The Addams Family (TV series)

The Addams Family (1964–1966) is an American television sitcom about the misadventures of a blissfully macabre but extremely loving family. It is based on the characters in Charles Addams' New Yorker cartoons.

Theme song

 * They´re creepy and they´re kooky mysterious and spooky they´re all together ooky the Addams Family!
 * Composed and sung by Vic Mizzy.

The Addams Family Goes to School [1.01]

 * Uncle Fester: School? I never went to school and look how I turned out.
 * Morticia: Uncle Fester, looks, charm and personality aren't everything.


 * Morticia: Did I just hear a peal of thunder?
 * Gomez: You did, Tish, you did.
 * Morticia: Oh, that most heavenly sound... it makes life worth living.

Morticia and the Psychiatrist [1.02]

 * Morticia: What's closer in this world than a boy and his mother?
 * Pugsley: A boy and his octopus?


 * Gomez: Darling, there's something I was hoping I didn't have to tell you. The other afternoon, I saw Pugsley playing with a bat.
 * Morticia: A bat? Oh, well that's more like our boy.
 * Gomez: A baseball bat. It's a game, played outdoors... in the sun.

Fester's Punctured Romance [1.03]

 * Uncle Fester: Well, under the circumstances, I... I though I'd take a bride.
 * Morticia: Uncle Fester, you just can't take a one, you're supposed to find your own.
 * Gomez: It's the sporting way, old boy.
 * Morticia: You'll be fighting the women off with clubs...
 * Uncle Fester: Clubs? [thinks a moment] Yes... I think I'd like that...


 * Uncle Fester: [ready to post his love letter] Do you think I ought to send a snapshot along?
 * Morticia: I believe so. How about that nice one the city took?
 * Gomez: The time you fell asleep on the park bench and they carried you off to the morgue by mistake.

Gomez, the Politician [1.04]

 * Uncle Fester: Oh, these conventions! There're so exciting!
 * Grandmama Addams: I remember the first time I voted, 1906.
 * Uncle Fester: Now, Mama, you know there was no women's suffrage in 1906.
 * Grandmama Addams: That didn't stop me.
 * Uncle Fester: You're a real Addams.


 * Gomez: That's our old friend from the school board - Sam L. Hilliard. I've changed horses in mid-stream. That's the Addams way!
 * Morticia: Oh, of course.
 * Gomez: The L stands for Lucifer.
 * Morticia: Very appropriate for a politician.

The Addams Family Tree [1.05]

 * Morticia: [painting a portrait of Cousin Bleak] But there's something about the eyes, I just can't seem to get them.
 * Gomez: That lid droops just a bit too much.
 * Morticia: The right eye, or the left?
 * Gomez: The middle one.


 * Gomez: Remember how I carried you across the threshold that first time?
 * Morticia: Not only across the threshold, but through the living room and up the stairs and into our room.
 * Gomez Addams: And I dropped you... only once.

Morticia Joins the Ladies League [1.06]

 * Gomez: How long have you owned the circus?
 * Oscar Webber: Oh, I bought it three years ago, but this past season everything's gone wrong. The fat lady fell in love. Couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. Lost two hundred and forty pounds.
 * Gomez: That could be noticeable.
 * Oscar Webber: Then Marvin the midget... He got himself on a vitamin kick. Little punk started growing again.
 * Gomez: Oh, no.
 * Oscar Webber: Yeah. I went along with it for awhile, but when he hit five feet eight, I had to fire him.
 * Gomez: Five feet eight. Had you thought of billing him as the world's tallest midget?


 * Morticia: I know the effect you have on the opposite sex.
 * Gomez: Sometimes it frightens ME.
 * Morticia: I live in constant fear that some woman will steal you away from me.
 * Gomez: Banish the fear, mi querida. You are the only cactus in the garden of my life.

Halloween with the Addams Family [1.07]

 * Wednesday: Nice knife. Can I play autopsy with it?


 * [Pugsley and Wednesday present themselves in their Halloween outfits - a business man and bespeckled girl in a party dress]
 * Grandmama Addams: [pleased at the children's frightful costumes] They'll scare the wits out of people.
 * Uncle Fester: Yes. When you knock on neighbors' doors, you'd better say "Do not be alarmed, we are only little children."

Green-Eyed Gomez [1.08]

 * Uncle Fester: You mean you're gonna kill yourself?
 * Gomez: Of course not. Suicide is the coward's way out. I'm gonna let YOU kill me.


 * Gomez: It's no use, Lurch. Apparently I am doomed to live.
 * Lurch: Sorry, sir.

The New Neighbors Meet the Addams Family[1.09]

 * Morticia: [joining Gomez at the window] Well, what do they look like?
 * Gomez: Oh, just ordinary moving men. One's tall; one's medium.
 * Morticia: No, darling, I mean the new neighbors.
 * Gomez: Oh. I haven't seen them yet.


 * Morticia: Oh, Gomez, we've been very selfish. After all, they're newlyweds. I should've been over there a long time ago with a pot of henbane soup, some of my dwarf's hair cobbler, and marital advice.
 * Gomez: Let's go over right now.
 * Morticia: No, darling, I have a better idea. Let's invite them over tonight for a game of bridge.
 * Gomez: You think they'll want to play bridge on their wedding night?
 * Morticia: Oh course. It'll relax them.

Wednesday Leaves Home [1.10]

 * Pugsley: Mother! Father! Wednesday's flown the coop!
 * Gomez: Talk sense boy.
 * Pugsley: She's run away from home.
 * Gomez: Really? Very adventurous spirit. I didn't run away from home until I was eight.
 * Morticia: That's ridiculous.
 * Pugsley: She even left a note. I helped her write it.
 * [Hands note to Morticia]
 * Morticia: [reading] "Dear Mother and Father, I hate you. Love, Wednesday. P.S. Don't bother looking for me because I'm not anywhere. Goodbye, W."


 * Gomez: If you knew she was running away, why didn't you stop her?
 * Pugsley: You know women, once they've made up their minds...

The Addams Family Meet the VIPs [1.11]

 * Morticia: Ah darling, you look so serene and happy when you're throwing knives.
 * Gomez: Family trait.


 * Uncle Fester: I feel so good now, I'm gonna go out and chase automobiles. Wonderful hobby!

Morticia, the Matchmaker [1.12]

 * Melancholia: [explaining the reason for her surprise visit] It's Fred, my intended.
 * Morticia: He jilted you.
 * Melancholia: Well, I can't really say. He just took back his ring, sold his farm and joined the Foreign Legion.
 * Gomez: That is kind of indefinite.


 * Morticia: Mama is cooking up a real surprise.
 * Gomez: I am so hungry I could eat a wolf.
 * Morticia: Gomez, you guessed it!

Lurch Learns to Dance [1.13]

 * Morticia: Look at Mr. Addams. He's always developing outside interests.
 * Gomez: Right now I have the most enviable collection of coroner reports in the neighborhood.


 * Gomez: We must not indulge fear. I remember my Cousin Blob, deathly afraid of ghosts.
 * Morticia: Ghosts?
 * Gomez: Now he's one himself.
 * Morticia: Ah yes... I hear him on dark, stormy nights.
 * Gomez: Oh darling, those strange sounds from the attic aren't Cousin Blob.
 * Morticia: No?
 * Gomez: They're Grandma Squint. You can tell from her superb cackle.
 * Morticia: Ah yes... like music to my ears.


 * Lurch:: [to Wednesday Addams] I like being miserable.

Art and the Addams Family [1.14]

 * Grandmama: But what I need is the eye of a critic.
 * Gomez: A critic?
 * Grandmama: Yes, someone who'd give an unbiased opinion of my work.
 * Gomez: If you don't believe me, you could ask Uncle Fester.
 * Grandmama: Oh well, he's sweet, but he has an axe to grind.
 * Gomez: Well that's just for recreation.


 * Uncle Fester: You know, no artist is famous until his death. Maybe we can arrange it?

The Addams Family Meets a Beatnik [1.15]

 * Morticia: Now, darling, we want this to be a real surprise to Rocky, so I'll instruct the children to keep it an absolute secret. They're not to tell a living soul - or anyone else for that matter.


 * Morticia: [Rocky is recovering after fainting] You had us frightened, young man.
 * Rocky Cartwright III: Well, you got me a little frightened right now, but, eh, a couple of o' asperin and it's gonesville for you spooks.
 * Gomez: Spooks? [chuckles] Well now, there's no need for flattery.
 * Morticia: Thank you.

The Addams Family Meets the Undercover Man [1.16]

 * Morticia: Dear Mr. Hollister... We should send him something. I have it! Some of Mama's candied porcupine.
 * Gomez: Ah, the simple things are the best.

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 * Gomez: I must tell him not to mix the plutonium with the uranium shipments. Otherwise, they'll never get here.
 * Uncle Fester: Boy, that'll really knock the coconuts off the trees.

Mother Lurch Visits the Addams Family [1.17]

 * Gomez: We'll call a family conference. Maybe Uncle Fester can think of something. He has a good head on his shoulders.
 * Morticia: Too bad Cousin Slimy isn't around. He has two of them.

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 * Gomez: You rang?
 * Mother Lurch: I don't trust you Gomez, you've got shifty eyes! And no good butler wears a mustache!
 * Gomez: Sorry madam, I was born with it.
 * Mother Lurch: Where have you been off to, some dark corner with that hussy of a maid?
 * Gomez: [to Lurch] Sir, I appeal to you!
 * Mother Lurch: You don't appeal to him and you don't appeal to me! My son is just too sweet and gentle. People take advantage of him. You're sloppy and inefficient!
 * Gomez: Sir, please tell her...
 * Lurch: You're sloppy and inefficient!

Uncle Fester's Illness [1.18]

 * Uncle Fester: If there is something wrong with me, I hope it's one of those rare tropical diseases. You know, Morticia, something, uh, glamorous.

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 * Wednesday: Are you the Doctor that's going to cure Uncle Fester?
 * Dr. Milford: Well, I'm certainly going to try my best.
 * Wednesday: Where's your mask and spear?
 * Dr. Milford: My what?
 * Wednesday: The last doctor we had came like that.
 * Dr. Milford: Yes, well, um... Uh, this was the best I could do on a spur of the moment.

The Addams Family Splurges [1.19]

 * Gomez: Since gambling bets aren't enforceable by law...
 * Uncle Fester: Never mind about that, I'd shoot him in the back!
 * Morticia: Wouldn't that be rather drastic?
 * Gomez: For betrayal of trust? Violation of professional ethics? Shooting him in the back would be too good for him.
 * Uncle Fester: No, I think it'd be about right...

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 * Morticia: [to Fester] Would you like to take the vulture for a little stroll? She seems to take to humans.
 * Gomez: Her favorite food.

Cousin Itt Visits the Addams Family [1.20]

 * Morticia: This is rather like being in the jungle again, isn't it, dear?
 * Gomez: You were wonderful to have on safari, Tish. No one could skin a hippopotamus like you could.
 * Morticia: Oh, darling, any housewife could do that. You were the remarkable one.
 * Gomez: Well...
 * Morticia: I'll never forget when that tiger broke cover. He charged our gun-bearer.
 * Gomez: Ah, yes. Dear Ali-Koshva.
 * Morticia: Quick as a wink and without a moment's hesitation you snapped your gun to your shoulder and fired.
 * Gomez: Bagged ourselves a wonderful gun-bearer.

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 * Announcer: We interrupt with a special announcement: An hour ago a dangerous creature broke out of the city zoo. When last seen, the monster was heading for the Greenbrier-Woodlawn area.
 * Morticia: That's us again.
 * Lurch: Shall I bolt the windows and doors?
 * Gomez: Nonsense. It's probably another relative.

The Addams Family in Court [1.21]

 * Grandmama Addams: Where's Gomez?
 * Morticia: He's working on your release. Never lost a case, you know.
 * Grandmama Addams: And never won one either. Perfect record!

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 * Morticia: Dear Mama. I'm so glad we're home, really. If we leave her alone too long, she tends to brood.
 * Gomez: I don't know why. She has her lizards and her comfy nail-bed, and if things get dull she can always throw darts at Uncle Fester.

Amnesia in the Addams Family [1.22]

 * Pugsley: You mean hit my own father with an Indian club?
 * Wednesday: It's for his own good.
 * Pugsley: Then you do it.
 * Wednesday: He might get mad at me.
 * Pugsley: He might get made at me, too.
 * Wednesday: But while father is ill, you're the head of the family.
 * Pugsley: [stands up] Hand me that club!

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 * Gomez: I'm going to get you a lovely, golden-haired doll that says "Mama."
 * Wednesday: But what have I done?
 * Gomez: Nothing.
 * Wednesday: Then why are you punishing me?

Thing Is Missing [1.23]

 * Gomez: Morticia, it's a ransom note!
 * Morticia: A ransom note? You mean...
 * Gomez: He's been thing-napped!

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 * Detective: But if it isn't a person, just what sort of a thing is it that's missing, Mrs. Addams? Is it a pet?
 * Morticia: Well, it's... It's a family retainer.
 * Detective: Oh... oh, it's a... it's a SERVANT. Well, isn't THAT a person?
 * Morticia: Not necessarily.

Crisis in the Addams Family [1.24]

 * Uncle Fester: [back from his first day as an insurance salesman] I tried. I knocked on every door in my territory. I was dynamic. I was personable, charming, AND magnetic but it wasn't any use. Oh, my career is ruined. I'm all washed up.
 * [Fester plods off to his room]
 * Gomez: I have a feeling all's not well with Fester.
 * Morticia: It's hard to tell. He puts up such a brave front.

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 * Gomez: All right, you lily-livered goldbrick, are you gonna lie sniveling on that nice, warm bed of nails or are you gonna get up and FIGHT like an ADDAMS?
 * Uncle Fester: Well, if it's all the same with you, I'd rather lie here and snivel.
 * Gomez: When a pilot crashes, what does he do? He gets right back into that crate and up into the wild, blue yonder again. And when a lion tamer gets ripped up, does he snivel? Does he quit? Not always.

Lurch and His Harpsichord [1.25]

 * Morticia: So you see, Lurch, in as much as you love the harpsichord so, the real public benefactors wouldn't be US, it would be YOU.
 * Gomez: We even instruct the museum, Lurch, to name YOU as donor.
 * Morticia: What do you say to that?
 * Lurch: I quit.
 * Gomez: No, Lurch... Lurch, y-you can't quit. Y-you're like one of the family.
 * Morticia: Oh, think of all those glorious, happy years we've spent together. Think of the children. Think of Mama and Uncle Fester.
 * [Lurch thinks for a moment]
 * Lurch: I quit.

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 * Morticia: Gomez, darling, it's wonderful the way you just leap in and take charge, lead the way.
 * Gomez: That's what they said about old Commodore Addams.
 * Morticia: Oh? When he lead his men into battle?
 * Gomez: Off his sinking ship.

Morticia, the Breadwinner [1.26]

 * Morticia: We MUST think of ways to make money.
 * Uncle Fester: I know an easy way.
 * Morticia: Oh?
 * Uncle Fester: Print it.

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 * Mr. Blooker: I'll kill myself.
 * Gomez Addams: Good thinking. Blooker, if you DO get that stock for me, I'll buy you the biggest, thickest, juiciest camel hump steak in town. Whadda ya have to say to that?
 * Mr. Blooker: I'll kill myself.
 * Gomez Addams: Got a one-track mind, Blooker - I like that!

The Addams Family and the Spaceman [1.27]

 * Uncle Fester: Well, what's for supper? I could eat a horse!
 * Gomez: Come come, Fester, you had that for lunch.
 * Morticia: Uncle Fester, be patient, we'll be dining soon. Why don't you go over and chat with Lurch and Cousin Itt?
 * Uncle Fester: Oh, they're always talking politics!

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 * Morticia: Darling, are those men staring at us?
 * Gomez: Not us. At you. You're ravishing!
 * [Starts kissing her arm]
 * Morticia: Darling, please. It's early.
 * Gomez: Your watch is slow.
 * Uncle Fester: Hey, they're coming over. They got such funny looks in their eyes, they COULD be people from Mars.
 * Gomez: Nonsense. They're not little, they're not green, and they don't have things sticking out of their heads.
 * Cousin Itt: Uts sfoo dedidivuh PAH!
 * Uncle Fester: Itt's right. They could be disguised.
 * Morticia: Well, whoever they are, we must be neighborly. We don't want them thinking we Earth-people are snobs.

My Son, the Chimp [1.28]

 * Morticia: [told the chimpanzee is her son] No, I absolutely refuse to believe that THAT... Gomez? Look. He has that same lovely low brow as... you-know-who.
 * Gomez: Yeah, and that same fine prehistoric jawline.
 * Chimpanzee: Oo, oo, oo, oo.
 * Morticia: Oh, it IS Pugsley. I know that voice anywhere.

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 * [Thing engages the others in a game of charades to try telling them where he's found Pugsley]
 * Morticia: I think he's trying to tell us something.
 * Gomez: What is it, Thing? Something we should know?
 * Grandmama Addams: Is it smaller than a coffin?
 * Morticia: Larger than a tsetse fly?
 * Gomez: Is it the title of a song?
 * Morticia: Oh, this is fun. I mean, it WOULD be if Pugsley were here. Is it someone we know?
 * Uncle Fester: How many syllables?
 * Gomez: Two syllables. Ah, ha... Whom do we know with two syllables? First syllable. Sounds like.
 * [Thing slugs the air]
 * Morticia: Fight?
 * Grandmama Addams: Fighting.
 * Gomez: Fight-ER!
 * Morticia: Pugilist.
 * Gomez: Pug! Pug... Pug... Ahhh... It just doesn't seem to ring a bell.

Morticia's Favorite Charity [1.29]

 * Uncle Fester: Oh, not my suit of armor please, I need it to feel secure. Like Pugsley needs his wolf-head clock. That armor's the... only place I can find to hide in, to take my afternoon's nap.
 * Morticia: Uncle Fester, the whole family has given until it hurts.
 * Uncle Fester: Well, I like to hurt as much as anybody, but don't ask me to give my armor up. I have to wear it practically every day to scare off those neighborhood kids.
 * Morticia: They annoy you?
 * Uncle Fester: Oh not me, but... they keep waving sticks and throwing stones at my new pet falcon. And he's getting a nervous stomach.

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 * Wednesday: [holding up her headless doll] I'm donating Mary Queen of Scots.
 * Morticia: Darling, that IS your most precious possession.
 * Wednesday: I can chop a head off another doll.
 * Morticia: I know, but all the heads don't come off as nicely as this one. Are you sure you want to donate Mary?
 * Wednesday: Yes, but I'll never be able to look her head in the eye again.

Progress and the Addams Family [1.30]

 * Morticia: Gomez, did you hear an explosion a moment ago?
 * Gomez: Oh, that. Probably Uncle Fester down in the basement testing for gas leaks with a lighted match.

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 * [the Addams family prepares to ride along with the mansion on its move to a new location]
 * Morticia: Where are the children, dear?
 * Gomez: Oh, they're fine. They're riding on the roof.
 * Morticia: I do hope they don't get car sick. Is Lurch with them?
 * Gomez: Oh, no. He likes to ride with his head out the window and growl at the passing cars.

Uncle Fester's Toupee [1.31]

 * Gomez: Kitty-Cat doesn't need a hairpiece. Never met a lion who did.
 * Max: A lion? In THIS house?
 * Morticia: How else are the children going to learn anything about nature?
 * Gomez: I can't wait till pet day at school.

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 * Morticia: Darling, I'm worried.
 * Gomez: About what?
 * Morticia: Uncle Fester and Madeline. I think those two are in love.
 * Gomez: With whom?
 * Morticia: With each other.
 * Gomez: Impossible.
 * Morticia: No, it's not at all impossible, darling. According to their horoscopes, it's perfect - she's a Capricorn and he's a bachelor.

Cousin Itt and the Vocational Counselor [1.32]

 * Mortimer Phelps: Cousin Itt? From, eh, who's side of the family?
 * Morticia: He's from both sides of the family. He hasn't quite found himself.
 * Gomez: And with Cousin Itt, that's not easy. He looks the same from every angle.

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 * Morticia: Poor Cousin Itt, he's so nervous he went up in the treehouse with Uncle Fester.
 * Gomez: I hope a passing eagle doesn't snatch him up.
 * Morticia: Oh dear, he would make good nesting material, wouldn't he?

Lurch, the Teenage Idol [1.33]

 * Gomez: Lurch! He's been stabbed!
 * Morticia: Nonsense, darling. That's the way he sings.
 * Gomez: He'd be better stabbed.

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 * Gomez: [Lurch has left] Well, he belongs to the ages now.
 * Morticia: I'll miss his happy smiling face.
 * Gomez: I need a drink. I'll ring for Fester.
 * [pulls the noose to chime the gong]
 * Lurch: You rang?
 * Gomez: Lurch!
 * Morticia: You're back!
 * Lurch: [exhausted after facing his adoring fans] To stay...

The Winning of Morticia Addams [1.34]

 * Gomez: Tish, Zen Yogi's been taking up entirely too much of my life.
 * Morticia: Darling, you're so right. And besides, all this standing on your head is getting rather expensive. None of your hats fit any more.

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 * Dr. Francis Chalon: If you don't mind my saying so, I've made women forget their husbands in one day.
 * Morticia: Please, I love Gomez.
 * Dr. Francis Chalon: Who's Gomez?
 * Morticia: My husband.
 * Dr. Francis Chalon: You see? I've forgotten him already.

<hr width="50%"/> Lurch: Follow me!

Cast

 * Carolyn Jones - Morticia Addams
 * John Astin - Gomez Addams
 * Jackie Coogan - Uncle Fester
 * Ted Cassidy - Lurch
 * Blossom Rock - Grandmama Addams
 * Lisa Loring - Wednesday Addams
 * Ken Weatherwax - Pugsley Addams
 * Thing - "Itself"
 * Felix Silla - Cousin Itt