The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (season 5)


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The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

What's Will Got to Do With It? (1) [5.1]

 * Man: What does this contract say?
 * Will: Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
 * Man: That's right. Not Philadelphia. Bel-Air.
 * Will: Well, you see--
 * Man: Get in the van!
 * [The man throws Will into the van]
 * Man: Yo, homes, to Bel-Air.


 * Philip: I'm going to be watching you like a shadow!
 * Will: With you, it would be more of an eclipse, huh?

Reality Bites [5.3]

 * Will: I mean Dougie loves everything. People, am I the only one who sees a problem with this? (singing) I love bugs and I love death. I love oozing flesh wounds!




 * Will: Yeah, where is Carlton? He had better have a good reason for standing Nicky up.
 * Carlton: Will locked me in the closet!


 * (Will sits at the kitchen table, Hilary enters the kitchen and throws a newspaper on the table)
 * Hilary: Look at this.
 * Will (reading newspaper): "Powerful earthquake rattles northern coast."
 * Hilary: Oh, boo-hoo.
 * (turns paper over and points to page): This.
 * Will: "Television personality Leeza Gibbons was shocked to learn that the woman attempting to vandalize her car was none other than rival talk show host, Hilary Banks."
 * Hilary: (groans)
 * Will: "Banks, seen here, wielding a potato..."
 * Hilary: Wielding? I was not wielding, I was rubbing.
 * I rubbed that damn potato all over Leeza's car and it didn't even make a scratch.
 * At least they didn't catch me putting my keys in her exhaust pipe.
 * Will: Hilary, you were supposed to- never mind.


 * Hilary (aiming video camera at television to record Leeza Gibbons' show): Geoffrey?! Geoffrey?!! Geoffrey!!!
 * Geoffrey: You answered, Miss Hilary?
 * Hilary: I have been calling you for fifteen minutes. Didn't you hear me?
 * Geoffrey: Yes, but I so rarely have a woman scream my name. I was rather enjoying it.

Grumpy Young Men [5.4]

 * Carlton (comes in the kitchen with his hands on the top of his head): Did you just put super glue in my hair gel?
 * Will: That's what you get for stealing my girl.
 * Carlton: I didn't have to steal her. She was bored with you, so that she has to come to a real man.
 * Will: So, what you're saying is that I'm not a real man?
 * Carlton: You got that right. It's like this "Hey, baby, (doing his pelvic thrust) pap, pap, stuff". It worked in high school, but now, it's just embarrassing!
 * Will: Take it easy there, stumpy.
 * Carlton: And you know what? I'm also getting tired of the short jokes. I'm average height.
 * Will: For a woman!
 * Carlton: I'm large enough for Valerie.

Fresh Prince: The Movie [5.5]

 * Will: Uncle Phil. Hey man, what are you doing here?
 * Philip: I'll tell you what I'm doing here. Years ago, I fell in love with and married a wonderful woman named Vivian. Vivian had a sister named Vy. Vy gave birth to a child named Will, whose sole purpose in life is to make mine a living Hell! Now, you have done a lot to me these last 4 years, but how you managed to have me ripped out of my wonderful life in Bel-Air and relocated to this landfill boggles my mind!


 * Will: Look, Jazz, I just don't feel comfortable telling you anymore, man. Who knows? Your life could be in danger.
 * Jazz: What life? I'm a married man.


 * Mob Killer: If I were you, I'd run.
 * Will: If you were me, you'd be good looking.

Will's Misery [5.6]

 * Carlton: You can't understand and respect women because you're not in touch with your feminine side.
 * Will: And you know what your problem is? You're not in touch with anybody's feminine side.

Father Knows Best [5.7]

 * Will: (to Ashley) Don't tell me, 'cause if I know I can't say that I don't know when you get busted and Uncle Phil starts rounding up the usual suspects. And I am the usual suspects.


 * Miss Sharpe: Come closer.
 * Will: Heyyyyyyyy.
 * Miss Sharpe: That's a fake mustache.
 * Will: No, it's not!
 * Miss Sharpe [takes off the mustache off]: Yes, it is!
 * Will: No, it's not!
 * Miss Sharpe: Look, I don't know who you are, but I'm calling your real parents right now.
 * Ashley: Will...
 * Will: It's not!

Sooooooooul Train [5.8]

 * (Will sees Carlton dancing.)
 * Will: Carlton, what's wrong? Are you having a Malox moment?
 * Carlton: I'm getting ready for Soul Train. I believe there's dancing involved.
 * Will: Two things. One: That's not dancing. And two: I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from the show.
 * Carlton: And why, pray tell, is that?
 * Will: Again, two things, Carlton. One: Because you say stuff like "pray tell". And two: You're gonna embarrass me when I become the new co-host.


 * Will: You see, Soul Train's been looking for a co-host for months, and so far no one's worked out.
 * Carlton: And they're gonna give you the job based on your love for Don Cornelius dolls?
 * Will: [annoyed] It's not a doll, it's an action figure! And you've got no business being on the Soul Hyundai, let alone the Soul Train.

Love Hurts [5.9]

 * (After scuffle in Bowling alley)
 * Lisa: Will, I've been meaning to tell you that I'm a--
 * Will: A what!? A Power Ranger!?
 * Lisa: No, I've been studying self-defense. Did I do something wrong?
 * Will: Yes, you did. I was just about to retaliate.
 * Lisa: Baby, you were on the floor.
 * Will: That's how I fight!
 * Lisa: Let's just get back to the game.
 * Will: Fine!
 * (Will attempts to roll the ball, but it slips and hits another man in the chest.)


 * (Jazz pulls out a small thin book from his pocket)
 * Jazz [to Will]: I give you... The Hoodlum Pages. Okay, let's see here.
 * (Jazz flips through the pages)
 * Jazz: Counterfeiters... Extortionists... Car Salesmen... Ah, here. Guys who take dives...
 * (Jazz hands Will the book and he scans the page.)
 * Will: Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me, that this guy will let someone hit him ten times for $40?
 * Jazz: Mention this ad and he'll throw in a head-butt.
 * Will: Oh, okay, so this dude come down to the Peacock, stir up a little fray, I take him down and Lisa and everybody think I'm a hero. Aight, thanks, man. Hey, by the way, where'd you get this?
 * Jazz: I stole it.

Will's Up a Dirt Road [5.10]

 * Will: I call it, "Celebrity Houses, At Night!"
 * News Publisher: Hmm, very interesting.
 * Will: Cause see, here's Bob Barker drinking some coffee in the bathroom.
 * News Publisher: Er...
 * Will: And here's Gene Simmons frying his underwear on a barbecue grill.
 * News Publisher: Um, that's lovely.
 * Will: And here's Jay Leno pouring some coffee in the sewer.
 * News Publisher: Oh, my god!

Will Steps Out [5.11]

 * Lisa: Will?
 * Will (wearing a fat suit): Well, it ain't Fat Albert!

Same Game, Next Season [5.12]

 * Hilary: What kind of idiot picks a password no one can guess?

It's a Wonderful Lie [5.14]

 * Philip: What are you thinking about?
 * Vivian: I'm just trying to recall what it felt like to be 15.
 * Philip: It was so long ago, how could you remember?
 * [Vivian scowls at her husband]
 * Philip: I'm just so upset, I'm saying things I don't even mean.


 * Ashley: You know something? This is all your fault.
 * Will: What is that, like the theme of this family? "When in doubt, blame Will."

Bullets Over Bel-Air [5.15]

 * Nicky: Why do you shave and Ashley doesn't?
 * Will: Well, you know, because guys grow beards and some women don't.


 * Will: (after being shot at the bank) Hey, don't be looking at me like that. Y'all know ain't no little bullet gonna stop me. Although, I will be doing my banking by mail from now on. Knowing my luck, I might run into a disgruntled postal worker.


 * Philip: We can see Will, but we have to go right home after that.
 * Vivian: Why?
 * Philip: Well, apparently we're driving the nursing staff crazy.
 * (Hilary and a nurse walk into the room)
 * Hilary: I don't understand. I'm just a visitor. Why do I need medication? And what is Prozac anyway? Do you think I need this? I feel fine.



A Decent Proposal [5.16]

 * Lisa: Will, you can be so stupid!
 * Will: Well, stupid is as stupid does!
 * Lisa: What does that have to do with anything?
 * Will: I don't know but the movie made a billion dollars.




 * Jazz: [defibrillator on hand] Check it out, Will. I'm the black dude on ER.
 * Lisa: Jazz, that's not a toy.
 * Jazz: It doesn't have to be a toy to be fun. Check this out. Clear!
 * [he shocks himself, and is sent rolling through the hallway]




 * Lisa: (to Philip) Have you ever crushed any one?

(Geoffrey appears; by now he would say something snarky about Philip's weight, but Phil glares at him and he leaves) 
 * Vy: (about Will marrying Lisa) WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT???
 * Geoffrey: (enters suddenly, skipping and singing) Got to do with it! Got to do with it!

Will is From Mars... [5.17]

 * Dr. Whitehorn: Hello, George. Wheezie.
 * George: Hey, Whitey.
 * Dr. Whitehorn: That's, uh -- That's Dr. Whitehorn.
 * George: Yeah, yeah, Horny. Where do you want me to sit?


 * Wheezie: Well?
 * George: Well, what?
 * Wheezie: He said to name three things you like about me.
 * George: Fine. Your mother died. Your mother's dead. Your mother ain't livin' no more.
 * (Will laughs then coughs when he sees Lisa glaring at him)

As the Will Turns [5.20]

 * Will: I'm Young and I'm Restless. And I've only got One Life to Live, so I've got to follow my Guiding Light and search for tomorrow.

Save the Last Trance for Me [5.21]

 * Will: Uncle Phil, be honest. When Aunt Viv was pregnant with Carlton, did she... (imitates someone drinking.)


 * Will: Carlton, are you sure Aunt Viv didn't... (imitates someone drinking.)

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 * Great Mentos: May I have a volunteer.
 * Carlton: Oh, pick me, oh Great Mentos, pick me!
 * Will: Oh, shoot me, oh Great Mentos, shoot me!

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 * (Philip barks)
 * Will: (to Vivian) Hey, hey, hey. Look, I'll walk him but somebody else gonna have to pooper-scoop.

Cold Feet, Hot Body [5.23]

 * Denise:(walks into kitchen) Surprise!
 * Will: (sees her and screams) AAAAHHHH!!!

(Lisa stares at him)
 * Will: I feel good!

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 * Will: Alright, I'll do you- IT! I'll do it... I mean, I'll give you a ride- OOH!!

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 * Will: (to Denise) We ain't gonna let you walk no 11 miles. Where's Nicky's skateboard?

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 * Will: (to Carlton) There's a beautiful woman talking to me, but I don't expect you to understand that!

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 * Will: Yo, Carlton, people are complaining there ain't no bacon on the BLT's.
 * Carlton: Well, where’s the law that says the "B" has to stand for "bacon"? Read the damn sign!
 * Will: Bread, lettuce and tomato!?

Love in an Elevator [5.24]

 * Stripper: Geoffrey? But you told me your name was Will.
 * Geoffrey: No, I said I was will-ing.

For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll [5.25]

 * [Will and Carlton poke through the gifts]
 * Will: Oooh, I wonder what's in here? [drops and breaks the gift]
 * Carlton: Probably something that has to be replaced.
 * Will: Looka here, looka here. Look at these cute little money-sized envelopes. [extracts cash] BOOM-BYA! This is one of my favorite presents: Ben Franklin! [to the $100 bill] Excuse me, Ben, allow me to show you to your seat... [inserts the bill into his back pocket and spanks it]

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 * Will: (last line of the season) Y'all come back now, y'hear?