The Money Pit

The Money Pit is a 1986 comedy film starring Tom Hanks and Shelley Long about a couple that buy a house pitched as a bargain, which turns into a massive project.
 * Directed by Richard Benjamin. Written by David Giler.

For everyone who's ever been deeply in love or deeply in debt

Dialogue

 * Anna: Walter?
 * Walter: Oh, Anna, thank God it's you! Thank God!
 * Anna: Walter?
 * Walter: Thank God you're here, honey!
 * Anna: Is that you?
 * Walter: Is it me? I'm speaking so loud I'm hallucinating! For a while, I thought the Care Bears were here!
 * Anna: Walter?
 * Walter: Farm animals or geese or chickens...
 * Anna: Walter?
 * Walter: UPSTAIRS!
 * Anna: Are you alright?
 * Walter: No, I'm not alright.
 * Anna: Where are you?
 * Walter: I'm in the den!
 * Anna: No you're not, I was just in there...
 * Walter: I'm in the den! I swear it! Please believe me!
 * Anna: Will you stop fooling around, Walter? I'm tired!
 * Walter: I'm right here.
 * Anna: Look, Walter, enough is enough!
 * Walter: I'M RIGHT HERE!
 * Anna: Where?
 * Walter: In the floor behind the chair.
 * Anna: (laughs)
 * Walter: Laughing, huh? We're laughing.
 * Walter: (stuck in the floor) The permit man was here.
 * Anna: Oh? That's good. (starts trying to free Walter)
 * Walter: No, no. Now, tomorrow, I'm going to have to take off work, drive down to his office, and kiss his ass- (abruptly falls through the floor to the story below)


 * Walter Fielding: You know what this is, this is the short line for motor vehicles.
 * Anna Fielding: What?
 * Walter Fielding: Yeah, you go to this place to get your license renewed, and you get on this line that reaches to Spain, and next to it is this line with only two guys on it, but you don't get on that line, because you think something must be wrong with it, so you waste three hours!
 * Anna Fielding: I was on the short line once. It was for farm vehicles.


 * Walter: There is a house, I want to buy.
 * Benny: Let's cut to the chase, Okay? What do you want?
 * Walter: I want you to loan me $200,000.00 in cash.
 * Benny: No.
 * Walter: Benny.
 * Benny: You shout at me?
 * Walter: I shout at you! I need that money and you are going to loan it to me.
 * Benny: No, I won't!
 * Walter: Yes, you will!
 * Benny: No, No, No!
 * Walter: Yes, you will! I saved you 10 times that in taxes last year.
 * Benny: So what?
 * Walter: Benny, if you don't loan me that money. I'll...
 * Benny: You'll what? Huh? You'll what?
 * Walter: I'll...not like you anymore!
 * Benny: ...All right.
 * Walter: Thanks.


 * Walter: (on the phone trying to locate a plumber) Hi! We're having problems with our plumbing, and I was uh, Fielding, Walter Fielding... Well, there's no reason why should have heard of me... no, that's not a Jewish name... how much do I make a year? Well, how much do you make a year? Really!... Yale, I went to Yale... (gets angry) Look, get out of my life, would ya! (slams the phone down)


 * Walter: You're up bright and early.
 * Anna: I didn't sleep very well.
 * Walter: You look great. Got a date?
 * Anna: Yes, with the Marine Corp Band. I'm starting with the brass and working my way into the drum section.
 * Walter: Don't you think we should talk?
 * Anna: This is not the time to talk. I'm mad and getting madder.
 * Walter: Oh, you're mad! What do you think I am?
 * Anna: I think you're a jerk.
 * Walter: I know that. I didn't realize how big a jerk I was until last night.
 * Anna: Neither did I.
 * Walter: Let's just pack it in then, all right? Let's just finish this whole thing here and now!
 * Anna: Fine.
 * Walter: I'll pack a bag for you, so you don't have to come back tonight, and I'll send the rest later!
 * Anna: You expect me to move out?
 * Walter: You shouldn't have any trouble finding a bed!
 * Carpenter: I've got a bed, lady.
 * Walter: GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! THIS IS PRIVATE!
 * Anna: I don't what makes you think you can just throw me out of my own house! You're the one who's moving!
 * Walter: I have worked, slaved, suffered! Put my time into my eyes, and you just want to move out, just because you have something for Max? No way! You hear me? No way!
 * Anna: I have worked and slaved and suffered for this house every bit as much as you have! Actually more, because I've had to put up with you!
 * Walter: This is ridiculous! You don't even like this house! You never liked this house!
 * Anna: I...love this house!
 * Walter: You've done nothing but complain about it, ever since we got here!
 * Anna: I did one other thing Walter, I sunk every nickel I had in the world in this house!
 * Walter: And you'll get it all back! I told you that!
 * Anna: Me and everybody you've ever met! "I'll pay you back." will be written on your gravestone!
 * Walter: I wouldn't give lessons on the value of promises! Your word didn't do too well on this last outing!
 * Anna: Your's is fine! It's certainly a lot better than your check! (walks into a room)
 * Walter: I'll get you your money back!
 * Anna: I don't want the money! This is my house and I'm not moving.
 * Walter: It's a big house, we'll divide it up! You stay in your half, I'll stay in mine!
 * Anna: That is such a dumb idea. Sometimes it amazes me you ever passed the bar.
 * Walter: I'm sure it does, you've never passed a bar in you life.
 * Anna: You are so much less attractive when I'm sober.
 * Walter: Thank goodness it's not that often.
 * Anna: (yelling) All right, that's it! I've had it with you, and the house, and Max, and the orchestra and everything! How long will it take to put this house together?
 * Curly: Two weeks.
 * [Walter and all the workers start laughing]
 * Anna: Okay, We'll stick it out until the house is finished. Then we'll sell it, get our money back and get the hell away from each other.
 * Walter: Fine!
 * Anna: (starting to go upstairs) GET BACK TO WORK!
 * Walter: Bang! Zoom!
 * [Workers murmur and Anna goes in to the bedroom and sobs]


 * Walter: Little problem in the kitchen, nothing trivial.
 * Anna: Well, the turkeys done.
 * Walter: So is the kitchen. Actually, it's a little overdone for my taste. Let's not go there again.
 * Anna: You don't want to tell me what happened?
 * Walter: No, I don't. I just want to relax in a nice lukewarm bath.
 * Anna: What about this?
 * Walter: I don't think that can hurt us any more.

''[Walter and Anna pour water in the bathtub. Then, the tub falls through the top floor and breaks into pieces on the bottom. Walter feigns laughing hysterically.]''


 * Montgomery Shrapp: (knocking on the front door) Fielding?
 * Walter Fielding: (being stuck in the floor and can't answer the door) Hel – Hello! Hello, I'm here!
 * Montgomery Shrapp: Are you in there, Fielding?
 * Walter Fielding: Y–yes, I'm here. My chest is constricted. I can't shout. Ow–ow–ow–ow.
 * Montgomery Shrapp: (thinking Walter is laughing at him) Okay, Fielding! (begins to leave) I can hear you laughing at me. This is it, you duck fart! I'm leaving and I'm never coming back! You hear me, Fielding?
 * Walter Fielding: Y–yes, I hear you!
 * Montgomery Shrapp: I'm tearing up your permits! (ripping up the permits and throwing the shreds, like confetti) There! Nobody laughs at Montgomery Shrapp!

 [Anna turns on the light again]
 * Walter: YOU WHORE!! I leave town for 5 minutes, you can't wait to leap into the sack with old Max!
 * Anna: You...Bastard!
 * Walter: That's right! Laying it off on me!
 * Anna: You hypocrite!
 * Walter: I'm not the one screwing around!
 * Anna: "Just be honest with me."
 * Walter: How long has this been going on?
 * Anna: You chauvinist meathead! (getting off the bed) I'm not telling you anything! (runs out of the bedroom going downstairs) Now or ever again!
 * Walter: Oh, this is perfect! Guess who suddenly turns into the injured party! Where do you think you're going?
 * Anna: Someplace where you're not!
 * Walter: Well, then, you stay here, because I'm leaving!
 * Anna: Fine! Get out! I never want to see you again! (the door splats into the wall)
 * Walter: (pulls the door from the wall) The plasterer came?

Cast

 * Tom Hanks – Walter Fielding, Jr.
 * Shelley Long – Anna Crowley Biessart / Anna Fielding
 * Alexander Godunov – Max Beissart, the Maestro
 * Maureen Stapleton – Estelle
 * Joe Mantegna – Art Shirk
 * Philip Bosco – Curly
 * Josh Mostel – Jack Schnittman
 * Yakov Smirnoff – Shatov
 * Carmine Caridi – Brad Shirk
 * Brian Backer – Ethan
 * Billy Lombardo – Benny
 * Mia Dillon – Marika
 * John van Dreelen – Carlos
 * Douglass Watson – Walter Fielding, Sr.
 * Tetchie Agbayani – Florinda Fielding
 * Lucille Dorbin – Macumba Lady
 * Joe Ponazecki – Montgomery Shrapp