The Golden Palace

The Golden Palace was the follow-up series to the classic television show The Golden Girls that aired on CBS from 1992 to 1993. Three of the four women from that series sold their house and bought a struggling Miami hotel named the Golden Palace. On May 1993, CBS cancelled the series after 1 season.

Pilot [1.01]

 * Rose: [to a burglar with a ski mask] The hat is a tip-off, but...is this your first time in Miami?


 * Chuy: I'm back.
 * Sophia: [not seeing Chuy] Dorothy?!


 * Sophia: Well, I'm 88, and --
 * Rose: 87.
 * Sophia: What?
 * Rose: You're 87, Sophia.
 * Sophia: ...okay. I'm 87 years old, and I used to have to wake up every morning just to live. Now I have to wake up every morning to cook 50 pounds of ravioli. I got stuff to do.


 * Sophia: You almost killed me!
 * Blanche: Nothing could kill you.
 * Sophia: Well, too much corn.


 * Blanche: On nights like this, we usually bare our souls and polish off a cheesecake.
 * Rose: And I often tell a story about my hometown of St. Olaf.
 * Chuy: St. Olaf? Sounds fascinating.
 * Roland: Tell us about it.
 * Sophia: Rookies!

Promotional Considerations [1.02]

 * Rose: All we have to do is write "The Golden Palace" on something everyone sees.
 * Sophia: What do you say, Blanche? Up for another tattoo on your butt?


 * [Sophia and Chuy are playing poker]
 * Blanche: What's going on down here?
 * Chuy: Oh, Sophia got my pot.
 * Blanche: Well, she's a good cook, too. I'm sure she'll use it well.
 * Chuy: No, not that pot. The other kind.
 * Blanche: [shocked] All right, what in the hell is going on here?
 * Chuy: What? We were playing poker and she won. What did you think?
 * Blanche: [relieved] Oh!
 * Chuy: Wait a minute! Blanche, I'm shocked. Do I look like the kind of guy who would smoke marijuana?
 * (Note: Chuy was played by Cheech Marin, best known as one-half of the pot-smoking comedy duo Cheech and Chong.)


 * Blanche: Roland, I am not in a good mood right now.
 * Roland: Have you tried singing "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah"?


 * Blanche: I'm telling you for the last time, no sheep, Rose.
 * Rose: "No sheep, Rose." "No sheep, Rose." That's all I ever hear from you.


 * Blanche: All my life I've wondered what it would be like to run my own business. You know, I can remember when I was younger and wanting to go into business for myself. Now, I sat myself down and I said, "What is it that I'm really good at that would make me a lot of money?"
 * Sophia: [raising hand] Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!
 * Blanche: It had to be something that I enjoyed doing...
 * Sophia and Rose: [raising hands] Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!
 * Blanche: ...And something that would benefit mankind.
 * Chuy, Sophia and Rose: [raising hands] Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!
 * Blanche: And of course, it had to be something that was legal.
 * Chuy, Sophia and Rose: [lowering their hands] Oh.

Miles, We Hardly Knew Ye [1.03]

 * Sophia: They've got a choice: they can eat my lasagna or kiss my but.
 * Chuy: Okay, does your butt come with soup and salad?


 * Rose: Penny for your thoughts, Sophia?
 * Sophia: You're stupid, and that's on the house.


 * Rose: [Storms out of the kitchen and is in a bad mood because of Blanche]
 * Man: Excuse me. I ordered rice. These are baked potatoes!
 * Rose: [Picks up potatoes and throws them against the door] We need rice!

One Old Lady to Go [1.04]

 * Sophia: I need to make some money. Maybe I should wear a shorter skirt.
 * Chuy: Maybe you should just threaten to.


 * Roland: Oh yeah, I guess it is about time I had a little talk with (Oliver) about... well... you know.
 * Blanche: Sex. Well, You can say it, it's not a dirty word.
 * Chuy(to Roland): Yeah, go ahead and say it. [in a guttural voice] SEXXXXXXXXXXX!
 * Blanche: ...okay, when Chuy says it, it's a dirty word. But still, we have to face the fact that Oliver's growing up and he needs the truth.
 * Roland: I know. I just haven't anticipated this happening so soon. I mean, Just yesterday I saw him in his room, making little animals with Rose's Play-Doh Fun Factory. And now I gotta tell him about-
 * Chuy: [in same guttural voice] SEXXXXXXXXXXX!
 * Roland: Man, will you stop saying that? Look, I gotta have this big talk with Oliver, I just wish I knew what to tell him.
 * Blanche: My mother told me sex was a woman's duty. That was the word she used, "duty". And I guess I've been a proud little soldier ever since.
 * Chuy: Soldier!? You're a four-star general, I SALUTE YOU!

Ebbtide for the Defense [1.05]

 * Roland: I don't squish bugs. I shoo them.
 * [Sophia steps on a bug]
 * Sophia: There! I just shoed one too!

Can't Stand Losing You [1.06]

 * Roland: It's okay. I don't mind. I'm a workaholic.
 * Rose: [shocked] Oh, my God! He's been drinking Workahol?!


 * Joanne: Hello, wover [lover]. Guess who?
 * Roland: Please, God, tell me it's Elmer Fudd!

Seems Like Old Times [1.07]

 * [Dorothy is talking about how Sophia used her as a waitress when she was a child]
 * Dorothy: You used me!
 * Sophia: It was our quality time!
 * Dorothy: Quality time?! You referred to me as 'the help!'
 * Sophia: It was a nickname!
 * Dorothy: On Thursdays you'd lend me out to the neighbors!
 * Sophia: So? You learned the trade. Ingratitude. That's all I've gotten from any of my employees -- kids, my kids.\


 * Cab Driver: I was just counting this fare. I think you forgot to add a tip.
 * Dorothy: A tip? A tip. Uh, let's review your performance, shall we? Let's see, you backed over my luggage, took the causeway during rush hour, stopped the car twice to sell fruit out of your trunk. A tip? Walk away now and no one gets hurt.


 * Rose: [mopping up] Sophia, wet floor!
 * Sophia: I can't do that on command! I have to be scared first!
 * Rose: Chuy, wet floor!
 * Chuy: What, somebody scared Sophia?


 * Restaurant Customer: [after Dorothy drops off his bill] Excuse me, aren't you forgetting something?
 * Dorothy: Uh, like what?
 * Restaurant Customer: Aren't you going to say "Have a nice day"?
 * Dorothy: No. Look, in the 45 minutes that I've served you, you complained about the food, the coffee, the service, and said that in my case, a sprinkle a day wasn't quite doing the trick. I don't care if you have a pulse, much less a nice day.


 * Dorothy: Ma, you look horrible! You're as white as a sheet!
 * Sophia: That's because I'm between heartbeats. Come back in 15 minutes, and I'll look like one of the Last of the Mohicans!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Dorothy: [referring to Sophia] Has she come down yet?
 * Rose: Has who come down yet?
 * Dorothy: Amelia Earhart, Rose!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Dorothy is upset with Blanche because Sophia ran away]
 * Blanche: I can't believe you said that. If I weren't a lady, I'd deck you.
 * Dorothy: If you'd try, I'd have you on your back so fast, you'd think you're out on a date.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Dorothy: Blanche, do you know what your problem is? You're all talk and no action. Just like your sex life.
 * Blanche: What are you saying? Are you saying I'm not a tramp? Then why do you think they call me the female Ted Kennedy?
 * Dorothy: Because you look like him.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ramone: You're Chuy Castillos?
 * Chuy: Yeah?
 * Ramone: You look like one of the Super Mario Bros.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Chuy: It's taken two years, but as of today I will have lost 140 pounds of ugly fat.
 * Rose: You used to be heavy?
 * Chuy: No, married.
 * Roland: Yeah, today's the day that Chuy signs his final divorce papers.
 * Rose: Oh, I'll bet you have mixed feelings about that.
 * Chuy: Are you kidding? I'm thrilled it's over. Eight years. Eight long, miserable years. Do you know what it's like to live with a foul-mouthed, vicious shrew for eight years?
 * Sophia: [to Rose] Move it or lose it, you Danish dork!
 * Chuy: I guess you do.

Just a Gigolo [1.08]

 * Nick DeCarlo: You're smarter than you look.
 * Rose: I wish I could believe that.

Marriage on the Rocks, With a Twist [1.09]

 * Blanche: [about her husband George] He was a lusty man. Lusty, zesty man. Lusty, zesty cowboy who liked to ride all night!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Sophia: I thought this practical joke would make me laugh, but it hasn't. It's affected me in ways I didn't think possible.
 * Chuy: It made you feel ashamed, didn't it?
 * Sophia: No, it excited me sexually.
 * Chuy: Sophia!
 * Sophia: I'm just as shocked as you are.

Camp Town Races Aren't Nearly as Much Fun as They Used to Be [1.10]

 * Roland: It's not up to us to make moral judgements about the people staying in this hotel. [notices sign reading "Daughters of the Traditional South" in the lobby] "Daughters of the Traditional South?" Those bigots in bonnets aren't staying in this hotel!
 * Blanche: Roland, there is nothing wrong with the Daughters of the Traditional South!
 * Roland: Oh, I see; when they put those sheets on over their heads it must be some kind of salute to Casper the Friendly Ghost.
 * Rose: Ooh, when is that?

It's Beginning to Look a Lot (Less) Like Christmas [1.11]

 * Roland: [as Santa Claus] What do you want for Christmas, little girl?
 * Sophia: I wanna stay on your lap 'til New Years!
 * Rose: Sophia!
 * Sophia: All right, how about a sponge bath with some﻿ elves?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Rose: [singing] Two turtle doves, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree...
 * Sophia: OK, OK, I believe you! There is a 48-Day version. Boy, last time I was in a place this cold they were hanging up Jimmy Hoffer by his--[singing] Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way...

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Rose: [to Roland] That's not a very nice Christmas attitude for someone who wants to play Saint Nick. Come on! Let's hear those reindeer names, Buster!
 * Roland: Dancer, Prancer, Donner, Blitzen, Freezing, Fricking, Mother-
 * Rose: Roland!

Rose and Fern [1.12]

 * Rose: Don't you take your frustrations out on me, you cheap...scallop!
 * Blanche: The word is "trollop," you moron! I am a cheap trollop!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Rose: [about Miles] I still call him up in the middle of the night to hear the cute things he says. [imitating Miles] "Don't you know what time it is?" "This happens again, I'm calling the police!" "Who the hell is this?" [in normal voice] And then, before I hang up I always say, "You blew it big time, smart boy."
 * Blanche: And he doesn't he recognize your voice?
 * Rose: No! I talk to him through a kazoo.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Miles: Look -- Rose, sweetheart...
 * Rose: Don't "sweetheart" me! This was supposed to be our day! Our wedding! Our life! Well, you blew it big time, smart boy! [runs off]
 * Miles: [realizing] Oh my God, she's the kazoo woman!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Chuy puts a completely burnt duck on the kitchen table]
 * Chuy: Ugh! Chihuahua. Sophia...what does this look like to you?
 * Sophia: George Hamilton in five years.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Chuy: [about burnt duck] Have you ever seen a duck this black and Smoky?
 * Rose: I have. Daffy. But only after Bugs Bunny gives him a dynamite cigar. Why doesn't that duck ever learn?
 * Sophia: He can't, Rose. He doesn't have a brain. Sound familiar?
 * Rose: Oh, I'm the dumb one? You're the one who's overcooked three meals today. In fact, if we had a Stupid Person Race, I think you'd come in first.
 * Sophia: I'm sorry. Maybe the oven is broken.
 * Rose: Oh! It is! Didn't you get the note I left inside of the oven.
 * Chuy: [holding burnt note] And at the wire, it's Rose by a nose.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Blanche: All right, you little witch, where's the money?
 * Sophia: What money? I don't know what you're talking about.
 * Blanche: Stop stalling. Don't make me get rough.
 * Sophia: I'm not talking, screw. And by the way, that's a nickname, not a suggestion.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Miles: [as Rose prepares for his wedding] Look, Rose, I know how awkward this has been for you, but you have to believe me, Rose, I had no intention of hurting you.
 * Rose: I'm a professional, Miles. I would never let my personal feelings for you keep me from planning the best wedding I can.
 * Miles: Well, I'm glad to hear that, Rose. [sees a box full of stones on the table] Hey, what are these stones for?
 * Rose: [glaring at him] I thought we'd throw them instead of rice.

Runaways [1.13]

 * Oliver: I'm a little kid! I was scared! I almost peed!
 * Sophia: I'm over 100! I am scared! I am peeing!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Blanche: I'm going to go slip into something that will make me look my best.
 * Rose: May I suggest a time machine?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Policeman: Um, ma'am, do you know how slow you're going?
 * Sophia: Ah, bite me.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Roland: I don't know much about Blanche's personal life, but so what if she likes to date?
 * Rose: I used to think that until this Ernie came along. This is the hump that broke the camel's back.
 * Roland: I think that's "the straw that broke the camel's back."
 * Rose: Boy, you don't know much about Blanche's personal life, do you?

Heartbreak Hotel [1.14]

 * Sophia: [referring to Sex Seminar] This sounds awesome. I'm there! I haven't told you but I've been having some problems with my sexual partners lately.
 * Rose: Such as?
 * Sophia: I don't have any!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Sophia: [to Rose, Roland, and Chuy] You're just being condescending to an old lady. But I'm a person, damn it! If you prick me do I not bleed?...eventually.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Chuy: Will you look at all the toilet paper I found in the freezer? How many times do I have to tell Blanche, "Please, don't freeze the Charmin?"
 * Roland: Chuy...
 * Chuy: I mean who's gonna want to use frozen toilet paper?
 * Sophia: [Grabs roll] At my age, any thrill will do.

Señor Stinky Learns Absolutely Nothing About Life [1.15]

 * Blanche: [referring to Mr. Reynolds] Oh! He said the most upsetting thing to me!
 * Sophia: "Don't come back 'til you're wearing underwear?"
 * Blanche: Sophia! I always go to meetings with men dressed like this! To me, it's just a great business tool. You know, it gives me a leg up.
 * Sophia: Just one?

Say Goodbye, Rose [1.16]

 * Rose: How would you like me to iron those wrinkles out of your face, you little snitch?
 * Sophia: Ooh! I'd like that!

You've Lost That Livin' Feeling [1.17]

 * Gerald Davenport: Good evening, my name is... [notices Chuy's name tag] ...Chuy Castillos.
 * Rose: Oh my gosh, what a coincidence. Our cook is named Chuy Castillos.

A New Leash on Life [1.18]

 * [Roland has just seen his mother kiss Chuy, and he is incredibly angry]
 * Chuy: Hey, Rol. What's happening? Wow, that's cool, man. How do you get that big vein in your head to bulge out like that?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Rose: If Chuy should marry your mom, that would make you...
 * Roland: A convicted killer!

Pro and Concierge [1.19]

 * Rose: I don't know anything.
 * Blanche: Boy, there's a tattoo for your forehead.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Sophia: Good news, everybody, I'm back from vacation.
 * Chuy: Yeah, that's...
 * Sophia: Have no fear, Petrillo is...
 * Rose: Good to...
 * Sophia: She's tan, she's rested, she's﻿ ready to crack wise. Who, you say? "Sophia. That's who!".
 * Blanche: Fine.
 * Sophia: I thought you said you missed me, what do I have to do to get some attention around here, a cartwheel? [long pause] OK, here goes. But I should warn you, I'm not wearing any underwear.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Plane flies overhead]
 * Roland: [referring to plane] DC-10! Yep...you spend hours on your back, you get to know these things.
 * Blanche: [enters with Rose and Chuy; referring to plane] Oh! DC-10! Yep.

Tad [1.20]

 * Blanche: [upon seeing her brother] Tad?
 * Tad: Blanche!
 * Blanche: Why, Tad, what are you doing here?
 * Tad: I came here to visit you! You said so much about the hotel, I wanted to see it! [runs over and hugs Blanche]
 * Blanche: Well, how did you get here?
 * Tad: A nice man drove me in a big yellow car!
 * Blanche: A big yellow -- oh, Tad, please tell me you didn't come all the way from Chattanooga in a --
 * [Tad's taxi driver appears at the door]
 * Taxi driver: Hey, someone here owes me $728!
 * Blanche: ...taxi.

One Angry Stan [1.21]

 * Rose: Congratulate me, Sophia! I've finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
 * Sophia: Big deal! It took you six months!
 * Rose: On the box it said two to four years!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Rose: [referring to Stan's death] So how are we going to tell Sophia?
 * Blanche: We'll break it to her gently, tonight, just before we put her to bed.
 * Sophia: Guess who I just ran into!
 * Rose: Not Stan, he's dead!

Sex, Lies and Tortillas [1.22]

 * Charlene: Actually, Grandma, we thought we'd go jet skiing this afternoon.
 * Rose: Oh that sounds exciting!
 * Charlene: Yeah, tonight we thought we'd, you know, check out some of the clubs!
 * Rose: That sounds like fun!
 * Charlene:We thought Rick and I could share a room!
 * Rose: Sounds like a cold day in Hell.

The Chicken and the Egg [1.23]

 * Bobby Lee: Blanche, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.
 * Blanche: I'm 42 years old.
 * Bobby Lee: Yeah, you mentioned that. That means you were born in --
 * Blanche: Atlanta.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Rose: [about Blanche's plans of marriage] Don't you think that ship has sailed?
 * Sophia: That ship has sunk!
 * Rose: I don't know what to say.
 * Sophia: [about Blanche] I do, you're old.
 * Rose: Sophia!
 * Sophia: What? She's a fossil!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Sylvia: My husband says that I'm frail, and old, and just asking for trouble.
 * Roland: [about Self-Defense course] And what is your specific goal for this course?
 * Sylvia: I'd like to put the bastard through a window.

Cast

 * Betty White - Rose Nylund
 * Rue McClanahan - Blanche Devereaux
 * Estelle Getty - Sophia Petrillo
 * Don Cheadle - Roland Wilson
 * Billy L. Sullivan - Oliver Webb
 * Cheech Marin - Chuy Castillos