The Cleveland Show/Season 1


 * Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main

The following is a list of quotes from the first season of The Cleveland Show.

Pilot

 * [Peter has a firework-type rocket strapped to his back]
 * Peter: Light it, Brian.
 * Brian: Peter, I don't wanna do this.
 * Peter: Do it, Brian. It's the only way I'm gonna catch that bird.
 * Roadrunner [offscreen]: Meep-meep!
 * Peter: Here he comes. Light it.
 * [After the Roadrunner zips by, Brian lights the rocket, sending Peter soaring through Cleveland's house, destroying it and revealing Cleveland in his second-floor bath tub]
 * Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, noooo! [His tub crashes with him in it] Doggone it! That's it! No more! I'm tired of being kicked around by this world!
 * Brian [offscreen]: I'm sorry, Cleveland.
 * Cleveland: It's all right.
 * Brian: I tried to stop him...
 * Cleveland: I don't blame you, Brian! You a dog! A DOG!!


 * [Cleveland and Cleveland Jr. have left Quahog to mark the beginning of "The Cleveland Show"]
 * Stewie: What the hell? He's getting his show?


 * Rallo: Well aren't we the Black Brady Bunch?
 * Cleveland: Except I'm not a gay architect, and my wife's not sleeping with my son!
 * [everyone laughs]
 * Cleveland Jr.: Not yet!


 * Cleveland: Ahhhh a Bear!
 * Tim: Ahhhh a Black Man! Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it?


 * Rallo: Oh I know y'all ain't leaving without making these beds.

Da Doggone Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance

 * [Cleveland is in his own Men's Warehouse commercial]
 * Cleveland: I'm gonna like the way I look...I guarantee it.

The One About Friends

 * Cleveland: Hasta la possum, baby!

Birth of a Salesman

 * Cleveland Jr.: [as the group throws a joke at Cleveland Jr. as part of a comedy roast, to try and get him to cry] That's cruel without even knowing the reference.

Cleveland Jr.'s Cherry Bomb

 * [Federline Jones slaps Cleveland Jr.]
 * Cleveland Jr.: I may be a virgin, [angrily pulls on Federline's gold necklace] but I'll kick your ass if you do that again!




 * Priest: All across this great land, teenagers are takin' a pledge: The Purity Pledge, to hand over their virginities to their fathers, the high priests of the home.
 * Cleveland: Hear that? I'm the high priest of our home. I would like roast beef for dinner.
 * Donna: Shut the hell up!




 * Cleveland: [grabs Federline's hat and hits him with it] BAD HORMONE-RIDDEN ADOLESCENT! BAD, BAD, BAD!

Ladies' Night

 * Cleveland: Last minute check: any chives in my teeth? [he shows his teeth, which are covered with green leafs]
 * Donna: They're all over! What were you eating?!
 * Cleveland: Chives.

A Brown Thanksgiving

 * Auntie Momma: And now that my work here is done, I better leave before I turn into a blumpkin.

From Bed to Worse

 * Roberta: I can't believe we're stuck in this motel for another night! Nothing exciting has ever happened in a D.C. hotel!
 * Raymond: Didn't Marion Barry get caught smoking crack at a D.C. hotel?
 * Roberta: Okay, yeah, but besides that.
 * Raymond: Didn't Reagan get shot at a D.C. hotel?
 * Roberta: Besides that.
 * Raymond: Watergate happened at a hotel, I know that.
 * Roberta: I know, I know.
 * Raymond: And didn't Eliot Spitzer--
 * Roberta: [cutting him off] Okay, whatever! The point is we need to go out and find a party.
 * Oliver: Hey, guys, I got the idea. We need to go out to find a party!
 * Federline: Yo, Oliver's right. There are so many bummed spots out there where I can get the crowd jumpin' with my demo! There's a fat beat on top of it, I'm going like [beatboxing], then I'd do, "Federline! Federline! JOONES!" It's hot, y'all. Peace.

A Cleveland Brown Christmas

 * Kendra: "You freak it you buy it." [pointing to the Christmas tree]




 * Donna: It's like my great grandmother used to say, "A lie is just an upside down truth."
 * Cleveland: What?! [to self] Can I trust Donna?




 * Cleveland: "Fred Peterson raped old ladies?!"




 * Rallo: Dear Santa: [clears throat] Fuck you and fuck Christmas.
 * Arianna the Bear (to Tim): This is what happens when you let a Jew run a Christmas pageant.

 (after Rallo derails the toy train by putting a Santa doll on the tracks)
 * Reporter: Blood on the tracks in Holidaytown where for 68 passengers, a routine train ride to Gum Drop Village instead took a detour to Gum Drop country morgue. And now over to Dirk with sports.
 * Dirk: Better make that 2 massacres today. The Holidaytown Celebrators were shut out eight to nothing. A bad day indeed for pretend, cake figurine baseball.

Field of Streams

 * Cleveland: Hey Junior, watch are you watching? The Cleveland Show?




 * Cleveland: What are you doing up there?
 * Cleveland Jr.: Larry the Leopard told me to climb the bookcase.
 * Cleveland: Fourteen. You're fourteen! Now, get down here. I got something I want you to have.
 * Cleveland Jr.: Wow, number 9? I thought when you left, they retired it for good.
 * Cleveland: I'm Brett Favre-ing it, except I'm not being a public jagoff about it.


 * The Fluffers (to the tune of We Built This City by Jefferson Starship): We built this ballpark/We built this ballpark on a gay dude's ca-ash!


 * Principal Wally (after Raymond high-fives one of his stoner friends): Watch the height of that five. All fives must be shoulder height or below.

Love Rollercoaster

 * Cleveland Jr.: I've never been friends with a girl before. Is it true you guys clap your breasts together, like a seal?
 * Tyra: No!
 * Cleveland Jr.: Thanks a lot, Wikipedia.




 * Ms. Eck: You know, I used to be quite doable myself.
 * Roberta: So what happened?
 * Ms. Eck: I turned 30.




 * Lester: I got bit by the inventing bug myself. Among other bugs. And crabs.




 * Rallo: You'd be amazed how many people on the internet wanna meet a five-year-old boy!

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 * Cleveland: What the hell kind of comedy high school are you going to, anyway?

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 * Nerd: This is still pretty cool!

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 * Nerd: Who are you?
 * Tyra: I'm Fat Girl.

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 * Federline: Know what I'm sayin', Omega Moo?

Our Gang

 * [Cleveland shoots a hole in the ceiling, and then the ceiling cracks revealing Chris Griffin]
 * Chris: Hi, Cleveland!
 * Cleveland: Go back to Quahog!
 * Chris: Okay.

Buried Pleasure

 * Cleveland: Ah, Stoolfest! That magical time of year when hobos and drug addicts are dressed up like clowns, and allowed to operate dangerous rides!

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 * Cleveland: [about Jane] We tried to get her to stop hitting Holt and she beat the respective craps out of us.
 * Donna: She... beat up all of you?
 * Cleveland: Well, what were we supposed to do? We can't hit a girl.
 * Donna: Well, I understand. I never hit a girl, either. But I will smack the white off a bitch!
 * [she punches Jane]
 * Donna: Nobody hurts my man!

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 * Tim: Did she agree to stay away from Holt?
 * Cleveland: Does it look like it, Boo-Boo?

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 * Cleveland: I'm gonna go tell Jane to say good-bye to my little friend!
 * Tim: The Black guys love Scarface. They cannot stop talking about it.

The Curious Case of Jr. Working at The Stool

 * Cleveland Jr.: I'm going to get even with that candy-ass son of a motherfucking bitch.

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 * Cleveland Jr.: MOO.

Once Upon a Tyne in New York

 * Cleveland: Good evening. In an effort to keep with these, our ever-changing times, tonight's episode of The Cleveland Show is presented in 2-D. If you wear glasses due to near-sightedness or astigmatism, put them on....NOW.

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 * [Lester's limo driving away with Tyne chasing them and the kids realize they missed their ride]
 * Rallo: Aw, shit!

The Brown Knight

 * Dan Rather: Hello, I'm Dan Rather, news veteran of 44 years, now reduced to co-hosting a local talk show. Just waiting to die, really. I stopped taking my heart pills this morning, so... any day now.

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 * Cleveland Jr.: Don't worry, Daddy. I'm gonna feed you, and wash you and change you, just like you did when I was a baby.
 * Cleveland: Thank you, Junior. [whispers] Don't let him do any of those things to me, Donna!
 * Donna: Junior, can you give us some alone time?
 * Cleveland Jr.: Okay. I'll go down to pediatrics and look at the chicken people.

Gone with the Wind

 * Cleveland: Smells like a Denny's in here, but without the old man stink.
 * Rallo: You got that covered.
 * Cleveland: No, I smell like a middle-aged man: Propecia, hot wings, and night sweats from our adjustable-rate mortage, now pass those eggs.
 * Donna: Uh-uh. Remember what Dr. Fist said about your cholesterol?
 * Cleveland: Yes, he said it was "appalling" and "life-threatening". Uh, pass the eggs.
 * Donna: This is your breakfast, Cleveland. The same breakfast you've been eating for the past two weeks.
 * Cleveland: More twigs?
 * Donna: Fiber Twigs-The cereal that lowers your cholesterol.
 * Cleveland: Aah! I got a splinter!
 * Roberta: 'Cause you got a mouthful of wood, like usual.
 * Cleveland: Huh? Oh.
 * [both Roberta and Cleveland laugh. Then Cleveland pushes Roberta and grabs her plate of food]

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 * Rallo: Heat rises, I smell nothing!
 * [Cleveland Jr. lifts him up]
 * Rallo: AH! AAHHHHH!

Brotherly Love

 * Cleveland: You were the best bitch I ever had.
 * Terry: And you were one cold pimp.
 * Cleveland: Thanks. I'm sorry I set you up with all those men.

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 * Donna: Where did you get that huge wad of cash?
 * Cleveland: What? A man can't sneak into his house in the middle of the night, carrying a huge, suspicious-looking wad of cash, without his wife nagging him? Geez!

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 * Cleveland Jr.: [to Chanel] Sorry he's so cranky. He was up til 7:15 last night.
 * Rallo: Oh, thanks! Anybody else wanna take a shot?
 * Donna: Rallo, are you bothering the big kids? Come here, I need to give you your diarrhea medicine.
 * [Cleveland Jr. and Chanel laugh]
 * Rallo: [to Cleveland Jr.] You are in for a world of hurt, buffalo butt!
 * Donna: What did you call me?
 * Rallo: No, not you, mo-[Donna grabs his ear] Aaaarrggh!

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 * Chanel: [sighs] This is so hard. I don't know how to find a se-can't of a triangle.
 * Cleveland, Jr.: Well. Hold on then, se-can't. [laughs, then Chanel joins in]
 * Roberta: Hey, is that Chanel Williams chopping it up with my steppity-bro?
 * Federline: I think you mean step-brizzle. [he and Roberta laugh; they all laugh until Cleveland comes in]
 * Cleveland: [bursts the door open] There's been a gas leak!
 * [Cleveland, Jr., Chanel, Roberta and Federline keep laughing until he pushes them out]
 * Contractor: Leave the batteries in your carbon monoxide detector from now on.
 * Cleveland: When your wife says she'll use them in front of you, you find some batteries.
 * [they both laugh]

Brown History Month

 * Rallo: I'll just go ahead and be one of the other black presidents. Actually, I want to be the first black president. Who was it?
 * Mrs. Lowenstein: Rallo, Barack Hussein Obama is the first black president.
 * Rallo: What? Washington wasn't black?
 * Mrs. Lowenstein: No.
 * Rallo: Jefferson?
 * Mrs. Lowenstein: No.
 * Rallo: If Rutherford B. Hayes wasn't a brother, I don't know what's up!

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 * Rallo: [to Cleveland] You're worse than Uncle Thomas the Tank Engine.
 * [cut to the Island of Sodor]
 * Thomas: I'd reckon I'll take you where these here tracks go, sir.
 * Sir Topham Hatt: Thank you, Uncle Thomas. You're a clean, articulate train.
 * Thomas: Just get yo' white ass on board.
 * Sir Topham Hatt: What's that, Thomas?
 * Thomas: [stammers] Uh... Choo-choo!

Cleveland's Angels

 * Cleveland: I just keep winning! I feel like a homeowner before 2008 (no jobs)!

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 * Holt: I'm riding through them dirt roads and let me show you how I work them dirt hoes.

You're the Best Man, Cleveland Brown

 * [Peter and Quagmire appear at the end of the episode during Freight Train and Cookie's wedding]
 * Quagmire: Well, they made it through the whole season. Now can I have my own show, Peter?
 * Peter: Quagmire, you're a rapist.
 * [Quagmire mutters]