The Brittas Empire

The Brittas Empire (1991-1997) is a BBC sitcom created by Andrew Norriss and Richard Fegen, and starring Chris Barrie as Gordon Brittas.

Laying of the Foundations

 * [First lines. Helen Brittas is working in the kitchen at the Brittas family home when her husband, Gordon, walks in wearing a suit and tie, and carrying a suitcase]
 * Brittas: How do I look?
 * Helen: You look fine, dear, very smart.
 * Brittas: Well, first day, you got to set the standards. God, we're lucky! We've got so much, haven't we? (Puts his arm round Helen who drops a mug into the sink) Not just each other, but the job, the house, the children. Who's the little one?
 * Helen: That's Tom.
 * [Gordon and Helen can see the children playing outside in the back garden]
 * Brittas: No no, I meant this chap here.
 * Helen: I dunno, it must be the little boy from next door or something.
 * Brittas: I think I'll just pop out and tell 'em I'm off.
 * Helen: Oh, do you have to do? They seem to be enjoying themselves.
 * Brittas: Shan't be a minute. (Goes out into the back garden)
 * Helen: (sighs) Oh, dear. (Continues to do the washing and watches as Gordon goes to speak to the children)
 * Brittas: Good morning, good morning, good morning, lads. Now, allow me by the benefit of my experience to show you exactly how you can prove your game. (Takes one of the children's cricket bats) I'll take this. You go stand in the gully. You stand in the gully just there, all right? Now for start, three fingers apart. Okay, come on, big lad, give me one. Send one down, nice and fierce, alright? I'll show you. (Swings the bat) You see? That's the kind. You've got to follow through, you see, and make sure you go nicely apart.
 * [The boy in the black t-shirt takes back his cricket bat]
 * Pam's Son: Dad!
 * Brittas: Give me the bat back.
 * Pam's Son: You'll ruin the game.
 * Brittas: Give me the bat back.
 * Pam's Son: No!
 * Brittas: Give me it back. I have not finished my demonstration.
 * Pam's Son: No!
 * Brittas: You can improve your game, give me it back.
 * Pam's Son: No!
 * Brittas: Give... (Tom whacks him with the cricket bat) Oh!
 * [Meanwhile, Helen, who has seen all the action, hears the doorbell ring]
 * Brittas: [from outside] I'll have that, thank you very much indeed.
 * Pam: I'm from next door. I'm afraid my little boy has got into your garden.
 * '[Helen returns to the kitchen with Pam, the Brittas family's next door neighbour]
 * Helen: Do come in. He's yours, is he? Sorry. (Picks up a box)
 * Pam: Well there's a hole in the fence, you see, and I told him to wait until you've settled in but I just hope he's not being a nuisance.
 * Helen: No, no, they're playing beautifully together.


 * Laura: Laura Lancing, Deputy Manager Dry.
 * Colin: Colin Weatherby, Deputy Manager, wet.


 * [Gordon Brittas' approach to management is antagonising a lot of people]
 * Brittas: I think we'll just have to manage without a cleaning lady for today.
 * Laura: No, she's going for good, and her husband with her. He's the heating engineer, and he's turned off all the boilers. The building inspector says he can't give a building worthiness certificate until he's seen the heating in action, and he wants you to know that he can't come again for a fortnight.
 * Brittas: All I can say is: thank God I got here today! Just imagine if all this had happened yesterday with no one to sort it out, eh?

The Opening Day

 * Brittas: This is a leisure centre for the community, Colin! We can't have people strolling in off the street!

Bye Bye Baby
Laura has just found Carole's baby in a drawer
 * Laura: You know what Brittas said: if he found it in here again, he'd confiscate it.

 A long queue has built up at reception, with Brittas behind the desk
 * Man in queue: (grabs Brittas by the collar) I've been invited to give a lecture here, and unless you tell me in the next thirty seconds where I'm supposed to go, I'm going to take you outside and set fire to you! Understand?
 * Brittas: (calmly) Mr Owen?
 * Man: Right!
 * Brittas: Mr Ken Owen? "Tranquillity Without Drugs"?

Underwater Wedding

 * Brittas: Semper Omnibus Facultas. Don't you understand what that means?

Stop Thief!
Helen's plan for marriage guidance are conflicting with her husband's surveillance operation
 * Brittas: Let's see now. When are we free?
 * Helen: No, it has to be now, Gordon.
 * Brittas: Ooh, bit tricky, darling. I'm supposed to be hiding in a locker in the staff changing room.

Assassin

 * Gavin: I've just seen Larry Whittaker. He says he's going to kill Brittas!
 * Tim: I've always liked Larry.

Back from the Dead
Apparently Brittas will not be returning from the sports conference
 * Helen: He's dead.
 * Julie: I thought he was in Bulgaria.
 * Helen: Yes, he's dead in Bulgaria.

 Brittas discovers his wife thinks he's dead
 * Brittas: Poor Helen! She must have been through hell. Look, I'd better get back and give her the good news.
 * Laura: Would you like me to ring her?
 * Brittas: No, thanks, Laura. I'd rather do it myself. This sort of thing can be a bit of a shock if it's not done properly. (exit)
 * Laura: (to Linda) Phone Helen!

Temple of the Body
From now on, all female members of staff will be chaperoned after dark, except Carole
 * Brittas: Obviously, whatever hanky panky is going on will be with the younger, more attractive women. So, nothing for you to worry about. Happy now?

 Brittas has discovered that Carole is living in a cupboard in the centre
 * Carole: I thought you'd throw me out.
 * Brittas: Throw you out, Carole? What do you think I am?
 * Carole: Sorry, Mr Brittas.
 * Brittas: Of course I'd throw you out!

An Inspector Calls

 * Brittas: Only last month, I set up a brand new course to help the overweight come to terms with their self-image. First week, we have a light-hearted session with a measuring tape, and second week no one bothers to turn up!

Set in Concrete
Brittas is standing with his feet set in a block of concrete
 * Julie: Put you in a pair of shorts, and we'd be all set for a game of Subbuteo!

Mums and Dads
With the grand piano stuck in reception, Brittas decides to hold the concert there and fit the audience around it
 * Laura: They've paid rather a lot of money, haven't they?
 * Brittas: It's a charity concert, Laura. People don't come to hear the music.

Safety First
Councillor Dapping does not think Brittas' request is a reasonable one
 * Brittas: Well, if you're the one prepared to go on the six o'clock news surrounded by bodies, having to admit to Kate Adie you didn't think a proper fire escape was necessary...
 * Councillor Dapping: That's the risk I'll just have to take, Mr Brittas. I'll put your views to the committee, with my personal recommendation...that they take no notice whatsoever.

New Generations

 * Brittas: You're eight and a half months pregnant and you haven't seen a doctor?
 * Carole: I suppose I...I hoped it would go away.


 * Helen: Could you give this to my husband? (hands her a note)
 * Laura: Yes, of course.
 * Helen: It's just to tell him it's fish cakes for supper and I'm pregnant.
 * Laura: You're what?!
 * Helen: Well, after today's events, I thought the news had rather lost its novelty value, but someone ought to tell him.

The Trial

 * Brittas: Carole, can I have the solvent please?
 * Colin: It's no good, Mr Brittas.
 * Brittas: Pardon?
 * Colin: She's in a trance. I think she's having another vision.
 * Brittas: Well, do you think we could wake her up, Colin? I need the solvent.
 * Colin: I don't think that would be wise, Mr Brittas.
 * Carole: No, no, not more blood in here. Not in here, please!
 * Brittas: Colin, the borough council employs Carole 'cause of her skills as a receptionist, not 'cause she claims to see into next week with an eye in the middle of her forehead. Wake her up, will you?


 * Colin: Mr Brittas?
 * Brittas: What is it now?
 * Colin: You've got a telephone stuck to your ear, Mr Brittas.
 * Brittas: I am aware of that, Colin!


 * Brittas: One gun...white powder...£650,000...right, lost property forms!

That Creeping Feeling
Julie thinks the silent treatment is not getting through to Mr Brittas
 * Julie: We need something much more drastic!
 * Tim: Like what?
 * Julie: Like...like total no co-operation! Anything he wants done, just don't do it!
 * Tim: Well, you don't anyway, do you?

 Having dismissed the regular teacher for alleged sexism, Mr Brittas is taking the ante-natal class himself
 * Brittas: And while we're thinking these gentle positive thoughts, let's remember Dad, because he sometimes gets left out, doesn't he? Let's remember Jim, eh, Brenda? And hope his worries over redundancy and the fall-off in the motor trade prove unfounded. Let's remember Bob, shall we, Elaine? And we all hope you hear some news of him before too long.

Laura's Leaving
Mr Brittas is composing a speech on his Dictaphone
 * Brittas: Where else but in a leisure centre can we draw together the troubled strands of our society? Where else will you find young and old, of every class and race, playing with each other on the gymnasium floor?

Two Little Boys
Horatio is having doubts about his suitability for the priesthood
 * Horatio: You know I get hecklers during my sermons? I've had godparents trying to throttle me against the font! Three weeks ago, someone fired a shotgun at me just while I was announcing a hymn!
 * Brittas: We all have little setbacks, you know.


 * Brittas: You can't judge a place by a couple of headlines in the national press.

Sex, Lies and Red Tape
Mr Brittas is doing a sponsored silence
 * Laura: He's promised not to speak for eight hours.
 * Carole: Eight hours? But how on earth will he do all his managing?
 * Laura: D'you know, it hasn't made as much different as you'd have thought?

The Stuff of Dreams

 * Brittas: Everyone seems to know who I am.
 * Laura: Colin didn't recognise you.
 * Brittas: Hardly reassuring from a man who's just dreamt he's an eagle with mange.


 * Brittas: I wonder, could you have a quick word with young Linda for me, please.
 * Laura: Of course. Anything in particular?
 * Brittas: I need her to unlock the stationery cupboard. I need to get my clothes out.
 * Laura: Can't you ask her?
 * Brittas: I have, several times, but she refuses to come out.

Not a Good Day

 * Brittas: Sebastian Coe, Colin! This is Sebastian Coe OBE MP!
 * Colin: Yes, Mr Brittas.
 * Brittas: And you have chained him by the ankle to a staircase.

 Mr Brittas and Laura survey the aftermath of the siege
 * Brittas: Today was going to be such a good day. I woke up this morning, and my heart filled with thoughts of all the joyous, wonderful things we were going to give to people when they came through these doors. And now...
 * Laura: Now we haven't got any doors.

The Christening
Rehearsal for the christening, and confusion mounts over who is representing who
 * Brittas: Look, there is no need for anyone to think. It's all perfectly simple, I'll go through it one more time. I am the Reverend Horatio Brittas. Laura is Mrs Brittas, my wife. Colin is me, except for when he is standing over here with a candle, when he is Colin. Tim is Uncle Herbert, Matthew's main godparent, who'll be joining us from Godalming later. And he and Laura, who is Mark's main godparent, and who in these circumstances is Linda, come back and collect the babies from me who is Colin and Mrs Brittas who is Laura. What could be simpler?

 Mr Brittas does not like the woman his brother wants to marry
 * Brittas: You know, Laura, there are some people in this world (mercifully, not too many) who can walk into a building full of happy, contented people, and just create chaos! They probably don't mean to. They probably think they're trying to help, but the end result...(imitates explosion sound) Know what I mean?
 * Laura: Yes, I think I do.

Biggles Tells a Lie

 * Brittas: He's been telling lies, and to his own daughter!
 * Laura: He just didn't want her to get hurt.
 * Brittas: That's how it always starts, Laura. You think lies are going to make things easier, so you tell the policeman you don't know what speed you were doing, you keep the 10p you found on the pavement, you tell the Poppy Day lady you've already given. Next thing you know, you're fiddling your tax and taking paperclips home from work!

Playing with Fire

 * [Colin has built a methane digester, connected to the staff toilet]
 * Colin: I'm not just going through the motions!


 * [Gavin's mentally unstable fiancée has turned up unexpectedly]
 * Gavin: The important thing is not to let her get upset or frustrated.
 * Laura: Absolutely. We mustn't let her get angry...where's Mr Brittas?

Shall We Dance?
Brittas wants all the staff to take someone to the dance
 * Linda: I could ask Edward. I'm sure he'd come. We were at school together.
 * Brittas: Thank you, Linda. See, that wasn't difficult. Why can't you do that, Tim?
 * Tim: Well, Edward's already going with Linda.

 Helen has returned from her holiday, covered in vomit
 * Helen: God, what a journey! Four children projectile-vomiting non-stop from St Austell!
 * Carole: Oh, dear. Are they ill?
 * Helen: I think it was the crab they ate yesterday.
 * Carole: Oh, you have to be so careful in restaurants, don't you?
 * Helen: They'd have been fine in a restaurant. This was a dead one they found on the beach.

High Noon

 * Laura: How are you?
 * Helen: Not so bad...well, fairly bad. You know Carole's living with us now...and her children...and Gordon.

The Old, Old Story
The newly-rebuilt leisure centre is hosting Songs of Praise
 * Brittas: So, our problem is that shortly we will have some 800 people rehearsing hymns in our gymnasium, all of whom will want to use the resources of this leisure centre. And our job is to make sure they don't.

 Councillor Drugget has appeared at the centre on crutches, and apparently Brittas is to blame
 * Councillor Drugget: Next time he shouts "Oi, you", I shan't waste any time thinking, "What's he on about now?" I shall simply step back before the scaffolding pole lands on my foot.

Brussels Calling

 * Laura: You've tryed to kill a teacher?
 * Helen: I wasn't trying to kill him, Laura, my foot slipped!

<hr width="50%"/> Brittas is delivering a speech in Brussels, in broken French
 * Brittas: Monsieur le President, Monseigneur, mesdames, messieurs, fellow Europeans. J'ai un rêve, un rêve qu'un jour tout le monde sera...as one.

The Lies Have It

 * Brittas: On seeing a potential hazard, we think about it, don't we? We identify the problems. Then we tell the rest of the team. "Think, Identify, Tell".
 * Tim: TIT!
 * Brittas: I'm sorry, Tim?
 * Tim: I said "tit", Mr Brittas.
 * Gavin: It's a mnemonic, Mr Brittas.

Pregnant!

 * Linda: (beaming) Me? Pregnant?
 * Brittas: No question of doubt. It's down here in black and white.
 * Linda: Oh, I don't mind what colour it is, as long as it's a baby!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Brittas: Timothy, you're a woman, aren't you?
 * Tim: (pauses) I'm a what?
 * Brittas: I have the lab report on your sample, Tim. By the way, you're also pregnant.

UXB
Helen needs to tell her husband she is leaving him
 * Helen: I can't see him till 10, can I?
 * Laura: Why not?
 * Helen: It takes half an hour for the pills to work!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Laura: If you remember, Mr Brittas, you told the ambulance men to come round to the back in future. You thought it was better for morale.

The Last Day
Brittas is making an important tannoy announcement, in the manner of Neville Chamberlain's famous broadcast
 * Brittas: I am speaking to you from my office on the first floor, on a matter of grave importance. As you know, I was recently appointed Commissioner for Sport and representative of Her Britannic Majesty in the European Union. What you may not know is that for some days, I have been in dispute with the German delegation, concerning the extent of their contribution, and it was to this end that I delivered yesterday an ultimatum to the Germans, that if I did not have an official assurance by 12 noon today, a spirit of friendship and co-operation would no longer exist between us, making me unable to accept my new position. I have to tell you now that no such assurance has been received, and therefore I am standing down as Commissioner for Sport.

Christmas Special: In the Beginning
Due to the snowstorm, Brittas refuses to allow his staff to leave the centre, and a lorry has crashed into the badminton hall
 * Brittas: Laura, how's the lorry driver?
 * Laura: Yeah, I gave him your message about staying, Mr Brittas, but he said he'd rather take his chances in the snow.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Julie: Why can't we use the canteen?
 * Brittas: If you remember, Julie, the canteen was sealed by the police until after the inquests.
 * Gavin: If there's food in there...
 * Laura: I spoke to one of the forensic scientists, Gavin. You wouldn't want to touch it.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Brittas: Every time I walk into a room, a fight seems to break out.

Back with a Bang
Colin has made a scale model of the leisure centre, with a little figure representing Brittas
 * Brittas: Why am I holding up a green flag?
 * Colin: He's out of my train set, Mr Brittas.
 * Brittas: He doesn't look very like me.
 * Tim: Oh, I don't know. He's waving his arms about, blowing a whistle, nobody's taking any notice, and he's entirely made out of plastic.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Brittas: The details are coming back. That coffin was very cramped. Most uncomfortable. I suspect it didn't conform to European standards.

Body Language
Carole is holding a fancy dress birthday party for Ben, in the cupboard
 * Carole: It's an ugly bug ball. I've sewn Ben into a pillowcase. He's going as a chrysalis. He's in there pupating at the moment.

<hr width="50%"/> Colin suggests Brittas try communicating with the block of ice, suspecting alien intelligence
 * Brittas: I don't know if you've come from another planet, or if you can understand me, but if you have, and if you can, I'd like you to know that you have effected an unauthorised entry into this leisure centre, which is in clear breach of the council by-laws, incurring automatic membership suspension. Also, you're gonna have to pay for this damage!

At the Double

 * American: We represent the First National Church of Chattanooga. Do I have the pleasure of speaking to Mr Gordon Bright-ass?

<hr width="50%"/> Penny suggests dressing up, to make Helen's marriage more exciting
 * Helen: We went to a Vicars and Tarts party once. I went as the vicar, and he went as a Bakewell tart. The dog was all over him.

A Walk on the Wildside
Mr Brittas arrives at Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre with a wheel and a hose round his neck
 * Colin: Interesting walk, Mr Brittas?
 * Brittas: Incident-packed, Colin, though not interesting per se. Certainly not as interesting as walk number 27.
 * Colin: Ah, yes, the roundabouts of Whitbury. Their verges and their bollards... Fascinating stuff.
 * Brittas: A heady brew for any walker. Give me a hand with this, will you?
 * Colin: Certainly, Mr Brittas... (Starts removing the hose and wheel around Mr Brittas' neck) I've done two more walks myself, Mr Brittas, for your research.
 * Brittas: Good man! Debrief in my office, ten minutes.
 * Colin: Wilco, Mr Brittas. I've also rigged up the "Face in the Crowd" display, but I'm afraid I have to report that. Mrs Bidmead has defaced the poster.
 *  (Colin shows Brittas the writing that reads "EXCEPT THE SAUNA AND SOLARIUM")
 * Brittas: Dear, oh dear, oh dear!
 * Colin: Shall I call the police?
 * Brittas: Not yet, Colin, I'd better look into the matter first.
 * Colin: If it should come to court, Mr Brittas, Carole here was a witness to the whole event.
 *  (Brittas turns to Carole)
 * Brittas: Is this true, Carole?
 * Carole: Yes, Mr Brittas.
 * Colin: In fact, it was Carole who lent her the pen.
 * Brittas: Really, Carole?
 * Carole: Well, I suppose so...
 * Brittas: So you are in fact an accessory to this alleged act of vandalism?
 * Carole: Well, I suppose...
 * Brittas: I would be careful what you say, Carole. I shall, of course, be holding a fully internal inquiry, but I'd strongly advise you not to say anything at all till you've spoken to your legal representative.
 * Carole: Yes, Mr Brittas...

<hr width="50%"/> Julie enters Brittas' office with some old maps while Colin attends to the coffee
 * Julie: Got them old maps you wanted.
 * Brittas: Eeeeeexcellent.
 * Julie: And Brussels phoned to see how you're getting on with your "Walks for Health." Apparently, they're getting a very good response from leisure centres throughout Europe.
 * Brittas: Good.
 * Julie: There's mad buggers wandering all over the place! And the Germans have already marched through Poland.
 * Brittas: Yes, alright, Julie, that's a commentary on walk number 38.
 * Julie: More? I'm gonna induce myself banging away on that keyboard all day, every day.
 * Brittas: Er, Julie...
 * Julie: What?
 * Brittas: Send a copy to the liaison office at the Ramblers Association, I'm keeping them au fait with the developments...
 * Julie: Yeah, yeah... (exits the office)

<hr width="50%"/> Colin explains his philosophy of antibody-building to Carole
 * Colin: As I always say: a disease a day keeps the doctor away.

<hr width="50%"/> ''A man is holding the Face in the Crowd Competition poster as he tries to take a picture of the man circled on the poster and his family in the swimming pool. The man in the pool is wearing a ring around his head''
 * Man: Arms wide open, head back, a bit lower... (He and his family smile for the camera just as Mr Brittas and Gavin enter the swimming pool)
 * Brittas: So Mrs Bidmead didn't take it?
 * Gavin: Not as far as I know, Mr Brittas, no.
 * Man: Right everybody, positions.
 * Brittas: I might have known, it's you!
 * Man: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
 * Brittas: So now, you've added theft to your list of criminal activities, have you? (Points to the poster) That poster is Leisure Centre property. It's also central to an inquiry that I'm currently... (The poster goes in the water) You've really done it now! How can I continue my inquiry now you've destroyed the vital evidence. You are guilty of perverting the course of justice, so I have no alternative but to ban you from this leisure centre for the rest of your natural life.
 * Colin: Mr Brittas, I've... hit a bit of a snag. (Rushes into the changing rooms)

<hr width="50%"/> Brittas is getting rid of some people in the reception area as Helen comes down with Harry
 * Brittas: Let's go, please.
 * Helen: Er, Gordon?
 * Brittas: In a moment, my darling, just getting rid of these trespassers. (to the trespassers) Out you go, please... Out you go! Out you go there. (to Gavin) Right, Gavin, we are now in a position to close the Centre on the grounds that it is in fact a plague zone.
 * Gavin: Right, Mr Brittas.
 * Brittas: Right.
 * Helen: Gordon, could you come here a moment, please?
 * Brittas: Yes, my angel! (Walks up to Helen)
 * Helen: I don't know quite how to put this...
 *  (The man who was in the pool enters)
 * Man: Oi, pillock! I've had enough!
 * Brittas: (pointing to the man angrily) YOU are banned for life! Gavin, I thought we'd thrown him out.
 * Man: You can't ban me, I'm on a public right of way!
 * Brittas: Naaaaaaaahhh. (Points to the man) That's is where you are wrong, squire. Gavin, eject him forthwith!
 *  (Then, Tim comes in, panicking)
 * Tim: I'm panicking! I'm panicking! I'm panicking! I've seen him... The Grim Reaper, we're all gonna die!
 *  (As Tim says "we're all gonna die", the man who was in the pool throws the ring at Brittas who ducks, but the ring hits the rope holding the sign and the sign hits Harry who falls to the ground with blood coming out of his head)
 * Helen: (Horrified) Oh no! I think you've killed him! My husband!
 * Brittas: What?
 * Helen: My husband...
 * Brittas: What? (Observes that Harry has died) So, it's finally come to this. (to the man) In a desperate attempt to claim the prize, you've killed the real winner!
 *  (Colin comes out of the staff rest room with a spray bottle in his hand)
 * Colin: Any more for sheep dip?
 * Brittas: Colin, call the police.
 * Colin: With pleasure, Mr Brittas. We're finally going to arrest Mrs. Bidmead, are we?

We All Fall Down

 * Brittas: With a television crew in attendance, the Olympic torch comes back from the town hall, held aloft symbolically by Linda. The Olympic torch then lights the Eternal Flame, which represents the fire of human endeavour burning forever.

Enter Colin
 * Colin: It's gone out!

<hr width="50%"/> Mr Brittas has caught a glimpse of Colin's warmonger effigy through the keyhole
 * Brittas: Saddam Hussein, here!
 * Carole: Well, he shouldn't be! He hasn't got a ticket!

Mr Brittas Falls in Love

 * Brittas: Has that brine delivery arrived yet?
 * Carole: Yes, Mr Brittas. They're PUMPING it through the back door!
 * Brittas: Eeexcellent!

Christmas Special: Surviving Christmas

 * [Mr Brittas, who is wearing a brown jumper, comes down to greet Mr Newmark in the leisure centre's reception]
 * Brittas: Ah, Mr Newmark.
 * Mr Newmark: Gordon, dear boy, Hail fellow well met. I come most carefully from my hour. (Pulls out his Father Christmas costume) Ah, old friend. It hardly seems a twelfth month since last I donned the scarlet robe.
 * Brittas: Been a good year then, has it, Mr Newmark?
 * Mr Newmark: Quiet, Gordon, very quiet.
 * Brittas: Yes. Did your agent send you here 'cause I haven't actually spoken to him this year.
 * Mr Newmark: Nor have I. NO! No, I am mistaken. We did have a brief chat in July. We were discussing my career as Father Christmas, and he told me that in Australia, they have Christmas during the summer, so I went over there in August. It's a complete lie. They have Christmas in December the same as we do.
 * Brittas: Yes, of course, but the reason I haven't spoken to your agent, Mr Newmark, is we're not actually booking you this year.
 * Mr Newmark: Ho ho ho, you jest.
 * Brittas: [laughs] No, I don't jest. You see, we're closing the leisure centre today and we're not open until after Christmas. Staff training in Wales.
 * Mr Newmark: But I always play Father Christmas.
 * Brittas: Not this year. You're surplus to requirements.
 * Mr Newmark: You can't give Father Christmas the sack!
 * Brittas: Don't tell me 'cause you already got one! [laughs]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Captain Brown: Captain Kipper B. Brown. I run the centre.
 * Brittas: Gordon Brittas. I run the centre...Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre! [laughs]

<hr width="50%"/> Captain Brown, who is ex-SAS, is making an impression on the staff
 * Brittas: He's really got you going. I can almost smell the fear.
 * Colin: That could be me, Mr Brittas. Haven't been able to change me socks.
 * Brittas: 97 different ways of killing people!
 * Captain Brown: I've just thought of number 98.

The Elephant's Child
Helen is planning a desperate criminal enterprise, and decides to consult Gavin
 * Helen: (conspiratorially) Who's the most daring, the most macho member of staff? Is it Tim? Or Colin? Or you?
 * Gavin: (looks nervous) I'd say Julie.

<hr width="50%"/> Linda finds Tim trying to catch a chill, to avoid the bungee jump
 * Tim: Gavin thinks I'm tough, but just the thought of that bungee jump scares me to death!
 * Linda: You're going to die anyway if you get pneumonia.
 * Tim: Well, I don't mind dying of something I'm not scared of.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Brittas: Since I have been manager of this centre, I am very proud to say there have only been twenty-three deaths. And not one of them was a staff member.

Reviewing the Situation
Brittas is dictating to Julie, while being frisked by Greg
 * Brittas: "Dear Councillor Drugget, re your memo of the 14th inst, I am seeking clarification on council policy regarding the buying in of alternative services. Can I take it this does not refer to alternative religious services, as was first thought? If so, I shall inform the Reverend Bernie Simpson that he can no longer hold Voodoo sacrifices in the squash courts. Yours etc etc. P.S. Most of the chicken blood has now been successfully removed from the walls."

<hr width="50%"/> Since Tim has changed his surname, the DSS has no record of him
 * Brittas: To them, you're a non-person. And you can't argue with a government department.

http://etc
Virtual Reality Squash
 * Brittas: Timothy! You've arranged to play squash with Gavin, you're all set and raring to go. When suddenly, he stands you up because he's decided to go out with his girlfriend! Course of action?
 * Tim: Well, there are a number of options, Mr Brittas: tampering with his brakes, electrocuting him with his CD player...
 * Brittas: No! You play with yourself!

<hr width="50%"/> The new computerised booking system is slowing everything down at reception
 * Carole: That's Mrs Phillips for a standby ticket, swim session, in Lane 2, with a sachet of shampoo for greasy hair!

Wake up the Lion Within
Gavin cannot believe it when Carole is appointed Deputy Manager
 * Gavin: It took me years to make Deputy! How come Carole does it overnight?
 * Tim: Ah well, she's got a "lion within", you see.
 * Gavin: Oh, yeah? And what have I got?
 * Tim: ...A gerbil?

The Disappearing Act

 * Brittas: Dreams workshop tomorrow lunchtime. Now, it's purely voluntary, but everyone must attend. And I want you all to have a good dream tonight, and bring it in with you tomorrow morning.

<hr width="50%"/> It is the middle of the night, and Brittas wants to be prepared to record his dreams
 * Helen: What are you doing?
 * Brittas: Sharpening my pencil, ready for the morning! Fortunately, my darling, you're married to a man who keeps a pencil sharpener in his bedside cabinet.

Gavin Featherly RIP

 * Brittas: I have just broken the news to Gavin's parents over the phone, and needless to say, they were very distressed.
 * Julie: Especially when you reversed the charges.

Exposed

 * Julie: So, what're you going to do if the press get hold of this? You know how they made a mountain out of a molehill when the centre burned down.
 * Brittas: All part of handling our friends in the media, Julie. (picks up the phone and dials) Nip it in the bud with some swift positive action...Hello, Whitbury Evening News? News desk, please...Hello, Gordon Brittas, manager of Whitbury Leisure Centre. I'd just like to quell any rumours you might have heard about there being an outbreak of contagious disease here at the leisure centre. Oh, and by the way, it's definitely not bobular fever.

<hr width="50%"/> A further demonstration of Brittas' method of handling the media
 * Brittas: Why do you people in the media always focus on the negative side of things, when so much of what happens at this leisure centre is a success story? Last year, six hundred people visited this centre, and nearly five hundred returned home without any loss of life or serious injury!

Curse of the Tiger Women
Colin has planned a design for an Ark, and is explaining it to Julie
 * Julie: You don't need to put fish on the Ark. They can stay in the sea.
 * Colin: Eh?
 * Julie: Well, what's a flood to a fish? It's more room to swim around in.
 * Colin: Julie, you have a brain! I can see why that young man of yours wants to marry you.

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 * Helen: Carole, my last client: when he left, did he walk all hunched up, head down, jabbering to himself?
 * Carole: Yes, Mrs Brittas.
 * Helen: Good, good. He's getting better.

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 * Brittas: I'm afraid Carole is having some sort of nervous collapse. She's to have counselling sessions with Mrs Brittas.
 * Julie: Isn't that a bit like taking coals to Newcastle?

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 * Brittas: It is seven years to the day since the first member of public came through those hallowed portals.
 * Gavin: And you threw him out, Mr Brittas!
 * Brittas: He was wearing unauthorised water wings, Gavin.

Miscellaneous recurring lines

 * Brittas: Eeeexcellent!

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 * Brittas: I have a dream. A dream that one day...

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 * Carole: Welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre. How may I help you?

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 * Julie: I'm busy!

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 * Tim: We're all going to die!