The 40-Year-Old Virgin

The 40-Year-Old Virgin is a 2005 film about a man who has never had sex before. His friends force help upon him once they find out.
 * Directed by Judd Apatow. Written by Judd Apatow and Steve Carell.

Better late than never.

Andy

 * I'm a virgin. I always have been.
 * I've borked a lot of women in my day.
 * Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?
 * I hope you have a big trunk, 'cause I'm putting my bike in it.

David

 * [Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video everyone watches in the store] It looks like a Poltergeist.
 * [Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video again] It looks like the Doppler Radar.
 * [Being bitter about Amy] If she wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody... well, hey, that's love.
 * [David and Andy are talking about relationships] Of course it's horrible. It's suffering...and it's pain and it's...you know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight and then you call them a bunch of times and you try and email and then they move or they change their email...but that's just love.

Cal

 * [about Andy] He's a really nice guy and all but I'm pretty sure that he is a serial murderer.
 * [about letting Andy hang out with them] I don't wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment...
 * Oh, man. I had a weekend. We went down to, uh, Tijuana, Mexico, ya know. And there was this guy there and he was all, "Hey, you gotta come and check out one of these shows." And, you know, it's a woman fuckin' a horse. And you get there and you're thinking "Oh, a woman fuckin' a horse." And you get there, and it is not as a great as you thought it would be. It's kinda gross. I mean, it was really givin' it to her. To be honest, we all just felt bad for her. Kinda felt bad for the horse.
 * Screw these analogies, okay? What he's saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don't wanna have sex with someone you like, 'cause they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it. So you wanna have sex with "hood rats" so that by the time you get to a girl that you do like, you won't be terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it. [pause] Probably still pretty bad, though.
 * [To Andy before he hits on Beth] There are three rules when it comes talking to women. Number one, ask questions, don't say anything, because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves so you're just gonna let them do that. Two, be cool and three, be kind of a dick. Look be like David Caruso in "Jade".
 * [after discovering Andy's dating a grandmother] Hey, fuck her on her plastic-covered couch...fuck her while she's watching "Murder She Wrote". She would probably find that very erotic...fuck her and have her send you a check for twelve dollars on your birthday.

Jay

 * All you gotta do is to use your instincts. How do you think a tiger knows how to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's code written in their DNA, says "Tackle the gazelle." Believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says "Tackle drunk bitches."
 * You're puttin' the pussy on a pedestal.
 * From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm getting you some pussy.
 * You're making the pussy into this great big Greek goddess named 'Pussalia' and what you're doing is that you're psyching yourself into to thinking that it's some impossible feat.
 * Of course it doesn't feel right. What feels right hasn't worked. It's time to try some wrong, dawg.

Mooj

 * This is hogshit. You're a fucking asshole to tell me to come here and tell me he was a nice guy didn't you?  Well fuck you people, fuck you, you, you, and you, (points at Andy, Cal and Jay) fuck and kiss my big brown fucking ass okay!
 * I will pray for your cock.
 * Tell me, when your son is born, is he already on parole?

Haziz

 * So, tell me Montel. Why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, al Qaeda?
 * [While Jay is arguing with a Black customer] Today's forecast? Dark and cloudy, with chance of drive-by.

Dialogue

 * Jay: Dude, are you gay?
 * Andy: No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women.
 * Cal: I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once.
 * Jay: Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to fuck guys. I'm cool. I got friends who fuck guys, in jail.


 * Mooj: Andy, don't let them bother you. It's ok not to have sex. Not everybody's a pussy magnet. You are, ah, what are you, 25?
 * Andy: I'm 40.
 * Mooj: Holy shit man! You gotta get on that. Life isn't about sex. Life is about children, and passion, and spirit!
 * Andy: Yeah, life's about passion.
 * Mooj: It's not about fucking and balls and pussy. It's about love.
 * [Andy sighs]
 * Mooj: It's about people. It's about connection.
 * Andy: [Nodding] It's all about connections.
 * Mooj: It's not about tossing salad. It's not about cock and ass and tits.
 * Andy: [Uncomfortable] Hm-hmm.
 * Mooj: And butt hole pleasures.
 * Andy: It's not about butt hole pleasures at all.
 * Mooj: It's not about these rusty trombone, and dirty sanchez. It's not about rainbow showers and camel-toe slide, and your Cincinnati bowtie, your Arabian goggles or the hot carl and pearl necklace, or pussy juice cocktails, and the jagged-head dildos, and the double-decker pussies.
 * Andy: [Agitatedly] Okay. I, y'know, double pussies and--
 * Mooj: Shit stained balls, and cum swapping, and the hanging brain, it's not about the rattlesnake wiggle, and the alligator fuck house, |donkey-punching, the tea-bagging--
 * Andy: Mooj, just please stop.


 * [Cal and David are playing video games at Andy's home]
 * Cal: So you're gay, now?
 * David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
 * Cal: I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know that this is the first conversation... of three conversations that leads to you being gay. There's this and then in a year it's like, "You know... "I'm kind of going to wanna get back out there, but I think I like guys. " And then there's the big, "I'm a gay guy now."
 * Cal: You're gay for saying that.
 * David: I'm gay for saying that?
 * Cal: You're gay now?
 * David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
 * Cal: I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this, and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm a gay guy now."
 * David: [smirks] You're gay for saying that.
 * Cal: I'm gay for saying that?
 * David: You know how I know you're gay?
 * Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
 * David: Because you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.
 * Cal: You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.
 * David: You know how I know you're gay?
 * Cal: How? 'Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
 * David: You know how I know you're gay?
 * Cal: How?
 * David: You like Coldplay. You know how I know you're gay?
 * Cal: How?
 * David: You like the movie; Maid in Manhattan.
 * Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
 * David: How?
 * Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
 * David: You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face."
 * Cal: That's gay?
 * David: [Gets killed in video game] God damn it!
 * Andy: You guys... she's picking me up in an hour.
 * Cal: Oh, drag, dude. She's picking you up from here?
 * Andy: Yeah.
 * Cal: That's fucked up, man.
 * Andy: Why? Why?
 * Cal: Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.
 * Andy: So what?
 * Cal: And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.
 * Andy: It's all right.
 * Cal: Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
 * Andy: It's Oscar Goldman.
 * Cal: Why do you have that?
 * Andy: That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
 * Cal: Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?
 * Andy: I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
 * Cal: I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh... when you brought this in?
 * Andy: They did not laugh at me.
 * Cal: Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
 * Andy: You guys cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay? First, you relax, okay? Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
 * Cal: Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing... and we move it out of here. So it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.


 * Beth: Can I help you?
 * Andy: [following Cal's advice to only ask questions when talking to a woman] I don't know. Can you?
 * Beth: Are you looking for something?
 * Andy: Is there something I should be looking for?
 * Beth: We have a lot of books. So, maybe it depends on what you like.
 * Andy: What do you like?
 * Beth: We have a great section of...do-it-yourself.
 * Andy: Do you like to "do it yourself"?
 * Beth: Sometimes. I mean...if the mood strikes.
 * Andy: How is the mood striking you now?
 * [they both laugh]
 * Beth: What's your name?
 * Andy: What's your name?
 * Beth: I'm Beth.
 * Andy: Andy.
 * Beth: Andy. Don't tell on me, okay, Andy?
 * Andy: I won't. Unless you want to be told on...Beth.


 * Jill: Are you Andy?
 * Andy: Uhh, yeah.
 * Jill: Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
 * Jay: My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card.
 * Andy: Oh-h-h, yeah, right. God, I've been looking for that speed dating card; thank you so much for bringing it to me.
 * Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?
 * Andy: Umm, yeah, "hurtin' for a squirtin'". Yeah, I wrote that.
 * Jill: Oh, so you wrote, "ho fo' sho'"?
 * Andy: Yeah, I remember that girl, she was a ho... for show.
 * Jill: You are never gonna meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch!
 * Andy: Who the--Who the fuck are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, all right, and stop with the inquisition?
 * Jill: That's how you talk?
 * Andy: You know what I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my bitch. Know what I sayin'? So, shit, man, fuck it!
 * Jill: You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.
 * Jay: I don't hang out with him! I work with him, and that's it! I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself, I don't mess with him baby. That's not me.
 * Andy: You should keep your ho on a leash.
 * Jay: Oh, bro I can't let you talk. I can't let you be talking to my woman that way, dawg.
 * Andy: Hey, hey, hey, bitches is runnin' wild, man.


 * Mooj: [talking to a customer] This is a great TV. Nothing beats a plasma.
 * Jay: What are you doing? That's my customer.
 * Mooj: It certainly is not. When I came upon her, she was unattended
 * Jay: No, no, that's my... She was unattended because I went to the back to get the brochure she requested.
 * Mooj: I apologize, but it's too late. The transaction is completed.
 * Jay: Then you gonna give me half the commission.
 * Mooj: You will receive none of the commission.
 * Jay: I need to talk to Paula. This is crazy, man!
 * Mooj: This is bullshit! Every time I make a sale, you go crying to Paula. How about... how about Jesse Jackson? Oh, Jesse, he needs a call...
 * Jay: I'm sick of you poaching my customers.
 * Mooj: I'm sick of your cry-baby bullshit.
 * Jay: You wanna take this shit outside? Just take it outside and squash it?
 * Mooj: Let's stay inside, so everybody can see what a pussy you have, okay? Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath, I can't return it until it has spilled blood.
 * Jay: Look, listen to me. You are fucking with the wrong nigger.
 * Mooj: Hey! You're fucking with the wrong sand-nigger, okay?
 * Jay: Dude, I will hang your old ass by your turban.
 * Mooj: Turban now? Do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, "Hey, Jay, do you want a Slurpee? You want a Slurpee?" Fuck you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a fucking Brooklyn accent, okay?! Okay?!
 * Jay: All right, man. Calm down, dude! Look... you still covering my shift on Friday or what?
 * Mooj: If I can keep this commission... with pleasure.
 * Jay: Cool, man. All right, pops.
 * [They hug; Jay leaves]


 * David: Andy! Andy, come on. We were just kidding!
 * Andy: Pointless.
 * David: Andy, nobody cares that you're a virgin. Don't be such a baby. They were just having fun. They didn't mean anything.
 * Andy: Get away from me, David.
 * David: Wait a minute.
 * Andy: Stop following me!
 * David: Hold up.
 * Andy: Hold on. I'm gonna have to quit my job now.
 * David: You don't have to quit your job.
 * Andy: You know what, I don't wanna go out with you guys.
 * David: Fine.
 * Andy: Okay? I don't need your help.
 * David: Okay, fine, you don't have to go out with us if you don't want.
 * Andy: You know what?! I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much I completely stay away from them! I have a very fulfilling life [Montage of flashbacks] [Painting a toy soldier of a Zouave] And now I am going to make your silver pants blue. [Playing video game] Get some roadburn, come on! Come on, sucker! [Karaoke] Now, pretty ladies around the world. Got a weird thing to show you. [Laughing at a comic book in bed] Oh, my God!


 * Jay: [at the Date-a-Palooza] What are you whining about?! You asked for this shit!
 * Andy: No, I didn't!
 * Jay: Will you just quit whining like a bitch?!
 * Andy: I'm not whining like a bitch!
 * Jay: You are whining like a bitch. And you about to cram like ten years of pimpage into one day.
 * Andy: I don't want to cram pimpage.
 * Jay: And after that... you on my level. Come on.
 * Cal: Just ask questions.
 * Andy: This is a bad idea.


 * David: Remember that time when we made love and you cried in my arms?
 * Amy: Please don't reminisce about the times we fucked, please. It's so creepy.
 * David: Let's go to Paris. I want to take you underneath the Eiffel Tower and make love to you.
 * Amy: Cut it out!
 * David: Cut what out?! Let's go to Paris!
 * Amy: We've been broken up for like two years, man! I don't want to date you anymore!
 * David: You're a whore!
 * Amy: I am not a whore! I just didn't like you!
 * David: This is so us!
 * Amy: Psycho talk!
 * David: What?!


 * Gina: You're a good-looking man.
 * Andy: Thank you.
 * Gina: Very pretty. Real soft, delicate features. You're real feminine, you know, which is good for me... because that would be a simple sort of transition. You know what I'm saying? Maybe throw a little rouge on you, tuck your sac back. You game?
 * Andy: No.


 * Cal: You need to stop fucking around with my friend, okay? Because you're giving him hope, and it's driving the man crazy.
 * Amy: I moved, I changed my e-mail address, my phone number. He's practically stalking me.
 * Cal: Well, I didn't know all that! So, I'm sorry!


 * Cal: You suppose he's had enough? Spank bank has once again been filled. I'll tell you who's the hottest. You're gonna think I'm crazy. Let me tell you. Gina. Can't get va-Gina out of my head. Va-Gina all week. You know what's a fun game?
 * Andy: Huh?
 * Cal: You take three Excedrin PMs... and you see if you could whack off before you fall asleep. [Sighs] You always win is the best part about the game.


 * Andy: Hey, what you watching?
 * Jay: Dawn of the Dead, man.
 * Andy: Great.
 * Jay: The store is slow.
 * Andy: Paula's gone.
 * Jay: Yo, is Paula back?
 * Andy: No. She's not here.
 * Jay: She said we can't watch this in here. You sure?
 * Andy: I know. Can I ask you something in confidence? I know this is gonna sound weird. Am I good-looking? Do you think a woman will find me attractive?
 * [Zombie snarls on TV]
 * Andy: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, the blood just... Okay, never mind.
 * Jay: Wait, Andy. Hold up.
 * Andy: Listen, this is embarrassing for me. This is hard to talk about.
 * Jay: Are you ready for my honest answer?
 * Andy: Yes.
 * Jay: Yeah. I think you're a good-looking cat. I don't think that anybody knows it... and I don't think anybody can see it.
 * Andy: Well, that's why I'm asking you.
 * Jay: You seem really well-groomed and really put together. I mean, look, dude. You think this was an accident? All of this right here? Premeditated, partner. You gotta highlight your attributes, like a diamond in the rough. You willing to make some sacrifices?
 * Andy: Absolutely.
 * Jay: You see that whole Teen Wolf thing you got going right there? You need to wax that right out.
 * Andy: Does it hurt?
 * Jay: No. Waxing don't hurt. I mean, not unless you're a bitch. You know what I mean? It didn't hurt me. I get it done all the time.


 * Jay: No, it's gonna be good. It's is gonna be good. Cool. This the one right here, right?
 * Andy: Hi, how are you?
 * Beautician: So this is your first time getting body waxed?
 * Andy: Yes, it is.
 * Beautician: Take off your shirt.
 * Andy: Okay.
 * Beautician: We're gonna need more wax.
 * Jay: I'm staying. This is gonna be good.
 * Beautician: And clear all my appointments in the afternoon. Here we go.
 * Andy: [She applies wax to him] That feels warm.
 * David: I like your sweater. Does that come in a V-neck?
 * Cal: She starts doing his pubes, I'm out of here.
 * Jay: You gonna look good after this, man.
 * Andy: Thanks, man.
 * Beautician: So, ready?
 * Andy: Yeah.
 * Beautician: Ich. Ni. San.
 * Andy: [Screams] You fucker! I'm sorry. That's just your job.
 * Beautician: You want me to stop now?
 * Andy: No. It's okay. Let's do another one.
 * Jay: That one little patch looks sexy though.
 * Andy: Does it look good?
 * Cal: Yeah, it looks really good.
 * [Andy Exclaims]
 * David: It looks man-tastic.
 * Andy: Okay. Wow! I didn't expect that at all. I really didn't expect that.
 * Jay: You got it. The first one is the only one that hurts.
 * Andy: Yeah. Those hairs are pretty deep. Okay.
 * Beautician: You ready?
 * Andy: Yup.
 * Beautician: [Applies wax and strip] Ich, ni, san. [Rips away]
 * Andy: [Screams] Sucker motherfucker! You shithead! I hate you! I hate you so much! That one hurt. That one hurt just as much as the first one.
 * David: That's great, man.
 * Andy: Man! [Exhales]
 * Beautician: One, two, three. [Rips away]
 * Andy: [Exclaims] Fuck me! In the asshole! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I really don't swear this much.
 * Jay: You know what, I got a weak stomach. That's all I can really take. I'll see ya'll.
 * Andy: Jay.
 * Jay: Be tough, Andy, you got it.
 * Andy: Where did Jay go?
 * David: He went to throw up.
 * Beautician: Ready?
 * Andy: Yup.
 * Beautician: One, two. [Rips away]
 * Andy: [Exclaims] Cocksucker motherfucker! You pulled on two. Why didn't you pull on three? [Montage of rip aways] Freddy pie hole...! [Andy exclaiming in Spanish]... No...! Kelly Clarkson...! [Screams] [Screams]
 * Jay: Ya'll done or ya'll... That's fucked up.
 * Andy: Oh, shit falls!
 * Beautician: That's fucked up.
 * Andy: I hate you. Stop smiling, you jerk!
 * Beautician: You pussy.
 * Andy: Oh, God. What's next? You're doing the nipple.
 * Cal: Not the nipple. Come on.
 * David: Not the nipple.
 * Andy: Please, Cal, hold my hand.
 * Cal: You kidding me, man?
 * Andy: Hold my goddamn hand, man. Do it! Just hold. Okay, here we go.
 * Beautician: Ready?
 * Andy: No. Yup.
 * Beautician: One, two, three. [Rips away]
 * Andy: [Screams] Nipple fuck! Mika, you should burn in hell! Okay, all right. No, seriously, I think I'm done. I think we're done. I think that's good. [Gets off table] You know what, guys... this is not a good look for me!
 * David: You look like a man-o'- lantern.
 * Andy: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Thank you. [Walks out of the room]
 * Beautician: You're welcome.


 * Cal: Here's what you do: you tell her you're a virgin. You test her with this shit. Okay? Here, here, tell me. This is how's it gonna go down. Tell me.
 * Andy: I'm a virgin.
 * Cal: "Sweet! I like that because you don't have chlamydia, and I know that, and that shit is everywhere."
 * Andy: What if she laughs at me though?
 * Cal: Then you punch her in the fuckin' head if she laughs!
 * Andy: I'm not gonna punch her in the head, she's really sweet.
 * Cal: No, you punch her in the fuckin' head emotionally.


 * Operator: Hotline.
 * Andy: Hi, yes, I'm calling because it's more than four hours and your ad said to call if it's been more than four hours.
 * Operator: How much of the medicine have you taken, sir?
 * Andy: I haven't taken any, but your ad said that if you've had an erection for more than four hours, you call.
 * Operator: You're only supposed to call if you've taken the medicine.
 * Andy: Okay. I'm sorry. I must not have heard that part.
 * Operator: Yes. If you haven't taken the medicine, you don't call.
 * Andy: Right. I'm sorry. Right. So, there's nothing you can do? I just don't wanna--
 * Operator: There's nothing I can do. I'm in Bombay, India.
 * Andy: Okay. No, not you personally. I just don't want--I just don't want to have an erection anymore.
 * Operator: You know, you could have sex.
 * Andy: Okay. Yup.
 * Operator: That's one thing people do when they have an erection.
 * Andy: Yeah, that's not an option. I don't have sex.
 * Operator: Okay, well, then you can masturbate.
 * Andy: I'd rather not masturbate.
 * Operator: If you'd like the erection to go away, you can light a match, blow out the flame and put the hot ember on your wrist. And that will focus the brain elsewhere, and you will lose your erection.
 * Andy: Really? That'd work?
 * Operator: Take your finger and flick your testicle, and if you do that till it hurts, your erection will go away.
 * Andy: Okay, all right. It sounds unpleasant and it is.
 * Operator: It is a trick we use in India.
 * Andy: Okay, those are all good pieces of advice. I really appreciate it.
 * Operator: We appreciate your business--oh, no. We didn't get your business!
 * Andy: No, not this time. I guess I didn't need you this time. Thank you.


 * Andy: God, you know, it's so funny, I work right across the street... and I've never been in this place.
 * Trish: Really? Where at?
 * Andy: Yeah. The "We Sell Your Stuff On eBay" store.
 * Trish: Yes.
 * Andy: And that's the name?
 * Trish: Yeah, I was looking for something... you know, obvious. So I chose that.
 * Andy: I don't understand. So, what, you do what?
 * Trish: Well, I take the stuff that you don't want... and then I "sell" it on eBay.
 * Andy: But you don't actually sell anything in the store?
 * Trish: No. I don't.
 * Andy: So why do you have a store?
 * Trish: I don't know.
 * Andy: No, I think it's because, you know, I wanna maybe look professional... and not like a crazy person who's just gonna steal all your shit.
 * Trish: Sure.
 * Andy: I didn't mean anything by that.
 * Trish: No, it's okay. You know what, you should come by sometime if you want, you know... see it for yourself, check it out.
 * Andy: I'll check out your empty store. Yeah, it's the one across the street that's not empty.
 * Trish: Here's my number. So...
 * Andy: All right. So, just anytime. Why do I need your number if you're across the street, though?
 * Trish: I don't really have a good answer for that, Andy.
 * Andy: I just... Sorry. Just giving it to you. So I'll write you up, and I'll meet you over at the register.
 * Trish: Okay.
 * Andy: And check you out... Check out.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Trish: [phone rings] Hello?
 * Andy: Hey, how you doing?
 * Trish: Um... how you doing?
 * Andy: I'm well.
 * Trish: Who is this?
 * Andy: This is... James.
 * [hits himself with the phone]
 * Trish: James? Do I know you, James?
 * Andy: [stammering] I was wondering whether you had a few minutes to talk about a little laundry detergent.
 * Trish: Are you a telemarketer, James?
 * Andy: Yep.
 * Trish: Are you at the top of a tall building? Can you get to a roof quickly? Jump off! I mean, you people are sick. Get a real fucking job, why don't you? Go shoot yourself in the fucking head! Hey, why don't you just, you know, get a knife and run into it? Why don't you do that, huh?
 * Andy: Okay.
 * Trish: All right, I'll see you later, James.
 * Andy: Nice to talk to you.
 * Trish: Fuck your mother, okay? Bye-bye.
 * [hangs up]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Andy and Marla are in the support group meeting with a counselor]
 * Counselor: Now, you're all here... because you're interested in obtaining birth control. Any questions?
 * Alabama father: Here's a cute story. I came home the other day... and he is with his girlfriend in my marital bed... doing things that are illegal in Alabama. Sex acts, right? Things that my wife won't do, okay?
 * Counselor: Did you have a question?
 * Father: How do I get my wife to do that?
 * Counselor: Does anybody else have a question?
 * Black father: My daughter is, for lack of a better word... dumb. How do I stop her menstrual cycle?
 * Counselor: You want her to stop having a menstrual cycle?
 * Black father: I want to stop it, maybe just for a few years.
 * Counselor: Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea. Does anybody else have a question?
 * Andy: I have a question. I think some of the people here might be sexually inexperienced. Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?
 * Counselor: Is that a serious question?
 * Andy: No. It wasn't.
 * Counselor: Okay. Now, there are a lot of activities that you can engage in... without having sex that are both fun and safe.
 * Andy: What sort of activities? I think... everybody wants to know about the activities.
 * Counselor: Well, instead of having intercourse, you could have outer-course.
 * Marla: Outer-course? What's that?
 * Andy: Yeah, what is that?
 * Counselor: Outer-course is anything that isn't vaginal intercourse.
 * Alabama boy: I prefer vaginal intercourse.
 * Alabama father: [Chuckles] He really does.
 * Counselor: Now, there are ways of having sex without intercourse. Let's see, there are things like body rubbing or dry humping.
 * Andy: You could dry hump.
 * Counselor: There is masturbation.
 * Andy: Masturbation. Play with yourself.
 * Counselor: Mutual masturbation.
 * Andy: Play with a friend.
 * Counselor: Deep kissing. There is erotic massage.
 * Andy: That sounds like it would be nice.
 * Counselor: Oral sex play.
 * Seth: Sounds like my Friday night.
 * Seth's father: Shut up, Seth. We went to temple.
 * Counselor: Okay, are there any virgins here... who are thinking about having sex for the first time? [Marla raises her hand and entire support group snickers] Oh.
 * Seth: Wait. So you're a virgin? [Snickers] I'd tap that.
 * Seth's father: Oh, yeah, you'd "tap that"? Seth, what, you think you're cool with your little Jew fro? We don't say, "tap that." What are you talking about, Seth?
 * Andy: You know what, I'm a virgin, too.
 * [Support group laughs]
 * Black boy: That's... We're virgins, too.
 * Black boy's father: Yeah. [They high-five]
 * Andy: No, you know what, it's a personal choice... and I don't think it's weird at all.
 * Black boy's father: You know what your problem is? You're putting the pussy on a pedestal.
 * Andy: That's the second time I've heard that. What is the "pussy on a pedestal" thing?
 * Marla: Okay, I can't listen to anymore of this, 'cause it's making me sick. So, bye.
 * Andy: You can get this information on your website, right?
 * Counselor: Yes.
 * Andy: Thanks. Nice meeting everybody.
 * Counselor: Any other questions?
 * Seth: Do you have any extra-large condoms?
 * Seth's father: Seth, you got a tiny penis. [Sighs]

<hr width=50%/>
 * [Beth and Andy are drunk at her place]
 * Andy: You know what? I'm just going to have sex with you.
 * Beth: Yes! Let's have sex.
 * Andy: It's going to happen.
 * Beth: That's why we are here.
 * Andy: That's totally what's going to happen.
 * Beth: We could do it in the butt, if you want to.
 * Andy: But, if I want to what?
 * Beth: Butt.
 * Andy: But what? What?
 * Beth: Do it.
 * Andy: Do it?
 * Beth: What?
 * Andy: I don't know what you're talking about.
 * Beth: Butt.
 * Andy: But, what?
 * Beth: What?
 * Andy: But, it still feels so right.

Taglines

 * Better Late Than Never
 * The Longer You Wait The Harder It Gets

Cast

 * Steve Carell - Andy
 * Catherine Keener - Trish
 * Paul Rudd - David
 * Romany Malco - Jay
 * Seth Rogen - Cal
 * Kat Dennings - Marla
 * Jane Lynch - Paula
 * Gerry Bednob - Mooj
 * Shelly Malil - Haziz
 * Leslie Mann - Nicky
 * Elizabeth Banks - Beth
 * Jonah Hill - Ebay Store Customer
 * Kevin Hart - Smart Tech Customer