Super Troopers



Super Troopers is a 2001 comedy film about bored highway patrol officers in a remote part of Vermont.
 * Written and directed by Broken Lizard.

Altered State Police (taglines)



Mac

 * YOU BOYS LIKE MEX-E-CO?!?! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
 * [cross-eyed and with slight lisp] Do we look like the two dumbest guys in the world to you? Is that why you treat us with such disrespect?
 * One... Two... Three... Do It!
 * Do what? GO FUCK YOUR SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Farva

 * I guess that's it for the old locker. She stinks like ass but I'll still miss her. I guess you could say that about all my girls.
 * [refusing Captain Grady's bribe] I'm all highway.
 * Liter is French for give me some fuckin' cola or I'll break vous's fuckin' lip!
 * I don't want a large Farva. I want a goddamn liter o' cola!
 * I just lost a buck... to myself!
 * I'll take six schlitzes... or whatever's free.
 * I gotta bust criminals! It's what I gotta do!

Foster

 * What size cells are these? Eight by eight?  Ours are nine by nine... no big deal.
 * Oh, biker... I'm an idiot. [when Foster realizes that he misunderstood Ursula's disguise suggestion and dressed as a bicyclist]

Rabbit

 * You are freakin' out....man.
 * [After Thorny says, "You smell somethin', Rabbit?"] *Sniffs* Fear.
 * What, are you gonna light my ass on fire?

Thorny

 * Canada, eh? Almost made it.
 * [Deep voice] Mother of God.
 * 'Some male figure'? I'm his dad!
 * I am all that is MAN!
 * What? They can't lump us in with that fuckin' Martian.
 * [Messing around with a photo on the station computer] Enhance... Enhance... Enhance...
 * Alright, who wants a moustache ride?

Captain John O'Hagen

 * Sorry about that, Bruce. These boys get that syrup in 'em, they get all antsy in their pantsy.
 * Let me guess- you just humped the mayor's wife and burned down city hall.
 * [A repeated, sarcastic line, often said with an Irish accent] I'll believe that when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.
 * I scratched your back, Bruce! I scratched it good and hard! Now either you scratch my back, or you get my size ten boot up your ass!
 * Of *course* they started the fight! Now they've taken a jurisdictional grievance against us! I mean a murder on the highway! And you give them the investigation! Christ! We look like a bunch of pussies!
 * [About Farva, realizing he has betrayed O'Hagen and the others] We shoulda took him out back and shot him a long time ago.
 * I invented this gag, Rabbit! Only in my day, the rookie got naked! [Fires the pistol he is holding at a State Police cruiser, shattering a window] And we also used blanks... You're a sick motherfucker, Mac.
 * Look what I found! A two-by-four!
 * [Suddenly grabbing the radio while Foster is trying to apologize] URSULA! I'M NAKED!

Dialogue

 * Thorny: License and registration.
 * Driver: Uh, Officer, I know that-
 * Thorny: License and registration, please.
 * Driver: The regis-
 * Thorny: You know how fast you were goin'?
 * Driver: What?
 * Rabbit: How fast you were goin'?
 * Driver: Uh, 65?
 * Thorny: 63.
 * Driver: Officer, isn't-- isn't the speed limit 65?
 * Thorny: Yeah, it is. Where you boys headed?
 * Passenger: Canada.
 * Driver: C-- Canada. We're goin' over the border to Canada for some french fries and gravy, sir.
 * Thorny: Canada, huh? Almost made it. [pause] Are you okay?
 * Driver: Yeah, sure.
 * Thorny: Yes, sir?
 * Driver: Yes, sir.
 * Thorny: Now, did you say, 'Yes, sir'?
 * Rabbit: I think he said, 'Yeah, sure.'
 * Passenger: What'd you say, man?
 * Driver: Well, I said, 'Yeah, sure,' but what, literally, I said was, 'Yeah, sure, sir.'
 * Thorny: So you are okay then?
 * Driver: Yes, sir.
 * Thorny: You smell somethin', Rabbit?
 * Rabbit: [Sniffs] Fear.


 * Thorny: Do you know why I pulled you over?
 * Driver: Uhhh...
 * Thorny: Littering. [holds up bag of marijuana]
 * Driver: Oh, officer, that's not ours.
 * Kid in back: [deep groan] Candy bars!
 * Thorny: Littering and... Littering and... Littering and... [the rest of the car joins in, causing the kid in the back to freak out from the echoes] Littering and smoking the reefer. Now to teach you boys a lesson, me and officer Rabbit are going to stand here while you three smoke the whole bag.
 * Kid in Back: Please, no.
 * Rabbit: Please, yes.
 * [A white Mazda Miata speeds by]
 * Mac: FUCKIN' PIG!
 * Thorny: Mother of God.


 * Foster: Aw, Mac, you fucker!
 * Mac: Gree-tings. [Laughs] You guys are too slow.
 * Foster: You killed my dummy.
 * Thorny: Mac, now I'm going to pay you. But I shouldn't, 'cause I knew it was you the whole time.
 * Mac: Aw, Thorny, don't lie in front of the rookie. It sets a bad example.


 * Thorny: Foster, where are your shoes?
 * Foster: What, are you the shoe police now?
 * Thorny: I am, and you owe me 20 laps around the bar. Lets go.
 * Foster: Your black magic only works on the rookie.
 * Thorny: That's brown magic.


 * O'Hagen: Farva. Forgot the coffee.
 * Farva: My bad, Cap.
 * O'Hagen: All right, all right; let's get started. I got the latest shit list, gentlemen. It's down to Flagstone, Guilford, Deer Lick, and us. And you can bet your sweet butts if we keep up these low numbers, we're gonna get the big, ugly axe.
 * Mac: Who'll bust heads on the highway?
 * O'Hagen: The goddamn local cops, that's who! And you better believe that Grady and his goons have got a copy of this list, so we need to step it up.
 * Farva: [leaning out of the break room] Who wants cream? Nobody? Okay, no cream.
 * O'Hagen: Foster, how many tickets did you issue last week?
 * Foster: Uh, I don't have my figures here in front of me...
 * O'Hagen: Three.
 * Foster: Can't make 'em speed.
 * O'Hagen: Try hiding.
 * Thorny: And grow a goddamn mustache, would ya?
 * Foster: Hey, I haven't shaved in two weeks! I swear!
 * Farva: Coffee served! No, no, that one's for Rabbit!
 * Rabbit: Oh look, a bar of soap.
 * Farva: Oh ho ho, Shit I got you good you fucker!
 * Mac:: [With mocking voice and fake lisp] Awesome prank Farva.
 * Farva: It's better than the shit you pull, Mac!
 * O'Hagen: Look, guys... every Thursday night I come in here, to play cards, and they always have my favorite game on the table. I like that. I like it here. [Sees the troopers talking, ignoring him] Oh, hell, give me the Goddamn soap! [Grabs the bar of soap Farva placed in Rabbit's coffee cup, bites off a chunk of it and spits it out] We got fifty miles of highway here! That stretch of highway is ours, and I'll be damned if we're gonna let Grady and those buttheads get their hands on it! Thorny, you're the ranking officer here. Let's do our jobs and keep this place open, huh?! Let's do it! Farva! Your suspension continues. Hit the radio!


 * O'Hagen: I just got off the phone with Tom McCardle From the budget committee. This thing with Farva screwed our pooch.
 * Thorny: What? They can't lump us in with that fuckin' Martian.
 * O'Hagen: We're all in the same boat, fellas.
 * Mac: But our shenanigans are cheeky and fun.
 * Thorny: Yeah, his shenanigans are cruel and tragic.
 * Foster: Which wouldn't make them shenanigans at all, really.
 * Mac: [Irish voice] Evil shenanigans!
 * O'Hagen: [visibly annoyed] I swear to God, I'll pistol whip the next guy that says 'shenanigans!'
 * Mac: Hey Farva, what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?
 * Farva: You mean Shenanigans'?
 * Mac, Foster and Thorny: Oooooooooooooooooo! [Laughing, Mac and Thorny offer O'Hagen their pistols]
 * Farva: You're talking about Shenanigans', right?
 * O'Hagen: Put those away!


 * Grady: I'm sorry about that delousing. Just standard procedure.
 * Farva: It's powdered sugar.
 * Grady: The lice ... hate the sugar. So anyway-
 * Farva: [Interrupting] It's delicious.
 * Grady: Good, good...
 * [...]
 * [Grady is trying to bribe Farva to betray the State Police]
 * Grady: Now I have talked to the Governor myself. She's gonna shut your station down, son; it's gonna happen. And when that happens I could really use a good cop like yourself. So... Can we make a deal?
 * Farva: [flatly] I'm all highway.


 * Mac: Come in Radio.
 * Farva: Don't call me Radio, Unit 91.
 * Mac: Don't call me Unit 91, Radio!
 * Farva: ...Are we done?
 * Mac: Yeah okay Radio. We got a suspicious vehicle, white Caprice, Vermont Plates, Tijuana, Gringo, Oner, Fiver, Zero.
 * Farva: Roger, checking...Unit 91 that license plate belongs to a local Spurburry Police vehicle.
 * Mac: It does?! Oh my gosh!
 * Farva: ...Very funny 91.


 * German Man: I'm sorry officer for the speeding violation, I'm so used to driving on the autobahn.
 * German Woman: Ich finde er sieht wie Shaun Cassidy aus. [I think he looks like Shaun Cassidy.]
 * German Man: Ja, das finde ich auch, yummi yummi. [I think so too, yummi yummi.]
 * Rabbit: Do you know why I pulled you over?
 * German Man: Because we were going way too fast.
 * Rabbit: Ja.
 * German Man: Ja. Well the thing is I cannot afford to have another ticket on mein Porsche. Is there something I could do for you, or perhaps something my wife could do? Perhaps there is something you would like to do to her?
 * German Woman: Is there maybe something you would like me to do to you? Or maybe something you would like to do to me? Hmm?
 * German Woman: Maybe some hard spanking und cuffing is in order.


 * Farva: Give me a double bacon cheeseburger.
 * Dimpus Burger Guy: [into microphone] Double baca cheeseburger. It's for a cop.
 * Farva: What the hell's that all about? You gonna spit in it now?
 * Dimpus Burger Guy: No, I just told him that so he makes it good. [into microphone] Don't spit in that cop's burger.
 * Farva:' Yeah, thanks.
 * Second Dimpus Guy: Roger, holding the spit.
 * [...]
 * Dimpus Burger Guy: Uhh, right. Beverage?
 * Farva: Gimme a liter o' cola.
 * Dimpus Burger Guy: [into the mic] Liter Cola? Do we sell Liter Cola?
 * Thorny: Will you just order a large, Farva?
 * Farva: I don't want a large Farva. I want a goddamn liter o' cola!
 * Dimpus Burger Guy: [to Farva] I don't know what that is!
 * Farva: [enraged and grabbing the Dimpus Burger Guy] Liter is French for give me my fuckin' cola before I break vous fuckin' lip!
 * Dimpus Burger Guy: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, RELAX!
 * [later, Farva pulls a sweepstakes sticker off his liter o' cola to find a hole was cut in the cup]
 * Farva: Dammit, you burger punk! You son of a bitch! [Runs over to the counter, jumps over it, and tackles the Dimpus Burger Guy]
 * Dimpus Burger Guy: [throws a tray of fries in the air as Farva tackles him] AAHHH!


 * Rabbit: Wait, so the local cops are selling Afghany grass to the Canadians? Assholes.
 * Thorny: No Rabbit, it's coming in from Canada.
 * Rabbit: Ah! Canadian grass. [nods] Assholes.
 * Thorny: The local mothers are running protection for 'em.
 * Rabbit: Oh. I guess I'm the asshole then...


 * [Captain O'Hagen is watching security camera footage from the Dimpus Burger that Farva and Thorny recently visited. An enraged Farva repeatedly attacks the Dimpus Burger Guy with food, cups, etc. despite the efforts of Thorny and Dimpus Burger employees to restrain him.]
 * O'Hagen: That's it- you're off the road, never again.
 * Farva: Sir, it was not my fault!
 * O'Hagen: And neither was the Goddamn school bus! You know, there was a time we'd take a guy like you out back and beat you with a hose; now you got your Goddamn unions.
 * Farva: Cap, you know I'm not a pro-union guy.
 * O'Hagen: And you're banned from Dimpus Burger!
 * Farva: Damn!
 * O'Hagen: Get some gloves. From now on, you're my cleaning lady. BEAT IT!


 * O'Hagen: Look, I'm done dickin' around. Either you let us in on this investigation or I'm going to embarrass you personally.
 * Grady: Oh, what? Like naked in a dream, embarrassed?
 * O'Hagen: No, no. More like back in '77 when you got caught fuckin' your cousin, embarrassed.
 * Grady: She's not my cousin! [Hangs up]

Cat Game

 * [Foster and Mac have pulled a man over for speeding and are deciding what game to play]
 * Mac: All right, how about "Cat Game?"
 * Foster: Cat Game? What's the record?
 * Mac: Thorny did six, but I think you can do ten.
 * Foster: Ten? Starting right 'meow?'
 * [Mac laughs - they walk up to the car, and Foster taps on the driver side]
 * Larry Johnson: Sorry about the...
 * Foster: All right meow. Hand over your license and registration.
 * [the man hands him his license]
 * Foster: Your registration? Hurry up meow.
 * [Mac ticks off two fingers]
 * Larry Johnson: Sorry.
 * [the man laughs a little]
 * Foster: Is there something funny here boy?
 * Larry Johnson: Oh, no.
 * Foster: Then why you laughing, Mister... Larry Johnson?
 * [pause]
 * Foster: All right meow, where were we?
 * Larry Johnson: Excuse me, are you saying meow?
 * Foster: Am I saying meow?
 * [Mac puts his hands up for the fourth one, but makes an "eehhh" facial expression, as he is considering the last one]
 * Larry Johnson: I thought...
 * Foster: Don't think boy. Meow, do you know how fast you were going?
 * [man laughs]
 * Foster: Meow what is so damn funny?
 * Larry Johnson: I could have sworn you said meow.
 * Foster: Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly-bimbly from tree to tree?
 * [Mac is gut-busting laughing]
 * Foster: Am I drinking milk from a saucer?
 * [feigned anger]
 * Foster: Do you see me eating mice?!
 * Foster: [Mac and the man are laughing their heads off now] You stop laughing right meow!
 * Larry Johnson: [Stops and swallows hard] Yes sir.
 * Foster: Meow, I'm gonna have to give you a ticket on this one. No buts meow. It's the law.
 * [rips off the ticket and hands it to the man]
 * Foster: Not so funny meow, is it?
 * Foster: [Foster gets up to leave, but Mac shakes his hands at him, indicating only nine meows] Meow!

Taglines

 * Altered State Police
 * It's their highway. You're just driving on it.
 * You don't mess with the law. The law messes with you.

Cast

 * Jay Chandrasekhar as State Trooper Arcot 'Thorny' Ramathorn
 * Kevin Heffernan as State Trooper Rodney 'Rod' Farva
 * Steve Lemme as State Trooper MacIntyre 'Mac' Womack
 * Paul Soter as State Trooper Jeff Foster
 * Erik Stolhanske as State Trooper Robert 'Rabbit' Roto
 * Brian Cox as Captain John O'Hagen
 * Daniel von Bargen as Police Chief Bruce Grady
 * Jim Gaffigan as Larry Johnson