Talk:Linda Smith

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 * We've more convenience foods now: instant Instant Whip and of course Instant Tea - so much quicker. Just pour boiling water on Instant Tea. At last! An end to 'pouring boiling water onto a tea bag' misery. I must try and let go of my anger about the wasted years of tea bag drudgery behind me - oh, the time I could have saved! I could have learned languages, pottery.. oh leave it Linda, it's gone, it's gone. I believe Marks and Spencer now market a cup of tea that's already been drunk for you - just a brown ring in a mug.
 * So dodgy phones are disturbing, yes, but in the danger stakes, they're hardly the First World War, are they? Wilfred Owen would have had his work cut out trying to be the poetic voice of the lost generation of microwave victims: 'The white eyes writhing in his face, his lolling face, like a devil's sick of.. trying to get that shepherd's pie warmed up.'
 * The Duke and Duchess of Hamilton are boycotting Jenners, which is a department store in Edinburgh, because they stock foie gras, which is a cruelly produced goose liver.. fantastic bit of class war from the Duke & Duchess, direct political action, and they're standing outside the shop going, 'Here one doesn't go, here one doesn't go, here one doesn't go'.. And there's a lovely quote from the Duke who said, 'I've tried it once, and it wasn't good enough to justify the cruelty'. That is marvellous.. this scale of cruelty.. 'For a bacon sandwich' - for example - 'I'd hand my entire family over to the Stasi.'
 * (On John Prescott:) I suspect language isn't his first language.
 * Teachers have been told this week that they can now restrain unruly pupils, they can now put a hand on them and push them or hold them but not hurt them. In fact, there's a lovely little phrase in the report, 'They can shepherd them from the room' (spoken in a rural accent). 'And here's Mrs Crabtree, thirty-five, been a teacher for ten years. And we've got Craig, a drug crazed thug (whistles to sheep dog). Come by, come by, come by, Craig. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, Craig's stabbed her with a craft knife. She'll lose points for that.
 * (missing words wround on HIGNFY) POLICE SAY SORRY FOR.. 'Walking on the Moon', and all their other crap singles.
 * (on Princess Diana's voice coach:) He vowed that he would never sell the tapes until he felt like it. She said Charles only wanted sex every three weeks. Well, that seems a very odd thing to say to a voice coach. Normally it's your Henry Higgins - you know, 'The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.' Not 'My husband only shags me every three weeks.'
 * I did take a little peek at Nigel Lawson's book, The View from Number 11 - Memoirs of a Tory 'Radical' - blimey, I always find that expression as convincing as the Hannibal Lecter vegan restaurant really.. or Genesis 'live'. There's a review on the front of it that describes it as 'grippingly readable' - shall I read the bit on controlling public expenditure with a subsection on VAT, or shall I save it for bedtime?
 * I'm a dyslexic Satanist, I worship the drivel.
 * I don't do the lottery, which means I'm marginally less likely to win than someone who does.
 * I play all my country and western music backwards - your lover returns, your dog comes back and you cease to be an alcoholic.
 * On Argos, "home shopping plus a walk".
 * On Curling, "housework on ice".
 * On Jesus Christ, "we know he wasn't English because he wore sandals - but never with socks" (Source: Mock the Week).
 * On ovarian cancer of which she died, "a Cinderella cancer, it doesn't have the same glamour as breast cancer".
 * On the book Lord of the Rings, "a book for engineering students called Dave".
 * On tennis player Tim Henman, "he's the human form of beige" (on Room 101).

The latter may not be that much of a reliable quote as she says on Timewasting that "Delia Smith is a human form of beige." It's too formulaic to be a quote. 92.20.114.170 12:57, 5 September 2011 (UTC)