The Hogan Family

The Hogan Family was a television sitcom that ran on the American NBC network from 1985 until 1990, and the Columbia CBS network from 1990 until 1991. It was originally called Valerie for the first two seasons, about Valerie Hogan, a married woman working hard to raise her three sons while her husband Michael was seldom around due to his demanding job flying around the world as a commercial pilot. In 1988, the show was renamed Valerie's Family, the reason being is that a car crash ended Valerie's life and Michael's sister Sandy moved in after a messy divorce to help her brother and nephews. In 1989, the show was once again renamed The Hogan Family, and stayed so until its retirement in 1991.

Old Enough [1.1]

 * Valerie: Good morning.
 * Bob: Good morning.
 * Valerie: Excuse me, this is my kitchen, and you're in it, and I don't know who you are.
 * Bob: Bob from Mercury Appliance, and I'm here to fix the noise in your freezer. The back door was open, so I came in. I make coffee, hope you don't mind.
 * Valerie: I'm just glad you're not here to rob me!
 * Bob: Well, you haven't came to see my bill yet!
 * Valerie: Uh, do you mind?
 * Bob: No, help yourself, the mugs are right up there!
 * Valerie: Yeah, I knew that!
 * Bob: Well, it wasn't easy, but I fixed the noise for you.
 * Valerie: That's right!
 * Bob: But now the freezer won't work!
 * David: Hi, dad!
 * Mark: Hi, dad!
 * Willie: Good morning, father!
 * Valerie: Do you want some coffee before your flight honey?
 * Michael (as Michael Hogan): Uh, no honey just keep me awake!

One of a Kind [2.7]

 * Valerie: Hey, hey, how about some help?
 * David: Uh, no thanks mom, it's important I do my schoolwork.
 * Valerie: What are you working on?
 * David: It's my, uh, term paper on fraternal twins. My theory is that they share nothing in common except for birthdays.
 * Valerie: Well, my theory is you should wrap it up quickly and give me a hand.
 * David: Uh, OK, OK.

Take My Wife, Please [3.4]

 * Sandy: OK! David, let's go!
 * David: Go where?
 * Sandy: Did you forget, you said you we're gonna brush up on my tennis game this afternoon!
 * David: Yeah, but Fred and Barney are sneaking out the door of Rock-Mobile!
 * Sandy: OK! Dave, I've have seen this! The Rock-Mobile breaks down and they get caught!

You've Got to Believe [3.5]

 * Willie: Ew, gross! Sandy, David just tongued our muffins!
 * David: Hey just thinking it as a glaze!

Nightmare on Oak Street [3.9]

 * Watching a horror movie
 * Sandy: Ugh, that zombie just killed that policeman.
 * Mark: Ick!
 * Willie: Yeah! Ick!
 * Sandy: Well, I, I thought that guy was dead!
 * David: He was!


 * Willie's nightmare
 * Willie: I had a nightmare about that film.
 * David: Will you cut it out. That was a movie. There are no such things as zombies. We are in the real world. See, pass me the box of cereal.
 * Willie passes box of cereal to David, which obscures his head
 * David{zombified}: Now pass me the milk! Urrr...ohhh!
 * Zombie David proceeds to slowly attack Willie
 * David: AUGH! David is a zombie! Sandy, help, someone!
 * Sandy has been reading the newspaper. She puts it down, revealing she has also zombified and joins the zombie David in attacking Mark
 * Willie: OH NO! Sandy and David are zombies! Dad! Help!
 * Michael{from bathroom}: Just tying my tie! Don't worry son, I will save you!
 * Bathroom door opens, showing Michael in his pilot's uniform has zombified as well. Three zombies tackle David, then licking their lips ready to eat his flesh. Horror is enough to shock Willie awake.


 * Mark's nightmare
 * Willie: I had a nightmare about that film.
 * Mark: Not me, I realize that was all a fantasy element. I think I will review my ecology notes before the big test today.
 * David: I kept my window shut.
 * Willie: So did I. You cannot be too careful.
 * Sandy: What would you like for breakfast, Mark.
 * Mark: In..in..bowl.
 * Sandy: Yes, this is a bowl. Do you want anything in it?
 * Mark: C...C...Corn...
 * David: You want corn for breakfast? That is so brainless!
 * Willie: Wait, do you mean corn flakes?
 * Mark: Um..uh...yeah!
 * Willie: Oh no, Mark, did you leave your window open? You know zombies come in and eat your brain!
 * David lifts up the rear of Mark's head
 * David: Clean as a whistle!
 * Mark: No! I...can...still...talk!
 * Sandy: Guess we will just have to pull him out of school. I will start on the note.
 * Sandy{composing letter}: To the education authorities. Mark is unfit for school now that a zombie ate his brain.
 * Mark: No!
 * David and Willie{singing in unison}: If he only had a brain, if he only had a brain!
 * Mark: AUGH!!


 * [David's nightmare, but loosely so]
 * Sandy: Well David, I must hand it to you. You have been awarded the Medal of Honor for culling the zombie outbreak and allowing society to function again. If only the world's population had not gone down so much. I got you a date with a woman I know.
 * David: Thanks Sandy, who?
 * [Doorbell rings. David answers it to be greeted by a British supermodel, a shapely brunette named Regina]
 * Regina: Hello David. When I was told of having a date with the hero of the Zombie Wars, I had to say yes. I suggest we see Bruce for our date.
 * David: Bruce who?
 * Regina: Bruce Springsteen, silly goose! How many Bruces are left in the world? After that we can talk about marriage and our plans to do our part to repopulate Earth. Hmm, Regina Hogan, I like the sound of that!
 * David: OK, I will be back by 10. Good night Sandy.
 * Sandy: Have a good night David.
 * Alarm clock goes off. David is awakened and is shocked at not finishing his dream because he was awakened at the best part
 * David: AUGH!

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow [4.2]

 * Rich: Hey Dave, did you tell them what today is?
 * David: Come on Rich, don't!
 * Rich: Hey Dave, they are your brothers! Today is Sneaker-Shoe Day.
 * Mark: What is that?
 * Rich: That is when all the cool kids where a sneaker on one foot and a shoe on the other foot. Burt is the only one I know who missed out on a Sneaker-Shoe Day.
 * Burt is reading funny pages
 * Burt{guffawing loudly}: HAW HAW HAW!
 * Dave: Come on guys, we have to get going.
 * Burt, Dave and Rich depart Hogan residence. Mark and Willie hastily put on a mismatched sneaker and shoe then depart for school
 * Afternoon. Mark and Willie come in mortified. They are met by Dave
 * Willie{enraged}: We were the butt of jokes all day. You tricked us!
 * Dave: Did I? Remember, tomorrow is Wear Your Underwear on the Outside Day!
 * Dave leaves room laughing uproariously

Tobacco Road [4.5]

 * After catching Sandy smoking, Mark and Willie institute an intrusive inspection
 * Mark: Medicine cabinet?
 * Willie: Clear! Sink drawers?
 * Mark: No cigarettes found. OK, bathroom is all set.
 * Sandy: How about buy me some diapers?
 * Mark and Willie depart bathroom
 * Sandy{talking to herself}: You think you are so smart?
 * Sandy removes spindle from toilet paper and exposes hidden cigarette. She starts smoking, but then sees herself in the mirror
 * Living room
 * Sandy: OK boys, Operation Watchdog has got to stop. I was able to sneak a smoke past you.
 * Mark: What??
 * Sandy: Hear me out. I did not like myself. I saw a yellow-haired maniac in the mirror. So from now on, I will resolve this. I, Sandy Hogan, can smoke if I so please, and you boys can smoke upon reaching the legal age in this state. What we will all face is what all adults face, the consequences of our actions, for ill or for good.

Viva Las Vegas [4.6]

 * Driving to Las Vegas
 * Rich: How long have I been asleep?
 * David: Since we pulled out of my driveway.
 * Rich: Then this is a good time to give you these. Rich hands cards to Dave and Burt Fake IDs! We are going to need these if we do any gambling.
 * David: Who is Floyd Snegal?
 * Rich: I had them made. I did not get to pick the names.
 * Later, in the hotel lobby; Burt is admiring a slot machine
 * Burt: Check this one out.
 * David: Later Burt, I am beat.
 * Burt: It costs three silver dollars to play.
 * David: And?
 * Rich: The concierge gave us each a silver dollar when we checked in!
 * Boys insert coins and Burt pulls lever
 * Burt{giddy}: Come on Mama, Baby Burt needs a new pair of shoes!
 * Dave: Burt, keep it low key, remember?
 * Burt{calms down}: Oops, sorry "Floyd".
 * Slot machine reads 7-7-7
 * Burt, Dave & Rich{in unison}: Oh ho ho!
 * Jackpot attracts attention of hotel manager and a hulking lackey
 * Mr. Marshall: I am Mr. Marshall, the manager of this hotel. Gentlemen, the legal gambling age is 21. Forgive me for saying so, but you seem a little young.
 * Dave: Oh, no, no!
 * Dave, Burt and Rich nervously produce fake IDs
 * Mr. Marshall: OK, OK. Mr. Marshall buys it Enjoy your stay in Las Vegas. Leslie, give them winning buckets.
 * Leslie: Yes, Mr. Marshall.
 * Leslie tosses boys buckets, then follows Mr. Marshall leaving
 * Burt: Woo hoo, let us go again!
 * Dave: That is exactly what they want us to do.
 * Burt Win more money?
 * Dave: No Burt, put it all back! You have the highest GPA of our trio and you should best be able to understand that the house always wins. The probability was in our favor an unlikely first time. Now, what I say we do with this money is spend it on ourselves. We get the best room we can, eat the finest food and live like kings for one weekend.
 * Burt: Well, I am going to the gift shop right now because there is one thing I had my heart set on.
 * Rich: What is that?
 * Burt: One of those Elvis air fresheners for the Gremlin!
 * Dave: You are a maniac, Burt.

--


 * Hotel room. Rich is wearing a toga and Dave a cowboy outfit while they have enjoyed a day of splurging. Attractive woman departs room
 * Dave: There is a haberdashery right in the lobby! This outfit was not cheap, but how often are we in Las Vegas with money to burn! Who was that?
 * Rich: Helga. She is the hotel's masseusse.
 * Dave: Where is Burt?
 * Rich: He went to take one of those guided tours.
 * Dave: I see you had lobster, again.
 * Rich: You know Dave, I have had enough crustaceans to last me a lifetime. Listen, I may need to borrow a couple of bucks from you.
 * Dave: Borrow? What happened to your share of the winnings?
 * Rich: This town ain't cheap. motions to coffee table Do you have any idea what a box of Cuban cigars costs?
 * Dave: I am tapped out myself. I even had to charge the hat to the room.
 * Knock on door. Dave answers it to be greeted by Mr. Marshall and Leslie
 * Mr. Marshall: Good afternoon Mr. Snegal. May I please speak with Mr. Burt Weems?
 * Dave: Mr. Weems is not here right now. Is there something I can do for you?
 * Mr. Marshall: Gentlemen, we normally have a hold for $100 on the guest's credit card. We ran another check with the amount of room service ordered and found that the credit card you used is a low limit card. Your bill is now $1,200. Payment is due by checkout. And now I have other important business to tend to. Leslie, follow me to the basement.
 * Leslie: Yes, Mr. Marshall.
 * Leslie departs room alongside his boss
 * Rich: Dave, I am tapped out. What do we do?
 * Dave: Do not panic yet. Burt won at the slot machine. He is normally stingy and good about savings.
 * Burt enters hotel room wearing a coat of green sequins
 * Burt: Hey guys, had a great day at the Liberace Museum. Spent every nickel I had but it was well worth it.
 * Dave: Now is the time to panic!

--

License to Drive [5.7]

 * Mr. Erdman: Take a right turn.
 * Mark: I am signaling at 100 feet from the stop sign, for this is a residential area. If this was a nonresidential area I would signal at 200 feet.
 * Mr. Erdman sighs as the needless recitation
 * Mr. Erdman: Well, are you going to turn?
 * Mark: One must use judgement in four-way intersections. Do you think we can make it, sir?
 * Camera pans out to show that the car is in an empty intersection
 * Mr. Erdman: Wagon trains could make it.


 * DMV. Mark comes in traumatized
 * Sandy: Mark, what happened?
 * Mark: Killed wood....killed wood.
 * David: You killed wood! Hello doofus, you cannot murder a nonliving thing!
 * Mark: Killed...a woodchuck.
 * David: You are in shock over killing a woodchuck? They are dumb enough to be on the road, they are fated for us to run them over, get over it!
 * Mark: I caused an accident from it.
 * Sandy: Dave, will you stop being so callous? OK, Mark had a traumatic experience, but let us be thaknful no one was hurt.
 * Mark: Uh, Sandy...
 * Paramedic brings in Mr. Erdman on a gurney
 * Sandy: Oh no. Does this mean Mark does not get his driver's license?
 * Mr. Erdman: If I had my way, I would revoke his library card!


 * After unlicensed Mark gets a woman in labor to the hospital, he is met by Sandy
 * Mark: I know it was wrong to drive without a license.
 * Sandy: That is not important. What is important is that you showed levelheadedness and a regard for auto safety in this situation.
 * Mark: Thanks.
 * Sandy: I recommend you go to the DMV. I will drive you there.
 * Mark: Why there?
 * Sandy: So you can pass the test and get your license...before Mr. Erdman is released from the hospital!
 * Mark: I'm with you!

Stan and Deliver [5.11]

 * Mrs. Poole: Oh, Hi Hogans!
 * Sandy: Hi!
 * David: Hi, Mrs. Poole!