Stuck on You (film)

Stuck on You is a 2003 comedy film directed by the Farrelly brothers about conjoined twins, whose conflicting aspirations provide both conflict and humorous situations, in particular when one of them wishes to move to Hollywood, California to pursue a career as an actor. Brothers stick together (taglines)

Dialogue

 * Morty O'Reilly: I'm gonna have to level with you. Siamese twins ain't the easiest sell I've ever had.
 * Bob: We're not Siamese. We're American.


 * Walt: What's a four-letter word for snatch?
 * Bob: Grab.
 * Walt: Oh... right. Whoopsie.


 * Cher: [to extremely young lover, while in bed together] Go to bed. You have a geography test in the morning.


 * Walt: She's got mace.


 * [from trailer]
 * Bob: We share a liver.
 * April: Are you sure you even need a liver?


 * Dart in Head Guy: [with dart stuck in his head] Hey, do I look different to you?
 * Man: You got a dart in your head, you dumb shit.


 * [Walt and Bob are considering separation]
 * Walt: Think about it. You'll be able to read a book alone, play golf by yourself, [whispering] masturbate in private like the good Lord intended.
 * Bob: What are you talking about?
 * Walt: Oh, please. Last night, it was like trying to sleep next to a paint-shaker.


 * April: Can I ask you a personal question?
 * Walt: Nine inches.


 * April: [after surgery to separate the twins] Bob, you look good.
 * Walt: He looks good. What am I, chopped liver?
 * April: Actually, yeah.


 * Rocket: [Bob is doing a bad job of cooking burgers by himself] Hey, Bob, get the lead out of your ass!
 * Bob: Hey, up yours, Rocket!
 * Rocket: [sarcastically] Oh, nice comeback.


 * Walt: Are you kidding? You could win a humanitarian award for how nice you were to us.
 * Cher: Aww... no. Well, really, is there talk of me getting one?
 * Walt: No, no, it's just a figure of speech.


 * Doctor 1: I'm afraid... we lost them. [girls gasp and begin to cry; other doctor enters]
 * Doctor 2: It's okay, they'd been taken up to the top floor. We found them.


 * [on her new TV show]
 * Cher: This makes Touched By An Angel look like Trainspotting.


 * Drive-by Heckler: Hey, Freaks!


 * Man in burger bar: [to Rocket] Hey! I ordered diet coke!
 * Rocket: Enjoy your meal.
 * Man in burger bar: [to Bob] Hey, you shouldn't have freaks in here!
 * Bob: You know, you're absolutely right, we don't want freaks in here, so Rocket, would you kindly show this freak to the door?


 * Walt: What's a three-letter word for man's best friend?
 * April: Tit?
 * Walt: No, I've tried that already.


 * Bob: [to Walt] Don't you walk away from me!

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 * Morty O'Reilly: If you do this, you're committing career suicide.
 * Walt: That's what they said when Erik Estrada quit "CHiPS".
 * Morty O'Reilly: You're shitting me. He quit?

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 * Walt: All right. Burgers on the house!
 * [everyone shouts "Yeah!"]
 * Bob: He's just kiddin', you cheap bastards.

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 * Walt: Hey, Dave. How about another tall one?
 * Dave: Got it. How about you there, Bob?
 * Bob: No, no. No, I'm cool. I'm the designated walker tonight.

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 * Cher: I was a bitch with a capital C.

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 * 1st AD: Excuse me, Miss Cher, there's a few fans outside hoping for autographs.
 * Cher: Allright, but I am not taking any pictures.
 * Cute Autograph Girl: Oh shit, it's just Cher.

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 * May: [to Bob and Walt] Look, I was hoping we could have a word in private, I mean just the three of us.

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 * May: [to motel clerk] Hey, you wouldn't happen to know if Bob was alone, would you?
 * Moe: I highly doubt it.

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 * Bob: Hey, I'm alone!
 * Convenience Store Patron: Great, buddy, you're gonna stay that way, too!

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 * Mimmy: Bob, the people at Table 14 are really hungry, where's the food?
 * Bob: How much time have I got left?
 * Mimmy: You're already 14 minutes over!
 * Bob: Well, then, what are they bitching about? They're gonna get a free meal.

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 * Bob: We flew over the Grand Canyon on our way out here.
 * May: Really?
 * Bob: Yeah, it's way different from the Vineyard. You know, with the big hole and shit. Um, and it's orange.

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 * Walt: Christ, Bob, you haven't been laid in five years.
 * Bob: Hey, how you know? [Walt gives him a serious look] Damn.

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 * Walt: Boozing with Cher... boozing with Cher...

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 * Walt: She'll be back. Where else is she gonna find a guy like you?
 * Bob: I don't know. Chernobyl?

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 * Bob: [to Walt, on the operating table just before the twins are anesthetized for dangerous separation surgery] Promise me you'll still be there when I wake up.

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 * Bob: Hi, how are ya? My name's Bob Tenor, but I'm really more of a baritone.

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 * Walt: Time's up, Casanever. Can I join you for a drink?
 * Bar Hottie: Sure.
 * Walt: Okay, what's your name?
 * Bar Hottie: Debbie.
 * [they shake hands]
 * Walt: Hi, I'm Walt Tenor.
 * Bar Hottie: Nice to meet you.
 * Walt: Nice to meet you!

Taglines

 * Brothers stick together.
 * A Farrelly outrageous comedy.
 * Whatever happens to the boys, one thing is certain. Nothing will ever come between them.
 * Brothers. Best Friends. Twins. (Joined at the waist by 9 inches of flesh).
 * This is Bob. This is Walt.
 * A new comedy from the director of There's Something About Mary and Shallow Hal.

Cast

 * Matt Damon - Bob Tenor
 * Greg Kinnear - Walter "Walt" Tenor
 * Eva Mendes - April Mercedes
 * Wen Yann Shih - May Fong
 * Pat Crawford Brown - Mimmy
 * Ray Valliere - Rocket
 * Tommy Songin - Tommy
 * Terence Bernie Hines - Moe Neary
 * Jackie Flynn - Howard
 * Seymour Cassel - Morty O'Reilly
 * Danny Murphy - Dicky
 * Steve Tyler (actor) - Detective Reudy
 * Dane Cook - Officer Fraioli
 * Lin Shaye - Makeup Babe
 * Annabella Thorne - MC Sideline
 * Tracy Ashton - Casting Agent #2

As themselves
 * Cher
 * Griffin Dunne
 * Jay Leno
 * Ricky Williams
 * Ben Carson
 * Mary Hart (uncredited)
 * Fernanda Lima (uncredited)
 * Frankie Muniz (uncredited)
 * Meryl Streep (uncredited)
 * Jesse Ventura (uncredited)