The Benchwarmers

The Benchwarmers is a 2006 American comedy film directed by Dennis Dugan. It stars Rob Schneider, David Spade and Jon Heder.

Clark

 * I love beef stew!
 * Hold on my moms texting me...No Way! We're having macaroni tonight that means garlic bread.. Yes!!
 * Is bad ass one or two words?
 * What are steroids? "Somtehing that makes your pee pee small"..... There must be steroids in macaroni!

Howie

 * For years I thought the sun was a monster. But I am here to tell you that it's not a monster! IT'S NOT A MONSTER! [cries]
 * Fine, you can eat the thin mints at my funeral, Richie.
 * Richie told me about that killer lose in the neighborhood, He is killing anyone named Howie! That’s my name, That’s My Name!

Mel
"who are you"..... "Ooooo you know just one of those nerds to grow up and make BILLIONS."
 * Howie, you're a pp.
 * Keep it under a billion, that's all I got... on me hahaha.
 * If you build it, nerds will come.

Other

 * Richie: I... love... salad.
 * Old Man At The Video Store: I smell Cinnamon rolls...
 * Gus: My wife is the only one who gets to twist these man titties.

Dialogue

 * Gus: Clark, don't pick your nose in front of me, please.
 * Clark: I'm not picking, I'm scratching.
 * Gus: What are you scratching? Your brain?
 * Clark: Yeah, 'cause it's huge.




 * Richie: He just did that steroid free!
 * Clark: What's steroids?
 * Richie: Something that makes your pee-pee smaller.
 * Clark: Ohh... there must be steroids in macaroni!




 * Gus: I think this is a sign that you should get a car.
 * Clark: My mom said I should hold off on getting my license for another year. [Extends arms forward and then retracts] You know, just to make sure my reflexes are fully developed.




 * Howie: I`m not afraid of the sun anymore.
 * Wayne: That`s good, buddy. How's the moon treating you?
 * Howie: Not a fan!




 * Howie: That's so great...what does all the way mean?
 * Wayne: [whispers in Howie's ear]
 * Howie: [squeezes suntan lotion and screams] Aaaaaah!




 * Number 7 Robot: Ha-ha-ha! I heard you stunk!
 * Clark: Shut up, Number 7!
 * Number 7 Robot: You shut up!
 * Clark: I'll kill you!
 * Number 7 Robot: Oh shit!




 * Clark: Gus!
 * Richie: Gus!
 * [Gus is busy mowing a lawn and cannot hear them calling]
 * Clark: He can't hear us.
 * ''[He picks up a rock in Gus' yard and throws it at Gus' lawn mower in an attempt to get his attention. Gus runs over the rock and it blasts out, accidentally hitting Richie in the groin]
 * Richie: [Falls on the ground] Ohh! Ah...
 * Gus: [Finally hearing them] Hey fellas. [Walks over to them] You okay, Richie?
 * Richie: [Standing up] Yeah, I'm fine, just... purple nuts.




 * Brad: Clark? Richie? I hardly recognize you two clowns without the underwear on your head!
 * Richie: Brad, wow, you have really not slimmed down.
 * Brad: Oh, eat me! So I hear from Jerry that you tools think your atheletes now?
 * Richie: That's funny. I didn't know athlete had three sylables. Ath-a-lete! Thats ama-z-zing!
 * Brad: You think your hot shit cause you know words!
 * Clark: Hey, Brad, why don't you be a stud and point us toward the register? Or register-er!
 * Brad: My team practices today at 5! Swing by if you she-men want to lose!
 * [He punches a dummy]
 * Richie: You can't handle the truth!
 * Brad: Bring it!
 * Clark: SUCK IT!




 * Kyle: I'm gonna call the cops!
 * Clark: We are the cops! We're Navy Seals!
 * Kyle: Navy Seals aren't cops!
 * Troy: Aren't you our paperboy?
 * Clark: I'm undercover.




 * Kyle: Time to meet your makers!
 * Clark: Makers of what? Poop?




 * Wayne: Is that beer?
 * Carlos: [stumbling] No it's Gatorade, honkey. just give me the ball.




 * Mel: Now, Richie, do you have any kids?
 * Richie: Never had a date.
 * Mel: Clark?
 * Clark: Never spoke to a girl.
 * Mel: Gu... [Pauses a bit, realizing that what Clark said was weird] Gus?
 * Gus: Uh, my wife and I are kind of working on it.




 * Richie: Clark, we don't play baseball.
 * Clark: I told Gus we'd be there, Richie. And if we don't go, that makes me a liar. And that's not what I'm about. Not now, NOT EVER!


 * Kid catcher: One out! Gonna be two outs!
 * Richie: Yeah, I bet you're a really good catcher...of doughnuts in your mouth.
 * [After 2 strikes, he gets a foul tick]
 * Kid catcher: I caught it. You're out.
 * Richie: But I ticked it! It hit the bat!
 * Kid catcher: You're still out.
 * Richie: You're still fat!




 * Gus: [to Nelson] Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?
 * Mel: Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.
 * Nelson: I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.
 * Clark: When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.
 * Nelson: His son just did that to me last week!




 * Clark: This car is so radical. Looks just like K.I.T.T. from the show Knight Rider.
 * Mel: It is K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. Watch this. [Mel activates the car with his watch]
 * K.I.T.T: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I.T.T.
 * Richie: [to Mel] Who are you?
 * Mel: Oh, I'm just once of those nerds who grew up...to make billions.

 [After Clark throws a baseball bat and accidentally falls into Karl’s car windshield]
 * Karl: THAT’S MY MIATA! KILL HIM!

Cast

 * Rob Schneider as Gus
 * David Spade as Richie
 * Jon Heder as Clark
 * Jon Lovitz as Mel
 * Nick Swardson as Howie
 * Craig Kilborn as Jerry
 * Molly Sims as Liz
 * Tim Meadows as Wayne
 * Amaury Nolasco as Carlos
 * Bill Romanowski as Karl
 * Reggie Jackson as Himself
 * Max Padro as Nelson
 * Danny McCarthy as Troy
 * Sean Salisbury as Brad
 * Matt Weinberg as Kyle
 * John P. Farley as Swimmer Boy
 * Terry Crews as Steven (Poker Guy #1)
 * Dennis Dugan as Coach Bellows
 * Joe Gnoffo as Marcus Elwood