Thank God You're Here (British TV series)

Thank God You're Here is an improvisation show, originally an Australian show, where each week, 4 comedians/tv personalities have to bluff their way through a scene

Episode 1

 * Woman: May I Present our special guest, one of the most celebrated mediums in the country, Madame...
 * Fern Britton: Oh, er.. yes. Madame... Gordon
 * Woman: Madame Gordon. Also known as Madame Olga
 * Fern Britton: Yes. Olga Gordon


 * Fern Britton: Don't be scared. When she says I'm a world famous Medium, I'm more of a sort of Medium-Rare


 * Woman: How long have you been a medium?
 * Fern Britton: I've been a medium... for about two months


 * Woman: Now I know, Madame Olga, you will have your own special incantation
 * Fern Britton: Yes
 * Woman: To banish negative spirits
 * Fern Britton: I do. [She bangs tambourine] Piss Off!

Episode 2

 * Man 1: I see you've got another medal since we last met.
 * Clive Anderson: Yes
 * Man 1: This one is for valour, this one is for long service. Er..What's this one for?
 * Clive Anderson: This one's for honesty... I stole it.


 * Clive: We are still able to bomb Germany, which is a strange thing to do in 1988.


 * Man 1: So what are we looking at here?
 * Clive: What we are looking at here, and remember this is confidental information, is a map. This is our country (points to Britain), this is the enemy (points to Germany) and this lot we are not too sure about (points to France)


 * Man 1: We are going to hit the town of Chrysindorf, or in English it's known as...?
 * Clive: er... Berlin
 * Man 2: I need to ask you. Why are we going to the Chrysindorf part of Berlin? Don't they make cheese, sir?  Why bomb a cheese factory?
 * Clive: Listen, when I say we bomb a cheese factory, we bomb a cheese factory.
 * Man 1: Okay, chaps
 * Clive: It's fascism we're fighting, you know. [Shouting] So you all do what I say!


 * Woman: What were your last words?
 * Hamish Blake: (A Tennis Player in Heaven) Erm... my last words were, "Was it out?" Because I sort of.. it sort of got smashed at me - quite hard - and I fell down, and the ball sort of rolled of me and I think I landed out.So on one hand, dead; on the other hand, match point