The Big Bang Theory (season 9)


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The Big Bang Theory (2007–19) is an American television sitcom, aired on CBS, centering on the lives of two physicists, their neighbor, an aspiring actress and waitress at The Cheesecake Factory and two friends/coworkers at their university.



The Matrimonial Momentum [9.01]

 * Penny: So what package were you thinking?
 * Leonard: Well this one comes with music and flowers. Oh, and they even stream the whole thing live on the internet.
 * Penny: Why would we want that?
 * Leonard: Cause there's a lot of gorgeous blondes out there who don't believe they can land a short, near-sighted scientist? Let's give them hope.
 * Penny: Whatever. Put us on the internet. I've always wanted a wedding with a comments section.


 * Mary: Don't send it back yet. Your sister's married and I'm not letting your brother give my grandmother's ring to that whore he's dating.
 * Sheldon: Wasn't Mary Magdalene a woman of ill repute?
 * Mary: When your idiot brother redeems mankind he can date whoever he wants.

The Separation Oscillation [9.02]

 * Sheldon: The show must go on, and thankfully all the things my girlfriend used to do can be taken care of with my right hand.


 * Howard: Why are marine biologists always so cute?
 * Raj: I don't know, but I'd like to get lost in her Bermuda Triangle.
 * Leonard: That's not helpful.
 * Howard: Then I won't say I'd like to cover three quarters of her surface area.
 * Leonard: Are you done?
 * Raj: Not yet, this is fun! Ooh, I know... I'd let her free my Willy.
 * [Leonard gets up]
 * Raj: Where are you going?
 * Leonard: Going to ask her if she'd be willing to talk to Penny. Tell her she has nothing to worry about.
 * Howard: Leonard wait.
 * Leonard: What?
 * Howard: I'd like to spongebob her squarepants.
 * Raj: Now we are done.

The Bachelor Party Corrosion [9.03]

 * Howard: I bet he picked up a lot of cute grad students in this bad boy.
 * Sheldon: And talked about physics with them!


 * [The boys are performing percussive shock to the tune of “We Will Rock You.]
 * Howard: [Singing in the tune of “We Will Rock You”] We will, we will percussive shock you! [Leonard and Raj join in for the second chorus.] We will, we will percussive shock you!
 * [Sheldon begins singing the verse to “We Will Rock You” in falsetto while Leonard, Howard, and Raj watch in bewilderment.]
 * Sheldon: I have an eidetic memory; sometimes it can be a curse.

The 2003 Approximation [9.04]

 * Sheldon: Blue Icees and a trip to the container store? It's like I died and went to the postmortem neuron induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.
 * Leonard: I still don't understand why you bought that pill caddy, you're a young man.
 * Sheldon: Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here, I'm 90.


 * Sheldon: I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.
 * Amy: I don't think that was the point of the movie.
 * Sheldon: Fine! I was like Pinocchio who that jerk Geppetto went and made him a real boy.
 * Amy: There you go.

The Perspiration Implementation [9.05]

 * Barry: Gentlemen, welcome to the fencing club. Before we start, I just want to warn you, fencing isn't a joke. I hope you're not here because you think it's going to be like Star Wars.
 * Leonard: That's not why we're here.
 * Raj: Yeah, I'm here because I think it's gonna be like Game of Thrones.
 * Howard: And maybe a little Princess Bride.
 * Raj: Ooh, ooh! I forgot about Princess Bride! That's my answer!


 * Sheldon: Excuse me, Barry?
 * Barry: Yes?
 * Sheldon: When can I stab one of my friends?
 * Barry: In fencing, we don't call it a stab. We call it a touch.
 * Sheldon: Uh, yes, I'm aware. But if I say I want to touch one of my friends, I'll get called into Human Resources.

The Helium Insufficiency [9.06]

 * Barry: Be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you do this for me?
 * Leonard: Yes.
 * Sheldon: No chance.
 * Leonard: What are you doing?
 * Sheldon: He said be honest, so I was honest. Didn't your mother tell you? It's the best policy.


 * Howard: What was wrong with that guy?
 * Raj: Um, he's Indian. We've already got one of those.

The Spock Resonance [9.07]

 * Wil Wheaton: Hey Sheldon. This is Adam Nimoy.
 * Adam Nimoy: Nice to meet you.
 * Sheldon: Oh, it's nice to meet you. I admire your father's work very much. It's not every day I get to meet someone whose life journey began in my hero's scrotum.
 * Wil Wheaton: [quietly aside to Adam Nimoy] I told you this guy is gold.


 * [Sheldon is showing the valuables he keeps in his lock box]
 * Sheldon: [bringing out each item] My passport. My Wil.
 * Leonard: You have a will?
 * Sheldon: Yeah, my one-eighteenth scale Wil Wheaton action figure. Yeah, I also have the other kind of will, and in it, I will my Wil back to Wil.
 * Leonard: Will Wil want it?
 * Wil Wheaton: Wil won't.

The Mystery Date Observation [9.08]

 * Amy: Some people think the sexiest organ is the brain.
 * Penny: No one ever bought me drinks at a bar because my brain just popped out of my shirt.


 * Amy: If you don't mind me asking, why did you and your wife split up?
 * Dave: Oh, you know how it is. We wanted different things. I wanted children, and she wanted a pastry chef named Jean-Philippe.
 * Amy: Oh, I'm, I'm so sorry.
 * Dave: Ah, that's fine. That's why I left England. It reminded me too much of her - cold, gloomy and easily accessed by a Frenchman through a tunnel.

The Platonic Permutation [9.09]

 * Sheldon: If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, a list would be at the top of that list.


 * Sheldon: I excel at many things, but getting over you isn't one of them. It's best we stay friends.

The Earworm Reverberation [9.10]

 * [Sheldon and Leonard are working on calculations. Sheldon hums the beginning of Darlin']
 * Leonard: Since when do you hum songs?
 * Sheldon: What are you talking about?
 * Leonard: You were just humming.
 * Sheldon: Are you sure? Sometimes when my brain really gets moving it makes noise.
 * Leonard: How does your brain feel about calculating the surface tension of the domain walls?
 * Sheldon: Let's see... [starts humming again] Hey! I was humming. One point for Hufflepuff.


 * Bernadette: He spent an entire date talking about how much he loves Sheldon.
 * Amy: It's nothing Sheldon hasn't done before.

The Opening Night Excitation [9.11]

 * [Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj are trying to buy tickets for the opening night of Star Wars]
 * Sheldon: The website's frozen. I can't get in.
 * Leonard: Same here.
 * Raj: Guys, they're going to sell out!
 * Howard: What are we gonna do?
 * Sheldon: Alright. This goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. [Kneels on the floor in a prayer stance] Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You're good friends with my mom. I know I've spent my life denying that you exist...
 * Howard: Got them!
 * Sheldon: ...and I will continue to do so!


 * Amy: I'm just... really nervous.
 * Sheldon: Why?
 * Amy: I've been waiting for this for so long. I've just built it up in my head. I don't know what to expect.
 * Sheldon: Neither do I. But... we can find out together.

The Sales Call Sublimation [9.12]

 * Sheldon: Good news gentlemen! Amy's at a conference this weekend, which means I'm available to be entertained. As today's youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?
 * Howard: Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, that sounds awful. Raj?
 * Raj: I've got time booked in the telescope room all weekend, scanning for rogue planets. You're more than welcome to join me.
 * Sheldon: That's the one to beat! Leonard?
 * Leonard: Oh, if anything, I'm trying to get my Sheld-off.
 * Sheldon: Well then, it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.
 * Raj: Well, I should warn you, it's just looking at data for hours and hours on a computer screen.
 * Sheldon: Stop selling it kid, you won.


 * Howard: Too busy to call? He wasn't too busy to binge-watch Hot in Cleveland with my Hulu password!

The Empathy Optimization [9.13]

 * Penny: Hey, so I saw a movie trailer the other day, How could Batman possibly fight Superman? Isn't that dumb!
 * Bernadette: Maybe he uses kryptonite.
 * Emily: Well, Batman's got a lot of money; maybe he builds a suit that can do everything Superman can do.
 * Penny: No, no, no, no, no, I've seen that movie. It's called Iron Man.
 * [the guys are stupefied]
 * Leonard: What is happening?
 * Howard: I don't know.
 * Raj: But it's beautiful.
 * Penny: How's Ben Affleck as Batman?
 * Emily: Oh, he was great in Shakespeare in Love.
 * Penny: Ooh, we should watch that next girls' night.
 * Bernadette: We could do a double feature with the Leonardo DiCaprio Romeo and Juliet.
 * Penny: Oh, I love me some Leo.
 * Leonard: And it's gone.


 * Amy: Hi Sheldon, what's new?
 * Sheldon: My friends are jerks and I'm mad at all of them.
 * Amy: I said "what's new," but sure...

The Meemaw Materialization [9.14]

 * Penny: You know, the last time I got a handwritten letter was from someone who told me I parked like a blind person.
 * Leonard: That someone has a name.
 * Sheldon: Thank you.


 * Meemaw: No wine for me. Sheldon's bringing me my whiskey.
 * Sheldon: There you go, Meemaw. I made it just how you like it. A lot, in a glass.

The Valentino Submergence [9.15]

 * Raj: You say it like it's easy! Has any one of you ever broken up with anyone?
 * Howard: No.
 * Leonard: Not really.
 * Sheldon: You know, once I ordered an Uber by accident, and I just got in and went somewhere.


 * Howard: Should we name him?
 * Bernadette: It is Valentine's Day. How about Valentino?
 * Howard: Nice. A classic rabbit name. Peter Rabbit, Roger Rabbit. Valentino Wolowitz Rabbit. Oh, look at all that chest hair and overbite. Of course you're a Wolowitz.

The Positive Negative Reaction [9.16]

 * Leonard: What's going on?
 * Howard: I'm going to be a father.
 * Leonard: Congratulations!
 * Sheldon: Oh no!
 * Leonard: Why "Oh no"?
 * Sheldon: Because this changes everything! You know, what about comic book night? What about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?
 * Leonard: Relax, there's room for two babies in this group.
 * Sheldon: O dear luck, Penny's pregnant too?
 * Leonard: You're the other baby!
 * Sheldon: Oh really? Well, would a baby have to shave once every eleven days?
 * Leonard: Would an adult refuse to eat his Graham crackers because one of them was broken?
 * Sheldon: I guess we'll call this a draw.


 * Howard: Okay, how about this for an invention? Slightly bigger cocktail umbrellas?
 * Leonard: How is that a new invention?
 * Howard: I don't know. All Apple does is change the size of things and we keep buying them.

The Celebration Experimentation [9.17]

 * Howard: Really? You're ahead of Bale? The man who personified the words, "I'm Batman"?
 * Adam West: I never had to say I'm Batman. I showed up. People knew I was Batman. Everywhere I went. On the TV show, mall openings, Julie Newmar's bungalow.
 * Leonard: I'm sold- you're ahead of Bale.
 * Adam West: There's another reason I should be higher on the list. All those other guys had muscles built into their costumes. All I had in my Batsuit was 100%, grade-A West.

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 * Penny: All right, what about music?
 * Sheldon: I enjoy marching bands and Tibetan throat music.
 * Penny: No music it is.

The Application Deterioration [9.18]

 * [Howard, Leonard and Sheldon are waiting at the patenting office]
 * Howard: Okay, I've got to ask, why are you wearing a bow-tie?
 * Sheldon: I've never applied for a patent before. I wanted to make a good impression.
 * Howard: Is the impression that your first name is Peewee?
 * [Leonard laughs]
 * Sheldon: Yeah, well you're an engineer. End of joke. Burn!

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 * Penny: Hang on, what if Sheldon had no choice but to be respectful?
 * Leonard: Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don't know about?

The Solder Excursion Diversion [9.19]

 * Leonard: Soup, sandwiches, and emasculation. Just like my mom used to make.

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 * Penny: Oh, they went to the store to get solder. Which is metal you melt to make science things.

The Big Bear Precipitation [9.20]

 * Penny: That's not what the forest smells like.
 * Sheldon: Well how would I know?

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 * Sheldon: We'll never win. You always play the drinking game.

The Viewing Party Combustion [9.21]

 * Sheldon: A party sub implies it's a party.
 * Leonard: Your attendance implies that it's not.
 * Sheldon: I like a party as much as the next man. As long as the next man doesn't like a party.

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 * Leonard: If Sheldon’s testosterone dipped he’d become a butterfly.

The Fermentation Bifurcation [9.22]

 * [The guys are telling Zack about their prototype navigation system.]
 * Howard: You can put it in a satellite or a rocket and it'll run forever.
 * Zack: Cool. Could it be used for missiles and war stuff?
 * Howard: Yee-ah. But we didn't create it for weapons.
 * Leonard: And I doubt that the military would be interested in our little guidance system.
 * Zack: Is it better than the one they use now?
 * Leonard and Howard: [together] "Way more." "A lotǃ"
 * Zack: Huh. You sure you guys are smart?

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 * Sheldon: Leonard, friends are like toilet paper. It's good to have extras under the sink.

The Line Substitution Solution [9.23]

 * Sheldon: You know the golden rule of line etiquette. No cuts, no butts, no coconuts.

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 * Raj: Boy, all this standing is making me tired. Good thing I brought my collapsible stick-chair!
 * Howard: Stick-chair? You look like an idiot on that thing.
 * Raj: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chairs on sticks are comfy.

The Convergence Convergence [9.24]

 * Beverly: How dare you invite your father without consulting me.
 * Leonard: Sorry but I don't think I need your permission to have my father at my wedding.
 * Beverly: You do understand that our marriage ended because he had an affair.
 * Leonard: I know and there is no excuse for that.
 * Beverly: He claimed I was cold, emasculating, and hadn't shown him any physical affection for years.
 * Leonard: [To himself] I was wrong, there are three excuses for that.

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 * Mary: So Alfred, what is it that you do for a living?
 * Alfred Hofstadter: Oh, I'm an anthropologist. I study ancient peoples and cultures.
 * Mary: My goodness, so all the way back to the Flood.
 * [Alfred laughs]
 * Sheldon: Don't laugh. She wasn't joking.
 * Amy: Play with your phone.
 * Alfred: Well, on that note there are many cultures that have an apocalyptic flood as a part of their mythology.
 * Mary: I don't have a mythology. I have the unerring Word of God. But that's very interesting.
 * Alfred: Oh. I don't mean to disparage your faith. Actually I admire it.
 * Mary: Really?
 * Alfred: Yes, I'm an agnostic myself, but I prayed, many times, to God to turn my wife into a pillar of salt.
 * Mary: Well, he came close. Turned her into a giant block of ice.