The Critic



The Critic is an American prime time animated series revolving around the life of New York film critic Jay Sherman, voiced by actor Jon Lovitz. It was created by writing partners Al Jean and Mike Reiss, who had previously worked as writers and showrunners (seasons 3 and 4) on The Simpsons. The Critic had 23 episodes produced, first broadcast on ABC in 1994, and finishing its original run on Fox in 1995. It later reran on both Cartoon Network Spain and Comedy Central, alongside Duckman.

Pilot [1.1]

 * Jay Sherman: And that's me on the set of Dances With Wolves. They gave me a small part; I played "Throws Like a Girl."


 * Jay Sherman: Now for the part that you love most and I find humiliating, on the Shermometer, this film rates an "absolute zero!" Brrr!


 * Duke: Why the hell do you have to be so critical?
 * Jay: I'm a critic.
 * Duke: No, your job is to rate movies on a scale from good to excellent.
 * Jay: What if I don't like them?
 * Duke: That's what good is for.


 * Jay: Now Son, you may just have noticed there was a beautiful woman in my bed.
 * Marty: I won't tell anyone.
 * Jay: Actually, I wish you would tell everyone. Particularly, your mother and her personal trainer, Alberto.


 * Jay: I'm not going to stop loving you after I've been decaying in the ground for 200 years.
 * Eleanor: (Angrily) Can't one dinner go by where we don't talk about your rotting corpse?


 * (Jay and Marty playing the arcade game "Escape from the Big Apple")
 * Marty: Hurry up Dad, you've only got ten seconds to get to Long Island.
 * Jay: Uh-oh, Yankee Stadium is emptying out!
 * Marty: And it's Nickel Beer Day! (Character jumps over crowd)
 * Jay: Oh no, the Reverend Al Sharpton!
 * Al Sharpton: Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah---
 * (Character turns into a skeleton and dies, "Game Over" screen appears)


 * Jay: Did you ever love a woman so much that --
 * Taxi Driver: Look at sign!
 * Sign: Driver Only Speaks Three Words Of English.


 * Jay: Please, you've got to tell me. Did a beautiful woman leave my apartment?
 * Valet: I wouldn't know. I've been drinking in the alley all morning.


 * Jay: Why are you telling me this?
 * Jeremy: Because you’re the only decent guy I’ve met in this dreadful country. I love you, mate.
 * Jay: Wow. That's twice in one day.
 * Vlada: I love you too!
 * Jay: You just love my money.
 * Vlada: That is true, but it is a love that will never die.

Marty's First Date [1.2]

 * Jay Sherman: Well, I can sink a $50 million musical using only the word "Crap"!


 * Jay Sherman: Son, if there's one thing I know, it's how to read a woman. For example, that woman over there thinks I'm disgusting, and that woman thinks I'm Bigfoot! And that woman is wondering if she should call the cops to have me thrown out of the school.


 * Jay Sherman: (Singing to the opera tune Ride of the Valkyries) Give me your french fries! Give me your﻿ pot pies! I'll have a large size soft-serve ice cream!

A Little Deb Will Do Ya [1.5]

 * Jay: Hey look Mom, you and Hoover came out on the same day.
 * Eleanor: Don't you say that about your Uncle Edgar.

Every Doris Has Her Day [1.7]

 * Jay Sherman: At last, I've found my biological mother. I can finally undo years of psychological scarring! All that's left now is my failed marriage, my blood curdling senior prom, and the trauma of my ill-conceived canoe trip through hillbilly country.

Marathon Mensch' [1.8]
(as the Coming Attractions set burns)
 * Jay: This is it. I'm going to die. I'll see you in Hell, Justine Bateman
 * (a group of college kids are watching Jay on TV)
 * College Kid #1: Coming up next: The Crispy Critic.
 * College Kid #2: Man, you got it all. Handsome as Beavis, funny as Butthead.


 * Jay: I've never felt so wimpy in my whole life. (to Jeremy): How come you never question your manhood.
 * Jeremy: I sleep with many beautiful women, I drive fast cars, and carry an unlicensed gun. I play judge, jury, and executioner for this scum-filled world.
 * Jay: But that's in the movies. That's not reality.
 * Jeremy: They're not all movies. One was an episode of The Commish.

L.A. Jay [1.9]

 * Jay: All right, it's just you and me. Now what did you think of my script?
 * Gary Grossman: It was excrement.
 * Jay: Did you say it was excellent?
 * Gary Grossman: It was crummy.
 * Jay: Did you say it was yummy?
 * Gary Grossman: It was an awful piece of junk that made me want to puke all night.
 * Jay: Did you say it was an awesome piece of spunk that you want to shoot tonight?
 * Gary Grossman: It was a bilious piece of dirt that made me cry out in pain.
 * Jay: Did you say it was a brilliant piece of work, and you'll fly me to Spain? Where we'll meet King Juan Carlos and drink sangria all night?
 * Gary Grossman: You piece of blech.


 * The Devil: (After being asked by his aide if Wings could still be aired for another season) Tell them there are limits to even my powers!

 (on his episode of Coming Attractions after writing Ghostchasers III)
 * Jay: Hello, and welcome to Coming Attractions. Our first film is Ghostchasers III. I helped write this picture, but believe me when I say that this is the WORST MOVIE EVER MADE! Attention, L.A. street gangs: why kill each other when there are more deserving movie executives just miles from your home? Their addresses are...
 * (smash cut to a pink card with a "Viewer Advisory" scroll on it)
 * Announcer: Viewer Advisory: The rest of this review contains incitements to violence, foul language, rubber novelty pop, and brief nudity.
 * (cut back to the set, where Jay is now clad in only a towel as two police officers escort him off the stage)
 * Jay: Good night, everybody. Join me in thirty days with my review of our overcrowded penal system.

Dr. Jay [1.10]

 * The Devil: (On the phone) Hello Jay, this is the Devil. Despite what you think, I am not the reason Cher won an Oscar. I am the reason Marisa Tomei won an Oscar.

A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera [1.11]

 * Jay: Mom? Dad? I never made you laugh?
 * Franklin: Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.
 * Elenor: No, Franklin. That was the roadrunner.
 * Jay: (Shamefully) No, that was me.


 * Jay: Ardeth. How’s my favorite ex-wife?
 * Ardeth: The judge said every time you talk to me, it costs you a hundred dollars.
 * Jay: (Lays down money beside Ardeth) Fine, here’s two hundred. Get bent!


 * Zoltan Veramirovich: Hello Mister Sherman. Thanks to your appetite, we bought a yacht.

Uneasy Rider [1.12]

 * Vlada Veramirovich: (Seeing Jay and his trucker friends) Vlada takes all deliveries in the rear.

Sherman, Woman and Child [2.1]

 * Alice: (Singing) Jay, I'm glad that you're not gay. I may show you why someday. (Kisses Jay on the cheek)
 * Jay: (Smiling) Yay!


 * Jay: Doris, I can’t lose this job. It’s all I know how to do.
 * Doris: Ah, come on. Everyone has hidden talents. Like me. I’m a whiz with smoke rings. Watch.
 * (Doris inhales from her cigarette and blows out a spiraling ring of smoke that transforms into a demonic-like shape)
 * Smoke: (Diabolically) Doris … Tick Tock!
 * Doris: That was supposed to be a bunny.

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 * Alice: (Introducing herself and her daughter to Jay) I'm Alice Tompkins and this is my daughter Penny.
 * Penny: You didn't like The Lion King! You're mean! (Punches Jay in the nose)
 * Alice: Penny!
 * Jay: It's all right. Rex Reed did the same thing.
 * Penny: I'm sorry. (Kisses him on the nose)
 * Jay: Aww. Rex did that too.

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 * Jay: (Singing to the tune I’m A Little Teapot) I'm a happy critic, short and stout. I'll have a brisket.
 * Vlada: (Also singing) Sorry, we're out. 
 * (Jay sighs dissapointingly)

From Chunk to Hunk [2.5]

 * Jay: Hey Rush, race you to the lobby!
 * Rush Limbaugh: I accept your challenge, you liberal cream puff! Mmmmmmmmm, liberal cream puff.

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 * Zoltan Veramirovich: Ow! I made one-one in my tutu!

Sherman of Arabia [2.2]

 * Jay: I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!
 * News reporter: Jay, we're live.

All The Duke's Men [2.8]

 * Eleanor: Jay, sit on my lap. (Jay sits on her lap and her bones crunch.) Get off my lap!
 * Jay: But it's so comfortable!

Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice [2.7]

 * The Devil: (After being exposed by Gene Siskel) You win another round, Siskel, but we shall meet again!

Dukerella [2.9]

 * (Jay and Alice enter Duke's costume ball dressed as Homer and Marge Simpson)
 * Alice: Jay, where'd you park?
 * Jay: I left my car with the valet.
 * Alice: There's no valet!
 * Jay: D'OH!

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 * Vlada Veramirovich: Sorry pretty lady. Vlada's souffle hasn't risen in years.

Jay Sherman

 * So you see, looking back, I think the other kids always picked me last for sports because I was smarter than them, not because of my unpredictable bladder.
 * From Miserable


 * Now, I'm about to take off my shirt. A feeling of mild nausea is normal.
 * From Miserable


 * Alright...I do have a way with women...over 60....
 * From A Little Deb Will Do Ya


 * My shrink was right. God does hate me!
 * From Pilot


 * This film gets my highest rating: 7 out of 10.
 * From A Little Deb Will Do Ya


 * Well, back to work. Got to win the Pulitzer Prize. First I need a topic. (starts typing on typewriter) "Chaplin, Polański and Woody: Three Men and a Little Lady." Aah! (Throws paper away, starts typing again) "Meathead, Laverne, and Opie: Great Filmmakers of Our Day." (Puts his hands to his head) AAH!
 * From Eyes on the Prize


 * I am a movie critic by trade, and until recently, I got paid to tell you people which movies merely stink and which ones you shouldn’t screen near an open flame. Well, I’m putting the burden of lousy movies back on you. It’s very simple: if you stop going to bad movies, they’ll stop making bad movies. If the movie used to be a TV show, just don’t go. After Roman numeral II, give it a rest. If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic. Tell them you want stories about people, not a hundred million dollars of stunts and explosives. People, it’s up to you. If the movie stinks, just don’t go.
 * From Eyes on the Prize


 * So you're not good at sports, we'll just have to find out what you are good at. In my case, it's complaining about movies that bring happiness to idiots.
 * From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera


 * Well, that's all for our show tonight. If you want to read more about trucking, I'm sorry but there just aren't any trucking books out there.
 * From Uneasy Rider


 * Goodnight, Critic fans! And a special goodnight to those just tuning in for Home Improvement! (Looney Tunes Theme plays)
 * From A Pig Boy and His Dog


 * I did it! Oh, I'm a doc, a happy sneezy doc! (Yawns) Ooh, I'm a sleepy happy sneezy doc. If I don't get to bed, I'll be a grumpy dopey sleepy happy sneezy doc. (Pause) Bashful.
 * From Dr. Jay


 * I promised Alice I'd get her little girl into preschool, and I haven't had any luck. I ate a cheesecake, I took a nap, what more can one man do?
 * From A Song for Margo


 * (After being pepper sprayed) Mmmm, jalapeno!
 * From Sherman, Woman and Child


 * (A speaking cardboard figure of Jay waving a book) Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!
 * From Miserable


 * I'm Jay Sherman, the famous film critic. I used to have a big show on ABC ... for about a week.
 * From Sherman, Woman and Child


 * (Jay's poem to Alice, which he reads to her) The woman I love will be my best friend. We'll make each other laugh, and I'll never be lonely again. Her name will be Alice, and she'll have a sweet Southern accent, and I hope she'll love me too.
 * From Lady Hawke


 * (After being hit on the head by a heavy ball) Skull cracked, brains leaking out,﻿ can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie.
 * From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera


 * I can't die like this! I have holes in my Little Mermaid underwear!
 * From Marathon Mensch


 * Nothing turns on the chicks like The Human Fly...or was that Spanish Fly?
 * From Marathon Mensch


 * (After being held hostage in an Iraqi prison and forced to read a note in front of a T.V. camera) Single Arabic captain wishes to meet non-Kurdish woman. I like puppies, Kenny G and walks on the beach. Woo-hoo! Kenny G!
 * From Sherman of Arabia


 * (While daydreaming of accepting an Oscar) A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a. A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a.
 * From L.A. Jay


 * And that's why I'm glad The Beatles broke up!
 * From Dial "M" For Mother

Dialogues with Jay

 * Jay: Lady, don't take this the wrong way, but you're nuts!
 * Old Lady: (Thinking he is her cat) Oh, you sound just like the toaster.
 * From Miserable


 * Jay: So, how was prison?
 * Female Projectionist: Oh, they treated me pretty bad at first, but then they found out I tried to kill a film critic. You know, in Texas it's not even a crime.
 * Jay: I'm well aware. At the Houston film festival, only half of us got out alive.
 * From Miserable

Marty Sherman

 * This is worse than the time you sucker-punched Mr. Rogers!
 * From A Little Deb Will Do Ya


 * When I grow up, I want to be a man just like you.
 * From Marathon Mensch


 * It's okay Dad, money's not important.
 * From Uneasy Rider

Margo Sherman

 * Now look, I'll be honest. This is the ride I take with all my brother's girlfriends where they admit they're just using him.
 * From Pilot


 * Great, welcome to our crappy family.
 * From Pilot


 * (On the phone) Jay, this is your sister. You got a lot of laughs on The Tonight Show last night. Um ... did you mean to have your fly open the whole time?
 * From Miserable


 * (On the phone) Jay, this is your sister. Mom just gave me your old room. Um ... do you still want this Leif Garrett poster?
 * From L.A. Jay


 * Debutante balls are outdated, elitist, and sexist. You said so yourself in your review of Boyz n the Hood.
 * From A Little Deb Will Do Ya


 * (To her ex Johnny, after he wanted to say goodbye before leaving) Aww, that's so sweet. Before you left, I wanted to say "Get bent."
 * From A Song For Margo

Eleanor Sherman

 * (On the phone) Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will. We feel you already have enough money. Oh yes, and Happy Birthday.
 * From Pilot


 * The debutantes' ball is a Wigglesworth tradition! To starve yourself to fit into a dress, to dance with boys who feel you up and to drink so much you fall into a well. It's a magical night.
 * From A Little Deb Will Do Ya


 * I was just going to give you some rubber bands to play with...but if you want to, you can come.
 * From A Little Deb Will Do Ya


 * I think you media jackals are a pack of filthy muck-raking scum! What you people did to poor Dan Quayle is a disgrace! I hate you all! Except for you good people at the New Yorker.
 * From Miserable


 * (After Franklin transforms and behaves like The Mask) Oh dear. This is just what he did at Nixon's funeral.
 * From Dukerella

Franklin Sherman

 * (After transforming into The Mask) Drrrrrrrrrrinkin'!
 * From Dukerella


 * (Singing) I punch like a comet then drink till I vomit, I'm Franklin the sailor man!
 * From Lady Hawke


 * As the first black female head of the Ku Klux Klan, I would just like to say America stinks!
 * From All The Duke's Men


 * (Imitating Julia Child) Then you sprinkle the chicken liberally with old spice.
 * From All The Duke's Men


 * (Driving through a Picaso painting) Take that Guernica!
 * From Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice


 * (Crashing through the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in a helecopter) Take that Birth of Man!
 * From Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice


 * Kabong!
 * From Frankie and Ellie Get Lost


 * (Preparing for the vice presidential debate) Now let's rob that bank. (Puts a stocking on his head)
 * From All The Duke's Men


 * (Goes to the cockpit of a plane and sees the pilot's a penguin) A penguin! And he's been drinking! Wait a minute... penguins can't fly... PENGUINS CAN'T FLY!
 * From Frankie and Ellie Get Lost


 * (To a penguin pilot when their plane goes down) No I will not pray with you!
 * From Frankie and Ellie Get Lost


 * Oh, Son. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times ... who are all you people?
 * From Pilot


 * I didn't ask to be secretary of balloon doggies, the balloon doggies demanded it!
 * From Sherman of Arabia


 * I was the head of a trucker's union once. That reminds me, there's a lot of money and some dead bodies buried in the back yard!
 * From Uneasy Rider


 * Forget the rivets, darling, Crazy Glue will hold any surface together! It's crazy!!!
 * From A Pig Boy and His Dog


 * Now, who wants to boogie with baby '37?
 * From Dial "M" For Mother


 * Happy 1937 everybody!
 * From Dial "M" For Mother


 * If I could be a vegetable, I'd be a carrot.
 * From Miserable


 * (Dressed up as the Energizer Bunny) 48 hours and still going!
 * From A Song For Margo


 * I've been there too. Usually there's a midget making googly eyes at me. I call him Mr. Pickalini.
 * From A Pig Boy and His Dog


 * (Watching Jay on TV) On this TV, I do believe his nose is bigger than my foot. (Puts his foot over Jay's nose) Look, see? Isn't that incredible?
 * From Pilot


 * I’m not wearing pants. I split my pants, and now I’m not wearing pants.
 * From Dial "M" For Mother


 * Son loves Mother, sweet romance. Poor old father has no pants.
 * From Dial "M" For Mother


 * Keep it down Son. I'm trying to make it rain Harvey's Bristol Cream.
 * From Marathon Mensch


 * Hey, hey, hey, it's Fat Albert! How-buh are-buh you-buh do-bing?
 * From Marathon Mensch


 * (While watching the Pulitzer Prize ceremony) This is the worst production of Porgy and Bess I’ve ever seen.
 * From Eyes on the Prize

Duke Phillips

 * Why the hell do you have to be so critical?
 * From Pilot


 * (On the phone) Hello Jay, this is your boss. I've just obtained legal permission to hunt men for sport, and I wondered if you'd like to come to my ranch tomorrow. Bring your jogging shoes.
 * From Dial "M" For Mother


 * Jay, you got a very valid point. But on the other hand, shut up!
 * From Eyes on the Prize


 * I came here to swallow my pride, admit I was wrong, and beg you to come back to work for me again. But then I figured I'd take a moral shortcut and write you a check.
 * From Eyes on the Prize


 * (About his new movie) Do you know how much it costs to get Saddam Hussein to play himself?
 * From Every Doris Has Her Day


 * I can do anything I want. If I want Citizen Kane's last word to be "schwing," then that's what it's gonna be! I'm a god I tell you! A go-- (Clutches his chest in pain, falls to the floor and believes he is dying) Rosebud ... I mean "schwing!"
 * From Dr. Jay


 * That's it! I'll run for president! Drop a whole mess a' bombs and put Merle Haggard on the Supreme Court!
 * From All The Duke's Men


 * (Picks up his cell phone) Get Webster on the phone. (On the phone with Noah Webster) Noah, how are you doin'? It's Duke. How much would it cost to make "Quyzbuk" a word? I don't know what it means, uh, how about "a big problem?" Great! How about that other word I invented, "Dukelicious?" No one's using it? What a Duketastrophe.
 * From Dr. Jay


 * (A statue of Duke chanting) All hail Duke! Duke is life!
 * From Sherman, Woman and Child


 * Make him SQUEAL!
 * From A Pig Boy and His Dog


 * Bazooka Duke says CHEW ON THIS!
 * From All The Duke's Men


 * Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! ... VOTE FOR DUKE!
 * From All The Duke's Men


 * What is this? Annoy The Billionaire Day?!
 * From Every Doris Has Her Day


 * (Describing himself on a talk show) I'm a self made billionaire. The only person who can bribe me is a Bazillionaire.
 * From All The Duke's Men

Doris Grossman

 * (On the phone) Jay, it’s Doris. I’m at the morgue. Could you come down and tell them I’m not dead? They don’t believe me.
 * From A Little Deb Will Do Ya


 * (Watching the musical "Hunch") I shaved for this?
 * From Every Doris Has Her Day


 * (Takes a deep breath) Mmmm ... smoke. (Walks in a room on fire) It looks like Hell, but it smells like Heaven.
 * From Marathon Mensch


 * Kiss my surprisingly firm butt.
 * From Uneasy Rider

Jeremy Hawke

 * (after Jay tells Jeremy that he's going to marry Valerie Fox): Bubbe, never marry an actress. And never do blackface at the NAACP Image awards. Two things I've learned from experience.
 * From Pilot


 * I was in a student film once. Well, it wasn't a student film actually, although it had several women dressed as cheerleaders. I played Professor Spankum.
 * From Eyes on the Prize


 * It's just a gun for God's sake, not a bloody Xerox machine!
 * From Miserable

Dialogues with Jeremy

 * Jeremy: (Barges in with a Bazooka) So you're the nine liberal judges who outlawed unreasonable search and seizure.
 * Supreme Court Judge: Souter made us do it! (All point to Souter)
 * Jeremy: You better lock the doors, 'cause we'll be rewriting some laws tonight.
 * From Miserable

Alice Tompkins

 * Sorry. I hate not being friendly, but this is New York.
 * From Sherman, Woman and Child


 * (Jay introduces Alice to Duke Phillips) It's nice to meet you, sir. I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation: "I just drank two bottles of tequila. My wife doesn't know I'm here. Any of you girls over 18?"
 * From Sherman, Woman and Child


 * Honey, we have a saying back in Tennessee: "Be a mensch, not a schmendrick."
 * From Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice


 * Oh Jay, you're the sweetest man who ever called me a super freak.
 * From Lady Hawke


 * Listen, honey, I've known men like Duke all my life. There was this one boy back in college – dealt drugs, went to jail – yet today he's the star of Home Improvement.
 * From All The Duke's Men


 * I think you should know a little about my sister before she gets here. Let's just say she's like Satan with a boob job.
 * From Dukerella

Penny Tompkins

 * Funny man!
 * From Sherman, Woman and Child


 * (To Jay in a maternity dress) Are you gonna have puppies?
 * From Sherman, Woman and Child


 * (Praying at her bed) God bless Daddy, and Uncle Bisquick, and please give Momma the butt-lift Aunt Randa says she needs so desperately.
 * From Dukerella


 * Oh! It time for Humphrey the Hippo!
 * From Sherman, Woman and Child

Shackleford

 * Good to see you, Adopted Master Jay.
 * From Pilot


 * I'm sorry, Master Jay, I did so want to scrub your dainties, but they somehow caught fire. Why do they burn so long?
 * From A Little Deb Will Do Ya


 * (Watching the mansion on fire) Burn, baby, burn.
 * From A Little Deb Will Do Ya

Ardeth

 * I don’t know why I ever married you. (zoom out to reveal they're at their own wedding)
 * From Pilot


 * The judge said every time you talk to me, it costs you a hundred dollars.
 * From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera


 * You’re just as bad a father as you were a lover.
 * From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera


 * We raised a great kid.
 * From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera


 * (On the phone) Jay, this is your ex-wife. Your alimony check is eighteen minutes late. Nope, nineteen minutes. That's it, I'm calling my lawyer!
 * From Eyes on the Prize

Principal Mangosuthu

 * No pressure Marty, but the Pope and Nelson Mandela are in the audience, and they came to party!
 * From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera


 * (After Bill Clinton falls through a floor) I’m sure we all appreciate President Clinton’s ground-breaking message!
 * From From Chunk To Hunk


 * Attention students: Auditions for Peter Pan are being (Helium voice) held in the auditorium! (Normal voice) Stupid helium!
 * From From Chunk To Hunk


 * I am sorry, Martin. You are not fit. From now on, you must go to remedial gym. (Opens door and moaning noises are heard) Oh wait, that’s remedial choir.
 * From From Chunk To Hunk

Humphrey the Hippo

 * (Singing) Ho Ho Ho, stick out your toe! Hee Hee Hee, stick out your knee!
 * From A Little Deb Will Do Ya


 * Please kids, my philosophy is "love and dance," not "hate and not dance."
 * From A Little Deb Will Do Ya


 * Today, Humphrey's gonna teach you all what happens when you get a lung removed: You get ice cream!
 * From Frankie and Ellie Get Lost

Extras

 * Tobacco Company Executive: But Mr. Sherman, think of the children. If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex?
 * From Frankie and Ellie Get Lost


 * Priest: I said questions, not wishes! I'm a priest not a genie!
 * From Every Doris Has Her Day


 * Jay's "inner child": (On the phone) Jay, this is your inner child. I escaped and I just robbed a liquor store. Gotta go!
 * From Dukerella


 * Cuban TV Announcer: We'll be back after this word from toilet paper, now in "rough" and "not-so-rough."
 * From Marty's First Date


 * Adolph Hitmaker: If you want the world to love you, you must be big and jolly like Santa Claus, or Rush Limbaugh.
 * From Eyes on the Prize


 * Chicken Shack employee: You want a piece of me, fat boy? I'll spork your ass!
 * From Lady Hawke


 * Dressmaker: Oopsie, I swallowed a pin. That's gonna be a fun little journey.
 * From A Little Deb Will Do Ya


 * Bribed Movie Critic: This movie is so good, it makes Hud look like C.H.U.D., and I loved C.H.U.D.
 * From Miserable


 * Satoshi, the Eater of Souls: Cookie Puss, I will eat your soul.
 * From A Day at the Races and A Night at the Opera


 * New York Post Editor: Now if you want to work here at the New York Post, you must know that we insert the following words into every headline: headless, nude, sewage, and governor. For instance, Subway Fares Raised becomes Headless Governor Found Nude in Subway Sewage.
 * Miranda Tompkins: What about the fares?
 * New York Post Editor: You're fired.
 * From Dukerella

Celebrities

 * Gene Shalit: (On the phone with Jay) Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day. If you don't believe me, look out the window.
 * From Marty's First Date


 * Orson Welles: Rosebud ... Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness... wait, that's terrible, I quit! Just a handful for the road. (Scoops up a handful of peas and starts popping them in his mouth. Is now off-screen) Oh, what luck! There's a french fry stuck in my beard! (Makes eating sounds) Oh yeah.
 * From Eyes on the Prize


 * Orson Welles: A rich full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear. (Drinks)
 * From Eyes On The Prize


 * Keanu Reeves: (In The Merchant of Venice) Hath not a dude eyes? If you prick us, do we not get bummed? If we eat bad guacamole, do we not blow chunks?
 * From Eyes on the Prize


 * Adam West: Well Jay, one of my most amazing films is The Happy Hooker Goes To Hollywood. It came out in 1980, it's one I'm sure you enjoyed all the way to the end.
 * From Eyes On The Prize


 * Al Pacino: (On the phone) Hoo-ha! Jay, it's Al Pacino. Hoo-ha! I can't stop saying Hoo-ha! Keep that in mind when you review my next film, The Godfather Part Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha.
 * From A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera


 * William Shatner: Hello, I'm William Shatner, and this is Celebrity 911. Tonight, we devote the entire hour to police calls involving James Caan ... (Makes a face and looks up to the ceiling) CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
 * From From Chunk To Hunk


 * Jimmy Breslin: Tonight, we will honor the greatest writers in America with a modest 9x12 certificate and a check for three thousand dollars. Three thousand dollars?! Stephen King makes that for writing "Boo" on a cocktail napkin!
 * From Eyes on the Prize


 * George Costanza: I thought you were taking Cathy out tonight.
 * Jerry Seinfeld: Why do they call it "taking out?" I took her to a restaurant. It wasn't out, it was in. I would say I'm taking her in, but then she sounds like a pair of pants.
 * From Pilot


 * Humphrey the Hippo: (On TV) Hey, kids! Let's welcome our special guest, Madonna! (Madonna appears on screen) Hey, Madonna!
 * Madonna: Don’t (bleep) with me, hippo.
 * Humphrey the Hippo: Hey, do you eat with that mouth?
 * Madonna: Yeah, and I also (bleep) and (bleep) with it.
 * (Humphrey exclaims a nervous moan toward the camera)
 * From Sherman, Woman and Child


 * Christian Slater: (In Jack Nicholson's voice) I want the truth!
 * Jack Nicholson: You can't handle the truth!
 * Christian Slater: I can handle the truth!
 * Jack Nicholson: The truth is you talk like me, you act like me. You don't have an original bone in your body.
 * Christian Slater: That's a freakin' lie!
 * Judge: Could the stenographer read that last part back?
 * William Devane: (Also in Nicholson's voice) What am I, a freakin' myna bird?
 * From Sherman, Woman and Child

Politicians

 * Dan Quayle: I'm Dan Quayle. I gotta go boom-boom.
 * From All The Duke's Men


 * Ronald Reagan: I do solemnly swear that as your president, I will goof off and eat candy.
 * From All The Duke's Men

Songs

 * Beauty and King Dork
 * A story told through time
 * Happening in New York
 * He's a lemon
 * She's a lime
 * Beauty and King Dork
 * He's Adam to her Eve
 * She's Mindy to his Mork
 * Her hair's like silk
 * He's had a weave
 * Beauty and King Dork
 * From Pilot


 * They be Coming Around the Driveway


 * Humphrey the Hippo:
 * They be coming around the driveway when they come


 * Kids:
 * Yee Haa!


 * Humphrey the Hippo:
 * They be coming around the driveway when they come


 * Kids:
 * Yee Haa!
 * From A Little Deb Will Do Ya


 * Heartbreak Hotel
 * Well, Since my baby left me
 * I found a new place to dwell
 * It's down at the end of lonely street
 * At Heartbreak Hotel
 * You make me so lonely baby
 * I get so lonely
 * I get so lonely I could die
 * From Marathon Mensch


 * Brown Acres Theme Song
 * Brown Acres is the place to be
 * Tent living is the life for me
 * Sand spreading out so hot and white
 * The temperature's 105 at night
 * The cultures!
 * The vultures!
 * Fresh figs!
 * Uh... no pigs!
 * You are my wives,
 * Good bye, city lives!
 * Brown acres, we are there!
 * From Sherman of Arabia


 * Critic Aid
 * Somewhere out Iraqi Way
 * Amid the sand is our friend Jay
 * He fought off bombs and bayonets
 * To him we raise our Raisinets
 * From Sherman of Arabia


 * Benedictine Monk Variety Hour Theme Song
 * Pretty woman
 * You are so bodacious
 * Pretty woman
 * Just like St. Ignatius
 * From Sherman, Woman and Child


 * Jay’s counter-love song against Alice’s estranged husband Cyrus
 * Cyrus is just a virus
 * He wants to tie you down while you’re still young
 * Your potential is what’s essential
 * You could someday be another Connie Chung
 * From Sherman, Woman and Child


 * We're The Bears Who Sing For Duke
 * We're the Bears who sing for Duke
 * Doo Dah! Doo Dah!
 * Drinking moonshine 'til we puke
 * Oh a Doo-Dah (Hic!)
 * From Sherman, Woman and Child


 * Nothing’s Gonna Stop Me Now


 * Jay:
 * I’ll be the biggest thing the world has ever seen
 * When I team up with Roger or Gene
 * Judith Crist will be my queen
 * Nothing’s gonna stop me now!


 * This critic’s gonna be a superstar
 * Gonna fly first class
 * Drive a big car


 * Jay’s stomach:
 * Gonna eat a ten ton Mallomar


 * Both:
 * Nothing’s gonna stop us now


 * Jay:
 * Nothing’s gonna stop me
 * (An anvil falls on him)
 * I said nothing’s gonna stop me
 * (A piano falls on him)
 * Nothing’s gonna stop me
 * (A whale falls on him) ... now


 * Hey Mister Siskel, look at me!
 * Hey Mister Ebert!
 * Nothing’s gonna stop me now!
 * From Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice


 * Musical Number From Apocalypse Wow


 * Marlon Brando:
 * Howdy doo! I’m Colonel Kurtz
 * Fat and bald like old Fred Mertz
 * Watch me do a Hula dance
 * To shake the egg rolls from my pants


 * (And he does)


 * Severed heads on implanted spears:
 * He’s not so bad
 * He’s really just an odd man


 * Marlon Brando:
 * And I shaved my head like Dennis Rodman


 * Dennis Hopper:
 * He’s a god, man!
 * From All The Duke's Men


 * New York, New York


 * Jay:
 * New York, New York!


 * Olivia:
 * New York, New York!


 * Homeless Man:
 * New York, New York!


 * Jay and Olivia:
 * New York, New York, a terrible town
 * The sky is brown and the water is brown
 * The cabs won't stop, they don't even slow down


 * Jay:
 * New York, New York
 * It's a terrible town!
 * From Lady Hawke

Voice cast

 * Jon Lovitz — Jay Sherman, Woody Allen, Various
 * Christine Cavanaugh — Marty Sherman, Various
 * Nancy Cartwright — Margo Sherman, Various
 * Gerrit Graham — Franklin Sherman
 * Judith Ivey — Eleanor Sherman (née Wigglesworth)
 * Doris Grau — Doris Grossman
 * Maurice LaMarche — Jeremy Hawke, Shackleford, Principal Mangosuthu, Orson Welles, Howard Stern, Various
 * Nick Jameson — Vlada Veramirovich, Zoltan Veramirovich, Various
 * Brenda Vaccaro — Ardeth (season 1)
 * Rhea Perlman — Ardeth (season 2)
 * Charles Napier — Duke Phillips
 * Park Overall — Alice Tompkins
 * Russi Taylor — Penny Tompkins
 * Kath Soucie — Various
 * Tress MacNeille — Humphrey the Hippo, Various