Ted 2

Ted 2 is a 2015 American comedy film and the sequel to Ted.

In this film, Ted is declared property by the state and struggles to get his rights as a human.


 * ''Directed by Seth MacFarlane. Written by Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, and Wellesley Wild.

Thunder Buddies For Life.

Ted

 * Sittin' out here in a public, jerkin' off? Where do you think you are, Red Lobster?

Dialogue

 * Frank: You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.
 * Ted: I banged her with a pack of Freedent Gum. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.
 * Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.


 * Customer: Hey.
 * Ted: Hello.
 * Customer: I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
 * Ted: Uh, yeah. Yeah. A box of Trix?
 * Customer: Yes, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
 * Ted: Well, I mean they say, uh, "Trix are for kids," in the commercials, so-
 * Customer: Uh-huh, uh-huh. And is that enforced by law?
 * Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
 * Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
 * Ted: No, no, you-you should be fine.
 * Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
 * Ted: Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
 * Customer: Okay, I'm gonna bring these back to my apartment.
 * Ted: Uh, yeah, you'll be okay.
 * Customer: And, uh, I won't be followed?
 * Ted: Uh, no, that's not in our budget here.
 * Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
 * Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.


 * Ted: Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?
 * John: Yeah, go ahead.
 * Ted: Okay, thanks. [slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock] WHAT THE FUCK?!
 * John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?!
 * Ted: [views John's laptop] There's so much porn!
 * John: Well, what the hell are you doin' lookin' at my private shit?!
 * Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
 * John: Well, I've been meanin' to clear some of that out!
 * Ted: Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"?
 * John: Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein' the tongue go the other way!
 * Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"?!
 * John: [breaks down] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?! I need help!
 * Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
 * John: Well, this is such a relief! You know, I'm so glad I'm finally caught! I wanted to be caught!
 * Ted: Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? You gotta get back out there, and meet somebody, because you are spiraling outta control here.
 * John: All right, all right. I will. Fine. Just stop lookin' at that shit, please!
 * Ted: Johnny, I mean it, all right? The next chick you meet, you are gettin' back in the game. [closes John's laptop]
 * John: Fine. I got it. Done.
 * Ted: All right. Now let's get rid of this.
 * John: What, what do you mean? We'll just delete the files.
 * Ted: No, no, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.
 * [they smash John's laptop outside with a hammer and a crowbar]
 * John: All right, there, you happy?
 * Ted: No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor.
 * [he and John bury the pieces of the laptop, contained within a plastic bag, in the harbor]
 * Ted: Okay. We'll come back once every three months, take a dive, and check on it.


 * [a library full of sperm samples falls over John, spilling everything]
 * John: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Oh, my God! It's in my eyes! I'm blinkin' it in! [to Ted] You gotta fuckin' help me! Oh, my God! It's in my fuckin' mouth!
 * Ted: Wait, hang on. I gotta post this on Facebook.
 * John: NO!!!
 * [Ted snaps a photograph of him]
 * Ted: [types on his phone] #GrrrMondays.
 * [a nurse walks in]
 * Nurse: Oh, my God!
 * John: Look, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
 * Ted: We swear to God, it was an accident! We're so sorry!
 * Nurse: Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
 * Ted: Oh, ya hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
 * John: Fuck!


 * [after Ted is fired from the grocery store, realized he is not a person]
 * Ted: [reading notes from mail] "Dear Ted, your Chase Bank account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship." "Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked." "Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Gino's rewards member." Fuck, that's a big one.
 * Tami-Lynn: [sad; looking at baby's shoes] This poor baby booty. It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here.
 * Ted: I don't understand. We would have made such great parents.
 * Tami-Lynn: [discovers a note] Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Teddy!
 * Ted: [takes his reading glasses off] What? What's wrong?
 * Tami-Lynn: Look at this. [reads it] "Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight regarding your legal status, your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state, and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled." Teddy, can they do this to us?
 * Ted: [snatches the note] Let me see that. [reads it, and feels shocked at it] This is a nightmare.


 * Ted: What's your middle name?
 * Samantha: Leslie.
 * Ted: Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!
 * John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam(uel) L. Jackson.
 * Samantha: Who is that?
 * Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.


 * [Ted and John smoke from a bong with Samantha]
 * John: That weed's really good. Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called, "Here Comes Autism."
 * Ted: Yeah, I was just going to say, it's sort of like this other batch we had called, "How Long Has That Van Been There?"
 * Samantha: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called, "Help Me Get Home."


 * John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy--
 * Ted: Clubber Lang.
 * John: FUCKING--


 * Samantha: Can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
 * John: Judy Blume?
 * Ted: Hitler?
 * Samantha: F. Scott Fitzgerald.
 * John: Who's that?
 * Samantha: The author.
 * John: Well, why are you saying fuck him?
 * Samantha: What?
 * Ted: You just said F. Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
 * John: Yeah.
 * Samantha: No, that's his first name.
 * Ted: [confused] His name's "Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"?
 * Samantha: What? No!
 * John: Well, what does the "F" stand for?
 * Samantha: Francis. (Therefore, his full name is Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald.)
 * Ted: No, it's got to be "Fuck".
 * John: It must be "Fuck".
 * Ted: It's got to be "Fuck".
 * John: It has to be "Fuck".
 * Samantha: Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?
 * John: Well, 'cause otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
 * Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's "Fuck". It's "Fuck," it's "Fuck."
 * Samantha: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
 * Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang. Get used to it.


 * Samantha: Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?
 * Ted: Yup, bring it on.
 * Samantha: You're on the stand, the D.A. says "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?"
 * Ted: Objection!
 * John: Sustained!
 * Samantha: No, the witness can't object.
 * John: Overruled.
 * Ted: Sidebar.
 * John: Guilty!
 * Ted: Speculation.
 * John: Hearsay!
 * Ted: Bailiff.
 * John: Briefcase.
 * Ted: Disregard.
 * John: In my chambers.
 * Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
 * John: I rest.
 * Ted: We could totally be lawyers.
 * John: Bang.


 * Ted: I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.
 * John: What?
 * Ted: I mean saying his name three times so he appears.
 * John: Are you fucking crazy, we don't want that guy running around here!
 * Ted: No, it's be fine, he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
 * John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand, all right?! Cut the shit!


 * Samantha: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
 * Ted: No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.


 * Samantha: All right, I got Dred Scott vs. Sandford, Plessy vs. Ferguson, and Brown vs. The Board of Education.
 * John: I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs. Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason.
 * Ted: I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail, and The Importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing.


 * Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
 * John: FUCK!


 * Ted: So that's it. I'm property. No rights, no nothing.
 * John: Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man. This completely sucks.
 * Samantha: I feel terrible. I let you guys down all over again.
 * John: Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam. You did your best. And look, regardless of all this shit, you're still the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. [he and Sam kiss]
 * Ted: [angrily and sarcastically] Oh... Oh, that's great. That's fucking great. I'm glad you guys are so happy!
 * John: What?
 * Ted: What do you mean, "What?" I'm totally screwed here, and you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer, and she's probably still fucking billing us!
 * John: Don't yell at us, dude. We didn't do anything.
 * Ted: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other... Sam could've won this thing, and I wouldn't be a fucking thing, like garbage or a piece of shit.
 * John: Hey. We've been fighting right alongside you the whole way. And remember, you're the one who's been pushing me to get back on the horse. I finally meet someone, and you're giving me shit for it?
 * Ted: Oh, no. You're right. No, Johnny, it's fine. You're right, it's fine. It's totally fine. I got no job, no marriage and no life! But you have fun porking Gollum here while I'm left with shit.
 * John: Ted!
 * Samantha: Who's Gollum?
 * John: She's a model. Ted, come back.
 * Ted: Leave me alone!


 * Donny: You know... I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the (Boston) Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along. [starts singing] ♪ Hands, touching hands, reaching out. Touching me, touching you. Sweet Caroline. ♪
 * Ted: [suddenly sings out due to temptation] ♪ Bah bah bah! ♪ FUCK! [Donny jumps to grab Ted and starts punching him] Crazy son-of-a-bitch!
 * Vendor: Hey! What are you doin' to that bear?
 * Donny: I'm sorry, I, uh--
 * Vendor: You better be planning on buying that.
 * Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
 * Vendor: Yeah, that's great. $40.
 * Donny: Okay. [Donny grabs cash] $40, here. [Vendor takes cash]


 * [last lines]
 * Ted: [offscreen, disgusted] Oh! Fuck me!
 * Tami-Lynn: What's the matter?
 * Ted: That can't be normal! He's gotta be sick!
 * Tami-Lynn: He's not sick; it's just baby doodie.
 * John: Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy.
 * Ted: Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?
 * John: No.
 * Ted: All right, here, catch. [throws diaper at John, offscreen, and a squish is heard]
 * John: [disgusted] OH, TEDDY! WHAT THE FUCK?! [everyone screams in disgust; Ted laughs] HOLY SHIT! OH, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
 * Ted: [takes photo of John, offscreen] [typing] Hashtag, #shithappens.

Cast

 * Seth MacFarlane - Ted
 * Mark Wahlberg - John Bennett
 * Amanda Seyfried - Samantha Jackson
 * Jessica Barth - Tami-Lynn
 * Giovanni Ribisi - Donny
 * Patrick Stewart - Narrator
 * Morgan Freeman - Patrick Meighan
 * John Slattery - Shep Wild
 * Patrick Warburton - Guy
 * Michael Dorn - Rick
 * Bill Smitrovich - Frank
 * Cocoa Brown - Joy
 * John Carroll Lynch - Tom Jessup
 * Ron Canada - Judge Matheson
 * Jessica Szohr - Allison
 * Tara Strong - Ted's "I Love You" function
 * Sam J. Jones - himself
 * Sebastian Arcelus - Dr. Danzer
 * Tom Brady - himself
 * Dennis Haysbert - Fertility doctor
 * Taran Killam - himself
 * Jimmy Kimmel - himself
 * Jay Leno - himself
 * Kate McKinnon - herself
 * Bobby Moynihan - himself
 * Liam Neeson - Customer
 * Lenny Clarke - Cop
 * Curtis Stigers - Wedding singer
 * Nana Visitor - Adoption agent
 * Ralph Garman - Stormtrooper
 * Jimmy Fallon - Himself