The Curse of the Jade Scorpion

The Curse of the Jade Scorpion is a 2001 film about an insurance investigator and an efficency expert who are both hypnotized by a crooked hypnotist with a jade scorpion into stealing jewels.
 * ''Directed and written by Woody Allen.

LOVE STINGS. THE END.

C. W. Briggs

 * I hate her just like I hate that German chancellor with the mustache.
 * My clergyman - who happens to be wanted for pederasty - will vouch for me.
 * It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel.
 * A lot of women have passed through this apartment. I can't say they were all winners, but...
 * The New York City Police want to give me a lifetime achievement award.

Betty Ann Fitzgerald

 * You don't have a kosher bone in your body.
 * You hate any woman that doesn't have a double digit IQ.

Jill

 * Gosh, all this passion in a lousy insurance office!

Dialogue

 * Al: [Watching Jill walk away] My God, that girl's got a body that won't quit!
 * C.W.: Quit? It won't take five minutes off for a coffee break.


 * C. W.: They say I always get my man.
 * Laura: Me, too.


 * C.W.: There's a deck of cards with naked women on it.
 * Laura: Let me guess, you use it to play solitaire.
 * C.W.: I used to date the six of spades.


 * Betty Ann: So what, you always get your kicks fondling women's shoes?
 * C.W.: Once in a while I'll fondle a whole woman.


 * Betty Ann: You're searching my desk!
 * C. W.: I wasn't searching. I was rummaging.


 * Betty Ann: You misunderstand me. I dreamed you and I finally wound up together.
 * Chris: That's funny because I didn't hear any screaming.


 * Laura: I'll slip into something a little bit more comfortable. Wait for me in bed.
 * C.W.: More comfortable than that? What are you gonna put on, Jergens lotion?


 * Chris: You know, there's a word for people who think everyone is conspiring against them.
 * C. W.: I know, perceptive.


 * Betty Ann: You wormy little ferret!
 * C. W.: Now, you're mixing metaphors.

Cast

 * Woody Allen - C. W. Briggs
 * Helen Hunt - Betty Ann Fitzgerald
 * Dan Aykroyd - Chris Magruder
 * Brian Markinson - Alvin "Al"
 * Wallace Shawn - George Bond
 * David Ogden Stiers - Voltan
 * Charlize Theron - Laura Kensington
 * Elizabeth Berkley - Jill
 * Peter Gerety - Ned
 * John Schuck - Mize