
 * C.A.R.R.: No, but I'll tell you what I do have: heart.
 * Santa: Heart is good. Maybe if you had snow tires and heart, I'd feel safer.
 * C.A.R.R.: Santa, get in the damn car.
 * Narrator: It was true what he said. The little car had heart. He also had four bald tires and worn-out brake pads, which, under the circumstances, mattered a great deal more than heart.


 * C.A.R.R.: Stroker, you better help me deliver the presents and save Christmas. It's a real bitch.
 * Stroker: So Santa's real?
 * C.A.R.R.: He's real, alright. He's real dead, thanks to you.


 * C.A.R.R.: Merry Christmas. Santa sends his best. There's a sack in the back with presents for Sarah, Bobby, and Mr. and Mrs. Jones.
 * Sarah: Wow, thanks.
 * Mr. Jones: (opening sack) All I see are presents for Pablo and Juanita.
 * C.A.R.R.: Damn it. You idiots loaded up the South American bags for the North American trip. Bad reindeer. Bad reindeer!


 * C.A.R.R.: On Dashiell, on Danzig, on Randolph, on Blitzkrieg, on other non-copyrighted names.


 * Narrator: And that, my friends, is the story of how Stroker saved Christmas. Now, it took old Stroker a few years to get over losing the lottery, and then figure out this was a happy ending. But that's the funny thing about happy endings. They're not about getting richer. They're about growing older, and getting to share another year with the ones you love. (A man approaches and grabs the poor turkey around the neck) Wait! What the hell? No! No, I want to live! Dear God! Please, don't kill me! (He is dragged offscreen) Nooooo! (He is killed by the farmer, likely to end up Stroker and Hoop's Christmas dinner).

The Wrath of Khan'Ja (a.k.a. Dammit Mamet)

 * Stroker: You've gotta find Kahn'Ja and prove my innocence.
 * Hoop: I would, but I'm busy with my play.
 * Stroker: Hoop, screw your play!
 * Hoop: Guards!
 * Stroker: [the guards strap him to a gurney] I'm in a fucking strait-jacket! It's "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest" in there! My roommate masturbates every night to Ranger Rick Magazine! I gotta shit in a bedpan, Hoop!

How to Get Dead in Advertising (a.k.a. Caged Rose)

 * Rose: You know, Chica, I haven't had a roommate since college. I just hope you and I can be as good friends as Sandy and I were. They called us the Tuddle Twins, because we lived in Tuddle Hall.
 * Chica: I had a roommate once who wouldn't shut up, so I gave her a Columbian necktie.
 * Rose: I once gave my son Hoopy a Peruvian sweater, even though he had a bad report card.
 * Chica: It means I slit her throat and pulled her tongue out the hole!

Three Cheats to the Wind (a.k.a. Putting the 'Ass' in Assassin)

 * Double Wide: Hello? I'll take six orders of sizzling cajun wings and twelve large sodas, I'll take every curly fry in the damn state if you'll just please don't let me suffocate on my own urine, just please look into your heart, don't leave me here to suffocate on urine fumes, like an animal!


 * C.A.R.R.: like an animal suffocating on urine fumes?


 * [Coroner Rick startingly awakes]:


 * Coroner Rick: Oh my God, it's okay Rick, you're not a jiggling scrotum anymore, my blood sugar's must be getting low, I better get something to eat