Talk:Masturbation

Unsourced

 * I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
 * Woody Allen


 * I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
 * Dave Attell


 * If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't 'taper off'. You've got to quit, cold jerky!
 * Lenny Bruce


 * The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it
 * Truman Capote


 * If God had intended for us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
 * George Carlin


 * Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed.
 * George Carlin


 * My mother caught me.
 * George Costanza from Seinfeld


 * Physics is to mathematics as sex is to masturbation
 * Richard Feynman


 * The only thing about masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it badly.
 * Sigmund Freud


 * Intercourse with a woman is sometimes a satisfactory substitute for masturbation. But it takes a lot of imagination to make it work.
 * Karl Kraus


 * Sophisticated persons masturbate without compunction. They do it for reasons of health, privacy, thrift and because of the remarkable perfection of invisible partners.
 * P. J. O'Rourke


 * We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
 * Lily Tomlin


 * If you're going to gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much.
 * Mark Twain


 * Masturbation is just like procrastination, it's fun at first, but in the end you're just screwing yourself.
 * Anonymous


 * Marriage is like a game of bridge: if you don't have a good partner you'd better have a good hand.
 * Mae West