The Chaser's War On Everything

The Chaser's War on Everything (2006-2009) is a comedy TV show that was broadcast on the ABC in Australia.

Episode 1

 * Andrew Hansen: Well, I went to one of those two dollar shops the other day. Loved it. Everything's two dollars, how can you possibly resist? I immediately bought this road sign with a platypus on it.


 * Andrew: Hats that cost two dollars sell themselves, I think.


 * Andrew Hansen as the Surprise Spruiker: [In front of an Armani store.] Boutique, boutique, boutique bargains! Here today at Giorgio Armani's. Men's suits, ties, leisurewear, from as little as $5000 a piece! Come on in and grab a bargain! That's right shoppers, it's thousand dollar madness!


 * Road to Turin
 * Announcer: Based in rural Western Australia, the pair lives 400 kilometers from the nearest rink, and is forced to rehearse their routines wearing socks on a slippery surface.
 * Chris Taylor: Coming up to your triple Axel now. [He attempts to spin Andrew, but throws him into a wall.] Oh. Sorry. We ran out of corridor.


 * Andrew: Chris and I have been skating for, oh gosh, how long has it been now?
 * Chris: Oh, about two weeks.
 * Andrew: Two weeks or something. We hadn’t even set foot on the ice until, um…
 * Chris: Today.


 * Andrew: Chis, mate, I think I’ve torn my tutu.


 * Chris: I think what Steven Bradbury showed us is that if you work hard enough and if you believe in yourself strongly enough, and if every other skater completely fucks up, then there’s no reason why we too can’t be Olympic gold medalists.

Episode 3

 * Brokeback Mountain: Christian Edition
 * Chris (Jack): Hey, what are you doing?
 * Andrew (Ennis): I’m just trying to reach my bible.
 * Chris (Jack): Your bible?
 * Andrew (Ennis): Yeah.
 * Chris (Jack): Oh, my God, really?
 * Andrew (Ennis): Well, I’ve got one too.


 * Andrew (Ennis): I need to see you ‘gain, Jack. I need to discuss Paul’s second epistle to the Corinthians.

Episode 4

 * Andrew Hansen: Well, over the last few weeks you may have seen me in the role of Mr Ten Questions, uh, that’s where I approach celebrities and ask them a series of, um… er… how many questions was it again?
 * Julian Morrow: Ten. Ten.
 * Andrew: Thank you. Ten questions.

Episode 5

 * Chris Taylor: Craig, I’m not myself tonight.
 * Craig Reucassel: What’s wrong?
 * Chris: I’m going out of my mind. I’m cracking up.
 * Craig: What is it?
 * Chris: Well, you know how there’s that new show on Channel Ten called ‘Everybody Hates Chris’? Every time I see its name on billboards or in TV guides, it really makes me paranoid. I think it’s always referring to me. I think everybody hates me.
 * Craig: Don’t be paranoid, Chris, everyone does hate you.
 * Chris: Get stuffed.


 * Craig: What events have we got coming up tonight?
 * Chris: Well, it’s all eyes on the pool as Libby Lenton and… [He notices the background pic has changed to a guy wearing an ‘I hate Chris’ sign.] Get stuffed! Get stuffed! Do your news segment on your own, guys.
 * Julian Morrow: Oh, well. Look, it’s a fair point, I reckon.
 * Craig: I know I hate him.


 * Road to Melbourne
 * Chris: Yeah, we get a bit of grief from our mates about it, but we don’t see the sport as unmasculine at all.
 * Andrew Hansen: Chris, could you help me put my glitter on, mate?

Episode 7

 * The Credits Song
 * Andrew Hansen:

I've been writing songs since God knows when,

And every gig I score, I give a promise to them,

I say I'll write catchy, not too long,

But they always run credits, over my songs,

They always run credits, over my songs.

All I want is my face on TV,

But they're always rolling text over me,

Now I'll be squished into a corner, no doubt,

So the bloody voice-over can drown me out,

Yeah, the bloody voice-over always drowns me out.

[A voice over for The Einstein Factor plays over the top of Andrew.]

Nobody cares, no one... oh, this is just ridiculous. Hello? Hello? The song I'm playing is actually quite good I'll have you know.

''[Smashes keyboard]

You bastards! Bastards!!

Episode 9

 * The White Stripes - Now My Clothes Are Pink
 * Andrew Hansen:

I was washing,

I did the laundry by myself,

I had all these red and white clothes of mine,

And all Meg's gear as well,

I put a load on,

But not once did I pause to think,

I forgot to separate whites from red,

And now all my clothes are pink,

Well it's 1, 2, 3, 4,

Looking kinda Nancy,

Now my clothes are pink,

I'm feeling like a pansy,

All my rock star cred is down the sink,

And it's 4, 5, 6, 7,

Who's a sissy fella?

I'll never score again with Renée Zellweger,

Oh, God, even my hat is colored pink!

Episode 10

 * Comedy Songs On TV
 * Andrew Hansen:

I don't think comedy songs work on TV.

TV's meant to be a visual medium,

Its not well suited to the terrible tedium,

Of looking at the same old shots of a comedian with a guitar.

And when they mix up the angles its not okay,

There's a 1980s feel about the way

The cameras make it look really gay,

I don't think comedy songs work on TV.

Something about them's kinda cheesy,

Don't you think it just seems too easy,

Singing jokes, which if they were spoken, wouldn't be good.

You can turn any old thing into a funny line,

Just by making sure that the buckskin thing rhymes,

Its even funnier if you swear sometimes!

I don't think comedy songs work on TV.

You can use a piano to add some class,

Or go the other way and show your ares,

All to distract from the very sad fact the material's shite.

You can do an amusing character creation,

Overacting in desperation,

With viewers cringing across the nation,

I think comedy songs work,

I don't think comedy songs work,

I don't think comedy songs work on TV!

Episode 13

 * Hill$ong
 * Andrew Hansen:

Ladies and gentlemen in the name of the father the son and the Holy Spirit let me hear you say amen!


 * Crowd::

Amen!


 * Andrew:

Let me hear you say praise the lord!


 * Crowd:

Praise the lord!


 * Andrew:

Let me hear you say I will empty the contents of my wallet into that little collection plate when it comes around!


 * Crowd:

I will empty the contents of my wallet into that little collection plate when it comes around!


 * Andrew:

And it’s all tax free!

Hallelujah!


 * Crowd:

Hallelujah!


 * Andrew:

Praise the lord for all the cash I’ve got,

Praise him for my rolls-Royce and my yacht.

Serving God ain't hard,

With a credit card,

Jesus died so I could make a lot!

Praise the lord he's made us millionaires,

Wave your donations in the air.

We’ve replaced our hymns,

With ATMs,

And soon we will charge a fee on every prayer!

Jesus Christ was a poor man don’t you know,

He should’ve used our accountants for his cash flow!

Stop the Sermon on the Mount,

He should’ve had a bank account!

2000 years with interest, he’d be rolling in the dough!

Praise the lord this song's out on CD,

Just 14.95 plus GST.

Hallelujah,

Plenty of moolah!

Solid gold baubles on my Christmas tree!

I’ve got all of heavens riches,

Thanks to all you stupid bitches!

Praise the lord for modern Christianity! Yeah!

Whoever said religion should be free!

Episode 15
I'll be your new Tom Cruise
 * Andrew Hansen:

He was a wonderful man to lose

But I bet you I can fill his shoes

While you're on the rebound

I'll keep your feet on the ground

I'll be your new Tom Cruise

I'll read you books by L. Ron Hubbard,

I'll hide 'A Few Good Men' in the cupboard,

I'm going to go far,

Jumping up on the sofa,

I'll be your new Tom Cruise.

I'll do anything to keep us hitched,

I'll even try to overlook Bewitched,

I've got to hand it to you,

BMX Bandit to you,

I'll be your new Tom Cruise.

We'll star in disappointing movies together,

Eyes wide shut or whatever,

And at the very last stage,

I'll quit for someone half your age,

I'll be your new Tom Cruise.

Oh, it's a mission, impossible to lose,

Yeah and I'll be your new Tom Cruise!

Episode 18

 * Narrator: Here at last on CD - Shakespeare's most treasured sonnets and soliloquies as recited by Detective Superintendent Clive Pugh. Including selections from 'Hamlet'...
 * Clive (Chris Taylor): "To be or not to be, that is the question at this point in time."
 * Narrator: 'Julius Caesar'...
 * Clive: "Friends, Romans, or persons of Mediterranean appearance, lend me your ears in a northerly direction."
 * Narrator: And the famous balcony scene from 'Romeo and Juliet'.
 * Clive: "Romeo, Romeo. Victor Delta Tango, over."
 * Narrator: This stunning collection also includes a bonus disk of classic Shakespearean love poems.
 * Clive: "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"
 * Narrator: Featuring special guest bad cop Roger Rogerson.
 * Rogerson (Craig Reucassel): Answer the question!
 * Narrator: Detective Superintendent Clive Pugh Recites the Bard' - This is one police record you'll want against your name.

Episode 19
Doctor Who
 * Andrew Hansen:

(Theme Music)

I can hardly step outside

It’s all that I can do to hide

The fact that I'm a fan of Doctor Who

I even earned a special mention

When I dressed up at the fan convention

As a Cyberman from season 22

(Theme music) I’m a fan of Doctor Who

My friends say that I'm retarded

Just cause I’ve built a model Tardis

And pretend I'm chasing Daleks through space and time

EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE

I don’t know why the people laugh

When I show them the autograph

I got from the actor who did the voice of K-9!

It’s hard to get a screw

When you’re a fan of Doctor Who

His female companions, I love them all

They’re stuck all over my bedroom wall

My favorite ones are Ace and Sarah Jane

And when I go to shop at the ABC

I don’t just stop at the DVDs

I also buy books from the Doctor Who novel range

All the girls say ‘ Ooo’

He’s a fan of Doctor Who

I’m always sure to ask the question

Out of all the doctors who’s the best one

When ever I meet up with a fellow fan

Was it William Hartnell, Peter Cushing, Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee, Tom Baker, Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy, Christopher Eccleston, David Tennant, Richard E. Grant who only played the role in the 40th anniversary BBC interactive web cast adventure or Paul McGann,

(CUT OUT) Well I couldn’t fit it in the song but my favorite script editor is Robert Holmes (CUT IN)

You don’t score much ‘WOO’

When you’re a fan of Doctor Who

(Theme Music).

Episode 26
The Surprise Spruiker at the Persian Rug Warehouse

Both roles played by Andrew Hansen:

Surprise Spruiker: That's right shoppers, come on into the Persian rug shop. It's a massive warehouse clearance and all our rugs have got to go.

Crazy Warehouse Guy: Excuse me! What are you doing out the front of my warehouse?

Surprise Spruiker: I'm the Surprise Spruiker.

Crazy Warehouse Guy: Well, I'm the Crazy Warehouse Guy and you ought to be walking out the door!

Surprise Spruiker: Well shoppers, it looks like the boss has gone crazy.

Crazy Warehouse Guy: Yes! I'm absolutely insane! Now go and do a giant clearance!

Surprise Spruiker: What about you sir? I find you huge, huge, hugely offensive!

Crazy Warehouse Guy: You've got to go before midnight tonight!

Surprise Spruiker: My patience has been massively reduced.

Crazy Warehouse Guy: Oh? Well, my patience has been massively reduced!

Surprise Spruiker: This is madness. Now get on your truck, get on your trailer, go and tell your boss-(Crazy Warehouse Guy smashes speaker on the Spruiker's head)

Crazy Warehouse Guy: Your surprise spruiking is never to be repeated!

Episode 27
Prolix Songwriter
 * Andrew Hansen:

I really strongly and vehemently wish,

I could write songs that had less lyrics in them.

But every time I sit down and try to write a song my head starts to overflow, I've got so many things I want to say.

It becomes extremely difficult in terms of scansion and rhythm to form a musical framework around so very many words.

'N' every other songwriter I've ever met in this industry says that my over-wordy songs are utterly and totally absurd.

I'm a prolix songwriter, I have a very hard time,

Fitting such an extraordinarily and unnecessarily large number of syllables into the the highly limited confines of a line.

To be honest with you, I've been writing these overstuffed lyrics ever since I was 14 or 15 years old, its been really tough on me,

Means I have to work 7 or 8 or 9 times as hard as any other songwriter to earn exactly the same, Goddamn royalty fee,

And I know I'm being an idiot, its probably got something to do with my anxiety, and I'm totally confused and I really don't know,

And all I can do is sit here and wish to high heaven I could just go 'La la lala, la la lalala,' like Kylie Minogue.

But I'm a prolix songwriter, I have a very hard time,

Fitting such an extraordinarily and unnecessarily large number of syllables into the the highly limited confines of a line.

I'm a prolix songwriter, I have a very hard time,

Cause sometimes my verbosity's so over the top that I have to try my absolute utmost and squeeze me eyes shut and think way way way back into the past as far as I possibly can so I can even hope to remember the words with which I was...supposed...to...

Oh, fuck.

[Mutters]

Oh! RHYME!!!

Thanks.

Episode 1

 * Chris Taylor: And keep that applause going for people who think David Hicks had a fair trial! (shows 5 empty seats)
 * Craig Reucassel: Not even Downer turned up.




 * Julian Morrow: And the first problem we wanna fix is us. We’ve got a new timeslot no one knows about and we’re up against shows on commercial channels that have big ratings and, frankly, are much better.

Episode 9

 * ''[During a church service, Chris and Craig are drinking beer, like at a sports game.]
 * Priest: Faith, hope, and....
 * Chris Taylor: Beer.
 * Priest: And the greatest of these is...
 * Chris: Beer.
 * ''[Craig snorts into his cup of beer.]

Episode 15

 * Chas Licciardello: (about APEC security) So here I am, Osama Bin Laden, standing 10 metres away from (George) Bush's hotel and what do they do? They arrest the other guy!

Episode 20
Top Blokes After Death (The Eulogy Song)
 * Andrew Hansen:

My great grand father died this week.

I couldn’t stand him, actually nobody could.

But as soon as he passed away, everybody went around saying what a top bloke he was, so..

I’d like to dedicate this song to you, Gramps.

He was very hard of hearing,

he was dull and domineering,

misogynist, cantankerous, and vain.

He hit the bottle every night,

he hit my grandma out of spite,

and those stories about his bunions were a pain.

But all that’s now forgotten,

once he took his final breath.

Yes even pricks, turn into top blokes after death.

You don’t believe me?

Allow me to furnish you with a few examples..

Steve Irwin lived in khaki,

a cartoon kamikaze,

who taunted crocs and tots so frequently.

And Brocky was some revhead,

who pumped the air with pure lead,

so anti green, he drove into a tree.

But all that was forgotten,

once they took their final breath.

Yes even tools, turn into top blokes after death.

John Lennon chose the hippy life,

he chose some nutbag for a wife,

his songs were never quite as good as Paul’s.

Jeff Buckley fooled all lovers,

just one album, mostly covers,

more wailing than Japan does off our shores.

But all that was forgotten,

once he took his final breath,

yes even wankers, turn into top blokes after death.

Princess Di was just a slut for sex,

when they looked in the car wreck,

her dress was wet with Arab semen stains.

Stan Zemanek was a racist jock,

a fatso xenophobic cock,

whose views were more malignant than his brain.

But all that was forgotten,

once he took his final breath,

yes even arseholes, turn into top blokes after death.

It’s not how they lived that counts,

but how we rewrite the book.

When it comes to truth it’s best to use restraint,

it pays to throw away the facts

and have a rose coloured look.

When he dies, Martin Bryant will look a saint.

Don Bradman was a total farce,

a grumpy, greedy tired-arse,

who couldn’t even score one run last time he played.

Kerry Packer was a brothel chief,

a tax cheat and a kidney thief.

and procreating Jamie was the worst mistake he made.

But all that was forgotten,

once he took his final breath,

yes even **** turn into top blokes after death.

Belinda Emmett was a… (stopped by cast)

Remember all will be forgotten,

once we take our final breath..

yes even pervert motherfuckers,

even rampant child-abusers,

even local Baghdad looters,

even baby bunny rooters,

even reckless drunken drivers,

even rodent sperm imbibers,

even violent poofter bashers,

even public penis flashers,

even rotting corpse molesters,

even human piss ingesters,

even tiny kitten kickers,

even anal finger lickers,

even Anna ‘bloody’ Coren,

yes even SHE will be a top bloke after death.

Episode 1

 * Chris Taylor: It’s the same show, but with a few key changes.
 * Craig Reucassel: Oh, big new changes, Chris. Like during the opening, I’m sitting on this side of the couch, and you’re sitting on that side of the couch. It’s an exciting fresh new look.
 * Chris Taylor: Oh, it changes the whole feel of the programme. It’s very 2009.

Episode 2

 * Craig Reucassel: Hello and welcome to the War for another week, the only show on TV that has more boofheads and morons than the Rugby League State of Origin.




 * Chris Taylor: (Talking about going on a date while wearing a 'swine flu mask') And as for the goodnight kiss at the end of the night, well, (shows footage of Chris trying to kiss a girl while both are wearing health masks) very unsatisfactory.
 * Craig Reucassel: Like usual, then, yes.

Episode 3

 * Voice-over: Chris tried to make the world a better place, by removing Kyle Sandilands, permanently, from the airwaves.




 * Craig Reucassel: And can I just say, only in Australia could we have a scandal called 'Utegate'! For God's sake, what's next, 'Uggbootgate'? 'Case-of-VB-gate'? It's very embarrassing, isn't it!?




 * Chris Taylor: Now, look, for those who came in late, the whole controversy began when Kevin Rudd was given a Mazda ute by his car dealer mates during the last election.
 * Craig Reucassel: I can't believe he drives a ute.
 * Chris: I can't believe he has a mate.




 * Andrew Hansen as a senior advisor of Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd: He chained me to a desk, forcing me to shred incriminating evidence. It's not easy feeding an entire Mazda ute through a shredder.




 * Andrew Hansen Voice-over: This week on Small Talk, Australia's most respected interviewer, Ray Martin, goes head-to-head with paleontologist and climate-change campaigner Tim Flannery.
 * Ray Martin: So you got here okay? Traffic was alright?
 * Tim Flannery: Yeah, wasn't too bad.
 * Ray Martin: You got a park?
 * Tim Flannery: Yeah, I got one just near here.




 * Ray Martin: Now, Bill Henson, I can't let you go without asking one final question... Are you right to get home, or...?

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 * Guard: Polish?
 * Julian Morrow : Polish? I don’t speak Polish, no, sorry.
 * Guard: Polish?
 * Julian: (Through his megaphone.) I don’t speak Polish. No.

In Other Media

 * All five of us combined almost create one Shaun Micallef so I think it would be very foolish for any of us to try and go solo,
 * Chas Licciardello in reference to the group working together in the future.