The Longest Yard (2005 film)

The Longest Yard is a 2005 American sports comedy film and remake of the 1974 film of the same name. The movie features inmates at a prison who play football against their guards.
 * Directed by Peter Segal. Written by Sheldon Turner based on the book "The Longest Yard" by Albert S. Ruddy.

If you can't get out, get even.taglines

Dialogue

 * [Acting on a tip from longtime inmate Skitchy, Caretaker, Paul Crewe and Nate Scarborough infiltrate the prison record room]
 * Nate Scarborough: [accessing main computer] Hazen has a rating system for every con.
 * Paul Crewe: [sees the three-star rating on Big Tony Cobianco's file] What's three stars?
 * Nate: The more prone to violence that the inmate is, the more stars he gets.
 * Skitchy: Five stars is the max.
 * Caretaker: I didn't know that.
 * Skitchy: Yeah.
 * Caretaker: Let's see how many stars my maniacal ass got. [Nate accesses file and sees Caretaker only had a 0.5 star rating]
 * Paul: Wow.
 * Caretaker: Half a star? That's gotta be a mistake. Check it again. Check it again.
 * Paul: You're about as maniacal as a boxful of kittens.
 * Caretaker: Come on, that's not funny, man. I'm gonna have to stab somebody or something. Get my rep up.
 * Paul: Why don't we have a maniacal pillow fight tonight. That could get it up some.
 * Skitchy: [overhears] Yeah. We can sell it to pay-per-view. Superstar Versus Half-a-Star.


 * [Crewe, Caretaker, and Scarborough meet with Battle in the showers]
 * Battle: Wow, no bullshit? Real football, against the guards?
 * Nate Scarborough: Full contact.
 * Battle: Captain Knauer is their quarterback?
 * Caretaker: Yup.
 * Battle: So I get to...tackle him?
 * Paul Crewe: Yeah, you can either tackle him or hit him over the head with that hammer. [Pointing to Battle's crotch.]
 * Battle: [Grins] I want to hurt him, not kill him.
 * Caretaker: [To Crewe] Let's get out of here before that thing bites someone.
 * Paul: Okay, we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.


 * [Paul approaches some black inmates]
 * Inmate: Hey, yo, check out this fake Slim Shady, man.
 * Cheeseburger Eddy: I knew you couldn't resist my shit. I got the shakes that will make you quake, I got the fries that will cross your eyes, I got the burgers that will... [Crewe shrugs head] I just got burgers.
 * Paul Crewe: I'm all right. Thank you. Just wanted to talk to you fellas about possibly joining the football team.
 * Deacon: The only game we'd play with you is "Slap the Point-Shaving White Boy Till He Cries Like a Baby-Back Bitch."
 * Cheeseburger Eddy: [makes a robot dance as his friends laugh] Baby-back bitch, baby-back bitch Baby-back bitch.
 * Caretaker: That's a big-ass robot.
 * Paul: Yeah.


 * [Having seen the guards harass Meggett at the library, Deacon and Cheeseburger Eddy decide to bring their crew to the team just as they needed extra muscle]
 * Deacon: This better be on the up and up.
 * Paul Crewe: I guarantee it.
 * Deacon: [shakes Crewe's hand] Then let's do this shit.
 * Earl Meggett: There goes the neighborhood. [team laughs]


 * [The team prepares to practice, but see their field is flooded.]
 * Nate Scarborough: Did it rain last night?
 * Skitchy: Not a drop.
 * Paul Crewe: [Under his breath] Son of a bitch. [Faces team] Okay, guys, the warden is trying to break our spirit. He thinks we're just going to call it day, wait for the field to dry, make up for it tomorrow. You know what, who gives a shit? Three days until game-time, we can handle it. But I'll tell you something else, that old man flooding this field tells me something: the guy is scared. Scared of you; sick, degenerate convicts. And you know what? He should be. Because I got news for you. We're going to win this game.
 * Nate Scarborough: Did he say "win"?
 * Paul: So, what's it going to be? We can either cancel practice today, go back to our cells, wait for tomorrow, or we can prepare for the greatest ass-kicking fiesta in the history of football. I'll leave it to you guys.


 * [Having finished another practice session, Caretaker peps up the team]
 * Caretaker: Now who we gonna crush?!
 * Crowd: THE GUARDS!
 * Caretaker: Who we gonna kill?!
 * Crowd: THE GUARDS!
 * Caretaker: Who we gonna kiss?!
 * Brucie: THE GUARDS!
 * Caretaker: Gotcha. [everyone mocks Brucie]


 * [Switowski clothes-lines Durham for a tackle]
 * Switowski: [Sniffs] ...I think I made him shit himself.
 * Nate Scarborough: I think he just shit himself.
 * Sportswriters in press box: I think he just shit himself.
 * Guards team trainer: [Loading Durham on a cart] Good lord, this guy shit himself big time.
 * Switowski: [Laughs] See, I told you I made him shit himself!
 * Earl Meggett: [To Durham] Yo, I'll be sure to send those books to you in the hospital, pimp!
 * Deacon: [Laughing] And some diapers!


 * [noticing that the entire team deliberately messed up a few recent sets for him because he had been throwing off plays earlier, Crewe takes it upon himself to force a first down and later meets the team at a huddle]
 * Paul Crewe: Huddle up! Look, I'm sure you already know this, but I've never said it out loud. I did throw that game. I did it. I was in a bad way with some worse people. After I did it, I felt so shitty, I wish I would have just let them kill me instead. Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw this game. So it looks like I'm going to get to know you guys a lot better because I ain't doing that twice in a lifetime. We got a little time left. We can still do this. I'm begging you. Put your hands in here. [team puts hands together with him] Okay, thank you. Who are we?
 * Mean Machine Players: MEAN MACHINE!!! [takes the field]
 * Turley: I'm glad you are back. Now I don't have to stab you.

Tagline

 * If you can't get out, get even.

Convicts

 * Adam Sandler as Paul "Wrecking" Crewe
 * Chris Rock as James "Caretaker" Farrell
 * Burt Reynolds as Coach Nate Scarborough
 * Nelly as Earl Megget
 * Michael Irvin as Deacon Moss
 * Bill Goldberg as Joey "Battle" Battaglio
 * Terry Crews as "Cheeseburger" Eddy
 * Bob Sapp as Switowski
 * Nicholas Turturro as Brucie
 * Dalip Singh as Turley
 * Lobo Sebastian as Torres
 * Joey Diaz as Big Tony
 * Rob Schneider as Plunky
 * David Patrick Kelly as Unger
 * Eddie Bunker as Doc "Skitchy" Rivers
 * Steve Reevis as "Baby Face" Bob Rainwater
 * Tracy Morgan as Miss Tucker

Prison Staff

 * James Cromwell as Warden Rudolph Hazen
 * William Fichtner as Cpt. Wilhem Knauer
 * Kevin Nash as Sgt. Engleheart
 * Steve Austin as Guard Dunham
 * Brian Bosworth as Guard Garner
 * Michael Papajohn as Guard Papajohn
 * Conrad Goode as Guard Webster
 * Bill Romanowski as Guard Lambert
 * Cloris Leachman as Lynette Grey

Others

 * Allen Covert as Referee
 * Jim Rome as Himself
 * Chris Berman as Himself
 * Lauren Sanchez as Herself
 * Patrick Bristow as Walt
 * Adam Schefter as Himself
 * Peter King as Himself
 * Courteney Cox as Lena (uncredited)
 * Dan Patrick as Police Officer