The Cleveland Show/Season 3


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The Cleveland Show was an American animated sitcom created by Seth MacFarlane, Richard Appel, and Mike Henry for the Fox Broadcasting Company as a spin-off of Family Guy. The series centers on the Browns and Tubbs, two dysfunctional families consisting of parents Cleveland Brown and Donna Tubbs and their children Cleveland Brown, Jr., Roberta Tubbs, and Rallo Tubbs. Similar to Family Guy, it exhibits much of its humor in the form of cutaway gags that often lampoon American culture.

BFFs

 * [Cleveland returns to Quahog and rings the Griffins' doorbell. Brian is heard barking]
 * Stewie: [from inside the house] Hey, get back! Get back! Go to your crate! Brian, go to your crate!
 * Brian: [from inside the house] I don't have a crate, I've never had a crate.
 * Stewie: You should. You'd feel safer there.
 * [Cleveland rings the doorbell again]
 * Brian: Who is it, Stewie?
 * [the curtain is the window is pulled back a little]
 * Stewie: Some black guy.
 * Brian: Uh, we don't want any candy bars.
 * Stewie: Or magazines.
 * Cleveland: Brian, it's Cleveland.
 * Brian: Oh. Hi, Cleveland.
 * Stewie: Has he been cancelled already? He doesn't just get to come back!
 * Cleveland: Is Peter home?
 * Brian: He...is...[whispering to Stewie] It's Cleveland!...[out loud, to Cleveland]...not.
 * Cleveland: Did he say when he'd be back?
 * Brian: No....uh...vember.


 * [Peter is seen sneaking into his car and tries to get away from Cleveland]
 * Cleveland: Peter!
 * [Peter runs into his car and tries to get his key]
 * Peter: Come on, come on!
 * Cleveland: Peter, it's Cleveland! Hello! Peter, I'm standin' right here!
 * Peter: [mouthing silently] Fuck. [gets out of the car and says out loud] Oh. Hey, Cleveland. I didn't see you there.


 * Tim: So, uh. Lester, wha-uh-what the-what can we expect from this?
 * Lester: [in the same intonation as "I don't know"] Mmmm. I'm not usually on the Ned Beatty side of this situation. Best I can guess is...ouchie in the boom boom.


 * Peter: Leggo my negro.


 * Peter: See, Cleveland. That's the difference between our shows. On our show, we would have shown the rape, and had a show tune about the rape.
 * Cleveland: And I would have just been the black guy. [cries]

The Hurricane!

 * Cleveland: Of course I do, son, but Christianity makes sense: A virgin had God's baby, who then grew up to be murdered by the [clears throat] Romans, so you and I could be forgiven for Eve eating that apple she got from the talkin' snake. Three days later, Jesus rose from the dead to tell everyone he was coming back someday to fight the Devil; then he flew up to his mansion in Heaven where he sits in judgment of the gays! HOW CAN YOU NOT BELIEVE THAT?!
 * Junior: Just don't.
 * Cleveland: But this is a Christian home!
 * Junior: Then how come we never go to church?
 * Donna: Church is for those in need, Junior. You don't go to the doctor when you're healthy.


 * Rallo: I heard what you said downstairs. Heartbreaking stuff, man. It got me thinking about how much you and I have in common.
 * Junior: Really?
 * Rallo: Mm-hmm. I used to be just like you. Lost. No direction. I was a real troublemaker. Then one day, I pushed things too far. Drew on the wall with a crayon after Momma told me not to.
 * Junior: Oh, no.
 * Rallo: That was the day my luck ran out. Got put in a time out—10 to 15—mandatory minimum. That's hard time for a kid, time I'll never get back, so I prayed for forgiveness, and Jesus entered my heart and changed my life. It was divine intervention.
 * Junior: You drew on the wall the next day.
 * Rallo: In the name of the Lord. I'm talking about faith. I believe that the man who created the entire universe knows my name and cares what happens to me. Do you know what that is?
 * Junior: Narcissism?


 * Cleveland: [after being hit on the head by a tree] And that's the way it is Friday, May 19, 1978...
 * Donna: Oh, no. He thinks he's Walter Cronkite again!
 * Rallo: Man, that's some C-BS!

--
 * Junior: No! This is what you get when you ignore the warnings of the National Weather Service, like a dumbass, and think you can wait out a hurricane!

Nightmare on Grace Street

 * Rallo: But we can't go home now.
 * Cleveland: You're right. Your mom and Junior will tease the dickens out of us. [looks off camera] Can we say that? Oh, okay. They'll tease the dickens out of us. [bumps into a table] Ow! Right in the dickens!


 * [Cleveland pushes Donny across WD-40 fluid from Junior's costume toward the window]
 * Donny: I hate black people!
 * [Donny falls out the window]
 * Cleveland: Figures.

Skip Day

 * [Cleveland, Jr. cleans his award]
 * Cleveland: Junior, I don't ever wanna see you laughed at like that again.
 * [Cleveland, Jr. trips over]
 * Cleveland: [laughs] Walk much? So anyway. From this moment on, I don't want you to follow anybody else's rules. I want you to be a renegade.
 * Cleveland, Jr.: Okay.
 * Cleveland: See? That's exactly what I'm talking about. Don't say okay to everything.
 * Cleveland, Jr.: [sadly] Sorry.
 * Cleveland: And don't say sorry all the time.
 * Cleveland, Jr.: Okay.
 * Cleveland: No! Oh, forget it. Just go to bed.
 * Cleveland, Jr.: Okay, sorry.
 * Cleveland: Oh. Dang it, Junior! It's only 6:30!
 * Cleveland, Jr.: [in bed] I thought I seemed early.
 * Cleveland: Then why were you going to bed?
 * Cleveland, Jr.: Well, because you told me to, Daddy.
 * Cleveland: That's exactly why you shouldn't. Here, chug this beer.
 * Cleveland, Jr.: I'm not 21. Plus, I'm on allergy medication that shouldn't be mixed with alcohol. But if you say so. [drinks the beer, causing him to fall down and dies]
 * [cut to the hospital]
 * Doctor: I'm sorry. We did all we could. He's dead.
 * Cleveland: [sobs] Junior, please don't leave me!
 * Cleveland, Jr.: [gets up and is alive] Okay.
 * Cleveland: [angrily] Aah, you're hopeless!

Yemen Party

 * [Rallo is in a costume]
 * Rallo: And on this faithful day, by amalgamating the power of electricity, Rallo Tubbs will transform himself into [takes a fork out] Electro-Boy!
 * [hop and tries to stick the fork in the outlet; electricity is heard]
 * Cleveland: Kids, dinner!
 * Rallo: Coming. [drops the fork, picks up scissors; screams and starts cutting]

Sex and the Biddy

 * Murray: Come on, our table's back here. We already had our soup and sent back our first two courses.
 * Rallo: Ha! Wait, we?
 * [Hazel puts on her lipstick and puckers up]
 * Hazel: Hi, Rallo. I'm so glad you could join us.
 * Rallo: Excuse me? What's Wrinkle-Me-Elma doing here? [Murray picks him up and puts him in a booster seat] You said it was just gonna be us.
 * Murray: [pinches and moves Hazel's cheek] You tell that face no.
 * [they start making out]
 * Rallo: Well, I don't have an old people fetish.

Die Semi-Hard

 * Bystander at the Nativity scene: Jesus was white!


 * Cleveland: Welcome to the party over here, pal.


 * Cleveland, Jr.: Will you tell us the sequel next Christmas, Dad?
 * Cleveland: Let's wait and see how the internet responds to the first one.


 * Cleveland: Scooby-dooby-Doo, motherfucker!!
 * Lester: I'm sorry, we didn't catch that. There was a long beep at the end of your sentence.


 * Federline: Oh, my God, I'm the first rapper to shot! I hope this becomes a thing.

Y Tu Junior Tambien

 * Holt: All hot girls are crazy...but not all crazy girls are hot.


 * Chonie: Sweet burritos and skeptical papacitos.
 * Donna: Oooo, I like her.

There Goes El Neighborhood

 * [Clevland puts a little blue football helmet next to the yellow, the red, the purple and the green]
 * Cleveland: Donna, ya gotta see what I did for the superbowl party! Put some deodorant on and come in here. [spraying is heard] Both arms.
 * [Donna continues spraying and comes down]
 * Donna: Cleveland, what on earth is that?
 * [two chairs are floating above the couch]
 * Cleveland: VRP Scarbucks. I'm not sitting down here with you.
 * [suddenly, they hear an earthquake]
 * Donna: Oh my god! Is that the rapture?
 * Cleveland: No, rehearsal for the blue angel fly-over. They protect nothing.
 * Donna: You know, Cleveland. If you didn't spend all our money on your superbowl parties, maybe you can buy me a McMansion. Like that new one across the street. Mmm. [a mansion is across the street from their house] Killers.
 * Cleveland: Vulgar. It's vulgar, Donna. Do you want to be vulgar? Look, somebody's trying to break into it! [a burglar crawls into the window] Donna, call the police.
 * [Rallo has a cell phone]
 * Rallo: No, man. You should do it. You sound white on the phone. They actually might come.
 * [Cleveland and a policeman, holding a flashlight walk to the mansion]
 * Policeman: You sounded white on the phone.
 * Cleveland: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That window. [the policeman pulls out a gun and walks over. Cleveland whispers] Hey, can I hold the gun?
 * Policeman: Sure.
 * [Cleveland makes gun sounds]
 * Cleveland: How do I look?
 * Policeman: Bad ass.
 * [the doors open]
 * Cleveland: Freeze, dirt bag! [Chonie angrily walks up] Chonie?

Dancing with the Stools

 * [Roberta is making out with Federline]
 * Rallo: Roberta...Roberta...Roberta...
 * Roberta: Rallo, leave us alone! Go play a video game or somethin'!
 * Rallo: Cool! If you need me, I'll be warming up some foil in the microwave for no reason.
 * [he leaves and as Roberta and Federline resume making out, a microwave running, an electrical shock and explosion are heard]
 * Rallo: [off-screen] Wa'n' me.

Brown Magic

 * [Donna is reading an Entertainment Weekly magazine, while Cleveland is texting]
 * Cleveland [laughs] Me and Lester are texting each other, Donna. Can you imagine him lying in bed next to Kimber. They look like the number 10. [laughs, sighs and gets depressed] I feel bad for Lester.
 * Rallo: Hey, guys. I got a magic trick for you.
 * Cleveland: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Get out of here, Rallo! How do you know we weren't doing something prizy.
 * Rallo: 'Cause I don't hear "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang Now think of a number then write it down, and only use this pen and press really hard and then rip it off and don't let me see it. [Cleveland writes down a number, rip the paper off and tries not to let Rallo see it. Rallo then writes a number] Okay, what's your number? 10?
 * Cleveland: Yeah. Poor Lester. You trick, Rallo. Run along to bed.
 * Rallo: Hold on, now. You haven't seen the incredible floating cigarette. [he has a cigarette hang from a string and tied to his finger]
 * Donna: Rallo, where did you get that cigarette?
 * Rallo: Tobacco Company. Reppler's handing them out at the playground.
 * Cleveland: [to Donna] Smart. Now go back to bed.
 * Rallo: One more, one more. [hands out cards] Pick a card, any card.
 * [Cleveland picks out a card]
 * Cleveland: Jack of clubs. Now go away.
 * Rallo: Aw, man. [leaves and closes the door]
 * Donna: What are you so hard on that boy?
 * Cleveland: STEP-boy.

'Til Deaf

 * [a gunshot is heard as everybody runs out of The Broken Stool and screams. Lester shoots once more and misses the apple on Tim's head]
 * Lester: Dang, missed again. Huh, who am I kidding? I can't hurt a healthy snack.
 * Cleveland: Guys, I'm not sure about the hunting trip. Haven't found the right moment to run it by Donna yet. Not like I need a permission slip or anything.
 * Holt: Got mine. Signed by my mom.
 * [he and Tim high-five each other]
 * Cleveland: If I even mention it, she'll flip out. Something's got her all insane in the fem brain. I don't know what to do.
 * Lester, Holt and Tim: Lie to her.
 * Cleveland: Okay!


 * Cleveland: [deep thought] God, Pictonary sucks. I love not havin' to hear my family. Uh-oh – something's happening! [the family are already jumping happily, and Cleveland joins in] We're happy and jumping! Yay!

Das Shrimp Boot

 * Rallo: With the Commodores, those cats are out of sight. Ya ding.
 * Roberta: Does everyone in this family stuck in the '70s? Can any of you name a single current rapper?
 * Cleveland: What's a rapper?
 * Donna: Oh, Cleveland. You are stuck in the '70s. They're the guys who wear the gold chains and go "Whippity-bop, Flippity-bop."
 * Cleveland: [pretending he has a microphone] Ohh, Donna. That is fresh. Let's have some more of that.
 * [Cleveland and Donna start rap dance in front of Roberta]
 * Donna: Whooly-hop, Whooly-hoo. And a woop-a-doo-lo-doo.
 * Cleveland: Scratch, scratch, sratch. [uses Roberts plate as a record]
 * Donna: Uh-huh.
 * Cleveland: Don't give me no job.
 * Donna: Uh-huh.
 * Cleveland: Too bad.
 * Donna: Uh-huh.
 * Cleveland: Her bad.
 * Donna: I'm bad.
 * [she and Cleveland stand together]
 * Roberta: Well. If we're going on a '70s cruise, I'm gonna go get unwaxed.

---
 * Announcer on Radio: Look out for that truck.
 * Cleveland: Ah! TRUCK!

March Dadness

 * Cleveland: Yeah! Par three over here!

The Men in Me

 * Cleveland: Donna, you don't think I'm the whitest black man in America. Do you?
 * Donna: No, honey. What does that even mean?
 * Rallo: May I take this? It means you were dancing like a little white girl so you could see a little white boy dance and sing for little white boys, white girls and a rainbow of pedophiles.
 * Cleveland: I was trying to win those tickets for Junior.
 * Cleveland, Jr.: Keep me out of your freak show. [whispers] I really do want to go.
 * Roberta: Look at you, you still say things like "Party over here!" and "Too legit to quit!"
 * Cleveland: Yeah, boyee!
 * Roberta: Gross.
 * Rallo: You're joke.
 * Donna: Stop teasing Cleveland.


 * [Cleveland walks up to Barbara's house and rings the doorbell]
 * Barbara: [gasps] Cleveland Brown!
 * Cleveland: White lady I've never seen before!
 * Barbara: [laughs] I thought if I raised you, Cleveland. I'm your nanny Barbara.
 * Cleveland: What?
 * Barbara: Look at you, all grown up. My Cleveland has come back to me. [wiggles her finger] Party over here!
 * [Cleveland is surprised]
 * Cleveland: We'll be white black.

Frapp Attack!

 * Donna: Cleveland, get yo' ass off the grass!!


 * [Cleveland gets a frozen cappuccino splashed in his face]
 * Cleveland: Aaaah! Frapp attack! You frapped me! She frapped me! I got frapp in my 'stache!!

American Prankster

 * Rallo: You've been "Ralloed".


 * Cleveland Jr.: [shows a PowerPoint presentation during the scout tour meeting] Just look at that mass expand of virgin territory. The dense bushy thicket. And if you look close enough, you can see... my penis and testicles! [sees the picture Rallo took of him coming out of the shower] MY PENIS & TESTICLES!!??


 * Rallo: Evening suckers. Anybody want to smell my flower?
 * Everybody but Donna: I do!
 * Donna: No! No more Rallo'ing, Rallo. Because you do not want to get Donna'ed.
 * Cleveland: (miserably) Been a while since I got Donna'ed.

B.M.O.C.

 * Cleveland: How much you make in a year, fake cop?
 * Officer: $65,000.
 * Cleveland: [deep] Really?

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 * Cleveland: Do you still serve grilled cheeses here?
 * Worker: No – the campus banned trans fats.
 * Cleveland: [deep] Really?

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 * Rallo: So, does this mean you might wanna go to State?
 * Roberta: State?! That Podunk school? Where I'm goin' is gonna cost WAY more than that.
 * Cleveland, Donna: [deep] Really?

Jesus Walks

 * Cleveland Jr.: Well, I'm off to sing about Jesus and crap.

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 * Vanessa: When we get to North Carolina, I'm going to Tear. You. Two. Up.
 * Cleveland Jr.: Tear us up? I just wanted to smooch.
 * Hunter: Yeah. And I just wanted to take you to the soda fountain for a phosphate.
 * Vanessa: Ohh, is that like a Jewish sex thing? Because I heard you guys are really kinky.
 * Hunter: Not true. At all.
 * Vanessa: Get ready, boys. Because when I'm done with you. You will both. See. God.

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 * Cleveland Jr.: Is he fucking kidding with this?
 * Donna: [whispers] Don't say "fuck" in church.

Flush of Genius

 * Rallo: Mom!!!
 * Donna: [brandishing a bat] You havin' a nightmare?
 * Rallo: No. But–what were you gonna do— Never mind. Check it out. [touches "The Eliminator" line with a ruler] The day is here. I'm tall enough to ride The Eliminator, the scariest roller coaster there is.
 * Donna: Fine. We'll go to Crazy Kingdom this weekend. [Rallo hugs her by the legs] Now I gotta get back before Cleveland realizes I'm not in bed.
 * Cleveland: [off-screen] Donna? DONNA! I'm trapped inside the duvet cover!

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 * Cleveland: Ohh – here comes old Dixie!

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 * Cleveland: RRRAGHHHH! Uncaring bastards!

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 * Gus: [piggybacking on Jr.] Wheee! This is wonderful!

Mama Drama

 * Rallo: Mama, can I have some chocolate milk too for trying?
 * Donna: Of course you can have some. When you actually find something. Well, I'm off to the grocery store.
 * Rallo: Don't forget that stuff Miss Lowenstein needs you to buy me for the recital this Sunday.
 * Cleveland: Oh, for Mother's Day?
 * [Donna moans as she heads to the door]
 * Rallo: Uh. You mean, other's day, 'cause Sunday is just an other day. [laughs] Nothing special.
 * Cleveland: Huh. Nothing special my fanny. Check out what I made for my mommy for Mommy's Day. [lifts the present to reveal a clay model of Evelyn's head] I made a bust of my mom's head. [pours milk on it] It's also a volcano! [makes sounds as the milk explodes] Spew. Spew. Spew.
 * Donna: [sobs] Well, I'm running late for weeping in my car.
 * [leaves]
 * Cleveland: Bye!
 * [Rallo throws Cleveland's project out]
 * Rallo: Have you lost you mind? You don't mention Mother's Day in front of her. The woman was abandoned at birth by her mother.
 * Cleveland: Donna was? Oh yeah. [thinking] Poor Donna. Well, I'd better talk to her. Good thing I've been practicing my listening face.
 * [Cleveland is in bed with Donna as he listens]
 * Donna: Cleveland, what the hell are you doing?
 * Cleveland: Listening!

All You Can Eat

 * Roberta: Count to five before you follow me.
 * Cleveland Jr.: [exasperated] Yeah, I know the drill. [after Roberta leaves] Bitch.
 * [Last lines of the episode. Jr. has come home dressed as a gay biker.]
 * Cleveland Jr.: Why do I listen to you!?