Talk:Spike Milligan

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-From Spike's collection of War Diaries
 * A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
 * Education isn't everything; for a start it isn't an elephant.
 * I can't see the sense in it [his honorary CBE] really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes — at least that exists.
 * How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
 * My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
 * The man has no talent. The only nice thing I can wish him is an early death
 * About British DJ and television presenter Chris Evans when Milligan appeared on Room 101
 * World peace could be a possibility...if it weren't for all those damned foreigners!
 * The boy stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled. Twit.
 * Commentary on a poem
 * I'm fucking Irish!
 * When a fan asked him for the autograph of the funniest Englishman ever.
 * Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
 * Commentary on Scotland

On life and death

 * When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It is of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts.
 * Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
 * Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy.
 * All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
 * I hope you go before me because I don't want you singing at my funeral.
 * In a fax to Harry Secombe. Harry did go before Spike, but Harry Secombe sang at Spike's funeral from a recording.

On royalty

 * Oh, the little grovelling bastard.
 * Response at the British Comedy Awards in 1994 after the reading of a letter from Prince Charles congratulating him on his Lifetime Achievement Award
 * I suppose a knighthood is out of the question then?
 * Fax to Prince Charles shortly afterwards
 * I can't see the sense in it really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists.
 * Upon receiving his CBE
 * Said Prince Charles when they placed the crown on his head: I suppose this means that Mummy's dead.

Other quotes

 * We're Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Ratties!
 * There's no such thing as anything, and sometimes even less!
 * The small of my back is too big
 * My ribs give me claustrophobia
 * I don't like jam, I don't want it to know where I am
 * I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.