Talk:Taxi (TV series)

= Unsourced quotes =
 * NOTE: These quotes need the episode from which they are taken before moving them to the oage.

Alex Reiger

 * One thing about being a cabbie is that you don't have to worry about being fired from a good job.
 * We're arguing because we care too much, and we're breaking up because we don't care enough.


 * [Alex sleeps with mechanic Latka's mother, then explains to fellow driver Elaine the next day]: I just couldn't help it. When we were alone, she turned into an animal - a great one.
 * [Trying to convince Louie not to antagonize Bobby] It's not hard to make people feel bad about their lives. What's hard is making people feel good about their lives.

Louis De Palma

 * I know what love is 'cuz' I watch talk shows. Love is the end of happiness!
 * Whenever I hear the word "marriage," I say, "Check, please!"
 * [Jim Ignatowski brings a racehorse he purchased to work with him.] Get that ugly, flea-ridden, stinking animal out of my garage, and tell him to take his horse with him!
 * [When a driver quits for a better opportunity] He'll be back. They all come back. There's only one person who ever made it out of this garage, and that was James Caan...and he'll be back!!
 * Some men climb mountains, others date 'em!
 * That dame is older than the continental shelf!

Jim Ignatowski

 * When I think of me, I smile.
 * Hey, Alex - You know the really great thing about television? If something important happens, anywhere in the world, night or day... you can always change the channel.
 * If you find yourself in a confusing situation, simply laugh knowingly and walk away.
 * [On boxing] The ability to witness two men stand toe to toe in the spirit of sportsmanship and pummel each other into insensibility is what separates us from the animals.
 * I wonder about things, like, if they call an orange an "orange", then why don't we call a banana a "yellow" or an apple a "red"? Blueberries, I understand. But will someone explain gooseberries to me?
 * [Reminiscing about Woodstock] I wore flowers in my hair and meditated for hours on end. I was finding God all over the place. He kept ditching me.
 * [Working as a door-to-door salesman, Jim reads from a written script.] Good afternoon, "Mr. and/or Mrs. Fill in Name of Couple." I'm "Fill in your name", but you can call me "Nickname."
 * [End of Jim's eulogy for his pet horse, Gary] In his heart he was still a 2 yr old. When your legs give out it's nice to have people around that understand what is in your heart.

Latka Gravas

 * [On numerous occasions, Latka has an automatic response, whether appropriate or not.] Thank you very much!

Tony Banta

 * [Latka has a multiple personality disorder, turning into a persona called Vic Ferrari for the first time.] It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Heckle!

Dialogue

 * [Latka pays Louie with an unfamiliar coin.]
 * Louie: What's this?
 * Latka: It's a kebble.
 * Louie: What's a kebble?
 * Latka: 110 kebble make a lithnitch.
 * Louie: What's a lithnich?
 * Latka: 270 lithnich make a matta.
 * Louie: What's a matta?
 * Latka: I don't know, what's the matter with you?


 * Louie: Do you know what the difference is between people like you and people like me, Nardo?
 * Alex: Yeah, two million years of evolution.


 * Bobby: We were wondering if you would join us for a few minutes?
 * Jim: Well, what did you decide?


 * Jim: You know, you really need to clean up those bathrooms.
 * Alex: You just came from the kitchen.
 * Jim: Thank God.


 * Alex: Jim, when are you finally going to have some pride and stand up for yourself?
 * Jim: August!


 * Jim: What did you win that trophy for?
 * Alex: For making a fool of myself.
 * Jim: Why doesn't anyone tell me about contests like that?


 * [Elaine learns that her friend got so intoxicated, she ended up sleeping with Louie.]
 * Elaine [to Louie]: Poor Emily. It's so sad that she mixed drugs and alcohol and spent the night with you...when most people only die.


 * Louie: What're you listening to, Banta?
 * Tony: I can be here if I want to.
 * Louie: No, you can't.
 * Tony: This is America, Louie.
 * Louie: No, it isn't.
 * Tony: It isn't?
 * Louie: No! This is 'Louieland'. You want America, go outside!


 * [Louie has an argument with his girlfriend.]
 * Zena Sherman: You got an attitude problem, you got a personality problem, you got a sensitivity problem, you got an emotional problem, you got a maturity problem, you got a sexual problem...
 * Louie: What do you mean?
 * Zena: That's all you think about!
 * Louie: And that's the problem?
 * Zena: Yeah.
 * Louie: Whew!


 * Louie: Jim, your father is no longer with us.
 * Jim: He never was. He lives in Boston.
 * Louie: No, I mean, he's gone on to his final resting place.
 * Jim: A condo in Palm Beach?


 * Louie: Ignatowski! Where have you been all week?
 * Jim: I don't work weekends.
 * Louie: You been gone nine days!
 * Jim: Yeah...
 * Tony: Jim, weekends are only two days.
 * Jim: Oh, I thought we'd switched to the metric system.


 * Jim: Yeah, I did some drugs, though probably not as many as you think. How many drugs do you think I did?
 * Elaine: A lot.
 * Jim: Wow! Right on the nose!


 * Tony: You mean, they didn't tell you they were going to tear down your apartment building?
 * Jim: Well, you put up with a few minor inconveniences when you live in a condemned building.


 * Jim: I went to Woodstock.
 * Bobby: Oh yeah? You went to Woodstock?
 * Jim: Yep, half a million people gathered together in peace and harmony, grooving to Joni and The Who. Hey, you know, if I hadn't gone, there would have only been 499,999 people. Lucky for them I went.


 * Joni Mitchell actually canceled her appearance at Woodstock; she later stated it was one of the biggest regrets of her life.


 * Alex: Jim, when I said you were a flake, I meant you'd done some weird things.
 * Jim: Name one.
 * Alex: You lived in a condemned building for five years.
 * Jim: You're confusing flakiness with style!
 * Alex: You kept a horse named Gary in your bedroom.
 * Jim [condescendingly]: Not everyone has a guest room, Alex.


 * [In a flashback, Latka explains to his mother why he wants to emigrate to America]
 * Latka: In America, a man can become another O.J. Simpson!
 * Greta Gravas: Who is O.J. Simpson?
 * Latka: The JUICE!


 * [The cabbies hire a hooker to marry Latka so he won't be deported.]
 * Vivian Harrow: Honey, I've been everything from Little Bo Peep to Darth Vader.


 * [Latka's prostitute "wife" leaves after the wedding ceremony.]
 * Latka: No honeymoon?
 * Alex: No, Latka.
 * Latka: Boy, America's a tough town!


 * [Louie reveals his mother needs an operation.]
 * Elaine: What's wrong with her?
 * Louie: Female problems - she's starting not to look like one.


 * Elaine: Jim, what are you doing here? Where did this model castle come from?
 * Jim: It's yours, I made it for you. See Elaine, your fairy tale can come true. Look here's your castle, and your prince awaits. Elaine, I know I'm not the most glamorous guy in the world but....
 * Elaine: You are truly a sweet decent man.
 * Jim: Once there was a time when that was enough.


 * Louie: Mr. Rieger isn't here right now. Would you like to wait in my office?
 * Charlotte Reiger: I'd rather be the only woman on a Greek freighter!


 * [While Tony is away, Bobby's neglect causes the deaths of his beloved goldfish.]
 * Alex: They're dead, Bobby. They're dead.
 * Bobby: Well, I guess it was just their time, huh?
 * Alex: Together?? At the same time?
 * Bobby: I don't know! Maybe it was one of those murder/suicide things.


 * [At work, Tony stops speaking to Bobby after the death of his goldfish.]
 * Bobby: Hey Tony, how much did you book?
 * [Tony ignores him.]
 * Louie: He booked $90, fish-killer.


 * [A woman cabbie and Latka are in a stalled cab during a blizzard. Latka takes off most of his clothes and gives them to her to keep her warm.]
 * Cindy Bates: It's very simple, Latka. Either you have sex with me, or you freeze to death.
 * Latka [contemplating]: Sex...death. Sex...death. Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?


 * [Due to a misunderstanding, Elaine is dating a man who is actually attracted to Tony. Alex advises Tony to tell him he has to be truthful with Elaine.]
 * Alex: I don't understand, why can't you do it?
 * Tony: I can't be alone with him! I'm the one he spends tortured nights dreaming about!
 * Alex: He said that?
 * Tony [shrugging]: No, I'm just assuming.


 * Elaine [to Louie, who has entered the garage in an extremely upbeat mood]: Well, what are you so happy about?
 * Louie [happily]: Well, if you really wanna know...I had a big fight with my mother last night, and I really let her have it. She didn't know what hit her!
 * Alex: Well, congratulations, Louie -- you did a job on your mother. [In an announcer-type voice] Now, it's Miller time.


 * [Louie is uncomfortable with the idea of a Japanese man dating his mother.]
 * Louie: Have you ever known another woman?
 * Itsumi Fujimoto: Of course! I am eighty-three years old. Who hasn't known another woman at my age?
 * Louie: All right, don't bite my head off. [Stands up and calls across the restaurant] Ma, you can't marry this old geezer -- he's pillowed half the Orient!


 * [Tony seeks advice on how to break up with his possessive girlfriend.]
 * Tony: Alex, did you ever have to break up with a woman? What am I saying -- you was married. Do you remember what you said to your wife to break up with her?
 * Alex: Yes, I remember what I said -- I said, "Why is that man wearing my pajamas?"


 * [Elaine receives a $100 tip from Mike Belden, played by Tom Selleck, after turning down his offer to spend the night together after an hours-long cab ride.]
 * Elaine: What would you have given me if I'd stayed the night?
 * Mike: Fond memories.
 * Louie [eavesdropping on the cab's radio]: You're better off with the hundred bucks.


 * [Tony is meeting with the Brennans, a wealthy couple with whom he is competing for custody of a disabled child, and brings Alex with him for moral support.]
 * Mrs. Brennan: So, Mr. Banta, what do you do for a living?
 * Tony: I'm a cab driver right now. But what I really want to do is become a prizefighter.
 * Mr. Brennan: And what about your friend, Mr. Reiger?
 * Tony: Alex is a cab driver too.
 * Mr. Brennan: Really? And what is it you really want to do?
 * Alex: Quit.


 * Alex [to Latka's mother]: Is this your first visit to New York?
 * Greta Gravas: Yes! Want to see everything -- garbage strike, blackout... urban blight!
 * Alex: I'll find out when the next tour is.