The Cat in the Hat (film)

The Cat in the Hat is a 2003 American comedy film, about two bored kids whose life is turned upside down when a talking cat comes to visit them.
 * Directed by Bo Welch. Written by Alec Berg, David Mandel, and Jeff Schaffer, loosely based on the 1957 book of the same name by Dr. Seuss.

The ultimate game of cat and house. (taglines)

The Cat in the Hat

 * A monster? Where? [Conrad and Sally scream] That could've gone better [laughs wheezingly]
 * There is a third option. [plays 3 dramatic chords on the keyboard] [Conrad and Sally: There is?] Yes. It involves...murder. [plays 3 more dramatic chords on the keyboard]
 * [as Cheshire Cat, after cutting off his tail] SON OF A BI- [bleep]
 * [repeated line] OH YEAH!!!!!

Conrad Walden

 * Mom, that guy's a total phony! You can't let Larry-
 * Sally! Everything's disappearing up there! HELP!
 * I wish I had a different mom.

Sally Walden

 * Well, this is just great, Conrad. The whole house is destroyed, the party is ruined, and now Nevins is gone.
 * Nevins? Nevins, come back!!!!!!!

Larry Quinn

 * NOBODY LIKES A SUCKUP!!!!!!!
 * I'm sending Conrad awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... [Nevins pees on his taco] OH! OH! [Nevins starts barking, and sniffs his taco that Nevins peed on] OH! [Nevins barks] I can't believe you whizzed on my taco!
 * [sneezes] Why am I sneezing? [Cat touches him by his shoulder] [Cat: That'd be me. BOO!] You're a giant- [sneezing] CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [screaming, tears the wall paper falls off the cliff, his last words] JUUUDAAAAAAS PRIEEEEEEEEEEST!!!!! [splashes in the purple river]

The Fish

 * Children, this cat is currently in the violation of [counts to 17] seventeen of your mother's rules! [phone rings] [Cat: City Morgue!] [loses it] EIGHTEEN!
 * This Cat should not be here and he should not be about and he should not be here when your mother is out!

Dialogue

 * Cat: Why, I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're... "meline"?... "key lime"?... "turpentine"? I got nothing. I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk, that should be enough for you people!
 * Sally: Where did you come from?
 * Cat: Hmm, How do I put this? When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...
 * Conrad: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you come from?
 * Cat: My place, what do you think?
 * Conrad: No, how did you get here?
 * Cat: I drove! Look, I've been here two whole minutes and no one has offered me a drink. Harumph!
 * Sally: Sorry Mr. Cat, would you like some milk?
 * Cat: Milk? Ecch! No! Lactose Intolerant, gums up the works. You'll thank me later. [He laughs as he uses the wooden board as a surfboard] Hello. Surf's Up! [He laughs and hoots until he puts the wooden board back] Nice spread ya got here. Humina, humina, humina, humina! [looking at a photo] Who is this? [in a risque joke, his hat proceeds to lift off his head]
 * Conrad: That's my mom.
 * [pauses]
 * Cat: Awkward. Yeah.


 * Fish: Stop this right now!
 * Conrad: Who said that?
 * Fish: Me! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then nothing.
 * Sally: The fish is talking.
 * Cat: Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.
 * Fish: Hey, socks, can it! This cat should not be here. He should not be about. He should not be here when your mother is out.
 * Cat: C'mon, kids! Ya gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees. [laughs]


 * Announcer: Live from the kitchen, the following is a paid commercial announcement for Astounding Products.
 * The Guy in the Sweater: Hi! Welcome to Astounding Products. [applause] I'm your host, the guy in the sweater who asks all the obvious questions. Now, here to tell us about his astounding product for making cupcakes, all the way from, England, please welcome...
 * Cheshire Cat: ME! Hello! [applause] Now... Hello. I'm so excited! Do you love making cupcakes but hate all the hard cupcake work?
 * The Guy in the Sweater: I know I do. [laughs]
 * Cheshire Cat: [slides appliances off the counter] Well, forget everything you know about making cupcakes and say hello... [brings out the Cupcake-Inator] ...to the amazing Cupcake-Inator. I'm so excited! [laughs]
 * The Guy in the Sweater: Cupcake-a-what?
 * Cheshire Cat: [the crowd joins in] CUPCAKE-INATOR! Alright, this amazing device can instantly make cupcakes out of anything that you have in the kitchen.
 * The Guy in the Sweater: Wait a minute, did you say "anything"?
 * Cheshire Cat: Anything!
 * The Guy in the Sweater: Anything?
 * Cheshire Cat: Yes, anything.
 * The Guy in the Sweater: Anything?
 * Cheshire Cat: Anything.
 * The Guy in the Sweater: Anything?
 * Cheshire Cat: [turns to the guy in the sweater] I'll get you and it'll look like a bloody accident! [the crowd laughs] Anything. Now, let's see, take off the lid. [says what he puts in the Cupcake-Inator] You can put in, I don't know, a carton of eggs.
 * The Guy in the Sweater: [amazed] What?!
 * Cheshire Cat: How about a pack of hot dogs?
 * The Guy in the Sweater: [laughing] That's incredible!
 * Cheshire Cat: Why not some ketchup?
 * The Guy in the Sweater: Yes, why not?!
 * Cheshire Cat: How about...? I know what you're thinking. Even a fire extinguisher. There we go. [closes the lid] Now, close the lid and Bob's your flippin' uncle.
 * The Guy in the Sweater: What an astounding product! [laughs]
 * The Cat in the Hat: Oh yeah!
 * Cheshire Cat: Open the drawer. [drawer open] Fill the patented Cupcake-Inator tray. [a purple solution pours out] Close the drawer. [drawer closes] Then place it in a conventional oven. [applause while the guy in the sweater dances and the Cupcake-Inator is placed in the oven] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
 * The Guy in the Sweater: Did you just say "minutes away"? [the crowd joins in] That's impossible!
 * Cheshire Cat: You're not just wrong, you're stupid. [the crowd groans]
 * The Guy in the Sweater: Now wait just a minute...
 * Cheshire Cat: And your ugly, just like your mum.
 * The Guy in the Sweater: Did you just call my mother ugly?
 * Cheshire Cat: [holds up a meat cutter] OH, SHUT UP! I MEAN IT! I WILL END YOU!!! [grunts as he cuts off his tail, leaving Conrad, Sally and the Cat staring in disbelief]
 * Sally: Um, Cat, your tail.
 * Cheshire Cat: What about me? Oh, I see. I've chopped it off. Well, that's interesting because... [sees his tail cut in half]  SON OF A BI-   [a loud and long bleep is heard, along with The Cat covering Conrad and Sally's Eyes, the Guy in the Sweater makes the screen go to the "Hang in There, Baby!"]


 * The Cat: [holding Joan's dress] Look, I'm a girl. [purrs and wipes the purple stuff off the wall, Sally and Conrad are horrified]
 * Sally: STOP! THAT'S...
 * Conrad and Sally: MOM'S DRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!
 * The Cat: [shocked] This filthy thing?
 * Sally: She was gonna wear that tonight, and you ruined it!
 * The Cat: Honey, it was ruined when she bought it. [snaps his fingers two times] mmmm, mmmm, yeah [snaps his fingers two times again] mmm, mmm, yeah, mmmmm-mmmmmm...
 * The Fish: I told you all of this would happen. But no one listens to a fish! [the Cat groans] A dog goes woof-woof and everybody knows that a little Timmy's trapped under a log, but a fish speaks plain English.


 * Thing 2: Don't belittle me.
 * Cat: Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.
 * Thing 2: And all of the above.
 * Cat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also except Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-Da or Ben.
 * Thing 2: [chuckles] "Ben".
 * [Thing 1 jabbers incoherently]
 * Cat: Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand. [to the Things bickering] Okay, enough! You're quickly turning into one of my least favorite Things! [closes the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Convex, you probably don't wanna do that.
 * Conrad: Why not? It's just a crate.
 * Cat: This isn't just angel crate. It's the Transdimensional Transportolator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
 * Conrad: But it says "Made in the ".
 * Cat: Yes, but not this Philippines. Look. Now I'm not usually a rules guy, but this is a biggie. No opening the crate. No looky, no touchy. Got it?
 * Thing 1: Mekka-dekka we should settle our differences.
 * [The Cat holds up a crab-shaped lock, crawls and holds on the open handle of the crate]


 * [Conrad and Sally notice the Cat's car]
 * Conrad: Wow! That is so cool!
 * Cat: That's just the dust cover. [removes cover, exposin' an unusual car] Here she is! The Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.
 * Sally: S-L-O-W?
 * Cat: Yeah, SLOW. It's better than the last name we had, Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
 * Conrad: Oh! You mean SH–-
 * Cat: Oh! Quick to the SLOW! [chortles as he, Conrad an Sally get in] Buckle up, kids. We're on a mission to get that dog, and we will not rest until we find and destroy it.
 * Conrad: RESCUE IT!
 * Cat: Rescue it! Of course I meant rescue it. Whatever. Remember kids, there's nothing faster than SLOW. That's backwards! It makes no sense. Look at you! Argh! Okay, here we go. GPS check. DVD/CD, check. Someone from is a... Czech. [chortles as he puts the fish on top] Siren!
 * Fish: What are you-- what- Siren? [the jets shoot fire, screams]
 * Cat: Let's go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


 * [The house is destroyed.]
 * Cat: [jumping excitedly] I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! [notices Sally and Conrad] Okay, we did it.
 * Sally: I don't think we did anything.
 * Conrad: [angry] The place is still a wreck. Cat, you said if we shut the crate, everything would be okay, but it's not. It's a complete disaster!
 * Cat: Well, what are you gonna do? Tennis, anyone? [swings a tennis racket, then opens his hat, pouring out red-and-white tennis balls; he sniffs one] Ooh... Love that new ball smell.
 * Conrad: Hey. Your hat. It's magic again?
 * Cat: Oops. Well, now that the cat's out of the bag, to use an archaic and cruel-sounding metaphor, why don't you serve first?
 * Sally: You had your real hat this whole time?
 * Cat: Uh-yup. I planned the whole day. [wheezing laugh]
 * Conrad: What do you mean you planned the whole day? All of it?
 * Cat: Uh-yup.
 * Sally: The house getting trashed?
 * Cat: Uh-yup.
 * Conrad: Quinn taking Nevins?
 * Cat: Uh-yup.
 * Sally: Cutting off your tail?
 * Cat: Uh-nope. [a piece of the house falls behind the Cat with a crash, startling him]
 * Conrad: You even knew I'd open the crate?
 * Cat: Why do ya think I made it my one rule? I knew you couldn't resist. Now, who's up for a game of Canadian doubles? [serves a ball, which shatters a window]
 * Sally: Cat, you said nothing bad would happen.
 * Conrad: Cat, you need to get out.
 * Cat: I don't know that game.
 * Conrad: Not a game. None of this is a game.
 * Cat: [starts to become dejected] But I thought you two wanted to have fun today.
 * Conrad: Look around, Cat. You were right. It's fun to have fun but you have to know how, and you don't know when enough is enough. Now go.
 * Cat: Suzy... Cromwell... Please...
 * Sally and Conrad: [pointing] OUT!!!
 * [The Cat sadly turns to leave, but then comes back, about to say something.]
 * Sally and Conrad: OUT!!!


 * Cat: Okay. Section 8, article, 93, subparagraph 834. Right by the chili stain. Heh heh. It reads "If Conrad, aka Concrete, should open the crate (and we know he will), the contract shall be null and void". [Conrad and Sally look down in despair] "However, if Sally and Conrad should learn from their mistakes, the contract shall be reinstated". And I think you 2 have satisfied the legal burden of learning.
 * Both: YEAH!!!
 * Cat: So there's just one last game to play. It's called "clean up the house". Kids, meet the Dynamic Industrial Renovating Tractormajigger.
 * Both: D-I-R-T?
 * Cat: That's right! [wheezing laugh]


 * Cat: Okay. We had some good times. We cleaned up the house. We even managed to work in an up-tempo pop tune for the soundtrack, that's important. I guess there's just one last thing to check. [he takes out his phunometer and uses it on Conrad and Sally as it reads "Just Right"] Looks like everything's in balance. [to Sally] But you're still smoking way too many cigars. [to Conrad] And you, lay off the sauce! [he puts away his phunometer]
 * Sally: Cat, this day has been...amazing. Thank you, Cat.
 * Conrad: [embraces Sally] For everything.
 * Cat: Conrad? Sally? Adieu. [leaves for the back door]
 * Sally: CAT!?
 * Conrad: CAT!?
 * Sally: Wait, Cat!
 * Conrad: Don't go!
 * Cat: Aw... [hears the front door] Oh!

Taglines

 * The ultimate game of cat and house.
 * Don't mess with the hat.
 * The Cat is Back!
 * Cats with hats only.

Cast

 * Amy Hill - Mrs. Kwan
 * Mike Myers - The Cat in the Hat
 * Alec Baldwin - Lawrence "Larry" Quinn
 * Kelly Preston - Joan Walden
 * Dakota Fanning - Sally Walden
 * Spencer Breslin - Conrad Walden
 * Sean Hayes - Hank Humberfloob and the Fish
 * Dan Castellaneta - Danielle Churchran and Taylor Rice - Things One and Brittany Oaks and Talia-Lynn Prairie - Two (voice)
 * Victor Brandt - Narrator