Summer Heights High

Summer Heights High is an Australian mockumentary television series, which originally aired on the Australian Broadcasting Corporation from 5 September to 24 October 2007. Written by and starring Chris Lilley, the series is a satirical parody of high school life epitomised by its three protagonists: effeminate and megalomaniac "Director of Performing Arts" Mr G; self-absorbed, privileged teenager Ja'mie King; and disobedient, vulgar Tongan student Jonah Takalua. It lampoons Australian high school life and many aspects of the human condition and is filmed in a documentary style, with non-actors playing supporting characters.

Episode 1

 * Ja'mie: [giving a speech at the school assembly] I come from one of the most expensive private girls' schools in the state, but I'm actually really cool. Please don't be intimidated by me. People always go, "Private schools create better citizens," but I would say they create better-quality citizens. Studies have shown that students from private schools are more likely to get into uni and end up making a lot more money, while wife-beaters and rapists are nearly all public-school-educated. Sorry, no offence, but it's true.


 * Doug: How is it okay for you to bully Ben?
 * Jonah: 'Cause he's a ranga.
 * Doug: A what?!
 * Jonah: A ranga, sir. 'Cause he's got red hair. Orangutan, that's what we call them.
 * Doug: And does that make it okay for him to be bullied, because he has red hair?
 * Jonah: Well, people are racist to FOBs...
 * Leon: To us.
 * Jonah: So... so we can be racist to rangas.
 * Doug: But redheads aren't a race, Jonah.
 * Leon: But, sir, there's heaps of 'em. They're everywhere.

Episode 2

 * Ja'mie: They set me up with this girl called Ashley, and she's supposed to, like, take me to classes and introduce me to her friends and stuff. And seriously, like, I don't wanna be a bitch, but she's, like, the fugliest girl I've ever met in my life.


 * Ja'mie: I just don't wanna be in classrooms with, like, no air conditioning and, like, asbestos in the roof and stuff. And no... And just crap desks and, like, skanky bogans everywhere and sluts and...

Episode 3

 * Ja'mie: What would you choose: Giant tits, or... or... fat with no tits?
 * Holly: Look, I think I'd say giant tits because...
 * Ja'mie: Giant tits, yeah. What was I thinking?
 * Jess: Would you ever go out with a fat guy?
 * Holly: Yeah.
 * Ja'mie: No way! No offence, but I seriously hate all fat people.


 * Mr G: [about a student who overdosed with ecstasy, Annabel] She was into the boys in a big way. Um... she was what the kids would call a slut. Which is a terrible thing to say about someone who's just died, but, um... apparently, there's no denying she was one.

Episode 4

 * [Ja'mie accidentally sent Bec a picture making fun of the girls over the Internet]
 * Ja'mie: It was meant as a joke, seriously.
 * Jess: It's not very funny! Bec was crying this morning 'cause you called her a "try-hard Asian."
 * Ja'mie: It was a total joke. I can't believe you printed it out.
 * Holly: Well, like, you obviously don't know how upset we are, Ja'mie. Like, I don't ever wanna be friends with you again.
 * Jess: No way.
 * Ja'mie: Guys, just learn what a sense of humour is, okay? It was a joke.
 * Holly: Um, you called Kaitlyn a "Housing Commission whore." It's not funny.
 * Kaitlyn: I mean, I live in a townhouse, not Housing Commission.
 * Jess: Yeah, and you called me a "Clearasil before shot."
 * Ja'mie: Guys, seriously, build a bridge and get over it.


 * Ja'mie: I'm not sitting next to some random emo.
 * Holly: Well, it looks like—
 * Ja'mie: Move, please.
 * Holly: I'm sorry. It looks like you don't have an option.
 * Ja'mie: Why don't you go fuck yourself, public school bitch?
 * Holly: Chill out, Ja'mie. You're really embarrassing yourself.
 * Ja'mie: You know what would be embarrassing? Having your head.


 * [Ja'mie is on the phone with her mum, emotionally distraught]
 * Ja'mie: Mum, it's me. I'm really upset. You've got to come pick me up. [pause] Because everyone's being a bitch to me! I should never have come here, they don't even have fucking grass on their ovals, it's all just dirt! [pause] I am not going to see the school counsellor you bitch! I hate this school, I do not want to be here. I want to fucking go back to Hilford. I'll trash my room and you'll be fucking cleaning it up, okay? I will have no hesitation in smashing your Dolls cover with a hammer, mum! I'm serious! Or maybe I'll get pregnant. Maybe I'll just go root some teacher or something and get pregnant and then you deal with that. You'll have to fucking raise the baby. Is that what you want? I'm seriously going to, like, hyperventilate and die and it'll be your fault. [pause] I am not fucking catching the train home!! That's fucking– the train stations out in the suburbs here are seriously fucked up, I'm gonna get, like, raped or something and then I'll be in counselling for the rest of my life and it'll be your fault!! Why are you being the biggest bitch in the world to me? I'm 16, mum, in a couple years time, I'm gonna be fucking out of your life. I'm not gonna even fucking invite you to my wedding. Do you love me?! If you fucking love me, you'll do as I fucking say! I just wanna go back to Hilford! That is where I belong! I'm not supposed to be here! I'm a fucking private school girl!!

Episode 5

 * [Ja'mie and the girls are starving themselves so the school lets them have a formal]
 * Holly: Are any of you guys hungry?
 * Ja'mie: We've been here for, like, 10 minutes. You told me you were anorexic. Obviously, you were lying.


 * [At assembly presentation for the formal]
 * Ja'mie: A school that bans formals is a school than bans life. Summer Heights High, you should be ashamed of yourself. Firstly, formals can give hope. They give povo people something to live for. Lack of formals in a school can also seriously affect the development of a girl. Without formals, you can seriously stunt girls socially and physically. No offence, but it's not exactly fun around here. A Year 11 formal could do so much for this school. Let me explain. Formals bring people together. They bring groups together and remove the apartheid of the playground.
 * Holly: Emos.
 * Ashley: Christians.
 * Bec: Asians.
 * Kaitlyn: Skanks.
 * Jess: Lesbians.
 * Ja'mie: And hot girls all come together at the formal. It's a social and cultural melting pot that goes off.
 * Holly: Emos can dance with the jocks.
 * Ashley: Christians sit with skanks.
 * Bec: Asians share limos with lesbians.
 * Ja'mie: And my group talks to the fugly girls. [walks over to Ashley] That's right—formals bring people together!

Episode 6

 * Ja'mie: Oh, my God, guys—issue. I had a girl come up to me in the playground asking me whether she could go to the formal with another girl.
 * Holly: Are you serious?
 * Ja'mie: And not as a joke thing.
 * Holly: Yeah, like, actually like a lesbian.
 * Ja'mie: As in full-on lesbians, yeah. I just don't think we should be letting them come. Like, I don't wanna be a bitch, but I just— I feel like there might be an easy way we can discourage them. You know, like, if we just said to them, like, "We'd prefer it if you didn't come."
 * Kaitlyn: Actually, I reckon lesbians are really, like, in at the moment. Like, there's some really hot lesbians and everything.
 * Holly: It'd be really accepting of us.
 * Ja'mie: They're going to drag things down. Like, we've got the most awesome night planned, and I don't wanna be, like, upstaged by a bunch of dykes.


 * Ms Murray: I've had a note from a parent, and according to this mother, you called her daughter a "walrus." And you said...
 * Mr G: Well...
 * Ms Murray: ...you were glad that you'd reinforced the stage or she might have fallen through.
 * Mr G: I was referring to Hannah Austen, and I think in that case it's a legitimate concern.

Episode 7

 * Mr G: I'm bloody resigning. I'm so sick of it. Shove it up your arse, Margaret! I'm resigning, everyone. I'm out of here. That's it. I'm gone. There's my letter of resignation. And there's some flowers for my dead dog. Why don't you stick those up your fat arse?! Fuck off, everyone! I'm gone.


 * Ja'mie: [dressed as a nurse at the AIDS fundraiser] I'm, like, a naughty AIDS nurse.

Episode 8

 * Ja'mie: [to the make-up artist] I don't wanna look slut. Like, not slut, but sort of semi-slut. Do you know what I mean?


 * Ja'mie: I'd rather be a paedophile than a lesbian, seriously.

Cast

 * Chris Lilley – Jonah Takalua, Mr G (Helen 'Greg' Gregson) and Ja'mie King