The Amanda Show

The Amanda Show is a sketch comedy/variety show airing on Nickelodeon from 1999 to 2002 and starring Amanda Bynes in multiple roles.

Episode 1

 * Amanda: "We've gotta fly towards Nickelodeon! Please hurry, I've got a show to do."
 * Helicopter Pilot: "Nickelodeon? are you one of them Rugrats?" (He begins chuckling.)
 * Amanda: "No, I'm Amanda- Amanda Bynes."
 * Helicopter Pilot: "Oh, I wish you were one of them Rugrats."


 * Amanda: I am so excited to be doing the show because I am working with some really cool people. [loud thud]  Um, it's like a dream come true, because, on a regular show, you'd never...[loud thud]...what's that noise?
 * [The noise was Penelope trying to break into a room.]


 * Amanda: And everyone here on the show really makes me feel at home. The only thing missing is my room.


 * Audience member 1: Hey, Amanda. Since you're the star of the show, do you think you can get pizza and flowers delivered to you in under 30 seconds by two of your favorite TV stars?
 * Audience member 2: And get me a banana nut muffin?
 * Amanda: Okay, come on; there is no way that I can get a pizza delivered in under...
 * [She gets interrupted by cheers and applause, and turns around to see that two All That cast members, Josh Server and Kenan Thompson, have delivered her flowers and a pizza.]


 * Audience member 2:  I LOVE YOU, MAN!

Episode 15

 * Audience member's great-grandmother: DON'T TRUST THE GERMANS!
 * Amanda: Uh, okay.


 * Amanda:  Uh, ma'am, that wasn't the funny part.
 * Audience member's great-grandmother: CREAMED CORN!

Episode 18

 * Amanda: Hey! What's with all the hair dryers?  You blew a fuse!
 * Nancy: We're having a wiener roast.
 * Amanda: Over 30 hair dryers?
 * Nancy: Yeah. We're not allowed to start a fire in here.  Wiener?
 * Amanda: Sure, okay. [to audience] We're going to roast some wieners, so stick around!  We'll be back in a second to do stuff!

Episode 33

 * Amanda: Okay, look. I have to be totally honest with you guys.  I'm really not in the best mood.     Well, see, look; here's the problem.  I usually get really nice letters from fans of the show, but yesterday, I got this.    Listen to what this kid wrote: "Dear Amanda, I hate The Amanda Show!   Sincerely, Michael.  P.S.  I hate your show!"  Can you believe what this kid, Michael, wrote?
 * Audience member 1:   LET'S GET HIM!
 * 
 * Amanda: Okay, calm down! Easy!  Easy!  Look, I really appreciate your mob mentality, but everybody has a right to say what they think.
 * Audience member 2: I think the Russians ate the moon!
 * Amanda: Except for that guy. Okay, look; since this Michael kid hates the show, I think I should go talk to him about it.  Yeah?
 * Audience: Yeah.
 * 
 * Amanda: Okay, let's see. His address is right here, so you guys sit tight, and I'll go see what this kid's problem is.
 * 
 * Michael's mother: Yes? Can I help you?
 * Amanda: Hi. Is Michael here?
 * Michael's mother: Yes. He's inside, booing at the TV.  Come on in.
 * 
 * Michael: BOO! BOO!  I HATE THIS SHOW!  BOO!
 * 
 * Michael's mother: There he is.
 * Amanda: Uh, hi?
 * Michael: Who are you?
 * Amanda: I'm Amanda. You wrote me a letter.  You said you hated The Amanda Show.
 * Michael: Yeah. I'm watching it now!
 * 
 * Clam World Narrator: The male clams ask the female clams to dance.
 * Amanda: That's not "The Amanda Show!" That's "Clam World!"  Here!
 * 
 * Amanda: That's "The Amanda Show."
 * Michael:   This IS pretty funny!   Oh, you rock!     This is a great show!
 * 
 * Amanda: So stick around! We'll be back in a second to do stuff!  Whoo-hoo!
 * 

Master Security Crossing Body Guard/Police Captures Penelope (Scene in the 1999 Pilot Episode)

 * Penelope: Sir! My name is Penelope Taynt! I'm Amanda's number one fan!  I have my very own Amanda website: www.AmandaPlease.com.
 * Security Guard: Yeah, yeah. You're www.- coming with me!

Penelope Bribes Josh

 * [Josh is playing rock, paper, scissors against himself in the mirror when Penelope shows up.]
 * Penelope: Where's Amanda?! [Josh screams.] I said, "Where's Amanda, please?"
 * Josh: I...I don't know.
 * Penelope: How very sad for you.
 * [She holds up a tuning fork with electricity inside it.]
 * Josh: No! Oh, please don't damage me! I'm just starting puberty! It's going to be a whole new world!
 * Penelope: Wait!
 * Josh: What?!
 * Penelope: You're an actor on The Amanda Show!
 * Josh: Yeah.
 * Penelope: Perhaps you can be useful to me.
 * Josh: How?
 * Penelope: Introduce me to Amanda!
 * Josh: You're crazy! I'll get fired!
 * Penelope: I'll make it worth your while.
 * Josh: Huh?
 * Penelope: You know, you scratch my back, I scratch yours.
 * Josh: Uh, okay. [He turns around.] Right between the shoulders.
 * Penelope: No, brainless! [Slaps him on the butt.] I'm offering you a deal!
 * Josh: What kind of a deal?
 * [Penelope grabs Josh's hair to make him stand up, and he reacts to it.]
 * Penelope: You introduce me to Amanda, and I will make your co-actor, Blake, disappear.
 * Josh: Drake? Why would I want Drake to disappear?
 * Penelope: Think about it, simple boy. With Blake gone, you'll get to play all of his parts on the show.
 * Josh: Wow.
 * [Josh imagines himself in a Hillbilly Moment sketch, Tony Pajamas sketch, and Totally Kyle sketch, in the roles where Drake normally appears; the first two sketches air later in the episode.]
 * Penelope: Well?
 * Josh: How do we get rid of Blake?


 * Barney: Am I in...China?


 * Penelope: Remember our deal; I dispose of Blake.
 * Josh: Drake.
 * Penelope: It matters!
 * Josh:: Sorry.
 * Penelope: I get rid of Blake, and you introduce me to Amanda.

Air Duct

 * Staff worker: Who are you?
 * Penelope: I'm...the air conditioning man.
 * Staff worker: But you're a girl.
 * Penelope: Prove it! Where's Amanda, please?
 * Staff worker: Oh, she went to get dressed. She has to be on stage in just a minute.
 * Penelope: Does this air conditioning vent lead to the stage?
 * Staff worker: I'm not sure.
 * Penelope: Then thanks for nothing! I'll find Amanda myself, please!  Fair thee well!

Introduction

 * Announcer: This is the courtroom of Judge Trudy. When you have a beef, don't take the beef into your own hands.  Put your beef in the hands of Judge Trudy.  Okay.

Bailiff's Orders

 * All rise!
 * Get up!
 * Rise up!
 * Bottoms up!
 * Hut 2!
 * Get vertical!
 * Straighten your spines!
 * Stand, ye rand!
 * Raise your rumps!
 * Make with the rising!

I hereby sentence you...

 * ...to a cage match with two professional wrestlers!
 * ...to one week locked up in a box with two contagious sick people!
 * ...to be chased by an unpredictable man in a gorilla suit!
 * ...to be sold to the highest bidder in the courtroom!
 * ...to put a brand new 33-inch television in this boy's room; furthermore, I sentence you two to play dodgeball with three bitter Marines! Let the games begin!
 * ...to give a very old woman piggyback for the next three years!
 * ...Miss DeBoat over here to go on a romantic date with Janitor Jim!
 * ...Dr. Pain In The Butt over here to get a little shot herself! Bailiff!
 * ...to spend three years on the planet Venus!

Defendant can't pay the fine

 * Well, then you're going in a leopard cage!
 * Well, then I'll have to confiscate your dress!
 * Then this bailiff will have to put an angry chipmunk down your pants!
 * I'll have to ask the bailiff to dump that man's plate of lasagna down your trousers!

Second case introductions

 * The litigants for our next case are entering the courtroom. See them? That's them.
 * Our next litigants are entering the courtroom. See the pants that guy's wearing? I have those same pants.
 * The litigants for our next case are entering the courtroom. I wonder if they have any gum.
 * Here come our next litigants. I bet one of them trips. [The defendant trips while walking] Told ya.
 * The litigants for our next case are entering the courtroom. I wish my name was Stephanie.
 * The litigants for our next case are entering the courtroom. I wish I'd gone to college.
 * This is a special emergency trial in Judge Trudy's classroom. The defendant: Miss DeBoat. The plantiff: Rodney Rippy. My parents wish that I'd never been born.
 * The litigants for our next case are entering the courtroom. Women laugh at me.
 * The litigants for our next case are entering the courtroom. No one invites me to parties.
 * The litigants for our next case are entering the courtroom. I'm a disappointment to my parents.

Conclusion

 * Court dismissed! Bring in the Dancing Lobsters!

Collage Teacher

 * Plaintiff: Well, Judge Trudy, my teacher, Miss Burkel...she gave me the detention.
 * [crowd boos]
 * Miss Burkel: I had every right to give him detention! Look at me!
 * Judge Trudy: You can't give a kid detention just because you're unattractive!
 * Miss Burkel: I am talking about these things! They're all stuck to me!
 * Judge Trudy: Now it's his fault you're sticky?!
 * Miss Burkel: I am NOT sticky by nature! He put glue on everything in the classroom!
 * Plaintiff: You said to make a collage!
 * Miss Burkel: Not upon me!
 * Plaintiff: Who says "upon"?
 * Miss Burkel: Listen, glue boy.


 * Judge Trudy: One more interruption and I'll glue something to your butt!
 * Miss Burkel: THERE'S NO MORE ROOM ON MY BUTT!
 * 
 * Judge Trudy: Order! Order! This situation does NOT call for snickering!
 * Miss Burkel: Thank you!
 * Judge Trudy: It calls for pointing and loud laughter. Begin.
 * 
 * Judge Trudy:   I hereby sentence you to be sold to the highest bidder in the courtroom!
 * Random gallery member: $1!
 * Judge Trudy:   Sold! Take her away!

Awards Show Dream

 * 
 * Whoopi Goldberg: All right, people! And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: the award for the best website in the world!  And the winner for the best website is...  ...www.AmandaPlease.com by Penelope Taynt!  Penelope Taynt, come on up, girlfriend!
 * <Penelope walks on stage during the resulting applause.>
 * Penelope: Thank you! Thank you, please!  As you people know, my name is Penelope Taynt!  I'm Amanda's number one fan, please, and I would like to thank the academy for giving me this award for the best website of the year, please!     In fact, I can think of no better way to say "thank you" than to show you all my website right now!    www.AmandaPlease.com.  This week, you can win a surprise from "The Amanda Show!"     See?  That's the gavel Amanda uses when she plays Judge Trudy!  If you visit my website, you might win this actual gavel...which I stole!    Now, let's view the Amanda Video Clip of the Week!  Watch as Amanda actually gargles...and spits!  <The video shows Amanda gargling mouthwash before spitting it into her bathroom sink.> She's minty fresh, please!     Back to the home page, where you'll find tons of Amanda games!     So, isn't my website excellent!
 * Whoopi: Let's hear it for www.AmandaPlease.com!
 * Penelope: Thank you, Whopper!
 * Whoopi: Whoopi. And now, Penelope, we have another surprise for you!  Since your website, www.AmandaPlease.com is so excellent, you now get to meet Amanda!
 * <Penelope faints and subsequently knocks Whoopi's head off her body.>
 * Penelope: I can't believe I finally get to meet Amanda, please!
 * Whoopi: Could you put my head back on my body, please?
 * Penelope: Sorry, please. <She reattaches Whoopi's head to her body.>  There.  Now where's Amanda?
 * Whoopi: She's right over there! Amanda, come on up!
 * Penelope: Amanda! Amanda!  Amanda, please!  Amanda!
 * <The scene switches back to live action, which shows Penelope is dreaming.>
 * Penelope: ...Amanda, Amanda, Amanda! Where are you?  Amanda!     Please?  It was a dream?!  Why must I always awaken before I meet Amanda?  I must continue sleeping immediately!  Good night, please!  <She hits herself in the face with her laptop and knocks herself out.>
 * <The scene switches back to live action, which shows Penelope is dreaming.>
 * Penelope: ...Amanda, Amanda, Amanda! Where are you?  Amanda!     Please?  It was a dream?!  Why must I always awaken before I meet Amanda?  I must continue sleeping immediately!  Good night, please!  <She hits herself in the face with her laptop and knocks herself out.>

The Girls' Room

 * Debbie: I like eggs!


 * Debbie: If my name was Elizabeth, it'd be Elizabeth!


 * Tammy: My name's Tammy. I'm an exchange student from Tennessee.


 * Debbie: Don't forget to vote for Amber for president!
 * Danielle: Why would I want to vote for Amber when I'm running for president?
 * Debbie: Happy Hanukkah!


 * Sheila: Your turn.
 * Debbie: Oh, sorry. I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a large root beer.
 * Sheila: We're doing the show! Earth to Debbie!
 * Debbie: Hi, Earth!


 * Sheila: You'd better check the date on your brain, because I think it expired!
 * Debbie: Thanks!


 * Debbie: My daddy has a car!


 * Debbie: My mom uses a special ointment!


 * Amber: [after seeing Jamie Bradford is really a boy, not a girl] Emergency conference!
 * [The girls get together.]
 * Amber: Oh my gosh!
 * Sheila: Oh my gosh!
 * Danielle: Oh my gosh!
 * Tammy: Oh my gosh!
 * Debbie: Oh my hammers!


 * Tammy: Oh, for the love of Fat Elvis! Can we please get this show on the road?


 * Tammy: Debbie, as a child, were you dropped on your head?
 * Debbie: Sure! Lots of times!

My Name's Amanda...

 * ...and welcome to my show!
 * ...and I stay crunchy, even in milk!
 * ...and I have my father's credit card!
 * ...and my grandma makes great coleslaw!
 * ...and I have no use for the metric system!
 * ...and everybody here gets complementary chicken breasts!
 * ...and I'm the star for the next half-hour!
 * ...and my parents think I'm at the library!
 * ...and we're on television!
 * ...and I'm 100% biodegradable!
 * ...and I'm freshly showered!
 * ...and I come with everything you see here!
 * ...and I contain 10% real fruit juice!
 * ...and I come with your choice of fries or onion rings!
 * ...and my dad's a dentist!   Uh, wait; my dad's not really a dentist. He's a guy who gives free ice cream to people!   
 * ...and everybody here gets a free car!    Just kidding.  <crowd groans sarcastically>  No!  I'm serious!  You all get a free car!
 * ...and my shoes taste just like chicken!
 * ...and I...and I...I'm sorry! I forgot my line!
 * ...and everyone here tonight gets a free cell phone! <crowd cheers as the staff hands out cell phones>
 * ...and I say the fork is superior to the chopstick!
 * ...and I enjoy red meat!
 * ...and Nickelodeon pays me to do this!
 * ...and my belly button contains no lint!
 * ...and I declare this month "National Blow Off Your Homework Month!"
 * ...and in case of emergency, I can be used as a floatation device!
 * ...and we're writing by the best writers Nick can afford!
 * ...and I have no use for the metric system!
 * ...and I have feet at the end of my legs!

Hillbilly Moment

 * Lula Mae: Knock, knock.
 * Eenis: Who's there?
 * Lula Mae: Rag doll.
 * Eenis: Rag doll who?
 * Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a rag doll!
 * Eenis: [laughs] Uh, what?
 * [Lula Mae hits Eenis with a rag doll and he trips around all over the place. Then he stands back up and laughs some more.]
 * Eenis: Ha, ha; that's a good one!

NOTE: All jokes in this sketch are the same; the only difference is what Lula Mae hits Eenis with.


 * Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a computer monitor!


 * Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a bowling pin!


 * Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a strawberry shortcake!


 * Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a cactus branch!


 * Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a steering wheel!


 * Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a cement block!


 * Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a pink toilet!


 * Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a large clam! (To Josh Peck as Eenis)


 * Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a meaty loaf!


 * Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a witch broom!


 * Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a frog puppet!


 * Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a endangered species (Bald Eagle)!


 * Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a DVD Player!

Mosquito Bite

 * One time I had this mosquito bite, and it was all, like, itchy, so then I scratched it, and then it got all itchy again, so I, like, scratched it again, and then it got all itchy again, so then I scratched it again, and it got itchy. Again.  So I scratched it...again!

Cheeseburger

 * One time, I had this, like, double cheeseburger, and it was, like, good, and the juice was all, like, double, and it was, like, the best double cheeseburger that I ever, like, had, like, ever, in my life, and then a week later, I like, threw up.

Amanda

 * My name's Amanda, and... .
 * Stick around; we'll be back in a second to do stuff!
 * Well, that's our show. I gotta go... .  See ya!

Penelope Taynt

 * My name is Penelope Paynt. I'm Amanda's number one fan.  I have my very own Amanda website: www.AmandaPlease.com.
 * Please.

Totally Kyle

 * From his garage, it's Totally Kyle!
 * That was Totally Kyle!
 * Totally!

The Girls' Room

 * Debbie: I like eggs!

Judge Trudy

 * Judge Trudy:   Court dismissed! Bring in the Dancing Lobsters!

So You Wanna Win 5 Dollars?

 * Tina: Hi, and welcome back to "So You Wanna Win $5?"

Tony Pajamas

 * Tony's assistant: Tony! It's the Al Dente Brothers!

Episode 21

 * Mr. Oldman: Hello?
 * Prank caller: Hello?
 * Mr. Oldman: Hello?
 * Prank caller: Hello?
 * Mr. Oldman: Hello?
 * Prank caller: Hello?
 * Mr. Oldman: Hello?
 * Prank caller: Goodbye!  
 * Mr. Oldman: That was so pointless!

Well, That's Our Show. I Gotta Go...See Ya!

 * ...home and take a shower.
 * ...home and rearrange my dog!
 * ...sniff a peanut.
 * ...stir-fry a bikini.
 * ...dissect a puppet.
 * ...sweep an elephant. <This was actually spoken by the winner of an Amanda look-alike contest.>
 * ...get my grandmother out of jail.
 * ...take these girls out to dinner. You want to say it?  <Amanda talking to the winner of a look-alike contest, whose prize is to say the closing line.  Amanda then whispers it to her.>
 * ...drain my sinuses.
 * ...digest an elephant.
 * ...apprehend this criminal! <after a robber stole camera 2>
 * ...reupholster my father!
 * ...alphabetise my sisters!
 * ...massage a doughnut! <this was the final episode>
 * ...yank my molars!
 * ...overthrow Canada!
 * ...scuba-dive with a wiener dog!
 * ...body slam my grandmother!
 * ...hypnotise a social worker!
 * ...teach this guy how to do brain surgery!
 * ...take a cruise to Hawaii! <referring to musical guest Vitamin C.>
 * ...butter my elbows.
 * ...swallow some awful clams.
 * ...give my parents their allowance.
 * ...rotate my tyres.
 * ...travel intergalacticly.
 * ...feed my monkeys!
 * ...on a date with LFO and Dancing Lobsters! <referring to musical guest LFO>
 * ...get home before my parents do!
 * ...burp this baby.
 * ...digest a coconut.

Little Crazy Hat Man

 * Little Crazy Hat Man: "Hey, don't look at her hairy mole, look at me."

Why Not Sumo?

 * Crazy Sumo: "Yummy, yummy, yummy, stick a straw in my tummy!"

Allowance Doubler

 * Announcer: The Allowance Doubler! It will make you rich, which will make you popular, which will make you happy!

LunchBay.com

 * Announcer: LunchBay.com, the convenient way to sell your disgusting lunch items.
 * Kids: And make money!

Meatloaf Crunch

 * Meat Loaf: Whoop-dee-dee; have a bowl of me!