The Idiot Weekly

The Idiot Weekly, a 1958-1962 radio comedy series by Australian Broadcasting Commission.

The All Australian Leather Rocket

 * Michael: Look at you. Filthy! Your uniform's covered in mud. What kind of a guard do you call yourself?
 * Eccles: I'm a mudguard.

The French Connection

 * Eccles: HELP!
 * Bobby: There's someone in the sea.
 * Eccles: Who?
 * Bobby: You.
 * Eccles: Help!
 * Bobby: What's the matter?
 * Eccles: The sea is full of water. And me!


 * Eccles: You've saved my life.
 * Bobby: Well, we all make mistakes.
 * Eccles: I know. I've seen your wife.

The Prime Minister's Trousers

 * Inspector: What was your last job?
 * Eccles: I was the head gamekeeper to Lord Chatterly.
 * Inspector: Did he give you a reference?
 * Eccles: No, but his wife did!

The First Australian into Outer Woy Woy

 * Michael: Please stop these insults or we'll get Mr Limb to tell one of his jokes.
 * Bobby: That's a good idea. There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a...
 * FX: Gunshot
 * Spike: ... dead Australian comic.


 * Minister: Mr Speaker, honourable members. This urgent telegram dated 1901 has just arrived from Canberra.
 * Eccles: Where's Canberra?
 * Minister: Somebody tell Mr Menzies where it is.

The Australian Flag

 * Michael: This story concerns the story of the Australian Secret Service who through their gallant efforts put three years on the war.


 * Announcer: So Lieutenant Eccles, Idiot and BAR, is unaware that a female German spy has tunneled up through the floorboard of the airship and is now in the main lounge. At the moment I am hanging on an ABC rope ladder under the floor. I will now thrust the microphone up so that you can hear the next scene.
 * Eccles: Ooowww! Mind what you do with that thing!


 * Announcer: Bobby Limb has volunteered to be parachuted into France, on the one condition that he gets more lines to say in the show.


 * Michael: Sergeant, arrest those old uniforms and have them reduced to the rank of underwear!

The Ashes

 * Lord Thud: My lords, I have news that is six feet deep.
 * Lord: That sounds like grave news.
 * Lord Thud: At 4.30 this afternoon as the crow files, on Lords cricket ground, Australia won the Ashes.
 * Omnes: Cries and groans.
 * Lord Thud: And worse still, there were women and children present!

The Spon Plague

 * Newsreader: ...three dead and fourteen grievously injured. That concludes the rugby results for New South Wales. And now here is the news of the Spon. The theory has been advanced that a possible cure for the disease is the rare sponberry which grows between 18 Macquarie Street and Africa.


 * Fish Rafferty: We stepped into a world of Eastern wonderment and in the middle of a great marble mosaic floor was a great tunnel.
 * Sheik: That is the other end of the Eastern Suburbs Railway.
 * Fish Rafferty: Where does it lead to?
 * Sheik: Ruin.

King's Cross - The East Berlin of Australia

 * Prime Minister of King's Cross: M for Mary, G for Gordon.
 * Premier of New South Wales: Mary Gordon. That's a funny name for a man.
 * Prime Minister: Not in King's Cross.


 * Prime Minister: We want to blow up Federal Parliament.
 * Nigel Fawkes: Right. Now the best time to blow it up is when they're all asleep.
 * Eccles: That's the daytime.


 * John: England, as usual, sent high ranking idiots to help Australia lose the war.

The Great Christmas Pudding

 * Announcer: Excuse me, Major. I'm from the ABC.
 * Major: I'm sorry, I don't have any money on me. See old Bob Dyer, he's got a fortune in his mattress.

The Last Tram to King Street Bridge

 * Michael: That afternoon, the Prime Minister read this urgent signal to Parliament.
 * Prime Minister: Gentlemen, British troopers have defeated Chips Rafferty at the Eureka Stockade.

The Flying Dustman of the Outback

 * Harry: At first nobody noticed it. Then one day, me and the missus had a letter from a friend.
 * Gladys: "Dear Harry and Gladys. No offence, but when the wind's in our direction we can't stand the smell of your dustbins."
 * Harry: I didn't think they smell much.
 * Gladys: They must do. This letter's from New Zealand.


 * Captain Eisdell, RAN: Pull up the mainsail, put all top missen sails out and the spinnaker sail aft.
 * Eccles: Won't it be difficult?
 * Eisdell: Why, damn you?
 * Eccles: It's a steam ship.