Talk:The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police

I am moving ALL the quotes here, so that others can join me in looking for notable/quotable ones
This article needs cleanup. None of these quotes are verifiably sourced, so in theory every one should be removed. I am going to try finding quotes from this on other websites, so that at least we have circumstantial evidence that quote should be included, provided it is reasonably quotable. See also WQ:Quotability, "Dialogue only ought be included when the interchange is quotable, terse, and/or pithy on its own (as well as understandable)." Update, another big problem here is copyvio. Much if not all contents seems to be copy-pasted from Quoternity. HouseOfChange (talk) 16:58, 4 February 2024 (UTC)

"The Thing That Wouldn't Stop It" (1997)
Max: It looks like an incredibly virulent form of the plague. Sam: But tastes like butter.
 * Sam: Gee, I hope this wasn't anything important.

Max: I can't believe I said chill.
 * Sam: I can't believe I shot at an innocent vegetable.

Max: And me without my lip balm. Sam: And you without lips. But, enough of this.
 * Sam: Well here we are in the hostile parallel ice dimension contained inside the Geek's freezer.


 * Little Yellow Creatures: [singing] In the morning, in the evening, ain't we got fun.

Max (getting excited): Ooh, pick me! Ooh, pick me! Ooh! Sam: Sorry, Max. You just don't have the sheer girth to volunteer for such a hazardous mission. (points at himself) This one's on me. (ties a napkin around her neck, and then produces a giant knife and fork when Sam, Max, and the repair men all salute at her; she enters the room where the Thing is sobbing with her giant knife and fork)
 * Hudson: What are ya, a crazy man? What kind of sick lunatic would volunteer to do that?

Sam: [to Max] You always have an effect on the ladies.
 * Max: It's a nondescript supermodel! (leaps into her arms) Quick, Sam! Take a picture!

Sam: Oh, I wouldn't say that! Some fresh paint, a few plants here and there, and a construction crew working around the clock, and it'll be as good as new!
 * The Geek: You guys! Look what you just did! The lab is ruined!

Max: Here. Let me.
 * Sam: I don't know anyone who could fire-bomb a bunch of cute little kittens!

Repair Men: Eewwwww!!!!
 * Max: It wont be long now ... Sam skipped lunch.

Other Repair Men, Sam, The Geek, and Max: HUDSON!!!
 * Hudson: We're doomed, man! DOOOOOMED!!!!!!


 * Sam: I'm just tossing darts in the dark here, but I'd say this whole transdimensional mess is the combined result of you storing toxic oozes in leaky zippy lock bags in a freezer that's as neglected as Quasimodo at a Sadie Hawkins dance.

The Thing: Thank you. Sam: No, thank you. Well, here goes. (turns on a TV, and eats the Thing up, as he watches the TV)
 * Sam: Hello there. Don't be afraid. I'll be your eater for this evening.

Max: How was he? At ... the end, I mean? Sam: He was ... happy. And except for a little freezer burn, surprisingly tasty.
 * Sam: It's over. He's gone on to a better place. (pats his huge, swollen belly with both of him hands, and then takes a deep cleansing breath of air slowly and deeply, and sighs deeply)

"The Second Show Ever" (1997)
Max: And that big cranky alien cranium heading straight for us.
 * Sam: You have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Max: Some of our closest friends claim to be human.
 * Sam: Look Lactose, we'd rather you didn't eradicate the whole human race.

Max: Maybe he'd thumb wrestle you for it.
 * Sam: Gee, we're not doing such a good job at saving humanity.

"Max's Big Day" (1997)
Chimp (exposing his rear): Ever seen a chimp's rear end? It's not pretty. Max: Enough. Please! No! Show me no more! I can't take it. I... I... I... Hey, I can see my face in it.
 * Max: Why would anybody want to wear a suit?

Max: Is it my fault the restroom and cockpit doors are virtually identical?
 * Sam: Well here we are, woefully lacking chutes and falling at one billion feet per second.


 * Sam: I'm fine, knucklehead! Much like the weasel utilizes its collapsable skull to fit through near impossible spaces, I have called upon a like ability to collapse all my bones and bulky organs in order to dupe these uncultured puppies into thinking they've rolled and pressed me into this unsettling garment, ha ha ha!  Neat, huh?

Max: I am too the Chosen one! I can prove it! (does various armpit noises with his arms)
 * Guinea Pig Chieftain: Pardon my insolence, but no true Chosen One would turn down a gift from his people, especially one as nice as the hollowed out carcass of a close personal friend! It is a great insult, one punishable by death!


 * Max: I never knew we can have this much fun and still be suitable for younger viewers!

"Bad Day On The Moon" (1997)
Max: Are you talking dirty?
 * Sam: It was the stern guiding voice of the Commissioner with just the right kind of hair-raising case we can wrap our overactive adrenal glands around.

Max: But I don't... Sam: Oh yeah... Me neither.
 * Sam: Did you make sure to sew ID tags on all your underwear?

Sam: Did you bring a spare? Max: I'm embarrassed by my lack of preparation. (Hanging his head) I'm a fool.
 * Max: Hey, what happens when my paper bag runs out?

Max: And somehow appropriate. Shall we slap the sleeper on 'em and make them cry uncle? Sam: Can't think of a reason not to.
 * Sam: Giant rat guys! Weird.  Interesting.

Max: Mister, you can put your hands down now...Hey, mister, you can put your hands down now...Mister, you can put your hands down now. Shopkeeper: (hands still up) Well, I've got to get back to the store, but if there's anything else- Max: PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN, FOR GOD'S SAKES! PUT 'EM DOWN NOOOOOOOW! (force of Max's scream sends shopkeeper flying into a fountain)
 * (over time, to rat shopkeeper)

Max: Hehe, isn't it cute how they gather into social groups.
 * Sam: It's a world of roach-like leviathans lumbering through a gargantuan city-scape.

Max: I never dreamed I'd live long enough for you to say 'Earth-parallel development' and mean it Sam.
 * Sam: A Moon-roach coffee shop. It's uncanny. Like some Earth-parallel development.


 * Sam: Ow. It feels like the convolutions of my brain are being analysed... I hate that.

Max: Not bad. Although I'm cranky and listless, I'm retaining water, and I keep spitting up sawdust.
 * Sam: And it sure is nice to have you back in your plushy little carcass again Max. How do you feel buddy?

Max: I don't like the look on his face. It's cold. Calculated. Almost inhuman!
 * Sam: It's a plain old itty bitty Earth-roach and he's packing heat.


 * Sam: These bugs are worse than a three-headed monkey!

/>Max: BLAM! And then he was mucilage! Did you say something, Sam?
 * Sam: Sometime we should sit down and have a spiritual discussion about the sanctity of life, Max.<br

"Dysfunction Of The Gods" (1997)
Max (wearing shoes and a shirt): At least pants are optional.
 * Sam (reading a sign): "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Souvlaki". Ahaha, that's funny.

Max (in a high-pitched, helium-induced voice): We are Sam and Max, champions of justice, tormentors of Roman-featured bearded guys in loose-fitting jammies! Max: It's Vegas! Who's gonna notice?
 * Zeus: Who dares trespass in the palace of Zeus, son of Cronus, slayer of Uranus?!
 * Sam: That's Pandora's Box little pal! You've just unwittingly liberated all the ills and horrors of society!

Sam: That feels sort of right somehow.
 * Max: Now it's raining bison on Buffalo.

Harpy (audience member): As a harpy, I feel devalued by your derogatory usage of the term!
 * Zeus: You see, it's not my fault my wife's a shrill harpy.


 * Max (to Eros sitting in the audience armed with a rubber-bow): Perpetrator is armed and dangerous. DROP IT CUPID! DROP THE WEAPON!

Max: And I'm a less inviting target for roosting pigeons!
 * Sam: Holy Hannah hold the phone. I'm young again!


 * Max: (after Zeus and Hera decide to renew their wedding vows) and as a special treat we've arraged for you to be renew your wedding vows in beautiful intoxicating LAAAAAAS VEGAS!!!!

"They Came From Down There" (1997)
Max: Our cantankerous man servant?
 * Sam (hanging up the phone): That was you know who, Max.


 * The Geek : Well, you could take the Vespa... Max : Not in this lifetime. Sam : I feel all crawly. The Geek (Dejected): Or you could take the boat. But you have to promise to be careful this...time? Sam and Max (already in boat and roaring off): Thanks, Geek!


 * (in a sewer) Max: "Look, Sam, baby alligators!" Sam: "Well they're buoyant and log-shaped, but they're hardly alligators." Max: "I don't feel so good."

Max (getting excited): Cannibalism! I vote cannibalism!
 * Sam: Curious... What could account for such a bizarre fluctuation in the populace? War? Famine? Rampant cannibalism?

Sam: Quick, press down on the medulla oblongata! Five bucks says he smells burnt toast!
 * Max: (top of his head has just been twisted off) Amazing! I had no idea my skull was threaded for easy access!

"Big Trouble At The Earth's Core" (1997)
Max: It's either some kind of spreadable meat byproduct or nesting hamsters. Sam: It is fur-bearing, and that's what throws ya.
 * Sam: Here's what we've got to go on. It's an unidentifiable life form, offensive in both appearance and smell, and it's been in the back of the fridge since we moved in.

Sam: There's drama and mirth in old mother Earth. Max: And all of her secretions you see.
 * Max: Woahee, the world truly is a carousel of color.

Max: When there are five or more, the correct term is a clot.
 * Sam: Looky there Max, it's a horde of murderous inner-dwellers.

Max: NO! BUT LET ME GUESS!!!!
 * Sam: DO YOU REALISE WHAT THIS MEANS!?!?

Max: Just minty toothpicks.
 * Sam: You wouldn't have anything tucked away for putting smoky holes in things would ya?


 * Max: Actually, I'm deathly afraid of seeing them kiss. Ew, they're at it! LET'S GO! LET'S GO!!


 * Sam (sniffing elevator): What's that smell? Oh Max.

"A Glitch In Time" (1997)
Max: I like 'em deep fried with lemon.
 * Sam: It's time we taught this ornery critter it's proper place in the food chain Max.


 * Max: For Pete's sake, I spit my bad breath at thee!


 * Max: We return victorious! Proud with the scars of battle! Haha. It looks like I'm wearing polka dot jammies.

Max: And explains all those sticky nightmares I have about possessed vermin headwear.
 * Sam: This sure stirs up a few long suppressed memories.


 * Sam: Then one day, something happened. I ate a bad head-cheese sandwich and wandered off in an hallucinogenic daze. I came-to 15 years later in a remote Tibetan monastery. I had attained higher consciousness, but still, I always felt there was something missing... Besides shorts.


 * Max: A rogue octopus? It's déjà vu all over again. Let's roll!

"That Darn Gator" (1997)

 * Sam: We were doing a little light housekeeping down in the Sub-basement of Solitude, when after a mishap or two with the work-vac, Max accidentally sucked something up out of the porcelain hobby horse.


 * Max: I'll name him John, since that's where we found him.

Sam walks in and spins Max around, changing his diaper in a flurry. Sam: Boy, I don't know what we'd do without these things. Max: Me neither. I barely have time to think, let alone tend to my own needs.
 * Max: Sam, can you give me a hand in here. It's time for another diaper change.

Max: Are you sensing my desire to turn you into a quiet little handbag!
 * Sam: What's the matter little fellow? Are you bored? Are you sleepy?

Sam pours a little of the drink onto Max's outstretched arm. Max: Hmm, there is a slight burning sensation. Sam: That's just the venom.
 * Sam: Maybe it's too hot.

Max: Like the first three layers of skin.
 * Sam: That's it Max. That's the answer. He'll only eat things off your finger.

Sam: Not quite, there's still some bean-dip. Max: I mean the sensation in my arm.
 * Max: Well that's the last of it.


 * Max: Over the next few months John and I cavorted and frolicked and gamboled as only an alligator and his surrogate mother, who also happens to be a biped rabbity thing, could.

Max: And we loved him so.
 * Sam: What was once a cute cartoony-lizard-baby wriggling around on the rug, was now a full grown, ten foot, foul-tempered, primeval killing machine.

Max (in reflection): All eyes turned to John, but of course she had no proof.
 * Geek: My hamsters are missing.

Geek: What are you doing? Sam: Returning John to the life he once knew Max: To the wild of the sewers system suit Geek: Alligators don't come from sewers, they come from Florida Sam & Max: Florida!
 * Sam, attempting to stuff their pet alligator "John" down the toilet.

"We Drop At Dawn" (1997)
Warning Light: BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. Sam & Max: (Clamoring to get the folder) MINE! MINE! GIMME GIMME!
 * Sam: And when that light blinked, we would act. We would act like soldiers. With honor, with dignity, with-

Sam: Haha. You kill me little buddy. Max: Only if we're taken alive, Sam.
 * Max: What? No concealable weaponry, road flares or black capsules? What if we get captured?

Max (getting up): Think nothing of it, Sam. Luckily I was still numb from having that mossy obelisk break my fall... and my hip... and four of my ribs.
 * Sam: Oops, sorry there, little buddy. Didn't see you down there.

Max: (fighting with a creature made of old condiments) Too bad the same can't be said for the sauerkraut!
 * Sam: (taking a bite of a hot dog from a moss-covered food cart): Amazing! The rampant overuse of preservatives have kept these franks farm fresh!

Max: It's a phone booth Sam. And look there, a fire hydrant, and a park bench. WE'RE SURROUNDED!
 * Sam: Sister Mary Frances in low heels walking away!

Max: (aloud) NO PRISONEEEEEERRRRRRRSSSSSS!
 * Max: (voiceover) While Jim circled around, I went in to flush the beggar out.

Chief: Assassins! Max: Well, if you insist...
 * Max: We're Sam & Max, freelance...


 * Max: We're not dead yet, stupid squirrel! *Sam, Max and a large frog with a sombrero that tried to eat them appear with musical instruments and played celebratory mariachi music*


 * Max: HONOR BAR??! *runs up flight of stairs with Commissioner's keys with Sam* Sam: Break out those keys little buddy, after all that excitement, I could really go for a 14-dollar bottle of cashews! Max: And I just gotta go!

"Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" (1998)
Max: After all, it is his daughter's wedding.
 * Max: Nice wedding so far.Sam: I think the Commissioner would support our decision to employ rubber ammo and tear gas at this point. He wouldn't want this to get out of hand.

Max: They're pretty strict about the speed limit around here.Sam: Beautiful country though isn't it.
 * Tobogganing down a mountain whilst being shot at by evil minions.

Max: That old parlour trick. We can top that. Max pulls off a mask to reveal he is Sam'. Sam pulls off a mask to reveal he is The Geek. The Geek pulls off a mask to reveal she is Max. Max pulls off the Sam mask to reveal he is The Geek. Sam pulls off the The Geek mask to reveal he is Max. The Geek pulls off the Max mask to reveal she is Sam. Max pulls off the The Geek mask to reveal he is Monkeyfeatures. Sam pulls off the Max mask to reveal he is Larvo. The Geek pulls off the Sam mask to reveal she is also Larvo. Max pulls off the Monkeyfeatures mask to reveal he is also Larvo, as well. Sam pulls off the Larvo mask to reveal he is Sonny. The Geek pulls off the Larvo mask to reveal she is Cher. Larvo: ENOUGH!
 * Monkeyfeatures pulls off a mask to reveal he is really Larvo in disguise.

/>Larvo: I don't expect you to sit through anything, Sam and Max. I expect you to fry!(This is a reference to Goldfinger)
 * Sam: [to Max] Does she really expect us to sit through this?<br

"The Tell Tale Tail" (1998)
Sam: You know that never works, Max. Max: Yes, but it's such a wonderful prelude to the impending mayhem.
 * Max: STOP, THIEF!

Sam: Then our work is done here, Max.
 * Max: I think those poor folks are forever scarred, Sam.


 * John Keats: You're so scary, Mary Shelley, I've got shivers in my belly. (looks around) It's just a first draft.


 * Mary Shelley: Don't be ridiculous, it's right there on your little bum-bum. Max: Don't toy with me, sister! Sam: Huh, she said bum. Keats: But it's right there! That miserable tuft of hair! Max: It came back! Come here! (Starts chasing it, babbling incoherently.)

"The Trouble With Gary" (1998)
Sam: He said in so many four letter words it promises to be our most bizarre, unsettling and gut wrenching assignment to date.
 * Max: Tell me what the Commissioner said again Sam, go on tell me, tell me what he said.

Max: How about "enclave"? Sam: Hey, good point.
 * Sam: We're heading for the Rhombus Enclave, Max. A super-secret military enclave who's existence the Government completely denies. Most likely 'cause they feel stupid saying "Rhombus".


 * Max: Look Sam, scientists running in packs. I had no idea nerds were herding animals.

Max: Sure. Except my word is unctuous so you won't get to use it very often.
 * Female Scientist: You must never speak of it outside these walls. Can we have your word?

Max: Immense arsenal, that's funny. Sam: What? (scene shifts to show Sam with a giant bazooka in his pants)Does my arsenal look big in these pants?
 * Female Scientist: We believe that if harnessed this force of nature could become a valuable weapon in our government's immense military arsenal.

Max: Hey Gary, turn me into a painted turtle, I want to be a painted turtle.
 * Male Scientist: Gary has the power to physically alter his surroundings with his mind.


 * Max (talking about a bear): Ah, poor little paranormal critter. If it didn't slash us to bits I was going to name it Tippy.


 * Max (getting his head squeezed): Sam! The pressure! It's... it's... Sam (The same): It's messing up... my hat size!

Turns Sam into a stuffed cow. Max: Ah! How could you! I asked if I could be a painted turtle and I was completely ignored!! Gary zaps him, turning Max into a painted turtle. Max (in a squeaky voice): Thank you!
 * Gary: You've made me very angry. This is what I think you are!


 * (after Gary has changed the assistant into a butt head) Max: I stand corrected! I'm the president of his fan club! He just turned that guy into a... Sam: Don't say it... (Sam places a pair of boxers on top of the assistant's head Sam: There are inpressionable young kids watching this show. Max: Something that rhymes with 'Rutt head'.

"The Invaders" (1998)
Max: All that physical exertion has caused me to work up a froth. I'm gonna go catch a vertical squirt bath... That's tech talk for shower.
 * Sam: Looks like we'll have to amend the report to include a close encounter with some ornery stumpies. That's tech talk for height deficient ET's.

Max: Maybe its a willowy goddess with a stalker-like infatuation for freelance lawmen.
 * Sam: Looks like we have a secret admirer.


 * Max: Foolish aliens! Your puny weapons are no match for our superior attitude!


 * Sam (looking at the invaders): They're like a pair of shiny industrious doorknobs.


 * Max: Next time, longer fuse.

Sam It's like falling asleep in a tanning booth.
 * Max: The pain is almost euphoric, Sam.


 * Sam (about to shut a window on one of the invaders): I think I'll just close this window for no good reason.


 * Max: (to O Sole Mio) Oh foolish spaceguys, we kicked your butts! To mess with Earthmen, you must be nuuuuuuts!

Max: I love it when you say I kid you not, Max. I mean Sam.
 * Sam: I kid you not, Max.


 * Max: The simulated 3D carnage makes me tingle like a prom queen.

Max: Me too. We'll need their keisters parked at the tube in time for our next episode. Sam: Aww, you old softy.
 * Sam: I just hope the kids at home weren't emotionally scarred from witnessing what appeared to be our horrifyingly graphic demise.

"Sam & Max Vs. The Uglions" (1998)
Max: Colonel Corn. Sam: I'm sure he'll be all ears.
 * Geek: Quick we gotta locate Colonel Corn the base commander. Split up.

Geek: Sam and Max, Freelance Police, right? Max: No. Zits. Pay attention.
 * Max: Defeated after all man's devices and defences had failed. By the humblest things that God in his wisdom has put upon this earth.

"Little Bigfoot" (1998)
Sam: If I didn't see it with my own eyes I never would have believed it. Who'd have guessed one whimpy bolt was holding up five tonnes of colourful roadside Americana. Max: I was right. You owe me one dino-boogey-snowglobe full of primordial dandruff. Sam: A deal's a deal. Smile for the birdie.
 * Sam and Max scream.

Max: Thanks Sam, I couldn't help myself. There was more. There's always a tiny speck more!
 * Sam pinches Max's straw.

Max: He doesn't smell so bad. Sort of like a wet puppy. Sam: Sorry, that's me. These hip-waders haven't drained from our last trip.
 * Max sniffs Little Bigfoot.

Max: I'm a little disappointed we don't actually get to eat this way.
 * Sam: I'm a little insulted he didn't pick us out of this gaggle.

Max: There's a truck coming. Their car careens off a cliff. Max: Lot of cliffs around here.
 * Sam and Little Bigfoot start screaming.


 * Max: Pull over, you large boned citizen. Cooperate and you'll be slapped around without incident.

Sam: Ah, they're bigfoots, Max. Max: My gosh, you're right. It's obvious from their glaring lack of unicycles.
 * Max: Now I get it. It's a band of super intelligent circus apes quietly undermining our Utopian society. Freeze circus apes!


 * Sam: They're rejecting him. Maybe he smells too human. Max, come here a minute, and bring your armpit.

"Aaiiieee Robot" (1998)

 * Max: Extreme freelance police... sounds like a committee generated notion for next season! Sam: Quiet, Max, they'll hear ya!


 * Sam: I may be shooting off my dog-lips here, Max, but I've got a nagging notion that Totzilla's economy-sized hissy-fit is the result of parental neglect and a premature transition to solid foods!

HouseOfChange (talk) 16:42, 4 February 2024 (UTC)
 * Sam: Shedding a sentimental tear for a deed well done? Max: (sobbing) That and the fact that we just blew off our ride back home...