Talk:Nipsey Russell

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 * Help a man when he is in trouble;
 * Help him and never complain
 * For surely that man will remember you!
 * ...When he is in trouble again.


 * I'm here to set the record straight
 * about sex appeal and a woman's weight.
 * It's nice to be neat and look petite,
 * but if you wanna feel some heat, you've got to have some meat!


 * Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife
 * His oxen thou shalt not slaughter.
 * but thank the lord is no sin,
 * to covet thy neighbor's daughter!


 * It was a horrible nightmare, a terrible dream
 * That kept me up all through the night.
 * six women were fighting to make love to me,
 * And the ugly one kept winning the fight!


 * When my girl told me I was a model lover
 * I was so happy that I could sing.
 * But I looked it up and found that a model,
 * Is just a smaller version of the actual thing!


 * Will sex still be great when I'm 98?
 * It might be, but I won't participate!


 * George Washington threw a silver dollar
 * Across the river one day;
 * And ever since then, politicians in Washington
 * Been throwin' our money away!


 * One bright day in the middle of night
 * two dead boys got up to fight
 * back to back they faced each other,
 * drew their swords and shot each other.
 * A deaf policeman heard the noise
 * came and shot the two dead boys
 * If you don't believe my rhyme is true,
 * ask the blind man, he saw it too!

During one unidentified episode of Let's Make a Deal, on which Russell played for a home audience member:
 * They say money can't buy happiness
 * but I'll tell you how I feel.
 * What money does buy, I seldom use.
 * So, heck, let's make a deal!


 * When sounds are heard around the house
 * of little kids and their toys,
 * we know children were sent from heaven
 * 'cause the Lord couldn't stand that noise.

Nipsey Russell on word meanings during an unidentified episode of Password Plus (also used during a posthumous tribute on CNN):
 * The opposite of pro is con
 * That fact is clearly seen
 * If progress means move forward
 * Then what does Congress mean?

Nipsey Russell on aging:
 * Each day we turn another page
 * You know you're reaching middle age 
 * When your pimples and your rashes
 * Turn to wrinkles and hot flashes.

Nipsey Russell on baby care:
 * Don't put the baby on a waterbed;
 * It could be very grim."
 * You don't know if he's wetting the bed,
 * Or the bed is wetting him.

On an episode of Super Password:
 * I just saw a movie about a mermaid.
 * Did I like it? I don't know why!
 * There's not enough woman to make love to,
 *  and too much fish to fry!

From an episode of Match Game '74:
 * In this terrible recession;
 * When our businesses will not thrive;
 * Give us our social security now;
 * And we'll work at 65!

From an episode of Match Game '75:
 * The young people are very different today;
 * And there's one sure way to know;
 * Kids used to ask where they came from;
 * Now they'll tell you where you can go.

From an episode of Match Game '76:
 * I'm a bachelor and will not marry
 * till the right woman comes along.
 * But while I'm waiting, I don't mind dating
 * Girls I know are wrong!

From a special "TV Hosts" episode of Family Feud on which Russell played:
 * Playing Family Feud today
 * Are talented women and men;
 * Lost their jobs giving money away,
 * So now they're trying to win.


 * Each day we turn another page
 * You know you're reaching middle age
 * When your pimples and your rashes
 * Turn to wrinkles and hot flashes!

From the unsold pilot of Star Words:
 * 50% of married women cheat on their husbands
 * That's what the researcher claims.
 * Percentages don't mean a thing to me,
 * What I need to know are some names!

From the unsold pilot of Jackpot:
 * They recently made a movie about a mermaid
 * Can't understand the reason why.
 * Not enough woman to make love too,
 * And too much fish to fry!

From the premiere of Your Number's Up:
 * If you owe too much on American Express
 * And your Diner's Club notes are too hard,
 * Take a loan on your Visa and pay it off with your Mastercard!

From an appearance on The Amazing World of Kreskin:
 * Go to college, see it through
 * if they can make penicillin out of moldy cheese
 * they can make something out of you!


 * Spring has sprung,
 * Fall has fell
 * Now winter's come
 * and it's colder than usual.

The following are from two consecutive episodes of The $25,000 Pyramid:
 * Eve told Adam to eat the apple,
 * And from that day we knew:
 * Listen to a woman and you bite off
 * more than you can chew!


 * I used to wish for 100 wives
 * Like the harem that I once saw,
 * But I gave it up once I realized
 * I'd have 100 mothers-in-law!

Nipsey Russell on a dress worn by Connie Van Dyke on an episode of the game show You Don't Say!:
 * Some of these dresses that Connie's been wearing
 * Has caused me to wonder in doubt.
 * Is she outside trying to get in
 * Or inside trying to get out?

From another episode of The $100,000 Pyramid
 * If you make sweet love with a school teacher
 * You'll have a sensational night.
 * She'll make you do it and do it and do it again,
 * Until you get it right.


 * I got a new girlfriend,
 * No guy could ask for more.
 * She’s deaf, dumb, oversexed, And owns a liquor store!


 * If you don't tell me who sprung the leak, y'all goin' to be expelled for at least a week.


 * When times are rough and things are tough,
 * Live by the Golden Rule Plan:
 * Do unto others 'fore they do it to you
 * And then run as fast as you can.


 * What is the secret of eternal youth?
 * The answer is easily told;
 * All you gotta do if you wanna look young
 * Is hang out with people who are old.


 * If they don't walk and talk by two;
 * You worry, you fret and you frown.
 * But after that it is all you can do;
 * To get them to shut up and sit down.

Nipsey roasting Don Rickles on a different Dean Martin Celebrity Roast:
 * Blow the trumpet of brotherhood
 * And beat on freedom's drum,
 * But Don, don't you sing with my people
 * Or we shall not overcome!

Nipsey roasting Lucille Ball:
 * Those who think women are the weaker sex
 * Can't see the trees from the woods
 * For although everyone knows it's the rooster that crows,
 * It's the hen who delivers the goods.

Nipsey on aging:
 * Each day we turn another page.
 * You know you're reaching middle age
 * When your pimples and your rashes
 * Turn to wrinkles and hot flashes.

Nipsey on a Family Feud special speaking of the 10 hosts (including himself) playing the game:
 * Playing Family Feud today
 * Are some talented women and men.
 * Lost their jobs giving money away,
 * So now, they're trying to win

Nipsey on word meanings:
 * The opposite of pro is con.
 * That fact is clearly seen.
 * If progress means moving forward,
 * Then what does Congress mean?

Nipsey on politicians:
 * George Washington threw a silver dollar
 * Across the Potomac one day,
 * And ever since then, politicians in Washington
 * Been throwing our money away.

Nipsey on youth:
 * What is the secret of eternal youth?
 * The answer is easily told;
 * All you gotta do if you wanna look young
 * Is hang out with people who are old.


 * If you ever go out with a schoolteacher,
 * You're in for a sensational night;
 * She'll make you do it over and over again
 * Until you do it right.


 * The young people are very different today;
 * And there's one sure way to know;
 * Kids used to ask where they came from;
 * Now they'll tell you where you can go!

Nipsey commenting on a dress worn by Connie Van Dyke while appearing on an episode of the game show You Don't Say!:
 * Some of these dresses that Connie's been wearing
 * Have caused me to wonder in doubt.
 * Is she outside trying to get in
 * Or inside trying to get out?

Nipsey on bachelorhood:
 * I am a bachelor and I will not marry
 * Until the right girl comes along.
 * But while I'm waiting, I don't mind dating
 * Girls that I know are wrong!